Chapter Text
Shane knew all about Jessie Pike. Hayden’s younger brother, his other best friend. Jessie lived in Vancouver, so Hayden didn’t get to see him very often, but they talked all the time, and Hayden always kept Shane updated on Jessie’s life.
They had met in passing a few times, but he really never had a chance to get to know him until recently.
Shane knew that Jessie was gay. Hayden didn’t talk about it much, but every once in awhile he would mention something. Last Christmas, Jessie has brought his then-boyfriend home to meet the family, and Hayden was not shy telling Shane all about him. Or rather, all about everything he didn’t like about him and how he was not good enough for his younger brother.
Hayden was pleased to share with Shane a few months later that they had broken up. Shane had to laugh at the entire situation. He loved how protective Hayden was of his younger brother, and how open and accepting he was of him.
Shane always felt the same protectiveness from Hayden when it came to him. Shane grew up an only child, so he never had that experience. When he and Hayden had become friends, it was a quick transition to being adopted into his family. Jackie and Hayden joked about him being their ‘first-born’ child, but they never treated him like a child, it was much more like a younger sibling. And he absolutely loved it, and loved how easily he was accepted into their family.
But sometimes it was hard for him to be himself around them. Maybe because of hockey, maybe because of his own insecurities, or maybe because he hadn’t completely come to terms with his own sexuality yet, but something always held him back from telling Hayden the truth about him.
When Jackie found out the team had some time off around Hayden’s birthday this year, she decided to throw him a party. But as excited as Hayden was for the party, he seemed more excited to have his brother Jessie in town to celebrate with him for a few days.
The night before the party, a bunch of the guys met up at a local bar to have a few drinks. As much as Shane tried his list of excuses to get out of going, Hayden ultimately guilted him into it. “Come on, it’s my birthday! Please?” He begged. “Jackie and Jessie will be there, and all the other WAGs, so the guys will be on their best behavior.”
Shane begrudgingly agreed, but he made it clear he was only doing it because he loved his best friend.
He hated to admit it, but he did actually have a decent time that night. As Hayden pointed out, the guys were on their best behavior, the drinking was kept to a minimum, and Shane ended up spending a good portion of the night talking to Jessie.
Jessie was just really nice to talk to. Shane should not have been so surprised by that, but he realized it had been a really long time since he’d had an intelligent conversation with someone that was not about hockey. Yes, Jessie was incredibly knowledgeable about hockey also, and they did cover that topic at length, but it was sometimes nice to talk about something else. Anything else.
Normally, when Shane met new people, all they ever wanted to talk about was his career or the Metros. He gets it, it’s what he’s famous for, it’s what makes him interesting. But it also gets tiring after awhile.
There was something about Jessie that put Shane at ease. He was easy to talk to, yes, but it was more than that. He just seemed comfortable in his own skin, he knew who he was, and he wasn’t trying to be someone else. It was kind of refreshing.
Shane knew he lived a rather sheltered life, usually surrounded by professional athletes, and he didn’t really have much exposure to people that… well, that weren’t. Yes, there were coaches and trainers and PR people, but they were all somehow associated with sports. And none of them were openly gay. Shane realized as they were talking that Jessie was probably the first person that Shane has ever really gotten to know who was openly gay.
But he was also just normal. And for some reason, that was the hardest part for Shane to digest. He wasn’t different, he didn’t stand out, he didn’t have a sign on his back or a light glowing above his head. He looked and acted like everyone else. He blended in. His sexuality wasn’t a big deal.
Shane knew that most of the other guys probably didn’t know. While Hayden was always open with Shane about his brother, he knew that wasn’t the case with the other players. It was just different. And Shane understood way better than Hayden could ever imagine.
He and Jessie just talked. And talked. For probably an hour or two. Shane should probably feel guilty that he spent most of the night only with Jessie and ignored most of the group, but no one really seemed to mind. Most of them were probably just happy that they got him out of the house, which was a feat all by itself.
When Shane got home that night, he couldn’t stop thinking about Jessie. It wasn’t one thing either, it was all of it. He wasn’t ashamed to admit it to himself, Jessie was incredibly handsome.
While he didn’t have the body of a professional athlete, he clearly worked out and took care of himself. He wasn’t dressed up that night by any means, but he had a pair of jeans on that hugged his ass and thighs quite well, and a well-fitted button down shirt with the top few buttons undone. The shirt was a little snug around his upper arms and chest, and the sleeves were rolled up a little. He looked good.
It wasn’t just his looks though. He was confident. Not cocky like most of his teammates, but confident. He knew who he was and was comfortable in his own skin. In a way, it was something that Shane kind of envied.
He was also kind and polite and interesting to talk to. He was different. And it was a little refreshing.
Shane was allowed to look. He was allowed to talk to people. He was allowed to like people and have crushes on them. Even if he knew deep down it that was all it could be.
This thing with Rozanov had been going on for a few years already. But they never labeled it. They never talked about it. They just hooked up when they were in the same place and they texted sometimes.
Shane knew Rozanov slept with women. Everyone knew Rozanov slept with women. It was all over the tabloids, constantly. He had a reputation, the biggest womanizer in the league. But Shane knew he also slept with men, and from what Rozanov told him the first time they hooked up, Shane was not the first one.
He tried not to let it bother him. They weren’t together, Rozanov could do whatever he wanted. Rozanov could hook up with whoever he wanted.
It was just that Shane didn’t want that for himself. He wasn’t interested in hooking up with women. He tried that, he really did. He had a girlfriend for awhile in high school, before he got drafted. She was fine, nice to talk to. But that was it. The rest was just… kind of weird. He thought he was doing everything right, everything that he thought he was supposed to be doing, but it just never felt right to him.
He ended things with her when they graduated. The draft was an easy excuse, he was leaving Ottawa and would be traveling. He was grateful to easily walk away.
