1 - 20 of 39 Works by ErissTheMean
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It’s so easy to kill humans.
Techno would know, since he does it for a living.
It’s very easy to kill them, scare them, chase them, crush their brittle little bones when his rot overtakes their bodies. That doesn’t mean it’s any less annoying when one starts messing with his hunting grounds.
Technoblade huffed through his snout and lumbered through the woods in the direction where he felt another human trash. He didn’t have a lot of time, so he intended for this one to be a quick snack for fungi and his brothers. It would be easy.
His steps rattled the earth, he wasn’t trying to be stealthy this time. It didn’t apparently matter because the human was completely oblivious to anything happening around him.
___
Or: Human Philza gets reverse adopted by a bunch of cryptids- with only a little bit of attempted murder! -
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If you asked Phil about gods, he would say that all gods are bastards.
Well, maybe beside Lady Death, as he is very happily married to her but the rest could crash and burn and he would clap for their demise.
Before, he allowed the worship of them in his country. He was a King who only prayed to one but he knew that his subjects weren’t the same. So he held the worships, he allowed the festivities, he sent animals to sacrifice. It was good. Till gods decided to ‘punish’ him.
______Directly inspired by Minotaur myth but instead of slaying the monster, we will have some dark adoption :3
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No matter how high end dining a restaurant was, if the boss was a dickhead, there was no saving for the staff.
Scratch that. If a restaurant served and modeled itself after high end experience but the boss was a cheapskate who allowed street rats like Wilbur and Technoblade to work for him, then there was no saving for the staff.
________________
Or: I watched some clips of Gordon Ramsey being nice to staff and gossiping and this somehow spawned. Also known as, even in restaurant au I will find a way to make it mafia -
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“You just… have to work your snake charm on the nobles. Help us out. If they find anything, and they will, we’re like sitting ducks. Ready for hunt, nothing more, nothing else. If you can… If you just manage… So at least Essempi doesn’t fucking murder us in our sleep.”
Wilbur choked on his own breath. Impossible. It was impossible, he couldn’t mean that Soot, that Empire, that Essempi-!
“If they don’t take you, I don’t know how we will avoid full out war. You said it yourself, for fucks sake!”
Wilbur sobbed.
“I died. I think I died,” he breathed.
________
Or: Wilbur Ash gets isekaid into a novel he hates, into a character he despises. As the new Wilbur Soot, his goal is simple: he has to survive. -
When the city life goes to Shit by ErissTheMean
Fandoms: Dream SMP, Stardew Valley (Video Game)
04 Mar 2026
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Phil gripped the letter harder and wished the ever lasting migraine to finally go away. They were going by bus to a middle of nowhere and yet even here they couldn’t escape crying children and Karen’s yammering through the phone.
His boys weren’t making the trip any easier.
He knew they weren’t the happiest with moving to Stardew but Phil was desperate at this point. They all needed a change.
His work at JoJa absolutely destroyed him mentally (maybe a little physically too but he was not going to admit to that, ever). Each day was sucking his soul more and more and when his supervisors decided to dock his pay for someone else's mistake, he nearly entered a meltdown. He didn’t at the time.
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Sbi Stardew Crossover. They all move to Stardew and I just write their little dramas. Some anxieties, some magic, some family feels, as per usual :3 -
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The apple pie sat on a clean, plain plate, surrounded by several other dishes. The dessert was steaming, fresh from the oven. Its smell curled in the air, promising that it was made from the sweetest, most ripe apples from the orchard and the whitest, fluffiest flour.
It even looked incredible.
(...)
And yet Wilbur had absolutely no desire to eat it.
______________
Or: Rewrite of Wash it down with Golden Flower wine
A good ol forewarning tale about accepting food from the FaeSeries
- Part 2 of Flower Wine
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Through the Chaos gate by ErissTheMean for bitsinboots
Fandoms: Hades (Supergiant Games Video Games)
03 Mar 2026
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Zagreus didn’t have much time once everything went to shit. Persephone barked at him to grab everything he could carry and even though he tried to argue, to learn what was going on and help-
_____________
What if, instead of getting captured, Zag managed to escape the House when Chronos first attacked? And what if he took Melinoe with him- and what if he accepted help from Primordial Chaos...?Well, he would get a very interesting boon, that would take him to Broken Pantheon Universe!
