Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

With both hands raised in front of her chest, Nik pulled away.

“I’m so sorry, MacCready, I didn’t mean to…” she trailed off, nervously pulling at the bottom of her jacket before stuffing her fidgeting hands into her pockets. “I didn’t mean to do that!”

She continued to laugh exaggeratedly as she turned her body to the side, then back again. Her expression was uncontrolled as she struggled against her own incomplete movements like an addict going through withdrawals. 

Bewildered by the sudden shift of energy between them, the subtle smile on MacCready’s face slowly fell into a frown as he began to realize what was happening. 

“Hey, don’t apologize–”

“No, actually, I need to,” she cut him off, shutting her eyes as she stepped away from him further. “That was uncalled for and inappropriate, and I just need to stay over here, I think.” With another step back she removed her hands from her pockets and pointed towards the ground.

“Uncalled for?” he asked, the words barely emerging past the lump forming in his throat. He began to question whether or not she felt the other three times they hugged were also ‘uncalled for’. 

He didn’t like the way his question made him feel.

“Yeah, we’re business partners, right? I seriously need to learn to control myself when I’m upset, it’s entirely unprofessional, and it is unfair to you.”

His left eye twitched.

“I don’t see that as having anything to do with business,” he said, voice low with denial.

“Exactly! It shouldn’t be, and I shouldn’t be so weak, but I just keep…” She stopped, flexing her hands as she attempted to shake the panic overtaking her. When MacCready outstretched a hesitant arm towards her curling wrist, she moved away from him so quickly she nearly fell into the couch.

“Actually, now that I think about it, I should probably rest my leg, so why don’t we just meet in the lobby tomorrow before heading back to Sanctuary?”

MacCready lowered his hand in an empty surrender as his gaze moved from her face to the floor. He felt so unbearably exposed, having admitted he didn’t want to leave her behind, only to watch her pull away from him entirely as a result.

So much for ‘coming to terms’ with what he was feeling. 

He watched as she collected her bag from the floor, and decided to try one last time.

“Nik, I just wanted to let you know I cared, that’s all.” His voice remained low and reserved, as if making himself smaller would protect him from that familiar void slowly returning to his chest.

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” she stammered, pulling her bag over her shoulder. “I care about us helping each other, too, it’s only fair, you know? If we didn’t have some kind of transaction going, one of us would bail, am I right?”

MacCready took a deep breath and looked at her from beneath the brim of his hat. 

That was the most offensive thing she had said yet.

“Of course,” he lied, fully resigning as he accepted himself to be the absolute fool he was.

He searched for her eyes as she paused in front of him. When they managed to make eye contact, he knew he saw her underneath it all. Behind the wall she was placing between them, he could see that familiar intensity flashing within her irises, that charged look of strength and complexity, a layered proclamation of character only his best friend could have. 

And right there, directly in front of his face, she was choosing to bury it. 

Choosing to hide it all from him.

As quickly as she had pulled away, her eyes finally fell empty, as if no one had ever been there at all.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, MacCready,” she finished, nodding once as she left the room without waiting for him to reply. His jaw tightened as he breathed through his nose, eyes searching the room for an answer to this shift of events, and finding none. 

As he looked over his shoulder, she had already disappeared up the stairs, and the air surrounding him fell ice cold.

The door to Nik’s room at the Rexford slammed shut as she pushed her body into it. With a subtle growl she threw her bag onto the chair, then ripped her jacket off of her shoulders. She raised both hands to her head and gripped her hair, as if that would stop the auditory onslaught from returning to her psyche, which had simply been waiting in the shadows for her sense of security to falter once again.

How could you be so fucking stupid?!

What a useless bitch you are!

Pathetic.

She tensed her right hand before slamming it against the wall beside her.

“Congratu-fucking-lations, you win!” she screamed, to no one but herself.

Stomping into the bathroom, she looked into the mirror, and was greeted by a reflection she didn’t recognize. She placed both hands on either side of the sink, then began to teeter back and forth. She panted lightly as her head began to swim; the unwelcome physical counterpart to the returning voices.

“I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.”

Wasting time. Wasting time is what you’re doing.

Her eyes shut tightly as her hands continued to writhe against the cracked porcelain.

“I thought I was doing a good thing.”

She grit her teeth.

Yeah? What did it get you, besides that free-loading bastard thinking he can take even more from you?

She exhaled sharply as her head fell.

“He’s not like that.”

Could’ve fooled me. 

“He’s been kind to me.”

When kindness gets Shaun back, you let me know.

Nik’s hands fell from the sink as she turned into the wall, then slid down it until she was sitting on the floor. She felt a tightness in her throat as she leaned her head back, staring at the ceiling pitifully until tears began to fall down her face. 

“It’s not fair. He’s my friend. Why can’t I have a friend?”

Because you don’t deserve it.

“Please, I… I’m not a bad mother,” she cried, mouth stretched open in a silent wail as she clutched at her chest.

“I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Silence.

MacCready ignored the banging noise coming from the next room as he locked the door to his own, then moved towards the bed against the opposite wall. Absolutely deflated, he laid on his back without removing his jacket, and looked at the ceiling.

His mouth curled in distaste as he imagined himself savoring the way she felt in his arms. When he thought of the way her hair felt against his face, his heart ached.

Why did this hurt so badly?

You know why.

He pulled his hat from his head and threw it before pushing both palms into his eye sockets.

What a fucking fool. A pathetic, ugly, weak, sad excuse of a man.

A boy.

In a rapid moment of realization, he sat himself up and wiped his hand down his face, revealing a scowl.

It didn’t matter that someone he had grown to care for was pulling away. It didn’t matter that someone worth admiring decided he was nothing more than hired help. It didn’t matter that the person he didn’t want to leave behind when he went home to his son didn’t care that that was a struggle for him to consider in the first place.

MacCready shot up from the bed and began to pace.

Fine. 

Fine! If she wanted to deny his friendship and just use him for work, then… fine.

