Chapter Text
“Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen?
Time went on for everybody else, she won't know it
She's still 23 inside her fantasy
How it was supposed to be
Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion?
Break-ups happen every day, you don't have to lose it
She's still 23 inside her fantasy
And you're sitting in front of me”
—
Four Weeks Later and The Many Years Before
The worst thing that ever happened to Richard Harkness happened when he was eleven years old.
Losing his father was earth shattering, and he really struggled. His mom helped, and he was allowed to grieve how he needed to. But it was still awful. All consuming.
Luckily, the best thing that ever happened to Richard Harkness happened only eight months later.
At twelve Richie felt like he knew everything about the world. He was the only one of his friends to have lost a parent, and his mom didn’t have the habit of hiding information from him and she encouraged his love of reading. She also trusted him to fly on his own—under the watchful eyes of a stewardess—to visit his cousins in Washington for a week.
So yeah, Richard Harkness, freshly twelve years old, dealing surprisingly well with his father’s suicide, sixth grader reading at a twelfth grade level, and the best behaved unaccompanied minor that Brenda at Delta airlines had ever seen, arrived at his cousins house thinking he knew it all.
He did not.
His cousin Ray kept talking about his friend Billy and all the plans they had for the summer. Specifically the rest of the summer once Richie went back home. Richie was insanely jealous.
He was used to being the center of the world to the adults in his life, especially in the wake of his father’s death. But his aunt and uncle were busy and were mostly used to trusting Ray and Curley to entertain themselves. Curley was only nine, and felt like an absolute baby to Richie. Ray, while not outright cruel to Richie, was self obsessed and oblivious in the way all thirteen-year-olds are, and didn’t really care that much about his younger cousin.
Richie hated this Billy kid who was keeping his cousin from paying attention to him.
Then Richie saw Billy. And that was it.
The best thing that ever happened to Richard Harkness was meeting Billy Stebbins.
He didn't have the words for it then, and even looking back he wouldn’t have said he loved Billy from the first time he saw him, but his world definitely shifted in that moment.
Billy had only come over for dinner one night at the end of the week and Richie felt something he’d never felt before, shy. He didn’t say a word to anyone the whole meal, let alone to Billy, who surely didn’t spare a second thought to the awkward kid sitting in the opposite direction as Ray. But Billy and Ray talked nonstop and Richie thought Billy was so cool. He wasn’t worried about crushes or attraction yet, but wow, Billy was cool.
He had a dirt bike that he had rebuilt on his own, he liked horror novels, and talked like someone way older than he was.
His aunt and uncle treated Billy like he was one of their kids, unlike Richie who felt like everyone was treating him like he was made of glass. Maybe he had been. He’d certainly done his fair share of cracking under pressure in the years that followed.
Richie visited the next year, and had similarly shell shocked reactions to seeing Billy. He silently drank up everything the older boy said.
At thirteen, now a seventh grader whose English teacher gave him a new novel to read every week, highly intelligent, and has stopped showing interest in the social activities he once did—I’d suggest taking him to see a psychologist, Richie felt like he had changed a lot over the year since he’d last seen Billy.
Richie actually did hang out with him and Ray a few times that summer, but never outside the house. He knew he didn’t make much of an impression. Richie probably hadn’t said more than ten words total to Billy the entire week, but just being in his orbit was enough.
The third and final summer he spent a week at Ray’s house, Richie finally found his voice.
At fourteen, now an eighth grader reading at a college level, a gifted writer, and places low value in filling his own needs and is self-sacrificing to a level that makes me worry about Richard’s mental health. Richie had a much better handle on his emotions regarding Billy.
He had a crush. A crush he thought about constantly. Even during the rest of the year he spent away from Washington, his crush on Billy always stayed at the back of his mind.
He had other crushes of course as he struggled with his sexuality, but every time he tried to deny to himself that he was gay, there was always Billy.
When he showed up that third summer Billy could drive, which again made Billy so cool. He had purchased his truck which was not running yet. Every time Richie looked across the street Billy was leaning over the engine, or his feet were sticking out from under the truck.
Ray and Billy had also both come out during that year, and Richie was awed by how casual they were about it. Richie had hardly accepted his own sexuality in his head. It took him two more years to finally come out to his mom, and another year after that to come out at school. Billy had a painfully obvious crush on Ray, which Richie chose to ignore. Especially because acknowledging it meant he would have to acknowledge how obvious his own crush on Billy was. Still, seeing Ray and Billy be so open had helped settle something in him.
Billy was over all the time hanging out with Ray. And Richie was there too, probably being annoying. But he was there.
Looking back on it Richie was mortified at his behavior, following Billy around like a lost puppy, but clearly it had not made an impression on Billy because he never remembered it. Even when everything went to shit.
—
“How is Billy’s brother doing?”
“You seem sad honey.”
“Of course you can stay with us Richard, we just thought you’d be staying with Billy.”
“There's no shame in going back on medication if you need to.”
—
“Step into it brothers,” Gary called out from the front of their group. “We've got less than an hour, who wants to race me to the Space Needle?”
Ray scoffed where he walked between Pete and Richie near the back of the group. Collie locked eyes with Richie for like the fifth time since they’d started walking, and then looked back toward the front of the group where Billy was walking next to his brother.
“Everyone keeps looking at me,” Richie sighed.
Ray patted Richie on the back. “It’s only because they’re confused. I can’t for the life of me figure out why you and Billy didn’t tell anyone you’re taking a break. But now you’ve got to deal with the consequences of people staring.”
