Chapter Text
How did life go downhill so fast?
That was one question that Jungkook pondered with irritation when he arrived back at the Paradise to an empty suite. He was yet to decide whether it was a good thing or not because he fully expected his husband to be there but after the phone call, he was sure they would argue so perhaps that was why Tae wasn’t there?
Jungkook didn’t know where Tae was… maybe he’s gone to have drinks with Seongkwan? If his suitcase wasn’t sitting in the space in the unit against the wall, he might’ve thought that the CEO had flown home.
Fuck this!
Was his thought when he fired off a quick text to his brothers and pressed call on his husband’s contact profile on his phone.
BROS CHAT
I’m back at the Paradise.
When the call went to voicemail it annoyed him further and irrational stupid thoughts of his husband sitting with his friend having a nice time crept into his mind. He tried not to give the thoughts any traction but on the fourth attempt, he didn’t know whether to be angry or concerned?
He wished he had his blanket. He wanted to wrap it around himself and shut out the world because he’d been doing well before all of this. He had finally accepted that he owned Gravity and had the people around him to advise him with the two sites he now managed. Gravity 2 was under construction and ticking along nicely and Gravity 1 at Safe Haven was currently being looked after by Haoyu .
Yes, life was busy… yes, he hadn’t had as much quality time with his husband but they had a short break coming up and they would be staying on Euphoria the night of Kyong’s wedding so they had plans…everything was good.
And now he was pacing a hotel suite after leaving the hospital in an angry state, only to then receive a million missed calls from his husband and taking his annoyance out on him because a bath wouldn't solve everything… it wouldn't… but it would help them touch base… yet he'd sounded off and caused more hurt and now he was irritated with himself… so where was his husband?
“Tae… where are you?”
As soon as the call was answered, he blurted it out.
“Kookie… I’m at the beach.”
“What? Why? Why aren’t you here? You hate the cold… are you on your own?”
“Yes, of course I’m alone.”
“But you hate the cold… or are you avoiding me? Is that what it is? Is this pay back? Let me come back to an empty room and worry about where you are?”
A heavy sigh is audible through the phone, “I left a note on the bed.”
Jungkook walks over to the bed and picks up his jacket… where he sees the note.
“Are you coming back?”
“I will… soon…”
Jungkook ends the call then launches his phone onto the bed, “AARRGGHH!!!!!!!!” he screams into the air of the suite. Why did everything fall apart so dramatically and why couldn’t he just think before he reacts?
Why does he feel so irascible and continue to exasperate a situation, causing further animosity with the man he couldn’t admit that he needed more than ever?
Busan wasn’t his home anymore… it felt like a foreign place and the one person that was familiar and safe wasn’t here. Jungkook was annoyed that his husband, his safe place had rejected him earlier and put a wedge between them. He was angry with himself because he’d so naturally trusted his husband and it didn’t once occur to him when he was speaking to his brothers about the plane, that he’d be made to feel stupid for asking.
How to navigate it all?
This was ridiculous! He wasn’t going to stand around and wait for his husband to return so he doesn’t give it anymore thought when he leaves the room to go in search of Taehyung.
***
When Tae receives the second text message from the staff member at the Paradise, he doesn’t know whether he is surprised or not that his husband has left the hotel. Nausea bubbles in his stomach and bile threatens to rise as he considers the idea that perhaps Jungkook has packed up and left Busan? The thought brings internal panic that creates the build-up of tears in his eyes and he genuinely does not know what to do?
The temptation to call his contact to find out whether his husband had arranged a flight was great but he refrains because there’s a part of him that would rather not know. It feels like checking up on him but he also needs to know? Deep down he doesn’t truly believe that Jungkook would be running FROM him… He would be running from whatever happened at the hospital to make him walk out but Tae would feel like it was personal to a point because he would be the one left behind.
Would his husband really leave him behind?
Jungkook might be hot headed and reactive but he'd never actually gone far… from Taehyung. Of course he'd left Busan to escape his family all those years ago but that was different and the CEO had to try and find some perspective… that was his mother's advice… look at what he knows about his husband… how he has reacted in the time that they have been together… and Jungkook hadn't strayed far.
It’s late… Tae feels totally lost… isolated and left with his own thoughts and fears. The fear that his husband would leave him sits in the background as he tries to think about how he could fix this? His mother was gracious earlier, giving advice and sharing her thoughts on different perspectives from all sides. But none of that helped now. Now he was caught between irrational and rational… what he knew and what he feared… and he honestly didn't know what to do.
It begins to rain lightly and in the darkness, Tae can’t be sure whether it is rain or snow? He just knows that he’s getting wet and he hates being wet.
