Chapter Text
James’ third date with Regulus was fast approaching and the stress was eating him alive. It wasn’t a new phenomenon: James had almost thrown up in the moments just before asking Regulus out for the first time; had sweated and stuttered all through their first date; had nearly passed out cold after their first kiss, heart beating so hard he was certain it would give out.
Nothing shook his usually unwavering confidence quite like Regulus Black. It felt like the universe was playing a very cruel and unfortunate joke on him. At any other time, James was charming and fun and cool—even cooler than Sirius on a good day, as long as Sirius wasn’t wearing his leather jacket—and Regulus didn’t even get to see that.
It was a tragedy, truly, and one that could not go unremedied for long, or else Regulus would surely get frustrated and refuse to go on any more dates with him. Especially once he found out that James was a virgin, the kind who had never done anything more than a bit of kissing and unsatisfactory dry humping.
Regulus deserved better than that. He deserved the very best, in fact. The best boyfriend, the best kisses. The best sex.
So, James decided it was time to partake in his personal favourite activity: interrupting his best friends while they busy partaking in their personal favourite activity.
“Stop snogging and pay attention to me,” he said as he threw himself down on the sofa near the fire in the Gryffindor common room. “Boyfriend time is over, it’s best friend time now.”
Sirius and Remus did not seem to hear him. At least, that’s what James assumed, because what kind of friends would they be to deliberately ignore his obvious cry of distress?
He glanced over at Peter, who was working diligently on his Charms homework nearby, apparently unfazed by the borderline pornographic show being put on by the two lovebirds draped all over each other in the armchair next to him. “Are you just… watching them?” James raised an eyebrow. “Isn’t that, I dunno, kinda weird?”
Peter looked up, nose wrinkled in disgust at the accusation. “I’m not watching them!” he spluttered. “I was here first! And they’re always like this. They’re impossible to be around these days.”
“Touché.” James slapped the arm of the chair in which his friends were kissing like one of them was about to ship off to war the next morning. “Pads, focus up. I need your advice.”
Sirius un-suctioned himself from Remus’ mouth with an unpleasantly wet noise.
“Now?” he said, sparing James a glance over his shoulder. “I’m rather busy.”
“Yes, now. I have a date with Regulus tonight.”
Sirius was still somewhat distracted by Remus as he asked, “You want my advice about Regulus?”
“No, I want your advice about sex.”
Sirius lost his balance on Remus’ lap, tumbling sideways and landing in an inelegant heap on the rug. He didn’t seem to care; he was too busy staring at James in a wide-eyed, open-mouthed expression of mingled shock and disgust. “Are you seriously asking me for advice on how to fuck my brother?”
James frowned. “Well, when you put it like that—”
“How else am I supposed to put it?!”
“C’mon, Pads, you’re the most experienced person I know. I’ve walked in on you two so many times doing all sorts of horribly indecent things.”
“Yeah, about that,” Remus interjected, much less flustered than Sirius was. “Do you not think, perhaps, it’s been too many times? I feel like it’s not even our fault at this point.”
James ignored this very irrelevant digression, staring plaintively at Sirius. “Who else am I even supposed to ask?”
Remus opened his mouth.
“No,” Sirius cut him off with a slap to his shin before he could even get a word out. “Absolutely not. You can’t tell him anything. I don’t even want to think about Regulus doing anything you’ve ever done with me.”
“Mate, please,” James whined. “Help me.”
“Nope,” Sirius said with a firm shake of his head. “Sorry Prongs, I can’t do this. It’s my little brother. Ask someone else.”
“Like who?” James gestured wildly. “Peter?”
Peter looked affronted at this, but didn’t seem to have a good rebuttal.
“What about Lily?” Remus suggested.
“Lily doesn’t sleep with men! What use is that?” James groaned, a feeling of defeat fast creeping up on him.
“Hm, tough luck,” Sirius said, not sounding sorry at all as he pushed himself back up from the floor, brushing off his trousers and tucking several wayward strands of hair behind his ears before resuming his position on Remus’ lap, legs thrown over his thighs and hands looped around his neck. “Guess you should both just stay virgins forever then.” He didn’t seem displeased by the idea.
James didn’t care to defend himself, not having much of a leg to stand on here, but he felt compelled to speak up on his boyfriend’s behalf. “Regulus isn’t—”
Sirius flung out his palm in a halting gesture, not even looking at James. “I don’t want to hear it,” he said, lips already semi-occupied once more with the business of Remus’ face. “Let’s not speak of it again.”