If she wanted to act like him being there for her throughout all of this didn’t mean enough for her to even consider sticking together, then so fucking be it.

He kicked the leg of the table in front of him repeatedly until a lamp on a nearby nightstand swayed and fell to the ground.

He returned to the bed with his head in his hands.

Whatever. If she wanted to distance herself from him, so be it. He’ll do the Glowing Sea job, endure a miserable walk to return the power armor to Sanctuary, collect his pay, and leave.

It was the sensible thing to do, especially after learning she clearly did not feel the same way about him that he did about her. At least he’d be able to secure more protection for Duncan and his grandmother before returning to Goodneighbor to wait for the next job. If it ever came. And if it did, he would be alone.

Alone. Again.

He didn’t want to be alone again. 

He didn’t want the nightmares to come back, like the void already had.

He imagined what it would look like to leave Sanctuary without her and it tore through his heart like a blade. 

He curled onto his side and pulled his limbs towards his torso, squeezing his eyes shut so tight his head began to ache. Placing his hands on his shoulders as he held himself, he tucked his chin into his chest and ignored the pressure burning behind his eyelids.

This is what his life was, and he needed to accept it.

He could only hope that he’d be able to see Duncan one more time.

Only after several hours of lonesome anguish did his body finally give in and allow him to rest.

Nik’s solemn expression made her appear as if she hadn’t slept at all as she made her way into the lobby. The early morning sun highlighted the dust in the air, and the idle chitchat between the hotel staff muffled the sound of the creaking staircase beneath her feet. 

She was not looking forward to today, but her personal feelings didn’t matter, especially when it came to her fear concerning the Glowing Sea. She didn’t have a choice, so she might as well accept it.

She felt her stomach lurch into her throat as she spotted MacCready sitting near the doors, back facing her. He was hunched over the table with a cup in his hands, though it was barely visible behind his wide sulking shoulders.

For the first time since they met, seeing him made her heart race.

Bag and rifle secured on her back, she dismissed the feeling and approached him, once again made keenly aware of her lack of choices.

“Ready to go?”

MacCready’s eyes shut and opened as he took a deep breath.

“Sure thing, Boss.”

“Here,” Nik said, reaching into her pocket for the twenty caps she had set aside before coming down. She lowered them onto the table in front of him, and he stared at the mass accumulating on the surface as his breathing quickened.

He knew exactly what she was doing. 

“For anything I may have missed over the past few days,” she said.

He stood, making no effort to regulate the anger on his face as he quickly shoved the caps in his pocket by way of three handfuls.

“Trying to make this feel more like a transaction?” he asked, though his tone barely suggested he was questioning anything. In tight movements he removed his hand from his pocket, turned, then yanked his rifle from the table. He paused and looked into her face, which, again, revealed absolutely nothing. With a huff, he turned and made his way to the door. With the same empty eyes, Nik followed.

On the way back to Sanctuary, the two spoke a total of zero words to one another. Any enemies they encountered were dealt with easily, their synchronized fighting styles assisting them in the shallow endeavor they both shared; not being the one to say something first.

“General, welcome back!” Preston said, waving from across the bridge. MacCready slowed his pace so as to not feel obligated to speak to either of them during their inevitable catch-up.

“Preston,” she acknowledged formally. MacCready noticed her tone and verbiage was slightly different around him and made no effort to stop his eyes from rolling.

“How did your emergency situation go?”

“Successful, thank you for asking.”

MacCready’s jaw tightened. To think he was practically over the moon two days ago, and now, that day was nothing more than a ‘successful mission’ to her. He felt like an idiot.

“Today, MacCready and I will be working on two suits of power armor, and then we’ll be making our way to the Glowing Sea. How are we looking on fusion cores?”

Preston took a deep breath as he subtly shook his head. “Well, somewhere around fifteen, I think. But Sturges and I have those set aside for fusion generators we’re looking to build, so we can take the others to some nearby settlements.”

Nik clicked her tongue. “I’ll find a way to replace what we use. I’m afraid it’s non-negotiable."

He seemed reluctant, but he nodded nonetheless. “You’ve been a woman of your word thus far, General. I suppose I have no reason to doubt you now. Is there anything we can do to help?”

“Is Sturges around? I’m savvy, but power armor is not my thing.”

“Could’ve fooled me, that was some display back in Concord,” Preston said, making MacCready’s blood boil as his own voice echoed in his mind.

“That was some display, Hotshot.”

Undeterred from the compliment, Nik stood expectantly while Preston cleared his throat.

“Sturges should be near the workshop.” 

Nik nodded politely while MacCready began walking to the armory in silence.

“Thank you, Preston. I’ll check in with you before we go.”

Nik and Sturges conversed in front of two suits of power armor while the chassis for another stood empty at a power armor station nearby. Preston insisted on collecting any and all power armor equipment they could find early on, and while she protested in the beginning, she was now grateful he hadn’t listened to her. As such, Sanctuary was now equipped with two full suits and a great assortment of extra parts to create more, and she sometimes wondered what would happen if the Brotherhood of Steel were to ever find out.

“Here’s what I’m thinkin’,” Sturges said, turning with his hands out as he motioned to the helmets of the suits. “Rad scrubbers, and a targeting display.” Nik nodded while MacCready wandered off to distract himself with the equipment lining the walls. Multiple workbenches, toolboxes overflowing with tools, bundles of metal and circuitry lying beside the shells of old fans, toasters, and rotary phones. He continued to take slow steps while he listened to the two talk.

“They work exactly like how they sound they would. The rad scrubber? Any radiation you take in will be filtered out. That only counts for what’s outside of you, though, so if you take it off and get infected, it ain’t gonna help you.”

“Right.”

“Now I’m assuming you ain’t ever seen the Glowing Sea before?”

“No.”

“You ever been stuck in a radstorm?”

Nik opened her mouth to speak, but the words failed to materialize as she noticed MacCready’s entire body tense in her peripheral vision. A heavy feeling of guilt moved through her bones as she finally shook her head ‘no’.