Is this what happens in normal relationships? Is this normal? Because it feels like the end of the world to him. He can’t bear distance between them and he yearns for the man who is going through so much, to once again let him in… even though Tae can admit responsibility for being a part of the reason his husband has retreated to his fort.
What a mess!
Taehyung was giving up hope that the sea would provide comfort, his mind battling with itself when he hears Jungkook’s voice behind him, “Tae!”
The CEO turns around and he can see white puffs of air as his husband’s breath meets the coldness. He smiles because the sight of his husband always makes him smile, his lips curve upwards slightly. It’s not a big, beaming smile but a small reaction from the depths of his soul where the love he has for this man pumps through his veins.
“Did you find the note?” He is surprised that Jungkook was here. He hadn’t expected him to come looking for him.
“Yeah… sorry… I put my jacket on the bed and covered it. Why are you here?” Jungkook stands in front of the CEO, hands in the pockets of his jeans, the drizzly rain seeping through his long sleeved top and he's already starting to shiver a little.
“I wanted to give you space.” the urge to reach out was great but the dancer's stance didn't appear welcoming so he kept his hands in his coat pockets.
Jungkook had already travelled through a range of emotions in the hotel suite. He was raging unnecessarily, going from thinking his husband was a hypocrite and hadn't told him he wouldn't be there, only to find out that he'd been thoughtful and left a note. He'd imagined stupid scenarios about Tae having fun with Seongkwan while he was visiting his dying stepfather but that wasn't true either and he was thankful that the thought hadn't transpired into anything more than a reckless, irrational, fleeting thought.
He was spiralling… and there was too much to sort out… it was all a lot.
“You're who I chose…” Jungkook says in the smallest of voices. He feels knots in his stomach put there by every conversation he'd encountered since he walked into the CEO's office at Purple Aura to ask for his help. So much had happened since then and there were many mountains to climb. He needed Tae when he got back to the Paradise and it hurts that he wasn't there. It's freezing and the wind bites at his wet face like lashings from a whip, “... WHY WEREN’T YOU THERE? YOU GO ON ABOUT ME LEAVING YOU AND THEN YOU LEAVE ME!” He shouts.
Taehyung’s heart breaks, “I thought… I thought you needed space.”
“What I need is a husband who backs me… I need a family that doesn’t cause me so much fucking grief!” Jungkook’s face is so cold and wet that he doesn’t even register the tears streaming down his cheeks. “I need to know how to deal with all of this shit!”
“I do back you… I was going to run a bath but you said that wouldn’t fix everything so I thought that I would give you space.” Tae should have listened to his mother. She told him to just be present for Jungkook and listen to him and what he needed. Tae was caught up in how to rectify his own mistakes, retreating into himself and as a consequence, he wasn’t being there for his husband at all. Ara asked her son what it was that he needed? It was a question that the CEO didn’t ponder for long because what he required was to be on good terms with the love of his life and in an ideal world, he would be able to go back in time and undo what he did in his office at Purple Aura.
Tae was reminded by his mother that he shouldn’t be too hard on himself as he was learning. It wasn’t like he had a wealth of relationship experience and the past he did have was quite simple. If he had problems with his hired dates, he wouldn’t see them again. Most of the other relationships were more like situationships according to Heeju and she was probably right. Those dating scenarios fizzled out or they were broken off easily or they were purely for the mutual benefit of sexual gratification. There wasn’t anything to argue about and if someone did or said something the CEO didn’t like… he just didn’t see them again and he wouldn’t lose sleep over it.
He wanted to be in control of his emotions and to know how to mend what was broken? It was difficult to know what to do when he couldn’t make sense of his own feelings and the one overriding emotion was fear, which was the driving force for most of his reactions. Ara suggested that his fear was rooted in his desire to succeed in everything he did but he couldn’t think of his marriage in the same way as he thought about his business transactions. Of course he wanted to succeed and have a long marriage… he just had no idea how to make that work and there wasn’t any training courses to help him.
“I said I didn’t want a bath! I didn’t say I wanted to get back to an empty hotel room…”
“You were angry…”
Jungkook’s hands fly up in the air, “Yes, I was angry! I had just walked out of the hospital room where my stepfather is dying! He looks fucking awful! I don’t know if I’ll get the answers I need but I don’t even know what I fucking need!” he laughs… it’s the sound of demented irony as he tries to run his fingers through his soaking hair. He was back on the cycle of what to do with his hair? That in itself was a laughable situation as he ended up there every few months.
“I don’t want you to be angry.”
“And I don’t want a husband who makes me feel like shit.”
