Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

gyuvin was fourteen when he jerked off to a man for the first time.

in his defense, it had been completely on accident. he was young and dumb and horny, scrolling through twitter for his nightly porn fix after discovering the wonders of whacking it late into the start of high school, and just happened to come across a video featuring the most glorious ass he had ever seen in his life being pounded into oblivion by some lucky guy’s cock. his own dick stirred to life so fast that it made him dizzy, and his eyes remained glued to the perfect pink hole stretched around the thick girth that filled it up so nicely as he scrambled to get a hand down his pants. 

the clip was fairly short but so was gyuvin’s road to a mind-blowing orgasm, and he came so hard into his boxers that it felt like his brain exploded and was melting out of his ears. in his post-nut haze, he barely registered the camera frame zooming out to pan across the whole scene, until he was promptly faced with the image of two men fucking each other. the one with the ass that he had just nutted to even had a beard. gyuvin, frozen in horror, could only watch as the couple kept going at it like rabbits in heat until the one on the bottom finished first, splurting thick white cum out of a shaft dangling between two saggy balls, the pretty pussy gyuvin had imagined nowhere to be found. 

gyuvin cried so hard afterward that he threw up. twice. he even swore off porn for a while, and managed to make it about one-and-a-half weeks in before all of his raging teenage hormones built up in a storm of extreme horniness and nature’s calling just proved to be too strong. still, he made it a point from there on to be extra careful about what he watched, and managed to keep his straight boy purity for a good few years after following that one incident. 

then everything changed the month right before gyuvin’s seventeenth birthday. this was during his summer break, when the entire eleventh grade of his all-boys boarding school embarked on a camping trip that unleashed about eighty feral almost-men creatures into their natural habitat: the wild, untamed woods. except for one distinctly balenciaga-clad figure, it was like every advancement in the history of humanity was suddenly reversed and the primeval ages had dawned upon society again, featuring hordes of boys stripping free from their clothes the first chance that they got as they pushed and shoved at each other while trampling throughout the forest, skin meeting skin at every second. 

gyuvin would have been right in the middle of the sweaty meat circle if not for one loner lingering at the outskirts of the camping grounds they had just set up, reluctant to stray from the tent he was sharing with gyuvin, seungeon, and yunseo. “what’s up,” gyuvin said, walking over to ricky, and his best friend flinched as if gyuvin was also going to strip bare right there that moment and then undress him too. “you’ve been pretty quiet today.”

“i’m always quiet,” ricky huffed in response, which was objectively not very true from gyuvin’s perspective because the soft-spoken international student that he had befriended at the beginning of their freshman year was nowhere to be found and instead there was a chatty cat who liked to yap his ears off every night in the dorms. not that gyuvin was complaining. “but everyone else is too loud.”

gyuvin suspected that ricky was just disoriented from leaving modern society and also still miffed from having his ipad confined by one of their chaperones at the beginning of the trip. “come on, why’d you wear fucking balenciaga to a camping retreat,” he snickered, tugging at ricky’s designer shirt, “there’s no paparazzi out in the woods, stupid.” 

ricky merely blinked at him. “i dressed down for this trip.” 

of course he did. gyuvin, an apgujeong boy who attended a fancy private boarding school, had considered his family rich until mister young and rich showed up on the first day of class casually flashing his fifty grand chanel watch. three years of living together and gyuvin still hadn’t seen ricky wear any…regular clothes, minus the few times that he had borrowed gyuvin’s hoodies for no apparent reason. even then he somehow always managed to pick out the more expensive ones.

“i don’t think you know what dressing down means,” gyuvin told him, and ricky just shrugged. he was completely decked out in jewelry too, fingers studded with rings and a couple of chains looped around his neck, all silver after a month-long phase of exclusively wearing gold. “are you just gonna stand there and scare away the vampires, or what?”

ricky made a confused noise as if he didn’t quite get the reference, but his feet remained stubbornly planted to the ground when gyuvin pulled at his arm a few more times. “come on,” gyuvin whined, “it’s getting dark already. we wanted to go down to the lake, remember?”

“you wanted to go down to the lake,” ricky reminded him, “ i didn’t say anything about the lake.”

“okay, well, if i want to do something, then you have to do it too,” gyuvin argued, “that’s just how it works.”

“no, it’s not,” ricky griped, even as he was unable to withstand the insistent nudging anymore and let himself be yanked forward with great effort on gyuvin’s part, “i don’t wanna get wet.”

“you don’t have to get wet if you don’t want to, alright?” gyuvin told him, and ricky stopped dragging his feet so much against the ground, probably only because he was getting dirt all over his shoes, but it made things considerably easier for gyuvin nonetheless. “no one’s going to push you into the lake.”

“fine,” ricky mumbled, and trudged after gyuvin without any further complaints. they made their way down to where some of the boys had gathered at the water’s edge and the first thing that happened was yunseo immediately trying to push ricky into the lake. he would have succeeded, if not for gyuvin holding onto ricky’s hand and reflexively tightening his grip when yunseo came barreling toward them. between yunseo’s sudden attack, ricky screaming, and at least eight other boys clambering around them, it took gyuvin far longer than it should have to realize that no one was wearing any clothes, with only a sea of unclad butts in sight. 

“SKINNY DIPPING,” junhyeon yelled right into gyuvin’s ear, and that explained it. he was naked as well, and gyuvin startled when the other boy’s bare nipple brushed against the back of his arm. it was rock hard and also freezing cold from the chilly nighttime air, even in late july, and gyuvin’s entire body flinched at the weird sensation of it touching his skin. he quickly ducked out of junhyeon’s way, and forgetting that he was still attached to ricky by the hands, nearly yanked them both into the water. 

ricky instantly scrambled to brace himself against gyuvin and whipped around to face him with wide, terrified eyes, like a cat scrabbling against the edges of a bathtub. gyuvin hauled his friend safely away from the water’s edge, and offered him a sheepish smile.

“you didn’t tell me we were skinny dipping,” ricky hissed, sinking his fingers into the flesh of gyuvin’s arms, and even with his neatly manicured nails it felt like claws digging into his skin. 

“i didn’t know we were skinny dipping,” gyuvin whispered fiercely in return, “the guys never said anything. i thought we were just going to, i don’t know, dip our feet into the water and skip rocks or something.”

“stop hugging,” seungeon shouted at them from where he was partially submerged into the lake water, trying to put up a tough front but unable to hide the violent quivering of his knees from how cold the water must have been, “that’s gay as hell.”

gyuvin didn’t know if he was imagining ricky stiffening up against him, just the slightest bit. gyuvin never minded getting touchy-feely with his best friend, cuddling up to him at night or holding his hand from time to time (as a joke, okay?), but now the scrutiny of their close proximity under the eyes of a dozen watchful boys made his skin prickle. he abruptly shoved the other boy away from him and squinted at the lake, where the reflection of the sun’s last dying rays bouncing off the slow ripples made it hard to see clearly. 

he located seungeon wading deeper into the water, leisurely waves lapping at his bare hips. “you’re butt ass naked,” gyuvin yelled back at him, “that’s more gay.” 

“it’s not gay ‘cause we’re all naked,” yunseo informed gyuvin as he brushed past him, tone matter-of-fact, “it’s actually gay if you’re still wearing clothes. which, you are.”

teenage boy logic. somewhere from a now perfectly appropriate and totally not questionably homoerotic distance away, ricky scoffed, but gyuvin kind of understood. he briefly considered just stripping down and hopping into the water, because why the fuck not, skinny dipping sounded fun anyway, but before he could make that decision himself the rest of the boys had already arrived at the same conclusion. 

junhyeon advanced on gyuvin with a slightly unhinged glint in his eye and gyuvin suddenly felt very unsettled. his instincts told him to run, but it was too late.

“get the hell away from me,” he screamed in a very cool and suave manner, unsuccessfully attempting to fend off the sticky hands that attacked his body. the idea of getting naked wasn’t nearly as fun when he was being forcibly undressed by at least three other boys, roughly manhandled back and forth as they unceremoniously yanked off his shirt and shorts. by the time gyuvin was defeatedly hoisted into the lake, yunseo barely dragging him off the rocky ground by the armpits while junhyeon and daeul each carried a leg, only a single sock was left clinging onto his right foot. a sad trail of clothes followed, including his other sock and boxers (which were, thankfully, patterned with plain stripes today and not the hello kitty print which was solely for his own viewing pleasure in front of the bedroom mirror). 

gyuvin didn’t even have time to check on ricky while he was fighting for his life, but a muffled yowl further up the shore told him that his best friend was suffering a similar or worse fate. “drop him on three,” junhyeon announced once they were deep enough into the water, gyuvin shivering as the cold waves licked at the small of his back, “three, t—”

yunseo let go even before the count was over, probably because in this position gyuvin’s face was uncomfortably close to his bare dick, although gyuvin thought that he had been doing a good enough job of staring resolutely in any direction that wasn’t upwards. gyuvin opened his mouth to shriek when he dropped headfirst into the lake with a hollow plunk and immediately swallowed about half the ecosystem into his lungs. 

“close your mouth, stupid,” junhyeon yelled when gyuvin resurfaced, coughing and sputtering up mouthfuls of gross swamp water, “haven’t you heard of brain-eating amoebas before? you’ll get us all infected.”