At least in this story :) -
Taken by three vampire sons (they missed me so) by ErissTheMean for Toovski
Fandoms: Dream SMP, Minecraft (Video Game)
27 Feb 2026
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Phil is a regular human man, working in a jewelry store and having normal life. He does miss something he never knew- and when that something, or someones come knocking on the door to his life, he will be taken away :)
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Or: Welcome to Kidnapped by three vampire...sons?(They say they miss me) official rewrite that somehow quadrapled the og work! Come enjoy the more fleshed out characters and plot :DSeries
- Part 2 of Three Vampire Sons
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Drowning Breath (Enjoy the Game) by ErissTheMean for HollowBanana, Toovski, ElbowAnarchy
Fandoms: Dream SMP
26 Feb 2026
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[Welcome to SONG OF THE SPILLED ICHOR! The system wishes you the best game!]
Wilbur Soot died and in his last moments, was given a rare chance of redeeming New Beginnings- a boon, he doesn't understand. Thanks to that, his death is not the end stop but the new beginning in a new world! A world where he can use a strange System...?
What is a Player?!
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A kingdom for coffee and a donut! Or a muffin. Or chocolate cookies.
Or really anything that Angel Crumbs has today, Wilbur thought.
He hiked the bag higher on his shoulder and crossed the street. The small bakery joint cafe was thankfully situated on the way to his uni, so he made the effort of stopping there everyday and buying a small something.
And, listen, Wilbur wasn't an idiot. Half the student body weren't idiots- despite what their professors would tell the public. Anyone with working eyeballs could see that the bakery was most likely a front for the mafia. It was too cheap, too suspicious, got visits from police too often and what kind of clerks have so many visible face scars?
But thanks to all of it, the place lured the students. Was it shady? Hell yes! Was it going to deter Wilbur and tens of other, hungry students? Ha! Never in the history of ever._____________________
Or: Twinsduo Coffee Mafia Au with very distressed Wilbur :D -
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They should be ready.
The thought clattered in his mind as he reluctantly uncurled from his sleeping position. It didn’t suit someone of his station- a king shouldn’t be so feeble, so anxious, especially over a plan he himself hatched.
The Pale King shuddered.
His scales itched and he desperately wished to go back to sleep. If he could avoid this dreadful responsibility for even one more day, he would be a very happy higher being. He couldn’t, of course. Too much depended on his presence, he had to be there when the eggs hatched and he had to light the way for them.
If everything worked, only his light would guide those mindless, soulless vessels to move.________________
Or: There is criminally little dark, possesive fics in Hollow Knight fandom. So I write Dark Pale King who brings two Vessels from the Abyss and gets chucked head first into Wyrm Instincts to own. -
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Summary
You could find a lot of cool stuff on the web.
Like scented candles, those were really cool. Or himalayan salt. Soft dark hoodies, that technically counted as robes. A detailed, step by step tutorial of how to summon a demon and how to correctly classify them. A muffin recipe.
Techno bit into the muffin and hummed. A little dry but good, nevertheless.
_____________________________
Or: Techno summons a demon named Wilbur to obtain vast amounts of wealth. Shenaningans ensue -
TCG Dad by ErissTheMean for Toovski, Flustered, ElbowAnarchy
Fandoms: Dream SMP, trading game simulator
16 Sep 2025
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Philza, a totally not mafia boss, is suddenly sent on a sidequest- he has to take over his sister's Trading Card Shop! Because she's going to space!
Well, it's only for two years.
Wait, when did he acquire illegal teenage employees...?
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Villain Wilbur gets curse blasted into the past, to when he was just a baby- but he was left with his memories.
Its time to rewrite history so his father never dies and his brother by choice joins him so much earlier.
(with a dash of parentsduo :D) -
Praise be upon the Lamb by ErissTheMean
Fandoms: Dream SMP, Cult of the Lamb (Video Game)
30 Aug 2025
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Wilbur is the last of his kind.
