Archive of Our Own

Alec Hardy was having a good day.

Let’s just leave that there for now, let him realise it, bask in it. In the first time in about a decade or so, he was actually having a good day.

He woke up today having slept almost full eight hours and he woke up while holding Bill, which was a rare occasion since the doctor always either woke up at 5AM because he was a masochist or had to go to work earlier than Alec. They even had breakfast together and then Alec headed to work, where, without any major cases, he managed to sort out almost all of the paperwork he had left from the last ones.

After work, Miller insisted he went for a walk with her and little Fred so he pretended to not want to go and then followed her anyways, because he kind of missed the little guy. Of course, he was shit with children and just stared awkwardly as the boy babbled with his mom, but it was getting warm outside and he was fine with walking on his own while his best friend and her son talked, so he had a good afternoon.

Really, a good day. It could only go better now as Bill would be coming to his house for dinner. The doctor had started to come more frequently to his house now, even if just to sleep or eat and then go to work, which meant that their routine settled down even more, and Alec would be lying if he said he didn’t feel a pang of something deep, something devouring the insides of him at that thought.

So Alec started the preparations. He had been meaning to surprise Bill, he had for a while, he was not good at giving presents, or perhaps just making an effort, he was a man of unconditional loyalty, he used to wear his heart on a sleeve, shovel affection and love towards his partner, never one for gifts, never one for showing up, never one for doing things he didn’t like for someone he loved.

That used to keep him up at night, after the divorce. Perhaps if he did more, Tess wouldn’t have had to cheat on him, if he gave her more presents, if he took her to dinner more often, if he actually took care of some chores and lifted the weight of her shoulders once in a while.

Those thoughts are long forgotten now, but they still show up sometimes. Mostly when he watches Bill take care of him, do for him the chores that he wouldn’t do instead, cook him healthy meals because Alec was fine with surviving on plain toasts, hug him through his nightmares even after a long day at work.

But he’s becoming better at handling them. He tells himself that if Bill does it, he must want it. He is a doctor after all, he has a thing for taking care of people.

Alec himself has become duller over the years. Colder. He can’t show his love as he used to do before, he can’t speak it out loud, he can’t spontaneously start physical touches, he can’t do most of the things that used to come naturally. That used to make him a good partner.

But he’s relearning now.

Small steps.

Bill makes him feel invincible. As if he could do everything and he’ll still be there, always there. And he’s dead set on making this last.

So here he is now.

Cooking dinner.

The thing is, Alec knows how to cook. Kinda. He knows how to do the basic stuff: a plate of pasta, some types of meat, and all the preprepared foods that he can find at the supermarket. But he’s not doing that now, he is cooking a full on meal and he is going to do it right.

Miller lent him her cooking book, not without a cheeky smile and teasing him for becoming an “housewife”.

He has bought all the ingredients after work, he has his sausages, he has his potatoes to make the purée, he has the peas and he has the onions. It should be easy. He definitely won’t try to make any fancy pasta to go with it, he eats little enough and Bill doesn’t have the greatest appetite after work. But he has bought a cake.

He didn’t know what to take, he went through many options and then settled for the most basic one, a fruit cake from the supermarket. He didn’t even think of getting one from the bakery in town, he supposed that years and years of eating with very low-effort have taken a toll on his mind. Making a whole different trip just to go to another store to get something they already have at the supermarket? Useless. This does just as well.

The cake is in the fridge, the table is already set for two, no candles, he forgot the candles, he just has to finish cooking.

Only problem being, he has no idea what he’s doing.

The book says very clear stuff about the minutes and the ways of preparation but Alec can tell that the sausages are still raw despite being cooked for about thrice the time it says and the purée is basically liquid and probably the only eatable things are the peas and the onion.

He runs an hand through his hair, cursing himself for being so useless and also making such bad choices in his life, when the bell rings.

Huh, that’s weird, he checks his clock, Bill isn’t supposed to come until… He pauses for a moment. Had he really spent that long trying to cook? Not only is it the time they’d decided to meet, it is an hour and a half past that. He huffs and goes to open the door, knowing Bill, he probably also lost track of the time at work.

Bill was not having a good day.

His hand shook as he reached the doorbell and rang. He looks around, he has no idea where he is. He tries to bury that feeling away, the incessant voice in his head telling him that something is wrong wrong wrong— he is safe. He is here and he’ll figure out where here is in just a moment. He just has to stay calm and collected and not breakdown.

