Archive of Our Own

In a funny turn of events, I'm actually currently doing some in-person research for later in the month as I am posting this from the emergency room. Went out on a walk because apparently leaving your house is "healthy" or "recommended to avoid crippling depression" or something and then I got attacked by some kind of wild animal. Incredible amounts of triage people are coming in and out of this room to look at me and go hmmmmm like a minecraft villager and then leave without explanation.

The nurse who actually sewed up my arm seemed more weirded out by the fact that I got attacked when it wasn't the full moon and not by the whole wild toothed animals wandering around the woods attacking hapless college students thing. I'm picking up from context that the woods have a bit of a creature problem, which nobody bothered to warn the aforementioned hapless college students about. But good news, if you listen to what the hospital seemed to think, if the moon isn't full you should be totally safe and I was personally inconveniencing them by getting bitten at the wrong time. Just another instance of finessing the local social rules that I've performed.

Go check out Phil's fic too, he's been keeping me distracted with brainstorming for later in the month so he didn't get any sleep. He's also a pretty decent writer, which is definitely due to me betaing for him and not to him having a genuinely terrifying eye for angst.

See you tomorrow for another thrill a minute author's note. I have been looking at this poster about bite patterns on the wall for a full three hours and I think I've memorized it at this point. Really riveting content.

Sorry this chapter's a bit late, I overslept like crazy. When I woke up I was like where is my phone and why didn't it wake me, and it turns out my phone had gone off, and in my half-awake state I had gotten up and put my phone—alarm still ringing—in the fridge and then gone back to sleep. Fridges, as it turns out, are remarkably sound proof. This was of course great news for my class attendance, but I knew all that stuff already so it's all working out fine.

So up until recently I would have said that I have a face which people see and choose not to talk to. It's been working out great for me, I go about my life peacefully undisturbed. But first everyone in the hospital wanted to talk to me about the animal that attacked me and if I remembered anything or felt anything, and I had to be like no it was dark and mostly I experienced teeth in my flesh and for some reason this made them look more concerned, and now today people decided to talk to me in the actual grocery store? The newest place people go to socialize?

I was in the butcher's section, because I have a recent passionate interest in not becoming anemic, and this guy who looks like he goes to the gym as his main pastime walks up and says Welcome to the Pack. You could hear the capitals, I swear. And then he looks at me like I should know what that means. So I'm just standing there with a packet of markdown skirt steak in my hand like sir I appreciate the shoutout but I believe you have mistaken me for someone who has a social life. And then he gets menacing and tries to shove me back into the meat freezer, but I know how to duck, so I fended him off, and then he draws himself up and goes Show up and be Measured within Three Days or be Marked as a Rogue. Again, you could hear the capitals.

Anyways so I told him I'm really committed to my paragon run and I couldn't join his little club and he stormed off. Nobody else in the grocery store seemed to think this was weird! Leaving the house is for suckers, I tell you.

Typing this out using half of my right hand due to my outstanding physical skill and culinary prowess. But wait, Technoblade, I hear you ask. How has your cooking impacted your typing? Well let me tell you.

I've come up with a great way to cook steak lately, because I've developed a little bit of a—shall we say—hyperfixation on eating steak. You sear it in a pan with a little butter at high heat, and then you finish it off in the oven at a lower temperature. Fantastic, great finish on the steak, you can eat it for every meal. However, if you happen to get distracted, and then you are maybe on your phone while the pan is in the oven, and then the timer goes off and you are faced with the challenge of removing the pan from the oven, you might maybe think to yourself "oh right, when I need to move an object I grip it with my hand and thus the command moves from my brain to my arm to move the object" and then you reach out with your hand and firmly grip onto the pan that has been in the oven at medium heat for ten minutes and then you make a sound that your neighbour calls you to complain about.

Which could happen to anyone.

It's healing up fast though so I should be back to my normal typing speed in no time. Don't even worry about it.

I am out here googling new alarm technologies, doing the research, making comparative spreadsheets, because I swear my current phone situation is both the most annoying sound that has ever been heard and criminally easy to hide in the fridge. Why my sleeping brain thinks the fridge is the right place for my phone I cannot tell you. Maybe it's because I am in there several times a day because my two new hobbies are being hungry and eating food about it.