“Big secret when he told both you and Pete.”
Pete chuckled. “He only told Ray. Stebbins can’t keep anything from Ray, but Ray can’t keep anything from me, so here we are.”
Richie didn’t really know what had compelled him not to tell anyone. It’s not like they had discussed it.
First it had just seemed like a bad dream, like maybe they would make up. Was this even a fight? But then a week had passed without Billy trying to reach out to him, and then two, and by that point the month was practically already over. What if they got back together at New Years and then Richie had to go back and tell everyone actually everything is back to normal now? A panicked reaction to something that was awful, and was almost so much worse. It would be a moment that tested their relationship and they would tell people about years later with a sort of fondness about how much they had gone through together as a couple.
Richie hadn’t really considered that things wouldn’t go back to normal. Or rather every time the thought crossed his mind he refused to entertain it.
He was now though.
In a mirror of the previous year, Richie flew into Washington the day before New Years. He’d spent the night with his family. Which had been the first big hurtle. Of course his aunt and uncle were confused by him asking to stay with them. Curley had been confused as well, because how could Curley not know if something was up. Surely Billy would have told his brothers, and by extension Rank would have told Curley. But no, it seemed Billy had told only Ray, and Richie couldn’t even blame him because he was being just as much of a coward about it.
No one knew. Well, people could tell something was up. Rhys had been hounding him to talk about whatever was bothering him. And he could tell his mom wanted to help, but didn’t want to overstep. No one knew why Richie was so closed off.
Which in turn had made being his parents' only touch point for what was going on with Gary a bit awkward. Why wouldn’t Richie know how his boyfriend’s brother was doing? So Richie had just avoided their house for the last month. Christmas had been awkward, but everyone picked up pretty quickly that he didn’t want to talk about Billy.
“You two should really just talk,” Pete said.
“Besides, isn't this your day?” Ray asked. “You two always end up having some sort of romantic revelation on New Years.”
Richie shrugged like he hadn’t thought about that. He wasn’t really sure what their anniversary was—or would have been—it could have been the day before, that was when they had first kissed. But they hadn’t actually defined anything until the first.
“I know,” Richie said. “Part of me is frustrated at how he’s acting, but I also know him and—” I’m always the one doing the chasing. “I just feel like I need to let him come to me, he’s been going through a lot.”
Pete and Ray shared a look, but they stopped interrogating him, and broke off to walk with their friends.
Luckily there were enough people around them that there was a bit of a buffer. Collie and Jan were with them, as was Gary, which kind of shocked Richie. Weirdly enough Curley and Rank weren’t there. But they were both still under twenty-one and elected to stay behind in favor of hosting the regular barn party.
Rank was about to transfer to NYU—partly due to Richie talking about how much he liked it there—which probably made the two of them want to have one last hurrah before Rank left.
There had been a point where Richie was looking forward to checking up on his boyfriend’s younger brother while he was far away from home.
Ray and Pete had three friends up from California. Art, Hank, and Clementine. The three of them and Richie, were all staying in the Garraty house. Not to mention Pete. It had been a lot of people under one roof. But Richie truly had nowhere else to stay.
He hadn’t asked Billy, hadn’t even tried to reach out to him. He didn’t trust himself not to just fall into bed with Billy and avoid the issue. And they actually needed to talk.
Now that he was walking in a group with Billy pointedly not looking at him, Richie was pretty sure he had nothing to worry about. There was no way Billy would have wanted Richie to stay with him, let alone touch him.
Laughter erupted from up ahead and Richie caught Clementine scrunching her nose at Hank who pulled his fiancé closer to him and planted a kiss on her neck.
“You four are incorrigible.” Clementine said to Hank, Art, Pete, and Ray. She rolled her eyes and hooked her arm into Jan’s and pulled her out to walk at the front of the group, passing Billy and Gary.
“Stebbins, settle an argument for me,” Ray loudly called out, drawing Billy into their conversation.
“I don’t know how fair that will be,” Hank piped up. “From the way McVries talks I would expect you to die rather than disagree with Garraty.”
“I’ll make it anonymous.” Ray said.
“Did you notice neither of them deny it?” Pete smirked.
The perfectly stoic mask that Billy almost always wore, at least around everyone but Ray and Richie—maybe just Ray now—slipped for a moment and Richie felt his heart flutter at the small smile that tugged at the side of Billy’s mouth. He liked earning that smile. He wished it was him earning that smile.
“What the fuck is up with you two?”
Richie jumped. Gary had appeared next to him.
“Jesus, Gary.”
He hadn’t even noticed Gary dropping back to walk next to him. Gary looked at him expectantly.
“Nothing,” Richie said. He glanced at Gary, his eyes flicked down to the visible scars from stitches on Gary’s neck and then back up to his eyes. Three thin pink lines, bracketed by small dots where the sutures had once been.
“Sorry,” Richie said, knowing Gary had just watched him very obviously take in his injury.
“It’s fine,” Gary said with a shrug, “Not like I can easily hide them.”
Richie almost offered the scarf that was around his neck, but if he knew anything about Gary, it was that no one made him do anything. If he wanted to hide his scars, he would have.
Richie took in the rest of the group walking ahead of them. He’d only talked to Ray’s friends from California a few times before this trip, but they seemed nice. Being squished in the same house the previous night had forced quick acquainting.
Hank and Clementine were in the guest room, while he and Art had slept on couches in the living room.