The door seems to not open for ages and that’s when he realises that he has quite a terrible headache, his vision is blurry at the sides and he is focusing too much on the door, how long has it been?

The door opens then and he winces at the loud sound it makes. Alec is there in front of him. Alec, right, his lover, his partner. Bill actually has no idea why he came to him and not back home, don’t panic, don’t panic, play cool.

“Hello, I- wanted to see how you were doing.”

“Yeah I bloody hope so, It’s 8.30PM.”

Bill can’t very much make sense of the sentence, he sighs as the pressure in his head is ever persistent. He forces himself to give him a little smile and then walks past him and into the house.

He takes his coat off, mechanically, and his scarf too, hanging them on the usual rack. Alec closes the door behind himself but doesn’t move from there.

“Are you alright?”

“What?”

“You don’t look alright.”

Bill inhales shakingly. The feeling of panic and terror ever growing, he’s just so confused, his head hurts so much, this doesn’t feel real at all. But he can’t tell that to Alec. He can’t ever say that out loud. He’s not a weak lost lamb, he’s Bill Masters, he’ll sort this out by himself.

“I have a terrible headache.” He tells Alec, it’s part of the truth after all.

“Oh.” He just says, a bit lost on his track. Bill is usually the pinnacle of health, he is strong and sturdy, he doesn’t suffer from headaches - like Alec does - or stomachaches, he has an high pain endurance level, he is just fine. “Can I- uh, help?”

Alec asks, unsure even on what to say.

Bill smiles at him then and it’s a wrong smile. It’s too tight at the edge and his eyes are a little too pained and he looks as if he might burst out crying at any moment.

“It’s fine, really. I just need to sleep it off.”

“Yeah. Alright.” Bill is a doctor, he probably knows what to do already. “I uh I actually have a surprise. For you.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah. Just- just go sit at the table. I’ll be back.”

Bill should ask him something, he should be curious, he should tease him for it, he should do anything, but he doesn’t. He just looks through the room, trying to overpower the blurriness of it and walks to the table.

Alec reasons that it’s because of the headache, so he doesn’t push. They’ll have dinner and then he’ll immediately push Bill into getting to bed, perhaps he can give him a massage, something to alleviate the tension.

Bill sits still at the table and tries to recollect himself. Deep breaths, ignore the pain, ignore the confusion. He is safe, he just has to get this straight.

What was he doing?

How did he get to Alec’s door?

If he managed to answer those two question, he’s sure he would feel a lot better and perhaps less scared. Not that he allows himself to name it that. Scared.

He looks around for a moment, searching for something, anything that might make him remember. What day is it?

He has an idea, he puts his hand in his pocket to fetch his phone and maybe— but it’s not there. He frowns, searches again. He searches all of his pockets. He goes to the rack and searches his coat too, nothing.

Alright. Let’s not worry. This is surely tied to the rest of the Situation. He goes to the living room then and glances at Alec’s computer, he could just… He clicks on the screen, it’s already open. The light startles him and his headache only deepens. He closes his eyes and opens them just a little, searching for the little date in the corner.

Thursday 21/11. Right.

The date doesn’t ring any bell, he’s not sure why he thought he’d magically remember something. He goes back to the table.

It’s a Thursday, he thinks, so he must have gone to work. It’s 8.30PM, as Alec said, so he has to have gotten out at least an hour ago, maybe sometimes before that if it was a calm day.

What then? Why can’t he remember?

The spiralling thoughts only make his head hurt more and he has to rely on his hand to keep it up, he sees more and more blurry, is he going to cry?

“So.” Alec’s voice sounds so loud he almost jumps from the seat, fortunately he manages to hide it well enough. “It’s not much. Maybe it’s shitty. Like at a 75% it’s shitty. But I wanted to do something. For you. So I- uhm, made this.”

He gets into the room then, putting two plates in front of the each of them. Bill actually manages to swallow around the discomfort for once, had Alec actually cooked them a decent meal? One he must have put effort in, one that will fill him well enough and is also healthy enough as it is.

He looks up to him with a smile. Alec grunts as he sits down, refusing to meet his eyes.

“Yeah yeah. Taking care of myself, am I? Like I am a bloody toddler. Eat your dinner.”

Despite the grumpiness, Bill is actually well versed on Alec’s behaviour and he knows that he is just very flattered and didn’t want to hear any praise for it. Bill’s smile just intensifies as he takes a few bites.