“I don’t want to be that husband!!” Tae snaps, he had been slowly losing control of himself which always goes to pot as soon as he feels out of his depth and like the situation was beyond his control. Unfortunately this was familiar territory because he couldn’t control his husband, neither did he want to… but he would at the very least, like to be able to have some form of hold on himself in order to navigate the situations and steer them in the direction of resolution. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Jungkook!”
“What do you mean? You know that the way to piss me off is to tell me what to do… but you did it anyway!”
“I told you that I panicked… I’m sorry.”
Jungkook takes a deep breath, “I know… I’m sorry for bringing it up… I won’t do that again… it’s just… all of this that is happening with Ryan is such a mess and I need you… yes, that’s selfish but I need my husband with me and there’s this bad stuff between us and I don’t know how to fix it! I don’t know how to reassure you so that you don’t panic and do stupid stuff, Tae!”
“I want to be here for you… you can’t reassure me… it’s not in your control.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“I don’t even know how to cope with my own thoughts and feelings, let alone be able to advise you. This feels like when I first started Purple Aura and walked into meetings… it was the unknown and I didn’t know how to handle it.”
“Our marriage is a business?” He doesn’t want to have this conversation. ”I’m not doing this.”
“That’s not what I meant!” Tae raised his voice as his husband turned to walk away, “I have zero experience, Jungkook! I don’t know how to love you and protect you in a way that doesn’t cause trouble. I gave you space because you used to wrap yourself in the blanket and I wanted you to have the time to yourself!!”
It’s so easy for Jungkook to forget that this man was so new to being in love. He’d been told many times by the Kims that they’d never seen Taehyung so emotional and loved up. He’d heard all about his loveless past and this was information he knew but it was easily forgotten when faced with such a strong, dominant, self assured man. His husband was confident, knowledgeable, astute… and then there was this incredibly vulnerable version who had never been in love and was inexperienced and emotionally immature.
The dancer wished that Taehyung’s need to control himself didn’t result in one of a few things that trigger him. It was easy for Kyong to see as he was looking from the outside in but Jungkook didn’t have that advantage. He knew that he’d put his walls up again. There wasn’t anything he could do about it. The second he was rejected and felt utterly blindsided by the man that he loved, it was automatic and subconscious. Jungkook was hurt, backed into a corner and been made to feel insignificant.
The consequence of that was that he would need to work through it and jump over his own hurdles to open himself up again. It wasn’t going to be easy and it would have been a task without everything he had going on with Ryan but once again, the couple didn’t have the luxury of quality time together. He hoped that they would be able to go to South Africa but that was very much up in the air.
Jungkook’s chest feels heavy, like he was bench pressing weights too heavy to lift. It was dark, wet and freezing cold and he was sure he had the onset of hypothermia at this point. He stared at the CEO who was visibly shivering now and Jungkook couldn’t be sure whether tears had mingled with the rain on Tae’s face, as they had his own?
“I ran from the hospital and I was coming to you, Tae…”
“I’m sorry that I wasn’t there…” he didn’t really know exactly what happened at the hospital. The phone call between them was a blur and Jungkook hadn’t made much sense and if Taehyung was honest, he’d been emotionally shut down by the bath comment and switched off after that.
“Tae… you’re cold… you hate being cold… and wet… let’s go back to the room.” Jungkook holds out his hand and almost closes his eyes, hoping that his husband will accept the peace offering.
The CEO steps forwards the several unstable paces to get to his man and takes his hand. “We could have a shower? To warm up.”
“We could have a bath if you would rather do that?” The wind whips his hair into his face and he wished he’d tied it back earlier. This was one of the occasions where he wants to cut his hair and not have the hassle… but he knows that he will see the way that his husband looks at him when he runs his fingers through it or when he’s itching to remove the elastic band during sex or when he catches Tae watching him in the mirror as he combs it back… and then he’s glad it’s the length that it is.
Not that he only keeps his hair long for his husband but no-one has ever looked at him so hungrily as Tae does and it is less maintenance aside from getting an undercut shaved in every few weeks.
“We can do that.” Tae didn’t want to suggest a bath again so he’s happy that the suggestion came from Jungkook.
“How about, I run the bath and you can order some room service? I haven’t eaten.”
“You haven’t?”
“No. We were going to get food afterwards but I left.”
“Do you want to talk about it? Or we could put everything aside while we have a bath and I could wash you… I bought the body wash you like.” Tae already felt a sense of calm through their linked hands. He knew they had a lot of talking to do but this trip needed to be about Jungkook and he would try to make sure that was his focus and it would be impossible to protect him if he was so emotional.