“Well, it can get real hazy out there, especially if it’s dark or stormin’. Imagine lookin’ through a big ol’, cloudy, green glass bottle. That’s what you’d be dealin’ with. Gonna be near impossible to see what’s out there ‘til it’s right on top of ya.”

“Okay. Fantastic,” she said, flashing an unenthusiastic grin.

“Well, that’s what the targeting system’s for. These old world blueprints are somethin’ else. My guess is it works by picking up either movement or heat signatures.”

“Would heat signatures even read in a place with that much radiation?” MacCready asked. Nik’s eyes jumped towards him as the sound of his voice- which she hadn’t heard in several hours- sent a nervous response throughout her entire body. She pretended to occupy herself with the power armor while Sturges twisted his face in thought.

“Uh… yeah, I suppose that’s a valid question. Whether they do or not, we’re gonna try and install ‘em anyway, and hope for the best.”

Nik pushed herself to look at MacCready, but he was already staring at a rifle on the wall. From across the room, she spotted that tuft of hair that curled out from beneath his hat and fell around his ear, then looked away.

Nik grumbled loudly as she stepped inside the same power armor suit from Concord; a fully intact t-45 model, rusted brown in color and structure but thoroughly reinforced to make up for it. As her limbs settled into the frame, it closed around her, and the sound of her rapid breathing sounded from the speakers of the helmet. 

Looking up at her was MacCready, already knowing she was having a hard time in there, but unwilling to do anything to comfort her after the events of last night. He turned away from her while ignoring every instinct he had, before removing his jacket and stepping into the second suit. A t-51 model, painted black entirely, and much easier to move around in than the t-45. Who had which suit was a deliberate decision made by Nik, but she did not care to point that out to him.

As the suit closed around him, he was eye-level with her again, and he blinked his eyes repeatedly as he adjusted his vision to the digital display beaming back at him.

A pointed metal finger moved in front of his face as Nik began to explain what the display meant.

“Three things; the status of your suit over here, the health of your fusion cores here, and how much radiation is making its way into the suit right here. It should read zero or less than one the entire time. If that ever changes, you tell me immediately. That’s what you need to pay attention to.” 

MacCready’s eyes darted back and forth as he acquainted himself with the different gauges. Nik shifted awkwardly as she attempted to grab her rifle from a nearby counter. She struggled to hold it in the metal hands at first, but slowly began to acclimate. MacCready decided to do the same thing, even though he was already doubting his effectiveness in combat while being trapped in the confines of steel and thermoplastics. He emptied the chamber of his rifle before attempting to get a feel for the trigger, then began to sweat slightly as he grew frustrated with how foreign it felt.

Before he could express any disdain, a hiss and a series of metallic clanks sounded beside him as Nik’s suit popped open. She jumped out of the back of it, wiping a bead of sweat from her brow. Discombobulated by all of the stimulation, MacCready dropped his rifle, sending a static “fuck” from the helmet as Nik turned around to pick it up. 

“I can get it myself,” he said, lifting and lowering his legs awkwardly. Without looking at him, she retrieved the gun from the ground and deposited it in his hands.

“We leave in about thirty minutes. I’m going to pack my suit with the extra fusion cores, and yours with aid. Do what you need to do,” she finished, turning to leave the armory. 

He dropped his gun again and mumbled a myriad of curses, then activated the lever beneath the torso of the armor, initiating the rapid countdown before it popped open on its own. He extended his arms outward as Sturges instructed him to do and waited, eager to feel the air on his body again.

These suits were definitely not as cool as his kid-self once thought they were.

After several long hours of walking, exasperated by needing to keep their movements slow in order to avoid several different classes of enemies, Nik was relieved to see a small dilapidated house occupied by three Minutemen just outside of what she gathered to be the edge of the Glowing Sea. MacCready lowered his gun after she told him who they were, while she dropped her own and approached them with her hands up.

“I’m Nik, General of the Minutemen,” she called out, voice skewed by the helmet. The soldiers approached hesitantly, laser muskets raised.

“Step out so we can see you, or we shoot. This site belongs to the Minutemen.”

“Fine,” she said, obeying their command. MacCready watched as she effortlessly dismounted from the leg brackets, as if she had done it several times before. Moving to gather her rifle from the ground, she wiped her forehead as she stood. “Once again, I’m the General,” she said, unable to regulate the irritation in her voice until she averted her eyes to the side and saw a woman on the edge of the three-person formation. “Oh, hey. You’re Alex, right?”

The woman lowered her musket hesitantly. “Yes?”

“I remember you, from Sanctuary. You decided to do field reconnaissance while the men cowered into the fields.” Nik extended her hand for her to shake. “It’s a pleasure to see you still out here.”

The woman smiled as she returned the gesture while the two men conversed under their breath. 

“Thanks,” said Alex.

Nik scanned the ground around her feet, noting multiple bodies.

“When were you attacked?”

“Just missed it,” one of the men said, turning back into the house with a scowl, clearly not impressed with Nik’s earlier comment. The woman stood at attention regardless.

“Yes, just a few minutes ago, General. Came barreling over the hill like a bunch of lunatics.”

“Typical Raiders,” Nik replied, settling her hands on her hips. 

“What can we help you with?” Alex asked, the dirt on her face not enough to diminish the bright energy she radiated.

“Well, we’re on our way to the Glowing Sea, so… just need a moment to sit and hydrate, if that’s alright?”

“Of course, please,” she started, nodding enthusiastically before gesturing towards MacCready. “Your partner gonna get out of that thing, then?” 

Nik turned to look at him.

“Need help, big guy?” she asked, bringing the woman to laugh. MacCready silently mocked her beneath the cover of the helmet before sending the suit open and climbing out of it carefully. The black long sleeve he was wearing clung to his frame with sweat, and Nik inhaled sharply before turning towards the house quickly.

