Chapter Text
Tim Dake was sad. Tim was so so sad. Tim lived in a cage. Everyone hated Tim. Like that show Everybody Hates Chris except it’s not because he’s black. It’s because he’s allergic to seafood like a stupid fucking pussy. Just eat it dumbass fuck you. Tim’s parents especially hated him. They were rich. They loved seafood. Their son being allergic ruined their social status. That was why they hated him.
But it wasn’t just them. Everyone hated him. That stupid, stupid allergenic freak. Dick hated him. The other one hated him. He was even hated by the Lord. Yeah, you know, from the BIBLE. Nobody likes Tim because he’s a stupid freak.
jack drake: ugh i hate your stupid shrimp allergy gay ass stupid
tim got shot last night on patrol. he could NOT do this right now.
tim started tearing up he knew he couldn’t say anything. he sat at the table and ate his breakfast
Little did stupid ugly Tim know
a certain animal had prepared his breakfast for him.
You know them
You love them.
Shrimp.
tim felt his throat closing up. uh oh.
it’s the shrimp pathogens.
he knew he couldn’t leave the table in the middle of the meal because that would mean cage time.
tim drake: *thinks so nobody can hear him* S-So you're telling me... a *gulp* s-shrimp fried this rice...?
tim kept eating
he finished his food and asked to be excused
jack drake: ok you stupid gay [REDACTED SLUR] boy but remember your cage time starts at 3 you have to be there for at least 2 hours
tim ignored him and hurried out the door (him ->)
he had to get to wayne manor FAST or he was going to die from shrimp. shrimp cancer.i
he banged on the door a bazillion times until alfred opened it upon
alfred: master tim what are you- good golly heavens your face is all red and puffy what happened i’m so glad i’m 🍵
tim tried to speak but it came out incoherently bc his tongue was the size of a small animal. maybe a hamster.
(zoom in to tim’s tongue)
Microscopic shrimp: Hehe…… take this loser *injects with shrimp*
(zoom out)
tim could feel his body get worse. he fucking dying.
alfred: oh knackered chuffed gutted mandem L’manburg oi bloke quid gobsmacked innit mate mug off ginger group grasp the nettle reem ace fancy chat up cock-up blimey rubbish sorted kip wonky nicked nutter bollocks chap shambles we need to get master tim inside asap
tim drake: *incoherent noises*
alfred picked up tim with his big strong british arms and hurried him to the bat cave. bruce was in there like idk solving a case or grieving or something
bruce: alfred what’s- TIM??
tim is about to stop breathing. bruce helped alrfred bring tim to the medbay and get his epi-pen set up. his parents didn’t let him have an epi-pen at home because they hated him and loved shrimp because they were normal and rich like elon musk (elon musk is NOT normal-only rich). they thought epi-pen was the devil.
they inject the epi-pen. tim knows that he just has to wait out the shrimp 🍤🍚🍤🍚
bruce takes a blood sample because he’s like paranoid. he sets it aside to run tests. he decides to call dick to update him on tim’s condition.
bruce: dick…tim got shrimped
dick: oh boy did a shrimp fry his rice 🍤🍚🍤🍚
bruce: i don’t know he almost died
dick: oh shit i’m coming over in 5 minutes
bruce: aren’t you in bludhaven (BLUD VS CRIP)
dick: no i’m actually across the street because most people who read fics don’t read comics so they don’t know what that is
This is when everyone reading realized the person writing this fic was a massive nerd. 🍤🍚 this is also when everyone reading realized the other person writing this fic only knows tim drake shrimp. Are you telling me a shrimp fried his rizz?
bruce: what
cock: don’t worry about it bye bruce be there in 2 minutes
bruce: what
after that confusing phone call, bruce started to run the tests on the blood samples. it only took about a minute for the results to come back.
bruce: oh my god…
alfred: what is it master bruce
bruce: they injected shrimp into him
tim drake was going to die from shrimp. they cant get the shrimp out of him.
dick drives into the bat cave on his motorcycle. he sees tim in the medbay like from among us and goes over to him.
dick: who could do this to him… he doesn’t even look like he likes shrimp…
dick started crying over tim’s unconscious body
if only there was someone who could unshrimp him.
