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[Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander sit on stools in the Centaurs’ locker room. They are wearing each other’s jerseys, and Ilya has a large pink heart painted on his left cheek. Shane has a smattering of silver sparkly heart freckles across his nose.]
Harris: (off camera) Okay, boys. As the Centaurs’ resident power couple, we’re going to ask you twenty couples questions in honor of our Valentine’s Day game coming up!
Ilya: Oh, good. Shane loves questions. He has a million for every possible situation. Are you sure you don’t want him to lead the interview?
Shane: Fuck you, Rozanov.
Harris: Glad we got that out of the way early.
1. What’s been the best moment playing together so far this year?
Ilya: Is too easy. Are they all this easy? Beating the shit out of the Voyageurs.
Shane: Yeah, I would definitely say that’s a highlight. Maybe of my entire life. Those guys suck.
Ilya: Wow, they ‘suck’. Shane, control yourself, please.
Shane: What do you want me to do, use every expletive in my vocabulary?
Ilya: I really do, yes.
[There’s a brief moment of silence where they both stare at each other, until Shane takes in a breath and shrugs.]
Shane: Okay, fine, the Montreal Voyageurs are a bunch of cu—
[A long string of expletives is bleeped out as Ilya grins widely]
Ilya: Feel better?
Shane: I do actually. Thanks.
Ilya: Anytime.
Shane: That’s meant for everyone except for Hayden and J.J., by the way. Love them both.
[Ilya makes a gagging sound]
Ilya: Ew. Gross. The one threesome I would never join in on.
2. What’s a small gesture your partner does that makes you feel loved?
Shane: Ilya always turns the heat up for me before I get out of the shower so I don’t get cold.
Ilya: Shane only gripes at me a little bit when I eat unhealthy things.
Shane: Wow, you make me sound like such a fun person.
Ilya: What? You used to gripe a lot, I feel very loved.
3. What’s a way you’ve grown as a couple?
Ilya: Our net worth is crazy now. We are like mega-rich.
Shane: That’s not at all what the question is asking.
Ilya: Is kind of stupid how much they pay us. Like, there are real problems in the world, and we hit a block into a net.
Shane: Still nothing to do with the question.
Ilya: Is not untrue, though.
Shane: I think we’ve really grown in our communication. It was really hard living apart for all those years, and we had to work constantly to make sure we were on the same page. It was a lot, but now that we’re married and living together and playing on the same team, it really makes our lives so much smoother.
Ilya: Being rich also helps.
4. What’s your favorite memory from dating?
Shane: So, uh, not so fun fact, we were hiding for most of our relationship, so we never really got to date normally.
Ilya: Yes, turns out dating is rather difficult when you are constantly afraid of being found out.
Shane: We did go to a Fabian Salah concert together, though, the summer before we got outed.
Ilya: We did. You put your hand on my back. It was very…what is that word that sounds like boobs?
Shane: Titillating.
Ilya: Titillating, yes. Look that one up, kids.
Shane: Please don’t.
5. What is your favorite place to be with each other?
Shane: Our cottage.
Ilya: The cottage, for sure.
Shane: I think it’s where we’re most ourselves. It’s super remote and private, and we can actually relax there.
Ilya: Yes, Shane does a lot of yoga. I do a lot of watching Shane do yoga.
Shane: It’s where we said ‘I love you’ for the first time.
Ilya: I said it first.
Shane: It’s not a competition.
Ilya: (to the camera, mouthing) It is. I won.
6. If you had another job besides hockey, what would it be?
Shane: Doing something…other than hockey? I don’t…why would I even think about…
Ilya: Is the doctor here? He might be having a stroke.
Shane: I just…I’ve never thought about it.
Ilya: I love kids, so I would be a teacher. Oh, but I also love dogs, so maybe a dog walker. Shit, but I also love cars, so, a race car driver. Impossible to just choose one thing.
Shane: But what would I even do?
Harris: It’s okay, Shane! You don’t have to answer if it stresses you!
Ilya: Zamboni driver. You can run over all the people who got to be hockey players instead of you.
7. What’s your partner’s greatest talent?
Shane: I mean, obviously, hockey. Ilya’s an insane player. Even when we weren’t together together, I’ve always been in awe of the natural talent he has.
Ilya: Shane does this thing with his tongue–
[There’s a cut in the video. When the feed comes back, Ilya appears to be reading from a script.]
Ilya: Shane Hollander is the most talented hockey player ever. I am saying this of my own free will, and in no way am I being forced to say this under threat of special privileges with my husband being taken away.
8. If you could go back and change one thing about your wedding, what would it be?
Ilya: I feel like we should have had chairs.
