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The Batcave was usually a place of grim determination and tactical analysis. Today, however, it had transformed into an interrogation room, and Tim Drake was the prime suspect.
Tim and Conner Kent were sitting on the edge of the central autopsy table—mostly because all the chairs were taken—reviewing a mutual patrol log on a tablet.
"Oh yeah, no, I like that one," Kon said, tapping the screen and flashing a grin. "That was a good one."
Tim looked up, his face brightening cheerily. "You actually think so?"
"Oh, you know I always think so," Kon replied smoothly.
From across the cave, Dick Grayson leaned against the Batcomputer console, narrowing his eyes. He exchanged a look with Jason Todd, who was polishing a crowbar, and Duke Thomas, who was scrolling through his phone.
"Hey, you know something?" Dick called out, crossing his arms.
Jason didn't even look up. "Here we go."
"I haven't seen one of you without the other in like, what, two weeks?" Dick asked, gesturing between the two heroes.
Tim rolled his eyes. "Yeah. We patrol together."
"Every day?" Jason chimed in, suddenly very interested.
"Yeah," Tim said, getting defensive. "We train together too."
Duke held up two fingers in a peace sign without breaking his gaze. "That would be twice a week."
Tim’s expression soured. "Okay. Alright."
"Keep going, this is fun," Jason smirked, pointing the crowbar at them. "Do you guys have any other friends outside of each other?"
"Yes, we have..." Tim hesitated, his brain stalling out. "...Bart."
Dick blinked. "Bart from The Simpsons?"
"No, Impulse!" Tim snapped.
Kon nodded in agreement. "You know, like, the annoying Flash."
"Oh, I hate that kid," Jason muttered.
Duke lowered his phone, looking dead into Tim’s soul. "Sorry, when was the last time Bart was with you guys?"
Tim opened his mouth, but nothing came out. "Um..."
"Well," Kon said thoughtfully, "that would be 1998."
Jason grinned like a shark. "Right. And what year is it?"
Kon winced slightly, looking at Tim. "I see the concern."
"No, I'm actually kind of curious now," Dick said, stepping closer.
Tim rubbed his temples. "You three need hobbies."
"This is my hobby," Jason countered instantly.
Duke stepped forward to deliver the next blow. "Okay, easy one. Who usually asks who to hang out?"
"Well, that one depends—" Tim started.
"It's usually me," Kon interrupted.
Tim let out a massive sigh and dropped his head into his hand.
"Why?" Jason asked, leaning in.
"Because Tim's embarrassed to," Kon explained matter-of-factly, entirely oblivious to Tim’s internal screaming. "He thinks you guys are gonna make fun of him."
"Ah!" Dick yelled, pointing a finger in the air. "Point is proven!"
"He’ll type out a text, delete it," Kon continued, mimicking a phone typing motion. "Text another one, delete it, and then he throws his phone on the bed, and then we don't talk for like three hours."
Tim peeked through his fingers, his face burning. "Stop exposing me."
"Tim, you gotta do better than that," Jason scoffed.
"Dude!" Tim glared at his best friend/partner-in-denial.
Kon shrugged. "Well, you told me to be honest with them."
"Yeah, but not in this way!"
"Okayyy," Jason interrupted, riding the momentum. "Who leaves first after hanging out?"
"Again, it depends—"
"That's also usually me," Kon said.
Dick shook his head, looking utterly disappointed. "Jeez, Tim, step it up."
"No, I have to leave first cause Tim's usually going, 'Please don't leave me,'" Kon explained, mimicking a whiny, high-pitched voice.
Dick’s jaw dropped, his expression shifting to genuine worry. "Oh!"
"No!" Tim jumped up, waving his hands violently. "That's not what he—"
"Brother," Jason interrupted, shaking his head.
Duke winced. "That's rough, man."
"No! Because we're usually still working!" Tim shouted, his voice cracking slightly with defensiveness.
Jason gave a slow, completely unconvinced nod. "Uh-huh."
"Sure, buddy," Dick added in the exact same tone.
Duke turned his attention fully to the clone.
"Kon, question for you."
"Yeah, go ahead."
"Ever seen Tim's room?"
Tim froze. "DUDE."
"A lot?" Jason added, a massive smirk spreading across his face
."Oh, I mean, pretty much every time I'm here," Kon said cheerfully.
Tim slowly turned his head toward Kon. The pure, unadulterated annoyance radiating from his face could have melted the polar ice caps. Without breaking eye contact, Tim lifted his hand and slapped his own forehead with a resounding smack.
"You know, the Manor has a lot of rooms," Dick noted casually.
"It's got a library," Jason said.
"A swimming pool," Duke listed off.
"Don't forget the arcade! Tim LOVES the arcade," Dick yelled.
Jason pointed a finger at the the pair. "Yet somehow, every time that you guys are together..."
"Going STRAIGHT to Tim's room," Duke finished.
Tim threw his hands in the air. "You guys are unbelievable."
"Riiight..." Jason purred. "What's Tim's coffee order?
"Kon didn't even hesitate. "Tim doesn't drink coffee."
An absolute, suffocating silence fell over the Batcave. Jason’s smirk grew so wide it looked painful. "Ohh... Okay."
"Can you guys calm down for a sec?!" Tim yelled, the tips of his ears turning bright red.
"Lemme get this straight," Jason said, stepping up to the autopsy table and slamming his hands down. "He knows your coffee order, he's always in your room, he won't leave because you asked him to stay, and you think we're not gonna get suspicious of this?
"Tim's mouth opened, but only a squeak came out.
"Ah—"Kon blinked, finally looking between the smug vigilantes and a panicked Tim. He leaned closer to Tim. "It does sound really bad when he says it like that."
