Chapter Text
Sukuna watched you slowly breathe in and out, in and out. Your chest rose and fell rhythmically, but what really struck him was the calmness in your beautiful face – after so many hours of being exhausted and pushed to your limit, your brows had finally unforrowed.
Lost in sleep, you were finally at peace.
His heart ached at the part he had to play in all this, at that little lie he had hoped to keep a secret forever. It was a somewhat new sensation for Sukuna – he thought he had long ago managed to bury away any feelings that could resemble guilt.
Then again, he had also come to realise, over the time of knowing you, that he didn't do enough of a good job embodying the terrifying commander people so wanted him to be. Because when Sukuna was with you, he noticed… new feelings in his body. Or perhaps not new – just forgotten.
Affection, for one. That wasn't supposed to happen.
Desire, too, and not in the way of fleeting fires and meaningless sex to satisfy his urges. Sukuna found himself wanting to make you feel good. Wondering what you looked like when you were lost in pleasure.
Dangerous feelings, among so many others. Protectiveness. Trust. Happiness?
He scoffed at himself – as if he could ever be any more than what everyone had decided he was.
Well…
Everyone but you, apparently. Because despite everything – you were still here. Clinging to him and finally breathing right.
He'd never admit it out loud, but his crimson eyes had been counting every inhale and every heartbeat for hours now. Its not that he didn't think himself a fool and chide himself for it, but when one is so used to death, the worse is what one comes to expect.
Thankfully, you seemed fine now.
Finally.
Such a pretty thing, he thought with a sigh. Sukuna wondered what it would have been like to wake up next to you every morning like this.
If only life had been kinder.
Sukuna's thick fingers were still interlaced with yours, his wrist bent at an awkward angle though he didn't bother changing it. Wouldn't want to risk disturbing you, not after everything he had already put you through.
Only a few hours ago you had curled up on his lap like a damn house cat, and he was lucky you fell asleep quick so he got to move and lay you back down before your brother saw the position you had decided to sleep in.
No doubt Choso would have put Sukuna to the sword then – and not hesitated this time.
Even if he did miss the wight of you on his lap. He decided he wouldn't push it, after all, Sukuna shouldn't even be here at all. He was already given too much grace by the family of the man he almost killed. He should have left long ago, escaped, found his sire's battlement or just ran away to an island as far as he could, away from this cursed life.
But he was selfish.
It was the last time he'd see you like this, after all.
The angel who had come to save him, now holding his hand as he awaited for death.
It was better than a man like him deserved.
"They're almost here" came a voice he didn't expect. Not Choso's, but the old man who had against all odds allowed him shelter.
This man who was as kind or as foolish as you.
Sukuna gave a silent nod, his thumb brushing the inside of your wrist one last time. How small you were next to him like this, how soft and warm.
Sukuna hoped he'd meet you in another lifetime. One where he could take a different path and be worthy of you.
Your fingers tensed at the absence of him, searching for his heat in the empty air. Pulling away from you was a struggle, but Sukuna whispered a silent prayer before forcing his eyes away from your face for one last time.
Your father was standing there, posture tense. His eyes were red around the corners, betraying a long, emotional night of making amends with his son.
"These are for you" he passed him a makeshift bag, filled with bread.
Sukuna scoffed. "They'll kill you if they find this" he shoved the bag back in the old man's hand, who refused to take it.
"Then make sure they don't find it" he retorted, already turning on his heels.
Why the hell were you all so kind?
"Did he not tell you?" Sukuna called after him, hating the way his voice strained.
Everything in him wanted to reject this.
But the old man stopped walking." Yes" he muttered, bowing his head to him. "I apologise for my son's actions"
Sukuna couldn't control the way his face grimaced, eyebrows furrowing in complete confusion at why the father of the man he tried to slain was the one apologising.
"Your–"
"Young men shouldn't be killing each other" the man interrupted.
And then he walked away.
Sukuna felt something tighten deep in his throat, a sting he hadn't felt since he was a young boy starting behind his eyeballs.
Damn this family for making him wish he was better.
Better than the terrifying Ryomen Sukuna.