Shane: Yeah, that was a stupid oversight on our part.
Ilya: And maybe letting someone other than Harris pick our first dance song.
Harris: I tried to tell you it shouldn’t have been me!
Shane: It could have been worse. Rhiannon isn’t that bad.
Ilya: Rihanna, Shane. Rihanna.
Shane: Close enough.
Ilya: It is not.
9. Who’s most likely to apologize first after an argument?
Shane: I feel like we both are. But we don’t fight much all that much to begin with.
Ilya: Yes, we play fight more than anything.
Shane: Bickering, yeah.
Ilya: Besides, I am never wrong, so there is not a lot of opportunity for me to apologize.
Shane: You’re so humble.
Ilya: One of us has to be considering the size of your ego…
10. Where do you see yourselves in five years?
Shane: Hopefully, we’re still right here. We love being in Ottawa. It’s been the best place for both of us.
Ilya: Yes, we will still be here, with five Stanley Cup banners hanging up and twelve dogs.
Shane: We are not getting a dozen dogs.
Ilya: Thirteen then.
Shane: No.
Ilya: Three.
Shane: Two.
Ilya: Fine, two.
[Ilya cups his hand on the side of his face that’s closest to Shane to cover his mouth from Shane’s sight.]
Ilya: Two is what I was actually going for. You see how I trick him into giving me what I want?
11. If you could tell yourselves one thing at the beginning of your relationship, what would it be?
Shane: (blowing a long breath out as he looks at Ilya) Oh, gosh. That’s a loaded thing to think about.
Ilya: It is.
Shane: I think I would tell them that it’s all worth it. Every bit of the hiding and the heartache is worth it.
[Ilya shakes his head, his eyes watery. He pushes Shane’s face away with his hand, and they both laugh through obvious emotion.]
Ilya: Now you make me feel bad for tricking you.
Shane: As you should.
Ilya: I think I would say the same to us. And maybe tell you to figure out you are gay a little faster.
Shane: Fair.
12. Which one of you proposed?
Shane: I feel like most people think it was Ilya, but it was actually me.
Ilya: Is true. He almost burned my house down–
Shane: I did not.
Ilya: And then he got down on one knee and went on and on about how perfect I am, and how he doesn’t deserve me, and how I am the love of his life and the best thing to ever happen to him, and how I am everything.
Shane: He makes it sound like he’s joking, but it really was like that.
Ilya: Of course it was. I am very hot.
Shane: Don’t make me regret it.
Ilya: (waving his left hand in front of the camera to emphasize his wedding ring) No take-backs.
13. What’s your favorite thing to do off the ice together?
Ilya: We really love to have se–
[Shane’s hand shoots up and covers over Ilya’s mouth. Ilya slaps it away, and Share glares while Ilya looks smug for a moment before Shane turns back to the camera with a bright smile.]
Shane: We love to take our dog for runs. And cook together.
Ilya: I don’t know why you cover my mouth. I was only going to say we love to have semi-regular get-togethers with our teammates.
Shane: Oh, really? That’s what you were going to say?
Ilya: (He gives the camera a small shrug and a knowing smirk. He winks.) I guess we will never know.
14. What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for each other?
Ilya: We are not the most romantic in a typical sense.
Shane: No, I’d say we’re better at big gestures than your typical romance stuff. Like Ilya moved here to be closer to me. Left his team and the life he made in Boston.
Ilya: Yes, and Shane bought an entire building for us to hook up in, in Montreal.
Shane: That was not the point of the building.
Ilya: Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Shane: And that’s not even romantic.
Ilya: True. Is more a statement on your fetish for real estate.
Shane: Again, you make me seem like such a wonderful person.
Ilya: You learned Russian for me.
Shane: Oh, yeah, I did. I guess that counts.
Ilya: It does, but you have a ways to go to catch up to me, so maybe put a little more effort in for the sake of our relationship.
15. What is your favorite quality about your partner?
Ilya: Freckles!
Shane: That’s not a quality.
Ilya: Freckles!
Shane: Not a quality, dumbass. Like I would say my favorite quality of yours is your ability to make everyone around you feel important.
Ilya: Freckklleeessss.
Shane: Now who’s having a stroke?
Ilya: Fine, freckles, and how much stability you bring to my life. You’re my rock, you always have been.
Shane: Wow, that’s actually really sweet.
Ilya: (He leans in close to Shane’s face, his nose touching Shane’s cheek, whispering) Freckles.
16. What’s your game day routine together?
Ilya: We usually make breakfast together
Shane: And then we work out and have lunch with my parents.
