Work Text:
Scene 1: The Meeting
LAN QIREN: Hello everyone, and welcome to our monthly Homeowners Association Board meeting. Since nobody bothered to reply to my email asking for agenda items—again—I will start with the most obvious one: we have a new resident in our community. A person called Wei Wuxian.
JIN GUANGSHAN [bored]: Since when is that worthy of discussion? People move in and out all the time.
LAN QIREN: I would say it is at least mildly noteworthy, as he has taken residence in the abandoned castle up in the woods, which technically belongs to our town.
JIANG FENGMIAN: Can you even live there? I did not know it was for sale. Who was the previous owner?
LAN QIREN: All very good questions. According to my research, it belonged to an outsider—a woman called… Baoshan Sanren.
NIE MINGJUE: Isn’t she some kind of famous influencer? I think Huaisang follows her on Instagram.
LAN QIREN [stares blankly for a second]: …Anyway. I think we can all agree that this is rather suspicious. We were not consulted before the move, and we need to ensure this person is aware of our rules and regulations.
JIANG FENGMIAN: We could send an email?
LAN QIREN: Oh yes, because that has worked without fail every time I send one to you. Also, pray tell—what address should I use?
WEN RUOHAN: Qiren, I’ve told you time and again, sarcasm does not suit you.
LAN QIREN [breathes deeply]: Since nobody has a better idea with any chance of success, the simplest solution is to send a welcome committee up to the castle. Any volunteers?
EVERYONE: [suddenly finds the ceiling fascinating]
LAN QIREN [sighs]: What a surprise. Wangji!
LAN WANGJI [looks up from his notepad]: Uncle?
LAN QIREN: You’re going. Given your deep understanding of the rules, you are the best person to relay their importance to a newcomer.
JIN GUANGSHAN [under his breath]: Phew. Talk about making someone feel welcome…
WEN RUOHAN [whispers]: Poor guy won’t know what hit him.
LAN QIREN: What was that?
JIN GUANGSHAN & WEN RUOHAN: Nothing.
LAN WANGJI [stares into mid-air, somehow even less expressive than usual]: …This will be fine.
Scene 2: The Other Meeting
LAN WANGJI [after banging the door knocker on a ridiculously large double door, slightly out of breath from lugging a gift basket uphill]: Hello?
…
LAN WANGJI [knocks again]: Hellooo?
…
LAN WANGJI [leans against the door and almost topples over as it swings open]: Oh—
WEI WUXIAN [catches him]: …Oh.
LAN WANGJI [stares up into the most beautiful eyes he has ever seen]: …You are home.
WEI WUXIAN [grins]: I suppose I am. And so are you—that is, in my home. Which means it would be appropriate for me to at least know your name, wouldn’t it?
LAN WANGJI [pulls away, ears bright red]: My apologies. My name is Lan Wangji. I am here on behalf of our community’s Homeowners Association to welcome you and—
WEI WUXIAN: Ohhh right, I heard you have one of those! How fun. Do you all get together and have parties?
LAN WANGJI: …Not exactly. We meet once a month to—
WEI WUXIAN: Have a board game night? Do some crafts? Watch movies together while getting shitfaced?
LAN WANGJI: —discuss the rules, and what to do with people who break them.
WEI WUXIAN: …You’re joking.
LAN WANGJI: No.
WEI WUXIAN: Well.
LAN WANGJI: Mn.
WEI WUXIAN: That’s tragic. You do realize that’s actually tragic, right?
LAN WANGJI: …I brought you a gift basket.
WEI WUXIAN [perks up]: Oh! Give it here! …This is heavy. Are there bottles of alcohol in it? I heard the area has some good ones. I could—wait. This is just a huge book. Is this—
LAN WANGJI: Our Rules & Regulations. Yes. You should… read them.
WEI WUXIAN [smile widening dangerously]: Oh, I will. Believe me.
LAN WANGJI: That does not sound reassuring.
WEI WUXIAN [laughs]: It isn’t meant to be.
LAN WANGJI [long-suffering]: Wei Wuxian…
WEI WUXIAN: Please, call me Wei Ying. I think we’ll be seeing a lot of each other. But—[glances at his watch, then the sky]—not to be rude, I have congee on the stove, and I hate when it gets too mushy, so I’m afraid—
LAN WANGJI: I will take my leave, then. Wei Ying.
WEI WUXIAN [grins]: Bye-bye, Lan Wangji!
LAN WANGJI: Lan Zhan. [turns, flustered, and nearly flees]
WEI WUXIAN [quietly]: Lan Zhan.
Scene 3: The Emergency Meeting
LAN QIREN: Thank you, everyone, for attending this emergency Board meeting.
NIE MINGJUE [still in his pyjamas]: Isn’t this a little over the top?
WEN RUOHAN: Yeah, I mean, those fireballs were kind of beautiful.
JIANG FENGMIAN: While I don’t have anything against nightly illumination, I can’t say I loved the forest boars taking shelter in my backyard. Those garden gnomes were quite expensive.