“why are you worried about those?” seungeon shot at him, waddling up to where gyuvin was still drowning in the lake, “you’re already missing a brain.” junhyeon retaliated by slapping his arm across the water and sending a huge wave surging toward seungeon, who screeched like a little girl and full-body flinched at the couple droplets that managed to splatter along his back. the rest of the torrent hit gyuvin, the unfortunate obstacle between junhyeon and his target, and he went down under again. 

staying afloat in water that was two feet deep would have been significantly easier if daeul wasn’t still holding onto one of gyuvin’s legs. gyuvin reached a blind hand upward and frantically tapped on the other boy’s fingers wrapped around his ankle until daeul loosened his grip and gyuvin’s lower half plunged into the lake. the rocks underneath were slimy with algae and it took him a good while to finally regain his footing, emerging from his battle against the waves with a heaving gasp. 

junhyeon was still trying to splash seungeon, only with the help of yunseo this time. seungeon couldn’t really run in the water so he was slowly prancing away like a leprechaun with a vicious wedgie, although there wasn’t much sense of urgency to his escape anyway, considering one of his assailants couldn’t aim for his life and the other one couldn’t kick water very far. gyuvin glanced away from the ridiculous scene and squinted out at the horizon instead, searching for something else but not quite sure what. 

the sun was setting low at the edge of the lake, illuminating a single strip of light that ran between the languid waves. it was disturbed by the evidence of a struggle, a series of lingering ripples left behind by the scrambling silhouette of a boy quickly making his escape toward the shore. gyuvin realized what he was looking for when the pattern of dappled rays broke and a slender figure rose gracefully from the water, a cascade of droplets shimmering like pearls as they dripped down his body in gleaming rivulets. 

for some reason, the sight made gyuvin’s breathing stutter in his chest. everything seemed to freeze in slow motion as ricky tossed his head back and ran his hands through his drenched hair, the curve of his spine arching delicately with the fluid motion. the warmth of the sun kissed ricky’s skin and made him glow like an angel, hazy backlighting creating a halo effect that defined each dip and swell between the smooth planes of his physique. 

ricky was naked. fully naked. it wasn’t a complete novelty—they were roommates, obviously gyuvin had seen ricky in various states of undress too many times in the past three years to count or care by now—but something about this was different. gyuvin had already been staring for far too long at his best friend’s bare body but he couldn’t bring himself to look away. ricky looked ethereal, and it wasn’t just nature’s cool arsenal of special effects that made him so radiant. 

it was just…ricky. maybe he had always looked like this. gyuvin wondered if staring into the sun was making him go insane or if he was actually seeing things clearly for the first time. he swallowed hard, a peculiar feeling tickling inside his lower stomach, and finally tore his gaze away to find his own blurry reflection in the lake instead. 

gyuvin watched his eyes, nose, and lips dance across the gentle waves, the shape of his features distorted by the movement of the water until he couldn’t recognize the face staring back at him. the confusing array of wobbly contortions made him feel dizzy, so hauntingly familiar yet strangely foreign at the same time, until a loud splash in the distance and the sensation of cold droplets splattering across his upper thigh jolted him out of his daze. 

gyuvin lifted his head and found ricky’s eyes staring right into his own, the hue of his irises darker than the depths of the murky waters below. 

“what are you thinking about?” ricky asked quietly, the low timbre of his voice barely carried by the pleasant summer breeze drifting across the clearing. cerulean blue pooled around his thighs as he approached gyuvin with slow, steady strides, each step closer to the shore revealing more bare skin tinged with a rosy blush from the frigid temperature of the waters. ricky’s chest heaved lightly with the effort of maintaining his even breathing and gyuvin tried desperately not to stare at the subtle swell of his breasts or how cute and pink his nipples were. 

you, gyuvin wanted to answer truthfully, every facet of his being consumed by the boy standing in front of him, like dry tinder thrown into a wildfire. 

he didn’t. instead he bit his tongue and lied, “my balls are fucking freezing.” it would have been the truth, if not for the fact that he had already lost all feeling in his nether regions and whether they were cold or not was frankly none of his concern anymore. 

ricky let out a small laugh, the high-pitched sound tinkling like bells in gyuvin’s ears. “yeah, mine too,” he admitted, and gyuvin’s gaze inadvertently flitted down to between ricky’s legs as he—ohhh , holy shit, never mind. gyuvin immediately snapped back to focus and snuck a glance at ricky’s face to gauge his reaction, cheeks burning at the anticipation of being caught and scolded—or worse, teased—but ricky’s attention was directed elsewhere. 

“where’s jingxiang? i’m going to smash that little fucker’s face in,” he mumbled, distractedly peering over gyuvin’s shoulder to narrow his eyes at the rest of the boys gathered on the land. gyuvin whipped his head around to see what ricky was looking at. 

“ma jingxiang dragged you into the lake?” 

“yeah,” ricky huffed, curling his arms around his chest as the chilly evening weather began to settle in and a shiver worked its way up his back. despite this, neither of them made a move to get out of the water. “i’m going to kill him.”

gyuvin blinked. “just jingxiang? it took three of the guys to get me into the water.” ricky swiveled his gaze around to fix gyuvin with a catty little glare.

“well, i was caught off-guard,” he bit defensively, “i could take jingxiang any day. i’m gonna go beat him up now.”

ricky could not, in fact, beat up jingxiang—or any other boy in their grade, for that matter. gyuvin was the one who bruised up his fists when ricky had just transferred into their school and was made the victim of some juvenile bullying for his demure manner and clumsy accent. no one had dared to touch ricky since, not with gyuvin plastered to his side day and night. the idea of ma jingxiang roughly manhandling ricky, stripping him naked and forcing him into the lake, made gyuvin’s blood boil with anger and something that wavered dangerously close to possessiveness. 

ricky took another step toward gyuvin, bringing their naked bodies almost unbearably close together, and gyuvin’s hand swiftly darted out to grab his wrist and prevent him from coming any nearer. the older boy glanced down at their conjoined hands, then back at gyuvin’s flushed face, a confused lilt to his tone when he spoke. “you aren’t heading back to the shore? it’s freezing out here.”

“no, the water’s kinda nice, actually,” gyuvin gritted out, betrayed by the chattering of his teeth knocking together with each syllable. “you go first. i’ll catch up with you in a bit.”

ricky gave gyuvin a funny look but didn’t question him any further. “have fun getting frostbite on your dick,” he snorted, wading past gyuvin, who tried hard not to flinch at the mention of his family jewels.

“blue balls, am i right?” gyuvin chuckled, shooting a couple of finger guns to accompany his own joke. ricky either didn’t hear or didn’t find it funny as he continued trudging forward until his back was all that was left within gyuvin’s line of sight. the rhythmic sway of his hips was alluring, hypnotic to gyuvin’s entranced gaze, and the dangerous spell was only released once gyuvin blinked and ricky’s figure was blurred among those in the distance. 

reality hit gyuvin full force as soon as he was left alone with his thoughts. he was all too aware that under the lake’s surface, his dick was rock hard. his best friend had given him a raging erection. guilt swarmed in his stomach and the unwelcome feeling from earlier surged under his skin, welling up in his airway and squeezing around his throat. 

“fuck,” gyuvin whispered to himself, fists clenched tightly at his sides. he felt wrong, the way he did when he first jerked off to a man by accident when he was fourteen, but this wasn’t some random dude acting in a shitty porno film on the internet.

this was ricky, and that changed everything. gyuvin knew that ricky was a boy, and gyuvin now also knew that he was attracted to ricky. something terribly overwhelming stuttered in his chest and he fought to breathe past the uncomfortable sensation, sudden tears stinging at the corners of his eyes. 

gyuvin was attracted to boys. he was aroused by boys. he wanted to touch a boy. he wanted to kiss a boy. gyuvin liked boys. 

or maybe none of this had anything to do with boys, and everything to do with ricky. 

“what are you thinking about?” ricky’s soft voice filters through gyuvin’s ears, echoing the same question he had asked all those years ago. gyuvin is shaken from the memory of seventeen-year-old ricky standing flushed and naked in the lake to twenty-one-year-old, present time ricky lying next to him in a similar state, chest tinged pink all over as it rises and falls along with the steady rhythm of his breathing. he looks fucked out even though they didn’t do much, just made out for a bit and snuck hands under clothing until both of them eventually came from dry humping against each other like dumb teenagers all over again. ricky had stripped himself bare afterward, whereas gyuvin still feels sticky all over.

“you,” gyuvin answers truthfully this time. he rolls around to face ricky on the bed, and manages to catch the way ricky smiles for a split second before the expression is quickly buried under a mildly exasperated scoff.

“lame,” ricky mumbles, and looks away. gyuvin reaches over to clasp his fingers around ricky’s slimmer ones, tugging at his arm so that their interlocked hands can rest against his chest together. he wonders if ricky can feel his heartbeat like this, if his own heart is beating at the same pace. 

“i wasn’t kidding,” gyuvin insists, “i was thinking about that time we went skinny dipping in the lake with yunseo and seungeon and the other guys from high school.” ricky’s face scrunches up at the mention of the memory, cringing so hard that gyuvin can feel it in the twitching of his fingers, and he grins. cute.