Common criminal turned mercenary, when life presented him with his talent for killing. Mercenary turned knight. Turned a commander at some war he didn't really care about.
All he knew was Kenjaku offered him another chance, back when he was caught yet another time, and city officials decided there were already enough marks on his body for him to be worth another shot.
Most of the black tattoos had been from childhood – he didn't get caught often anymore.
The years had passed, but Sukuna still remembered each one. How it felt to have the dark ink scarred into his body, the excruciating pain and humiliation that came with it.
But who could blame a kid like him – when stealing and fighting were the only ways to survive a world like this?
He had made the best of it, as he could. And as Sukuna waited for the death sentence to be surely passed that day, he wondered if death wouldn't be a relief. Some respite from this cursed existence.
But as he sat on that cold damp cell, a man called Kenjaku had shown up. Announced himself another lord from somewhere he had never heard of, and instead of insults, offered him a job.
As a bodyguard. Who would have thought.
A feared street urchin was going up in life, being knighted and all.
And sure, people still scrunched their noses and looked at him sideways due to all the tattoos that marked him a criminal. But he had a bed to sleep in, and didn't need to worry about food anymore.
Sukuna didn't trust the man, of course – but did he ever trust anyone?
All he had to do was do as he was told. Easy. Sukuna watched his back for him. Interrogated his enemies. Killed when he was told to kill.
And when that man declared himself King, Sukuna followed – because why not.
Violence was his talent, after all.
He had stopped thinking himself human a long time ago.
Until you.
You.
Sukuna allowed himself another look in your direction, taking in your gorgeous face…before turning away to leave.
But the gods sure had a way of luring him back to you every time.
"Sukuna?" came your voice, forcing him to a halt. Completely frozen in place like a man condemned, hands balled into fists as he swallowed his wants and tried to force his feet to move. "Where are you going?"
You sounded like you were on the verge of tears already.
Sukuna wanted nothing more than to wipe them away for you.
"Come back" you called, moving to stand too quick. The idiot you were – didn't you ever put yourself first?
Sukuna didn't even know what to say.
All he knew was he couldn't bear to turn around.
For a man who killed so easily, it was love that had him frozen in place.
But before you forced his hand, another set of footsteps approached at the same time. Heavy and hurried, the footsteps of someone who still moved like he was lost in battle even when the bloodshed was over.
"What are you still doing here?" Choso hissed, referring to Sukuna, but he moved right to you – trying to drag you back to bed with two gentle palms to your shoulders.
"I am leaving" Sukuna confirmed, looking at the floor.
Choso was too impatient for that answer. "They're close" he warned.
If your body was still weak and tired no one would be able to tell, because you were suddenly snapping right into action. "Who is close?" you asked, gripping your brothers hand like your life depended on it.
"Scouts" Choso explained, covering your hand with his like Sukuna wished to do. "They'll seek shelter here. Everyone has been looking for him"
He nodded his chin towards your guest, but he didn't really have to. The way his voice turned vicious when he referred to Sukuna was enough hint of who he meant.
"Choso" you gulped, clearly scared. "What will they do to him?"
Sukuna still hadn't turned around.
And Choso refused to answer.
Which only made it worse.
"You need to hide" you suddenly said frantically, looking around your small room as if you could manifest a magic trapdoor to appear.
"He can't be found in here" Choso tried to sound understanding, resting a hand on your shoulder, though he clearly was nervous himself.
"But they'll kill him–"
"If he's in our house" Choso cut in. "They'll kill us, sister"
Your face twisted in anger and shock, obvious disgust pooling at the back of your throat as you assessed the brother you loved so deeply.
"Weren't you supposed to be fighting for the good side?" you spat.
Choso looked like your words had stabbed him.
"There's too much you don't understand" he tried to explain.
Sukuna was glad he hadn't turned around, for he couldn't help the little smirk on his lips.
Noblemen are all the same, he thought, glad you saw through the hypocrisy too. Good, bad – there was no such thing. At the end of the day, they were all murderers.
"What about the lighthouse?" you suggested, already looking for a solution. "He can hide there, wait for nightfall"
Choso exhaled sharply, trying his best not to anger you further. "And what if they decide to check there too?" he asked.
