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"I got the keys," David says triumphantly, over the phone.
"How?" Paul says. "Why?"
"You said you wanted to sleep over in the house," David says. "So I told them we'd go live with a tour. Advertising for season three."
Paul feels a little touched, to be honest, that David would remember that. "Are they sending a crew with us?"
"Nah," David says. "It's supposed to feel like we snuck in. I think they're sending us a GoPro?"
"We can work with that," Paul says, running it in his head. "Anybody else coming?"
"Guy's coming," David says. "Not your brother, the other one." That tracks; Guy and David are close, and the three of them will complement each other.
"Yeah," Paul says. "I mean, great, when can we go?"
--
The lights are out at the house when they arrive, which makes it feel very spooky in an unfamiliar way. "Should we start the stream now, or should we wait until we've turned the lights on and everything?" Guy asks.
"It looks way more like we're sneaking in if the lights aren't on," David says. "Do we have a flashlight?"
"I'll just use my phone," Paul says, turning the app on.
"Let me just remember how this fuckin' thing works," David says, turning on the camera and then fiddling with his phone. "Okay, if I didn't massively fuck this up, we're gonna go live as soon as I press this button." He looks at the two of them. "Ready?"
"Yeah," Paul says. "Guy, you start, I think."
"Why not," Guy says, stepping in front of the camera. "Whenever you like."
"In five, four-" David says, counting the rest on his hand.
"I can't see your fingers," Guy says, but he can see David point to him. "Hi, hello everybody, Guy Montgomery here, standing in front of the beautiful Taskmaster House, where we're about to break in. Just to share the blame, I have with me Paul Williams-" David turns the camera on him, and he waves- "and behind the camera for the moment, David Correos." David turns the camera on himself, giving a thumbs up. "Well, gents, let's get to it."
The three of them make their way to the front door, where David hands the key off to Paul. Guy steps in front of him, making it a little less obvious they're doing this completely legally. "Now, young Paul," Guy says. "Does the Taskmaster live in this house, as the Original Flavor Taskmaster lives in his?"
"It doesn't have any bedrooms," Paul says, in his placid assistant voice, pulling the door open. He's even wearing his little assistant suit, and Guy's glad he decided to troll Paul with yet another shirt.
"There's a bed in the caravan," David points out, as they walk in.
"Jeremy's my height, and I couldn't fit two thirds of myself on there," Guy says.
"We're usually not down here, because it's not very interesting," Paul says, indicating the space. "The lockers are through here, and the lab is in the back hallway."
"I am never interested in being in the lab," Guy says firmly. "It's a place of horrors."
"Might as well check it out anyway," David says, and Guy is immediately suspicious.
They reach the lab, and Guy flicks the light on, pushing back the curtains; he almost jumps out of his skin when he sees Urzila and Laura. They're sitting at the table with a Ouija board between them, small candles set around it.
"A little respect?" Urzila says, and Guy is so flustered he turns the lights back off. "Thank you."
"Do you think the house is haunted?" Paul asks.
"Only by the remnants of our bad luck," Laura says. She picks up her notepad. "All we've got is F-Y-O-U-L-A- well, that's not very polite."
Urzila cackles, which really has more impact in the setting.
"Should we just leave?" Paul asks.
"Apparently the spirits are very cranky," Laura says, raising an eyebrow.
"Only fuckin' with you," Urzila says, as the rest of them slip back into the hallway. "Here, you do one for me."
"So, uh," Guy says to the camera. "Things are active tonight, apparently? Probably best to go upstairs."
"That's a special feature," Paul says. "We don't really show people the stairs."
"Now why is that, Paul?" Guy asks.
Paul shrugs. "Liability I think," he says, trudging up them, and Guy has no idea how he can be so infuriating and so funny at the same time. Guy flicks his shirt buttons open in retaliation, exposing a lovely photo of Paul at uni.
Paul waits until they're all in the main room before turning the lights on.. Guy steps in front of the camera, putting a finger to his lips. There's a bulky shape on the couch, and he knows it's someone hiding. He sneaks over and whips off the sheet dramatically, to reveal-
Some pillows.