“don’t remind me,” ricky groans, throwing his free arm over his face, “that was so fucking embarrassing.”

“it was hot,” gyuvin laughs, and squeezes ricky’s hand until he squeezes back. gyuvin’s voice drops lower and he reveals in a whisper, “i think that was when i started to question my sexuality for the first time.”

ricky’s eyes dart over to gyuvin’s, pupils widened even though the rest of his expression is still hidden under his arm. since their trip to los angeles a month ago, gyuvin has made tentative moves to express how he feels and understands his own attraction to others. with that being said, they’ve avoided sitting down and having a lengthy discussion on the topic because ricky is adamant that gyuvin figure things out by himself first, without the pressure of needing to slap a label on his sexuality right away. what gyuvin has struggled to put into words has certainly been made known in his actions instead, but part of him still wants to be able to have that conversation with ricky. 

“when junhyeon nearly got his dick bitten off by a snapping turtle?”

gyuvin snickers. in all fairness that was, objectively, the most memorable portion of the night, although he knows that ricky’s just bringing it up here to be annoying. “no, when you were naked in the lake,” gyuvin tells him, “and you were walking toward me with your hair dripping wet down your shoulders, like a sexy mermaid or something.”

“sexy mermaid,” ricky grimaces. “don’t say that again.”

“seriously,” gyuvin confirms, tugging at their entwined hands, “you were the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. i’d never felt that way in my life before and i—i was so scared. my heart was beating so fast that i thought the whole forest could hear it. you made me feel,” he falters, the tangled feelings he had buried at that time trickling through his veins again, “like a sinner.”

ricky hums, amused, the feathery touch of his fingers ghosting gently over gyuvin’s calloused knuckles. “do you still feel that way?” the question is asked lightly, casually, more teasing than anything else, but gyuvin can still sense its weight nestling heavy into his chest. are you scared to be with me? 

“sometimes,” he admits, unable to hide his honesty. “you’re just so…” ricky’s eyes flicker toward gyuvin, gaze lit with curiosity as gyuvin lets his sentence trail off, and he hurries to finish his thought before ricky’s expression turns to one of offense or disappointment. “i feel like i don’t deserve you,” is what he ends up settling on. 

ricky is quiet for a moment, with only their mingled breathing filling the little space separating them. “i waited a long time for you,” he says at last, “ but i don’t regret it.” he studies gyuvin’s uncertain features for another beat, then simply adds, “i don’t think you should either.”

gyuvin’s heart swells with something overwhelmingly delicate and tender and—relieved, almost. the mood between them has shifted, suddenly far too solemn for their current post-orgasm states, soaking in layers of their own slick and sweat. gross. they’ll pick up this conversation another time when gyuvin’s brain isn’t scrambled from cumming so hard he nearly blacked out, just from ricky’s thigh rutting between his legs. 

“hey,” he says, a bit too loudly, and nudges ricky’s elbow with his own, “wanna hear a secret?”

ricky’s eyes widen, plump lips barely parting in an endearing little ‘o’ shape. gyuvin resists the urge to grab the blonde by his flushed cheeks and kiss him silly, or else they’ll never finish this conversation. “what is it?”

“when we were naked in the lake,” gyuvin begins in a hushed whisper, then pauses. he mulls over his confession, tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth, before inhaling deeply and blurting out the rest of his words in one rushed breath. “i was really super fucking hard.”

ricky just looks at gyuvin for a second, then rolls his eyes. “i knew that, gyuvin,” he huffs, shoulders shaking in a barely restrained laugh, “it wasn’t a secret.”

“what? how?” gyuvin whines, squirming against their rumpled sheets. his knee knocks against ricky’s thigh, where it remains firmly pressed into the warmth of his skin.

“we were standing in water,” ricky snorts. “the lake wasn’t that gross. i could see everything below the surface. your stupid huge boner was kind of hard to miss.”

“mannn,” gyuvin groans, muffling an embarrassed whimper into his pillow, “i felt like such a pervert. it took forever until i wasn’t hard again. i really thought my balls were going to freeze off and become fish food.”

“idiot.” it comes out sickeningly affectionate. a brief lull follows and when ricky speaks up again, he sounds uncharacteristically shy. “you looked hot back then, too,” he murmurs, expression hidden as his face tilts toward the ceiling, “i wanted you so bad.” 

“you could have had me,” gyuvin tells him in all earnesty. you could have taken me in a heartbeat.

a sharp inhale. it doesn’t quite go all the way, like there’s still air suspended from ricky’s lungs. something shifts in his demeanor, verging on upset, and gyuvin wonders abruptly if he’s said something wrong. “it never seemed that way,” ricky mumbles, the words slurred together, and his hand slips from gyuvin’s grasp as he heaves himself off the bed. “i’m gonna go shower first.”

gyuvin watches ricky gather himself, vaguely disconcerted by end of their exchange but hesitant to press matters any further. he doesn’t. “alright,” gyuvin says instead, reaching out an arm to tug at the hem of ricky’s boxers, which hadn’t come off with the rest of his clothes. “take off your underwear here and leave it with the sheets. that way i can just scoop everything together when i do the laundry.”

ricky seems to stiffen up at the suggestion, shoulders tensing in discomfort, or maybe gyuvin’s just imagining his reaction. “it’s fine,” he says dismissively, trying to bat away gyuvin’s wandering fingers, “our laundry hamper’s in the bathroom. you should grab all the dirty clothes in there too, anyway.”

gyuvin rolls over onto his stomach, propping his chin up into his palms. “nuh-uh. i was getting started early on chores before you came home, so i already took our laundry hamper over to the washing machine.”

“great.” 

“come on, just strip,” gyuvin wheedles, letting his cheek flop against the mattress. he peers up at ricky and catches a glimpse of his conflicted expression, plush bottom lip worried between his teeth. “what, did something weird happen to your dick again?”

(dick. yes. ricky had miraculously regained his original anatomy, somewhere on the flight between los angeles and seoul. they had discovered this during one of their many layovers in what was probably the most unfortunate manner possible: ricky sat down on the toilet seat for a bathroom break, as he was now accustomed to doing, and immediately registered his shaft plopping halfway into ice-cold water. gyuvin could hear him screaming from several stalls down the corridor, where he enjoyed the blessing of having the proper assets to pee in his usual urinal.

“okay, okay, so your dick hit the water,” gyuvin grumbled when ricky was recounting his traumatizing experience for the fifth time that day, “you don’t have to brag about it.”

“for the last time,” ricky groaned, rubbing a hand over his face, “it’s not ‘cause i have a big dick. the water level in that toilet was just weirdly high. it was gross, gyuvin.”

“yeah, well,” gyuvin shot back, “the next time my massive schlong touches toilet water, i’ll make a huge deal about it too.”

“i told you, i wasn’t—”

that little incident aside, ricky appeared grateful to have his own dick back in between his legs, or so gyuvin assumed. he was even more prudish than before now, closing—and locking—the door behind him whenever he used their bathroom. which was strange. maybe ricky was just extra shy and getting reacquainted with ricky junior was taking him some time, but still, one month seemed like plenty to gyuvin.)

the snapping of an elastic band against skin jolts him out of any further pondering. “nothing’s wrong with my dick,” ricky bristles defensively, looping his underwear over his ankles, “it’s perfectly fine.” contrary to his words, gyuvin can’t help but notice that ricky keeps his back to the bed as he tosses the dirtied garment onto the sheets and makes a quick break for the doorway. gyuvin isn’t complaining, not when his angle from the bed offers him a nice view of ricky’s cute little butt.

“use the new fabric softener i bought,” ricky’s voice carries from down the hallway, accompanied by the shrill creaking of their bathroom door. they really need to replace the hinges. “it’s lemon-scented. the lavender one we have always makes me sleepy.”

“yessir,” gyuvin yells back. the water starts running, droplets pattering steadily against the basin of their bathtub. he lies motionless for another few seconds, straining his ears to see if he can catch any of the musical performance ricky usually puts on when he’s in the shower. 

if i was your boyfriend, i’d never let you go 

i can take you places you ain’t never been before

gyuvin grins. he pushes himself off the mattress, then begins swaddling all the soiled covers together before he hoists them into his arms and heads off to their washing machine. 

baby take a chance or you’ll never ever know

naver search: how to do anal sex

gyuvin surveys the countless rows of links that immediately pop up in reply to his inquiry, and after a couple moments of deliberation, adds as an afterthought: with a boy

“i’m right here,” an amused voice startles gyuvin halfway through his second video of some random twink getting railed, “you can just ask, you know.” 

gyuvin yanks out his headphones, whipping around to see ricky leaning against the doorframe to his bedroom with his hands on his hips. “stop spying on me,” he whines, but holds out his arms anyway for ricky to stride across the room and fold into his embrace. his boyfriend is warm and smells like sunshine, probably because he was napping on the couch when gyuvin tiptoed past him earlier this afternoon, the only spot in the apartment that gets direct sunlight all day long. a joke about catnaps sits on the tip of gyuvin’s tongue, but he refrains in fear of meeting cat claws. “this was supposed to be a surprise.” 

