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Remi’s shadow looms over him, “Do you wanna tell me why you’re off today?”
From the ground, still trying to catch breath into his burning lungs, Jasper does little more than scowl and bat at his ankle.
Of-fucking-course. Of course, Remi notices.
It’s delusion for Jasper to believe he could keep a part of himself private.
“I’m fine.” He hisses back. Remi doesn’t even flinch.
“Don’t lie. You wanna talk about it or not?”
“No.”
“Fine,” Remi says, shrugging it off, “Get up.”
In defiance, Jasper spends one more long moment to himself before he pushes off the ground into a sit, then tentative stand. Remi offers him a hand to take and Jasper shrugs it off, even as blackspots crowd his vision.
Fuck. He’s exhausted. No amount of exercising is keeping the weight of waking hours from slowing his movements. Some simple sparring was buckling him at the knees.
Maria balks just outside his vision, “Again?” He asks, one hand resting on a cocked hip.
Remi shrugs.
Maria shakes his head with an air of blithe acceptance, rolling back his shoulder blades. He shakes out his hands, jumping back into an effortless bounce between the tips of his feet, “Okay. Come at me.” He says, blowing a stray curl out of his face.
Jaspers’s head is a leaded weight, almost incapable of staying aloft. Dreariness sink into his very bones, sapping at his energy every passing moment– How long has it been since he last slept? Days? It’s hard to tell in a lightless cell. The glorified closet.
He blinks hard and throws his head around again. It does little to wick the sticking cobwebs of sleep from his mind.
How can he sleep when there’s so much to do? So much to get done. He’s still trying to find a smooth way to find out where Aguiar’s gone, while also studying, practicing, and sharing only the acceptable parts back to his handlers. It’s maddening. He’s not sure what lies he’s told, or where they become truth again- If they ever do.
His foot shifts back, stance settling into a low crouch. Maria’s pinching face scours through him like a hot brand. He doesn’t need his pity– Nor Remi’s. If they were so worried, then they could let him go with all the information he needs without all of this other rudimentary bullshit.
Jasper lunges. Faking left, he banks his weight to the right off his stronger foot. Maria slips a breath away, close enough to touch, and shifts his own force upwards, under his ribs. His hands clasp around, link somewhere behind Jasper’s spine– His hand is wrenching backwards, pinning behind and away from his usual range of motion–
Wham! His word spins as Maria throws him hard to the floor. Pain lances up his back and he arches upwards, mouth agape in a voiceless cry– Stop, stop, stop–
He slaps the mat and Maria’s presence leeches away. He coughs, tingling numbness prickling at his fingertips. He yanks his hand back, under his chest.
“Jasper.” Maria calls, distant. He blocks out his voice, eyes squeezing shut. His chest thumps with an aching, bruising, heartbeat, a cold sweat breaking out on his temples–
Closer, more insistent; “Jasper.” And a scorching hand brushes his hip.
A string, pulled taut, suddenly snaps. “Get the hell away from me!” Jasper shouts, gnashing his teeth. He rolls off his front, feet shoving at the floor. He hits the wall fast, fingers jumping up to tangle in his sweat-soaked hair– “Fuck!” Shit. Get it together, get it together–
There’s a chair leg within reach and he kicks it, breathing hard. It scatters and falls to the floor, clattering echoing through the room.
“Fuck off!” A hot wave of shame washes him, anger and frustration bubbling in a noxious concoction down deep into his stomach. His gripped hair turns into a hard tug, face ducked towards his chest. Idiot. Dumbass!
No one’s even near him. No one’s said a word. Jasper tunes into every sound and none of it circulates him– Probably because Maria’s off getting his fucking needles and Remi’s about to tackle him–He’s already over enough of his fury to see how fucking stupid it was and unworthy of sedation it’ll be.
He tightens his jaw. And waits.
Blood rushes in his ears. He waits. His skin breaks out in goosebumps and a cool breeze from the AC-unit brushes his skin. The Order’s modest gym has a single clock that ticks away idly, constant and steady from high above.
His breathing slows. Fingers unwinding. Subconsciously, he brushes a hand down his neck to feel for a puncture he simply hasn’t noticed. His search returns clean and unruptured skin. Cautious, he opens his eyes.
Maria’s unwinding his wraps, expression neutral. He has a towel thrown over his shoulder and his focus seems more honed in on the next task than Jasper. He sits back up the chair Jasper kicked and pushes it back to its table.