"Bit anticlimactic," Guy says.
"I didn't think so," a voice says from across the room, and both Guy and Paul jump. A human-shaped figure takes a lampshade of their head, with a reveal that's much more satisfying.
"The way you pulled the blanket off was really good," Angella says. "Shame it was just pillows."
"What's that smell?" Paul says.
"I think it's coming from in there," Angella says, indicating the kitchen.
In the kitchen is Matt, who has not gotten the memo about sneaking around. That, or it stems from the fact that cooking with the lights off is very dangerous.
"Hey guys," Matt says affably. "Steaks'll be ready in about ten minutes."
"Nobody said there would be steak," Paul says.
"For anybody with wrong opinions about meat, there's also potato curry," Matt says. "Smells pretty good, actually. Might have to have a bite myself."
"So did all of you agree to come ambush us?" Paul asks.
"Hmm?" Matt says, his attention on the oven. "Nobody told me about an ambush. I thought Angella was just, y'know, finding her groove or something."
"In the dark, with a lampshade on her head," Guy says. He thinks about it. "I wouldn't put it past her."
Urzila and Laura are just coming up the stairs, and Guy looks at David. After a silent conversation, Guy waves everyone over. David looks around; it turns out the thing he's holding the camera on folds out, and he sets it down on a likely table, getting in with everyone else.
"That's it for your backstage tour, because the house isn't actually very big and it's dark outside, so we can't go see the sewage pond," Guy says to the stream. "We hope you enjoyed whatever this was, and now we're eating steak. Goodnight."
There's a chorus of goodbyes, then David goes hand-first at the camera, covering it while he cuts the stream.
"What the fuck just happened?" Paul says, and except for Guy laughs. Paul picks up on it. "You didn't know either?"
"Absolutely no idea," Guy says.
"We can talk about it while we eat," Matt says firmly, shepherding them out to the veranda, following soon with food.
There's a table for all of them to sit around, enjoying the late-spring breeze. Matt's steaks are amazing, and it's just really nice, hanging out with these people he wouldn't have known nearly this well otherwise, with nothing hanging over them.
"So you all are staying over?" Laura asks. "You don't think the house is a bit creepy at night?"
"Not unless all the lights are off," Guy says skeptically. "Is there a reason for it to be creepy?"
"Did the ouija board tell you something?" David says, but he looks amused.
"I don't think there's a ghost or anything," Laura says. "Creepy in the way a train station is at two in the morning."
"We'll huddle for safety," David says.
"Be careful you don't-" Urzila says, making a clicking noise. "You know, if you huddle too close."
"How close do you think this huddle is gonna be?" Guy says.
"Maybe you should stay eight inches apart for safety," Urzila says.
"Sounds generous," Angella says, then looks scandalized at herself.
"Is it safety, or is it just not knowing how to have a good time?" Laura says.
"I am learning so much about same-sex huddling," Matt says.
Paul frowns, pointing at Guy. "When did you put that shirt on?"
"Is that related to the huddling?" Guy can't help but ask, and Paul just narrows his eyes.
Dinner eases to a stop, followed by more sitting around and bullshitting, but eventually Laura, Matt, Angella, and Urzila clear the premises. Paul, David, and Guy clean up, as David promised they would do; Guy doesn't particularly mind. He's in a good mood in general, and there's not a huge mess anyway.
"So," David says. "Bed?"
Honestly, they ate very late, and Guy could stand that. A thought occurs to him. "You said there were no beds."
"There aren't," Paul confirms.
"That's what all this is," David says, indicating all the pillows and things from the couch that were so dramatically unveiled earlier. He seems to notice that Paul and Guy aren't swayed. "No, look, I've got futons, and those foam pad things, and sheets and all."
"I only count two futons," Paul says.
"They have to go side-by-side," David says. "Yes, I will sleep in the crack, since it was my idea."
"Why not," Guy says, and he starts helping David remove the bedding and arrange it on the floor.
It gets weird about ten minutes in.