“i don’t think ‘doing anal sex’ with your boyfriend is supposed to come as a surprise,” ricky says. he leans forward to peer at the video gyuvin was watching, and at gyuvin’s insistent tugging, ends up settling into his lap. a happy hum rumbles against his back as gyuvin presses his face into ricky’s sweater, breathing in the comforting scent of his fabric softener. 

fresh citrus tickles his nose, bright and sweet. “me being good at butt stuff would be a surprise, though,” gyuvin mumbles, “i wanted to learn before we tried anything together.”

ricky scoffs at that. “porn is an awful source for sex education,” he says, and promptly exits out of the tab. gyuvin braces an arm against ricky when the blonde twists around to face him, swinging a leg over his waist in one graceful move. “you know girls have butts too, right? you never tried anal with any of your girlfriends?”

gyuvin doesn’t like the way ricky says girlfriends, as if gyuvin has dated more than just the one girl at seventeen. even then, he’s pretty sure that he only got with miyeon because he was trying to convince himself that he didn’t have a crush on his guy best friend at the time—the guy best friend who is currently straddling his lap. gyuvin has fucked plenty of girls, sure, but none of them reached dating status the way ricky seems to think they did. 

he also doesn’t like the way ricky tries to bring girls into every conversation they have about sex now, whether or not he’s even aware of it, as if ricky thinks that gyuvin needs to compare his body to some aspect of female anatomy for him to be interested. ricky is the most attractive person that gyuvin has ever seen and that’s more than enough for him to be interested, regardless of what it looks like between his legs.

“i’ve never tried anal,” gyuvin confesses in response to ricky’s question, only because the older boy is clearly waiting for an actual answer. “you can take my butthole virginity.”

“gross,” ricky mutters. he swats at gyuvin’s shoulder, chiding him. “don’t put it like that.”

gyuvin buries a giggle into ricky’s chest, like he’s fourteen again and the word butthole still makes him laugh. in some ways it really does feel like he’s been thrown back into his early adolescence, when the topic of sex was all cool and scary and exciting, and even a first kiss seemed daunting. now at the age of twenty, with much more than just a first kiss under his belt, there are still new experiences waiting for him. fundamentally, gyuvin knows that fucking a man isn’t that much different—gay sex is just sticking his dick into another hole, after all—but this is ricky, and that changes everything. 

“what was it like?” the thought suddenly occurs to gyuvin that he should ask about ricky’s own sexual experiences, even though the idea of him fucking anyone else makes gyuvin’s stomach churn with something dark and ugly. hypocritical, maybe, considering that gyuvin himself didn’t hold back on having other partners in the past, but ricky is his boyfriend now and he thinks he’s allowed to be a little jealous. “growing up along with everyone else while they talked about girls, realizing that you were attracted to men?”

ricky hums, fingers playing with the longer strands of hair at the back of gyuvin’s neck. “not much different from any other hormonal teenage boy going through puberty, i imagine,” he says, “except i was fantasizing about dick instead of pussy.”

“whose dick?” gyuvin asks, a bit stupidly. any name other than his own would send him into a fit of sulking but ricky still considers the question seriously, nose scrunched deeply in thought. gyuvin expects him to name some character from a show, or an idol celebrity, or—

“when hanbin-hyung came back from college for the first time,” ricky starts, and that’s already far more than gyuvin wants to hear. his hands practically travel at light speed to clamp themselves around ricky’s mouth, muffling the soft tinkle of his laughter. “seriously, i thought he was so hot.”

“what about now?” gyuvin demands. ricky blinks at him, head cocked to one side.

“hanbin’s still hot,” he says, an obvious duh to his voice, “but you’re much more good-looking, of course.”

“and?” gyuvin wheedles, tugging ricky closer to rest flush against his chest. now he’s just fishing for compliments. ricky sighs and reaches down to cup gyuvin’s face in his hands, cradling the soft angularity of his cheeks.

“and cute, and sexy, and kind and sweet and caring, and also a little dumb, but only when you’re playing with me.”

ricky’s eyes sparkle as he lists all the characteristics of his boyfriend, teasing yet tender at the same time. gyuvin makes a satisfied noise, puckering his lips for a kiss to top it all off, to which ricky easily obliges. 

the kiss is sweet and innocent at first, a little shy around the edges with their lips pressed chastely together, but it quickly turns dirty when gyuvin licks his way past the seams of ricky’s mouth. ricky is so warm and soft and plaint under his lead, a taste of heaven in the moans swallowed from his tongue, and with the way he grinds his hips restlessly in gyuvin’s lap it takes the younger boy about thirty seconds of making out to become fully rock hard. probably less than thirty seconds, if he’s being honest. 

ricky definitely notices, giggling into the kiss at gyuvin’s eagerness and trying to tease him by rocking his ass backward. large hands grasp firmly around the dip of ricky’s waist, giving him a tight squeeze in warning, before gyuvin is lifting them both off his chair with the intention of moving their activities elsewhere. he practically tosses ricky onto his bed, a small gasp knocked out of the blonde as his back hits the sheets, keening at the display of strength. 

then gyuvin falters at the end of the bed, staring down at a breathless and flushed ricky, and is suddenly a little unsure of how to continue. “do you want…” he begins, and even before he finishes the question ricky is nodding his head up and down so fast that it leaves him a little winded. gyuvin grins, fingers curling around the hem of his shirt to pull it over his head. “cool, cool.”

“i’ve been waiting,” ricky murmurs, reaching out with his arms to coax gyuvin closer. his fingers roam over the planes of gyuvin’s hard-earned abs, admiring his lean physique. “i know you said we’d take it slow, but i didn’t think you meant this slow. aren’t you horny or something?”

so ricky had noticed that gyuvin was tiptoeing around the matter of sex, or at least going all the way. he’d thought that some kissing and dry humping would be enough for this stage of their relationship, but apparently it wasn’t, and now gyuvin feels a little silly that he’d been restraining himself when ricky wanted him just as badly. 

and to answer ricky’s question, yes. gyuvin was so unbearably horny around his sexy boyfriend all the time that on the days they didn’t mess around with each other, he had to pitifully jerk himself off for hours at night. “i was waiting for you to make a move,” gyuvin says, crawling between ricky’s legs, and the look on ricky’s face quickly goes from aroused to annoyed. 

“what did you think i was doing every time i gave you a boner?” he hisses, socked foot knocking against gyuvin’s bare chest. ricky wriggles when gyuvin catches his ankle in one hand, pressing a kiss to the side of his knee in apology. “do i need a flashing banner on my forehead that says ‘i want sex’ for you to get the message?”

“to be fair,” gyuvin mutters, “just making eye contact with you makes me hard sometimes. i can’t wear jeans around you in public anymore.” 

“you’re such a loser,” ricky scoffs, the bite of his words softened by the undeniable fondness warming his tone. rosy pink lingers on his cheeks, breath hitching when gyuvin’s hands brush over the insides of his thighs, and he blurts out in a whisper, “i want you.”

the feelings they share are nowhere near a secret by now, but hearing it out loud still makes something wild and frenzied pound in gyuvin’s chest, like his heart has found its pulse for the very first time. gyuvin halts, staring down at the beautiful boy in his bed, and is met with his own desire reflected in ricky’s eyes. “now, please,” ricky begs, bashful under gyuvin’s adoring gaze, and gyuvin can’t refuse him any longer.

“how do you want to do this?” he asks. he kicks off his sweats and boxers, letting them join his shirt abandoned somewhere on the floor, and doesn’t miss the way ricky zeroes in on his hard cock bobbing between his legs. it slaps lightly against his stomach when gyuvin sits back on his knees, one hand wrapping around the base to take the edge off his throbbing arousal as he waits for ricky to answer.

“on your hands and knees,” ricky directs him, “and stick your ass out.”

oh. oh. so they’re really doing something new today. gyuvin swallows hard but begins arranging himself on all fours, and nearly falls flat on his face when the palm smacking against his butt startles him. “i was just kidding,” ricky snorts, “i’m not making you bottom, dummy. get up.” 

gyuvin quickly scrambles upright, not wanting to miss a single second of ogling when ricky starts undressing himself. he’s been working hard in the gym alongside gyuvin but his body still maintains the soft, delicate figure that makes him look so ethereal, like a divine being sculpted from living marble. the only evidence of his human nature is in the superficial blemishes marking his pale skin, faded bruises from clumsily knocking into things and the darkened blush of his joints rubbed pink. 

there’s also a tiny scar dented into the side of ricky’s waist from falling off gyuvin’s bike once, back when they were brainless fifteen-year-olds betting who could pedal down a rocky dirt road on a steep slope the fastest. (ricky had won, but at a cost.) gyuvin runs his thumb over the scar as ricky slips his shirt off, recalling with amusement how the older boy had cried while receiving his stitches, despite insisting that he wouldn’t. he reminds ricky of the incident, and receives a sharp flick to the forehead as well as a complaint of how gyuvin only remembered his “uncool” moments from high school.

“you were so much worse,” ricky grumbles, and gyuvin doesn’t even bother to try arguing with that. “it was always your ideas getting us into trouble.”