“I think I probably should tell you what happened at the hospital… but I’ll wash you… you’re the one who is shivering.”
“Jungkook… please… let me take care of you… even if that means washing your back and ordering room service… please let me do that for you.” Tae didn’t know how to get Jungkook to open up and let him in again but Ara said something earlier about actions and showing him that he was there to support him with actions if he couldn’t trust himself not to mess things up… which Tae still wasn’t sure whether he should have laughed at his mother’s words or been offended.
“But…”
The CEO stops walking as they step onto the concrete pavement from the sand and their wet hands slip apart as Jungkook keeps walking before realising that his husband had stopped. “No…” his teeth chatter as he gets out what he has to say, “... but nothing. You always take care of me and I’m not saying that you can be little spoon… I just want you to let me wash you and order you food.”
Jungkook steps backwards so he can grab hold of Tae’s hand again, “Okay… can we go in now?”
Tae nods his head and starts to walk again, letting out a sigh of relief when they walk into the lobby and the heating hits them. This felt good… getting his husband to agree something so basic felt like a big win and it was a start.
***
“Kook is with Taehyung.” Kyong relays to Han-Shik after seeing the text.
“I thought he'd come back to the hospital. I can't believe he left.”
Kyong rolls his eyes for what must be the hundredth time since arriving at the hospital. “Kook wasn't going to explode like he did then come back.”
Han-Shik picks up some cucumber kimchi with his chopsticks and pops it on a slither of beef. “He could've at least come for food with us.”
“What did you think he was going to do? Storm out then wait at the exit for us? Stop being so judgemental. You are in no position to judge Kook. You are just as bad.”
“Fuck off, Kyong. You take the high road and think you're better than us but you're not. You ran away, too, so maybe it is you who is more like Kook.”
“I moved my family to protect them. It should tell you everything you need to know when your two brothers move across the country to get away.”
The brothers had left Ryan to sleep and decided to go for food as they'd planned because Kyong hadn't eaten and was starving. He'd sent Jara a message with a brief explanation and arranged to call her in the morning so he could speak to Ki-Joon and update her.
Han-Shik was due to call Emi when he got back to the hospital. He had planned to go home tonight but thought it would be better to return to the hospital and talk to his Stepfather after what felt like the disastrous meeting earlier. He couldn't give thought to the disappointment evident in his wife's voice when he made a quick call to her as they made their way to the restaurant. He was being spread too thinly and he didn't need to think deeply about how he was letting down the one person in the world who wanted to spend time with him.
“So… what next? Will you see Kook later?”
“It's already stupidly late. I'm going to leave him be tonight. I think he probably needs to cool off. He also needs time with Taehyung.”
“Why? Married life not all it's cracked up to be?”
Kyong wasn't about to divulge information when he still couldn't be sure that he could trust his brother. If Jungkook wanted Han-Shik to know about his life, he'd tell him himself. “They haven't spent a lot of time together since the honeymoon. They are supposed to be going to South Africa next week, I think? But now they're here.”
“Do you think he'll go back to Seoul now?”
Kyong shakes his head. “Knowing Kook, he'll calm down, do some thinking then go back to the hospital. Whether he admits it or not, he needs closure. He was too young and immature when he left and since then, Eomma has really stoked the fire. I think that the missing years make a difference.”
“The six years he was gone saved him the shit we had to put up with. I don't get what he needs closure for? He left and whatever happened in that time isn't his business.”
Kyong doesn’t recall a time when he had a conversation with his brother that didn't result in a rolling of his eyes. Han-Shik always used to get under his skin but he was practically hypodermic at this point. “It's all Kook's business. Just because he left, doesn't mean he's excluded especially when his name was dragged as low as it was.”
“And what eomma lied about isn't our fault. I won't feel bad for the situation that was out of my control…” Han-Shik shuffles in his seat as he reaches for the bottle of soju, “... If Kook had stayed, who knows what would've happened?”
“We need to move on from this conversation. You can't hold Kook responsible for what happened when he left.”
“I'm not blaming him. I think we all know that eomma has made a lifetime of deceit… who knows how far back it goes? But she could only create the lies about Kook because he wasn't there. You can't deny that.”
“That's stupidity, Han-Shik. Thoughts like that are a waste of time. Like I said, we need to move on. I've worked hard to have the relationship I have with our little brother and I'm not going to analyse the past anymore. Eomma and Appa do not deserve my time so I'm not giving it to them. I'm here to clear the air with Ryan and have the conversation with him that I should've had before I left… which I would have done if I'd known that he was well informed that our mother was a liar.”