Richie watched Art break off from the main group to go walk next to Collie. Richie didn’t even know they knew each other. Granted, he’d only been at the Garraty house for one night, but he hadn’t seen them talk to each other all night.
“Everyone is avoiding me,” Gary said suddenly, “Honestly the only person not avoiding me is Billy. But I think that has more to do with you than with me.”
“Don’t say that, he loves you,” Richie insisted.
“Of course he does, we’re brothers. But we were never going to be best friends. I accepted that a long time ago.”
Richie didn’t know how to respond to that. He couldn’t refute it, because Richie had seen them do little else but fight.
“Do you want to walk with me for a while?” Gary asked after another minute had passed in silence. “Everyone is avoiding us already, might as well be avoided together.”
“Sure, Gary. Thanks.”
Gary lifted one shoulder like it wasn’t a big deal.
“Is he okay?” Richie asked.
Gary glanced at him before following his eyeline to Billy. “Don’t you know?”
“No. We haven't talked since—” Richie cut himself off. He didn't need to draw attention to everything falling apart on Thanksgiving. "No, I don't."
Gary lifted his shoulder in a shrug again and said, “He always was a grumpy fuck, but he does seem grumpier than normal.” Gary paused before giving Richie a quick glance and adding, “especially today.”
Richie nodded to himself. He needed to give Gary more credit, he could be surprisingly observant when he wanted to be.
“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but—” Gary trailed off, like he wasn’t sure he wanted to finish the sentence.
“You can ask.”
“What did he do?”
Richie let out a surprised laugh. “Why do you assume it was him?”
“Because if you actually did something wrong he’d be way angrier, and he wouldn’t be staring at you every time he thinks he can get away with it.”
Sure enough, when Richie looked back at the gaggle of walkers in the middle of the group, Billy was looking over his shoulder at them. He of course snapped his head back to focus on whatever Ray was saying, but he didn’t last long.
Richie watched Billy’s shoulders creep up and then fall as he looked up at the sky. Then he stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and was looking back at Richie.
Richie felt a strange panic at that. Billy needed to keep walking, or Richie needed to stop so he didn’t catch up to him. He’d been wishing Billy would just talk to him all evening, but now faced with that real possibility he felt a pit in his stomach.
I’m not ready, a desperate part of Richie thought.
“Speak of the devil,” Gary mumbled, then he kept walking, sidestepping his brother.
Richie didn’t stop walking, and Billy fell in step beside him.
—
“Better.”
“I’m not. I’m just stressed with work.”
“Everything is still so crazy with Gary, I don’t want to impose.”
“I know that. It just makes me feel so foggy.”
—
He didn’t see Billy again for three years after those summers spent in Washington. In that time Richie’s depression had settled into a kind of low numbness that blanketed a lot of his life. Richie was a good actor though. Smart and good at reading people he was able to hide it for a long time.
Things got better once he started coming out to people, and his mom insisted that he go to therapy and eventually go on medication. But there was an ever present gloom at the back of Richie’s mind that scared him. Especially with what his dad had done. So he tried his best to hide it and not worry his mom.
In that same span of time, he also went on dates and even had a boyfriend his junior year of high school. He might have been able to get over Billy eventually if it wasn’t for him and his mom going to the Garraty’s house for Christmas his senior year.
That trip had sealed things. Before then, Billy was a crush Richie had, after that Billy was the crush Richie had.
When Billy had walked into Ray’s room all annoyed and gruff, Richie felt like he had turned into that shy twelve year old all over again. But things had changed, no longer was Richie an invisible little kid, he was old enough to think he might actually have a shot.
And for the first time Billy was actually interested in talking to Richie.
Sure, it was mostly just polite conversation and actually acknowledging that Richie was even in the room with him, but Richie ate up every second of it.
Sitting around a bonfire at his cousin’s house talking with just Billy, leaning close to each other, there was more than one time Richie thought about kissing Billy. Not that he ever would have acted on it. He was too wrapped up in doing everything in his power to get Billy to like him to risk it all on something as fleeting as a kiss.
Billy had picked up on his stress. Never the flirting. But he caught Richie's overthinking and anxiety. Called him a rabbit. Richie didn't think that was an apt description then, and he certainly didn't now. Billy was far more likely to bolt at the first sign of trouble than Richie ever was.
Embarrassingly, Richie really did think Billy was flirting with him the following year. Between hanging out multiple times just the two of them and sitting together during a movie screening in the barn it had felt like they actually were on the same page. Billy had put his arm around Richie—well, on the back of the couch, but at the time it really did feel like flirting. Richie had certainly been flirting. Obviously, he thought.
Really—and Richie had told him this later—Billy was absolutely oblivious when it came to people flirting with him. He’d never had a relationship before Richie and Richie was convinced that had everything to do with Billy not picking up on flirting cues. There was no way other people hadn’t tried to get with him. Richie was just more persistent.
After Ray had shot Richie’s flirting attempts down as one sided and Billy had loudly fought with Ray—declaring that Richie didn’t have a crush on him—Richie knew he would have to make it clear as crystal if he ever got the chance to see Billy again.
Richie could not have told you where he got the courage to be as forward as he was in Billy’s truck. Maybe it was years of pent up attraction. He didn’t want to look too closely at it because he found himself leaning over a seated Billy, absolutely certain they were about to kiss when they were caught by Billy’s father. He couldn’t even be upset by that because they had actually talked about their mutual attraction and then they were exchanging copies of his favorite book, one new, one annotated.