It's not totally dark; there's some kind of small light in one of the corners that nobody knows how to turn off, as well as just a bit of glow from an exit sign that's hiding behind the partially-open stairwell door. The result is that Guy can make out both David and Paul pretty clearly, almost like how you can see everything at night in a movie.
Neither of them have moved much, David to his left, in the crack as promised, Paul on the other side of him. David has rolled over, though he's pretty firmly in Guy's personal space still, and bafflingly, he's got his arm around Paul, cuddled up close to him.
Guy is aware that some people cuddle in their sleep, that's a real thing, but while he can't see David's face, he's pretty sure he's not asleep. Paul almost certainly isn't; his eyes are shut, but he's got a dreamy little smile on his face.
"David?" Guy says.
"Yeah?" David says, not rolling over.
Guy tries to find a nice way to say it. "What the fuck are you doing?"
"What's it look like?" Paul says, still not opening his eyes.
"This doesn't feel right," Guy says, sitting up.
"You worried about your masculinity all of a sudden?" David asks, looking back at him. "Too gay for you?"
"I think it's not gay enough," Guy says. "Three fully-grown men shouldn't be cuddling unless they just fucked or they're just about to fuck." He's aware he's just made himself complicit in this without having been invited, but he can't stop to worry about it.
"If I jack you off, will you calm down?" Paul asks, opening his eyes.
Guy is gobsmacked, but recovers. "What are you gonna do if I say yes?" he challenges.
Paul looks at him in that perfectly blank way he has, like Guy is too much of an idiot for words. "Jack you off," he says.
Guy turns to David. "Did you plan this?"
"No, but if I knew Paul was gonna give out handjobs, I might have done it sooner," David says.
"That's not actually what I said," Paul says. "I agreed to handjob, singular."
"You've got two hands," David says. He picks Paul up by the waist like he weighs nothing, and Paul laughs despite himself. David deposits Paul between himself and Guy and immediately kisses him. He looks at Guy. "Is this gay enough for you?"
Guy still kind of can't comprehend that this is happening, but he has this weird need to keep going. "It could be gayer," he says, laying back down.
Paul looks over at him and lifts an eyebrow, and fuck it, Guy has backed down from many a challenge, but not this one. He leans in and kisses Paul; in his head it's going to be hard, maybe a dominance thing. The problem is that Guy is just not very dominant. Not in a kinky way, because he's just never really explored that stuff, but he's a collaborator at heart. So his lips encounter Paul's and it just feels very nice. Paul has a softness to him, and it's very enjoyable at this particular moment.
"That's more like it," Guy says, when they part.
"Have we reached the appropriate gayness level?" David asks.
"Gayness threshold achieved," Guy confirms. "But that's the basement, not the ceiling."
"You didn't say bottom and top on purpose," Paul says.
"It's too early for all that," Guy replies. "There's no bottom in a handjob."
"Is there?" David says consideringly.
"We are really getting off course here," Paul says, and kisses Guy, maybe just to shut him up.
Guy's still mostly on his back, feeling a bit removed. It's still all very close though, underneath the blankets, and Guy doesn't stop it when he feels Paul's hand cupping him through his clothes. He can't resist the way he presses up into it, pushing against Paul's fingers.
Paul doesn't even really push Guy's sweats down; he just works his right hand into the waistband and into his boxers. Something about it feels overly familiar, maybe, or presumptuous, like Paul is not going to do this In the Proper Way because they're past that. Guy doesn't know that they are past that, but then Paul wraps his hand around Guy's cock. It's smaller than Guy's, and he can feel the calluses when Paul strokes him lightly, the weird pattern that comes from being a musician.
Paul grips him a little tighter, like he's gotten a feel and now he's going for it, and Guy, it's not that he stops worrying, but he definitely has different things to focus on. He knows Paul dates women, but he also knows this is not the handjob of someone who has never given a handjob before.
Guy is perfectly willing to leave it at "bisexuality is a thing" as long as Paul doesn't stop.
Guy moves his clothes out of the way a little bit, even though he can't see what's going on. He'd kind of like to watch his cock moving in and out of Paul's fist, but he also kind of isn't sure this is really happening, and it feels too good to break that spell.