The sausages are a bit dry, and too salty, and the purée tastes only like onion, but it’s a real meal that Alec cooked for him and it warms his heart. No one had cooked for him since his last divorce. He randomly feels a wave of dizziness hitting him and he has to grip the fork tighter to have a grip on reality. His vision is starting to swim.

“How is it? The purée is shite but the rest?” Alec asks, looking anxious. Bill manages to turn his head to look at him, Alec’s figure is just a stain with how much blurry he’s seeing. It feels like his stomach decided to take a trip on a rollercoaster and not advise him.

He doesn’t even manage to open his mouth that he feels it. A warm rush of liquid coming up his throat. He gets up immediately and barely manages to reach the bin before emptying all of his stomach there.

He heaves a few more times, trying to catch his breath, but the smell is horrendous and he can do nothing if keep on gagging.

Alec is at his side after a minute, Bill realises distantly that he’s rubbing his back.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Won’t ever cook again. Such a stupid idea. Should’ve ordered take-out.”

Bill manages to lift his head for a moment, his head is pounding like crazy, he can barely hear his own voice.

“Not- not you. Headache.”

Alec doesn’t reply to that, he simply scoffs. “Let me help you to the bathroom. Brush your teeth, then I’ll order something.”

“Not hungry.” Bill mutters but lets himself be pulled up by Alec, that turns out to be a very wrong turn of actions, because in a second, his vision starts swimming again and he has to dive back down and throw up again.

He’s not sure for how long he stays there, hunched over the bin and spilling his guts out. He’s has thrown out so much that it’s not even coming out of his body anymore, it’s all gastric fluids and heavy gags.

“Did I poison you?” Alec asks, mostly to the air. “I’m so sorry. Holy fuck. Didn’t think I could go this bad.”

Bill wants to reply, but he is so wound out, he is so tired, he is so scared. He can barely remember what happened a few moments before, or during his day, he is just so scared. He tries to steady his breath but everything is too fuzzy, is too blurry, the headache is starting to feel like something distant. Something far away. Then it’s gone, as well as him.

Alec has never felt more scared in his life.

He watches as Bill slowly, very slowly, relaxes his muscles and he has to grab him with an arm around the shoulders to avoid him from falling face first into a bin with his own bile inside of it.

His mind is spinning, he doesn’t know what to do. He immediately changes position so he can have a more steady grip on him and then moves Bill until his head lolls onto Alec’s stomach.

He knows literally nothing medical, he tries to unbury his memory of training when he first became a cop. He should definitely make Bill lie down, on the side so he won’t die if he throws up again.

He extends himself from his position and manages to grab a cushion from the couch, putting it on the ground and then changing his grip. He cradles Bill’s head with one hand and his back with the other as he gently accompanies him onto the ground, turning his head on the side.

What the fuck.

What the fuck.

Bill is sickly pale and his skin is covered in sweat, he is definitely not well. Alec immediately goes to the kitchen to get a cloth, he dumps it in cold water and then sponges his face with it, wiping out the sweat. Then, he dumps it in the water again and lets it rest over Bill’s forehead.

After that, Alec basically runs to gather his computer and does what only a very desperate nan would do in this case, he searches the symptoms on the internet.

The moment Bill reopens his eyes, he is even more confused than before. His whole body feels heavy, he is not sure where he is.

Alec is over him in a second.

“I poisoned you.” Is the first thing he says. Bill has to blink once, twice, before he can look at him. What?

“It’s all my fault. I must have undercooked the sausages, or not washed enough the potatoes, or maybe something was expired. It’s all my fault.”

Bill’s head isn’t pounding now, which is a very good thing. But he feels as if his whole brain is engulfed in some kind of fog that prevents him from thinking clearly.

“What?” He manages to say, it takes a lot of effort to talk.

“You have food poisoning, and it’s my fault. You passed out.” His voice is incredibly soft as he speaks but Bill’s ears still ring from pain. Everything is so loud, everything is so bright.

It takes a moment then, like a flicker of light. The sensation that had been accumulating in Bill’s body, followed by his never resting thoughts now silenced by the fog finally combined.

“Call an ambulance.”

In all of his life, Alec has never been more scared. As a police man, yeah, he’s had a very long list of good scares, of moment that left him speechless, that left him devastated, that stopped his breath. But nothing like the sound of Bill’s voice, as serious and weak as he’d ever heard him, asking for an ambulance like that.