“and you would still follow me, every single time.” gyuvin senses the hesitation when ricky’s hands slow down at the waistband of his pants, movements coming to a standstill. desperately wanting to touch for himself, he tugs ricky closer by the back of his thighs and hooks a finger into his shorts, peering up at ricky for permission to keep undressing him. when ricky nods, granting his consent with the slightest dip of his head, gyuvin makes quick work of stripping the rest of his body naked.

he flinches a little when ricky’s cock comes into view, fully erect and leaking at the tip. it wasn’t as if he was disgusted, or anything like that, but gyuvin had never been this close to another man’s dick with the intention of getting him off. it was pretty strange, for sure. none of that would dampen gyuvin’s enthusiasm, though, and he lets his hands roam freely over ricky’s bare skin, petting over the swell of his ass and fondling his thighs, feeling ricky shiver under his touch. 

“you’re so perfect,” gyuvin breathes, “perfect everywhere.” 

and he means it. gyuvin hadn’t thought much about other men’s dicks before, but if they could be cute, then ricky’s dick was…cute. he was pink and pretty and quite a bit smaller than gyuvin’s own size, which was really nothing to be ashamed about. gyuvin wonders if the other partners ricky had in the past also thought the same thing about him, or if he seriously had a problem when it came to his rose-tinted glasses for everything ricky. 

“stop staring and do something,” ricky mumbles, embarrassed at the praise, “just touch me already.”

“i am touching you,” gyuvin says, squeezing his fingers into ricky’s hips just to make a point, but he knows that ricky wants his hands elsewhere. he grabs the bottle of lube from his nightstand while ricky lays back against the pillows, lifting his legs for gyuvin to have easy access. the revealing position shows off the tiny pucker of his hole, practically begging to be ruined. “tell me what you want, princess.”

ricky wriggles against the sheets, impatient. “you’ve fingered girls before, haven’t you? it’s really not that different,” he says, grabbing gyuvin’s free hand and tugging it between his legs, “just go slow. it’s been a while since i last fingered myself, so it’ll be a tight fit.”

the image of ricky fingering himself is definitely something that gyuvin needs to see someday, but right now he wants to be the one who does the touching. he drizzles a generous amount of lube onto his fingers until they’re glistening in slick, then taps a finger to ricky’s entrance, experimentally rubbing against the puffy rim and trying to gauge ricky’s comfort level in the furrow of his brow.

“come on,” ricky sighs, rocking his hips for something more than the meager stimulation offered to him, “we’ll be here all day at this rate.”

no need for so many reservations, then. it’s not like this is the first time they’ve fucked either, gyuvin has to remind himself, even though that one night in los angeles when ricky had a pussy feels like a whole fever dream now. he remembers how easily ricky fell apart under his touch then, how much he begged for it with gyuvin’s fingers thrusting roughly into his hole, and taking it from behind wouldn’t be that much different, right? 

with renewed confidence, gyuvin runs his hand between ricky’s thighs again, this time pressing the tip of his middle finger into ricky and sinking it halfway in. just as ricky had warned him, the pressure around his hand is almost unbearably intense, but it only encourages gyuvin to drive himself deeper, working his finger in short, practiced motions before slipping in another. ricky is quiet except for the sound of his labored breathing until gyuvin slides his digits further in, curling slightly upwards and prodding against a particularly soft spot that has ricky’s back arching off the mattress, a loud moan tearing from his chest. “ah! gyuvin!”

“you like that?” gyuvin excitedly aims for the same spot and receives the same reaction, ricky’s entire body twitching as gyuvin thrusts his fingers into his hole. “wow, you really do,” he says, observing the way ricky’s mouth goes slack with pleasure, “i didn’t think i’d find your prostate so fast.”

“your fingers are really long,” ricky grunts, “and thick.” his head falls backward when the tips of gyuvin’s digits massage against his walls, hips stuttering with each stroke. “don’t keep touching there,” he gasps, hands reaching downward to tug gyuvin’s wrist away, “i’ll cum too soon.”

gyuvin stops targeting ricky’s prostate, reluctantly, and focuses on stretching him open instead. resistance meets his fingers at the third one prodding against ricky’s rim so he adds more lube to ease the slide, even though ricky is already so wet that slick is dripping down his thighs and staining the sheets below. lewd squelching noises fill the air as gyuvin pistons his fingers in and out, carefully twisting and scissoring them to thoroughly loosen ricky’s hole, and by the time he has three digits jammed all the way to the knuckles ricky is moaning like a pornstar with a constant stream of pleasured noises flowing from his lips. precum dribbles from the head of his neglected cock, making a mess of his lower stomach, and gyuvin wonders if ricky was even this wet when he had a pussy between his legs. 

“want me to put it in now?” gyuvin asks. he wiggles his fingers inside of ricky, waiting for confirmation. the older boy’s face crinkles in a slight wince at the prospect of taking gyuvin’s cock, having already experienced it once, but he nods, ready. 

ricky’s hole gapes enticingly when gyuvin pulls his hand away, slick webbing between his fingers. he smears the excess lube onto his waiting cock, then teases the tip between ricky’s legs. “put it in slowly,” the blonde pleads again, already overwhelmed by the pressure against his entrance, and gyuvin promises to be gentle with a sweet kiss to his forehead. 

the first thing gyuvin registers when the head of his cock pops past ricky’s rim is that ricky is tight—unbelievably tight, even more so than when he had a pussy. was this why guys did anal with their girlfriends? “wow,” gyuvin chuckles, the sound turning into a more focused grunt as he tries to push his cock further in, “you weren’t kidding. fuck. i feel like you’re going to break my dick in half.” 

“i feel like you’re going to break my ass in half,” ricky gasps in response, sounding like all the air has been crushed from his throat. “did your dick get bigger since the last time we fucked? because it definitely got bigger.”

“flattering,” gyuvin says. he rocks his hips forward in tiny, controlled thrusts, careful not to move too much before ricky can adjust to the stretch. a breathy mewl encourages gyuvin to press his length in deeper, forcing it another couple of inches into ricky’s inviting heat, and both of them moan in unison. 

“man, just shove it all in,” ricky mutters. his hips grind down onto gyuvin’s cock, recklessly trying to take more even when he can’t handle it, and he cries out when gyuvin punishes him with a swift blow to the ass.

“you’ll hurt yourself,” he scolds ricky, petting a soothing hand over the crimson blooming on his skin. “what happened to taking it slow?”

“okay, well, forget about that. i take it back.”

“no,” gyuvin says, and ricky sobs in frustration. at this point, gyuvin’s just holding back because he’s worried that he’ll cum too fast once he’s fully buried inside ricky. he takes a deep breath in an attempt at calming himself and begins working his hips back and forth, sinking his cock deeper bit by bit until he finally bottoms out, pressed flush against ricky’s ass. 

“how does it feel?” gyuvin makes sure to check on his boyfriend, brushing away the sweaty strands of hair sticking to his forehead to see ricky’s expression. his pupils are blown wide, a little teary at the edges, lips bitten red. “want me to take it out?”

ricky swiftly shakes his head, clutching tighter around gyuvin as if scared that he’ll pull out anyway. “no, you can move. it feels good.”

gyuvin doesn’t need any further instruction. he fucks into ricky with short strokes until the pressure around his cock begins to loosen, giving him enough room to pull out halfway and slam his length back in. ricky wails at the intrusion, muscles seizing and then going limp, and gyuvin takes advantage of his flexibility to push ricky’s legs higher and practically fold him in half, bearing down on the smaller boy from a better angle where his dick can easily reach deeper. 

“oh, fuck,” ricky whimpers, head rolling back against the pillows. 

he seems to be more responsive now than the last time they fucked, if that was even possible, and curiosity gets the better of gyuvin. “does it feel different from when i fucked your pussy?” he asks, and he can sense the way ricky stiffens around him at the question, clenching down so hard on his cock that gyuvin is forced to stop moving. 

“it feels better,” ricky says quietly, “i think i’m more sensitive from behind.”

his lips have started to form a soft pout so gyuvin leans down to kiss it away, gently licking and nipping at ricky’s mouth until he relaxes under gyuvin’s hold. “i think i like it better this way, too,” gyuvin admits truthfully, “it feels more like you.”

he watches the way ricky’s eyes glimmer, so round and dark and precious, and can’t help running a hand down the gorgeous body trapped underneath his to see those eyes go hazy with arousal. “ah, i’m close,” ricky mumbles, arching into gyuvin’s touch. 

gyuvin reaches for ricky’s cock, wanting to stroke him to completion, but ricky suddenly intercepts his hand. “don’t,” he says, sounding a little panicked, “i’ll do it myself.”