Paul laughs, sounding a little breathless, and Guy isn't sure what's happened. Then he hears what must be David kissing him, and then David makes a satisfied noise. Guy dares to spy on what's happening next door; David has turned on his side, facing Paul, and it turns out he wasn't kidding about Paul having two hands.
Should Guy have turned on his side? Now it seems a little weird that he's all the way over here, but it might be even weirder to correct course.
Either way, Paul keeps moving his hand, and Guy can't help but thrust into it, his hips working shallowly. Paul is shockingly good at taking care of both of them at the same time. It very much seems like he's done this before, but maybe it's just beginner's luck. Guy doesn't really care; that's more like interesting trivia than anything that matters right now.
Guy never thought about it before, but now that he is in this situation, it seems like an absolute certainty that David would be loud in bed. This idea has been confirmed easily. He keeps saying little things to Paul, just sort of "You're so good at this" and "This is so hot" kinds of things. It could be off putting, but it's weirdly nice? David is acting like this is so normal, and while it's not actively getting Guy off, it's also not worsening the experience.
Paul starts moving his hand faster, his grip a little firmer, and Guy makes a noise, just a little "Mmph", which is a lot for him. He's never going to be the person saying things; he hates how "sexy" words sound in his own mouth. Absolutely ruins the effect. He doesn't try to push himself this time, just lets it happen, David providing a little bit of soundtrack while Guy just loses himself.
Guy is so close, and Paul hasn't faltered at all, just strokes him faster and faster. Guy's whole body is tensing, instants away, when he hears David. He just says "Oh, fuck" very tightly, then groans.
Guy doesn't know why it makes him go off, but it definitely does. He spills over Paul's hand, sighing in relief. Paul keeps going until he's completely spent, until he lies back peacefully on his futon.
"You can wipe it on my shirt, I don't care," Guy says, because he can sense rather than see that Paul is sitting there with come on his hand and no towel.
"Your shirt has a picture of me on it," Paul says.
"Then you can wipe it on yourself," Guy says. Paul snorts, but he wipes his hand on Guy's side anyway. What he does with his other hand is really David's business.
It's potentially too late, but Guy rolls over onto his side, looking at Paul and across to David. David has his hand resting on Paul's stomach; Guy can't decide if it's just the light, or whether Paul looks flushed. He's certainly been exerting himself.
"You have incredible hand-eye coordination," Guy says, just to break things up a little.
"I wasn't looking," Paul says.
"I don't think that makes it less impressive," David says. "Now what do you want?"
Guy was thinking about just grabbing Paul's dick and seeing where things took them, but this is an interesting question. "I mean, you don't have to go to a huge effort-" Paul says.
"I'm going to suck you off," David says decisively, throwing the covers off of Paul.
"Wait," Paul says, laughing.
"Nah," David says, getting in between his legs. "Two handjobs equals one blowjob."
Guy is fascinated by this thing where Paul keeps protesting and David keeps ignoring it but Paul continually lets him do what he wants anyway, but he's not going to ask. "That's just simple maths," Guy says.
Paul is definitely very hard, and David rubs his cheek up the length of him through his shorts. Paul makes a little noise, of the kind that says that he is very, very into it, and it's absolutely sexy. David doesn't waste any more time, peeling down Paul's clothes so he can get his cock free. He licks the head of it, like he's trying to tease, then he sucks it down, almost to the base in one go.
It is amazingly hot, but Guy is unsatisfied with just sitting here and watching, even when Paul gasps when David starts to move his head. He needs to find something else to do. He's not going to leave, that's preposterous, but he's not sure how to be an accessory to a blowjob.
He looks at Paul, and Paul looks delicate somehow, so gorgeous with his mouth hanging open, his breath coming quick. Guy doesn't really know what his emotions are doing, because his brain has been emptied out besides "small man very sexy." David, also very sexy at this moment, must do something particularly good, because Paul arches up and gasps.
