Archive of Our Own ^beta

Tommy had a long and difficult relationship with touch. He used to love it, craved it and it felt as though he needed it just as much as he needed to breathe. Now, though, the smallest brush of someone else made him panic and burn from the inside out, breath quickening and mind racing. He couldn't pick out a single moment when it all changed, but it was gradual enough until suddenly it was wave of anguish.

When he was young, he used to hang off his brothers like it meant nothing. Swinging from their arms and climbing them like trees. He loved when his father held him from his armpits as they climbed higher and higher in the cool air. He would laugh when he was dropped, only to be caught right before he hit the ground. When he was young, he couldn't sleep in his own bed because he needed to feel someone else's warmth at night to keep the nightmares away.

Tubbo was a great addition to the family, latching immediately onto Tommy. The two of them were inseparable and seemed connected at the hip. Instead of the youngest member climbing into bed with the others, Tubbo climbed into his bed. They could both keep each other safe from the monsters at night, keep the shadows away… save each other from the night.

Then Phil and Techno left, leaving the two boys with Wilbur. The teen did his best to raise the two kids, but sometimes he would yell and throw things. In those moments, Tubbo and Tommy held onto each other. Other than those moments, he still let the pair practically climb all over him. Eventually, he brought them to Hypixel and let them run around the server and play the many games available.

When Tommy got the invite for the Dream SMP, he was excited. Him and Tubbo were fourteen and finally allowed to explore other servers alone. It wasn't his fault he got his invite back first, leaving Tubbo and Wilbur at home until their invites came as well. At the time, Dream, the admin, was great… a little odd, but great. He was nice to the teen and didn't mind when he got random hugs or winded when he was knocked over by Tommy rushing by and accidentally running into him. It was good.

Then Tubbo joined and he had his partner in crime back. When Purpled joined next, he was a little colder, but warmed up to Tommy's touch. The other blond would not initiate touch most of the time, but didn't complain when Tommy did.

Wilbur joining really screwed everyone over. L'Manberg was a great idea, freedom from the ruling powers that seemed like hypocrites when it came to anyone else. However, that was the first time Tommy properly got hurt. In his too big uniform, sleeves pushed up as he ran away from the fire that ravaged the surrounding forest. He got burned that day and flinched harshly when Fundy tried to put a salve on it.

Then there was the Final Control Room. He didn't mean to press the button… if he had known, he never would've touched it and would have turned around and ran out of that place. Instead, he was impaled on Dream's sword and lost his first life. The hours it took to respawn hurt more than anything in the world, his body rebuilding itself from nothing.

The duel didn't go as planned, either. A shot through the heart and blood pooling around him before he was set to respawn. He shook like a leaf as he handed over his most prized possessions to Dream in exchange for their independence, a child soldier doing what he thought was best to win the war.

The in between was fine, for the most part. He spent time away from his country for a bit, hanging out with Purpled instead, finding some solace in just leaning against the older teen as he talked about bedwars strategies. They both found some common ground with that game, claiming it to be the best one on Hypixel.

The election fucked everything up. Wilbur grew mad and that was the first time someone Tommy trusted hit him. He brushed it off, though, because Wilbur cared for him. He was fifteen at the time. The man had simply gotten mad because the teen had sent a letter off to Techno, asking for help. He should've told Wilbur before he sent it, but didn't. It was his fault, he reasoned.

The next time someone he trusted hurt him was after Techno executed Tubbo, permanently scarring the teen. The Pit was hell and Tommy was knocked out. He was told by Tubbo that he had to be dragged out by him. Tommy started flinching at both his older brothers after that.

Then they won… except Wilbur blew up L'Manberg after trying to make Tommy president. Later, the teen would realize that if he hadn't turned down the presidency and if Techno didn't attack, he would've been on that stage and Wilbur would've killed him. It didn't matter though, because Techno did attack, telling him to die like a hero while setting withers on his home.

When Ranboo joined, it was nice. The taller and older teen, which Tommy was very quick to point out that he hated, gifted him an allium. That was quickly hidden away into his enderchest and he started having a good time with Ranboo by his side… until the fire.

It was an accident and shouldn't have been blown out of proportion, but it was. His house was griefed often, on purpose, but no… and accident that they tried fix was the worst thing in the world apparently. They may call him selfish at times, but he was anything but when he refused to let Ranboo join him in taking the fall. He did it all… it was only him.

Touch became much worse in exile. He was hit, burned, and just overall hurt. His stuff was taken daily and he was threatened for not following the rules, but the rules seemed to change every day. He thought about how it would feel to jump off the path in the nether, but was told it wasn't his time to die.

At some point, Tommy's mind became muddled and there was a debilitating pain in his back that he couldn't figure out. Then he fell back during one of Dream's explosions and screamed out in agony when he landing on his back. He was so out of it, he could barely tell when Dream was yelling at him. Later, he would find out it was his wings coming in.

They became a tool against him. The man he thought was his friend would preen them, compliment them, then pluck out feathers when Tommy didn't respond in the correct way. His brain latched onto Dream as his flock, but he also knew that flock wasn't supposed to hurt his wings.

Eventually, he messed up. Logstedshire was blown up and Dream broke one of his wings. He built up a tower, high enough to reach the stars and was going to kill himself. His wings were still too new to even attempt flying, even if they were both functional. He landed in water though, and ended up at Technoblade's cabin.

His brother saw first hand how the teen flinched at sound and even more so with touch. But he still craved it at times. The blond wrapped his wing around his brother, but never actually touched him. He wanted so badly to be held, but all he could think about were the times Dream hurt him. Tommy realized then that his relationship with the sense had been forever altered.