He fumbled for his phone and immediately made the call, meanwhile, he asked Bill. “Why? What’s wrong? What’s happening?”

The hospital answered and Alec gave them the address, but he didn’t know what to say as the cause of the call. Food poisoning didn’t necessarily require an hospital, was it really that bad? Had he almost killed him?

Bill interrupted his train of thoughts, clutching his trousers with a weak hand as he heard the caller ask for the cause again.

“Concussion.” He whispered.

“What? How?”

“I- Dunno. Hit my head. Symptoms coincide.”

Alec immediately told that to the hospital, no questions asked, then hung up as he waited for them to come.

“How did you get a concussion?”

“Don’t know.”

“Bill.”

“Don’t remember, ‘s the truth.” He slurred, closing his eyes and frowning.

“Fuck. How bad is it?”

“Not bad. Just… Annoying.”

“What can I do?” Alec asked, still in his kneeling position. He feels so out of his depth, so scared, terror is running through his veins mixed with a bigger, angrier part of him that wants to yell and scream and tear Bill apart for not fucking telling him.

“Close the lights. Turn off.” He corrects himself, taking a little pause to breathe. “Light sensitive. Speak quietly.”

Alec immediately rushes to turn the lights off, he’s not sure the total darkness would help to keep Bill awake, so he turns on a very dim lamp in the corner of the room.

“Now- now keep me awake.” Bill says, and closes his eyes exactly as he finishes the sentence.

“Oi!” He opens his eyes again then. “Awake, yes. Until the ambulance comes.”

“Yes.”

“How the fuck- how the fuck did you get a concussion?” He says, realising that he’s yelling and immediately turning his voice into an irritated whisper.

“Don’t remember- you- you already asked that.”

“Yes, because I cannot even fathom that you can’t remember how you hit your head so fucking hard that you had a concussion.”

“It’s- It’s a symptom. ‘M a doctor. Should trust me.” He is slurring his words again, the figures are dancing in Bill’s eyes at the dim light and he’s faintly aware that he’s losing consciousness again.

He can’t manage to tell Alec though, so Alec simply watches as he closes his eyes and doesn’t open them again.

He’s not even sure what he’s doing just then, he yells at Bill to wake up, he thinks of slapping him but avoids the thought - head is sensitive still. He grabs the towel from his forehead and dumps it in freezing water again, letting it drop on his face as he puts it on his forehead.

He calls the hospital again. He is so fucking angry he can’t even think clearly. He yells at them to accelerate the fucking ambulance, receiving only vague informations about its position and paternalistic attitude. They tell him to calm down and he smashes his phone on the ground instead.

“I can’t lose you.” He says to Bill’s unconscious body. He doesn’t know what to do. “You can’t do this to me! Wake up! Wake up! I swear I’ll drive you to the hospital myself.”

Yes, that’s what he’ll do. He rushes to get the car keys and then dives back down to Bill’s body, he makes sure to hold his head with caution as he helps him into a sitting position.

Bill jolts awake then. His head are fogged with confusion and he’s so pale he matches the walls.

“What- what?”

“I’m driving you to the hospital.” Alec says firmly, lifting him just another bit. He needs to get him on his feet.

“No- no ’s- dangerous.” He can’t even speak correctly, he keeps slurring his words in a way that’s not his. Alec is so damn scared.

“How the fuck is it dangerous? It’s a car!” He is full on yelling now, he really can’t keep his voice lower than this.

“No- it’s the- Alec.” Bill flinches and stops him as they are, he takes a second to gather himself. “Nausea. If I faint I’ll bump my head. Dizziness. Not safe.”

Alec knows that it’s true, Bill is a damn doctor for Christ’s sake, but he can’t handle this, he can’t handle the fear, he can’t handle the feeling of helplessness.

“What can I do? What can I do?” He asks again, he’s quietly aware that he’s screaming but he doesn’t realise he’s also crying until a lonely tear drops on his hand.

“Alec. I’m not- I’m not dying.” Bill says, barely managing to speak. “It’s- you don’t die from a concussion.”

That barely reduces Alec’s panic, but it does in the slightest. He’s not dying. He’s not dying. He’ll be fine. He shakingly helps Bill back down and takes a deep breath. He has to stay calm. He has to.

There is a knock on his door just then and he quite literally jumps up. The paramedics get inside his house with a stretcher and he wants to claw his skin out at the sight of them lifting Bill onto it.

He immediately makes his way to the ambulance but he’s stopped by the paramedics.