But despite your brothers reaction, Sukuna didn't think this idea sounded bad at all. He had more chances of survival if he waited until nighttime than if he chose to leave right now, on foot, in broad daylight.
So while you scrambled to justify your reasoning, Sukuna cut in with a solution of his own.
"I'll say I sneaked in" Sukuna muttered, finally turning around. "Planned to kill whoever was upstairs when they came down"
Sukuna thought you'd at least grimace at how easily he muttered those words, but you seemed happy.
"There's room to hide in there, you know it" you said to your brother.
But Choso remained resolute. "You don't understand what they'll–"
"Aren't they your friends?" you spat back.
"I don't know who they'll be" he tried to explain. "Just because we're on the same side doesn't mean–"
"Choso" you muttered, taking both his hands in yours. Those beautiful eyes of yours were wide and begging, obviously making both men's hearts clench at seeing you so desperate. "Its his only chance"
Your brother looked at him sideways, clearly unhappy with all this. But what else could he do when his dear sister begged him like this?
Choso let out a long exhale, bowing his head in defeat.
Choso went straight to father with this new plan, hoping he'd be the one to talk some sense into you. But to his complete surprise, the old man had agreed, and off he went to the lighthouse with Sukuna, sending Eso and Kechizu back to the main house confused about the sudden swap in shifts.
The two were young, yes, but they were smart. Choso told them as little as possible, but the two nodded with knowing eyes.
They too wanted to protect Sukuna.
If it all went according to plan, the scouts would be gone soon enough and Sukuna would be able to sneak away into the night. You hated that thought, but it was the better option you had.
Though when you saw the scout's horses galloping towards the house, you couldn't help but feel the worst was yet to come.
"Glad to see you're well, Choso" muttered the first of the scouts, offering your brother a warm embrace. They were friends, it seemed – a good sign. "These the boys you spoke about?" he referenced Eso and Kechizu, who were busying themselves with jugs and food for the new guests, keeping their lips shut tight.
"Yes" Choso nodded, pulling a chair for the two men. One was gruffer than the other, his eyes lingering on you in ways you didn't like – and, like you should have expected by now, they were both young. Too young.
"They didn't want to fight?" asked the gruffer one, unceremoniously biting the bread your brothers had laid out for him.
The question made your stomach turn, and you knew Choso well enough that, despite the fact he was trying to remain polite, it had the same effect on him. "They are too young" your brother said, no room for discussion.
The man just shrugged, while the other seemed to notice the heavy air. "Your brother is a good man" he said to your brothers, smiling at the two. "He fought a monster and almost won" he winked at them.
You had some idea of who the monster was, you thought.
And you hated how easily they said it. Like it was something to be proud of, some exciting bedtime story.
Disgusting. They disgusted you.
"Eso, Kechizu" you called them both. "Don't you think its time to check the fish traps?"
The two of them nodded, though they had done it not long ago. It seems both wanted an excuse to get away from these men, too, and off they went – with a grateful nod towards you.
Your sudden interruption had caught the guests attention, however.
"And this is your sister?" the one you liked the least asked, and you forced a smile. His eyes wandered over you with obvious heat, and you turned away with flushed, embarrassed cheeks.
Choso's jaw was locked tight, clearly having noticed it too. But part of you couldn't help but blame him – were these the people on the "good side"?
"I beg your pardon, miss" the other cleared his throat, cutting through the tension. "We're looking for someone, you would have known if you had seen him – tall, tattoos all over?"
You shook your head, swallowing thickly. "Not many visitors around these parts"
"She would have fainted if she did" the other man scoffed. "He ain't very nice to look at"
You rolled your eyes. Sukuna was much nicer to look at than any of them.
Than anyone else you had ever met, you realised.
"Of course" the other let out a sigh. "Man just disappeared into thin air. There's a big price on his head"
You hated to realise you knew nothing about the man that was so constant in your mind.
"What has this man done, to afford such efforts?" you asked, unable to contain your curiosity. Choso offered you an ice cold glare from the corner, but didn't interrupt.
"You'd have nightmares if we told you, miss" they scoffed. "They call him the Disgraced One"
The Disgraced One.
