Chapter Text
Heart Eyes & Homicide💕
Harris📸
Chat random question
Whats the weirdest thing you’ve ever experienced?
Please keep it PG, this is for our socials page
Barrett🖕🏻
How the fuck is this anything to do with our socials
Harris📸
Its nearly National Absurdity day
So I thought it would be a fun thing to post
Bood🫡
That cannot be a real thing
Shane❤️💍
No it actually is
It’s next week. November 20th
Bood🫡
Did you google that or are you naturally this much of a loser
HEY!
Only I get to insult Shane
Otherwise you’re just being anti autism
Barrett🖕🏻
I think thats just called ableism babes
Shane❤️💍
Barrett watch yourself ‘babes’
Also I’m not autistic?
Hazy😇
PAHAHAHAHAHA OKAY
Dykstra🎧
Is it national lie to yourself day as well?
Bood🫡
You take a trip to Egypt recently and not tell us?
Shane❤️💍
No? Why?
Bood🫡
Because you be in de-nile
Luca🍼
HA
Hazy😇
Bood got tiktok? Why didn’t you follow me?
Shane❤️💍
???
De-Nile is a river in Egypt
Hazy😇
YOUR HUSBAND IS GAY!
Shane❤️💍
I know that…and it’s called the River Nile, not de-Nile?
No…
moya lyubov’ speak it out loud
PAHAAHA I can hear him talking to himself in the other room
Shane❤️💍
I'm lost
Luca🍼
I forget that Shane isn’t chronically online
Hazy😇
I don't
Bro asked me what a ‘Me Me’ was last week
Actually said the word ‘Me’ twice rather than meme
Sweetheart, he’s saying you’re in denial
Shane❤️💍
About you being gay?
Well I mean technically you’re not, you’re Bi
Unless you’re not anymore?
Are you gay now?
Hazy😇
I CAN’T
THIS IS TOO FUCKING FUNNY
Dykstra🎧
Shane being confused about life is my favourite tv show
Barrett🖕🏻
Shane out here wondering if he’s turned his husband gay
Actually rolling on the floor rn
Nope, still Bi
very gay for you though
Bood🫡
Gag
He will😏
Hazy😇
Every day I regret joining this team
Bood🫡
AHHHH
I CAN’T EVEN BE ANGRY BECAUSE I LINED IT UP PERFECTLY FOR HIM
Dykstra🎧
Saw that one coming a mile away
Barrett🖕🏻
Come on Bood, we know not to say words that have a double meaning in this chat
Shane❤️💍
Ilya stop it
Anyway. What am I in denial about?
Being autistic
Shane❤️💍
but I’m not?
and why mention you being gay?
Bood🫡
It’s a tiktok audio
Shane❤️💍
What’s that?
Just give up, I’ll show him later
Harris📸
I leave for five minutes and this is what this chat becomes?
Barrett🖕🏻
Your mistake for leaving us unsupervised
Harris📸
And no one even put in their weirdest life experience?
Come on guys, it will take you like 30 seconds
Luca🍼
What counts as a weird life experience?
Harris📸
What words in that sentence did you not understand?
Luca🍼
No I understand, I just mean there are different levels of weird
Hazy😇
Different levels of weird how?
Luca🍼
Ya know, like are we talking, weird like the time I slept with someone staring at a poster of Ilya, or weird like the time a fan followed me home because she wanted to ‘mommy me’ ???
Harris📸
....
Barrett🖕🏻
....
Hazy😇
I’m sorry what?
Bood🫡
Do I need to link you in with the team therapist?
Barrett🖕🏻
How does one unpack that
Do I start with Mommy or Daddy?
Hazy😇
PAHAHAHAHA
Harris📸
I meant…weird like the first time you got recognised or something
Jesus Luca
Dykstra🎧
What the fuck have I just read
Luca🍼
What? It was a genuine question. Both of those were weird, but for very different reasons
….I don’t know if I should be honoured or scared
Bood🫡
Holy shit Haas, you’ve even caught Rozzy off guard
Luca🍼
NO!
WAIT!
It was my childhood room!
I just realised how that sounded
Shane❤️💍
Luca I don’t know if I want you coming round anymore...
Luca🍼
NO!
It’s not like I fucking…well you know…over your husband!
Shane❤️💍
No I fear I don’t know
he means cum
Luca🍼
AHHH
OH MY GOD!
NO!
It just so happens, I brought someone home, and the poster was on my wall
because it was my CHILDHOOD BEDROOM
Shane❤️💍
So you came staring at my husband?