“After you,” she said, gesturing for the woman to move. Alex looked MacCready up and down without reserve, and Nik pretended not to care.

As they crossed the threshold, Alex spoke.

“Whatever do you need to do in the Glowing Sea?”

“I’m afraid I can’t answer that,” Nik said, plopping herself onto a couch against a wall. “Don’t need any reason to put the Minutemen in danger.”

“Oh,” Alex said, seeming to trust her General’s words despite having a great desire to be informed. “Okay. Well, it’s right there, if those shattered trees outside didn’t give it away. I keep telling the guys we should move back north, but… you know how men can be.”

“Oh, do I,” Nik replied. In the same breath, MacCready walked inside, looking around the room as if unsure where to go. Nik struggled to move her eyes away from him, having never seen him without his jacket or hat while on the road. The back of his brown hair curled slightly while the top of it lay matted with sweat until he ran his fingers through it. His torso and arms were accentuated by the fabric stuck to his skin, which Alex must have noticed, because she approached him eagerly.

He looked at Nik for just a moment, only to be met by her dark eyes, before they both looked away.

“Can I get you anything? Water, pork and beans?”

“He’ll take a water,” Nik interjected, earning her another crossed look from MacCready.

“Sure, take a seat!” she said, gesturing towards another couch closer to the doorway, across from Nik. As he sat, he pinched the fabric at his chest and moved it up and down repeatedly as sweat reflected off of his skin. His long legs dominated the small space between them, and Nik turned her body entirely to avoid the sight.

Alex handed him a can of water as she sat beside him on the couch.

“What’s your name?” she asked, smiling sweetly. Whatever camaraderie Nik felt towards the woman was slowly falling away, and she was too distracted by her jealousy to notice. 

She wanted her to get away from him.

“Uh…” MacCready started, shifting further away from Alex awkwardly.

“He’s mute,” Nik suddenly said, leaning back confidently. “This whole walk from Sanctuary, he hasn’t said a word,” she finished with a tilt of the head. MacCready turned slowly to meet Nik’s eyes.

Interesting, he thought. A layered challenge that was only partially a lie. Sure, he hadn’t spoken the entire time, but that was still quite the ballsy falsehood to choose. Now, would he out Nik to be a liar and entertain the woman clearly trying to flirt with him? Or play along and hopefully deter the efforts of someone he wouldn’t so much as spare a second glance for in any other circumstance?

Personally, he was fighting between feeling amused and offended, but decided to let Nik ‘win’ this one regardless. 

He told himself he simply wasn’t in the mood to feign niceties with strangers, so, truly, he was the winner.

MacCready faced Alex with his lips drawn tight. 

“Oh,” Alex said, shifting awkwardly. “I’m sorry?”

“Don’t be, it’s peaceful, and he doesn’t mind, do you?” Nik continued, eyeing him carefully.

MacCready blinked slowly before shrugging his shoulders dramatically.

With a forced laugh, Alex stood from the couch and walked towards the doorway, clearly not interested in a man without a voice.

If you only knew, Nik thought.

“Well, if you need anything else before you go, please, let us know!”

Nik didn’t move her eyes from MacCready’s as she hollered back, “Thank you!”

An unwanted smile tugged at the corner of his lips before he forced an emotionless stare, attempting to let her know he was displeased with her interjection, which was but another partial lie. Nik narrowed her eyes as she lifted the can to her lips in an attempt to hide her face all together, her amusement betraying her dire need to be unmovable by him.

They remained in their silent stalemate for another ten minutes before Nik finished her water and stood to leave, striding past him smoothly, which was quite the feat, given the growing anxiety overtaking every quadrant of her body.

MacCready's eyes fell shut as soon as she left the small house.

Pretending not to care was exhausting him.

Nik and MacCready re-entered their suits respectively, then continued to walk south. The terrain of the edge of the Glowing Sea was hilly, hardened dirt mounds forged from the reverberations of the two-hundred year-old atomic impact. The two struggled to find steady footing on the uneven surface, made worse by the fallen chunks of splintered wood scattered everywhere.

Nik wanted to ask him if he had ever been in this area before, if he had ever gotten radiation sickness, if he knew what kind of creatures were privy to a landscape such as this one. Instead, she remained silent, feeling far too anxious and overwhelmed to even begin trying to navigate a conversation with him. 

She told herself the anxiety she was feeling was solely from being in unfamiliar, volatile territory, but she knew that wasn’t true.

MacCready kept himself two paces back, allowing him a better view of every angle surrounding Nik. He wondered when- not if- a horde of ghouls would appear, and if Nik knew of radscorpions and their predisposition to burrow themselves in the ground before sprouting from it with force in order to attack their prey ambush-style.

Like mole rats, he would have said. But she wasn’t speaking to him.

With a heavy groan, he followed Nik around a pool of mysterious irradiated liquid before finally biting the bullet.

“Have you ever dealt with radscorpions?”

Nik, taken aback by the sudden sound of his voice, stopped walking.

“Huh?”

“Radscorpions,” he repeated, voice louder this time. “Have you ever dealt with them?”

“No?”

He explained the large, six-legged creatures with stingers as big as their heads as quickly as he could, then waited for her to move again, ignoring the feeling of dread slowly crawling up his spine. He did not know how long they would have to walk before finding anything of note. What he did know is that they did not belong here, and it was only a matter of time before something terrifying reminded them of that fact.

What MacCready didn’t expect was for that reminder to come in the form of a base for the Children of Atom. Up to the point of spotting them from atop a large hill, they had managed to avoid a buried church crawling with ghouls and a cluster of radscorpions walking in circles within a valley they edged around.

And now, standing on the high edge of a massive crater, the two looked into its depths curiously.

“What the fuck is that?” Nik said, too dumbfounded to concern herself with her vow of silence. 

“A bunch of psychos, that’s what that is,” he replied, repeatedly looking over his shoulder while Nik considered what to do next.

“That much is obvious. I’m asking if they’re dangerous,” she said, clearly irritated. 