And Guy doesn't know why he does it, he's never done anything like it, it is just somehow the thing he chooses to do with his life at this moment, but he puts his hand on the no man's land between Paul's chest and neck, Paul's collarbones under his fingers. He pushes Paul onto the mattress, not very gently, and says, "You need to stay where you're put."
Paul's eyes are big, catching the dim light, but he looks ludicrously turned on. He doesn't say anything, just nods, and Guy can feel how quick his pulse is underneath his hand.
Guy would be perfectly within his rights to panic, but actually he just bends down and kisses Paul, as hard as he likes. He doesn't take his hand away, and he doesn't loosen his grip. Paul is squirming a little, his breath coming in pants when Guy breaks the kiss. Guy has no idea what's happening at all, but it's so painfully hot that he can't stop. He bites Paul's earlobe, nipping at it sharply, and Paul makes a whimpering noise that goes straight to Guy's dick.
It's so easy, even though truly, David is doing the hard work. Guy doesn't say anything, just keeps kissing Paul, his hand slipping down to ruck Paul's shirt up. He just wants to feel some actual skin, the way Paul's stomach is tensed, the way he sucks in a breath when Guy pinches his nipple. Guy doesn't know where any of this is coming from, on his end, but it's so much less important than the way that Paul cries out when Guy bites his neck.
Paul is getting close, and David is showing him absolutely no mercy. He's taking Paul all the way to the root, making the kind of wet, sloppy sounds that are only hot in context. Guy wishes he could think of something sexy to say about it, but he really can't. Instead he kisses Paul harder, and when Paul starts arching like he's begging for it, so close to the edge that he's moments from snapping, Guy puts a hand right around his throat and pins him again.
Paul shudders when he comes, looking wrecked and beautiful. It keeps going, but finally Paul relaxes onto the mattress, sinking into it like he has no bones. Guy turns him loose, but it feels weird to take a hand off him. David finally looks up, and he looks entirely satisfied. It's a good look on him, smugly pleased, like the cat who got the cream.
"You okay?" David says gently, putting Paul's clothing back to rights, and Paul nods. "Are you alright for a minute? No offense, but I really need to wash my mouth out." Paul laughs breathlessly and then nods again.
David gets up, and it's just Guy and the person he gave himself very strange feelings about. It's not Paul's fault that Guy is still confused, but Guy is confused about him, and he continues to be here. Guy doesn't know what to do and knows even less what to say.
So Guy just kind of doesn't say anything. Paul's a good deal shorter than him, so he nudges Paul onto his side and wraps his arms around him, spooning him. Paul makes a contented noise, relaxing a bit against Guy, and Guy can make confused faces at the back of Paul's head in peace.
After a bit, David comes back. He gets in next to Paul immediately, throwing the covers over all of them and cuddling in like it is completely obvious that's what needs to happen.
"Congratulations, Guy," David says, after he's settled. "This can't possibly get any gayer."
"Well," Guy says, just to be an asshole but also, if anybody's interested, not necessarily kidding.
"Blowjobs are not any gayer than anal sex," Paul says, firmly but sleepily, "and I am not taking two guys with no lube."
Guy just stares for a moment. "I have just so many questions about that statement." He tries not to say anything, but eventually can't help himself. "If it had been one guy-"
"Why do I get cut out?" David says.
"I was using that as a general term," Guy says. "If it had been one Guy, or one David, would that have changed things?"
Paul turns his head, putting his face in his pillow. "I deeply regret saying anything."
"I deeply regret not bringing any lube," David says.
Guy doesn't have any idea how to express "If you want to tag-team Paul later, I'm into it" and really probably shouldn't anyway, and instead says, "If there are any opportunities in the future, please keep me in mind."
His buddy Justin calls it "kidding on the square", and it strikes Guy he's been doing it a lot lately.
But either way, David laughs, and Paul huffs and shakes his head. That's good enough, to be honest. For the moment, he's honestly just good with being in this surprisingly comfortable arrangement. Paul is warm next to him, and Guy's hand has migrated to David's side. It's very cozy, and maybe he'll just rest here and relax.
Until morning. This isn't over.