He was disappointed at the thwarted New Year’s kiss, someone would only need to look at Billy for a moment to understand that. But Richie had waited this long for Billy, he could wait a little longer.
That year was a rough one for Richie because Billy Stebbins was a horrible communicator.
Eventually Richie learned to not take it too personally, but getting to that point took a lot of trial and error on Richie’s part.
After the first two or three times of being left on read for multiple days Richie stopped worrying trying to get Billy to talk to him, and fell back into old patterns.
The last two weeks of December could be Billy’s but Richie wasn’t going to sit around waiting for someone who didn’t want him. Or at least wasn’t going to put in the effort when Billy wasn’t either.
He wasn't a monk in between visits. He lived in a big city and had a friend group that was entirely queer, they went out a lot. He went on dates, even sometimes multiple dates with the same person. He slept with people. He really did try to see if he could get over Billy.
And it wasn't like he wasn't attracted to the guys he hooked up with. They just weren't Billy.
Richie didn’t really know what possessed him to date while trying to figure Billy out. It was absolutely not fair to the guys he dated. But Billy was frustrating to try and understand sometimes and Richie was so used to trying to ignore his crush on Billy during the rest of the year that it seemed normal enough to go on a few dates.
Then a few turned into quite a few. Richie knew it was turning into something more than casual.
Scramm was the one who broke off their summer…romance? fling? Richie wasn’t all that torn up about it.
They still followed each other on Instagram, Richie was pretty sure he was engaged now to a girl named… Cat? Catherine? Cathy? Something like that. Richie was happy for him.
He did learn a few things from dating Scramm. He proved to himself that Billy was what he wanted. He knew the distance would be hard. That giving up the chance of having a normal relationship with someone he could see all the time would be difficult. He found that he didn’t care. It didn’t matter that Scramm had been close by and available, he wasn’t Billy.
He didn’t want easy. He wanted Billy. He tried with Scramm, he did. But even with Billy on the other side of the country his heart wasn’t in it.
The rest of the year had gone a bit smoother on the Billy-being-a-bad-communicator front. As soon as Richie stopped hanging out with Scramm, Billy started messaging him back much quicker. Richie had not intended to make Billy jealous by dating someone—if anything he had assumed it would make things more awkward—but obviously making him jealous wasn’t something Richie was going to look a gift horse in the mouth about.
Around the same time they started talking regularly again, his mom got engaged and that hindered the whole situation. Not going to Washington for Christmas presented a bit of a problem for Richie because of course that was when things had started to get distinctly flirty with Billy.
His mom was happy, and he liked Rhys well enough, though he didn’t know him all that well.
But this was finally, FINALLY, going to be the year something happened between him and Billy. He was sure of it; and he wasn’t going to let a silly little thing like not being in Washington for Christmas derail that.
So he emptied his bank account and bought round trip tickets to spend barely more than two days in Washington.
Things went better than Richie could have ever hoped for. Billy was finally on the same page as him. And once they kissed the first time they both seemed determined to make the most of the time they had together. Sure, he literally broke his ankle in the process, but he also had more than one desperate kiss from the guy he’d been crushing since he was a kid. He’d fallen asleep in Billy’s arms. They’d decided to try, Richie could handle whatever else happened after that.
—
“You seem to be placing a lot of weight on this job.”
“My job? Sure, I guess. It’s all I’ve wanted for a really long time. Since I was a kid.”
—
They only made it another block before Pete forced them all to make a pit stop at a coffee shop.
“I’m not going to take a leak while walking, come on.”
Billy hadn’t said anything, but then again neither had Richie. They were locked in a kind of liminal standoff. The group of them all gathered to one side of the door. Richie and Billy stopped a few feet away.
Hank had also disappeared into the shop with Pete, leaving Clementine still talking with Jan, and Ray to look at Billy and Richie only for a moment before opting to go stand awkwardly next to Gary.
“Do you need to go in?” Billy asked.
Richie let out a small puff of air before answering, “no.”
Billy nodded to himself and shoved his hands into his jacket pockets.
Richie leaned against the wall next to the front window of the coffee shop. The light spilling out of it bathed Billy in a warm glow as he stared up the street toward their eventual goal of the Seattle Center. Billy looked at his phone before announcing, “We only have forty minutes, we should get a move on.” He said it like he was announcing it to the entire group.
Who are you even kidding Billy? Everyone else is too far away to hear you. “We’re like a block away, we’ll be fine.”
Billy had the audacity to look surprised when Richie responded, as if he could have been talking to anyone else.
Richie shook his head.
“What?” Billy asked.
“So you’re talking to me now?”
“It wasn’t about not talking to you. I needed time.”
“And you got it. The least you could do is not ignore me now.”
“I’m not ignoring you.”
“Okay,” Richie said sarcastically.
Billy took a deep breath, and took a step like he was going to walk away from Richie. The anger bled out of Richie in an instant and he pushed off the wall, intent on following Billy—or stopping him, he wasn’t sure. But before he could even take a step Billy had turned back around to face him.
“I don’t know what to say,” Billy said. And there was regret in Billy’s tone, which was all Richie needed right then. Just some sign that Billy was even thinking about him at all.
“Me either.” Richie sighed and shook his head. “How’s Gary doing?”
Billy closed his eyes for a second as he started talking. “Oh, he um. He quit his job and moved back in with my parents. But he’s doing better.”