You took in their words, but you couldn't match them to the man you had come to know. Not with the same Sukuna who had listened to you, held you close, worn your colourful cloth around his head despite his stubborn complaints.
And despite how they said you would have been scared, all you felt was pity.
What had happened in Sukuna's past that this was the role he was forced into?
Had anyone even asked him that before?
"Is that so?" you muttered.
"Your brother here almost had him" a proud hand fell on Choso's shoulder. "But the coward managed to get away"
You exchanged a silent look with your brother, struck by how sorry he looked.
You hated to think of him in that way, and Choso knew it.
If the two men noticed, they didn't say.
"Is your father around?" they finally asked. "Maybe he would have heard rumours"
"Father is manning the light" Choso answered. "But I can swap with him later"
"I'll do it" you said, fast.
You weren't sure what had come over you, but the words were falling from your lips before you could contain yourself.
"Is it safe up there?" the scout asked, chewing with his mouth open. "Dangerous for a lady with a man like this around"
"No safer place" you nodded, trying to sound calm and confident. "There's always one of us guarding it"
"A tedious job, it sounds to me" the same one chided. "Shouldn't she be married already?"
He just turned to Choso to ask the question as if you weren't there at all.
This man was repulsive, you thought.
"I am betrothed" you answered before your brother could.
The man turned back to you with a shrug. The other, again too good at noticing the situation, decided to cut in again.
"Well congratulations, miss" he said. "May this war be over soon and your marriage be blessed with peace and heirs"
You hated what he said, but you couldn't help but feel a little softer towards him. This one almost reminded you of the rebel boys you had offered shelter to. They all surely seemed like they could have been friends, in different circumstances.
"It will be over soon" the disgusting one retorted. "Heard they captured some other valuable assets not far from here. They shouldn't take long to reach us"
Your heart dropped.
Valuable assets?
"Death will be a relief when our men are done with them" they both laughed, the sound echoing in your head, heavy with implications.
You felt like you were about to be sick.
You prayed for the men they found, and prayed even harder for them to not be the group of rebels who immediately came to your mind.
"None of this talk near my sister, please" Choso growled.
"Of course" he waved it off. "Miss, go fetch your father, will you? We've only got a few questions"
You nodded, finally managing to breathe after stepping out of that room.
You opened the door to the lighthouse, expecting to find Sukuna hidden among the sacks of food on the downstairs, and your heart sunk in your chest when your eyes wandered – but didn't find who you were looking for.
Had he left already?
You swallowed thickly, hoping Sukuna wouldn't have done so without a goodbye.
You didn't want last night to have been the last time you got to hold him.
At least if you knew when this last time would be, you could give yourself time to enjoy it fully. That's what you told yourself in your attempts to feel better. If you knew, you'd take in every bit of him. His sharp jaw, his smell, how crimson and deep his eyes were.
It was almost nonsensical how desperate you were to feel Sukuna again. To have a chance to take it all in.
Was it too late?
But you heard voices from the upstairs room now, and you ran up the spiral staircase as fast as you could, feet threatening to slip with every loud smack of your shoes against the stone.
To your surprise, Sukuna and your father stood by the fire, tea mugs in hand. Keeping watch, but not on the sea – on the world below.
"What is it?" your father asked hurriedly. "Gave us a fright running here so quick"
You blinked, looking over at the view down below. "You were watching?" you asked, thinking about how every time you were up here you rarely moved your eyes away from the sea.
But it was quite the strong vantage point, now that you thought about it.
Sukuna nodded. "There's only two of them?" he asked, sounding more like a commander than you had ever heard him.
"Yes" you said, immediately remembering the words you didn't quite have time to process in your shock. They should be with us soon. Did they mean more soldiers? "But there might be more, and– father, they–they want to speak to you" you stuttered, feeling your hands tremble.
Sukuna stiffened immediately, but your father stepped forwards.
"Breathe, woman" your father said gruffly. "Lock the door and stay up here. No harm will find you"
"They were talking about–" you gulped, breaths coming quicker and quicker. "Torturing some boys they found near here" you managed to get out. "What if–"
"Don't let your mind go there" your father interrupted.
