Chapter Text
This is pathetic of both of us
She’s below me but I can’t keep thinking of her. I’m thinking.. thinking of a boy. I can’t help it, but she can’t either. I know she isn’t thinking about me. I mean, she's saying a name that isn’t mine.
Kohane’s name is what comes out of An’s mouth, her voice filled with desperate want. I bite my lip just to avoid saying anything. I don’t want to say Toya’s name. Because while An can say her lover's name, I can’t just yet.
The thing is, An has accepted the fact she loves a girl and that the girl will never love her back. Meanwhile me.. I’m still denying all my love to Toya. I can’t handle it. I don't like Toya. I only… I just..
I have no excuse. I close my eyes tightly, trying not to think about anything. About how both me and An are using each other for our sick sexual desire, about Toya’s fucking face, about the thought of being a homosexual.. What manages to get me out of my thoughts is her yelping beneath me and I realise that my nails are digging into her skin.
I murmur an apology, trying to calm myself down. Focus, Akito. If you act like this then Toya definitely won't love you back. I gentle my fingers on her skin and start to pick up my pace.
My hips stammer and I lean over An, burying my face into her collarbone. I lightly nibble at her skin, trying to stop myself from moaning like a loser. Her hands move to my back and she drags her nails along the flesh there, whining and begging for more but I know those words aren't for me.
I feel the twist in my lower abdomen, that's when I know I'm close. My hand on her waist moves to her thigh, trying to convince myself that it's Toya. This is Toya moaning in my ear. This is Toya begging for more. This is Toya telling me that he's close. This is Toya that I'm pounding into like my life depends on it.
I groan into An’s skin as my cum fills the condom I have on but I don't stop just yet. I want An to feel good too. I change the angle slightly, letting her feel the full length of me. I can feel her clenching around me. She's close now.
My hand migrates again, for An’s sake this time. It moves to her nipple, playing with the sensitive nips there that are harder than my dick. She gasps and moans erotically, her pussy clenching then pulsing around me. She lets out a pathetic whimper soon after and I slow down my movements.
“...” We stay silent for a moment, trying to bask in the euphoria before we remember that we aren't having sex with the ones we actually love. After a while I slowly pull out, taking off the condom and tying it tightly. She lays there for a while longer and I let her think about Kohane just this once before making her snap out of her delusions.
I get up off the bed and put on my underwear and sweatpants, not bothering with my top. I leave the room to get some water for me and for An. When I come back she's sitting up and has her clothes back on.
“... Feel any better?” I ask, handing her a bottle of water I took out from her fridge. She shrugs and I can see that she's a little more upset than usual. “Fair.” I'll be honest, I'm not as satisfied either.
“You feel it too, huh? Knowing she’d never love me back feels horrible.” An sighs and takes a sip from the bottle of water. “... I wish I didn't have to turn to this. I wish she'd just get a strap to fuck my brains out.”
I hum in response. I'm used to her fantasies by now. We've been getting out our pent-up desperation together for about five months now. “I can tell. You were saying her name more than usual.” I tease lightly, sitting down on the bed next to her.
“Shut up, you were whining Toya’s name like a bottom.” she shoots back, making me shut up really quick. I have no comeback to that just yet, give me ten minutes then maybe I'll come up with one.
“If me and Toya ever had sex so you think I'd be the bottom or top?”
“Bottom”
“What?”
“You asked. Also, you said that you wanted to lose your virginity to him.”
“I meant.. okay..”
She grins at me and giggles, it's funny that An can just laugh after having sex. I mean, it's not like we really were thinking about each other while having sex.
“If you get with Kohane would you record it?” I ask, though I'm not sure why. She laughs and nods immediately.
“Definitely! I’d send it to you and rub it in your face that I got a bitch before you!” I watch as An laughs harder at her own joke.
“Fine, then I'll record me and Toya if we get together first.” I clap back, to which we both start laughing together. We're both delusional. We both know it would never happen.
What are the odds that Toya isn't homophobic, likes me back and is willing to have sex with me? Zero. I have no chance. What's the odds that Kohane isn't homophobic, likes An back and is willing to have sex. It's a 50/50 but even so it's unlikely.