Petiut
No no no its all wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its all wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
suddenly there was another sound. someone else was driving into the bat cave. nobody else should be here. AND nobody was in costume uh oh.
Everyone *gulped*
the mysterious figure stepped off his motorcycle. he was wearing a red helmet that covered his whole face.
dick: who the fuck are you
red hood: sorry i’m not supposed to exist yet but i heard tim had shrimp cancer or whatever but i can save him.
bruce/batman/hates bullys/crush: ?/eyes glow red when angry/like 50 sons/half demon/half wolf/half bat/son of satan : *growls* get out *eyes glow red*
red hood: way to treat your son that died like a year ago
Everyone *gasped*
bruce: …jason?
jason took off his helmet guys
jason: miss me? (laugh track plays) anyways who the fuck hurt tim
dick: we don’t know he just showed up shrimped
alfred: master tim seemed quite unwell when he came to our doorstep
Alfred is a fucking dumbass because he’s british or something because yeah no shit he was unwell you saw his hamster tongue fucking idiot
bruce: his blood is contaminated with shrimp…we don’t know how to reverse it
jason: it’s okay guys i know how to fix this
bruce: how?
jason: …i’ve had my own evil shrimp experiences…
everyone stood in shock. there’s no way. They thought the only way to cure shrimp cancer was chemotherapy.
jason: before i died…the joker tortured me right. he revealed that he’s a part of the evil shrimp schemes.
bruce could not believe what he was hearing. that stupid fucking clown. he murdered his son. and now he wants to take the other one. that’s fucking crazy. fuck this shrimp torture. bruce will never eat shrimp again. he will crush it with his fingers. He will stop every shrimp from frying rice ever again. Go to a hibachi restaurant: you will never see a shrimp employed there. He beat them all up superrr bad bc batman doesn’t kill them all. (batman is a pussy fuck him) And made them put in their 2 weeks notice.
jason: since i was going to die…he revealed the fastest way to reverse shrimp illness to me
dick: can you show us?
jason: i don’t know if i can spread this information around…it might get me in more trouble…could you guys leave the room while i cure tim of his shrimp
Man fuck you jason youre already dead is what everyone was thinking (LMAOOOOOOOOO)
they reluctantly agreed to leave. they didn’t have much time so this was their only option, even if their trust with jason was iffy right now because he just came back.
“now hold on tim, i’ll save you” jason said
Jason.
Tim was cured from shrimp. He woke up and saw his favorite robin standing above him. His least favorite robin was the one from teen titans go because that show sucked
Oh shit
“JASON? But you’re dead? How-“ Tim was in shock but not anaphylactic or whatever this time.
Jason: yeah. a lot has happened.
bruce and alfred and dick re-enter the batcave.
“Tim!” (m)Dick said as he ran to tim to hug him. He was basically crushing Tim in his grip.
Tim: dick, you’re crushing me ow
Dink: sorry Tim I was just worried
Bruce: Tim…what happened.
Tim didn’t want them to know about his parents, especially since he didn’t know that a shrimp fried his rice. A new fun fact about Tim: He now has PTSD. Post-Traumatic Shrimp Disorder.
“Ummm…the shrimp got me?” Tim lied.
Bruce just looked at him. He knew Tim was lying. Tim knew he knew he was lying. This was dumb.
Tim sighed. “My dad made me eat breakfast and I think there was shrimp.”
Bruce was so mad. Bruce thought about doing horrible things to the world but he didn’t because he is batman and batman is civil. “We will deal with this later.”
Tim suddenly remembered about his scheduled cage time. he needed to know what time it was or he will get shrimped again.
Tim: uhh what time is it?