“Use your words, then,” MacCready quipped, uncharacteristically brazen due to their all-concealing outfits.

“Use my words?!” she barked, making him flinch.

“Relax, Nik,”

“Fuck you, don’t tell me to relax.”

“Yes, they can be dangerous, if you piss them off. If you don’t insult their precious deity, I’d imagine you’d be fine.” He spat out the explanation quickly, attempting damage control. But, he was who he was, and he couldn’t not be a smartass all the time.

“Deity?”

“Yeah, like, God?” he finished with a smile.

MacCready could hear the large breath she was taking, which was rather remarkable, given the constant disorienting hum of their environment. He wondered what her face looked like as he decided to be pleased with himself.

2-0.

“Keep playing your fucking games, MacCready,” she said, taking a half step closer to him. “If I recall correctly, I didn’t insult your intelligence while you were pissing your pants at Med-Tek.”

...

Nik regretted the words before they left her mouth. All she could hear was her breath slowly panting against the metal frame before her, and she began to silently beg him to say something.

When he spoke, his words didn’t release her from her shame.

“Radiation. They worship radiation.”

MacCready’s tone was scathing, even through the helmet’s speaker. Nik couldn’t bring herself to apologize.

“I’m going to try and ask them if they have any clue where Virgil is,” she said, waiting to see if he had anything else to add. He remained silent, and like him, she also couldn’t help but to imagine what his face must look like. Dismissing the awful feeling it brought her, she settled on his silence being the answer to her unspoken question.

‘Use your words.’ Sure.

Nik led MacCready down a wooden pathway that repeatedly split off towards varying sections of the compound. There were metal shacks of different sizes surrounding what she gathered to be ground zero for the nuclear explosion she saw with her own eyes so long ago. Being there was simply unreal, and it unsettled her greatly. 

Nik suppressed her worry as they passed a man on his knees with his arms raised. He was bald, and looked like one tug of his skin would pull it all straight off of his bones. Behind him stood the main building of the base, given away by its much larger size. A woman was posted at its entrance.

“Stop right there, stranger. You approach Atom’s holy ground,” said the woman. Her skin appeared tinted green while her thinning hair lay in scattered chunks all over her head. 

MacCready wasn’t kidding about their proclivities. How were these people still alive?

“Why are you here? State your purpose, or be divided in His sight,” the woman finished, flexing her fidgeting hands over an unfamiliar weapon attached to her hip.

“I need help,” Nik started, already unsure of which angle to take with the cultist. Before she could continue, the woman interrupted her.

“Do you seek division?” The woman’s eyes flashed open in excitement as Nik turned her head slightly, clearly wary. MacCready remained a few steps behind her, ready to engage if the conversation turned south. “Have you come to merge with Atom to be split in His infinite glory? Or do you seek to tear down His followers?”

Nik shook her head in exaggeration as she decided on her angle. “Though I am most fortunate to be in the presence of such devotees, I fear I have to address matters of a much simpler kind. I am looking for someone named Virgil, have you heard of him?”

The woman raised her chin to Nik, clearly relishing in her compliment. “Virgil. Yes, we know this Virgil. What do you want with him?”

Nik’s tone returned to normal as she stuttered out, “I, uh…” She cleared her throat. “I must speak with him. It is of utmost importance.”

The woman narrowed her eyes, clearly unimpressed.

“He has sought refuge with Atom. I would need to know more before I tell you where he is. Now, what do you want with him?”

MacCready took a step forward, metal hands closed firmly around his rifle as he said,

“We need to ask him about the Institute.”

Nik whipped herself around, a flood of panic overtaking her as she looked at MacCready with widened eyes. How could he say that so nonchalantly to a total stranger, let alone one as bugged-out as her?

To Nik’s surprise, when she turned back, she didn’t have that strange gun pointed at her face. Instead, the woman had her head tilted and was swaying slightly as she spoke.

“I have heard of this Institute. They hide themselves, trying to avoid the power of Atom. A futile effort.” She smiled to herself, as if basking in a sense of superiority, before her face suddenly fell serious. “In truth, this Virgil has caused some concern; his presence is an affront to Atom, and though he came to trade with us on a few occasions, we have had little contact with him. It was quite clear he wanted to be left alone.”

“We desire to draw him out. As you said, he cannot be here.”

The woman’s eyes fluttered open.

“Mm. That, I never said. I simply said his presence was an affront to Atom.”

Fuck.

“Would… wouldn’t that mean you’d prefer for him to be gone, then?”

“If he refuses to be divided while relishing in the benefits of His creation, then yes, we would surely benefit from such an arrangement. It would undoubtedly settle the nerves of several of His children.”

“Let us help you, then. Tell us where he is, and we will plead yours and Atom’s case to him.”

“You do not speak for Atom!” she screamed, taking a step backwards and clutching her chest as if she were suffering a heart attack. MacCready stomped past Nik with his rifle raised, but was stopped when she grabbed his shoulder and yanked him back. She then dropped herself to her knees.

“I apologize, I did not mean to speak out of turn, I swear to you,” Nik yelled out, metal hands sprawled ahead of her. The internal frame of the power armor dug into her body uncomfortably in such a position, but she remained still. “I plead for your forgiveness, I repent in His name! Please, allow me to know what you know, so I may help us both. Please!”

The woman stood straight again, hand still on her chest. Whatever exasperation she was feigning before was completely gone as she appeared to be pleased by Nik’s begging.

“Mm, that is enough. Stand.”

Nik repressed a pained grunt as she awkwardly pushed herself up from the ground. She could’ve sworn she heard MacCready laughing, but couldn’t be sure if she was simply imagining what she knew his response to her little act would be. 

After a silent, eerie moment, the woman finally spoke.

“You can find him southwest of the crater, living in a cave. I would approach cautiously, were I you. I feel he does not want visitors, but I implore you to return successful in your efforts.”