Our laughter slowly fades, our elation being short lived. I let out a groan and rub my eyes with my hands aggressively. This happens every time. One of us gets horny and we just text and then fuck by someone's house.
We've done it enough times that I can actually draw An’s insides and be accurate about it. But I guess I'd rather do that than using my hand. It still hurts though. I hate knowing this is my pathetic alternative, and I know she was probably thinking the same earlier.
her eyes were closed just as tightly as mine were just to push out the thought of me and replace it with Kohane. It's getting harder to hold onto that exhilaration afterwards, you already know it's not your lover so what's the point of even trying?
My throat closes up as tears fill my closed eyes. I rub my eyes more aggressively, but my vulnerability becomes clear when a weak whimper and sniffle comes from me. No. Please don't cry. Don't cry in front of An.
I rub my eyes harder, but I'm already shaking with sobs. She stays silent, maybe I want that. I want her to act like she can't hear me cry, like she can't see me shaking. I don't want her to see me like this.
She doesn't move to comfort me, she doesn't rub my back or tell me it's okay. Because she knows the feeling. She has cried in front of me before and she probably hated it just as much as I do right now. She probably wanted me to act like I couldn't see her too.
The area around my eyes begin to burn but I'm still crying so I just keep rubbing until I can tell that I probably made my skin raw. I pull my hands away from my face, my tears making the skin burn harshly. I definitely did some damage. I can't bring myself to look at An, I feel pathetic.
“... I'm sure Toya will give you a chance someday.” An gives me an empty promise, I know she's just feeding into my delusion.
“... He never will and you know it better than anyone.” I mutter, sniffling like a loser. I lay on my back and I see An glance back at me, taking in the damage I did to my face.
“This is what being queer does to someone.” She says softly, moving to face me properly. She takes both of our water bottles and presses the bottom side onto my eye lids, the coolness making me relax slightly. “Pretend these are cucumber slices, okay?”
That makes me laugh a little. “Anything you say, An.” I can hear An’s soft laughter at my comment and my lips curve into a slight smile. She knows how to comfort me without making me feel pathetic.
She pushes my hair out of my face, I can’t see her face but I know she’s probably concerned because she isn't saying anything. “Don’t rub your eyes when you cry. This looks like it’ll leave scars.” She mumbles seriously. “ You're lucky that Ena can't see you right now, she’d give you a lecture.”
I let out a hum, then sigh. “I have to go home soon anyways.” I respond, to which An groans at. “I know, I’ll call you when I get home, okay?” She takes the water bottles off my eyes and I open my eyes.
I watch her nod, her pout emphasizing her orange eyes. I sit up and she gets off the bed, picking up my shirt and tossing it my way. “Throw out the condom for me when you’re leaving” she tells me, turning around to face me.
I pick up the tied condom and shrug on my shirt and hoodie. “Okay, cya” I gave her a wave before leaving her room and closing the door behind me. I throw the condom into the Shiraishi house bin and double check that it isn't possible to see the pink latex clearly in the rubbish.
When I'm assured, I leave out the front door, managing to put on my hoodie. I get my phone from the hoodie pocket and check the bus times. The next bus is in twelve minutes. This is an excuse to talk to Toya.
But, before I act on that idea, I need to get to the bus stop. I find my way to the closest bus stop, sitting down on the bench before realizing that it’s wet with rain. I let out a groan and slowly stand up before it can completely soak my pants.
I turn on my phone, trying to ignore the fact that my pants were wet in the way that made me feel icky. I open a chat with Toya, typing in a message about three times over, typing and deleting over and over until I’m satisfied that Toya won't think I'm a weirdo.
ShinoAkito opened chat
ShinoAkito: hey
Tortilla opened chat
Tortilla: Hi Aki.
ShinoAkito: I thought I told you to stop calling me that?
Tortilla: Ah, I thought you were joking.
Tortilla: You were blushing so i thought you liked it and was being stubborn. Sorry I'll stop calling you that.
ShinoAkito: no, I was joking.
