Chapter Text
What a stinking, filthy city.
Lapin covered his nose with a scented handkerchief, not bothering to hide the action at all despite the glares he received. Stepping around chunky puddles of trash-filled milk, he hurried past a long row of jewelry and clothing shops clearly owned by some minor lords of House Bleu from the smell. Bulb above! They’re surrounded by milk, don’t they ever take a bath?
White clouds overhead, blue-tinged on the edges, threatened a good dowsing whether the citizens of Lacramor wanted it or not. The dour weather had thankfully cancelled the exhibition Prince Chedder had had planned to impress the Candian delegation, finally giving Lapin time to pay his respects to the Crème Fraîche Abbey. The Deaconess there would no doubt have already looked down her nose at him, him being thirty and already outranking her, but now she would delight in his breach of protocol. Three days since they’d arrived in Lacramor, and he’d been tied up in his duties as a Candian ambassador the whole time, but she wouldn’t understand that.
No, she’ll probably write a sweetly degrading letter to Archbishop Lindt recommending that I spend more time in reflection, Lapin thought, thumping his Lollistaff faster. Bah!
So what if he took a nap yesterday instead of visiting the Abbey? That meep ride was very tiring!
A half-wheel of cheese, dressed in blue and white finery with a large, purple-feathered hat stepped out of one of the shops and nearly knocked Lapin over. “Watch it!” Lapin snapped in Lacran, putting both paws out to keep the man from touching him and possibly rubbing some of that smell off. He gagged the second the handkerchief left his muzzle, and quickly covered it again. “You nearly pushed me into the street!”
“Ah, yeh fuckin’ Candians,” the cheese wheel sneered, hand on his rapier. Lapin readied his magic hastily before noticing the sheath was bejeweled, and the hilt gleamed like it had never been drawn. Small dick, he sniggered to himself.
"Don’t’cha who ya talkin’ to, boyo? You best git along now, ‘for I run ya through.” He spat at Lapin’s feet, and he jumped backward, one back paw accidently landing in a puddle of spoiled milk in the road. Some of it splashed onto the bottom of his robes.
“Ugh!” he exclaimed. “Now look what you’ve done. I can’t go to the Abbey like this!” Hmm…I can’t go to the Abbey like this…
Lapin delivered a powerful kick—with the milk-covered paw—right in between the cheese wheel’s scrawny Bleu legs. The man howled, and Lapin followed it up with Bulb-colored blast of magic that knocked him right on his ass. His head made a satisfying thunk against the door he’d just come out of as he fell.
Lapin looked down at the unfortunate noble howling and rolling around on the trash-covered sidewalk. “Let’s just keep this between us, okay? I don’t Deaconess Chobani would approve of this use of miracle working.”
The cheese curled up on his side, wheezing, hands covering his unfortunate nuts. His pants were wet in the middle, and Lapin didn’t think it was entirely from his wet paw.
“On the other hand, you were threatening me. With a sword. So I was entirely justified. And since these streets are so dangerous that not even a Primogen like me can walk them without being accosted by violent criminals…I could even be justified in not feeling safe enough to travel from the Chedder Palace all the way to the Crème Fraîche Abbey. What do you think?”
The man grabbed his fallen feathered hat out of a filthy puddle, scrabbling to get back up. “Primogen! I—forgive me, yer holiness, I—”
"After all, I’m only a poor chocolate rabbit. Anything could happen to me in these dangerous times. Best I stay safe in the castle with Sir David and his squires.” Lapin tapped his foot rapidly, waiting very patiently for the cheese wheel to get back up.
He stumbled upright, clothes askew and covered in spots of mold from the unswept sidewalk. “Your holiness, I apologize. I did not recognize you—”
“Sure,” Lapin said conversationally. He could see this working out very well. A good reason not to go to the Abbey, and entertainment for the day all rolled into one slimy, stinky Bleu cheese.
“—and I—”
“What are you doing today?”
“…what? Yer holiness?”
“Before you decided to assault a Primogen of the church, of course,” Lapin added when he took too long to answer.
“I…well, there’s going to be an execution in the square…” The cheese winced, as if talking about death is too unholy to a member of the clergy. Is it? Lapin pondered. I seem to remember the church has done a lot of executions...well, best to give him what he expects.
Lapin’s ears twitched self-righteously and he drew himself up to his full height. With his ears up, he was quite a bit taller than the average Lacran, a fact he had cursed when trying to go unnoticed on the streets but now was thankful for. “How barbaric.”
The man dusted at his clothes and seemed to regain some of his composure. “I agree completely, yer holiness. It’s a nasty business, making fondue out of a man, even if he is a fuckin’ Fontina. My Lord, if I could—”
"But you were going to watch it?”
He wilted a little. “Er, well, it’s Fontina, yer holiness. It wouldn’t be patriotic, rightly, not to go.”
"I’m not familiar with the name,” Lapin mused. “Don’t know what a fondue is either…” He raised the handkerchief back to his nose and took a deep whiff to get rid of the stink of this man. Bleu cheese, really. Thought I’d be rid of that filthy smell when I left the Dairy Isles the first time around. “Well, lead on, my good man. Can’t be worse than tea with the Deaconess.”