Richie didn’t miss that Billy said parents, not my Mother and Step-Father, his parents. He didn’t think he’d ever heard Billy do that.
“That’s good. I was worried.” Richie regretted adding that last bit as soon as he said it and saw Billy’s jaw clench for a split second. “Sorry, I know you had a lot going on.”
Richie watched an impressive mixture of emotions cross Billy’s face. There was something Richie had always really appreciated about being able to read Billy when other people couldn’t. Or perhaps more accurately, when Billy hid his emotions from everyone but Richie. Seeing his facial expression end on something like resolve, Richie knew things had changed.
“Can I hug you?’ Billy asked.
Richie huffed out a laugh, still a little annoyed, but mostly shocked. How could they be back at this point again? Tip toeing around each other like something might shatter if one of them moved too fast.
They needed to talk, but Richie couldn’t deny that he really did just want to feel Billy’s arms around him. Billy took one step forward, and so did Richie.
He could see it in Billy’s eyes, the resolve there was reluctant, but it was steadfast. They weren’t getting back together.
When they were as close as they could get without touching, Richie finally answered Billy’s question. “Yeah.”
Billy wrapped his arms around Richie’s shoulders and hugged him tightly. Richie leaned his forehead against Billy’s chest and he stood there just enjoying the feeling of being held by Billy, until he finally hugged Billy in return.
“I—”
“Just wait,” Richie interrupted, his face still buried in the fabric of Billy’s coat. Something in him settled. This was it, but he still needed to be a little selfish. “I know what you’re going to say. But can you just give me until midnight?”
Billy’s arms tightened around him but the rest of his body relaxed, melting into the hug. He pressed his lips into Richie’s hair and whispered, “okay.”
Hank and Pete exited the coffee shop to a flurry noise and laughter. Richie was content to ignore whatever was going on with the rest of the loose group of friends and acquaintances, he didn’t want this hug to end.
Unfortunately, the laughter quickly erupted into shouts and Pete distinctly saying, “come on, man,” over other shouts of outrage.
Richie and Billy broke apart to find a confusing mix of people standing toe to toe with a group of strangers. Shockingly, Collie was standing between his twin and one of the men. Art was next to him, his hands up like he was trying to calm the situation.
Behind them Clementine was pulling lightly on Jan’s hand to move her further away from the tense situation, while Hank was worriedly looking from Jan to the strangers and back to Jan. He asked her a question but Richie couldn’t hear what it was.
Billy and Richie locked eyes for a moment and then they were both walking over. They passed Hank, Clementine, and Jan who had backed up further from the commotion.
“Seems pretty simple to me. Just repeat what you said.” Collie stood with his hands on his hips, staring down the group. Particularly one guy, as the rest of the group seemed like they were not interested in backing up their friend.
“Come on, it was a joke.”
“A joke at the expense of my sister,” Collie spat back.
“Collie, it’s not worth it,” Jan said from where she was still standing with Hank and Clementine.
Collie nodded at his sister and took a step back. Richie had never known Collie to be the type of person to be quick to anger. He could be a bit prickly, sure, but never violent. Richie had only met Art the day before, but they’d shared the Garraty living room and he seemed like a fairly easy going guy. Which was why the following sequence of events was so shocking.
The guy Collie had been confronting said something Richie couldn’t hear. Collie paused and let out a slow breath.
“Fuck it,” Collie said, before he turned around and landed a punch directly in the center of the guy’s face. His head snapped back and he staggered backward into one of his friends.
Two of the strangers who had been unwilling to back up their ass-hole of a friend a moment ago rushed Collie. One shoved Collie back by the shoulders, the other caught him in the gut.
Everyone was moving then, but Art was the only person close enough to actually do anything.
He pushed the man who had punched Colie, which earned him a hit of his own, this one squarely across Art’s face.
It was all over in a matter of seconds, and by the time Richie and Billy made it to where Art and Collie were both clutching wounded body parts, Pete was already saying, “let’s all calm down and go our separate ways, how about that?”
Ray had a hand on the chest of the guy who had punched both Art and Collie, like he was holding him back, though neither man seemed particularly eager to pursue any more fighting.
The group of strangers was already retreating, the original instigator failing to keep blood from pouring down his face. It looked like he had had his nose broken by Collie.
“Yeah, walk the fuck away! Cocksuckers!” Gary yelled after them.
Ray shushed him.
Billy shrugged at Richie. There was a fondness in his smile he didn’t normally see Billy display toward his brother.
Billy walked over to Collie, who waved off his concern.
“What the hell happened?” Billy asked once the group of strangers had moved far enough away.
“He called Jan a—” Collie cut off his sentece. He didn't need to say it, they both knew. He spit on the ground like that could help wash the taste of that word out of his mouth.
Richie glanced back at Jan, who didn’t look particularly upset, but was still holding Clementine’s hand. “Asshole.”
“Yeah.” Collie laughed sardonically. “I was going to leave it be but he doubled down.”
“Jesus Christ,” Richie said. He could see the group disappearing around a corner.
“Should have hit him harder,” Billy said, patting Collie lightly on the shoulder. “How’s your stomach?”
“Fine,” Collie said with a huff. “Already feels mostly better. He didn’t get too clean of a hit.”
“Gave worse than you got, proud of you, Parker,” Billy said.
“Fuck off, Stebbins,” Collie said, rubbing lightly at his stomach.
Richie smiled at the two old friends riffing, clearly Collie would be alright. Billy had a small smile on his face too, then he looked at Richie and the smile turned sad. No. He wanted to earn those smiles, not be driving them away.