That’s what they all tell him, when they lead him tied up to the sacrificial altar. That’s what they all believe- and Wilbur, he believes that too.
His parents disappeared so long ago, he can’t even recall their faces. He thinks he had siblings and cousins and the whole shebang but now? Now Wilbur was the last of his kind. All the others were hunted down to extinction, not even for their wool or meat, though Wilbur knows that some perished this way.
No. Sheep and sheep hybrids were executed merely because of prophecy and the Bishop's decree. All of them.
Wilbur nearly escaped. He was doing so good. He and Tommy lived in a real backwater style village that barely deserved to be called a village, he was kind and charming and a real hard worker and it was still not enough. Cultists came and razed the village to the ground, they captured everyone and brought them to the Bishop's.
Wilbur is the last of his kind. And soon, Wilbur will be no more.
__________
Or: Cult of the Lamb AU where I sprinkle more anxiety and angst upon Wilbur -
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Summary
Wilbur carefully scooped a bit of puree onto his fork. It was perfect, from what little he actually managed to eat of it. Creamy, with milk and amazingly seasoned. And then there were steamed broccoli and baby carrots. He remembered hating baby carrots, once upon a time.
But those days were long gone. Wilbur was hungry enough that he’d eat anything placed before him.
Anything, besides the meat and the sauce._________________________________
Or: Wilbur has been adopted and he is refusing to eat dinners with new family. Otherwise known: WIlbur is having bad time, cannibalistic edition.
OR OR: Rewrite of a fic I posted 2 years ago :DSeries
- Part 2 of Family Dinner
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Trouble Brewing by ErissTheMean
Fandoms: Dream SMP, Potion Craft: Alchemist Simulator (Video Game)
08 May 2025
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"Magic users! Wizards! Uh… alchemists! Potion makers, come on!"
Wilbur looked up and gripped Tommy's hand harshly. Tommy looked up at him, his wings slightly shrinking. They were both filthy, covered in soot and ash and Wil already feared the preening session.
"You think we can…?"
"We have to," Wilbur choked out.
He raised his arm. The guards turned to them and soon one elbowed his way towards them.
"Magic, potions?"
"We have basics," Wilbur lied. They had basic herb knowledge but nowhere near to call themselves alchemists. "Healing salve for sure."
___________
Or: Potion Craft AU where I shove trauma onto crimeboys and then shove crimeboys at ED. The family that brews together stays together I say -
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Philza woke up in pain.
He moved slowly, trying to catalog what actually hurt and what was just his brain catastrophizing. Not that his situation wasn’t already catastrophic. He just needed the facts.
First, his neck. When he reached up, his fingers immediately found small puncture wounds, still wet with blood. Understandable. He expected that when the vampires came. Not much else to experience when bloodsuckers come knocking.
The fact they passed him further along was a bit worrying but he tried to not dwell on it too much.
Even though who he was passed to was very fucking terrifying.________________
Or: Continuation of 'Your loyal Servant', next evening, told by Phil's POVSeries
- Part 2 of Servant
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The house of Death is no house. It’s a temple, grand and intimidating, alluring in the worst possible way. One should never look at the bone white marbles and find themselves wanting. That’s the dead’s wish.
But everybody dies.
She smiled to herself, looking through the coloured glass at the poor fools mulling about the steps of her domain. She already could tell which ones would be tempted. Which had to come in, which thought they could get away with just a little peek. They would give Her more than they were willing of course. They always did.
Kristin wasn’t someone easy to trifle with.___________
Kristin is a powerful vampire and Phil is a gift for Her.Series
- Part 1 of Servant
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Its in the Name (cause his name is Kraken) by ErissTheMean for Unlikely (ElbowAnarchy)
Fandoms: Dream SMP
23 Jan 2024
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The sneakiest and most discreet-test mers got the best jobs. And Tommy certainly was the cecaelia of the highest streams! Of course he got picked to do the sneaking around and scuttling about.
And Tommy, as the Biggest Mer, and not the smallest of all the underlings of Sam, would succeed at stealing from the king.____________
Or: Mer Mafia Au, featuring little octopi Tommy and monstrous SBI