Chapter Text
Kenny gasped as he hit the ground and rolled, the harsh sunlight was bright even in his tightly shut eyes as he landed against the raised lip of the roof.
He groaned and opened his eyes, gaze settling on the silhouette of Professor Chaos, outlined by the rays of the sun.
Kenny took a breath and wondered, 'how the actual FUCK did I get here?'
-----
It started, as most things in Kenny's life, simply enough, with the extended friend group grabbing an early dinner. The gang knew a cozy diner with decent prices and really good food, which is where Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Butters, Craig's crew, and the girls, had elected to meet for dinner.
"I cannot believe you believe in Mysterion." Red growled gesturing at Kyle with a fry. A laugh caught in his throat as he approached the groups table with his food.
"What?" Kenny asked, sliding into his seat next to Kyle.
"Red is a fool who cant accept that I'm right." Kyle growled,
"Kyle is an idiot who belives in every rumor he hears!" Red rolled her eyes,
"Stop arguing with my cousin," Craig rolled his eyes, dipping a fry into his milkshake, much to Tweek's dismay, "you wont win."
"Tell her she wrong then!" Kyle gestured wildly, "I've talked to him! Mysterion is absolutely real and a superhero!"
"Ugh, Craig tell your friend he's fucking delusional."
"Red my dude, you are an island to your own," Craig shook his head, "remember I live and love Mysterion's Number 1 fan boy."
"I am not Mysterion's Fan boy." Tweek gasped.
Kenny snickered, gently kicking his over stuffed backpack. his cloak and a small amount of his gear had been stuffed inside. Kenny had been feeling a bit paranoid that day, and some deep part of himself told him to keep his gear close
"Anyway, nice sweater Kenny!" Heidi smiled ignoring her friends bickering,
"Oh thank you!" Kenny smiled. It didn't help that he hadn't done laundry other than his gear in like two weeks and the only decent shirt he had was his Mysterion shirt, hidden by a newly purchased sweater, meaning he was probably priming himself to be worried about something, "I went thrifting the other day."
"without me?" Heidi gasped in mock offense.
"hey I needed new pants for work!" Kenny shrugged, "Plus you were busy, and I didn't want steal you just to have a thrift buddy"
"and here I though we had something special." Heidi gasped, turning up her nose,
"Well always be thrift buddies."
"What happened to all the ones you already own?" Kyle cut in,
" ya'know, stained" Kenny shrugged, thinking of the ink, blood, mud, mildew, and gods knew what else that had stained his pants and ensured that he couldn't wear them to work,
"you manage a sex shop," Stan said, "why the hell does it matter if your pants are a bit stained?"
Kenny cringed internally. Most of his pants were fine, but the blood and general muck that came from wearing his civilian jeans out as Mysterion was a bit trickier to explain, and coming back from death often meant the stains refused to budge without considerable effort.
"Just cause I work in a horny shop doesn't mean I can look like a slob."
"Honestly I"d be more relaxed if the manager in the wink wonk shop was put together and relaxed and didn't have mystery stains on his pants." Butters mused,
"See!" Kenny grinned,
"Wait butters what did you call it?"
"The wink wonk shop."
The table stared for a moment before dissolving into laughter, butters included.
Soon after the group paid and dispersed, flooding into the street as Red complained about one of her classmates,
"God I cant believe he'd cut your hair!" Craig growled,
"I KNOW ITS BULL SHIT!" Red growled, "And fuck all is being done with this creep cayse hes apprently some genetics genius or something!"
"ugh, he still..." Clyde drifted off as the streets became suddenly crowded, "is a creep."
"did we forget a parade or something?" Craig asked, taking Tweek's hand and pulling him close as curious people began to crowd around them,
"oh shit" Kyle gasped
"wha..." Stan asked, following his gaze, before paling, "Chaos."
"There's no way." Butters said firmly, eyes on the building above.
Kenny was silent, watching the figure on the roof work, a large device made of dark metal and clearly cobbled even from 10 stores below. the squat glass building was an office, some tech company if Kenny remembered, but far from a popular one, which may explain why Professor Chaos elected to cause trouble there, and a number of large black suction ups decorated a line of their windows.
Kenny took a few steps back,
"fuck this." He gasped, before rushing off to where ever he could throw on his costume, he could hear a few others following his lead, before Kenny dove down an ally with his backpack before anyone could see him.
Kenny roughly tossed his sweater off and pulled his cloak from his backpack, followed by His mask, some of his darts and knives, and his staff, before kicking his backpack away and leaping up onto the fire escape.