"They are skilled soldiers, wouldn't be taken" Sukuna started, awkwardly trying to comfort you. "If that's any solace"
Was that any solace?
You weren't sure.
"I hate this" you rasped out shakily.
You hated those men downstairs. Hated yourself for hating them. Hated how they had spoken about Sukuna and how your brother seemed used to their presence. Hated how fast your heart was beating. Hated all this.
You just wanted everyone to be safe and unthreatened.
"Stay here" your father nodded, taking his leave.
Leaving you and Sukuna all alone.
The room seemed to get smaller and smaller, and everything in it pulled you towards him.
Would this be the last time you shared a space?
Not that long ago you had fallen asleep on him right here.
You had told yourself you preferred to know when the last time you'd be together came… but now that you were here, you weren't so sure.
How could you possibly make the most of it when all you wanted was to never let him go?
"Hey" Sukuna took a step towards you, noticing every twitch in your expression. "Breathe"
"Is that what they want to do?" you blinked at him, throat constricting at every word. "Torture you?"
Sukuna halted, exhaling sharply.
"Yes"
Your mouth opened, but no sound came from it. Only your shaky breaths, inhales coming too quick and too shallow.
Sukuna stepped forward again, closing the distance between you, his body so near already making you feel a little better. "They're not taking me" he reassured.
You so wanted to believe him.
"You don't know that" you replied, terrified.
Sukuna snaked an arm around your back, bringing a hand to cup your cheek and wipe away at a tear that threatened to fall. "I'm right here" he whispered.
He was.
You wanted him even closer.
"Don't leave" you pleaded, shaky hands finding his chest. "Stay with me. I'll protect you–"
Sukuna let out a chuckle at that, a smug grin forming at his lips. "You'll protect me?" he echoed.
He was so handsome, even when trying to anger you like this.
Maybe especially then.
You scrunched your nose at him, bunching his shirt with both your fists to bring him close. "Yes" you hissed. "Haven't I done it already?"
"You have" he agreed, pulling you close just as much as you did, one hand refusing to leave your cheek and the other on the small of your back.
And his breath was so hot against your skin.
"I stitched you up. Gave you shelter. You fought my brother–" you spat. "And I vouched for you still"
"You did" Sukuna's finger tips digged just a little into the skin of your waist, impossibly close. "How can I repay you?"
"Don't leave me again" you cried, but your voice was full of anger.
Sukuna exhaled sharply through his nose. "You think its easy for me to leave you?" he whispered.
He was close. So close. Your hearts beat almost in tandem where they were connected through the layers of clothes, but your chests were flush against one another.
You could feel every bit of him. His heart, his breath, the way his own skin was prickled up at your touch. The way he pulled you in closer and you didn't bother pushing it away because you wanted him even closer.
"Sukuna" you whispered his name like a sweet melody. Not like a curse, the way he was used to.
How could he ever let you go?
You both leaned forwards then.
It was impossible to know who did it first, because the two of you were pulled to each other like magnets, pulled in by some invisible thread that refused to break.
Sukuna was like the moon to your tides, his very presence affecting everything in you.
And when Sukuna's lips touched yours, plump and hungry, you felt like everything was well again, just for this little pocket of time.
His kiss felt like sinking into a delicious, crazed unknown you craved.
Your first kiss.
Something you had many times feared you'd have to give to some lord on your wedding day. You didn't want that. You wanted Sukuna to have it – and have all of you.
It was desperate, claiming, a kiss of two lovers who feared this first time might also be the last. You were trembling, but Sukuna held you close – you weren't confident on what to do, but Sukuna guided you. His tongue asked for entry inside of you and you gladly parted your lips, letting him devour you whole.
You were melting right there in his arms.
And though it was not the promise you were begging for – it was one that was huge still.
You think its easy for me to leave you?
Against your better judgment, you desperately knew you'd follow him anywhere.
"Take me with you" you cried with kiss swollen lips, still refusing to let go of his.
"Your family–"
"They mean to ship me away" you interrupted. "In only a few weeks I'll never see them again"
With so much talk of the war, you rarely let yourself linger on the fact your departure was imminent. Had Choso taken a few more weeks to return, you might have never even learnt of your brothers fate, you realised.