JIN GUANGSHAN [straightening his golden nightgown]: As expensive as they are tasteless.
LAN QIREN: I have received multiple complaints from our esteemed residents about both the fire and the noises up at the castle, so—
NIE MINGJUE: Did anyone besides Mr. Yao complain?
LAN QIREN: Well, I admit that most of the reports came from him, but—
LAN WANGJI: I will go again.
LAN QIREN [moved]: …Such sense of duty. Such filial piety.
LAN WANGJI [ears burning]: …Mn.
Scene 4: Yet Another Meeting
LAN WANGJI [knocking on the door, slightly out of breath from lugging yet another gift basket up the hill]: Wei Ying?
WEI WUXIAN [swings the door open, smiling brightly]: Lan Zhan! That was quick.
LAN WANGJI: Yes. Well.
WEI WUXIAN [sighs]: Let me guess. This is not a social call.
LAN WANGJI: About those fireballs…
WEI WUXIAN [sighs again]: All right, we probably shouldn’t discuss this on the doorstep. Won’t you come in for a bit?
LAN WANGJI: Mn. [follows WEI WUXIAN into the castle, through a surprisingly well-kept foyer, up the double staircase, into a cozy living room]
WEI WUXIAN: Sit down, sit down. Make yourself comfortable. Can I get you anything to drink?
LAN WANGJI [sits on the fluffy sofa]: No, thank you. Wei Ying—
WEI WUXIAN [holds up a finger]: Ah-ah! Don’t tell me throwing fireballs at midnight is against the rules, because it isn’t. I checked.
LAN WANGJI: You’ve read the rules.
WEI WUXIAN: Mm-hmm.
LAN WANGJI: All three thousand of them.
WEI WUXIAN: Yup.
LAN WANGJI: …Just to figure out which annoying things you can do that aren’t forbidden.
WEI WUXIAN: Perfect summary. Ten out of ten.
LAN WANGJI: …I can respect that.
WEI WUXIAN [surprised and delighted]: You can?
LAN WANGJI: I brought you another gift basket.
WEI WUXIAN [narrows his eyes as he takes it]: If this is some kind of annex to your R&Rs, I’m going to—wait, why is this clinking? And sloshing? Is this… oh my God, Lan Zhan, this is Emperor’s Smile! I’ve been dying to try it!
LAN WANGJI: Please don’t die. I thought you might want to enjoy it while you explain how exactly you’re sitting in front of me now after spitting fireballs last night.
WEI WUXIAN [smile freezing]: …Spitting?
LAN WANGJI: Mn.
WEI WUXIAN [wailing theatrically]: Lan Zhaan! You’re too clever for your own good! Didn’t you consider that I might have to keep anyone who finds out prisoner forever and ever?
LAN WANGJI: …I did.
WEI WUXIAN: Ohhh.
Scene 5: The MIA Meeting
LAN QIREN: Hello, and welcome—
WEN RUOHAN: Yes, yes, yes. What is it this time?
JIANG FENGMIAN: The fireballs are gone after all, and I was able to restore my garden to its full glory.
JIN GUANGSHAN [muttering]: Well, thank the heavens for that.
NIE MINGJUE: I didn’t see or hear anything worth complaining about either. What do you need us for anyway? You just keep sending poor Wangji up there. Where is he, by the way?
LAN QIREN: That’s exactly the problem! He didn’t come back from his last, uh, mission. Something must have gone wrong. We need—
WEN RUOHAN: —to calm down and give Wangji the break he’s probably taking somewhere in the woods?
LAN QIREN: —pitchforks, and—
JIANG FENGMIAN: Qiren, are you all right?
LAN QIREN: —torches! Many torches!!
JIN GUANGSHAN: For fuck’s sake, we’re really going to have to trek up that mountain, aren’t we?
LAN QIREN: We’ll kill the beast!
NIE MINGJUE: The what now?
WEN RUOHAN: Just go with it. You know what happens when he gets like this. He just needs to run it off. Yes, yes, Qiren, we’re going. Keep your hair on.
Scene 6: The Mob Meeting
JIN GUANGSHAN: It’s fucking hot, and these torches are doing nothing against it.
JIANG FENGMIAN: Neither is your golden wool poncho.
WEN RUOHAN: The fact that it’s daytime is also kind of ruining the fire vibe.
LAN QIREN: Haters, all of you.
NIE MINGJUE: Since we’ve almost made it to the castle, do we have an actual plan once we get there?
LAN QIREN: Well. We’ll do what needs to be done.
NIE MINGJUE: …That’s a no, then.
JIANG FENGMIAN: I’m sure things will evolve naturally.
JIN GUANGSHAN: If that’s your strategy in life, I have no further questions about your whole—[gestures at JIANG FENGMIAN]
JIANG FENGMIAN: What’s that supposed to mean?
LAN QIREN: Gentlemen! We need to act as a team here!
WEN RUOHAN: Who is he talking to, exactly?
