all of this turbulence wasn't forecasted
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they'll never know how I'd stared at the dark in that room (with no thoughts like a blood-sniffing shark) by EllisMais154
Fandoms: The Sidemen RPF
15 May 2024
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Summary
It was violent. Oh, the way Josh did it was violent. It was abhorrent. It was vicious and vehement and Josh thought that that was how it’d happen, that one day he’d get too ferocious and tear too deep, that it would happen on a day he wasn’t expecting it, on a day when he was too stressed and too anxious to think clearly, and as the years went by and Josh grew up, the sheer violence of his self-hatred grew stronger. It was more than trampling through a bed of daisies. It was more than treading on a beloved pet’s tail. It was more than accidentally dropping a glass on the floor.
It was pouring gasoline over your family home and setting it on fire while you stood in the epicentre, watching the people you love and the house you grew up in burn.
***
OR:Josh is exhausted, and he doesn't know how much more he can take.
Series
- Part 1 of all of this turbulence wasn't forecasted
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freight train stampedin’ through my back yard (it’ll run across the plains like the new buffalo replaced) by EllisMais154
Fandoms: The Sidemen RPF
24 May 2024
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Summary
Josh’s empty, packed up house loomed like a cliff about to fall, the precipice hanging on by barely a thread, but then Josh had gone and cut that thread, sending the cliff crashing down into the depths of the ocean below, the riptides and the currents dragging the debris in millions of different directions.
Simon wordlessly let the pieces go, completely at a loss of how he was going to move on from today.
Nothing was ever going to be the same again.
***
OR:Simon never gets on the private jet, instead making a decision that changes the course of his life forever.
Series
- Part 2 of all of this turbulence wasn't forecasted
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you’re growing tired of me (you love me so hard and I still can’t sleep) by EllisMais154
Fandoms: The Sidemen RPF
06 Jun 2024
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Summary
No matter what he tried he couldn’t block their voices out, couldn’t get those words out of his head, an irritating earworm that wouldn’t leave him alone.
He knew he was fucked up in the most fucked-up way possible, but hearing professionals say those words twisted something in his gut, twisted like a poisoned knife that pumped all kinds of vicious toxins into his body with no way of draining them out.
He fucked up. He was fucked up.
And Josh was fucking floundering.
***
OR:Josh is dealing with the aftermath of his actions. He isn't coping well.
Series
- Part 3 of all of this turbulence wasn't forecasted
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I don’t want your pity (I just want somebody near me) by EllisMais154
Fandoms: The Sidemen RPF
17 Jun 2024
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Summary
Josh tried to ignore the sharp arrow of rejection that thudded into his heart, tried to ignore the coldness of it, the brief panic that set in immediately after it had hit, tried to ignore the way his heart squeezed too tight, like it used to whenever his parents shouted at him to leave the room as a kid, shouted at him to go upstairs, to entertain himself because ‘can’t you see we’re in the middle of something?’ And then when he did go upstairs and shut himself in his bedroom, he’d hear their voices shouting from downstairs, from the kitchen, and it would be all Josh heard that night, that week, that month, that year.
Rejection and easy dismissal had followed Josh his entire life – why would it suddenly stop now?
***
OR:Josh agrees to see the rest of the boys. He makes a few realisations. Comfort ensues.
Series
- Part 4 of all of this turbulence wasn't forecasted
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I’ve grown into a tall child (and I don’t wanna go home) by EllisMais154
Fandoms: The Sidemen RPF
27 Jun 2024
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Summary
It had been a week since Josh had let the boys in to his hospital room, a week since Josh had broken down again, and finally, fucking finally, Josh was allowed to leave the hospital, and in that week, Josh hadn’t been alone once, either one, two, three, or all of the boys residing in the room, taking shifts, keeping him company and simply sitting with him, existing with him.
Because that’s all Josh was doing now. Existing. It was all he’d done for years, and it was all he’d ever do. That was all Josh would ever be good for.
Existing.
Existing until he no longer existed.