Step one was to stop the weird ass suction cups.
Well technically getting up to them was step one, but process was process.
Normally, he had a belt full of tools, including a grappling hook, but said belt was currently hung up in his room, since it wouldn't fit in his backpack.
'shitfuckshitshitfuck.' Kenny thought, tapping his thigh as he tried to figure a way onto the building without fucking his face up or being noticed. Then he noticed the window washers cables hanging freely by the building.
Kenny dropped to the ground and leapt over the police barricades, ignoring the shouts and lecture at floated behind him as he grabbed one of the free floating cables and began to scale the building, any thoughts of being seen far away at that point.
Kenny was wheezing a little when he got to the top. Rushing up a carbon fiber rope wasn't easy work. He took a breath and shuffled along, dragging the anchor of the cable along so the cord actually ran along the proper end.
It was at that point that Chaos had noticed him.
"Mysterion?" Chaos squeaked, clearly shocked (and likely offended) that he was here,
Kenny smirked at him, before looping the rope in his off hand and pulling a knife from his stash. He flipped it once and then dropped.
The wind roared in his ears for a moment as Kenny's path began, the sharp point of his knife dragging along the glass panes of the buildings walls with a bone rattling screech, until the blade met wire.
He expected more resistance from the cord, but under the blades sharpness the wires and electronics snapped with a loud crackle, and sparks flooded from the live end, catching Kenny for the briefest of moments before he moved onto the next until all that remains was a fountain of sparks and a arc carved into the glass, before physics got Kenny where he needed to go, and he could flip onto the roof.
This action was followed by Kenny getting sucker punched by chaos so hard he went flying into the other side of the roof, the knife in his hand clattering away uselessly.
"Hello Mysterion." Professor Chaos growled.
"Chaos this is MORE than a little inconvenient." Kenny growled in turn, pushing up a little, and wiping his face.
"Oh is it?" Chaos purred, a smirk on his face as he closed the distance between the pair before swiftly grabbing Kenny by the face, sharp nails digging into the soft part of his neck, "Well I do apologize, but unfortunately, this is a daytime activity." He pulled him closer, appraising his face, and pulling him up, "getting to see you in the light is just a bonus."
"what are you up to?" Kenny hissed, unable to open his mouth or pull away without cutting himself more.
"Oh wouldn't you just love to know, my little shadow." Chaos tightened his grip on Kenny's face, sharp nails sinking into his skin.
Kenny hissed, both from the pain, and from the visceral Wrongness that boiled in his gut. he was almost to his feet now, and as hot blood trickled down his neck, Kenny slowly reached into his cloak.
His fingers wrapped around the wrapped handle of one of his darts, light, metal, almost chopstick shaped tools Kenny mostly tossed around as distractions, but in close combat they proved invaluable.
As fast and as smooth as he could, Kenny dug the dart into Chaos thigh. Chaos screamed, letting go of Kenny's face and jumping back, leaving the dart in Kenny's hand.
Kenny steadied himself on his feet, and wiped the blood from his face and neck, before charging at Chaos.
Chaos barely had time to recover before Kenny was on top of him, driving a kick towards his face. Chaos fell back, and was barely able to reorient himself before Kenny was at the machine, trying to one hand-edly deactivate the strange device fully, only for Chaos to grab him by the cloak and throw him off, before tackling him, digging his knee in between Kenny's shoulder blades while holding his head down, his nails painfully sharp even through this thick fabric of his cloak.
"You are a petulant little shade, aren't you?" Chaos growled,
Kenny hissed, before digging the dart in his hand at Chaos's inner thigh
Chaos yowled like a wounded animal, falling off Kenny and digging the dart out of his leg.
'come on Chaos,' Kenny thought, as he climbed back onto the machine, 'where's the bots, where's the overly dramatic monologues, where's the lightning?'
Chaos leapt to his feet again, eyes stormy, before attempting to dragging Kenny off the device, wounded as he was. Kenny fiddled with buttons and levers, Blindly smacking at Chaos's form which clawed at him, scratching though his cloak into his back, at his face all while attempting to desperately pull him off the device.
Then the machine screamed.
A sharp, piecing noise that ran out through the air, and Chaos staggered away, screaming in agony.
Chaos's form rippled and shifted, falling apart at the seams, hot pink skin rippling into human flesh, and Kenny growled, turning around and straightening up as he cleaned his face from the scratches.
"I fucking knew it." he hissed, pulling out his staff and spinning it.