“Yeah… none of us knew that. Ryan is a better actor than she is. I don't know how he's put up with it for as long as he has.”
“You aren't doing a bad job of it yourself.”
Han-Shik surprises his brother and laughs out loud. It's a sound that is inconsistent with the surroundings and atmosphere. “Thanks.”
The soju probably aided his reaction but he didn't care. He suspected that both of his brothers had opinions on the fact that he stayed in Busan and could spend time with their mother… but they didn't know the effort it took to maintain the charade. They didn't know what he went through or the demons he battled. He wasn't stupid, he realised that it was his choice to stay, it had been pointed out to him often enough.
But his brothers couldn't pick and choose. They couldn't condemn him for staying but ask for his help to be a glorified spy.
They couldn't have it all.
***
The hotel suite was toasty warm, the yellowy glow came from the two small lights on either side of the large bed. Not many words had been exchanged since they got back. Jungkook had run the bath with bubbles while Taehyung had ordered room service.
The dancer relinquished his usual position in the bath and allowed his husband to sit behind him and wash him like he wanted to. It was one of those rare occurrences in their relationship, a break from their usual stance and Jungkook knew that this was Tae’s way to feel useful and in a situation that didn’t really involve him… this was his way of supporting his husband and trying to make amends for the way he’d acted.
Jungkook also knew that knowing his husband, it wouldn’t be long before he was the one who wanted to be taken care of and he would soon resume his normal position within their relationship. Once he’d sank down into the water and felt his man’s hands on his back and shoulders, he realised how exhausted he was and there was a small part of him that was happy to sit in silence and hand the reins to his husband.
Tae listened as Jungkook told him what happened at the hospital and then they’d eaten and his eyes were starting to burn. Both wearing clean underwear, their skin fragranced with the sweat pea and rose bubble bath scent, they’d climbed under the covers and finally relaxed in each other’s arms.
“Are you going to go back to the hospital today?” Tae asks. If he wasn’t so exhausted, he would probably want to encourage the tingling in his genitals as he enjoyed the gentle, light touches of his husband’s fingertips on his back.
“Yeah. I’ll speak to Kyong when he’s awake. I don’t know if he went for food with Han-Shik or not. If he did, I’m sure he’ll have things to tell me.”
“I was thinking that we should concentrate on Ryan while we are here and we can talk about the house and how I can make things up to you when we get back?”
Jungkook takes a hefty breath and kisses Tae’s head, pulling him closer to him. This man was his whole world, he hadn’t forgotten that but he had lost sight of it and he knew they had a lot to work through. The important thing was that their foundation was strong and given the situation with Ryan, the provocation that comes from his brother and the possible fireworks that could be lit if his mother was to turn up… they needed to be a united front and the last thing he needed was to be arguing with the only person that was one hundred percent in his corner.
“I agree. Let’s park it for now.”
“Let me be there for you, Kookie… while we are here.”
“I want you with me, Tae. If you think I need space… ask me… I need you more than I need time on my own.”
Jungkook knows that neither of them wants the situation to come between them. He knows that they both have a lot to learn about themselves, each other and their relationship but he needs to remember just how vulnerable his husband can be.
Jungkook could do without having the deep discussions with Taehyung right now because he’s got a lot to process and he has to somehow work out how he’s going to overcome the hurt he feels. Trust is difficult to gain but so easy to lose and he thinks that when they get back to Seoul, he needs to speak to Marie to get her take on it. The diner owner would be the best person to speak to. She knew how difficult Jungkook could be and knew what it took to get around him enough to ground him and get through to him. She also saw things from an outside point of view, using her own relationship to advise others. Marie was nurturing, caring and wise and she would be less inclined to call him a dick, like he is sure that Ash would.
“Have you got work to do from here? I think it would be better if I went to the hospital with Kyong and Han-Shik again but I’d really like us to go to dinner afterwards or something? Maybe I could take you to a place I used to go to?”
Jungkook waits… silence…
“Tae?”
The silence tells him that his husband has given in and fallen asleep, which was fair enough because it was ridiculous ‘o’ clock and they’d been awake for too many hours by now and far too much had happened in the course of the day. It was definitely high up on the list of the most draining days in their relationship and he very much liked the agreement to shelve their personal situation until they got back to Seoul.
Jungkook didn’t know whether they would be able to go to South Africa. Today’s hospital visit hadn’t gone as planned and so he had to presume that nothing would go as expected. With every day that passed in Busan, they were a day closer to postponing their second honeymoon and that was a discussion they would have to have.
For now… he needed to sleep and he was already dreading that cockerel waking him because he was sure that his husband had the alarm set for a stupid time… which was probably just a few hours away.