Chapter Text
The Commander stood atop a hill, overlooking the now quiet valley before Mount Weather below. She was well hidden behind the thick foliage of the forest and the all-encompassing darkness. The evening sky was pitch black, with no moon or stars visible. A slight breeze played through the leaves, catching the few errant brunette strands not picked up in one of her many intricate braids, allowing them to play across her neck and face. Lexa paid it no mind, though. Her attention was focused on the open space below her, searching for any movement or signs of life. Despite her cover, she had a clear view of Mount Weather and the entrance to the caves where she had seen Clarke disappear moments ago; likely on a suicide mission to free her people.
Lexa drew in a deep breath and closed her eyes as their final interaction played through her mind for the hundredth time. She was swiftly met by an unexpected and overwhelming wave of pain the memory brought her. As she clenched her eyes closed, the images flooded across her eyelids, causing her eyes to burn with frustrated tears. She refused to cry though. She knew in her heart she had made the best decision, despite the way that she felt now. Images of Clarke appeared, the look of panic evident in her eyes, initially believing the Commander had surrendered to the Mountain Men. Lexa clenched her eyes shut harder as the next image played over the previous, this one of Clarke’s face as she realized that Lexa had instead come to an agreement with the Mountain Men and betrayed Clarke and the Sky People. Her mind stayed on that image longer then the last, intentionally torturing Lexa for the choice she had made.
Lexa replayed each emotion that had flit across Clarke’s face- hate, betrayal, anger, heartbreak, sadness, and disbelief- as Clarke realized that Lexa had made a deal to only save the Grounders. Finally, Lexa’s subconscious moved on, giving her momentary relief before the next image played across her still closed eyes. This time, it was the utter heartbreak upon Clarke’s face as Lexa and her army turned their backs on the Sky People and walked away, leaving them to die. The look of hope being crushed upon Clarke’s face was the most vivid image remaining in her mind. Lexa knew that she would never forget that look, even until the end of her days. She could not seem to wipe that final image of Clarke’s devastated face from her mind; the pain of betrayal radiating from Clarke had been almost palatable.
Only Lexa had not been able to leave, not completely. She swallowed hard, forcing the images from her mind and opening her eyes, pushing the images away. The valley below her remained unchanged, the gentle breeze the only movement through the grass. Though she knew it was a great risk, and a sure sign of weakness, she had not been able to simply leave without knowing the fate of the Sky People, and their leader. Lexa had tried to send her guard ahead, telling them she would join when the battle was finished. They had, of course, attempted to reason with her, telling her it could still be dangerous. There was no way of knowing how many of the Mountain Men had been successfully treated with the bone marrow of the 48 Sky People they had been holding captive. Lexa saw no reason to worry, however, knowing all hands would be needed in the Mountain once they realized the Grounders were marching on their complex. Regardless, she knew it would be stupid to assume none would be patrolling outside the Mountain, spying to keep tabs on her army as it neared the Mountain.
In the end, she had allowed one guard, Ryder, to stay behind with her, at a comfortable distance. This allowed her the momentary privacy to remove her “Commander” mask and just breathe. She needed a few moments to come to terms with the decision she had made and to face the emotions she was not aware she had been harboring. She was still reeling at the overflow of emotions that had surfaced as she struggled to decide between saving her people, and her loyalty to the Sky People- and to Clarke. For so long, Lexa had tried to stay distant, cold even, when it came to her emotions. She liked to pretend that they did not even exist, and knew they had no place in someone that held her position among her people. She had found that being emotional only caused her pain, pain she had long ago decided that she never needed to feel again. Until she had met Clarke. The seemingly fearless blonde leader of the Sky People had surprised her with her passion for not only her own people, but for Lexa’s as well. It was a passion Lexa had only seen met by herself. Despite all of Lexa’s best attempts at keeping her distance and maintaining a nonchalant attitude, there had been something about the blonde that Lexa had not been able to shake; something that Lexa had been unable to ignore, no matter how she tried. Clarke had a won a piece of her heart the moment she had stepped into Lexa’s tent that first time, only a mere twelve days ago.
