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Sirius took his pretty time to make his way back up to the common room. Even though he loved his friends and enjoyed their company he couldn’t shake the feeling that they were pitying him for having another terrible summer.
They were right of course. It had once again been a time he would rather forget. But he had to give it to his mother. She was right about most things. He really was a bad influence for Reggie and he had gained weight again, hadn’t he?
He decided to take a trip to the boys bathroom to look at his reflection and check but this only made him doubt himself more because suddenly he noticed that his hair looked disheveld. Self-consciously he ran his fingers through his curls but he couldn’t get them to sit right.
His eyes began to water but then he reminded himself that his mother told him that only weak boys cry. He wasn’t weak after all, was he? To get his composure back he pinched himself hard. It helped but also hurt like hell. Nothing he couldn’t manage though.
He had experienced harder punishment and he had deserved it. He saw that now. Sirius turned to the mirror once more and still wasn’t happy with his appearance but there was nothing he could do about it in this moment.
“They’re gonna worry where I am.“, Sirius reminded himself and headed for the door but then he thought about if his friends really cared about him or just pretended. His friends were perfect when he was around but what about the time he wasn’t? Did they actually care or just hung out with him because he happened to be sorted into their dorm in year 1?
The thoughts circled through his mind and he felt like not going back at all but he had no other choice and so he headed up.
His steps were slow and he was dragging his feet more than actually walking properly. Finally the fat lady appeared in front of him and he mumbled the new password so he could get in. He was more than keen on getting up to the dorm. He was exausted and just needed to rest.
He ducked down so he could get into the common room but then he caught a very familiar voice. He stopped dead in his tracks and tried to quiet his breathing so he could eavesdrop better.
“ really is a star!“
Wait. That definitely was Remus voice.
“But you know. His eyes, his eyes they make the stars look like they’re not shining. And have you seen his hair? His hair falls perfectly without him trying…“, Remus explained in a dreamy voice.
Sirius was intensely listening now. Who did Moony talk about? Did he have a crush? But he said ‘he’ so it can’t possibly be about a crush. Moonys straight after all he knows…
Sirius perked up again because he caught a heavy sigh being released. “Do go on.”
That was James. So he and Remus were talking and Remus did pick up his line of thought again and started to dreamily talk about this ‘he’ again.
“He’s so beautiful and I try to tell him every day. But you know what?”
“Let me guess. He doesn’t believe you one bit, the bugger.”, James answered and it was Remus who sighed now.
“Exactly. And it’s so sad to think that he can’t see what I see.” This actually came across in a very sad voice and Sirius wanted to go to him and hug him tight but he knew that this would destroy the moment he and James had right now. And he surely wasn’t wanted there.
Remus continued to fondly talk to James. “And when I see his face there’s not a thing that I would change and I just want to snog him senseless.”
So it really was about a crush on a dude. Who could it be? Had Sirius missed something. His friends surely thought to little of him to let him in on their secrets anymore. Who would even trust him? Not even his family could anymore.
“What did you say about his smile earlier?”, James cut in and Remus was more than happy to answer his question. “When he smiles the whole world stops. I swear! He’s amazing. Just the way he is.”
For a while a silence settled over the common room and Sirius thought the coast was clear to finally enter. If someone was to leave the common room he would look like a total lunatic so better leave now.
But as soon as he pushed himself up from the wall he was leaning on, Remus voice picked up again and he could hear his lovely voice ringing through to him.
„Oh his lips, his lips I could kiss them all day if he would just let me. And have you heard his laugh on the train? I know he hates it but I think it‘s actually sexy. He is so beautiful…“
„Oh Moony, come here.“, James quietly ordered and Sirius was sure that they were hugging now. He was jealous.
He was jealous of James, who got to hold Remus in his arms.
He was jealous of James, who Moony told his secrets to.
But mostly he was jealous of the person Remus was talking about.
He had accepted a few years ago that no one would properly love him in his life. Sure he had some admirers and snogged a few people too but he wasn’t capable of being loved.
It wasn’t just his mother who had told him that but also his own instincts. He was loud and annoying at most times and was sure to scare away any person who took a deeper interest in him.
But he still craved nothing more than being loved. Being loved like Remus seemed to love this person. Being loved by Remus. He would love to just being held thight and feeling like he belonged.
His eyes were tearing up again and this time he was weak. He let his tears fall freely and just wanted to die right at the spot.
Sirius couldn’t go into the common room looking like this. His eyes were probably all puffy and red and he must look rather stupid with his messed up hair and tear-streaked face.
So he stayed hidden even though he just wanted to get away and listened to the conversation which was picking up again.
„Oh James, I‘d never ask him to change. If perfects what he’s searching for then he has to stay the same.“ Remus voice was more like a desperate whining now and Sirius could imagine James comforting him like he always did with all of them.
„I know Rem. But why don’t you just tell him how you feel?“, James asked now and Sirius was interested as well.
„I guess he can’t handle that now but the next time he bothers to ask if he looks okay I‘ll tell Sirius that he is truly amazing.“
Sirius couldn’t breath. And this wasn’t because of his tears. It was because Remus had said his name.
Was he the boy Remus had talked about? This couldn’t be. Sirius was not one of the things Remus had listed up. Surely there must be another bloke named Sirius. Or maybe he had missed some of the conversation and his name had fallen in a complete different context.
His thoughts were consuming his mind and he couldn’t stand anymore. He wanted to get away. Fast.
