What Is Owed, and What Is Given
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What Is Owed, and What Is Given by KitCat_Italica
Fandoms: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Good Omens (TV)
05 Jul 2020
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Summary
Aziraphale looked at Crowley. Really looked at him. He was asking Aziraphale to help him try something new, something that might scare him no matter how much he wanted it. But even with that vulnerability, he was trusting Aziraphale with this. Trusting Aziraphale to catch him if he fell.
Series
- Part 1 of What Is Owed, and What Is Given
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What Is Asked, and What Is Needed by KitCat_Italica
Fandoms: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Good Omens (TV)
29 Sep 2020
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Summary
Crowley started picking at the denim on his knees. “I keep trying to shut all their shit out, and when the smallest thing reminds me of it, it’s like I’m back in that cell again. So I think…what I need is to convince myself, one hundred percent, that I’m not there anymore. That it’s only you, not them.”
“So what are you suggesting?”
“That…I dunno, maybe…we could do a little roleplay.”
Series
- Part 2 of What Is Owed, and What Is Given
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What Is Parched, and What Is Quenched by KitCat_Italica
Fandoms: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Good Omens (TV)
20 Jan 2022
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Summary
They were silent for a time, enjoying each other’s nearness and the tranquility they found themselves in. Until Aziraphale murmured in his ear, “I think I know the real reason you’re so happy.”
“Mm?”
A chuckle. “If you will permit me a bit of vanity…”
“Oh, permission granted.”
They giggled together, pressed close and warm and safe. It was everything Crowley had ever wanted.
Series
- Part 3 of What Is Owed, and What Is Given
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What Is Wanted, and What Is Earned by KitCat_Italica
Fandoms: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Good Omens (TV)
31 Jan 2022
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Summary
Here’s the thing. Crowley liked his appearance. He’d spent just over six thousand years inside this human corporation, and though he enjoyed keeping up with the fashions of the day, the body itself had never changed. And though the humans might consider some of his traits a bit odd (and other traits a bit eye-catching), he liked it.
But now, after those four years of Heaven and Hell dragging his body through the worst torments imaginable…
It was different.
Series
- Part 4 of What Is Owed, and What Is Given
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Summary
Crowley couldn’t deny he was happy with how life had ended up. There had been moments of profound stress and fear along the way—but somehow, he’d wound up here, content and at peace.
But tonight, Crowley allowed his mind to wander. And the path it wandered down tonight, was one he hadn’t contemplated for a while:
What if it hadn’t happened like this?
Series
- Part 5 of What Is Owed, and What Is Given
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Summary
For Aziraphale—an angel who found things he loved and clung to them long past their fashionable utility—deciding he needed change was no small feat.
Crowley—a demon who changed his hairstyles every few years like shedding his serpent’s skin—had agreed with the move wholeheartedly. And so, here they were, living out their days of freedom from Heaven and Hell in a secluded cottage in the English countryside.
But, as with any change, it took some getting used to. Aziraphale knew there would likely be a period of adjustment for them both.
If he’d known how calamitous this change would be, he would’ve run back to London the first chance he had.
Series
- Part 6 of What Is Owed, and What Is Given
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Summary
“I wouldn’t say you’re taking steps backward,” said Aziraphale. “Perhaps it’s…more like a spiral staircase? If you look down at it from above, it might look like you are returning to the same place on the circle over and over again. But if you look from the side, you will see you’re actually climbing higher, even as you return to the same struggles. You’re meeting those struggles with newfound knowledge of how to manage them.”
Series
- Part 7 of What Is Owed, and What Is Given
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Summary
“Is that…something you would ever want?” asked Aziraphale. "If it were not so painful?”
Crowley was quiet for a while. Considering. “I don’t know,” he finally said. “I…” He blew out a breath. “I’m happy with what we get up to now. More than happy.” (Aziraphale snuggled closer in agreement.) “But if this is off the menu for me, I want it off because I chose not to do it. Not because they made me so afraid of it, I can’t decide for myself.”
“I have to agree with you,” said Aziraphale. “So, if that is a course you would like to try, perhaps it will take…a bit of reverse-conditioning? Teaching your body to relax, rather than tense, in response to such a stimulus.”
