Work Text:
@juliecensfan
hey girls I've had a Religious Experience™
@madelineinthehouse
girl what happened
@juliecensfan
Ilya Rozanov was at my daughter's ballet class. and was wearing tights. and we could see Everything. and I Mean Everything.
@juliecensfan
ASTRONOMICAL level of BDE. I cannot overstate this.
@juliecensfan
legit could NOT tear my eyes away. i feel insane. i'm still shaking a little bit.
@juliecensfan
[Image: Ilya Rozanov, wearing a loose white t-shirt over ballet tights. His face and arms are very slightly glittery. His shirt is slightly hiked up, showing a stripe of his abs and the top of his Adonis belt. His pose takes on quite a bit of classical contrapposto, accentuating the flexion of his leg muscles and drawing the eye towards the centerpiece of the photo: the Dick Print.]
@madelineinthehouse
Holy shit.
@rozgirlbaylee
Life isn’t fair. Shane Hollander, this is the greed they talk about in the Bible. Let a girl have some. Please.
@kaitmelikeone
i don’t have anything appropriate to say. 🍆🍆🍆
@ilyaRAWzanov
I would let that dick Rupture my organs.
@ilyaRAWzanov
Good God How Does Shane Hollander Walk After Taking All That
@shaneholeander
with confidence and pride
@janegingerale
Hey this is a complete invasion of privacy. You need to take this down.
@hot4cens
Who reported this post lol.
@rozanov81
Shane wants me to tweet that all of that belongs to him and him only. This is true.
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
Ilya my parents can see this. Our sponsors can see this. My mom is calling me.
@haydenpike35
Why am I being subjected to more of this. Someone give me a concussion so I can forget this entire day.
@rozanov81
This is what you get for keeping my baby away from me.
@haydenpike35
AMBER IS NOT YOUR BABY
@jackiepike
This is why everyone thinks we are in a poly relationship.
@roselandry
Shane has always been possessive.
@harrisdrover
Ilya please call me ASAP.
Hayden knows, logically, that Ilya Rozanov is obsessed with Shane Hollander. Everyone knows it when they see them together. They really aren’t overt, most of the time. Their PDA is tasteful.
But Ilya is always touching Shane, and he handles Shane’s body like it’s an extension of himself. A hand on his shoulder or waist, ankles crossed under tables, fingers in the back of his shirt when they walk, moving Shane around when he's even slightly in Ilya's path.
And Shane Hollander, the best living hockey player, just lets him.
It’s worse than seeing them kissing. Not just because makes their relationship undeniable.
But because Shane used to tense when people bumped into him in the locker room. Hayden had to work his way up to casual touch with Shane for years. Most of their teammates never actually came into contact with Shane's body when he wasn't wearing pads.
It's fine. He can deal with it. He can deal with it because they are in Ottawa or traveling most of the time.
Hayden absolutely does not need to remember that the obsession is reciprocated.
Unfortunately, he is forced to recall this fact when Shane comes with him to pick up Ruby and Jade from ballet. He and Rozanov are in Montreal for some kind of sponsor photoshoot or something. Hayden feels like their faces are still haunting him.
“Daddy!” Ruby cries out. She’s in a tutu and a plastic tiara is falling off her head. Jade charges forward in an identical outfit. Her face still has glitter on it because she insisted that’s how ballerinas get ready. Some of it is on her shirt. Hayden just knows that the car is going to be completely covered in craft herpes by the time they get home. “We’re ballerinas now! Ms. Higgins said so.”
“That’s awesome, baby,” Hayden says, kissing both their heads. Jade hands her bag to Shane, who is a step behind Hayden, a quiet and steady presence.
“Are you okay, Uncle Shane?” Jade asks.
Hayden turns around. Shane is holding Jade’s bag, arm slack. His entire face is red, his knuckles white on the strap of the backpack, his mouth falling open ever so slightly. He’s staring at the exit of the ballet studio. Hayden follows his gaze.
Time slows.
This can't be fucking happening.
Ruby is still saying something.
Hayden can’t really hear her because Rozanov is standing at the exit, surrounded by a sea of little girls in tutus and suburban moms.
There is glitter on his face. There is also glitter on his loose white tee. Underneath that he is wearing ballet tights.
From the back it's okay. It's just his unfairly defined ass and thighs. Seriously, why does he have to have that quantity of ass? It practically warps space around it.
But from the front? His dick print is on full display, filling out the crotch of his tights in an undeniable manner.
Hayden could have sworn he saw Rozanov wearing sweatpants when he sent Ruby and Jade with him earlier.
Some of the moms are politely looking away or shielding their children's eyes. You know. Like normal people.
The rest of the moms are unabashedly looking. Hayden is praying no one has a camera out but hears a quiet shutter sound anyway.
Shane, on the other hand.
Shane is most definitely looking at it. Hayden thinks he sees Rozanov’s dick twitch as he looks over to see them.
Why the fuck does his dick need to be that big flaccid? Hayden thinks irritably. It’s an intrusive thought. He’s never thinking again.
Hayden looks back at Shane. Ruby and Jade are busy talking to the some of other girls from ballet class. “Are you seriously fucking sweating and drooling right now? There are children here.”
“What?” Shane startles out of his daze. There’s definitely drool on the corner of his mouth. My best friend is literally drooling over Ilya Rozanov’s dick, Hayden’s remaining brain cell shrieks. “No, I’m just hot.”
“It’s the middle of winter in Canada, man. We were just outside. It’s below zero. There’s a blizzard warning for tomorrow.”