“Thank you,” Nik said, bowing once before quickly turning back. MacCready watched her as she rushed up the walkways. As they reached the top of the hill, he let out a loud snort.

“‘Utmost importance?’” he said, laughing hard, and not caring what her response would be. Nik sighed in embarrassment as they moved south and began to scale the crater.

“What the fuck was I supposed to say?”

“I don’t know, how about, ‘tell me where he is or I’ll put a bullet in your head’?”

“Okay, yeah,” Nik said, gesturing her hands in a large circle in an attempt to point out the several cultists lining the crater. “So we could be attacked on all sides by radiation-enforced freaks? Good idea, MacCready.”

He laughed again. “Whatever makes you feel better, Shakespeare.”

Nik wasn’t satisfied. “They’re clearly fucking delusional, MacCready. If you feed a delusional person praises, they’ll give you practically anything you want.”

“Eh, too convoluted for me. Though the begging on the knees was a nice touch,” he said, pushing himself upwards with his legs as they crested the steepest part of the crater walls. Nik reluctantly took his hand as he hoisted her upwards.

“Shut the fuck up, MacCready,” she said, exhaling as she found her footing.

“Oh, I haven’t heard that one in a while!” he said, voice laced with sarcasm so animated it took her off guard.

Before she could reply, a loud buzzing sounded from behind them, and MacCready whipped himself around to be met by two stingwings already in their curled attacking positions, ready to eject their venom. He scrambled to lift his rifle while Nik quickly grabbed one of the insects in her metal hand and squeezed until it exploded in a cloud of yellowish-green gore. MacCready fired his rifle at the other and missed as it dispensed its venomous attack, covering the eyes of his helmet in opaque yellow liquid, effectively blinding him. 

Nik sprayed her rifle haphazardly, her usual centered behavior in combat compromised by her and MacCready’s bickering. While none of the bullets hit its body, one managed to shred one of its wings, sending the creature to the ground in a spiral. Nik moved forward to stomp on it while MacCready began to whine.

“I can’t see anything!” he said, attempting to wipe the substance from the helmet and only managing to draw sharp lines through the venom instead. Nik attempted to use the arm of her suit to wipe it clean, but was met with the same results.

Looking forward again through the hazy air, her eyes fell on another large, rocky formation about half of a mile ahead of them. She quickly grabbed MacCready’s hand and pulled him forward.

“I think I see caves,” she said, one hand holding her rifle and the other guiding MacCready’s body around and through hills and valleys.

“Considering I grew up in one, I could probably tell you if it was. Too bad I can’t see, though.”

“You did it to yourself MacCready, if you weren’t so busy trying to get the one-up on me we would’ve been able to hear those things before they got close.”

MacCready’s body stumbled into Nik’s as she suddenly stopped.

“Be quiet,” she hissed, still holding his hand. MacCready began to panic, unable to see. The venom seemed to be drying and cracking against the glass, but that still wasn’t enough to enlighten him to what it was Nik had just seen.

He remained frozen in fear as he waited for her to speak.

“Deathclaw,” she said, squeezing his hand tightly. “Slow and steady. We’re sneaking by.”

MacCready’s heart began to pound so hard he could feel it in his ears. Not being able to shoot was one thing, but not even being able to see his death before it happened was a new kind of fear he found absolutely repulsive. 

MacCready turned his head until a faint red outline flickered on the digital display in front of him. Judging by the size of the outline, they were still quite a ways away from the creature. The Deathclaw stood upright before curling its body backwards, letting out a primal roar so intense it shook the ground they walked on. 

As he felt a tug on his arm he began to walk, keeping his helmet trained on the red outline. The reading showed intermittently as they passed through more valleys, which obstructed the scope of the targeting display. He was repeatedly thrown in and out of panic each time, expecting the red lines to grow in size the next time it appeared.

“Oh, fuck,” Nik said, yanking on MacCready’s arm. “Run!”

Without hesitation he obeyed, allowing Nik to guide him while the sound of a large galloping noise grew in intensity behind them. 

“I see a cave entrance! Stay right behind me!” she yelled, somehow moving faster than before despite still locking hands with him. He did his best to situate himself directly behind her, mentally preparing to crash into a rocky wall at any moment, which was exactly what happened.

Nik grabbed his suit with hers, with both arms, attempting to steady him while also pulling him further into the cave. The Deathclaw crashed against the outside of the cave entrance, its body far too large to enter the hole they came through.

Nik continued moving backwards with MacCready, both panting wildly, when the sudden sound of can chimes rattled behind them. She whipped around in a panic, only to be met by a super mutant standing directly in front of her. Before she could scream, it was speaking to her. 

“Hold it. Take it nice and slow. No sudden moves. I know you’re from the Institute. So where’s Kellogg, huh? Trying to sneak up on me? It’s not going to work. I’m not stupid. I knew they’d send him after me,” he spoke quickly, voice riddled with the nerves of a man who was watching his own personal conspiracy be proven true in real time.

“It’s just me and my partner, here. We’re just here to talk!” Nik said, easily concluding the super mutant was the man she was looking for. MacCready still couldn’t see, but he could hear she sounded terrified. Apparently they had found Virgil, and judging by the tone of Nik’s voice, he was threatening her with a weapon.

“I don’t even know who you are. For all I know, Kellogg is hiding in that suit right behind you.”

MacCready quickly ejected himself from the suit, landing on unstable legs as he fell backwards a few paces. In haste, he grabbed his gun from the ground and whipped around, only to stumble backwards again in terror.

“You… you’re not Kellogg,” Virgil said, while MacCready lifted his rifle on instinct, the sight of Virgil clearly not being what he expected. Nik took a panicked step in between them.

“Neither of us are, just listen to me!” she yelled, standing straight and ejecting herself from her suit. When she met the ground, she didn’t reach for her rifle. “I need your help–”

“My help? With what? How did you even find me anyway?”

“I’m just looking for information on the Institute,” she said, lowering her voice in an attempt to deescalate. Virgil was not convinced.