“My nose won’t stop bleeding.” The trio turned to find Art standing with his head tipped back, pinching his nose shut.
“Next time, don’t be a hero,” Clementine said with a smirk.
“Come on Clem,” Art said, embarrassment clear in his voice, which was taking on a nasal quality.
Collie gave Billy and Richie a small nod of thanks and then walked toward Art.
“You’re an idiot,” Jan said.
“Yeah, probably.” Collie gave his sister a quick hug. “You okay?”
Jan waved off his concern with a nearly identical motion to the one Collie had used to wave off Billy not two minutes before.
“Art?” Collie asked.
Art took his hand away from his nose and sniffed. There was a dark shine of half-dried blood down his lips and chin. A few drops of red were visible on the collar of his shirt.
“Ugh. It won’t stop.” Art titled his head back again and pinched his nostrils between two fingers.
“Come on.” Collie inclined his head toward the front door of the coffee shop. “Let's go get you cleaned up.”
Art nodded, still holding his nose, and followed after Collie.
“You all should go, we’ll catch up.” Collie said, holding the door open for Art.
“No. You’re hurt, we’ll wait.” Ray said immediately.
“No. You should go,” Collie repeated, emphatically. He gave Billy a pointed look.
“We’ll stay,” Billy said. He clearly meant him and Richie with the use of we, which only surprised Richie a little bit.
“But—” Ray started to say, but Billy cut him off.
“I’ve got it, Garraty. Go. We’ll be right behind you.” Billy leaned close to his best friend and said softly, “good luck.”
Ray nodded once and gave Billy a small smile before turning and loudly declaring they should go before they couldn’t get a good spot for the fireworks.
“Is Ray?” Richie asked once Collie and Art were inside and the rest of the group had made it a good way down the block.
Billy nodded and smiled in the direction “Yeah. He’s been a nervous wreck all week. Keeps asking me what he should do if Pete says no.”
Richie laughed.
“That’s been my response to him too.”
“Is he going to do it at midnight?”
Billy nodded. Richie watched his smile slowly fall before he turned his head to look away from Richie. He quickly swiped a palm across the cheek opposite from where Richie was standing. Billy coughed and he met Richie's concerned gaze again. It was clear he hoped Richie hadn’t caught what just happened.
Richie was about to ask Billy what was wrong when he said, “Sorry. I’m being a hypocrite."
Richie tilted his head in confusion. “How so?”
Billy looked up at the dark sky and took a deep breath. “Being upset when I’m the one ending things.”
Richie looked down at his hands, and picked at his nail bed. Ending things. No denying it now, even though there had barely been room to deny it before.
Richie knew he was about to sound like he was begging, but he couldn’t help it. “Then why are you?”
Billy opened his mouth like he was going to say something but then he shut it and shrugged one shoulder. For a brief moment he reminded Richie of Gary.
“Billy, please. I’m just confused,” Richie said. “Because you’re acting like someone is marching you at gun point towards a cliff. No one’s forcing you to do this. You can just not do it. You don’t have to walk off the edge.”
Yep. Begging.
“Is it your dad?”
Billy scoffed. “No.”
“Then what? I just want to understand.”
“I love you so much. But I’m not in a good place and I don’t think being apart from you so much is helping.”
Richie wanted to throw himself into Billy’s arms and never leave. He wanted to tell Billy about the editor at his work who doesn’t live in New York and just comes to the office every other month for a week. And how he thought he could pull something like that off if they just hold on for another year or so. He wanted to suggest Billy move to New York. He was going to hint at Thanksgiving before everything fell apart.
“I’ll move out here.” Richie said, before he could think better of it.
“Richie.” Billy said Richie’s name with all the fondness in the world, and Richie hated him for it. “You love New York. Your friends are all there. Your family. You have your dream job. I‘m not going to ask you to give all that up for me.”
My dream job, please. It's a stepping stone, maybe. “I would—”
“I know you would.” Billy grabbed one of Richie’s hands, halting his nail-picking. “Which is why I can’t put that on you.”
“Can you stop trying to make decisions for me Billy?” Richie asked, maybe a bit more harshly than he meant to. He yanked his hand away. It was amazing how much he wanted Billy to show him affection, but then as soon as he did, it just made Richie angry.
Billy looked a little dejected, but then he schooled his face like he always did when he was upset.
“Okay fine, I’m not happy. Me. I am not happy. I hate being on the other side of the country from you but I can’t move to New York. I can’t afford to keep flying out to see you and it’s not like you can be expected to shoulder that burden alone. Before you say it, I know you would, I don’t want you to have to.”
Richie almost protested again, but Billy pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes and Richie knew that meant he was trying not to spiral.
“I just don’t think this is healthy for me right now.”
Richie wanted to press him further, he wanted more concrete answers. Right now? Is there a later? Is this just another short break? Am I ever going to see you again after tonight?
“Okay.”
Richie let out a frustrated sigh, and looked into the coffee shop through the window.
Art looked mostly better. At the very least his nose was no longer bleeding. And his face was clean of dried blood.
Collie lifted a hand to Art’s chin, tilting his head from side to side to get a better look. The touch seemed to last just long enough for them both to realize it was no longer necessary, and then Collie was yanking his hand away and fleeing toward the door.
“I think they’re done,” Richie said.
“Hm?” Billy took his hands away from his eyes.
“Collie and Art.”