Dick: oh it’s like 4:30
FOUR THIRTY??? oh now Tim was really gonna get it. he missed his cage time.
Tim burst into tears. He knew what was coming to him.
Jason: what the fuck.
Bruce: chum what’s wrong?
Tim: they’re gonna feed me more shrimp because i missed cage time!
everyone became more concerned. Everyone thought this sounded like some weird fanfiction shit
Jason: what the fuck. what the actual fuck.
Dick wrapped his arms around Tim. “Nobody’s going to let you get force fed shrimp, Tim. You don’t have to go back there.”
Tim was happy. Tim was so happy. Tim was happy for the first time in his entire life. Tim cried into Dick’s shoulder. Bruce and Jason made eye contact. Yeah they were going investigate.
Once Tim calmed down, they took him upstairs in the manor. Alfred baked shrimp free cookies for a movie night. Dick and Tim sat next to each other on the couch with blankets. Tim finally felt safe and wanted and shrimp free. Finally. Shrimp would never fry his rice again. Dick put on The Greatest Showman because he is a circus cpfreak or wsonefhing.
Jason and Bruce got geared up to investigate Drake manor. They were gonna get to the bottom of this shrimp.
Jason kicked the door down. Bruce glared at him.
“What? It’s not like they don’t already know that their kid ran away.” Jason said.
Bruce just grunted at him as they entered the house. Everything looked eerily normal. They went to the kitchen and there was not one trace of shrimp. Bedrooms, bathrooms, studies…but there was no shrimp.
“Okay what the hell. Why is there no shrimp here.” Jason said.
Bruce started walking down a hallway so Jason followed. They came to a door that looked older than the others. Bruce and Jason looked at each other for a moment, until the door frantically opened then closed. Jack Drake had come out.
“Oh! Uh Batman! …and company. You do not want to go in there trust me.” Jack said.
Bruce took Jack’s arms and slammed him against the door. “WHERE IS THE SHRIMP?” bruce yelled in his face.
Jack looked terrified. “No you don’t understand! Don’t go to the basement please! …everyone deserves shrimp…shrimp is amazing…”
“YOUR OWN SON HAS A SHRIMP ALLERGY WHY WOULD YOU FEED HIM SHRIMP?”
“IS IT MY FAULT THAT A SHRIMP FRIED HIS RICE???”
everyone was quiet after jack’s outburst. Jason stepped forward.
“What…do you mean by that…” Jason asked.
Jack slumped down in Bruce’s grip. “Just go look for yourself.”
Bruce dropped jack to the ground and slammed open the door. He raced down the stairs with Jason close behind. wow. what they saw was crazy.
There was a giant human sized shrimp in the center of the room. Standing next to it was the joker who was covered in shrimp. There were rows of chairs in front of them filled with cloaked figures. Everything reeked of shrimp. A flesh suit of Janet Drake was tossed in the corner.
what the fuck.
“Ah so that worthless husband of mine didn’t do what he was asked…hm.” the shrimp said.
“IS TIM PART FUCKING SHRIMP???” Jason exclaimed. no wonder that kid always looked like a sickly victorian child; he was allergic to himself.
the pieces clicked together. a shrimp had quite literally fried tim’s rice.
Jack slowly came down the stairs. “See I told you it was gonna be bad. That stupid ugly *slur* boy of mine couldn’t handle the shrimp. He deserved all of his cage time.”
“Such a shame too! I thought we’d be able to build up his tolerance. He would’ve made such a good henchman too. Maybe a kind of…Joker Jr. dare I say?” the joker laughed.
Bruce and Jason didn’t know what the fuck was happening, so they started blasting. Bruce immediately went to attack Janet Drake Shrimp, but all of the cloaked figures started defending her. A lot of them were weak and had no self defense skills, but some were stronger than others. Bruce was able to knock most of them out with one or two punches.