“You’re the one who burned 300 of my warriors alive,” Lexa said, twirling her dagger in her hand and staring pointedly at the blonde.
“You’re the one who sent them there to kill us.” Clarke had challenged Lexa back defiantly, no fear in her eyes.
From their first exchange, Lexa had know the blonde would be trouble, but she had not foreseen how quickly and completely she would fall for the girl with the golden hair and ocean blue eyes. Sure, they’d had less than two weeks together, but life moved faster on the ground. Things such as love and trust came quickly when you were living each day one at a time, just hoping to survive to the next sunrise. During their brief but tumultuous time together, Lexa had begun to feel for Clarke, in ways that she knew would be dangerous for someone in her position. Ways that Lexa knew might make her appear weak to her people. Lexa had fought hard against those feelings, had fought to maintain her steely outside façade, and fought to appear as the untouchable leader of her people. Unfortunately, or fortunately, just watching Clarke across their camp was enough for Lexa to forget her title, forget her obligations to her people, and forget there was a world outside the two of them. Hope began to grow inside Lexa, as she found her breath and pulse quickening at just the thought of being around the blonde. Lexa had to fight to maintain her gaze anytime Clarke walked into a room or spoke with her in front of her people.
With full understanding of what a relationship with the Sky Girl could entail for her life expectancy, Lexa nonetheless found herself musing over the blonde for the majority of her days. Lexa had found hope again, for so many things that she had long given up on. Looking at Clarke, she could see a future, in the first time since Costia. She had begun to imagine a future, one that was interwoven with the Sky Girl. In her most private moments, she had even allowed herself to imagine that Clarke returned her feelings. Had hoped that one day Clarke would return her feelings. She would quickly dismiss that line of thought, however, knowing that anything between her and the Leader of the Sky People would only jeopardize the fates of both their people. Still, she could not prevent herself from wondering, in those moments she spent alone with Clarke in her tent, what the blonde thought of her and whether the feelings could ever be reciprocated.
Lexa had gained a small amount of insight, and hope, when they had been trapped and injured, fighting the Pauna. As the Pauna had grabbed ahold of Lexa’s leg, intent on making her it’s next victim, Lexa had demanded Clarke leave her behind and save herself. “No way,” Clarke had exclaimed immediately as she grabbed her pistol and fired at the giant gorilla. In the commotion, Lexa could swear Clarke had really yelled “Nowe" in Lexa’s native tongue which actually translated to “Never”. Again, Lexa had found herself regarding Clarke with the highest respect as the blonde had actively fought to save Lexa at the risk of her own life. In the quiet moments that followed, as Clarke tended to Lexa’s badly injured shoulder, Lexa had felt her hopes grow and solidify. Even though Clarke had told Lexa the only reason she had saved her was because she “needed her," Lexa had seen the look in Clarke’s eyes and knew it was more then mere need. Lexa saw the fear in Clarke’s eyes as Lexa had been pulled back by the Pauna, the concern as she examined Lexa’s dislocated shoulder, and the relief when they’d both finally escaped the Pauna. There was a desire and hope in Clarke’s eyes as well. The same desire and hope that Lexa had tried (and failed) to hide, in herself.
Lexa had only known Clarke for twelve days when the attack on the mountain was to begin. Less than two weeks, yet Lexa had felt she had known Clarke for an entire lifetime. She had a level of comfort and trust around Clarke that she had been unable to find in anyone since Costia. There was also an ease to her interactions with Clarke. She did not have to focus on being the cold and calculating Commander that held everyone at arm’s length. She could allow herself to loosen her mask and be more…Lexa; less hidden under a guise and more willing to hope for her own happiness. Clarke had given Lexa the idea that maybe it was ok for her to be happy again. That maybe Lexa did deserve more than just surviving from day to day.