“why not let me?” gyuvin whines. ricky doesn’t answer, just stubbornly wraps his fingers around his cock and refuses to budge, so gyuvin focuses on fucking him instead. an angelic chorus of delicate ah ah ah's are plucked from ricky’s vocal chords as gyuvin makes love to him, grinding his hips in smooth, deep circles instead of punching in and out, and it’s all the more intimate with how their bodies mesh together into one. 

ricky cums first, spilling into his own hand with a sweet little cry of pleasure, and as he nears the edge himself gyuvin realizes that he isn’t wearing a condom and they didn’t talk about whether or not he could finish inside. it seems like ricky wants it from the way he clings to gyuvin, hugging desperately around his cock, but then gyuvin remembers the way that ricky had cried when he came in the older boy the last time they had sex. regret washes through him all over again, and after the last waves of orgasm tremble throughout ricky’s body, gyuvin yanks his cock out and hastily jerks himself off. 

sticky white paints the flushed canvas of ricky’s heaving chest, dripping down his pale skin in pearlescent beads. still warm and tingly from his release, gyuvin collapses back onto his haunches, and takes a moment to drink in the sight before him. 

the acknowledgement that gyuvin has just had sex with a man for the first time finally sets in, and a spark of thrill runs through his veins. as much as ricky had always embraced his inherently feminine features, pretty in every sense of the word, gyuvin would never be able to imagine that the body underneath his belonged to a woman. for one thing, ricky was tall, built to almost the same height as gyuvin himself, with broad shoulders and lean muscles that clearly defined his unmistakable masculinity. his moans were low and a little raspy, and there was much more resistance in the strength of his frame whenever gyuvin handled him. more obviously, he had a dick and balls between his legs rather than a vagina, and a flat chest instead of full, supple breasts. 

curiously enough, gyuvin doesn’t find himself missing any of those things. he had wondered if his own inexperience with touching a man would make him crave something more familiar, but there was nothing unnatural in the way he held and cherished ricky. 

“was that good?” gyuvin asks softly, bending over to caress the side of ricky’s cheek. his face is turned away, pressed against the covers with his expression mostly hidden, and gyuvin realizes that he’s been silent since they both came. fear lurches in gyuvin’s chest at the thought of making ricky upset during sex again, like when he messed up their first time. “i miss your voice, princess.”

he strokes the back of ricky’s head, gently carding his fingers through the blond strands as he waits patiently for an answer. ricky hardly stirs until gyuvin leans forward to kiss the curve of his neck, lips tracing the ‘r’ of his rolemodel tattoo.

“you didn’t cum inside me,” ricky whispers at last, “you came in me when i had a pussy.” 

gyuvin barely catches the words, half-slurred into the sheets, but the obvious disappointment weighing on ricky’s tone makes his heart twinge. “and i shouldn’t have,” he says firmly, “it was unsafe and i didn’t have your permission then. i’ll cum in you next time if you want me to, but we need to talk about it beforehand, okay?”

a reluctant nod is all he receives in return, ricky letting gyuvin coax his face upward with two fingers tucked against his chin. “i didn’t want to pull out,” gyuvin adds in a murmur, because ricky still doesn’t appear entirely convinced, “you would be stuffed full of my cum if i had it my way.”

ricky studies the sincerity of gyuvin’s expression for a moment, before finally offering a faint smile in the lopsided tilt of his lips. “don’t say gross shit like that,” he mumbles, clearly sober from the post-nut clarity now, and gyuvin huffs out a laugh. 

“noted,” he says, “sorry, bro.”

ricky makes a face at bro. “bro…friend,” gyuvin amends lamely, and the blonde only snorts. he pushes himself off the bed, grimacing at how the dirtied sheets stick to his skin, and gyuvin reaches over his nightstand for the wet wipes in his top drawer.

“just don’t call me bro when you still have your dick out,” ricky says, sitting nicely in place while gyuvin cleans the drying streaks of cum from his chest and stomach, “it’s weird.”

“of course, baby,” gyuvin says. 

baby is new, and gyuvin can tell that ricky likes it from the way he ducks his head to hide his pleased expression. tossing the soiled wipes aside, gyuvin drags his boyfriend back into the covers with him, making sure that they land on the slightly less disgusting side of the bed. then he drapes himself all over ricky, who makes a small noise of complaint but allows gyuvin to nestle into him from behind, content to be the small spoon. 

briefly, gyuvin wonders if he should say something about the insecurities ricky seems to have with his body, but the mood has brightened considerably now and he thinks that ricky will be able to work it out on his own. in the meantime, gyuvin will just have to prove that he’ll do whatever it takes to make ricky happy. 

“we’re late, we’re late,” ricky groans. he runs awfully fast for someone who usually moves in slow and languid strides, like a show cat on display, but right now he’s more like the greyhound eumppappa gyuvin left behind with his family in apgujeong. “hurry up, gyuvin!”

“what does it look like i’m doing,” gyuvin wheezes, hardly able to force the words out of his burning throat. they’re sprinting at the same pace, tearing down the same unevenly paved sidewalk that is fortunately devoid of its usual friday night crowd, and somehow ricky looks like he just walked off the cover of sports illustrated while gyuvin feels like he crawled his way straight from the pits of hell.

it’s unfair when gyuvin is actually in better shape than ricky, or at least that’s what he assumes since ricky never wins any of their little play scuffles. double unfairness points if you count the fact that it’s gyuvin’s birthday, and they’re currently on their way to his birthday dinner. 

“hold on, i’m gonna die,” gyuvin gasps out. he staggers to a halt, trying to catch his breath for a moment, and nearly eats shit when his shoe wedges against a raised crack in the pavement. ricky is there to catch him by the arm, hauling gyuvin back to his feet as he checks his phone for the time. 

“fuck,” he curses, flashing his screen to show that it’s already several minutes past when they were supposed to arrive, “we’re two blocks away and our reservation was at seven. the restaurant only gives you fifteen minutes for all parties to show up before they stop holding your table.”

“we’ll make it there,” gyuvin promises, straightening from his knees to start moving again. he doesn’t point out the fact that the whole reason they’re rushing in the first place is because ricky took way too long getting ready, but ricky looks so good that gyuvin can’t even be mad about it. he’s wearing more makeup than usual tonight, a sultry eyeshadow look paired with his usual signature cat liner, and gyuvin loves it. 

he loves it so much that it was, admittedly, also part of the reason why they’re running so late. ricky had to apply his lip gloss twice because gyuvin kissed it all off the first time, and then it was a struggle to keep ricky appropriately dressed the moment his fitted slacks were buttoned around his slender waist. in gyuvin’s defense, they had agreed not to tell their friends about the new development in their relationship just yet, so they had to leave all the flirting at home before meeting with everyone else. 

ricky grabs gyuvin’s hand, lacing their fingers together as he tugs the younger boy along with him, and they manage to reach their destination with mere seconds to spare. “just in time,” matthew’s cheeky voice welcomes the two when they finally step into the restaurant. gyuvin glances around to see all of their friends sitting at a table right by the window, familiar faces lit with excitement, and he greets them back with the same unbridled delight. 

hanbin smiles wide from ear to ear, beckoning both of them closer to come join everyone else. there are two empty seats waiting for the newcomers, and gyuvin lets his fingers slip from ricky’s grasp as they make their way over to the table. ricky begins heading for the seat next to hanbin, but gyuvin quickly intercepts and shoves himself between them, hand gripping tightly around the back of the chair. 

“i’ll sit here,” he tells ricky, and ricky looks confused for a moment before he must remember the last conversation they had about his little crush on hanbin from years ago. ricky lets out a huff, exasperated at the petty display of jealousy, but he meekly accepts gyuvin’s demands and takes the seat next to zhanghao instead. 

hanbin is the first to congratulate gyuvin on his twenty-first milestone, the special event they’ve all gathered to celebrate tonight. “happy birthday, our gyuvinnie!”

gyuvin is flooded with warmth when the loving sentiment is echoed by the rest of his friends, well wishes exchanged back and forth until the hunger kicks in and it’s time to get some food on their plates. a waiter arrives at their table and ricky makes gyuvin order for him, claiming that gyuvin always knows the best things to eat, even though ricky was the one who made reservations for this restaurant. 

“order for me, too?” taerae jokes, waving his menu at gyuvin. 

“order for yourself,” gyuvin shoots back, then tells the waiter that ricky will have a filet mignon steak with truffle butter and a side salad. an approving hum affirms his choice, although he knows that if ricky ends up not liking the meal, then gyuvin will be the one finishing his plate. 

ricky does, thankfully, enjoy his meal, and gyuvin can keep his pasta dinner for himself. no one bats an eye when gyuvin reaches over to cut ricky’s steak for him, slicing it into perfect little bite-sized chunks so ricky won’t spend the whole dinner just chewing through his mouthfuls of meat. it’s a common occurrence whenever they get together for barbecue anyway, gyuvin manning his side of the grill with a pair of scissors on hand while ricky eats all the juiciest cuts that gyuvin places into his bowl. 

“so how was your trip to los angeles?” jiwoong is the one who brings up their vacation from three months ago, although most of gyuvin’s memories are filled with honey blonde hair and dark feline eyes instead of the city sights. “it seemed like you two had fun.”

gyuvin recalls a photo that he had sent to their group chat the morning they left the states, a silly mirror selfie where ricky was caught slightly off guard but still somehow managed to smolder into the camera. what their friends don’t know was that the picture was taken right after they had been making out for a while, clothes rumpled from hands roaming over skin and lips reddened from kiss after kiss, and he wonders if anyone had noticed those incriminating details. 

“it was a lot of fun,” gyuvin says at the same time ricky goes, “gyuvin lost my charger in the airport.”

“i bought you a new one, didn’t i?” he immediately jumps to defend himself. from the other side of the table, gunwook looks at yujin and rolls his eyes, as if to say here we go again. “besides, i told you to check all your belongings before we boarded the flight.”

“you left it all the way in the bathroom,” ricky mutters. “that was my favorite charger.”

