Chapter Text
‘Where are you?’
Ever since he left Cybertron, Megatron has never once felt that lonely even in the very depths of outer space. Tarnished as it had been by everything that had happened, he thought it was best that he attempt to fulfill his dream of being an off-world explorer, though he knew he didn’t deserve it.
Not with the energon that stained his servos.
Still, he wouldn’t trade his current circumstances for a life stuck in a city where everything reminded Megatron of him. It had already been difficult to acquire permission from Starscream, but after he had stated that they needed to find other sources of energon, the former Commander of the High Guard had reluctantly let him go.
So long as he promised to remain in contact with him.
He said he didn’t trust Megatron not to go insane from the isolation. He had mentioned the High Guard’s experience on the surface as an example. While they may have struggled to survive for the past fifty cycles, at least they had each other. Megatron was out exploring the galaxies without a single mech to converse with. It wouldn’t have been good for his processor to be so alone.
Even though deep down he felt as if this was the fate he deserved after what he’d done.
It was mandated though that he answered Starscream’s comms. If he didn’t, Starscream wouldn’t let him leave the planet once he returned to Cybertron with a few of the alternative fuel supplies he had gathered from other planets. Starscream said that while exploration was now his main job, that didn’t mean Megatron didn’t have time for what he dubbed as “impromptu therapy sessions.”
Which they were.
Megatron had been stupidly blind before, but he wasn’t a fool.
He had just woken up from recharge. The ship he had taken for the journey was currently still orbiting the planet he had just recently visited. It didn’t have any viable sources of fuel, but Megatron thought the flora on this particular planet was rather beautiful. At least until he had found a purple and gold flower, the familiar color scheme souring his mood enough for him to flee even though he still had to search.
Maybe Starscream had a point about these “impromptu therapy sessions.”
He picked up the flashing comm, letting the small device beep with the unanswered message for a few kliks longer.
He didn’t know why, but the message unnerved him. Starscream never messaged him this early, though the time dilation may have changed while he had been on the planet or he may have lost track of time.
He had that nightmare again, after all.
The one where he found himself in the mines again, except this time there had been no light to guide him. Yet even within the darkness, he could see two angry red optics glaring at him from the gloom as a familiar voice haunted the caverns.
No matter where he went, he was always there.
‘I’ll send you the coordinates once I refuel. My systems are still onlining after recharge. I… I had that nightmare again.”
Megatron felt his faceplates heat up. He always felt like a fussy sparkling each time he told Starscream of his nightmares.
If Pax had been around, he may have laughed at how ridiculous he was being.
Nightmares couldn’t hurt you.
But Pax wasn’t here to laugh.
Not anymore.
‘Nightmare?’
He had to wonder if this was Starscream’s attempt to make him repeat what he feared in the hopes that it would become so easy to talk about that eventually he’ll learn to no longer fear it. It didn’t feel like Starscream’s usual style, since he would usually try to attempt to soothe Megatron - which made him further ashamed that he was a grown mech looking for comfort from who was arguably a stranger. He wondered if Starscream had talked to Shockwave and Soundwave about how he wasn’t “getting any better.”
This could be a change of, as Starscream would say, battle plans.
‘Do I really need to type it out again? You already know.’
‘Yes.’
He couldn’t help but shift ever so slightly on his berth, a sense of wrongness making his spark whirr faster in his chassis. Starscream’s method at “therapy” was usually subtle, what did it mean that he was being so straightforward now?
He felt ashamed. Was he really grieving so much that they were beginning to get tired of hearing his whining? If Pax were still around, he’d probably say he was such a crybaby and to get over it already.
Though if Pax were still around, Megatron was sure the other would have either had him killed or tortured already. It would have been his deserved fate after he had betrayed his best friend for a mech Megatron didn’t even care all that much about!
He just… didn’t want anyone to suffer anymore…
He felt the drops of cleaning agent before he registered that he was even crying. He reached up with a shaking servo, trying to wipe the tear tracks, not that it mattered since they’d already seared their mark on his cheekplates ever since he had embarked on his lone journey through space. Pax would laugh if he could see his face right now. He always did warn him that if he cried too much, the cleaning agent would become corrosive and leave scars.
Guess that was one of the few things Pax was being truthful about.
If only it had come from a place of care instead of ridicule.
That was the most damnable thing about this.
Grieving his best friend was understandable, and the High Guard may have understood that.
But grieving someone who never cared or loved you at all?
Pax was right about another thing.
He really was pathetic.
‘I can’t. Not now, Starscream. It hurts too much right now.’
‘Dee—‘
He turned the comms off before he could read the rest…
… or realize what Starscream wrote.