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Ronan sat in his car, the phone lying on the passenger seat where he had thrown it after his conversation with Declan, and his hand loosely gripping the steering wheel, knuckles bloodied from when he had punched the wall.
Usually, he would have just hung up the phone and drive, but the day had already been going like shit; he had woken up almost bringing back a night horror from his nightmare which still lurked in the back of his mind, Gansey, probably knowing what day it was, had been giving him worried looks the entire day, and now Declan had called, saying he wanted to check in to make sure Ronan wasn’t doing something stupid, which had been the last straw.
He could go back to Monmouth, but Gansey would notice that he was drunk and lecture him about it. He could go racing. But even through his foggy brain, he knew it wasn’t a good idea.
He wanted to go back to the Barns.
He clenched and unclenched his fist, grimacing at the sting. Everyone was just waiting for him to fuck up and break apart; Declan to clean up the mess, Gansey to take care of the pieces and Kavinsky to play with the broken pieces.
Everyone, except one person.
Starting the car, Ronan drove towards St. Agnes, the drive passing in a blur as the route was so familiar now. He didn’t know when Adam’s apartment had begun feeling like a safe haven, but between the impromptu visits and sleepovers, it had happened.
He parked outside the church, and dropped his head on the steering wheel, letting himself get lost in memories; his mom's joyful laugh, his dad's warm voice, Declan and Matthew's yells and shrieks as they played in the fields.
It was dangerous, going back to past memories, since most of them tended to morph into terrible things. But sometimes, he couldn't help it. So he sat there, each memory breaking something inside him until his chest felt like burning and every breath hurt.
Shaking himself out of the thoughts and back to present, he went out of the car, shutting the door with a satisfied slam, and made his way upstairs. He knocked on the door to Adam’s apartment and he thought of leaning against the door because standing was a lot of work right now but the door opened sooner than he expected and Adam stood there, hair tousled but he didn’t look like he had been sleeping.
Adam stepped aside to let him in and Ronan walked in as Adam closed the door. He must have seen the swaying Ronan tried to hide as he said, “You’re drunk?”
Ronan nodded instead of saying something snarky because he didn’t want to argue today. He stopped as he saw the notebooks open on Adam’s desk. “Oh, you were studying. I didn’t mean to disturb. I was just-” He knew he didn’t usually have to give an explanation when he came here, but he knew how Adam felt about drinking. “Gansey would get all Gansey if I went back like this and we’d argue, or I’d just race with Kavinsky.” He wouldn’t usually think twice before going to race with Kavinsky, but today, even thinking about him made Ronan’s skin itch.
“I should leave anyway.” He moved to leave but Adam caught his wrist.
“Hey, it’s okay. I was almost finished anyway,” he said. “And you shouldn’t drive like this.” He led Ronan to the bed and Ronan’s eyes were fixed on his hand still holding his wrist.
After making him sit down, Adam started taking off his shoes.
“I’m not a kid, Parrish.”
“I know. But you’re drunk.” There was no judgment in his voice, it was just a fact.
Adam got a first aid kid and sat down in front of him, taking his hand as he began cleaning the wound. Being around Adam hurt in its own way. It was a helpless and vulnerable sort of pain. First, there had been quiet desperate prayers of ‘Please, God, let me have this’ and picking fights like barbed wires around his heart. And now there was the burning jealousy since Adam had started going out with Blue. He liked seeing Adam happy though, even if it felt like something inside him was dying when Adam smiled at her or held her hand.
“This is not necessary, you know,” Ronan said, hoping his voice sounded unaffected. Adam’s hands were cold against his skin and it was doing annoying things to Ronan's heart.
Adam just shrugged, wrapping a bandage around Ronan's knuckles. Then he closed his fingers around Ronan's chin and leaned slightly closer to inspect his face. "Are you hurt anywhere else?"
Ronan shook his head, ignoring the way his skin tingled at Adam's touch. “Aren't you gonna ask who I fought?” he asked instead.
“It's not really any of my business,” Adam replied. Placing the first aid kit to a side, he sat beside him on the narrow bed, their shoulders brushing. “Should I ask what happened?”
Ronan shrugged, knowing he didn’t need to tell Adam anything, but still finding himself saying, “Today’s dad’s birthday.”
He heard Adam suck in a sharp breath.
“It’s not a big deal, I know,” Ronan continued because he didn’t want Adam to pity him. He could feel tears burning at the corner of his eyes so he blinked hard. He couldn't break down in front of Adam. “I mean it’s just a fucking date but...”
“Even just a date can hurt,” Adam said because somehow he knew Ronan well enough that he didn’t need words to understand what Ronan meant.
Ronan nodded again, swallowing against the painful lump in his throat. “I just… I wish so much hadn't happened.” He never really talked about this, but he couldn't stop the words from pouring out of his mouth. “Like if it was just him we had lost, we could maybe move on together. But we lost mom too. Declan and I can't be in the same room without fighting. Mathew is-” He paused, closing his eyes tightly, because he didn't know how to tell Adam what Mathew was. He couldn't even think about it without guilt crushing him, how could he bring himself to say it to Adam?
He felt Adam stroke a thumb over his cheek and that’s when he realised that the first tear had escaped. “I know we can’t make your demons disappear,” Adam said, “But I wish we could help."