***
OR:Josh is finally released from the hospital.
Simon drives him home.Series
- Part 5 of all of this turbulence wasn't forecasted
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I’ve been trying to lay my head down (but I’m writing this at 3am) by EllisMais154
Fandoms: The Sidemen RPF
08 Jul 2024
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Summary
See, Josh always thought he loved like a lonely, loyal dog would.
He waited for people to come to him, waited for people to collar him with their hands and their words, waited for people to say, ‘you’re mine now.’ He waited for people to tell him to sit, roll over, bark, and he would fetch, heel, and wait for them, even if, at the end of the day, month, year, forever, they never pet him, they never rewarded him for his loyalty. Josh’s sole existence on this Earth was to serve others and to never question any other option.
So Josh listened, he obeyed, and he did as he was told because he didn’t think he was allowed to do anything else. He never thought he was allowed to be the person to ask for anything. He’d resigned himself to be this lonely, loyal dog for the rest of his life.
***
OR:Josh is surviving, barely.
He relapses.
JJ helps him discover healthy coping mechanisms.Series
- Part 6 of all of this turbulence wasn't forecasted
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there is a door to me, I’ve never seen it (sometimes I get closer to it but I’ve never found it) by EllisMais154
Fandoms: The Sidemen RPF
17 Jul 2024
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Summary
Dead, but not. That was how he looked. He was sure he’d looked worse on the lead up to his attempt, and he was sure he’d looked terrible the entire time he was in the hospital, but… he looked terrible. Rough. Dark circles beneath his eyes. Pale. Delicate. Small. Fragile.
Like he could break at a moment’s notice, like he could crumble to pieces (like those crushed, little stars he always believed himself to embody). So many parts of Josh had died, so many pieces, and they all clung to Josh’s insides like limpets, barely clinging on against the tide, and the ever-growing weight of those pieces held him down and pressed on his lungs, leaving Josh breathless and always just out of focus of himself.
(How many graves would Josh need to dig to bury everything that had died inside of him?)
OR:
Ethan cuts Josh's hair.
Fluff and angst ensue.
(Josh starts to open up).Series
- Part 7 of all of this turbulence wasn't forecasted
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I am a forest fire (and I am the fire and I am the forest and I am a witness watching it) by EllisMais154
Fandoms: The Sidemen RPF
01 Aug 2024
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Summary
He looked away and continued to shake, continued to breathe messily and all over the place, his thoughts existing as this jumbled pile of puzzle pieces from different puzzles that would never fit together: he loved that his friends cared, that they wanted to help, but he detested how they were seeing this side of him: it had always been there but the boys had never realised, had never seem it for what it was, and now they were seeing it and they couldn’t unsee it: they were seeing just how broken he was, seeing how he could barely function on a day to day basis without resorting to violence and it unsettled him. He was used to dealing with things on his own, used to coping (or not) with a knife and too many glasses of wine, with five shots of Jack Daniels at midnight, with excessive amounts of Cocoanut, with too many pills.
***
OR:The Sidemen start posting videos again.
Josh is getting better, but he also takes a few steps back.
He has a long overdue conversation with Tobi.Series
- Part 8 of all of this turbulence wasn't forecasted
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I am the idiot with the painted face in the corner taking up space (but when he walks in I am loved) by EllisMais154
Fandoms: The Sidemen RPF
19 Aug 2024
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Summary
To try to distract himself from the black hole that was his existence, Josh had put all of his efforts into taking care of Harry and learning everything he could about the younger boy, trying his best to keep him safe from harm (not that Harry made it easy, mind.
More than once Josh had driven across London in the early hours of the morning to rescue Harry from another angry drunkard (he’d just torn his arms to pieces but nobody needed to know. They’d always itched and burned beneath the hastily applied bandages, beneath his sleeves, but Harry came first. Whenever Harry called, Josh always followed), from another drug-induced brawl, from another minor overdose that left Harry listless and out of it the bathroom floor of whatever pub he’d ended up in at 5am, from another rather handsy stranger that wouldn’t leave the poor lad alone.