Remi, on the other hand, sits a stone-throw away with one knee cocked up and the other splayed. He’s ease incarnate, a calm and sturdy footnote central to the turbulence.
“When’s the last time you slept?”
Jasper rubs at his face. “I’m sorry.” He needs to get ahead of all of this. Just apologize, get it over with.
A muscle in Remi’s jaw jumps, “When’s the last time you slept?”
He throws his arms up, scoffing. Exasperated, Jasper stammers, “I said I was sorry.” He tucks his face into his bicep. Whatever bullshit punishment Remi has in mind, he can take.
“Jasper.” Remi grits out, sharp, “I’m your charge, your handler, your mentor– Not your mother. Don’t apologize to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”
Jasper rocks his head back, crown bumping the wall. He shoves his frustration down, “I’d tell you if I knew.” And, when the pettiness fades from novelty, “A day. Two?”
Maria sucks a breath in through his teeth. His tied up curls bounce with each shake of his head.
Remi sighs. “Alright. You’re done.”
His heart leaps into his throat. Jasper throws himself forward, “Wait–”
A languid palm, even from spitting distance, holds him in place, “For today.” Remi clarifies, “You sleep, eat, and rest. We come back to this later.”
Maria props against the wall, “Maybe tomorrow.” He offers, brows high.
Not good enough. If Jasper wants to get back into the field, to use that info The Order has against the cult– “I can do it–”
Remi’s voice remains steady; “No. No you can’t.” He rises up onto his feet.
“I’m not a child!” Jasper insists. It’s stupid to just sit here and pretend as if Remi isn’t desperate for an excuse to tug the leash.
“Then act like one and tell me when you’re struggling.” Remi rolls his eyes, “Believe it or not, I need you to be efficient, Jasper and you can’t do anything when you’re sleep deprived; That’s how people get hurt. You lose your edge on the battlefield and it’s over. I can’t train that out of you, it’s human nature. So until you get more chatty, I decide what you need and right now? You need sleep.”
He needles him with a glare, daring him to belabor the topic further. Jasper turns away. He refuses to take the bait.
He’ll believe Remi when he sees it. Until then, clearly whatever makes him sleep at night will continue to keep Jasper up.
“Understood?”
“Understood.”
A water bottle shoves under his nose. Maria gives him a crooked grin. He swipes it from him with a mumbling gratitude.
Remi runs a hand through his hair and stalks off, silent.
It’s not until the door swings shut behind him that Maria pipes up;
“You’ve got a good kick. Even sleep deprived.” Maria settles along the wall beside him, wiping his brow.
Jasper pops it open, shrugging.
He nearly chugs half the bottle in one go, and recaps it before he can swallow down the other half. He spins the cap over the threads, mindlessly watching it chew and grind up the edges.
“I’m surprised Remi stopped you. Kinda thought he was about to let you go till you passed out. Guess that doesn’t look too good on a mission record though. I would’ve. Consequences teach you faster than we could.” Maria muses.
“Wow.” Jasper drawls, “Real nice of you.” He takes an extra long sip to keep from biting back further.
Maria stiffens, “I’m not trying to be nice. I’m trying to help us both reach our goals.” He huffs, “Jesus, Jasper, if you can’t trust us, then trust that we want that.”
“You took my– You–” Jasper sucks in a breath through his gritted teeth, scowling, “How the fuck am I meant to trust anything you say?”
“You can’t. And I’m asking you to do it anyway. It’s unfair, Jasper, I know it is. You also don’t have any other choice.” He scans him over as the quiet resettles, jabbing a finger at him, “Either we help each other out, even a little, or we go back to how things were.”
Jasper thumbs his brow, tension building in his skull.
“...I’m fucking tired.” He gasps out. It’s more emotional than he wants it to be, laced with grief.
Maria softens. “I know. Yeah. I know.” He settles back against the wall, “You wanna nap here for a bit? I think I know how to shut off the lights.”
Jasper drums his finger against the plastic. “...Yeah.”
There’s slivers of light still running through the space from windows and doorways. It’s perfect for Jasper to recline against the mats and simply rest, finally.
“Is it too bright?” Maria asks, stretching his arms over his head.
Jasper shrugs, “No. It’s nice.” And, after a moment, “The cell is too dark.”
He pauses mid-step, and Jasper can almost hear the cogs in Maria’s head turning.
“... I’ll see what I can do about that.”