“We need room. I’m sorry. We’ll be taking him to Bridport Community Hospital, you can follow us by care.” The doctor in front of him says, quite literally shielding him from the view of the ambulance.

“No fucking way, I’m getting in.” He makes to move forward but the woman grabs him by the arm.

“Sir this is nonnegotiable.” She says, firmly.

“I don’t care, you either let me in or I’m making my way there.”

“What’s your relationship with the patient?”

Alec stops in his tracks. He knows that most Broadchurch talks about them, he knows the rumours surrounding them, he hears his colleagues calling him queer more often than not, but he can’t out Bill like this. He can’t, not to his coworkers too.

He immediately deflates, feeling more devastated than before as he watches Bill getting into the ambulance.

“I’ll- I’ll go there by car.” He mumbles to himself, hating all this shit, hating living in a small town, hating the fact that as much as they try to act like they’re free, they’re in fact very much not.

He turns around and gets into his car, it takes him a moment then, he’s at the wheel and he’s trying to put the key inside but he can’t fucking get it there—

He lets out a frustrated yell as the key falls and he punches the wheel once, twice, before grasping into his own hair and tightening his grip so much that he’s sure he ripped some strands out.

He takes a second there to breathe heavily and then he retries the key and pushes it in. He’s sure he must have got at least five fines for excess of velocity on the road but he doesn’t care, his only thought is getting there as soon as possible.

It takes various excruciating moments there, he is in the attendance room and he’s quite literally arguing with every nurse in there to tell him fucking something.

In the end, he is confined to wait in a room that’s supposedly near to where they are doing some exams on Bill. He doesn’t even know for how long he stays there, he is clawing at himself, crying silently and praying.

He’s never been the religious sort, his family just wasn’t christian and he never saw the appeal of it, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t pray and pray for most of the times he spent there.

His cellphone also rang inconsistently. It was half broken at the screen from where he’d thrown it earlier but it still somehow worked, just to annoy him.

He doesn’t know for how long he stays there, just in the clutches of panic. Bill is fine. He won’t die. It’s just a concussion. Why is he reacting like this? Why is he so upset? It’s fine. It’s not a life or death condition. He’s fine.

He is quickly distracted by his panic when he feels someone quite literally slap him on the back of the head, he barely has the time to turn around that he’s engulfed in an awkward, constricting hug.

“Are you fucking mad?” Miller is standing in front of him, he’s too stunned to do something other than stare at her. “Don’t you fucking have your phone with you?”

“I’m not- What are you doing here?”

“You’d know if you answered my calls! I was worried sick, I didn’t even know if you were still alive or what.”

“Alive? Wha- what are you talking about?”

Miller seems to realise just then that he has no clue on what’s happening, she is still for a moment, before sitting down next to him.

“There was a call at the station, they have… Found a car, it was stuck against a tree on a road nearby.”

“Miller, I really have no will to talk about work now, Bill is in the room and they’re doing a CT scan on him so would you at least leave me alone?”

Miller looked genuinely surprised at the mention of Bill in the hospital, but not nearly enough.

“Hardy, sir, the car was Bill’s one.”

Alec stopped in his rambling then, his eyes boring into hers.

“They ran a check and it was signed to his name, that’s where I tried to call you, because I knew you had dinner tonight, and when you didn’t answer I thought you had an accident and where in some hospital somewhere. They wouldn’t tell me if you were here or not but this is the closest hospital to Broadchurch, so I came to check.”

Alec rubbed his eyes at her words, trying to put two and two together. Fortunately, it was usually his job to try and recollect the past.

“Bill came to my house for dinner, he was weird but told me he had just an headache. He threw up then fainted. Told me it was a concussion. Didn’t remember how he got it.”

“Oh. Oh gosh. That sounds-“

“Awful? Yeah.” He says nothing, taking a moment to just breath and try to dry the tears that threaten to fall from his eyes. “Don’t know why I was so nervous. It’s not like he could die from it.”

“Well, if he hit his head again he might be at risk. You were lucky he didn’t fall when he fainted.”

“Yeah no thanks Miller, you really know how to alleviate a situation.” He got up from his chair, starting his pace again. “For Christ’s sake.”

“I meant that it’s reasonable you were scared! I would be scared too if someone I love got hurt, you’re lucky you didn’t see me when Fred got sick three years ago, I was full on panic-on-legs.”

Someone you love.