When Phil came to live in the cabin, his eyes went wide and his birdbrain went wild. Tommy's father tried to reach out to the teen and help him preen, but the teen just avoided every attempt. He didn't want anyone touching his wings again, especially with one of them still wrapped up and healing.

Then Tommy betrayed Techno… but he didn't see it like that. In fact, his brother had offered up the teen like a pawn in a some stupid game for some favor. Maybe if they had talked about it after, it would've been fine, but they didn't and so Tommy thought he was just expendable to his brother. So, he sided with the place he sacrificed his life for twice before… the place he helped build… the place that made him a child soldier… his home.

He was sixteen when explosions rang out and his brother yelled at him that he was a person, but they were people too! The brother he used to climb atop and let him ride his shoulders, his father who let him touch the sky for the first time, and the man who let him crash into him and treated him like a brother… they all destroyed his home, creating a giant crater in the ground.

It didn't help that at the end of it all, Tommy got struck by lightning and now had a new type of scar to prove he had lived. His skinned burned for a bit after, nothing could be touching his chest as it just hurt. His teeth clenched tight as Tubbo placed soaked bandages on the new scars… both of their eyes avoided each other when the older teen noticed the countless others.

Then him and Tubbo traveled so far, only to lose and be nearly killed. Luckily, the others showed up and Dream was killed twice and then imprisoned. Afterwards, though, Tommy was doing better. He was able to get diamonds from Phil to pay Sam to make a hotel. He was doing healing.

Then… then he visited for the last time, closure… he was getting closure. Except Dream had other plans and he ended up getting trapped in that cell with his abuser. And then… then he annoyed Dream just a bit too much.

He was beaten to death on his seventeenth birthday. He was cried out for help while Dream held him down, ripping his wing out. He wanted Sam, Phil, Techno… anyone. The pain was so bad… and then his head got bashed into the floor and he lost a tooth at some point. Everything went dark and he was dead.

His time in limbo was a new torture. It was nothing but darkness and voices. He could hear his brother complaining and laughing at his misery. MD was maybe the best part of limbo, joking around as if trying to get the teen to forget where he was. The worst part… he couldn't feel anything. Emotionally, he was a mess. Physically? There was nothing there and it was as though he was suspended in air, except there weren't any air currents.

Being revived was worse. The teen gasped awake, struggling to fill his lungs with air that he hadn’t needed in that void. He clawed at his chest and neck as he gulped in air that he didn’t realize he needed. His skin felt like it was on fire and the little divots in the obsidian beneath him felt like thousands of knives. He couldn’t sit up, the pain was too great, just curling into a ball on the ground.

Then, finally, his vocal cords worked. A guttural scream erupted from his very soul. He felt a burning hand cover his mouth and try to silence him. He was in so much pain he couldn't fight back. Tommy wasn't having a fun time, trying to understand what was happening to him. Eventually, he just passed out due to the pain.

When he came to, Dream was glaring at him. Tommy moved ever so slightly and gasped in pain as his bloodied clothes shifted ever so slightly against his skin. The man yelled at him to be quiet and answer his questions, but how could he when the words sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

When Sam got him out, the warden tried to touch the teen's shoulders, but Tommy just started panicking and ran off into the rest of the server. Everyone looked at him like he was a ghost… maybe he was in his own right. He was feared pain… touch. He was scared of touch… the thing he used to crave as a kid.

Everyone wanted to see the kid who died and was brought back, though. So, he hid for awhile with Purpled. The older blond didn't ask many questions, just told him he was glad Tommy was back. He helped when time seemingly went too fast and hours passed in a blink. However, Tommy didn't want to be a burden… he was always a burden, everyone always told him as much.

He ended up wandering until he ended up in the tundra. It was snowing and he was lost in his head. The teen didn't hear someone calling out to him, didn't see the man before him. Then there was a hand on his shoulder and he was back in the room with Eret betraying them. He was back with Wilbur yelling and screaming. He was back in The Pit. He was back in exile and Dream blowing up his things. He was back at Doomsday, his home being destroyed. He was back in prison, his wing getting ripped out.

If he could actually see and hear what was happening around him, he would see Techno slowly backing away with wide, horrified eyes and then yelling over his shoulder for Phil. He would see his father rushing out, wondering what was going on and then freezing at the sight of his youngest who only had one wing. He would hear the man telling his eldest to grab a heavy blanket or something from inside and bring it back. He would see his father approaching with hands raised, but all he saw were Dream's fists about to attack.

He was drenched in darkness as a heavy piece of fabric was thrown over his head. He tried to fight whatever, but after a few minutes, he found himself being able to breathe and realize he was cold and it was dark and he wasn't there anymore. He felt a sense of safety for the first time in a long time.

A voice rang out, still too loud… he had found that he liked the silence more now, "Tommy, can I take that off now?" That was Phil… why was Phil here?

He didn't even get a chance to respond… maybe he did, time was still passing weirdly. The fabric was slowly tugged off, causing his breath to quicken once more. He heard the encouraging words, but they felt meaningless. Tommy blinked as the harsh light entered his vision once more. He then saw his father and brother, staring at him like they would a wounded dog.

A realization hit him, he was a wounded dog. He would never be the same kid they knew. He would be forever scarred and wounded and broken. It didn't matter how much time they spent on him now, he would never bite back again. He would never play in the yard with others. He would never ask for pets again. He was a wounded dog… and that was all he would ever be.