James huffed an exasperated sigh. “You guys are the worst.” He shoved himself up from the sofa, glaring at the lot of them, even though Peter was the only one paying attention at this point, and he arguably wasn’t even at fault. “I love you and I’d die for you, but also I hate you and you are no help.”
“Good luck, Prongs!” Remus’ muffled voice called out to him as he headed out of the common room. But James didn’t need luck right now; what he needed was information.
Time for plan B.
~
Plan B, in this case, stood for Barty Crouch Jr., also known as Regulus’ ex-boyfriend and current best friend.
James wasn’t in the habit of speaking to Barty, mostly because every single thing Barty did irritated him to no end. Even looking at his face was annoying. Jealousy, Remus would call it. But why would James be jealous? Regulus was dating him now, not Barty. It shouldn’t matter that Barty had kissed Regulus before, had seen him naked, had probably done all the things with him that James had so far only dreamed about.
No reason to be jealous at all.
“You want to know what?” Barty asked, baffled, when James finally managed to corner him in the dungeons after class.
“What Regulus likes. You know, er, romantically.” James glanced around, double-checking that they were alone, and then lowering his voice all the same as he clarified, “Sexually.”
Barty’s angular eyebrows, already climbing towards his hairline, reached new heights. “Oh, so you want to know his kinks?”
“No. Yes. I mean…” James furrowed his brow. “I don’t know, maybe?” he finally settled on. “But not just that.”
Barty considered him for a moment, perhaps weighing whether he should expose his friend’s secrets. James shifted under his gaze, uncomfortable. Barty’s eyes were always tinged with a strange glint of maniacal light, unpredictable in the way of a knife balanced on one finger.
Upon reaching whatever conclusion he needed to in his assessment of James, Barty said, “Well, Reg’s a switch, but he tends to be pretty bossy.” He snorted at the memory of something that James would rather not think too hard about. “Fussy little prick, loves to be in control.”
James blinked.
“And the times we had penetrative sex, he always bottomed,” Barty continued, entirely unabashed to be having this conversation in the middle of the hallway outside the potions classroom. “But I don’t know if that’s his fixed preference.”
James blinked again, twice in quick succession. He opened his mouth, then closed it, fishlike and dumb.
“Hello?” Barty waved a hand in front of his face. “Are you listening right now? C’mon, you can’t ask me this shit and then immediately space out. Do you want to know or not?”
“I—” James swallowed. “Yeah, I want to know. It’s just, um…”
“It’s just what?” Barty asked, blunt as ever. “I think he’d be willing to top, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“That’s…” James said weakly. “That’s not it.”
“So, what is it?” Barty narrowed his eyes, and James didn’t like how dissected he suddenly felt. His mum had always said he wore his heart on his sleeve; Remus preferred to describe him as a picture book, easy for anyone to read. James had never wished so strongly to be just a bit more mysterious. “Fucking hell, you have no idea, do you?”
James frowned, gripping the strap of his bookbag tighter. “No idea about what?”
“You’re a virgin, aren’t you?”
James looked away, but didn’t deny it. Lying was pointless. Barty would see right through him, just as he already had.
Barty looked entirely too amused with this whole situation. “You’re 18 years old, Potter,” he said, gleeful. “And you’ve never—?”
“No,” James snapped, aggravated now. “I haven’t. There a problem with that?”
“Not at all,” Barty answered with an infuriating smirk. “I think it’s sweet. Adorable, really. But Reg—” Barty laughed, too loud. The sound ricocheted off the walls, encircling James with its sharp, mocking tone. “Oh, he’s going to eat you alive.”
That cackle rang in his ears long after Barty had left. He’d had high hopes for this plan, but in the end, James only felt more out of his depth.
~
Regulus,
Any chance we can postpone our date to next weekend? McGonagall gave me detention again and she’s got me sorting mice and hamsters for the fourth years for the next two nights.
Sorry.
xoxo
James
~
Dear James,
Why am I not surprised? Two whole weeks without detention must be a new record for you.
But yes, that’s alright, we can do next weekend instead. Enjoy your quality time with the rodents. I suppose I’ll spend some quality time with Barty—for some reason, he’s been bothering me all day about not talking to him enough. As if we don’t live in the same dormitory.
Maybe I can join you for lunch tomorrow? I haven’t seen you much the last couple of days. I miss you.
Best,
R.A.B.