Now their roles were reversed, with Harry worrying about Josh at every twist and turn – and Josh wished that things could go back to the way they were.
***
OR:Josh opens up to Harry.
Fluff and shenanigans ensure.Series
- Part 9 of all of this turbulence wasn't forecasted
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keep a leftovеr light burnin' so you can keep lookin' up (isn't that worth holdin' on?) by EllisMais154
Fandoms: The Sidemen RPF
04 Sep 2024
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Summary
A hand settled on Josh’s shoulder.
He flinched away violently, wrenched his eyes open and backed himself as far into the corner of the sofa as he could get, his entire existence shuddering, breathless and terrified.
Of Vik.
He was terrified of Vik, the man who looked equally as terrified, who looked equally as heartbroken about what had just happened.
***
OR:Josh finally agrees to go out on a walk with Vik.
It doesn't go as either of them planned.
Angst ensues.Series
- Part 10 of all of this turbulence wasn't forecasted
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would you tell me if you want me (‘cause I can’t move until you show me) by EllisMais154
Fandoms: The Sidemen RPF
16 Sep 2024
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Summary
One day at midnight they made hot chocolate when Josh was too antsy to sleep, ‘I’m not tired, Behz,’ then ‘the ceiling’s moving.’ After the fact, they’d shared the bed once more, and eventually Josh drifted off, still restless, the room still spinning, though not as bad as it had done before. He’d startled awake to an empty bed, a lingering hollowness settling in his chest, and he wandered about the house until he found Ethan sat at the kitchen table, a black coffee in hand, his face haggard, absolutely exhausted.
Warning bells sounded in Josh’s heart, the city hall alerting people to a threat, to an attack. He made his way over and sat beside Ethan, worrying like he always did, and put a hand on the small of Ethan’s back, pressing against the exposed skin where Ethan’s shirt had ridden up; Ethan’s body was hot, burning like a furnace, and his warmth seeped into Josh’s frozen fingertips.
Ethan startled at the touch. ‘You’re fucking cold,’ he muttered, a tired smile tugging his lips up in the corners, fondness seeping into his irises when he looked at Josh.
***
OR:Ethan and Josh have a long, overdue chat.
Ethan discovers something Josh would have rather kept buried.Series
- Part 11 of all of this turbulence wasn't forecasted
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the ground has been slowly pulling us back down (you see it on both our skin) by EllisMais154
Fandoms: The Sidemen RPF
09 Oct 2024
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Summary
All of the air that resided in Simon’s lungs froze, and tendrils of the same frost hit his heart, sinking its claws into is veins and seeping into his bloodstream, cold and sluggish.
He opened and closed his mouth but nothing came out, because, realistically, Simon couldn’t deny it. In a sense, she was right. Talia was right.
***
OR:Simon and Talia are arguing.
Josh is stuck in the middle.
They work things out. Kind of. Eventually.Series
- Part 12 of all of this turbulence wasn't forecasted
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there’s a deal you can make on a midnight walk alone (it will ask what you’d give and what you’d take for it in return) by EllisMais154
Fandoms: The Sidemen RPF
14 Oct 2024
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Summary
And Ethan would never forget the look on Simon’s face, would never forget how fucking broken Simon had been upon walking out of Josh’s old house to greet them all after they’d finally, fucking finally, touched back down upon English soil and raced to support him.
He would also never forget how fucking long the flight back from Vegas was, or how suffocating it was, the knowledge of what Josh had tried to do weighing them down, or how helpless they’d all felt because they were so far away and couldn’t do a single thing to help.
(how, after Tobi had gotten off the phone with Simon, his face pale, his body trembling, his eyes hollow and heartbroken at the same time, how fucking long it had taken for Tobi to tell them, how loud Tobi had sobbed before he could get the words out, and all Ethan could think was…
No. No. Not Josh. No. Not my best mate. No).
***
OR:Ethan and Tobi go and pay a visit to Josh's mum.