Billy turned to look as well and sure enough Collie was pushing open the door, Art close behind him.
“Everything okay?” Richie asked.
Collie didn’t say anything, just started walking toward their destination.
“Much better, thank you.” Art said brightly. And then he did a little jog to catch up to Collie.
Richie and Billy followed behind them, far enough that neither pair could hear the other’s quiet conversations.
“You should be pissed at me,” Billy said quietly when they’d been walking for another minute.
Richie scoffed. “I am, a bit.”
Billy nodded to himself, he looked miserable, so Richie grabbed his hand. Billy had given him until midnight, right? Why not give comfort while he could?
“But I can see how torn up about this you are. I don’t need to add to the pile.”
“No. See—” Billy huffed and took his hand back to push it through his hair. “That’s the problem Richie!”
He stopped walking and faced Richie, grabbing him by the shoulders. Not harshly, but like he was using them to steady himself.
“You give too much. I’m mad, and I know you are too, I don’t want you to feel like you can’t be mad at me.”
“What?” Richie asked, dumfounded.
“You’re mad at me—”
“No, I’m not.”
“—Richie, you just said you were! Yes you are!”
Collie and Art both glanced back at them, Billy’s raised voice drawing their attention, they paused a little up the sidewalk.
“You can’t just fold the moment I show even the slightest bit of pain.”
So you want me to be a dick to you when you’re already hurting? “I’m sorry.”
Richie knew it was the wrong thing to say as soon as it left his mouth. Especially because he was pissed. Billy was throwing away something that felt so right to him. But bringing that up in the midst of everything happening in Billy’s life felt so selfish.
Richie hated to admit it, but maybe Billy had a point.
Billy wasn’t mad anymore, Richie could see it in his eyes, there was only sadness and fear left.
Richie felt backed into a corner, but he also couldn’t help but what left his mouth next.
“Is there nothing I can say?” Richie asked, already knowing the answer.
Billy didn’t say anything for a long time. His hands tightened on Richie’s shoulders and his eyes darted to Richie’s lips and they both leaned in slightly. He wanted to kiss Billy so badly. But just as quickly Billy let go of Richie and inclined his head to where Collie and Art were still waiting.
“We should keep walking.”
Richie nodded, now he was resigned too.
I always knew you were the rabbit and not me. And now you’re going to run.
—
“The thing about placing all your hopes on a singular goal, is that when you finally get it, and it doesn’t fix you, you actually have to look at why you were so miserable in the first place.”
—
Being apart was hard, but Richie had also not been this happy in years. He went to school and his internship, he hung out with his friends, and he exchanged shirtless pictures with Billy within a week of leaving Washington.
They texted constantly, and talked on the phone almost every day.
Six months apart did not seem terribly long when they could actually talk to each other. Richie had gone a year or more between seeing Billy so many times that seeing him in the summer felt like he was getting away with something.
Richie’s mom was quite used to his variable moods by this point, and maybe that was part of the problem, they both settled into a good enough pattern because they both knew how bad it could get.
Rhys was a different story. He took Richie's mood leading up to the Christmas he and Richie got together at face value. If anything he probably thought it was more due to Richie having a problem with his mom getting married.
But after Richie came back from visiting Billy, and gaining a boyfriend in the process, Rhys was the person who really clocked the marked change in Richie.
Richie didn’t feel like he was acting that differently, but there was more than one occasion where a conversation had Rhys smiling at Richie and saying something like he seems good for you.
The wedding weekend had been both amazing and difficult. Richie was grateful they had the conversations they did, and he knew he had to start opening up to Billy more than he had been. But it was hard to reconcile the feelings he had as a kid with the ones he had now as an adult. And if Richie was honest, he was a little embarrassed at how long he’d had a crush on Billy. He felt a little like a stalker, and a lot like a liar every time he avoided the subject.
The issues of Richie’s long standing crush and his history with depression kept coming up. First at his parent’s wedding, and then when Richie visited Billy for his birthday.
Richie had already decided to talk to Billy about his depression when he came to visit for Thanksgiving. It had been slowly creeping back in. And flippantly Richie thought that his brain was just coming down from the figurative adrenaline rush it had gotten from getting together with Billy.
He knew it would be a tough discussion, especially with how long he’d been keeping it from Billy. He was nervous, because it was going to be hard, but he wasn’t actually scared.
Shit hit the fan in the most complete way, all at once. Of course Gary ending up in the hospital was shocking and scary, and Richie didn’t blame that for how wrong things went. In truth they had been slowly going wrong for a while, and that day had already made things more complicated, long before news of Gary reached them.
The month apart had been… rough. Which made Richie feel selfish for wanting something from Billy when he was worried about his brother. Of course then he would feel angry at Billy cutting him off so suddenly, and then back to sadness for not being more understanding.
Four weeks of that had Richie feeling equal parts angry and sad. Of course everyone noticed. His friends, his coworkers, his mom, his step-sisters. None of them pried too much. They all knew that when Richie got like this it was best to just let him keep his head down and wait for him to pull out of it.
Normally that was enough, the problem was no one knew he was actually dealing with a fairly messy, and only strictly speaking potential breakup.
Rhys didn’t have the history with him that most of the other people in his life did, so he refused to let Richie wallow in his misery. He reached out to Richie, and he would not give up.
Even when Richie told him to stop, Rhys kept hounding him to talk about it.
Richie didn’t tell him everything, and he suspected that Rhys thought he was actually talking about work troubles, not Billy, because why would he be this worked up over something to do with Billy? But Rhys did try to help. And it mattered that he tried.