Lexa mused at her favorite moment with Clarke, forever burned into her memory. It had taken place in her tent mere hours earlier. Lexa, who commanded large numbers of warriors and marched into battle without fear, had never been more afraid in her tent with Clarke, alone. The blonde simultaneously scared and excited her, constantly challenging her to be a better version of herself. Clarke could frustrate Lexa like no other person she had ever know, even Costia, but Lexa had never felt more alive. As the war grew closer, Lexa had put her fear aside and allowed her heart to lead over her head, taking a huge emotional risk and finally kissing the Sky Princess. She had laid herself bare in front of the blonde, praying Clarke would reciprocate her feelings, for she didn’t know if she could handle the crushing emotional pain otherwise. Clarke had initially startled back in surprise, and Lexa had a fleeting thought of regret, of instant self-doubt, but it was quickly put to rest as Clarke then kissed her back. Lexa could have lost herself in the taste and feel of Clarke’s lips on hers for eternity, but as soon as the kiss had begun, it was ended. Clarke had pulled back, saying that she wasn’t ready…yet. This time, there were no feelings of self-doubt for Lexa; she knew what she had felt in that moment. The exchange had left Lexa with feelings of hope and weightlessness, two words Lexa never thought could be used to describe her again. Lexa also knew that she would wait until end of her days for Clarke. That would never change.
Lexa knew she wanted to have the chance to turn Clarke’s “yet” into a “yes," and had invited to blonde to accompany her to Polis once the Mountain Men were destroyed. Lexa told Clarke that Polis would change the way she saw and thought of the Grounders. Clarke replied that Lexa had already done that, but Lexa had read the resounding “yes” behind Clarke’s words. Lexa felt renewed yet again, a common occurrence thanks to the leader of the Sky People. Then everything had come crashing down around them. Their well thought battle plans weren’t working. They couldn’t get the door to Mt. Weather open, they were stuck, with no other options. Clarke and Lexa’s worst fears were being realized and they were helpless to change it. Lexa had gone off, determined to find another way to save all their people, and had instead made a deal with the devil. Lexa had struggled so hard to find any other way around what she had chosen to do. In the end, she knew that it was her only option. Despite how her feelings had grown for Clarke, the responsibilities to her people would always come first. Knowing that, Lexa had abandoned her hope and her own chance at happiness, in favor of saving her people from the Mountain Men. Telling Clarke of her betrayal had nearly crushed Lexa’s spirit. Lexa had wanted to explain to Clarke why she had done what she had, but she knew she would be perceived as weak by her people. Ultimately, she had fought back tears and the urge to embrace Clarke, instead turning and leaving Clarke and the Sky People to die. Clarke, her only chance for redemption, was now likely dead, and Lexa’s emotions with her.
Without a moon to judge the passing of time, Lexa could only assume she had been waiting atop the hill for a couple hours. The time seemed to move slower as she waited for any indication of life from the stoic mountain, waiting with bated breath for a sighting of the blonde. She just needed to see that Clarke was ok. Lexa figured if she knew the blonde was alive somewhere on this planet, she could carry on with her life. Not having Clarke on this earth was not a possibility that Lexa even wanted to entertain. Lexa sighed again. If she didn’t start back soon, her people would notice and the position she’d fought to maintain-the position she had betrayed Clarke for-would be for nothing. Lexa looked around, trying to locate Ryder. She found him standing approximately thirty feet behind her left shoulder, his gaze pointed in her direction, but watching the woods around her rather than her specifically. Looking for threats, she thought. She appreciated him giving her enough space to process in silence. She turned back to face the mountain, rolling her shoulders to relieve some of the tension that had settled there in the last couple hours.
Lexa was about to turn and leave, figuring that she had lost her right to know whether Clarke lived or died, when she heard a faint sound coming from the valley below. It started out low but was amplified as the breeze picked it up and carried it to where Lexa stood on the hill. It was a mechanical whirring, as if something were being pulled back or opened up. Lexa’s eyebrows drew together in confusion as she struggled to understand what she was hearing, and then she had a fleeting moment of hope as she looked for the door to the mountain, thinking that could be the only explanation for the sound. As she stared at the door, waiting for it to move, to open and for Clarke and her people to emerge, a second, more chilling sound was carried up to her on the wind. Again the noise started out low, but gained volume as the wind picked up, and it froze Lexa in place, chilling her to her core.
It was the sound of hundreds of people screaming in agony, as though their flesh was being slowly burned from their bones.