Chapter Text
Hudson hadn’t realized just how exhausted he was till Christmas was rolling around. Their projects backlogged to post, he was granted a little over a week of ‘vacation’. While it wasn’t entirely free- he still had meetings, the occasional interview, and scripts to get through -he was sure to take advantage of the emptier schedule before he’d be thrust back into the spotlight. The first several days had been a hectic mess due to the holidays, however as Christmas passed and his phone died down, he was finding himself sleeping more than anything. He’d doze off while reading scripts, journaling, in the middle of sketches- finally finding time to get back into drawing -and couldn’t even make it halfway through Die My Love before he passed out cold.
He wasn’t complaining about the temporary bout of narcolepsy, unaware of just how sleep deprived he’d been till he was waking up relatively refreshed a couple days before New Year’s Eve. He made his rounds with his old friends, however a nagging loneliness that’d been eating at him couldn’t help but linger. It was a loneliness that couldn’t be filled by his parents, or cast mates, or childhood friends. It was strange. He hadn’t had much trouble ignoring it when occupied with Christmas, but now things were slowing down, he found his mind wandering back to those bouncy curls and ocean eyes.
He missed him.
Saying goodbye to Connor had been hard enough. Even with the knowledge that they’d be seeing each other in a week, it had been difficult to reckon with the fact that Connor would no longer be just a room away. The more time Hudson had to reflect on it, the more he was realizing just how at peace he felt the two days they’d been each other’s and no one else’s. Though they’d been texting, with the hustle and bustle of Christmas, they hadn’t had a chance to speak on the phone - let alone facetime. He hadn’t heard from Connor in a few hours, and was pulling out his phone to check to make sure he hadn’t missed any messages from him. The last text he sent still showed as ‘Delivered’ - Hudson eyed it for a moment before throwing caution to the wind and double texting him anyway.
H: Facetime tonite? I’ll probably be up late
[ typing… ]
H: Miss your face
Hudson eyed his slew of texts for a few more seconds, half expecting Connor to start typing immediately. When his text was still reading as ‘Delivered’ a minute later, he was locking his phone and tossing it aside. He had been sitting on the couch in his living room for some time now, every inch of his coffee table occupied by his journals, unfinished sketches, and a stack of scripts his agent had brought over earlier that day. She had been adamant about him getting through at least half, though his concentration depleted after the first hour of reading, and Hudson found himself idly doodling in his sketchbook instead, Arrested Development playing quietly in the background. He didn’t have anything specific in mind at first, the corners of the page filled with random doodles, but eventually he found himself outlining a face. He had been in the midst of giving the blank face a rich head of curls when his phone pinging was pulling his attention.
C: What time? It’s already pretty late here
Forgetting that Connor was two hours ahead, Hudson was silently cursing to himself as he checked the time. It was a few minutes before nine at night. He was in the middle of typing his reply when Connor’s chat bubble was beating him to the punch.
C: I think I can slip away if I can call you right now
[ typing… ]
C: Gimme a sec
Not expecting this, Hudson set his sketchbook aside and darted to the bathroom. He had only a moment to fix his hair and shrug on a t-shirt before his smart watch was vibrating.
C: [ INCOMING FACETIME ]
Darting back to the living room, he had to fish his phone out from between the cushions, and hoped he didn’t look as frazzled as he felt when he answered. “Hey.” He was saying this while the screen was still loading, and by the way the video lagged, Hudson could only assume Connor was outside. It was dark, and the sound of crunching gravel filled his speakers before a quiet click! was followed by a wash of yellow light. By the look of the ceiling, Connor was in a garage, and he was settling in a plastic chair before finally speaking up.
“Hey, sorry, I was escaping.” Connor’s words were muffled due to an unlit cigarette balanced precariously between his lips, and Hudson watched him ignite it with a lighter before he continued. “I couldn’t call you inside otherwise my mom would talk your ear off.”
“How is she?” Hudson asked with a smile, settling back in his spot on the couch and muting the TV. “Is everyone in town?”
“Yeah.. everybody.” Connor murmured with a huff before taking a long drag from the cigarette, and he wasn’t speaking up again till he was letting out a puff of smoke. “My parents are doing alright, but my sister brought her boyfriend and it’s made everybody.. a lot.”
“Why?” Choosing not to comment on Connor breaking his smoking habit- he was aware of how intense the holidays could be -Hudson took his time inspecting him instead. Connor was bundled in a coat that was too big for him, his lips a noticeable pink that matched the t-shirt he was wearing underneath. By how he was dressed, Hudson could only assume it was mildly chilly down there, Connor’s tolerance for the cold nonexistent.
“You know my family..” Connor was telling him with a shrug. “..they’ve been waiting for her to get married and have kids forever. Now she has a boyfriend, they’re turning on me.”
“They want you to get hitched?” Hudson watched him take another drag of his cigarette before beginning the subconscious pat on his body and then around him on the couch for his vape.
“I mean.. ideally, yeah. I’ve apparently been single for ‘too long’, which is.. a weird thing to say to somebody.” Connor murmured this with a faraway look in his eyes, as if reliving the unpleasant moment and Hudson couldn’t help but laugh at the sight. At the sound, Connor’s eyes were flickering back to the screen and his lips were pulling into a smile. “Fuck you.”