Ronan blinked open his eyes and turned to Adam to find him looking back at him with an open expression. Ronan had been used to always see Adam’s face guarded, the mask slipping away sometimes when Ronan made him do stupid stuff with him and he laughed freely, but lately, he had been seeing more and more of Adam letting himself be truly open around Ronan, especially during these late nights when the world was quiet and nothing existed except the two of them in this small apartment.
“You do help,” Ronan rasped, he couldn’t say how, because it revealed too much about things he was desperate to hide and it was complicated for even him sometimes. But he wanted Adam to know that he did.
“That’s good to know,” Adam said with a soft smile.
Taking a chance, he leaned his head on Adam’s shoulder. He hadn’t expected Adam to put a hand on his bandaged one and place his head on Ronan’s, but he was extremely grateful for the sudden warmth it filled him with. Something unfurled and settled inside him.
They sat like that as Ronan's tears slowly fell onto Adam's shoulder. Adam didn't say anything about that or his hiccups and shuddering breaths, just stroked his bandaged knuckles softly. The pressure in his chest subsided gradually as his eyes grew heavier.
“And for what’s it’s worth, I’m glad you came here,” Adam said after sometime, making Ronan’s heart skip a beat.
“You’re only saying that because you don’t want Gansey to yell at you if I race,” Ronan teased, because he didn't know how to respond to that. His voice sounded hoarse from crying and he grimaced, clearing his throat.
He felt Adam shake his head. “I can just remind him that we can’t make you do things you don’t want, or stop you from doing things you want.” He seemed to hesitate a little, probably thinking whether he should say more or not. In the end, he did. “I just know that arguing with Gansey can make you feel guilty, even if sometimes it shouldn’t.” Ronan knew he was saying that from experience. Because while Gansey and his arguments were usually because Ronan did something wrong, Gansey and Adam’s were mainly because Adam didn’t do what Gansey wanted him to.
“And you know how I feel about Kavinsky,” Adam continued.
Ronan almost steadied himself for a lecture on it, but instead Adam sighed and said, “He just sets off all my gut instincts. It’s like being around a snake or something. And whenever you’re around him, I feel like you could get hurt. But like I said we can’t save you from your demons, nor whatever his deal is so.”
Ronan wasn’t expecting that. He knew Adam didn’t like Kavinsky, but he didn’t know so much of it was because of Ronan.
“I’m trying to be careful,” Ronan said, “Like I came here instead of racing.”
“That’s good. Like I said, I’m glad you did.”
Ronan sniffled, rubbing his tired eyes with his uninjured hand.
“Do you want to talk about your dad?” Adam asked after a few moments.
“I don’t know. Maybe not today.”
“Alright,” Adam said easily. “You wanna sleep then?”
Ronan nodded and shifted to move to the floor, but Adam stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. “You’re already going to wake up with a hangover, I don’t think you should add backache to that too. You should sleep on the bed. I can take the floor tonight.”
“No, this is your bed. I won't throw you out,” Ronan said incredulously, hand moving off its own accord to grip Adam’s shirt as he moved to leave the bed.
“Then we can share,” Adam said with a shrug.
Ronan’s eyes widened but he forced himself to not react. He was still holding Adam’s shirt but he couldn’t think about it over the pounding of his heart in his chest. Sharing a bed with Adam was dangerous in so many ways. “I could bring something dangerous back,” he said, trying not to think of all the other ways it was risky.
“Then we’ll deal with it in the morning. It’s not like the floor is so far anyway,” Adam said and he did have a point. Even if Ronan slept on the floor, the apartment was small enough that if he brought something back, it could hurt Adam either way. It didn’t make him feel any better, but Adam seemed calm about it.
So Ronan nodded. “Uh… okay then.”
They settled down carefully, facing each other, the bed was small so it was a tight fit. Adam’s arm was hovering over Ronan’s waist, as he asked, “Is it okay?”
Ronan nodded, not trusting his voice. His mind was fixated on every point of contact between them, Adam’s warmth around him and the small puffs of Adam’s breath falling over his lips.
Adam put his hand on Ronan’s waist and Ronan didn’t breath for a moment, afraid of breaking this trance between them. His hand was still holding Adam's shirt tightly, but he couldn’t bring himself to let go. He would never have this again, so if it was for only this one time, maybe he could let himself have this. He breathed out, feeling the last of the tension drain out from his body.
He moved his gaze from his hand to Adam's face to find the other boy looking at him with an indecipherable expression. He wondered what it would be like to close the few inches between them and kiss him. Or to have this every day.
He averted his gaze, trying to bury the feelings and ache that surged up with the thoughts. You can't have this, he reminded himself, Stop hoping for anything .
Adam probably sensed that he was getting lost in thoughts again as with a small amused smile, he said, “Did I tell you what Tad did yesterday at school?”
Ronan felt his own lips curl up partially because of the warm feeling he got by the realisation that Adam was trying to distract him and partially because Adam's way of reciting stories about Tad was always a treat to watch. “Go on,” he said.
So Adam talked and talked, until Ronan's eyes grew heavier and he couldn't keep them open anymore, until Adam's voice turned low and almost a husky whisper and until Ronan fell into a dreamless sleep.