“So they did send you, didn’t they? You’re working with Kellogg!”

“Relax!” Nik screamed, sending an echo throughout the cave. “Kellogg is dead!”

Virgil paused as his green face twisted with shock and disbelief. Behind the small eyeglasses perched on his large nose were his eyes, blinking rapidly.

“Dead? He’s dead? Don’t you lie to me!”

“I’m not lying,” Nik said, practically pleading now. “I killed him myself.”

“Did you? How?”

Virgil seemed to be calming slightly, and Nik immediately looked towards MacCready to check on him. He had tucked half of his body behind his suit and had his rifle raised. A steady stream of blood was trickling down the side of his head, but aside from that, he appeared the same as usual. Nik gestured for him to lower his gun, and he reluctantly obeyed.

“He was injured after leaving Diamond City, and I was able to track him down,” Nik said, returning her attention to the man trapped in a super mutant’s body, which was clothed in torn fabrics and plastic, body far too large to fit into whatever he was wearing before. “You’ll be happy to know I effectively bludgeoned him to death.”

“My…” Virgil started, noticeably relaxing. “Kellogg was ruthless. There’s a reason the Institute used him to do their dirty work for so many years. I’m… quite impressed. So… if he’s already dead, what do you want with me?”

“I need to get in there,” Nik said, taking a step forward. MacCready emerged from behind his suit and watched her carefully, still anticipating Virgil to lose the last of his human senses and succumb to his dumb, lethal predisposition at any moment.

“You want to get into the Institute? Are you insane?” Virgil said, voice raising again. MacCready stepped forward with a snarl on his face and Virgil flinched away from him. Nik raised her arm in front of MacCready and pushed him back.

“Enough. We’re all just talking,” she said, looking at them both before settling on Virgil. “There’s no need for violence, here. Right, Virgil?”

“How do you know my name?” he asked hesitantly, as if he were afraid of the answer.

“I looked into Kellogg’s memories. Long story. You were right, they were sending Kellogg after you. You were his next assignment. I killed him before he could get to you. How about a little gratitude, huh?” she finished, lowering her arms and tilting her head. She felt herself starting to get her edge back, now that the latest mission on her to-do list was completed. She made it to the Glowing Sea, she found Virgil, and she was still alive.

How’s that for Miss Pathetic Little Vault Dweller?

Virgil let out a huff before turning around and moving towards a large wooden pallet covered with several tires. He sat down on them, and a loud creaking noise rattled against the walls surrounding them. “Nevermind how nearly impossible it is to get into the Institute, even if you were to succeed, it would most certainly end in your immediate death. What reason could you possibly have for taking that kind of risk?”

Nik took another step towards him, feeling the gravity of her situation more intimately again as she spoke on it out loud.

“I’m trying to find my son. The Institute kidnapped him.”

Virgil lowered his head knowingly. “Oh… oh, no. I had no idea. I’m sorry. Yes, the Institute has taken people from the Commonwealth in the past. If your son is one of them, I can understand why you’d want to get in there.” He paused, then looked at her again. “I can help, but I’m going to need something in return.”

“Of course you do,” Nik said, smiling spitefully. Her attention fell on MacCready for a moment, and she found him wiping the eyes of his helmet clean with the sleeve of his shirt. She turned back to Virgil. “What do you want from me?”

“Before I had to escape, I was working on a serum that would serve as a cure for my… condition. I wasn’t able to bring it with me. It’s still in my lab. And, well… look at me,” he said, seemingly begging as his deep voice cracked with emotion. Nik hadn’t considered the horror of what it must be like to morph into a super mutant until this moment, given every other super mutant she had encountered was blinded by orders to steal, eat, and kill. Seeing Virgil educated her perspective, and it made her heart ache; he was but another human casualty of mankind’s greed.

Virgil continued. “I need it. I need you to find it for me if you manage to get inside. What do you say?”

Nik sighed, unable to squash her sympathy. “You help me, I’ll help you.”

“Alright… alright. Let’s talk details. First things first, you know how synths get in and out of the Institute?”

“Teleportation,” she answered, crossing her arms.

“Well, well. Not many know about it. Pretty closely guarded secret. You’ve certainly done your homework. It’s commonly referred to as the molecular relay. I don’t understand all the science behind it, but it works; dematerializes you in one place, rematerializes you in another. I’m sure it sounds crazy, but it’s a reality.”

The memory of Shaun leaving Diamond City with that strange man entered her mind in a startling flash of white and blue.

“I know it is. I’ve seen it.”

“Have you now? Well, that relay is the only way in and out of the Institute, you understand? Means you’re going to have to use it. Now. Have you ever seen an Institute courser?”

“Um… I don’t know,” Nik said nonchalantly, mentally preparing for whatever her next impossible quest was.

“Another Institute secret. They’re synths, specifically designed to be hunters. Operations go wrong, a synth goes missing, a courser is dispatched. They’re very good at what they do, and you’re going to have to kill one.”

“Why, are they embedded with some kind of homing chip?”

“Well… more or less, yes. How did you…? Nevermind. Every courser is equipped with a special hardware that gives them a constant connection to the relay in the Institute. It’s embedded in a chip in their heads, like you said. You need that chip. I don’t know exactly where to find a courser, but I can tell you how to hunt one down.”

“I’d appreciate it,” she said, beginning to fidget nervously at the thought of more violent encounters with an unfamiliar threat.

She considered that memory again; was the man that relayed Shaun to the Institute a courser? He had to be. That explained his inhuman tone of voice and ridiculous trenchcoat.

“The primary insertion point for coursers is in the ruins of CIT, directly above the Institute, so you’ll want to head there first.”

“The… the Institute is below CIT?” she asked, eyes wide with emotion as her chest began to heave. For the first time in over a month, she had the slightest idea where her baby was. Before the emotions of the revelation could sweep her away, Virgil continued to talk.

“Yes. Now, the relay causes some pretty heavy interference all across the FM spectrum. You got a radio?”