“It’s not my fault you’re practically a spinster.” Hudson told him playfully before taking a long drag from his vape, which he’d found between the couch cushions as well.
“You know, it kind of is.” Connor was shooting back equally as playfully.
“Why? Should I have proposed by now?” Hudson was shooting him a wink as he said this and Connor was shaking his head, sending his curls flying, before rolling his eyes.
“It’s too late now. You’ve ruined my virtue.”
“That’s one way to put it.” He couldn’t help but say this, and by the way he eyed him through the screen, he could tell Connor’s mind had wandered to the exact same place his own had. Their time together had resulted in the best sex he’d had in a while, and Hudson found himself reminiscing about it far more often than he’d ever admit. The kinds of noises he had pulled out of Connor had done wonders for his ego, and had it been up to him, Hudson would’ve squeezed in several more rounds before Connor left.
There was always next time.
“Yeah.. well.” Connor shrugged vaguely, though Hudson noticed his face had become considerably more red. It was annoyingly adorable how embarrassed Connor seemed to feel about their intimacy. For someone who carried themself so well and seemed utterly at ease in even the most stressful of situations, Hudson only had to give him a particular look to reduce him to a blushing mess.
“You disagree?” Hudson asked, selfishly baiting him. Connor took a long drag from his cigarette, clearly using the time to stall before he was exhaling.
“I never said that.”
“Do you.. regret it?” The question was one Hudson hadn’t even considered till now, and knowing how apprehensive Connor had been about the whole thing from the start, he internally kicked himself for not asking sooner. Connor’s expression didn’t shift at the question, the cigarette lingering at his lips, but he did seem to be considering it seriously.
“No.” He was finally breaking the silence after a few beats. “I mean.. not in the way you’re wondering.”
“What part of it do you regret then?” Hudson wondered, more curious than worried. Connor watched him through his screen, and he was momentarily blurred from another puff of smoke before speaking up again.
“This kind of shit is really messy, Huddy.”
“I know.”
“And we’re only gonna get busier, but.. not for the same reasons.”
“Yeah.. I know.” Hudson murmured more dejectedly this time, and he was taking a particularly long drag from his vape before adding, “But it’s not like we’re never gonna see each other.”
“Yeah.” Connor looked as if he wanted to say more, though Hudson’s mind had already wandered to the potential of the New Year. He’d deliberately avoided looking at his calendar for January, already hyperaware of the fact that his agent was determined to keep him booked and busy. As excited as he was for the next step of his career, this recent development in their relationship was making it hard to leave this part of his life behind.
“Don’t stress out about this, you’re gonna stress me out too.” Hudson said after some silence, fingers restlessly fidgeting with the dial on his vape.
“I’m sorry.” Connor was apologizing, and Hudson watched the way his curls danced in the wind before he was speaking up.
“When do you fly in?” In hopes of lightening the mood, he changed the subject. “In a few days, right?”
“New Year’s Eve.” Connor murmured as he bent down to the ground in order to put out his cigarette.
“Don’t tell me you land early..”
“It’s early.” Connor told him as he sat back up, and his lips were pulling into an apologetic grin. “I’m sorry, honey.”
“How early?” Hudson groaned, doing his best not to sound too disappointed.
“Seven.”
“Seven? A red-eye?”
“Yeah, there wasn't a ton later. It’s New Year’s, Huddy.” Connor told him matter-of-factly, though he was grinning. “I mean, I don’t have to come if it’s too early-”
“Shut up. You’re coming.” Hudson told him stubbornly, and he was mirroring his smile. “I’ll need to set, like, a million alarms. You’re lucky I love you.”
“I’m the one who’ll be tired. You know I can’t sleep on airplanes.” Connor was shooting back with a scoff. “You’re lucky I love you.”
“You can sleep when you get here.” Hudson watched Connor give an involuntary shiver. “Well.. you’ll sleep eventually, at least.” At the implication, Connor was rolling his eyes.
“I’ll probably be better in general after a nap.”
“Unnecessary. I’m happy doing all the work, babe.”
“You’re.. ridiculous.” Connor seemed to murmur more to himself than anything. “I’ll need to shut this down.”
“Why?”
“Because you get carried away, Huddy.” Connor told him pointedly and Hudson couldn’t help but smile guiltily at the fact. “I can’t just let you have free reign of.. my body.”
“It’d be pretty fun if you did.” Hudson pointed out, and Connor was raising his eyebrows.
“For you.”
“I’m just a giver.”
“I’m a giver too.”
“I never said you weren’t, Connie. You need to relax.” Hudson was telling him with a laugh, and by the look Connor was giving him, he was sure to add, “I don’t know why you don’t just let me make you feel good. I really enjoy it.” At this, Connor didn’t seem to have a response. He contemplated it for a second, and Hudson wanted to ask what he was thinking. So he did. “What are you thinking about?”
“It’s just been so long since I’ve done anything with anybody, and when I do.. it’s you.” His fingers fidgeted with the lighter, and Hudson could tell he wanted another cigarette.