The thing was, Rhys was unknowingly giving him the advice to let Billy go. Which Richie couldn’t entertain at that moment.
No matter how bad things were getting.
—
“Are you happy where you’re at?”
“I don’t know.”
“Right now, are you happy?”
“No.”
“Then why are you tearing yourself up over something that’s causing you pain? Let it go Richie, it’s not worth it.”
—
The walk to the Space Needle wasn’t that much further from where they had made their pitstop, and the four of them made it to where the rest of the group had carved out a little space in the crowds of people waiting for midnight.
Richie and Billy had walked with Collie and Art between them. Art didn’t know any better to notice that something was off, but Collie, who had been giving them both confused looks all night, ended up dropping back and calling Billy to walk with him, which had left Richie to walk next to Art.
Ray gave Richie a sad smile when he settled next to his cousin rather than go stand next to Billy and Collie.
The clock ticked ever closer to midnight and Ray became increasingly more nervous. Pete was talking with Hank, Clementine and Jan, while Ray stood silently behind him; he kept putting his hand in his pocket, clearly where he had the ring.
“You okay?” Richie quietly asked.
Ray breathed out heavily in something almost resembling a laugh and turned to wrap his cousin in a hug. Richie froze, because they did not have this kind of relationship. As cousins they had more of a…playful rivalry? Certainly not the type of cousins that comforted each other like this. Ray let Richie out of the tight hug and gave him a skeptical look.
“You’re asking me?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m happier than I’ve ever been.” Ray smiled and checked his watch, then leaned in and whispered, “give me three minutes and I’ll be even happier.”
Richie smiled at Ray, he couldn’t help but let his eyes flick over to Billy standing with Collie and Gary. When he looked back at Ray his mouth had pressed into a tight line. “Any progress?”
Richie shook his head and shrugged, struggling to keep it together. “I think it’s over.”
“Oh,” Ray said. He looked from Richie to Billy then to Pete still standing just a foot away then back to Richie. “Jesus Richie, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. We don’t have to get into it right now.” Richie inclined his head in Pete’s direction. “You’ve got other things to worry about.” He gave Ray what he hoped was a reassuring smile and walked toward Billy, Gary, and Collie. He got about halfway before he couldn’t move anymore.
The countdown started and Richie suddenly had flashes of the year before and pushing Billy down into couch cushions, unable to wait until midnight.
Richie looked at their group, starting to pair off with fifteen seconds to go. Ray and Pete were already looking into each other's eyes, seeming to enjoy the simple anticipation of their kiss. Ray still had his hand in his pocket.
Clementine and Jan were already kissing, which shocked Richie for a moment, but Hank looked plenty alright with the turn of events, watching them with a grin on his face, and Jan’s hand in his.
Art walked over to Collie with such determination that both Billy and Gary stepped away from him in opposite directions.
Richie heard Collie say, “Art?” before Art had pulled him into a kiss.
That one surprised Richie so much he forgot to not look to Billy for his reaction, which apparently was happening to Billy too because he was looking back at Richie with an equally shocked expression.
Billy closed the space between them and stood next to Richie. Ten seconds to go and of their friends, somehow only Ray and Pete were holding out for midnight.
“I did not clock that,” Billy said.
“Which one?” Richie asked, looking between the two kissing couples.
“Collie.”
The countdown ended and Richie couldn’t help but look up at Billy. Billy was already staring at him, of course he was.
Fireworks went off overhead, people cheered and sang and all around them people kissed.
Billy saw it in Richie’s eyes before Richie even got the question out. Just give me one last kiss? He put his hands on either side of Richie’s face and kissed him. It wasn’t heated, simply a press of lips together. But it felt warm and happy, and like coming home.
It erased all the tension he’d been holding onto for a month, and Richie wished he could tell his body not to get used to it, but he knew the crash afterwards would be bad.
It was hesitant and sweet and sad. It was a goodbye with no promise of a reunion.
Billy pulled back from the kiss first, and Richie almost reached up to pull Billy back into it, but he knew he shouldn’t.
Next to them Ray had kneeled to the ground and Pete was beaming down at him, he didn’t look all that surprised. Richie couldn’t hear what was being said over the fireworks, but Pete kept leaning down and interrupting Ray to kiss him. Ray powered through what he was saying though. Smiles on both their lips.
“Listen. Richie, I—”
“It’s okay, Billy,” Richie said, turning to glance up at Billy. “You need time, I get it.” Maybe I need time too.
Pete finally got Ray to stand up and hugged him. Ray held the ring box, the ring still nestled inside it awkwardly behind Pete’s back.
Billy smiled, but it fell quickly. “I don’t want you sitting around waiting for me. You don’t deserve that.”
I’ve been waiting for you my whole life, this isn’t any different. “Okay,” Richie said with a nod.
Maybe it was naïve to think that things would work out, but he had to believe that a decade of his life had not just been wasted pining after someone who was leaving him. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d taken for granted that someone would still be there.
If time had taught him anything, it was that they always found their way back to each other.
Richie had waited this long for Billy, he could wait a little longer.
“Happy New Year,” Billy said, giving Richie one last sad smile before he went back to stand by his brother.
“Happy New Year, Billy,” Richie said, but Billy was already too far gone to hear him.
—
“How’s the job going? Better?”
“Fine. That wasn’t the issue anyway.”
“Yeah... I had a feeling.”
—