That sentence somehow still rings new to him. It’s not that he doesn’t love Bill, far from that, it’s just… Weird. To be perceived like that, as a part of a pair, of a couple. Yes he loves Bill, yes he’s his partner, yes he’s someone he loves. He swallows the feeling down.

“He must have gotten into an accident. Hit his head and passed out, maybe as he got back to his senses he just went where he felt safe.”

Safe.

Yeah okay. Miller was dead set on making him cry today.

“Mmh. Yeah. Yeah seems like the most reasonable option.” He sits back down then. There is a swirl of feelings inside of him that he can’t even name yet.

“So what, I’m alive and well, you can do whatever cheesy shit you do on work nights.” And he will stay here. Waiting for Bill. Alone. He feels a claw in his throat, something ugly and curled scraping the walls of it and begging him to speak, to ask for help. He swallows it down, he always does.

“I have a family to take care of, thank you.” Miller says, then seems to soften a little, at least compared to her usual self. “But i’m staying here tonight.”

Alec looked at her for a moment, he feels so vulnerable right now, so scared. His heart is constricting his chest for the inside and he briefly wonders if he’s at heart attack risk at the moment. He lets out a small breath.

“Fine. Okay. Knock yourself out.” He looks away, trying very hard not to show Miller just how much this means to him. He smirks a little at himself to a brief thought that crosses his mind. “Ye did hug me just there.”

“Oh shut up.” She groans, crossing her arms.

“You did! All arms around my neck and stuff. Very touchy-feely.”

“Totally undeserved. I take it all back, stay unhugged.” She huffs, with no true harm behind her words. “Knob.”

Alec smiles a little more, running his hand through his hair. Perhaps this Hell could be a little more bearable now.

Bill opens his eyes and all he sees is the dark.

He doesn’t feel very well. Actually, he doesn’t feel well at all. He can’t quite recall what happened, or where he is, or how he got to bed in the first place. He feels fuzzy, as if he’s not even really here at all.

He tries to move but he feels so very heavy and so tired, there is something behind the fog, a drilling headache that just won’t leave him alone. He hears some muzzled voices from outside, and despite the quietness, they still make him flinch.

“You are allowed to visit for one hour, mr. Hardy, one hour in total. Your friend sadly cannot come in, one person at a time. He’ll be held only for tonight for observation, night visits are not advised.”

“I’ll leave you to it.” He hears a female voice say. Perhaps Ellie? “Just please get some sleep as well.”

“Yeah yeah, alright.” A bit of pause. “Not advised, so they’re allowed?”

“Well, yes, but he may have some worsening symptoms and would need to be observed at all times, so you may be woken up by the nurses or the doctors would have to ask you to leave the room for some exams-“

“Right. Don’t care. I’m staying. It’s not like I’d be able to sleep anyway.” Bill chuckles a little at that, always the stubborn one, then flinches again. Any minimal effort just makes his head worse.

“He has been dosed with anti-nausea and painkiller medicinals, so he may be a bit drowsy.” Oh that explained quite a lot actually. He does feel a bit drowsy.

“Yeah. Okay.”

“And he’ll need extreme darkness and quiet. You can’t speak loudly, or force him more than he can handle.” Concussion treatment, his sore brain gently suggests. Does he have a concussion?

“No shit, okay, can I get in now?”

“Sir this are very important notions. No opening the windows. No turning on the light. No screens of any type. Don’t make him move too much and don’t tire him.” Yes it’s definitely a concussion. The moments before are a blur, that is supposed to be normal. He’s fine. No need to panic.

“Fine. Alright. Nothing at all. Can I get in?”

“Yes, okay.” He hears the nurse mutter. “Not like they pay me enough for this anyway.”

He feels the door slightly open and he outright groans at the sliver of light that feels the room. He tries to turn around but it feels like pushing a rock on the side of a mountain. Oh his head hurts so much.

“Bill?” Alec gently calls for him. He only groans in return. He closes the door then and Bill manages to open his eyes again. “Bill, are you okay?”

“I feel quite unwell.” He murmurs, his voice feels so rough to his own ears, even talking feels like a chore.

“That’s the understatement of the century.” He hears Alec move around the room, although he can’t see exactly what he’s doing in the dark. He hears a loud thump then and he quite literally shoots his hands to his ears. He feels a ring inside his head, followed by the constant drill of his headache only getting more intense.

After a moment, he feels it subside and manages to tear his hand away.