The chapter is late? Really, when you consider the fullness of time and the whole arc of human civilization and the approaching heat death of the universe, does a poor author oversleeping by a measly four hours matter at all?

I think they should invent a meal you're not hungry after. Who's with me? Someone should really be getting on this problem, I can't believe humans have civilization for thousands of years and no one has fixed this yet. I think it could really be the hot new thing.

So, funny story. I think my house got invaded? I woke up today and went to get my phone out of the fridge again and when I got into the living room I stepped on glass and I was like well that shouldn't be happening. Broken glass door, broke my TV, slashed up my couch, looks like they took a bat to the walls. And I, with my new and improved ability to sleep through any possible noise, was sleeping the sleep of the deeply unbothered.

I actually seem to have gotten up when my alarm went off and put it away and then when I went back to the room I missed the bed and went to sleep under the bed, and then if the home invaders bothered to look in my room they didn't see anyone. A mystery for the ages has been solved: Technoblade does not snore.

Anyways, I'm not sure what they were looking for but they seemed to have not found it and just started causing damage, and in my sleeping beauty state I just slept through it. My skin is going to be so dewy after this much rest. Anyways I've reported it and the right people are looking into it, and a little thing like my TV being broken isn't going to stop me. It actually increases my power because now I can't be distracted when it's writing time.

You know what's an underrated food? Raw eggs. Sometimes you're hungry and you don't have time to cook an egg, so you can just break it into your mouth and then it's instant food. Immediate calories. You don't even have to chew! Incredible food innovations happening daily in the Technoblade household, let me tell you.

Unrelatedly, I also ran out of eggs so I had to go out and buy more (avoided any gym bros in the grocery store this time by dint of pulling my hoodie up real high and wearing my prescription sunglasses—thankfully they light up the dairy section of the grocery store like you would not believe), and obviously the only cost-effective way to buy eggs in the reasonable volume that I needed was to buy one of those flats that's like 3 dozen eggs at once. My fridge isn't really set up for that so currently I have a flat of eggs balanced on three jars of jam. Like you do. Unrelatedly, I'm getting an idea for a new food innovation for if you really want to maximize the amount of calories you can fit on a spoon. Tune in tomorrow to see how that goes.

Got a knock on my door when I was eating my lunch (always something I enjoy) and then it actually turned out to be about as positive a social interaction I normally have when someone starts talking to me when I'm busy, because it was the landlord here to tell me that I'm getting evicted. Obviously I had follow up questions, and it turns out that in a staggering change of pace from when it took them 5 weeks to fix my broken dishwasher, they've already done the whole investigation about my break-in and they say that I faked it to cover the damage I'd done to the place. Which, you know, came as a surprise to me on more than one heading. If I caused the damage, how come there were muddy footprints from some kind of huge dog in my kitchen? My lease doesn't allow pets.

Anyways, they're trying to force me out, but there's holes in the argument you could drive a truck through, so I'm gonna be doing some legal research. I'm pretty sure they have to give me more notice, for one thing—they told me I had to be out by tomorrow? I can't be out by tomorrow; just packing my kitchen alone would take me a week once you start to build in the necessary breaks to sit on the kitchen floor and play Clash of Clans. Everybody knows it's one plate into the box, twenty minutes of reading web novels, rinse and repeat. And there is no way they get the sheriff here to evict me in that time, that guy famously spends most of his time getting in city council fights about how his expensive sponsor-funded vacations are not bribes. I'm gonna be fine.

My landlord has been motivated like you would not believe. I would not have thought it was possible to drill out someone's locks and replace them while they were at the library for an hour, but they must have been literally hiding around the corner waiting for me to leave. I think I've figured out why they take so long to respond to requests for the weird lightbulbs when the bathroom light burns out—they're spending all their time lying in wait for whatever lucky guy is is their target of the moment. Typical quality from my landlord, too; I think I could have broken the lock and gotten back into the apartment to get my stuff if I just leaned on the door a bit. I didn't, cause I wasn't sure about the legality of literally breaking and entering into your own apartment when the sheriff was visibly coming up the front stairs, but you know. Giving my landlord 1 star on Yelp for their shoddy workmanship when it comes to summary evictions.