“and i replaced it with the exact same model and brand, so you can quit whining about it.” now they’re just bickering for no reason, as usual. gyuvin slips a hand underneath the table, finding the shape of ricky’s leg to his left and giving it a firm squeeze, and anything else ricky wanted to say is immediately gone. 

the conversation continues with gyuvin’s hand still resting on ricky’s thigh. “i bet the girls in los angeles were hot,” matthew jokes, echoing what gyuvin himself had said months ago. he can feel an ankle hook around his leg, dragging up the inside of his calf in a teasing gesture. “did you get lucky with anyone?”

“oh yeah,” gyuvin says. he doesn’t look at ricky when he speaks, afraid that his smitten expression will give things away, but gyuvin nudges him back with the heel of his shoe. “real lucky.”

ricky hides his smile behind a napkin as hanbin gasps, scandalized. “not in front of the kid!” he scolds, throwing his palms around yujin’s ears. gyuvin laughs when yujin tries to duck away from hanbin, fending off the older man’s censorship hands with little success before he ultimately surrenders to his fate.

“i’m eighteen,” their youngest mumbles indignantly, sulking into his chair. “i know all of these things, too.”

that sets off another series of chastisements around the table, the rest of their friends eager to poke fun at yujin as well. ricky has been eyeing the pasta on gyuvin’s plate so gyuvin feeds him a bite while the attention is focused away from them, and he can’t help being entranced by the way ricky’s plush lips close around his fork. 

good? he mouths. ricky nods, eyes shining, and gyuvin sneaks him another bite. a bit of red sauce smears on the corner of ricky’s lips, and gyuvin almost leans in to kiss it off before he’s reminded of their surroundings. he hands ricky a napkin instead, and glances up to see only zhanghao’s gaze flickering in their direction. 

gyuvin pretends not to notice. he lowers his head and shovels a massive portion of rigatoni into his mouth, trying not to think about how ricky’s lips had just touched his fork and somehow that makes his food taste better. the sweetness of tomato coats his tongue, turning more sour as the flavor lingers, and he swallows it down with only a slight hitch in his throat. 

as the night wears on, gyuvin finds himself embraced by the easy company of his friends, catching up with new developments and reminiscing over old memories. a few bottles of soju get passed around somewhere in between, and by the time they finally leave the restaurant hours later, the cold evening breeze hits him like a splash of ice water to the face. gyuvin is completely sober, having only taken a sip of alcohol to commemorate his birthday, but ricky is more easily goaded into drinking by their friends and he clings to gyuvin’s arm for stability as they shuffle down a set of stairs. 

“see you,” gyuvin yells down the street, waving an arm at hanbin and zhanghao’s departing figures. jiwoong had already taken yujin home earlier, and gunwook and taerae were heading back to matthew’s place for a few rounds of gaming. the invitation to join had been politely declined by gyuvin, since ricky was tipsy and being surrounded by men yelling at a console would probably only make him nauseous. 

ricky follows gyuvin’s motions, raising an arm to bid their friends farewell with a giggle. he’s in a noticeably good mood tonight, not just from the influence of alcohol, and that makes gyuvin happy. as soon as they’re alone, only two figures illuminated by the dim street lamps, gyuvin grabs ricky by the hand and shoves their intertwined fingers into his coat pocket.

“let’s go home,” he says. 

it’s a remarkably chilly night for late august, but gyuvin still feels hot from the adrenaline flushed throughout his system. or maybe it’s the way ricky presses against him, squeezing gyuvin’s fingers tightly between his own, even though the couple shots of soju he had taken should have worn off by now. 

“waitwaitwait,” ricky gasps when they stumble into their apartment, keys jingling in the lock. gyuvin already has the blonde pinned against the front door, hands on his waist and mouth on his neck, but he lets ricky push him away with nothing more than a discontented whine. “i have a surprise for you.”

gyuvin cocks his head, puppy-like. “a surprise?” 

“it’s your birthday, dummy.” ricky laughs, breathless. turns out the gucci ring sitting on gyuvin’s pointer finger, a one-up of the flashy pink trinket that he had gifted ricky for his last birthday, wasn’t all that ricky had prepared. of course he would spoil gyuvin with something more. gyuvin taps his fingers along the curve of ricky’s hips and grins, expectant. 

“go sit on my bed,” ricky says, voice dropping to a shy murmur as he gives the command, “and wait for me.”

gyuvin is down the hall in a flash. he flops onto ricky’s bed, grabbing one of the pillows and hugging it to his chest. his nose presses into the linen cover and he breathes in deep, inhaling the comforting scent of ricky’s nightly lavender spray, but no amount of sleep-inducing essential oils could calm the drumming of his heart. only moments later, the door creaks open and gyuvin is startled into jolting upright, having expected ricky to take at least ten minutes with whatever he had planned. 

“done already?”

“could you have waited longer?” ricky counters. he’s dressed in a robe now, sheer silk that flows with the movement of his body, but nothing else has changed. gyuvin is dying to see what’s underneath, fingers itching to untie the knot lightly wrapped around ricky’s waist.

“no,” gyuvin admits, reaching out to tug the older boy closer. 

he peers up at ricky, once again admiring his pretty face. ricky’s makeup is a little ruined from their night out by now, dark eyeshadow blurring into his waterline and mascara weighing down his lashes into a half-lidded gaze, lip gloss smudged at the edge of his bottom lip. only his eyeliner remains untouched, still sharply winged to perfection. if he’s being honest, gyuvin thinks that ricky looks even better now than he did when they left the apartment. 

“what’s the surprise?” gyuvin prompts him.

“why don’t you find out yourself,” ricky says, and that’s all the go-ahead gyuvin needs. he tears into the knotted belt of the robe, practically clawing the fabric straight off ricky’s body, and his brain immediately short-circuits at the sight that greets him. 

lace. dainty and expensive, certainly not covering much, sitting pretty around ricky’s hips. “holy shit,” gyuvin croaks, feeling like he’s just been sucker-punched in the throat. “fuck.”

the body displayed before him is such a work of art that gyuvin almost can’t bring himself to touch, even though he desperately, desperately wants to touch and touch and touch until every inch of ricky has been marked pink underneath his fingers. gyuvin remains frozen in place, still unsure if he died and was sent an angel to take him to heaven, and his lack of movement seems to give ricky the wrong idea. 

“do you like it?” ricky asks hesitantly, as if all the blood in gyuvin’s head isn’t rushing downward to his other head so fast that he’s about to pass out. neatly manicured nails pick at the strings of the thong, anxiously waiting for a reaction that isn’t just gawking and staring. “i wanted to ask if you liked lingerie, but i didn’t want to ruin the surprise.”

“what kind of guy doesn’t like lingerie?” gyuvin has to laugh, incredulous. “of course i like it, ricky. you look—fucking gorgeous.”

“i feel a little silly,” ricky admits. his slender fingers curl around the fabric of his underwear, baby pink with delicate frills and definitely not something he bought from the men’s boxers section. then he adds in a low whisper, “it makes me look like a girl, right?”

gyuvin freezes with his hands over ricky’s waist, palms hovering so close to his skin that he can feel the heat radiating between their bodies. he wonders if ricky is still intoxicated, but the gaze that meets his own is crystal clear, only clouded with a hint of blooming worry. slowly, gyuvin’s smile drops. 

over the past several weeks, ricky had seemingly become more secure with his own body again, encouraged by gyuvin’s efforts to embrace his masculinity within their relationship. gyuvin knows that it’s been a difficult mental adjustment for ricky—fucking his best friend while he had a pussy might not have been the best move to realize gyuvin’s attraction to men, in hindsight—but gyuvin will reassure him again and again that this is what he wants. 

“ricky,” gyuvin says. “i don’t want you to look like a girl.”

sensing the change in mood, ricky recoils, immediately becoming self-conscious. his hands falter around gyuvin’s wrists as if he still needs the comfort of clinging onto him, fingers digging into his skin. “that’s not—” he tries to play it off, but gyuvin shakes his head. 

“i’m not under any illusions,” gyuvin says firmly. “you’re a man, ricky, and i like you. i love you. it’s a man that i want, so stop trying to convince me that you’re anything else, okay?”

ricky draws in a shaky breath, unable to look at gyuvin in the eye as he stubbornly casts his brimming gaze aside. “i want to believe you,” he says, quietly, “but then you get so nervous when you see me naked, and sometimes i feel like you’re scared to have sex with me. we agreed to give things a chance, but you don’t have to force yourself to be with me, you know.” 

that gives gyuvin pause. out of nowhere, a sudden giggle threatens to burst from his chest despite the somber tone of ricky’s words—because is that really what’s been bothering him this whole time? 

“ricky,” he starts, then has to press his lips together. gyuvin can’t hold back his expression any longer, shoulders beginning to shake as he tries to tamp down his amusement, and ricky looks so affronted that he actually seems to forget his own distress for a moment.

“what?” he demands, swatting an petulant hand at gyuvin’s chest. gyuvin just laughs, catching ricky by the wrist and dragging the blonde to flop over him with a startled yelp. he buries his face into ricky’s neck, cradling the boy tightly in his arms, and breathes his warm scent deeply into his lungs. 