You were terrified for the boys in this war, but you couldn't help but feel you were about to walk into one of your own. One that was reserved only for women.
Matrimony, pregnancies, children. It was terrifying. Sharing a bed with someone you didn't know or want was terrifying.
You didn't want any of it.
The water flew freely from your eyes, and Sukuna kissed every tear from your salty skin, making you taste like the ocean on his tongue.
"I don't want to marry some lord I've never met" you whispered. "I want to be with you"
Hearing you say it out loud made his heartbeat harder than any battle had ever managed to.
Sukuna pulled the shirt he wore in one fast movement, throwing it on the floor while you watched, confused. Before you could take in his handsome, tattooed torso, or ask any questions, Sukuna was lifting you off your feet.
With one hand on your thigh and one on your back, Sukuna slowly lowered himself on his knees and gently laid you down on his shirt, so that your back didn't have to touch the cold stone of the lighthouse floor.
It was more considerate than someone like him looked.
And right now… you were completely focused on how he looked.
Large, well defined muscles growing around even more dark tattoos. You weren't scared of them or what they represented – looking at Sukuna like this made your insides fill with heat, and your thighs clenched instinctively, a sensation you had never quite experienced to this degree.
And Sukuna was mesmerised by you as well.
You looked so small under him – so beautiful, and willing, and inexperienced.
And promised to someone else.
Sukuna couldn't do something you would regret.
But he couldn't stop kissing you either.
The taste of you was addicting and terrifying, like saltwater filling a dying man's lungs.
You wrapped your legs around his waist, pulling him in to deepen the kiss, twitching every time his hips made contact with yours.
So sensitive.
Sukuna was a greedy man, and right now you were testing him in every way possible.
You deserved a warm bed on your wedding night for your first time. Not the cold stone floor because you feared this might be the last chance you got.
His gruff hands explored your body, feeling every mound over the dress you wore, making you moan at the unfamiliar touches. And Sukuna drank up every sound you made, very aware at how huge what you two wanted was – and for the first time in his life found himself wanting to slow down.
He stilled his body, brushing some hair away from your face and leaving a silent peck on your lips. "I'll come for you when the war is over" he promised against your mouth, settling his hands on your waist instead of where he really wanted them. "I promise"
But you cried harder at that, clinging on to his shoulders like he had given you a death sentence. "I'll be married already"
It pained you to say it just as much as it pained him to hear it.
Sukuna kissed you again, trying to rip those words right from you so they became untrue.
The image of you like this for someone else had his heart twisting in his chest, a sort of primitive anger boiling within.
"Then I'll kill him" he promised, bringing a hand to between your legs, all sense replaced by animalistic desires.
And you believed him fully. The thought of having another man between your legs made you sick. The thought of never seeing Sukuna again made you sick.
Maybe you were a bit delirious – from Choso's unexpected return, to this absolute terror you felt that had you convinced time was running out. Life was going too fast. You felt like you were desperately running ahead, trying to catch up.
Your first time shouldn't be like this – but Sukuna couldn't help wanting to be the first touch you ever felt. And you felt the exact same, legs parting willingly, practically begging him to make you his despite better judgment.
Sukuna's fingertips found the skin between your thighs already soaked, a smug grin spreading through his lips. "You want me that bad?" he teased, biting the inside of your neck, taking your arching back as an opportunity to snake his arm around you and pull you even closer.
"Sukuna–" you whispered his name, holding on to his shoulders tightly and bringing your forehead to his. Sukuna loved this – how desperate you were for him. He felt just the same.
He couldn't deny how bad he wanted to know what you felt like, tasted like.
The safe haven of the lighthouse promised respite – but how long for?
Sukuna was used to living his life like death was awaiting at every corner, and maybe right now it was.
Maybe time was runnig out.
…And you looked so beautiful.
Sukuna looked down at you, at your wide desperate eyes and the way your lips turned into a little smile as he moved closer towards your heat, coating his finger in the wetness he was dying to taste. Still unsure if this was the right thing to do.
People intending on killing him were downstairs.
Maybe you had all lost your minds a little.