Ilya: And on the way to the arena, we stop and talk with our neighbors. They give the best pep talks.
Shane: Shout out to Willa and Andrew.
Ilya: And Kate!
Shane: Then Ilya plays a bunch of rap music, and we get to come to work together. It’s been really nice.
Ilya: I’ve always loved game days, but nothing beats them now.
Shane: We seriously never thought we’d get to play on the same team, so we consider ourselves the luckiest to be Centaurs together.
Ilya: Look at us answering something seriously. You better end this now while you’re ahead, Harris.
Shane: Speak for yourself, I’ve been great.
Ilya: (He winks at Shane) You always are.
17. If you had a pass to sleep with any celebrity, who would you choose?
Shane: Rose Landry.
Ilya: What? You are gay, and you’ve already done this.
Shane: Better the devil you know…
Ilya: I’m telling Rose you called her the devil.
Shane: You just want her to like you more than me.
Ilya: She already does.
Shane: Whatever.
Ilya: Besides, we both know you wouldn’t have sex. She would just take you shopping.
Shane: Exactly. Why would I want to sleep with anyone who isn’t you?
Ilya: This is my answer, too.
Shane: That’s such a cop out.
Ilya: Are you really going to complain I do not name someone else to sleep with?
Shane: …no.
18. Where did you first meet?
Shane: We met when we were seventeen at the World Junior Hockey Championships.
Ilya: And where was that held, Shane?
Shane: Don’t do this.
Ilya: But we must answer the question.
Shane: Saskatchewan.
Ilya: I think you can be more specific.
Shane: Regina.
[Ilya snorts and Shane whacks his arm.]
Shane: You are ten fucking years old.
Ilya: Is not my fault your country has a city that rhymes with vagina, and that we just happened to meet there!
Shane: For the love of god, next question, please.
19. What was your first impression of each other?
Shane: You were smoking, so my very first reaction was gross.
Ilya: Freckles!
Shane: God, not this again.
Ilya: You just said I gave you The Ick, let me have my freckles.
Shane: But after I got past the cancer-causing agents, I think I was just intimidated by how confident you were.
Ilya: I told you I would beat you, and I was right.
Shane: You were a cocky asshole.
Ilya: Old habits or whatever that saying is. You were very eager. It was annoying.
Shane: Would it kill you to say something nice about me?
Ilya: But you were also so cute. It made me want to bite you. Better?
Shane: Yes.
20. And finally, was it love at first sight?
[Shane and Ilya both look at each other, loving grins spreading over their faces. The paint on Ilya’s cheek cracks a bit with the strength of it, and the heart freckles on Shane’s nose crinkle.]
Shane: You know if you had asked me that ten years ago, my answer would have been fuck no. But now? Yeah, I think it was.
Ilya: Me too. What’s that word you use? When something is definitely going to happen?
Shane: Inevitable.
Ilya: Harris, I think you better turn off the camera now.
Harris: (laughing nervously) What? Why would I–
[Ilya lunges at Shane, taking his face into his hands as they begin to kiss passionately. Shane loses his balance, the stool beneath him crashing down, and they both fall to the floor, where they continue to kiss.]
Harris: Seriously, guys? I can’t use this! Couldn’t you be normal for like three more seconds?!
Join us at 7:30 on Valentine's Day at the Canadian Tire Centre for more of whatever this is, and even better hockey!
*****
@hockeygirl1221 that’s it. i’m calling my ex. no one can stop me.
@troybarrettofficial Wait, why are they the official power couple? Why aren’t we? @harrisdrover1995
@harrisdrover1995 @troybarrettofficial you’re number 1 in my heart, babe!
@theroselandry my shaylas 🥹😈🥹😈🥹😈🥹😈
@shanehollanderfan1 **respectfully** GAY.
@haydenpikemontreal @ilyarozanov81 you’re the worst.
@ilyarozanov81 @haydenpikemontreal hey hayden. remember that time you outed us? that was fun.
@haydenpikemontreal @ilyarozanov81 i said i was sorry like a million times. what more do you want from me?!
@ilyarozanov81 @haydenpikemontreal @jackiepike custody of your kids would be a good start
@jackiepike @ilyarozanov81 just let me know when to drop them off!
@centaursfan75 they are so down bad for each other i simply cannot deal
@hattrickzzz my god. i am so lonely.
@sk8erboi My heart. So soft. So hot. Much need.
@puckyeah @centaurshockey are they always like this? please tell me they’re always like this.
@centaurshockey @puckyeah They are, in fact, always like this.
@realshanehollander Thanks for a great interview @harrisdrover1995. Sorry we made out. We can’t wait to see everyone at the game!