He smacked the machine with his staff, which stopped making the whining scream, and 'Chaos's' form stabilized, before dropping back to the hot pink woman he had met only a few weeks earlier.
"Ugh, I thought I had the fucker right this time." She hissed, baring sharp fangs,
"If you're looking for constructive criticism, you're talking to the wrong fucking cowboy." Kenny hissed,
"Look I'm just trying do my job so if you could just skootch off about," she inspected, "6 feet directly off this roof, that'd be great."
"Unfortunately I kinda need to be here to stop you from whatever harebrained scheme dressing up like Chaos drop kicked into your head," Kenny growled, lifting his staff "It's kind of my job."
"Do you get paid?" She asked, suddently interested,
"It counts to my volunteer hours." Kenny growled
"oh," She hummed, apparently dejected,
"why the hell do you need to do this in the daytime?"
"well assassinations are harder to do when you have no fucking clue where the fucker is."
"Wait you went from stealing magic books to assassinations?" Kenny gasped, "why?"
"oh well they're just so good for the community- OBVIOUSLY FOR THE MONEY DIPSHIT!" she closed her eyes and pinched her nose, "god why the hell is sparky so attached to-"
Kenny took the moment where she wasn't watching him to rush her. He slid his grip down on his staff and swung at her chest, sending her tumbling back.
She shook her head, before regaining her footing and rushing at him, claw like nails out and sharp as she leapt at him, only for Kenny to readjust his grip and block. She curled her talons around his staff and leaned all her weight into him, before swinging her leg back and then into Kenny's stomach.
"AH!" Kenny gasped, dropping his staff with a loud clatter. He gagged as his lungs emptied, the shock to his diaphragm expelling all breath from his chest and threatening the contents of his stomach.
The Shapeshifter laughed, and opened her mouth to say something, only for a loud crack to echo through the air, startling the two.
"are they..." she whispered, "shooting at us?"
Kenny recovered, grabbing his staff and sweeping at her knees.
She cried out as she fell to the ground, before rolling away and disappearing in a shimmer of light, as a triplet of cracks rang out. Kenny threw one of his throwing knives in the direction the shapeshifter would have gone, only for it to clatter to the floor uselessly.
Kenny huffed and wheezed, catching his breath and settling his stomach. When he was certain he wouldn't throw up, he turned to the machine.
He really should have been able to tell it wasn't actually Chaos, aside from the daytime thing and lack of visual clues as to what the actual damn thing was supposed to do, the machine was a cobbled together mess, old parts from various devices poorly stuffed into a shell. Chaos's machines were a point of pride for him, each named and decorated lovingly, and their purposes, while obtuse and situational, were clear, something that was going to attack you looked like it, and Kenny had taken that for granted.
"what the hell was her plan?" he murmured to himself, before sighing, and turning the machine off. His face and back ached, and he wasn't quite sure how to explain the shallow scratches to his face and back to his friends or his boss, but he was ready to get out of there.
Kenny jumped up onto the lip of the roof and turned his gaze towards the crowd below. His dark cloak rippled gently in the wind and his hood pulled low over his face. The low rumble of many people crying out at once suddenly rose like the tide, soaking Kenny in the sound.
He could hear the folks who knew the mythos, who heard the stories and believed in the cryptid vigilante chanting his name, Those who'd hadn't known or believed cried, talking over each other in shock and mania, and Those who were just relieved that the machine had been stopped and one of the tallest buildings in the city wasn't about to collapse or shatter called in joy and relief. Those inside the building had already flooded out, and the first responders were dealing with the few injured.
Kenny smiled, before turning on his heel and running off, grabbing his dropped knife and crossing the roof in a moment and moving to vault over to the next roof, only for another crack to ring out, and the world went dark.
---
The next thing Kenny was aware of was that he was in bed, and a phone was going off.
"shiiiitttt." Kenny groaned, covering his eyes to try and stop the ache behind them. He could tell what happened the afternoon before without even moving. Some cop or wanna be Punisher with good aim and terrible timing had got a shot right into the soft part where his spine met his skull. the bruises left behind and the stabbing ache through his skull were textbook shooting death side effects.
Kenny sat up and checked which phone was dinging. It was the Mysterion Burner, and Informatrice had been texting.
5:34
I: Hey I saw what happened downtown, you good?
I: I get it if you're gonna take tonight off, that was really public.
I: your #10 trending on twit btw
7:22
I: Figured youd take the night off, get some rest, we both deserve it.