“Mm,” said Crowley. “Yeah. Maybe.”
Series
- Part 8 of What Is Owed, and What Is Given
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Summary
Crowley hadn’t been able to truly come to terms with his torture in the first few years; he’d just been reacting to his panic in the moment. Then he’d been working hard to settle into a new groove in his relationship with Aziraphale, to become comfortable with his body and sexuality, to desensitize himself to his worst triggers.
Now he had peace. He was comfortable in his now-overtly romantic relationship with Aziraphale. He wasn’t afraid of his body. He didn’t panic immediately from having his back touched, or turning the lights off.
And apparently, that was the signal for his mind to say, you know what? Time to think about the worst moments of being tortured by angels and demons in Hell. What a wonderful idea.
Series
- Part 9 of What Is Owed, and What Is Given
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Summary
His gaze landed on the coffee table, and he groaned inwardly at the only readily-available option that awaited him there. That’s right, everyone: Anthony J. Crowley was desperate enough to try distracting himself from a nightmare…by picking up a book.
But the large, purple tome at the bottom of the stack made him pause. It wasn’t fiction—or if it was, the humans hadn’t caught onto that yet. But it also made him squirm to consider cracking it open. If he was going to distract himself from his traumatic reactions, this was likely the least helpful book to go to.
In the end, he slid the other books aside, and picked up the hefty copy of the DSM-5.
(In which the author is a therapist who also has PTSD, and decides to showcase all her diagnostic skills by projecting onto this poor demon.)
Series
- Part 10 of What Is Owed, and What Is Given
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Summary
Aziraphale was no stranger to pleasure. Ever since he’d first arrived on Earth, and felt the warmth of Eden’s soil against his bare feet, he’d sighed with the unexpected joy it had brought him. Of course it feels good, he’d told himself at the time. It’s part of the Almighty’s Plan. She would not make anything that wasn’t good.
His many forays into sexual pleasure—at least at the start—had been justified in much the same fashion. He was meant to spread Good, and if he could bring delight and satisfaction to an individual human with his own body…well, that was surely a decent thing for an angel to do, right? It wasn’t selfish. It was part of his mission. Surely, Heaven could not fault him for that.
Series
- Part 11 of What Is Owed, and What Is Given
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“You know…my eyes weren’t always yellow. Back when I was an angel.”
He felt Aziraphale grow still in his arms. Those beautiful hazel-gray eyes glanced at him. “Yes. I…I never gave it much thought. But…I suppose it did cross my mind. That you weren’t always…like this.”
Crowley glanced up at the ceiling. Their fight at the bandstand in Battersea Park flashed before his mind. I won’t be forgiven, not ever. Part of a demon’s job description, he’d sneered. And Aziraphale’s response: You were an angel once.
Aziraphale knew. But how much had he wondered about?
“Did you…” Crowley started. Stopped. Collected himself. Then, with a burst of courage, he quietly uttered the terrifying question:
“Did you ever want me to be an angel again?”
Series
- Part 12 of What Is Owed, and What Is Given
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Summary
Crowley made that purring hum deep in his chest again, as he cuddled close to Aziraphale again. “Okay. I fuck you like a bullet train in every position possible, while talking dirty to you about you being a naughty, spoiled princess. Anything else?”
Aziraphale cradled Crowley close in his arms, leaned his head against the lip of the tub, and thought. His eyes widened. “Yes, there is one more thing.”
“Name it.”
“I believe, when we first discussed this possibility…I recall mentioning something about my prettiest lingerie?”
Even with Crowley’s head buried against his neck, he couldn’t mistake the sly smile in the demon’s voice. “I was hoping you’d remember that.”
Series
- Part 13 of What Is Owed, and What Is Given
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Summary
Crowley took his first sip of coffee, and thought back to the dream.
Now that he thought about it more, he realized the dream was answering an idle question he’d sometimes pondered. Usually he thought of it after a difficult moment that Aziraphale had just helped him through. He’d lay there in his angel’s arms, drying his tears, feeling those loving arms holding him, those gentle hands stroking his hair, listening to Aziraphale’s tender reassurances that he would be alright. In those moments, Crowley would wonder, in a thanking-God sort of way, What the Heaven would I have done, if I didn’t have Aziraphale to help me heal?