"Can you guys just leave my boy—" Tim started, his voice rising in panic.
WHACK.
Kon’s hand flew out, slapping entirely over Tim’s mouth with lightning speed, cutting him off mid-sentence.
"Shut the fuck up," Kon hissed under his breath.
Across the room, Dick, Duke, and Jason all stopped dead in their tracks. Their eyes narrowed in unison, squinting hard at Tim.
"The what? Boy—?" Dick asked.
"Boy what—?" Duke echoed.
Jason stepped closer. "Did I hear you say that one right?"
"No, no!" Kon chuckled nervously, his shoulders tensing as he gave a shaky laugh. "You guys are—you guys are hallucinating!"
Beneath Kon’s palm, Tim was making frantic, muffled noises, his eyes wide as he tried to speak."Sorry," Kon laughed quickly, keeping his hand firmly planted. "He just... he's motor-mouthing right now."
"I swear he just said—" Jason started.
"I swear he said boyfriend," Dick insisted.
"Oh nono, he didn't," Kon said, shaking his head so fast his dark hair flew around.
Tim’s muffled protests got significantly louder and more aggressive under Kon’s hand. Realizing he couldn't hold a half-Kryptonian-powered jaw shut forever without raising more red flags, Kon finally pulled his hand back.
"Sorry, okay! Go speak, what were you gonna say?" Kon whispered urgently.
Tim took a deep, desperate breath and yelled, "I was saying, 'Could you guys stop making fun of my boy... friend?' Cause he's a friend! Who's a boy!"
Kon closed his eyes and let out a long, exhausted sigh.
Jason just stared at Tim, completely deadpan. "Tim, out of everything you could've said..."
"That was probably the worst scapegoat I've ever heard in my life," Dick deadpanned.
Duke immediately put on a high-pitched, mocking voice, strutting around the table. "That guy's just my boy..friend!"
Tim dropped his head onto the cold metal of the autopsy table, letting out a muffled, defeated groan into the steel."I fucking hate this family."
The resounding clatter of Tim’s forehead hitting the cold metal of the autopsy table was cut short by the heavy, rhythmic echo of boots walking down the Batcave stairs.
Everyone froze.
Bruce walked into the main computer bay, cowl lowered around his shoulders, holding a stack of case files. He didn't look up immediately, his eyes scanning a forensics report. The absolute, suffocating silence in the room made him pause.
He stopped in front of the Batcomputer, lifted his gaze, and slowly took in the scene.
Tim was still face-down on the table, looking like a discarded piece of laundry. Kon was standing awkwardly next to him, hands stuffed deep into his pockets, vibrating with nervous Kryptonian energy. Dick, Jason, and Duke were lined up like a firing squad, wide grins plastered across their faces.
Bruce blinked once. "What is going on here?"
"Oh, nothing, B," Jason said smoothly, leaning back against a weapon rack. "Just conducting a routine interrogation. Turns out Timmy here has been hiding a pretty massive asset from the team."
Tim lifted his head by exactly two inches, glare fixed entirely on Jason. "Shut up. Delete your mouth."
"An asset?" Bruce’s eyebrows knitted together. He set the files down, his internal tactical radar immediately spiking. "A security breach? Is Arkham involved?"
"Worse," Duke chimed in, crossing his arms. "Interpersonal relations."
"We’re trying to establish the timeline of a certain relationship," Dick explained, practically bursting with the need to gossip. "Bruce, did you know that Kon has been in Tim’s room 'pretty much every time' he visits the Manor?"
Bruce turned his gaze toward Kon.
Kon, who could successfully trade blows with planetary threats, looked like he wanted to actively disintegrate under the Batman stare. "Uh. Mr. Wayne. Sir. It’s strictly for... tactical debriefs. And gaming. Mostly Mario Kart. Which he loses at."
Tim shot him a glare sharp enough to cut (the Boy of) steel.
"And the coffee order?" Jason pressed, stepping forward. "He knows the coffee order, Bruce. Tim doesn't even drink coffee. Explain that math.
"Bruce looked from Jason, to Dick, to Duke. Then, his eyes traveled over to Tim, who had gone entirely red and was now trying to squeeze himself into a gap between the computer console and the desk to escape.
The dark knight let out a long, slow breath. It was the exact sigh of a man who dealt with international terrorists by night, only to come home to a soap opera by day.
"Tim," Bruce said, his voice dropping into its deepest, most serious gravel.
Tim stopped trying to slide behind the computer. He braced himself, his shoulders tensing. "Yes, Bruce?"
"If Conner is staying over," Bruce said, completely deadpan, "he needs to be added to the Manor’s grocery budget. Alfred is complaining about the milk consumption."
The cave went dead silent again.
Kon blinked. "Wait. Really?"
"Bruce!" Dick gasped, deeply offended. "You’re not going to interrogate them? He slipped up! He literally called him his boyfriend!"
Bruce picked his case files back up, completely unfazed. "I have world-class detective skills, Dick. I figured this out three months ago when the electric bill doubled from someone using a super-speed hair dryer at 3:00 AM."
Tim slammed his face back down onto the table."
Oh, that is beautiful," Jason cackled, pointing a finger at Tim. "Exposed by the utility bill!"
"Everyone back to work," Bruce commanded, turning toward the main console. "We have a grid failure in Sector 4 to monitor."
As the three brothers reluctantly dispersed, murmuring and mocking Tim under their breaths, Kon leaned down over the table, whispering to a defeated Tim. "Hey, look on the bright side. At least I'm officially on the grocery list now.
"Tim didn't move. "I'm moving to Metropolis."