Quickly he pushed himself to the wall and opened the portrait hole. He stumbled over to the stairs and collapsed onto the steps. His breathing came in puffs and he was still crying.
„Hey, are you okay? I‘ve been searching for ya.“ Sirius scrambled away and would have tumbled down the stairs if it weren’t for Remus who caught his wrist.
„Easy Pads. Whats wrong?“, Remus said in a soothing voice and lowered himself onto the stairs close to Sirius. Their thighs were touching now and the sensation clouded Sirius mind.
He just wanted to get away. But he couldn’t get up. He couldn’t even answer Remus. His crying continued and it got harder for him to breath.
He was practically wheezing and gasping for air now but it didn’t help. He couldn’t breath.
Fear filled him and he looked at Remus with horror in his eyes. „Shh. Come here.“ Remus gently pulled him closer and embraced him in a hug. Sirius tears were now caught by Remus soft sweater and the boy didn’t even seem to mind.
He rubbed slow circles over Sirius back and mumbled nonsense into his ears that Sirius didn’t quiet catch but still, he felt better. Of course he hadn’t forgotten why he ran out in the first place but right now it was just the safety of Remus arms around him that he could think of. Slowly but surely Sirius could breath freely again and his chest didn‘t feel like bursting any given moment.
„Oh dear. Do you want to tell me what happened?“ Sirius didn’t lift his head and instead buried it deeper into Remus chest but Remus didn’t push him to answer. Instead he held him tighter and slowly rocked them back and forth.
It didn't take long though for Sirius to slowly lift his head and mumble something into Remus direction. He didn't meet his eyes the whole time.
"Pads I have to stop you right there.", he gently cut him off and reached out for his chin so he could lift it up. They locked eyes now.
Golden brown looking at a watery stormy grey.
"Can you speak up just a little dear?", he asked him and this time the pet name didn't slip through Sirius hazy mind but got stuck right there.
Why was Remus so lovingly to him? He was a burden to not only his family but now even his sweet Remus had to deal with the problems which plagued his mind. He didn't deserve his kind gaze and his soft touches at all. But he had asked him something and he couldn't really deny him an answer. He never could.
"Okay so my summer was like shit. And sometimes I feel like it never ended and I'm still right there. I can't escape." He was tearing up again and it was Remus scarred finger which wiped these tears away.
This tiny touch did it for him and he fell apart, only being held together by the arms still trown around him. "I fell like a failure and then... Oh Rem I overheard you and Prongs. I-I didn't want to but I couldn't walk away you know? And you talked about this perfect person."
He made a pause and burried himself into Remus jumper again. "And then you said my name..., he wispered but Moony still caught it.
He felt his cheeks get hot and he burried his face in Remus sweater again. The embarrasment was too much for him to deal with. A dreadful silence hung over the two boys but then Remus voice cut through it. “Siri… Are you mad?”
“Why should I?”, Sirius dared to ask and Remus took his time to breath deeply and answer Sirius question with honesty.
“Well you’re right. I did talk about you. And it was you I was talking about the whole time.” He pushed Sirius away from his chest but caught his face in his hands now.
They locked eyes and Remus had to fight the urge to tear his gaze away. He was a Gryffindor after all and so he bravely opened his mouth and confessed to Sirius. “I’m madly in love with you. And It’s fine if ya don’t feel the same but I just had to tell you.”
His eyes finally dropped but as Sirius was speaking up he met his grey eyes again. Tears were welling up in them again but there was something else as well.
The Sirius Black grin.
“This isn’t some kind of prank is it?” “No! Of course not. You really gotta work on your self-esteem.”, Remus laughed and took Sirius hands in his now because the boy hadn’t pulled away in disgust at the revelation of his feelings.
“Well I hoped you could help me with that…”, Sirius sheepishly replied.
But Remus didn’t have the time to nod at this because in this instant Sirius leaned up and captured his lips in a lingering, soft kiss. It wasn’t long but it felt like a lifetime was captured between their joined lips.
Sirius wasn’t sure how he got the courage to do this but Remus present made him feel like he wasn’t a nobody. Not a burden anymore but a boy who deserved to be loved and to love.
“Merlin, Sirius you really are something.”
“I hoped I could be your something. Preferrably your boyfriend.” He smirked again and Remus only looked at him with a loving gaze.
Remus nodded and instead of chasing after his lips again, he wrapped his arms around Sirius and pulled him into a tight hug. “I really did mean it you know. About you being perfect. Just stay the same.”, Remus mubled into his ear. “Or don’t. I guess you could at least change your last name hm?”
At this comment Sirius laughed out loud and kissed Remus again. After their kiss they stood up and got back to the common room. All the way they were holding hands and Sirius finally felt like he was at the right place again. At home.
They stopped infront of the sofa James and Peter were sitting on now and James agitatedly jumped up and squeaked “I KNEW IT. YOU WANKERS FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT.” He rushed forward and held Sirius and Remus intertwined hand in the air as proof. “You owe me 10 Galleons Wormy.”
Remus and Sirius exchanged a look and exaustedly settled on the sofa next to their friends.
Their hand stayed together and Sirius sighed out of relieve. He knew that his friends cared about him now. Knew that he was not a disgrace. Knew that he was lovable and most importantly that he would never be alone as long as he had his friends.
And that would be a long time. They had all the time they needed to figure out their lives, their love and everything that matters. They had eachother after all.
And now Sirius also had Remus.