“i get nervous every time you’re naked because you’re hot as fuck,” gyuvin explains, “and i get scared whenever we have sex because i feel inexperienced and want to prove that i deserve you as my lover. none of that has to do with you, and i want to be able to work through these issues without you blaming yourself for them.”

gyuvin finishes his rambling, hoping that the earnesty behind his words will be enough to convince ricky. he hadn’t even realized that he had been showing reservations during their intimate moments, always too eager from his own perspective, but maybe he still had insecurities of his own to figure out. 

the world around them ceases to exist as ricky is caught in gyuvin’s overwhelming gaze, rosy lips parted around nothing. “oh,” he says at last, a little dumbly. gyuvin lets out a soft laugh, leaning forward to press their foreheads together. 

“i think,” he says, “we’re both kind of stupid.”

“speak for yourself,” ricky mumbles. a beat passes before he pushes himself upright with his hands on gyuvin’s chest, straddling the younger boy’s thighs. “do you still want your birthday present, or?...”

gyuvin takes ricky apart slowly, gently, and ricky unravels beneath his fingers like a ribbon wrapped around the most precious gift. the lingerie stays on, and gyuvin admires the contrast of something so sweet and dainty adorning ricky’s lean, boyish body, a complement and contradiction both at once. ricky is filled with so much love, pooling in his heart like melted caramel and dripping down his thighs in milky rivulets, and gyuvin thinks that he’s perfect. 

so, so perfect. 

it isn’t until the early hours of the morning, long after gyuvin’s birthday has trickled into the next day, that he remembers something else he wanted to tell ricky. gyuvin wiggles around in his bed and pokes at a vaguely ricky-shaped lump squished against the wall on his cramped twin mattress, jostling the older boy out of his half-asleep state. 

“wanna know something funny?” gyuvin whispers, swallowing down a giggle. “do you remember miyeon?”

“miyeon,” ricky echoes, brows narrowed in confusion. back in high school, gyuvin recalls that ricky had never gotten miyeon’s name right a single time on any of the few occasions he was forced to acknowledge her existence. maybe he wasn’t just being petty after all. “your next-door neighbor?”

“my high school girlfriend,” gyuvin reminds him, “the one i dated for three months.”

“ah,” ricky exclaims, voice lilting upwards in sudden recognition, before it abruptly drops off at the end of the syllable. “yeah. i remember.”

blonde strands tickle the bridge of his nose, forming a crease across the light dapple of freckles where ricky had forgotten to apply sunscreen throughout the summer. gyuvin rolls over to brush the stray wisps from his face, and can’t resist squishing the swell of ricky’s cheeks as he pulls his hand away. 

“she has a girlfriend now,” gyuvin reveals, grinning at the way ricky’s eyes widen in surprise, “guess i wasn’t the only one who learned something from that relationship.”

ricky sits up straight, curiosity dancing in the slow blink of his lashes. “no way.”

“yes way,” gyuvin confirms, and digs for his phone somewhere underneath his pillow to pull up the evidence on his screen. “we still follow each other on instagram. look, aren’t they cute?”

he swipes to a post of miyeon holding hands with someone else, pointing out the taller girl with cropped, red hair as miyeon’s partner. in the next photo, their eyes are hidden from the frame but the two girls have their lips are pressed together, a clear giggle caught in the kiss. the last slide shows matching tattoos on their upper arms, a bunny and a turtle, with numbers that gyuvin doesn’t know the meaning of inscribed below. my love, the caption reads.

“should we get matching tattoos?” ricky suggests, knowing exactly what the reaction would be. he laughs when gyuvin shudders at the thought of a needle scratching along his skin, head shaking vehemently. “that was a joke.”

“matching rings, maybe,” gyuvin says, a little offhandedly. miyeon’s instagram account is still open on his phone, and he can’t help swiping through a few more of her posts. one particular photo captures his attention, and gyuvin recognizes the outfit that miyeon wore on their first date. he can barely gather any memories from those few hours, too preoccupied with the rigid silence from ricky’s end of their kakao talk when gyuvin told him that he was seeing a girl the weekend before, but somehow he still remembers the baby blue sundress that miyeon had worn. 

gyuvin finds himself staring at miyeon’s picture. she was pretty, cute in a very typically feminine way, and gyuvin did like the sparkle in her eyes and the sugary scent of vanilla shampoo in her long, dark hair. sometimes he would get butterflies in his stomach when she reached for his hand, her tiny fingers curled into his larger ones, and he was always happy to let her drag him out on shopping dates. all of it was great, and could have been something more, but there was no doubt that the feelings gyuvin had for miyeon completely dulled in comparison to the way his heart pounded for ricky. 

“i don’t think i’m gay,” gyuvin says, suddenly. 

that was not the way he should have phrased his revelation. gyuvin braces himself for the divorce papers to be served, but instead ricky just glances over at gyuvin, waiting for him to continue. “i definitely like boys,” gyuvin clarifies hastily, “i like you. but i still like girls, too.”

ricky only snorts in reply, squeezing gyuvin’s fingers between his own. “i assumed so,” he says. “you can like both, you know. you can love anyone you want.”

he smiles at gyuvin, so undeniably fond. “i’m…bisexual,” gyuvin finally says out loud, “i’m pretty sure.” 

gyuvin thinks back to when this all started three months ago, in a hotel located somewhere around the heart of los angeles. if he’s being more honest with himself, then maybe it was four years ago, when he saw a naked ricky emerging from a sun-kissed lake in the middle of the woods. or there was a chance that everything had already been decided when they met seven years ago, from the moment he sat down next to the new transfer student shen quanrui at their assigned desk in the classroom and smiled at him. no matter how or when the universe brought them together, gyuvin and ricky would have found each other.

“i’m proud of you,” ricky murmurs. in the faint moonlight peeking through the window blinds, gyuvin can just barely make out the shape of his features. even if he couldn’t see, gyuvin could probably trace them a million times just by touch, perfectly outlining ricky’s eyes, nose, and lips under his fingertips. “and i love you.”

the words are slurred with sleep, syllables jumbled around ricky’s tongue but no less sincere than if they  were fully conscious. gyuvin returns the sentiment with a kiss pressed to his forehead, and suddenly another thought resurfaces. “hey,” he says, nudging ricky again, “what did you wish for on your birthday?”

ricky doesn’t answer right away, choosing rather to close his eyes and pretend to be asleep. what a brat. “don’t tell you me you actually wished for a pussy,” gyuvin teases, which makes ricky’s eyes pop straight back open. 

“of course not,” he huffs. “i like my dick, thanks.”

their faces are so close together that gyuvin goes a little cross-eyed from staring into ricky’s eyes flickering in the darkness, so sharp at times and rounded at others. right now it’s the latter. “i wished,” ricky says, after several quiet moments of their mingled breathing filling the air, “for you.”

he doesn’t elaborate on the words any further, exactly what he wanted or in what way, but gyuvin thinks that he understands enough to know that ricky got his wish. he wonders if ricky ever thought that pining after his straight best friend was hopeless, and if gyuvin were to ask ricky would likely say something along the lines of you’ve always been hopeless, but his gums would be peeking through his annoyed facade and he would look at gyuvin like he hung the stars in the sky. “best birthday gift ever, huh?” gyuvin jokes.

if ricky were any more awake he would push gyuvin off the bed, but instead the younger boy just receives a snooty hmph and a knee poking into his leg, which ends up nestled against his side. now it’s ricky’s turn to do the prompting. “what about you?” he asks, actually wanting to know, “you made a wish, too.”

it feels like a lifetime ago when they celebrated gyuvin’s birthday, even though barely a few hours have passed. a melody of familiar voices echoes in gyuvin’s ears, the glowing faces of all their friends lit by the candles decorating the top of his cake, and still ricky’s smile remains the brightest in his memory. it was the last thing gyuvin remembered before he blew out his candles, and then everything else disappeared.

gyuvin rolls over onto his stomach, burying an insuppressible grin into his pillow. “you’re not supposed to tell anyone if you want your wish to come true,” he says. superstitious, perhaps, but gyuvin isn’t taking any chances on this one. 

that earns him a displeased yah! from his boyfriend, along with an adorable pout that works dangerously well on gyuvin way too often. “not fair,” ricky insists, “i told you mine!”

the rest of his complaints are muffled as gyuvin folds ricky into his embrace, one arm wrapping around his waist to pull their bodies flush together, and he shushes the smaller boy with his blonde locks tucked snugly under gyuvin’s chin. “but you already got your wish, didn’t you?” 

gyuvin doesn’t have his wish just quite yet, but he hopes that in the next two, three years he’ll be able to tell ricky exactly what he wanted, in front of all their friends and family as witnesses. maybe they would be back in los angeles to revisit old memories, or somewhere new like france or switzerland to celebrate a fresh beginning. it seems far-fetched to think about when they’ve only just started dating, but gyuvin has already loved ricky for seven years, no matter whether they called themselves best friends or lovers, and he doesn’t think that will ever change.

“i hope you wake up with a pussy tomorrow,” is all that ricky mutters in response. 

gyuvin can’t hold back a laugh, both of their bodies shaking underneath the covers. well. maybe some things could change, then, but nothing that they couldn’t handle together. 

small steps, he reminds himself. they have all the time in the world, anyway.