“‘M sorry. I’m so sorry. This room is so dark, couldn’t find a fucking chair.” He is whispering, Alec’s voice sounds so funny when he whispers. He feels something grab at his hand then, something cold and slightly clammy, he hums softly as he realises that it’s Alec’s hand.

He smiles, turning around on his side with quite an effort, but it’s worth it to see the dark silhouette in front of him. “Hello.” He says fondly.

“Shit, you’re really high, huh?”

“Don’t be so rude, I am only two inches shorter than you.” Bill is not, in fact, that high. But Alec’s hand feels very tense in his own, and he’s shaking so much that he can almost see it in the dark, he feels the guttural need to lighten up the situation.

Alec snorts, a little tension from his hand dissipating. “Can’t talk to you like this. Feels wrong.” He mumbles, and the tension is back again.

“That’s because you’ve never seen me accidentally inhale nitrous oxide before.” He smiles a little lopsidedly. “I was very euphoric indeed.”

Alec sighs, another little smile crowding his so serious face. “Yeah. Alright. No need to go all jester on me. You’re the one in the hospital bed.”

Bill squeezes Alec’s hand again, bringing his knees slightly upwards from his position so he is almost curled like a ball around Alec’s hand. It doesn’t feel weird, now that he doesn’t understand what’s going on, it’d probably feel like that if he was completely sane.

“Just need you to be okay.” He whispers, pressing small kisses to each of his fingers. “‘M fine.”

“You weren’t.” Alec says softly. “You weren’t fine. You threw up a lot. And fainted. I thought I poisoned you with my shit cooking.”

The evening came back to him in a blur, he couldn’t quite remember much, but he did remember some bits. Before he passed out. “Shit. You cooked. ‘T was very good.”

“Shut up.”

“It’s true.”

“You wouldn’t know. Spilled out most of it in about five minutes after eating it.” Alec sounds a little hurt. Bill caresses the back of his hand with his thumb.

“It was. I remember.”

“It’s fine anyway, I don’t care, I just- just don’t want you to do stupid shit like this.”

“Like what? Get a concussion? How thoughtless of me.” He jokes, a little bitter.

“No, by stupid shit I mean crashing your car and just having dinner with me without saying bloody anything about it! Without getting checked or telling me that you feel bad.” He hisses, his voice is too loud, Bill winces and moves his head to press against his ear again. “Shit. Sorry.”

“Don’t remember it.” He whispers, still not taking his hand off his ear. His other hand is quite literally smashing Alec’s one. He realises the grip a little. “The crash and everything. Nothing at all.”

“It’s fine. the nurse said It’ll come back, eventually.”

“I felt so weird.” He says instead. “Like I was floating all the time. Didn’t remember anything. Not what day it was, nor why I was there.” His head doesn’t like thinking about it, he notices as it starts to pound even harder.

“And you didn’t say bloody anything about it.” Alec concludes, his tone is bitter but it’s clear that he’s restraining himself, clear that he’s hurt by it but won’t talk about it now.

Bill, embarrassingly, can feel the tears gathering up in his eyes. He almost has an heart attack at the thought, jesus he has not cried since he was what— 7? They are not even arguing now, it seems a little exaggerated at best.

Despite that, he can’t help but feel the son rising in his throat, the sting in his eyes. He moves one hand to quickly dart at the tears but it’s too late.

“Are you— crying?” Alec seems surprised himself. “I- err. I- I’m sorry. Did I do something? Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Mood swings.” He just utters out, the sound is muffled by the fact that he literally moved his head until it’s buried fully against the pillow. “Emotional sensibility. Concussion symptoms.”

“Oh.” Alec says dumbly. “I’m- I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to yell at you. Or- or insult you. Er. Please stop. Crying.” He says awkwardly, he’s never been in this position before, he’s never seen Bill so vulnerable, trying to hide the tears in his pillow as his body tries to suppress the sobs.

“I’m not crying. I don’t cry. I’m not a teenage girl.” He snaps, then clearly regrets it as he flinches in pain. “It’s a stupid symptom. Don’t look at me.”

It all feels so childish, so unbelievably raw. Alec is immediately reminded of Daisy, of the many times he found her daughter crying herself to sleep but she was too stubborn to admit it, of the many times she fell over and tried to keep the tears inside, too proud to let them fall. He is also reminded of the fact that he never let her do that at all, he never comforted her, he accepted it. She was a strong kid after all. And now he can’t wipe her tears, no matter how much he’d want to. And he bloody well wanted to.