Jason ran to the other corner of the room where he saw a crowbar. He was getting his revenge against that insane shrimp bastard. Jason snuck up on the Joker from behind and started whacking him with the crowbar. The Joker was caught off guard and was hit like 6 times before he was able to dodge. Oh yeah.
Bruce had defeated almost all of the hooded figures except for one, but they were the most persistent.
“Hmph. I thought this Bat garçon would be stronger.” the figure said with a french accent. “I feel like I should reveal myself to see the shock on your face.”
The last hooded figure took off his hood. Oh my god. It was Napoleon. As in the ruler of France Napoleon. what the hell.
“How are you alive?” Bruce barked out.
“probably like some black magic or something i don’t know i’m french and ancient.”
“Stop squawking and stop Batman!” the shrimp ordered.
Napoleon dashed forward and started throwing punches. Man he really did punch like he was dead for 200 years. bruce easily dodged every attack. Napoleon was getting frustrated.
“ALL RIGHT I HAVE NO CHOICE!” napoleon yelled. he reached for something in his pocket and
oh no
napoleon dynamited everywhere
bruce dived away from napoleon and covered himself. shrimp was yelling frantically about someone protecting it. jack drake ran over and pushed shrimp to the ground. he shielded it with his own body. jason turned away from the explosion and also covered himself. he was not dying again bruh. the joker just like disappeared or something idk he does that.
the explosion was superrr loud
some of bruce’s armor was burnt through, and he had burns on his back. He slowly got up to assess the damage. Napoleon was gone. Not even a body left, only scorch marks. rex splode
Jack Drake was unconscious, or at least bruce hoped. Jason’s armor also got ruined, but his burns weren’t as bad as bruce’s were.
“that IMBECILE! GOD I HATE FRENCH PEOPLE THEY DON’T EVEN LOVE SHRIMP THAT MUCH!” the shrimp shouted. yeah, their work here was done.
“The police are on their way,” Bruce said. The shrimp cult was too damaged to fight back.
“This is all because of that DUMB TWINK BALL LICKER TIM DRAKE I HATE HIM!” shrimp collapsed to the ground with sobs. Damn.
“B, I think we should go now.” Jason said.
Bruce grunted and then they left Drake Manor. it was kinda sploded, but not too much.
When jason and bruce got back to wayne manor, they checked on tim and he was (surprisingly) asleep.
They decided to let tim sleep on the couch, and they would tell him about his parents later. Bruce also would need to run dna tests to figure out if tim was fr half shrimp and also allergic
Bruce and jason went down into the batcave to put away their gear and found dick
“How did it go with Tim’s parents/” dick asked.
Jason: his mom was secretly a giant shrimp wear a flesh suit.
Dick: what
“We’re going to have to run tests to see if tim is part shrimp. I don’t know how he’s going to react to the news about his parents. We can not let others know about this unless i give explicit permission.”
Jason & dink: ok
they get tim later and start doing things
tim: right what’s all this then
dick: we just need to run some tests to see if ur shrimp issues are fixed
tim: ok
tim sat in a chair kicking his little feetsies. he wa
alfred brought him some snacks and juice because they had to take blood. bc y’know. shrimp. they also like took his hair for a dna test i guess.
it took like 30 minutes for them to get tim’s stuff.
bruce: okay tim you are free to go if you wish. i need to run these samples
tim nodded then went to his room. he was tired. NO COFFEE!
Tim eventually fell asleep and he stayed asleep as the results came back in the batcave
Bruce stared at the results. Literally what the skibidi.
Tim was part shrimp.
He was allergic to shrimp and he was shrimp.
Janet Drake gave birth to a human looking kid even though she was shrimp.
What.
No wonder tim got sick so often; he was literally shrimp.
Bruce knew he couldn’t keep this from Tim. He started planning on how to break the news to him in the morning.
He sent Dick a quick text since he had also gone to bed and also Jason I dont know man
Bruce didn’t even know that his current Robin was part shrimp. Some detective he is.