“I th–”

“If not, find one. When you get to the ruins, tune it to the lower end of the band and listen in. You’ll be able to hear the interference. Follow the signal, and it’ll lead you to a courser. Then you just have to… not get killed.”

Nik blinked. “What do I do with the chip once I get it?”

“Well… I would say bring it to me, but, I have limited resources here. There was only so much I could manage to grab before I…”

“I understand,” Nik replied, sighing heavily. “I think I might know where to go.”

 Virgil nodded once. “Just, be careful. I can imagine this mission of yours, or the information surrounding it itself, could possibly jeopardize whoever you choose to get involved. Consider a more… private source, for lack of a better term.”

Nik inhaled sharply as she thought of MacCready. Just like that, her paranoia was confirmed; she didn't have to worry about putting him in danger. She already had, the moment she hired him.

She dismissed the thought with a quick shake of the head, then nodded thoughtfully, her mind quickly considering the Railroad before Virgil spoke again.

“Remember what I said about the serum. I need it. Badly.”

“I will do what I can. I suppose it’s the least I could do, since you decided to talk to me instead of killing us when we barged in,” she said, eyeing the protectron that had been posted in a corner of the cave the entire time. “Can you tell me anything about where it is within the Institute?”

“The Bioscience wing. That’s where I was working. You’ll know you’re close once you begin to reach rooms that look nothing like the rest of them.”

Nik cocked an eyebrow, curious as to what he meant by that. Before she could inquire further, Virgil stood, dominating the space once again. “I… I really do hope you find what you’re looking for.”

Virgil seemed to look the two over, both appearing worn out and overwhelmed from what he should have easily assumed was an eventful journey to his hiding spot. 

“Been a while since I’ve spoken to anyone… normal. Feel free to take a moment before you leave. My protection is programmed to fire at thieves, so. Do with that what you will.”

“Thanks, Virgil,” she said with a smirk, then looked around for a place to rest. 

Sitting on the ground against the cave wall was MacCready, arms on top of his raised knees, head tilted backwards with his eyes closed. She noticed the blood on his face again and sighed, moving to the storage compartment of his suit to retrieve a rag, bandage, and some alcohol.

“Don’t bother,” he said from beneath her, eyes barely open as she held the supplies in her hands. “I don’t want to have to pay you for it.”

Nik rolled her eyes and shook her head as she sat beside him.

“How’s your vision?” she asked, gauging whether or not he was concussed as she dabbed the rag with alcohol.

“Fine,” he replied, unmoving. “Ricocheted myself a little when I hit the wall. I’m fine.”

Nik raised the rag to his head and began to clean the blood away. The only sound in the cave was Virgil pressing on the keys of a terminal– occasionally interrupted by grunts of frustration– and the protectron making slow steps back and forth within the center of the room. 

MacCready’s slow breathing was audible given how close to him she was, and she had a hard time ignoring it.

Nik applied more alcohol to the rag before moving to the wound near his hair line. He winced, hissing through his teeth lightly as his eyes closed again. She raised a tentative hand to his chin to steady him as she examined the size of the gash. His lips faintly parted at her touch before he quickly sealed them shut, while she felt that kind of rush of adrenaline one gets when they do something they’re not supposed to.

“It’s small. Should close up on its own,” she said, plastering a small adhesive bandage to the wound. MacCready sighed as her hands fell away.

“Great. How much do I owe you?”

Nik held her eyes shut for a moment before she stood, returning the supplies to storage. Removing two cans of water, she lowered one beside MacCready while moving to the other end of the cave to sit and drink her own.

As she stared at the rocky ceiling, she thought to herself.

Courser. CIT. Radio.

Chip from the head. She’s done that before.

Take it to Amari? Find the Railroad?

Should’ve brought my journal.

Maybe MacCready will remember.

If MacCready stays.

MacCready.

She sighed deeply before pulling her gaze downwards and forced herself to look at him. His eyes were still closed, open can of water sitting loosely in his hand, legs crossed as his bandaged head hung low. She recalled how he sat in a similar position at the top of the monument, and how kind he was to follow her up such an absurdly tall building, just to see if she was okay. How he put his needs on hold to buy her something to eat, only to end up giving her the exact kind of comfort she needed after opening up to him about the worst day of her ‘before-times’ life.

Just as quickly, she felt the warmth of his breath on her neck and she exhaled sharply, quickly turning her head towards the super mutant in the corner of the room to remind her of her situation. 

The contrast between reality and daydream was stark, and it immediately pulled her back down to earth.

She was being selfish, and there would be more than one soul to suffer for it.

It didn’t matter if she wanted MacCready. It didn’t matter if, in that moment in the Third Rail, she wanted to sink into his arms and stay there forever.

It didn’t matter if she wanted to know his first name, or wanted to meet Duncan, or wanted to share vodka from the same bottle while they read together.

It didn’t matter if she wanted to smell him, or touch him…

It didn’t matter.

It didn’t matter, because it distracted her. It distracted her from rescuing her son.

It didn’t matter, because it put MacCready in danger. It was only a matter of time before he got hurt because of her, just like everyone else had.

If it happened to him, a friend she hadn’t felt such a kinship to since Mary… she was almost certain she would destroy the remainder of what the bombs missed.

She couldn’t risk it. He was too precious to her.

Not for her, when she so clearly wasn’t worth it.

He was thoughtful, smart, compassionate, quick-witted and hilarious. Skilled with a gun. Tall, fit, and absurdly easy on the eyes. Chiseled jaw, sharp nose, soft brown hair and profound green eyes.

He would find someone worthy of his energy. It could never be her, and she had to accept it.

On the other side of the cave, MacCready breathed slowly, repeating songs from the radio in his head to distract himself from the tangible, overbearing sorrow slowly swallowing him whole.

He didn’t want to be alone.

There, in that cave, forcing himself to pretend he didn’t feel her eyes on him, he might as well have been.