Anyways I'm totally chilling through, I had my laptop and my phone when I went to the library, which is the real hierarchy of needs building blocks, and as soon as the sheriff gives up and leaves I'm gonna see if they'll let me in to like, pack a bag. Clearly they feel really strongly about me not being in the apartment, and I love bowing to peer pressure, but I have a little bit of an attachment to getting a couple changes of clothes and stuff for the road.

They call me the Rice Eater cause I can eat a crazy amount of rice. They were serving this fried rice thing at the shelter and there were leftovers so I was like I can't help but notice that you have extra rice does anyone mind if I—take care of that for you and they were like sure if you want another serving I guess and boy. Did I want another serving. Speedrunning getting banned at the shelter dinner table due to my incredible rice-eating strats.

Just got the news that I've been expelled due to charges being laid by my old landlord, so what I'm hearing is that my schedule just opened up. It's all writing time from now on. Let's hear it for no more homework, am I right?

Now this is why I don't leave the house. If you leave the house, you meet people. All kinds of people. For example, the sort of people who will start yelling about "wolves" and "bonds" and a bunch of other stuff, and pick a fight with you in the shelter, and thus get you kicked out for fighting. I didn't have these problems when I didn't come into contact with other human beings! It's all downhill as soon as you step outside, I swear.

Thanks to everyone who's been being so nice in the comments, that's been a serious pick-me-up. And to everyone telling me L—your booing only makes me stronger. Soon I will attain my final form, and then everyone will see a glorious and just utopia ushered in through a period of terrible bloodshed I rise above, horrible and triumphant. I'm gonna be fine though, I've been brainstorming a lot with Phil. He's been trying to send me money for a hotel, but all my cards are closed down for fraud. We've really got to deal with this landlord overreach problem, those guys are on the phone to my bank? My bank statements are supposed to be between me and the teller who signs off on yet another Subway order at 2am. Anyways, imagine having the time to do financial crimes when you could be looking for a place to sleep? Couldn't be me.

Some people have been like oh my god, why are you worrying about writing when your life is doing this, just forget about your deadlines! Let me be clear: I will forget about my deadlines when they tear the internet access from my bloody hands. You think I want to focus on real life right now? That's where people are talking about things like "leases" and "legal ramification" and other stuff that makes my eyes glaze over. This is fun for me, I'm enjoying writing and posting. Don't worry about me, I'm having a great time.

Anyways, so I was napping in a parking lot under one of those office towers and I saw the craziest thing. This guy walks up to the elevator with—no joke—four actual wolves walking alongside him. Not even on a lead or anything. And these were big, even for wolves. There were a bunch of other guys who I'd charitably class as "weird" as well but the wolves did take the cake. So I was sitting there like is this some kind of mob situation? Hmmm, I wonder what happens to people who see Obvious Mob Interactions, and then this guy walks up with an Actual Crossbow on his back and more knives than I have ever seen a living being wear and I was like okay. So now we will be breathing quietly and tiptoeing towards the exit. I'm getting some vibes that maybe I won't match the dress code for this social event.

I've been waiting for Phil to wake up so I can tell him like you would not Believe what just happened. Really inconvenient when your bestie works nights and you happen to be awake at a reasonable hour. Everybody send "wake up soon" vibes at Phil so I can give him the latest riveting update on my thrill a minute life—I cleverly avoided attending some kind of fancy party.

I'm sure this is going to be a shock to anyone who's heard me describe my life, but I was bullied in school. If this news destroys your mental image of my social finesse and popularity, I hope you can get over the crushing loss. Anyways, that was then, but I haven't actually gotten in a physical fight in a while, and my latest venture into that hobby did not go well. I've fallen off when it comes to avoiding punches. Definitely got hit in the head, cause I was seeing things straight out of of Deviant Art. I think if you show up at the hospital and tell them about a guy's head turning into a wolf they immediately shut you in a quiet room for a while. Fortunately if I just sleep off this head wound I should be fine—KIDDING. Kidding.

Phil should be here in a little bit, so I'm just holding out for that.