Shane squirms in place, Jade’s bag swinging from his arm and in front of his lap. It’s the only time he’s moved in two minutes. “This lobby is overheated,” Shane mumbles. He wipes the drool from his mouth with his free hand.
“Moya lyubov!” Rozanov, seemingly done with his impromptu fan club, strides forwards towards them, grin on his face. Hayden has the sudden realization that they Cannot make contact. Everyone can see Rozanov’s dick right now. They are going to traumatize the children.
“No,” Hayden barks like a drill sergeant. Rozanov stops, barely a foot away. Shane is still catatonic. Hayden would be more concerned if he didn’t know Shane was shutting down out of self preservation. “Do NOT come closer. I will ban you from my house. I will ban you from Amber.”
“You would take my baby away from me?” Rozanov says, his face a mask of devastation so pure that it has to be fake.
“Are you talking about Shane or Amber?” Hayden asks. He can’t believe he has to ask. “Also Amber is your goddaughter. She is not your baby.”
“Both are my babies,” Rozanov says. He inches forward with criminal intent.
“I’m completely fucking serious,” Hayden says again. “I know Jackie will agree with me.”
Jackie will either find this deeply hilarious or wildly concerning. Hayden can’t tell which way it's going to fall.
Shane makes a strangled sound behind Hayden. He swallows, audibly, his throat working.
“Ilya,” Shane breathes. Hayden turns around. Shane’s pupils are blown. His irises are gone.
Hayden wants to run away screaming before he remembers that he is the only line of defense.
His best friend cannot be arrested for public indecency. They’re near children! What if Shane ends up on a list?
Who will babysit on date nights? Who will answer Hayden's texts with absurdly perfect grammar? Who will let Hayden know about the carcinogen levels in his roast beef sandwiches?
Ilya grins. His smile is so toothy that it’s almost too big for his face. “Dorogoy,” he croons, sickeningly sweet.
This is his sex voice, Hayden thinks. I’m in the target range of so many gross pheromones.
“Do not,” Hayden snaps. “Everyone can see your dick in that get up. I’m pretty sure someone snapped a picture. Put your sweatpants back on.”
“WHAT!” Shane squawks. Everyone in the lobby quiets and stares at him. He deflates. Jade’s bag is still there on his arm. Dangling.
“Don’t worry, lyubimyy,” Rozanov says fondly. “This is all for you.”
“Get. In. The fucking. Car, Rozanov,” Hayden grits out as the horny fucker shuffles forward again. Hayden glares again. "Amber," He mouths. Rozanov deflates. Hayden desperately hopes Shane is still not moving. “You are sitting in the back, I’m separating you two.”
“What’s wrong with Uncle Shane?” Ruby asks loudly as she skips back to Hayden. Shane’s face is still completely red.
“I’m sick,” Shane says. His fingers are twitching as he stands next to Hayden.
Pointedly, Hayden steps between Shane and Rozanov, hoping that cutting off visibility to the Phenomenon will make Shane functional again.
Rozanov tries to sidestep.
Hayden glares at him. “Uncle Shane will feel better soon, Ruby.”
“Yes he will,” Rozanov grins salaciously.
“Car, now. Take the girls with you.” Hayden snaps. Rozanov shrugs. He takes Ruby and Jade’s hands. Hayden throws him the car keys. “You are sitting in the third row.”
“I’m being banished?” Rozanov gasps. "What for?"
“Yes, you're being banished. You know what for. Go before I call Jackie.”
Rozanov hustles. Hayden turns to Shane. “I am literally begging you to keep it in your pants until you are in your own house.”
“Wha-“ Shane stammers. Hayden hasn’t ever seen him this overwhelmed. He’s more calm during playoff games. “I wouldn’t… I’m just hot like I said. Maybe I have a fever.”
“Yeah. Let's hope it's that and not the fact that everyone in this room just saw your husband's dick print.” Hayden says bluntly. Shane’s eye twitches. “Everyone can see it. Please do not look at your husband between now and when we drop you off. The girls haven’t had sex ed. I am not giving them the talk until I am good and ready.”
“Can I get a list of the parents?” Shane says in the car after they've been on the road for a few minutes.
“What.”
“Yeah, like a list of everyone at the ballet studio today.”
There is a homicidal glint in his eyes, now that the horniness has been abated by stuffing Rozanov into the back of the car.
"Shane." Hayden turns to face him. "You cannot murder a bunch of moms for seeing your husband's dick print. They have children to take care of."
"I'm sure they have partners," Shane says, the murder eyes lingering.
"Shane. No."
They drive in silence. Well, not exactly. The girls are singing We Don't Talk About Bruno at the top of their lungs. Rozanov has joined in.
Shane's hands are clenched into fists in his lap, held so deliberately still.
Hayden drives faster.
Thank god they're staying at a hotel this time. Hayden could not deal with this energy in his house.
He pulls up to the Ritz-Carlton Montreal and says, "Say bye to Uncle Shane, girls."
Shane and Rozanov start getting out of the car, Rozanov emerging from between the middle row captain's chairs with a grace not unlike a panther.
Why is he slinking. Who does that.
"Bye Uncle Shane! Bye Uncle Ilya!" The girls chorus.
"You have to promise that you'll come to ballet class again, Uncle Ilya," Jade says very seriously.
"Yeah. Uncle Shane should come next time too," Ruby chimes in.
Rozanov smiles. "Your dad may not want that, girls. But when you come to Ottawa, I will take you to the studio there."
The girls cheer, and the minivan doors close, and Hayden swears he can see Shane copping a feel of his husband's ass in the rearview mirror.
Not going to think about that ever again.