I: Cops just now got up on the roof, working on getting the thing down now
9:55
I: Lmao cops just got the device off and are taking it in, def aint Chaos's usual work
9:56
I: speaking of, Hes out, but not doing anything
I: I think he's looking for you.
I: if you, at any point, go out watch yourself.
I: also your still trending. #6
7: 31
I: You up yet?
I: your #1 trending in the area.
M: IM WHAT?
M: also i just woke up lol
I: I figured, but yeah, your number 1 trending, mostly with vids of the fight and sharing around older pics of you. Some theories too, but most are ridiculous tbh
I: unless youre secretly a vampire lmao.
I: god Tweak Bros is so fucking busy right now,
M: oh god, good luck to them
M: God this wasn't the plan
I: Is there ever a plan?
M: theres like 1/4 a plan tbhhh
I: mood
I: anyway, fill me in on what happened?
M: oh yeah
M: so basically the shapeshifter we met leveled up from robbery to attempted assassination.
I: FUCKING WHAT?
Kenny smiled, rolling out of bed before pulling out his almost dead phone.
Clyde: So how's all the none believers feelin?
Bebe: stfu Clyde
Clyde: 😏
Kyle: get the fuck out of here with that smug ass shit.
Heidi: you get why most sane people didn't actually believe that there was a real ass superhero right?
Clyde: we are from South Park
Clyde: The Fact you DIDN'T is shocking
Red: This shit happening in South Park makes sense
Red: THIS PLACE IS SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL
Butters: I was allowed to go to Hawaii with ken at like 9,
Butters: im convinced that no where is "Normal"
Ken: that was fun tho, good memories.
Kyle: Oh hey, EKnnys alive, Yippee
Stan: Eknny
Kyle: SHUT
Kyle: THE
Ken changed their name to Eknny
Kyle: FUCK
Kyle: god damn it kenny dont do this to me
Eknny: *eknny
Kyle: I WILL COME OVER THERE
Stan: Kyle you dont even have shoes rn
Wendy: why doesn't Kyle have shoes right now?
Stan: chucked them at an asshole who got overly excited about Msyterion
Stan: Mystirion
Stan: how the fuck do you spell that
Kenny laughed, and leaned back in bed, before opening twitter and scrolling...
---
"Mysterion!" a voice floated over the rooftops, and Kenny groaned,
"Good evening Chao-" Kenny sighed, turning toward the voice, before Chaos grabbed his arm,
"That wasn't me." Chaos said, voice crackling with lightning.
"What?"
"Who ever that was yesterday," Chaos growled, tightening his grip on Kenny's arm, "That Wasn't Me."
"I know."
"You...Know?" Chaos asked, clearly confused, his grip on Kenny's arm relaxed,
"I know," Kenny smirked despite himself, "I fought the fake chaos, and I know you, I could tell."
"oh, uh good." Chaos let go and stepped back, "good, I'd uh, he! hope you'd know your greatest enemy!" the pep returned to his voice,
"Is that all you wanted Chaos?" Kenny asked,
"Are you not going to fill me in on what happened?" Chaos huffed,
"Why are you so concerned about it?"
"It was MY face! I have a right to know whose running around with my face on!" Chaos huffed,
"Chaos are you..." Kenny smirked, "jealous?"
"I am not Jealous!" Chaos rolled his eyes, "Like I, the great professor Chaos, need to be jealous of some nameless supervillain!"
"I'm allowed to have other villains Chaos." Kenny growled, before turning away,
"I'm not saying that!" Chaos growled , following on Kenny's heels, "I'm saying there's SOMEONE running around with my face on, and I deserve to know who it is."
"And if shes a threat."
"NO!"
"Your acting like a toxic girlfriend Chaos and I have a boyfriend." Kenny growled, before mentally kicking himself. He and Butters didn't have a proper label yet, and only really had a pair of failed dates (and one brief encounter in high school but neither really talked about it anymore), and referring to him as his boyfriend might have been a push to far, but hopefully Butters would never find out about this particular slip of the tongue.
Chaos seemed taken aback, before smirking "oohhh."
"Don't."
"do tell Mr. Dark and gloomy," chaos glowed, "Does he know?"
"Chaos." Kenny growled, glaring daggers into the villain,
Chaos lifted his hands, "alright alright, I'm going, I myself have a wonderful date in a few days, have a good night Mysterion."
Kenny sighed as Chaos rushed off,
"so how long have you been dating someone?" Informatrice purred, and Kenny groaned,