ShinoAkito: please keep calling me Aki
SinoAkito: i love it so much
Tortilla: okay
I nearly drop my phone, Toya’s obliviousness making me blush for a reason that isn't the cold outside. I glance upward and realise that the bus is coming up. I wave out my hand, hailing over the bus. It parks beside me and the doors open, allowing me to get on. I give the bus driver two dollars bus fee and sit down on a seat in the very back.
I keep my phone turned off for most of the bus ride, trying not to think about Toya and about what I do when I think about Toya. soon the bus gets to my stop and i get off, the walk to my house is relatively short.
When I make it to the house, I unlock the door with my house key, managing to make it to my bedroom successfully without seeing Ena. When I get to my bedroom I flop onto my bed and decide to return back to talking to Toya.
It's probably a bad idea, I'm already rock hard just thinking about Toya and I might say something weird. Despite that, I still turn on my phone and message Toya like a nuisance.
ShinoAkito: haha i like hearing you say it
Tortilla: Really?
ShinoAkito: yeah, your voice is very nice to listen to
ShinoAkito: it’s very soothing too
There's silence from Toya for a while and I panic thinking that maybe I said something wrong. After about two minutes I re-read our texts, hoping that I could find where I messed up. I mean, i dont see anything..
Maybe he thinks the comment about his voice is weird? Maybe I said something offensive and didn’t realise the undertone of it. It's been five minutes. I watch time tick as I get no response from Toya for ten minutes.
Ding
The sound of my phone notification makes me jump, then I realise what was taking so long for Toya to respond.
Tortilla: Voice message - 10:39 -
Tortilla: sorry if i sound tired
I don't hesitate to press play and Toya’s voice immediately makes my needy dick spring up even more than before
TRANSCRIPT
“Hi Aki.. I didn't know you liked my voice. I mean, you might not like it right now because I don't sound my best right now but.. I digress. Now that I think about it, I don’t send voice recordings often. Maybe I should start sending you more. Would you like that, Aki?”
Oh dear god he’s trying to kill me. My hips jerk upward into nothing, moaning his name. God, the way he says my name, the way his voice slurs ever so slightly because he’s tired. I dont even care anymore, I dont care if he fucks me or if I’m the one fucking, i just need him..
I slip off my pants and underwear, letting my shamelessly hard cock come out with ease. My hand wraps around my length, moving up and down to give myself the friction I desire.
“Hm.. but I suppose I'd only give you a voice recording as a reward. Be a good boy and you’ll get a voice recording. Will that motivate you to study? Oh, speaking of studies, I got my maths results back. I got a 98. When do you think your teacher will hand out results?”
I moan desperately, Toya’s gentle and tired voice making my legs tremble. He told me to be a good boy. He sounds so fucking hot. I begin sputtering things like an idiot, whining. My eyes close tightly and my ears focus on toya’s voice.
- Voice recording started -
“I hope it's soon. Either way, I want to make sure you study. I know you love street music but your education should still be a priority, okay? Oh, look at me. I'm talking to my phone as if it's you.”
I can hear Toya laugh sleepily, a pathetic whine slipping from my lips. His laugh is so hot. His voice is so hot. Toya is sosososososoooo hot. I'm begging now, but I know he can't hear me, he can't even give me what I'm begging for.
The rest of the audio was Toya talking about random things. For example, his Rubix cube that he solved the other day, a conversation he had with Mizuki about test results, things that I probably shouldn't be jerking off to. Maybe this is a little selfish of me.
Despite my thoughts, my hand kept moving faster, imagining it was Toya’s hand instead of mine. “mhg~ Toya p-please.. hah.. ah..” my pre-cum smears along my shaft, acting as lube and making it easier for my hand to keep the pace.
I keep whining and begging, just keeping myself on the edge to keep hearing Toya's voice. I'm slowly reaching my limit though, and after listening to Toya’s voice for seven minutes, I finally let myself cum.
My white cream splurts out onto my phone and onto my hand, leaving me panting and with a mess on my phone. I curse myself in my mind, knowing I have to clean my phone now.
-Voice recording ended and sent-