Luca🍼
NO!
Well...technically yes
BUT NOT BECAUSE OF HIM
Harris📸
I regret taking this job
I regret asking this question
I regret being born
Hazy😇
Can I put in my vote that this is the weirdest thing I’ve ever experienced
Bood🫡
I second that
Dykstra🎧
I would third that, but it would be a lie
It is okay, I am flattered really
Everyone should get to experience a Rozanov orgasam at least once in their life
Shane❤️💍
Excuse me?!
You have had many. Don’t be selfish
Luca🍼
I DIDN’T ORGASAM OVER YOU!
Barrett🖕🏻
Can I just say, I can’t be the only one who’s shocked that Luca is getting any right
Even if it is over a poster of Roz
Luca🍼
IT WASN’T BECAUSE OF ILYA!
Barrett🖕🏻
It’s okay Luca, we have daddy issues too, we get it
Luca🍼
I DON’T HAVE DADDY ISSUES EITHER!
Dykstra🎧
Real question is, is Luca a top or a bottom?
Bood🫡
Bottom
Hazy😇
Bottom
Barrett🖕🏻
Bottom
Harris📸
I'm choosing to not participate
Shane❤️💍
Me too
Meh…I’m getting switch energy
Luca🍼
Can we please stop talking about my sex life
Barrett🖕🏻
You brought it up, not us
Luca🍼
I was asking a question. I got my answer
Harris📸
I’m almost scared to ask…but can we please go back to the original task at hand now that we have clearly established what counts as weird
Hazy😇
I met my wife because I broke my collarbone…I feel like thats pretty weird?
Bood🫡
Ilya and Shane literally fucked for years while publicly being sworn enemies. I don’t think you falling for your wife even reaches level 1 on the weirdness scale
Hazy😇
OH! I know! There was this one time YEARS AGO I had the biggest celeb crush on Rose Landry, and bumped into her in a bar, so I tried to be casual, but spilt my entire drink round her, and rather than apologising I ran away and hid in the bathroom for 4 hours
Dykstra🎧
Landry literally had to tell Shane he was gay…they have you beat again
Barrett🖕🏻
I also don’t think you should publicly admit that Wyatt
Literally ever
Harris📸
I also wouldn’t call that weird. Just embarrassing
Hazy😇
Well what the fuck counts as weird then?
Luca🍼
OH SO NOW ITS OKAY TO ASK?!
Bood🫡
One time a fan somehow got into the trunk of my car during training and I accidentally locked them in overnight and Cassie found them the next day. That was pretty weird.
Luca🍼
Does that count as attempted kidnapping?
Barrett🖕🏻
Attempted? I think its just kidnapping
Hazy😇
I mean technically they kidnapped themselves
Dykstra🎧
Once after a brutal head hit I had temporary memory loss and had a fully blown fight with my wife because she tried to kiss me and I kept telling her I was married
Hazy😇
Aw thats kinda sweet
Bood🫡
I hate how pure that is
Barrett🖕🏻
I was an asshole and then came out as gay
Hazy😇
Yeah that was a plot twist I never saw coming I cant lie
Oh I have a new one! A fan once dangled upside down from a tree outside my window to try and make me Spiderman kiss her
Dykstra🎧
I never got the hype with that
Like why would I want to sniff your chin
Bood🫡
Why are you sniffing anything when kissing someone?
Dykstra🎧
Well i'm hardly gonna breathe in their mouth am I
Like fucking CPR
Oh yeah this is so fucking hot, lemme pause for a quick resuscitation breath
Bood🫡
I'm going to need fucking resuscitated after dealing with you lot
Harris📸
Oh my fucking god, I feel like I need to put you all in touch with the teams therapist
Barrett🖕🏻
No amount of therapy can fix me
Shane❤️💍
My dad found out I was gay because he saw Ilya grabbing my ass while we were making out
Hazy😇
IM SORRY?!
Bood🫡
How I would love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation
Dykstra🎧
Everything I learn about your relationship is against my will
Luca🍼
Not the ass grab
Barrett🖕🏻
I’d grab that ass too if I could
Harris📸
EXCUSE ME?
Barrett🖕🏻
KIDDING!
I love you
Harris📸
uh huh
Okay…so what I’ve got is daddy/Ilya kink (maybe mommy kink? plz confirm), kidnapping, amnesia, internalised homophobia, stalking and ass grabbing
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Roz is my only shot here at a normal answer
My bottom of 7 years sat me down to tell me he was gay
Harris📸
I fucking give up