NIE MINGJUE: I’ve attended so many better-organized D&D campaigns.
LAN QIREN: …What? Anyway, we’re here. [bangs on the door with his pitchfork] WEI WUXIAN!!
JIN GUANGSHAN: Ugh. Here goes nothing.
LAN QIREN: WEI WUXIAAAAAAAN! Open the door, or I’ll set it on fire!!
WEN RUOHAN: You are aware that your nephew is probably in there?
LAN QIREN: Open the door, or I will slightly char it so it becomes unsightly and completely violates our rule about facade aesthetics!
JIANG FENGMIAN: Ooh, low blow.
WEI WUXIAN [yelling from inside]: I’m coming, I’m coming. Oh my God, what’s gotten your knickers in a twist? [rips the door open, panting] You do realize normal people can’t run through a whole-ass castle in less than two seconds? [stops and stares at the group] Wait, what’s with these torches? Are those honest-to-God pitchforks? Where do you even get stuff like that in this century?
NIE MINGJUE [blank-faced]: Standard HoA issue. Don’t even ask.
LAN QIREN: This is not the point! Let my nephew go at once, or—!
WEI WUXIAN: Oooh! You must be Lan Qiren then. Such a—uh—multi-layered emotion to meet you. Yes, Lan Zhan mentioned you might get a little upset if he didn’t report back within the day.
LAN QIREN: Lan Zh—YOU! Such impertinence! Such shamelessness! Such—
LAN WANGJI [sauntering in wearing only his underrobes]: Wei Ying, where did you go? What is all this noise? Did… oh! Hello, Uncle!
NIE MINGJUE: Oh, this is good.
LAN QIREN [turning from red to white to green at an alarming rate]: Wangji! What is the meaning of this??
JIN GUANGSHAN: Do you really need to ask?
LAN WANGJI [pulling his robes tighter, trying in vain to hide about twenty love bites on his neck and shoulders]: I have carried out my mission with diligence. After the initial evidence remained inconclusive, I expanded my research into further areas and can, with great pleasure, confirm that Wei Ying poses no danger whatsoever to our community.
LAN QIREN: Are my ears bleeding? I feel like my ears should be bleeding.
JIANG FENGMIAN: Well, I think that settles it. All good, no harm done.
LAN QIREN: There is so much harm!! Just look at—
WEN RUOHAN: Qiren, give it a rest and let those two continue where we interrupted them.
LAN QIREN: But—
NIE MINGJUE: Apologies, Mr. Wei. Take good care of our Wangji, yes? We’d be happy to see you at our next summer party.
WEI WUXIAN: So there are parties after all! Lan Zhan, you held out on me!
LAN WANGJI: Mn. Maybe with you there, it will be an actual party.
WEI WUXIAN: Hahaha! You’re so funny! President Lan, your nephew is really the greatest! Imagine if you hadn’t sent him up here—we might never have met!
LAN QIREN: Hhhhghh.
JIANG FENGMIAN: Apologies, the heat doesn’t agree with him. We’ll leave you be. Welcome to our community! [drags out a constipated-looking LAN QIREN, followed by the others]
WEI WUXIAN [waves after them]: Byeee! …Well. That went better than expected.
LAN WANGJI: Mn. Back to bed?
WEI WUXIAN: Thought you’d never ask.
Scene 7: The Last Meeting
LAN QIREN: Hello and welcome, yadda yadda.
JIANG FENGMIAN [whispers]: Is he all right?
JIN GUANGSHAN [not bothering to whisper]: Has he ever been?
LAN QIREN [gives them the stink-eye]: As some of you will no doubt be delighted to hear, this will be my last HoA Board meeting as your president.
NIE MINGJUE: Oh! I mean, oh no! What happened?
LAN QIREN: I am retiring.
WEN RUOHAN: You’ve been retired for at least ten years. That’s why you have so much time on your hands.
LAN QIREN: I am retiring as Board President, for God’s sake!
JIANG FENGMIAN: How come?
LAN QIREN: This morning, Wangji informed me that apparently I have a nephew-in-law now.
WEN RUOHAN [snorts]: They eloped? After like four days? That’s impressive!
LAN QIREN: Mn. It seems this Wei Wuxian possesses certain biological… peculiarities. Something involving an, uh, egg.
JIN GUANGSHAN [applauds]: A shotgun wedding! Qiren, I did not think your nephew had it in him.
LAN QIREN: I am not sure your approval is a good thing.
NIE MINGJUE: Why is this a reason for retirement anyway?
LAN QIREN: Well. The situation may significantly reduce the amount of time I can spend enforcing our rules.
JIANG FENGMIAN [excited]: Ohhh my God, you’re going to be a great-uncle!
LAN QIREN: …Indeed.
WEN RUOHAN: You are aware that we will keep a keen eye on any balls that get kicked over the forest border. And please heed the approved color scheme for street chalk drawings. Also—
LAN QIREN: I hate all of you.
ALL: We will miss you too.