“Connie..” Hudson began gently. “You’re spinning out a bit.”
“I’m not spinning out.”
“A little bit, babe.” Hudson murmured with a small smile. “We can dial it back if it worries you that much.”
“No.. it’s not that.” Connor shook his head, his attention shifting past his phone, probably to his house. “I think my family is just making me crazy.”
“Happens to the best of us.” Hudson could sympathize with that much, being surrounded by family was a whole different kind of pressure. They had asked if he was seeing anybody at Christmastime too. He didn't have an answer.
“How were your holidays?” Connor had fished another cigarette out of his pocket when he was pulling Hudson from his thoughts. “Feel like I’ve just been complaining this whole time. Sorry.”
“No, it’s okay. You can always complain to me.” Hudson told him earnestly.
“Don’t tempt me. How did your holidays go?”
“Um.. pretty uneventful.” Hudson shrugged, twirling his vape between his fingers. “Nothing really new with family, honestly, they’re painfully boring - in the best way possible.”
“Boring must be nice.” Connor murmured quietly, but not so much that Hudson couldn’t hear him.
“Yeah, it’s pretty refreshing.. finally had time to hang out with friends which is nice. They’re really excited to meet you.”
“Yeah? I’m excited to meet them.” Connor’s lips were pulling into a genuine smile as he said this, eyes lighting up in a way that made Hudson’s stomach flip uncomfortably.
“I wish you were here.” It had fallen from his lips when the feeling washed over him, desiring nothing more than to be close to him again. Connor’s grin was melting slightly into a shy smile, and Hudson watched the way his tongue nervously ran over his lips. He wished he could kiss him.
“I wish I was there too.” Connor was muttering quietly into the silence, his fidgeting had slowed to a halt. “I love my family, but it kinda gave me whiplash..”
“Going home?” Hudson asked, not quite understanding but wanting to.
“Yeah.. it’s kind of like stepping into a time capsule.” Connor said this quietly, and because of the wind, Hudson nearly missed it. “I dunno. It’s kind of hard to explain.”
“Try.” Hudson encouraged him gently, eyes watching Connor pull his hood more firmly over his head to shield him from the wind.
“I guess I never really realized just how.. removed I feel from my past till coming back here.” Connor chewed on his bottom lip before continuing. “Like, being in LA was one thing, but I guess with the show and being in Vancouver and everything..” He trailed off for a moment with a helpless shrug. “Being around extended family and, like, seeing old friends.. It feels like someone else’s life.” Connor was blinking rapidly as he said this before rubbing his eyes. “I feel like such an asshole for saying that.”
“You’re not.”
“I am though.”
“You’re just growing up, Con.” Hudson assured him. “I can sympathize a bit with the guilt. I mean.. ever since we started press, it’s been kind of tough not to feel so.. fake sometimes.” He’d admitted it before he had a chance to think it through, and part of him wanted to take it back, but Connor was speaking up before he could.
“Yeah, being “on” all the time kinda sucks.”
“It’s getting kinda tiring.” Hudson chuckled in agreement, though it didn’t feel very funny. It wasn’t until he had more than twelve hours to himself that he realized just how busy he’d truly been the past few weeks. The month and a half of straight photoshoots and press had left a considerable gap in his journal. He hadn’t had much time to sift through his own feelings about everything and it had taken its toll physically. No wonder he’d been sleeping so much.
“Hey.” Connor was saying quietly, pulling him from his thoughts. “When I get there, let’s just unplug.” He suggested this with a look that made Hudson curse the two thousand miles between them. “Life’s been crazy.. and it’s only gonna get crazier, but at least we can have a couple days of quiet before..”
“It gets really loud for a while.” Hudson finished his sentence with a sad smile. “No, I love that idea.”
“We’ll just stay in and watch shitty movies.”
“Hopefully not just shitty ones..”
“Yeah, yeah, Mister film school.”
“There are plenty of great movies out there, I’m just saying.” Hudson murmured with a shrug, and Connor was rolling his eyes affectionately. They watched each other for a moment, Hudson reluctant to break the silence for once. The idea of having Connor to himself for a few more days left a bittersweet taste on his lips. Hudson was hyperaware of his tendency to overindulge when he was given unfettered permission and access, and the whiplash of having to say goodbye the first time around had already been hard enough.
The aching in his chest seemed to deepen every second he was forced to view him through a screen. It was as if Connor were the personification of nicotine, he couldn’t entirely blame himself for not being able to resist. Even the thought of having him within arms reach was forcing Hudson to adjust in his seat, hands tugging at his briefs. For a moment, he thought Connor had become briefly telepathic, his rosy lips pulling into a grin.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Hudson echoed back to him, and neither of them said anything for a moment, before Connor was looking past his phone yet again.
“I should probably go.. it’s late. My mom’s probably gonna be looking for me.”
“Yeah, mine too.” Hudson murmured, and Connor was laughing at this, his head falling back and curls dancing in the wind.
“Huddy.. aren’t you at home?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re silly.”
“I love you.” Hudson told him, and Connor’s grin was shifting into that shy smile again. He was so beautiful.
“I love you too.”