Once he got settled into Montreal during his rookie season, the rest of the single guys on the team were frequently hooking up with women, and constantly pressuring him to do the same. He met a girl, Jessica, at a coffee shop down the street from his house one day, and forced himself to ask her out. They went out a few times, she was perfectly nice, but that was it. He just never felt anything for her. Or for any of the women he met.
With Rozanov though, it was different, right from the start. The man just drove him fucking crazy from the first moment they met. The sex was completely mind blowing, every single time. And he wanted more.
But Shane did everything he could to hide that part of himself. To try to deny it. It was only when Rozanov poked at him enough that he let that part out.
For a long time, he tried to ignore his feelings. He would tell himself that he didn’t care about him, that it was just sex, they were just blowing off steam. It was nothing more than that.
Shane told himself it was only Rozanov too. He wasn’t interested in anyone else, male or female. He tried to focus on hockey. He kept to himself. He wasn’t looking for anyone anyway. He didn’t have time for a relationship. He didn’t need that distraction.
He didn’t know when it changed, but at some point, he found himself looking at men. Not in the locker room of course, not with people he knew. But when he was out in public, he found himself starting to notice the men around him more.
But he kept it to himself. He tried not to think about it. Tried not to think what it might mean.
He couldn’t be gay. He was a professional hockey player. Hockey players weren’t allowed to be gay.
Part of him wished he had someone to talk to about it, but he barely felt comfortable even thinking about it most of the time. How could he explain any of this to another person? He feared what it would mean if he actually said the words out loud. So he didn’t. He stuffed those thoughts deep down inside of him and ignored them.
Then Jessie came along. And fuck did he mess everything up.
Lily
Fun night?
Jane
What do you mean?
Lily
Saw pictures of you on Boiziau Instagram
Jane
Why are you looking at JJ’s Instagram? Are you stalking my teammates?
Lily
Studying the competition
Jane
🙄 whatever
Tomorrow is Hayden’s birthday
We were out celebrating
Lily
Who was person you were talking to?
Jane
?
Lily
You are hiding in back of picture, laughing with person I do not recognize
Jane
Probably Jessie, Hayden’s brother
Lily
He is hot. Can not be a Pike
Jane
He’s gay. Want me to ask if he would be interested?
While they did text occasionally, it was usually only to arrange hookups. They didn’t really talk much outside of that, and this entire exchange made Shane feel a little uneasy. He didn’t know why Rozanov was asking and he was just getting a weird vibe from it, a certain tone of hostility that came through even in the messages.
He couldn’t help himself but to snap back at him, to poke the bear, and it seemed to work. Rozanov didn’t respond after that.
A few nights later, Shane, Hayden, and Jessie tried out a new bar that had recently opened near the rink and Hayden had been wanting to try. Shane did not expect that their presence would draw so much attention, but the place was new and getting popular, and even he could admit that he and Hayden were local celebrities.
So when the manager of the bar asked to take a picture of them for the bar’s social media account, they agreed. Shane didn’t think anything of it, they were simply supporting a local business, no big deal.
But a few hours later, his phone started blowing up.
Lily
Hayden is bad extra wheel for your date
Jane
What are you talking about?
Lily
Your date tonight
With new man
Jane
WTF I was not on a date
And how do you even know who I was with?
Lily
Pictures all over Instagram
Jane
How do you find this shit so fast? Jeez
And it was nothing, Jessie wanted to get a drink
Lily
Did he want Hayden to come too?
Or just you?
Jane
He asked…
Oh fuck
Lily
Aahh, yes
So it was a date?
Jane
NO it was not.
Fuck, did he mean for it to be?
Does he know??????
FUCK
Lily
So Hayden really was extra wheel then?
Jane
Christ
It’s third wheel
And no he wasn’t
FUCK
Shane was quickly starting to spiral. He clearly missed something when Jessie suggested they get a drink. Did he mean it to be a date? He knew Jessie was gay, it wasn’t a big deal. But did Jessie know about him? Did Jessie suspect something? Fuck. How could he? Shane was so careful to hide that part of himself. Had he said or done something to give Jessie the wrong (or perhaps the right) impression?
How could Jessie know anything? This was not good. If Jessie knew, he would tell Hayden, and Hayden would…
He tried to calm himself down. It was nothing. Jessie didn’t know anything. Rozanov was just reading into it too much and trying to give him a hard time. That’s what he did. He liked to push Shane’s buttons and get him worked up. He was only doing it because he was jealous.
And what if Jessie did know that Shane was into guys? Was it that big of a deal? Jessie was gay. He understood. And even if he did know and he told Hayden, Hayden wouldn’t tell anyone. Hayden never told any of the team about Jessie, he knew better, he knew it could be a problem. There’s no way he would tell anyone about Shane if he suspected something. He knows what could happen.
Eventually he was able to pull himself back together. He was just overreacting, it was nothing. Rozanov was just making something out of nothing. It was nothing. That’s what he kept telling himself.
After that, Shane might have been a little relieved that Jessie had gone back to Vancouver. He felt guilty for overreacting when Rozanov pointed it out to him, then a little embarrassed by the entire situation, and he was afraid if and when he saw him again that he would act weird or say or do something stupid. So he was grateful for the reprieve. Even if it was only temporary.
He tried to focus on hockey. They had a long road trip ahead of him, which would be a good distraction. But when two weeks went by and he hadn’t heard from Lily, he started to worry. They had left the last conversation hanging, and when Shane tried to text him a few days later, he hadn’t responded.
He knew when they got back to Montreal, they would be playing the Raiders, and Rozanov would be in town. But they hadn’t talked about it. He hadn’t heard from him. They had not made plans.
As the game got closer and closer, Shane started to get nervous again.