Well, his dream last night was an answer to that question. And it was just as he’d suspected: if he hadn’t had Aziraphale’s constant love and support, and had to fend for himself after his torture…he would have handled it very, very badly.
Series
- Part 14 of What Is Owed, and What Is Given
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Summary
“I’ve told you how much I wanted this, right?” Crowley found himself murmuring to Aziraphale’s neck. “How much I wanted to hold you, all these years?”
“You certainly have,” Aziraphale murmured back. “And I hope you know how much I’ve longed for this, too.” His hand on Crowley’s shoulder pressed, his arms tightening around Crowley in a loving hug. “I longed to hold you in my arms. To keep you safe. To make sure you knew you were loved.”
Crowley’s breath caught for a second. His mind went blank with the utter bliss he felt at being told that. “I do,” he managed to whisper. “I do feel loved. And safe.” He nuzzled against Aziraphale’s neck. “I thought of being with you, when they had me in Hell. Thoughts of you were all that kept me going.”
Series
- Part 15 of What Is Owed, and What Is Given
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Summary
Crowley's trauma stubbornly refused to believe such a thing as safety was true; PTSD was the body getting stuck in the past, acting as if the danger was still present. He panicked, and had nightmares, and sat in chairs so his back was to the wall, because some instinctual part of his neural circuitry was screaming at him that you’re still vulnerable, you’re still not safe, they’ll come to violate you at any minute, protect yourself, protect yourself, PROTECT YOURSELF.
But now, for the first time in a long, long while…that part of his brain was finally, blessedly, quiet. He didn’t need to protect himself. There was no danger, no imminent threat. He was safe. He was safe.
Series
- Part 16 of What Is Owed, and What Is Given
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Summary
When Crowley suddenly came to, he was on his usual sofa in the bookshop.
He hadn’t been asleep; at least, he didn’t think he had. He would’ve remembered a period of unconsciousness. (Right?) But what he vaguely remembered in the last…however long it had been…was a fuzziness, in both his vision and his thoughts. Fog in his eyes, and low static in his brain. As for the rest of him…it was like the rest of his body hadn’t existed. Hence, fog, and static, and numbness.
Hello dissociation, his old friend of the last eleven months since his rescue from Hell.
Series
- Part 17 of What Is Owed, and What Is Given
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“Not thinking about anything particular they did to me,” Crowley finally murmured. “Just thinking about…what they called me.”
He didn’t say anything further for a while. Aziraphale covered the hand on his chest with his own, stroking his thumb against the knuckles and tendons. “What did they call you?” he asked softly.
Crowley heaved out a heavy breath. “Slut. And whore.”
Series
- Part 18 of What Is Owed, and What Is Given
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A crushing weight of look what you’ve done now constricted Crowley’s chest, as he realized how much the details of his memory had upset his angel. Even though Aziraphale had given him the permission to share this memory dredged up from his nightmare…they both hadn’t been careful enough.
Now, they were both traumatized. They were two broken heaps of ethereal/occult beings, huddled together under the horror of what that Prince of Hell had done. All they could do was cling to each other, and fall apart sobbing in each other’s arms.
Series
- Part 19 of What Is Owed, and What Is Given
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Aziraphale freed his hand from Crowley’s grasp for a moment, to stroke his love’s cheek. “Oh, Crowley. How I wish I could have spared you from it all. I wish my love had been a physical shield, to protect you from all unwanted touches.”
Crowley smirked sadly. “That would’ve come in handy.”
Aziraphale was startled to hear himself laugh for a moment at the comment. But when he stopped laughing, he thought he might cry, as the words he’d kept stuffed down for years burst out of him without warning: “Will you forgive me? For failing to protect you?”
Crowley’s brow furrowed. He stared at Aziraphale in silence for three seconds. Five seconds. Ten seconds.
When he did speak, it was a single, quietly-uttered word: “No.”
Series
- Part 20 of What Is Owed, and What Is Given