They have a few, choice words for her.
Ethan gives her an ultimatum.Series
- Part 13 of all of this turbulence wasn't forecasted
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I thought I’d travelled a long way (but I had circled the same old sin) by EllisMais154
Fandoms: The Sidemen RPF
02 Nov 2024
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Summary
For the longest time, waking up happy was never a possibility for Joshua Bradley.
One, because he never slept much in the first place, and two, on the rare nights he did sleep, he could simply never imagine happiness for himself, having had too many mornings when he’d woken up aching, tired, still empty and broken with too many pieces in too many different places to form any sense of humanity inside of him, leaving him as this fragmented psyche trapped in quicksand, and no matter how hard he kicked, he just sank deeper and deeper.
Until his friends reached in with strong hands to pull him out.
***
OR:Ethan and Tobi talk to Josh.
Josh gets stuck in a downward spiral.
He does something he isn't proud of.Series
- Part 14 of all of this turbulence wasn't forecasted
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I always thought the choice was mine and I was right (but I just chose wrong) by EllisMais154
Fandoms: The Sidemen RPF
28 Nov 2024
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Summary
He thought about Vik, about Harry, about Behz, about how they were all so young, despite only being a few years younger than Josh, but he felt that the age gap was increasing every day, especially as of late; Vik could run laps around all of them if he put his mind to it; Harry could sit on the floor for hours without being in pain; Ethan’s knees popped but never ached; although Josh walked, and ran, and boxed, he tired more easily, and his bones seized up like rusted iron at the first opportunity.
It was safe to say that Josh loved his friends. He loved them a lot, and because of that, he wanted to be better for them. He didn’t want to die anymore, he knew that, fuck, he’d known that weeks, if not months, ago. He just… he wanted to be better.
He just didn’t see how he could achieve that in a sustainable way, in a way that wouldn’t be without setbacks that upset more than just him.
***
OR:Josh plays golf with the Cals and Randy.
He opens up to Freezy in a way he never had before.
Josh finally, finally, thinks that he’s moving forward.Series
- Part 15 of all of this turbulence wasn't forecasted
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I wanna be just like the sea (just swaying in the water so to be at ease) by EllisMais154
Fandoms: The Sidemen RPF
14 Dec 2024
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Summary
As a kid, Simon had loved learning about space, and the planets, and the entire solar system. To Simon’s innocent soul, the universe was simply a concept, an exciting thing that inspired Simon to explore the world and to appreciate life as he knew it. He grew infatuated with the stars and the galaxies, and he was left in awe when his primary school teacher had explained the concept of a black hole to him.
Yet, as he’d grown up, he realised it was all a lie. Space, and the black hole itself, was a whole lot of nothing. He’d read reports of astronauts who had been in space for a long period of time, read stories of astronauts that the Earth could never bring home, that humanity could never save – they wrote about how space was cold and lonely and so fucking far away from every thing and every one they had ever known.
***
OR:Ethan and Tobi talk to Simon.
Simon crumbles once more.Series
- Part 16 of all of this turbulence wasn't forecasted
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happy came to visit me, he bought cookies on the way (I poured him tea, and he told me, ‘it’ll all be okay’) by EllisMais154
Fandoms: The Sidemen RPF
09 Jan 2025
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Summary
Ethan sat close to Josh and played with the little curls at the nape of Josh’s neck absentmindedly, curling them around his fingers and lightly scratching at the soft skin that resided there. Harry sat on Josh’s other side and lounged across him, his legs in Josh’s lap, curled up against his side, wedged firmly beneath Josh’s arm.
And Josh felt so loved, so fucking warm – his friends all exuberated warmth and Josh was an addict who couldn’t get enough of it, who couldn’t get enough of them, their warmth hitting him like a log fire in the middle of winter. They thawed him out and left him in a peaceful state of mild melancholy.
Melancholic for the life he didn’t live before; hopeful for living that life now.
***
OR:Josh is finally happy.
Series
- Part 17 of all of this turbulence wasn't forecasted