He feels a surge of stubbornness just then, something coming entirely from a brave area of his brain that he usually tries not to let take over. “Budge up.” He tells Bill as he gets up from the chair.

“What? It’s just a fucking condition Alec, I’m not feeling anything.” He says, voice still muffled by the pillow. He does a once over of the bed.

He moves then, taking off his shoes, and then intruding himself in the lying space in front of Bill.

“What-“ The other man says, lifting his head from the pillow slightly. “Alec, what are you doing?”

“I told you to budge up.” He replies, simply, adjusting himself so he is an half-sitting position and slowly starting to slide down. He says nothing else then, awkwardly moving his arm so it rests over Bill’s back.

“Hardy. Drop it.” Bill groans. Ahhh surname use, he was actually mad. “I told you I’m fine.”

“Am I not allowed to hold my uh ah partner, while he’s concussed and crying?”

“I’m not crying.”

“So you don’t deny the concussion.”

“It’d be quite hard to do with the drill inside my head.” Bill sighs then, lifting his head slightly and moving carefully, he moves until his head is positioned on Alec’s chest, right above his ill heart. “Don’t touch me. If you jostle me too hard I might get worse.”

“I’ll be very careful.” Alec says, slowly moving an hand up so it can very lightly brush against his temple. “Scout’s honour.”

“No no.” Bill says instead, stopping his hand. “Don’t do it. It’s not worth the risk.”

“I want to alleviate some of the pain.” Alec says stubbornly.

“Then help me sit up.” Bill says instead. Alec tries very hard not to feel the sting at the end of the moment. “It helps with brain pressure.”

“Nurse said you’d be fine lying down too.” Alec whispers.

“Yes, well, it’s really just a matter of comfort, but I don’t need comfort, I need to heal quickly.” Bill makes a move to sit up and then he feels an intense, sharp pain crossing his head like an arrow. He lets out a distressed noise, his head falling back down on Alec’s bony chest.

“Shit! Don’t move. Doctor my arse, stay still.” Alec hisses. “You need to rest, nurse made it clear.”

Bill doesn’t really have it in himself to contradict him, or to argue against him at all. He simply closes his eyes shut and tries to regain control of his breath, hoping that it’ll calm the striking pain.

He feels something brush against his temple then, something light and so fleeting that he almost didn’t feel it. Alec’s fingers aren’t even touching him properly, just brushing against his skin in the motion of a circle. Somehow, that manages to calm Bill a little down.

It’s been a very stressful day and his old therapist would probably advise him to not bottle his feelings up, as he always does, and perhaps admit that he’s quite scared and doesn’t quite know what to feel. But as much as Bill has grown as a person, he still doesn’t think he’ll allow himself to say the word “scared” outside of an iperbole just yet.

With the light touch, he manages to forget the pain a little bit and inevitably scouts closer to Alec’s lying body. Usually, Bill is in that position. He is the one that sleeps mostly watching the ceiling, an habit he’s learned in boarding school and hasn’t let go just yet, Alec instead likes to press his face against the soft surfaces of his body.

This is comfortable too, he finds. His face now  smushed against Alec’s chest, just short of his neck, his arm stretched around his back as Bill’s arms managed to circle his waist. He likes this too. Although he really should get Alec to fix his eating habits, he can almost feel the singular ribs poking into his cheek.

“Do you need me to sing to you?” Alec teases.

Bill harrumphs. “Shut up. You’re the one who can’t sleep without me.”

“Very true.” Alec says. “So you better not die, understood? How could I keep on living without sleep?”

Bill never answered, he was asleep before he could, the drugs and the headaches cursing through his veins. Alec sighed softly, he felt the sleepiness deep inside his bones, but what if he moved in his sleep? What if he jostled Bill?

“I love you, do you know that?” He found himself whispering, heading Bill’s light snores from his chest. “I love you so much.”

He tried to stay awake, just listening to Bill’s even breath to calm himself down, his hand distractingly moving in circles over his temple, until he couldn’t help it as sleep washed over him, and it felt a little bit like falling down a deep hole.

He woke up, unsure how many hours later. It was still dark outside, there were three people in the room.

“I’m sorry, DI Hardy.” One of them said, whispering. “You can keep sleeping.”

“Wha’s happenin’?” He slurs the words, one eye open and one still closed.

“We need to check Doctor Masters blood levels.” The other one said. “You can stay where you are, you are not of hindrance.”

“Mmh. Huh.” Alec just said, exhaling slightly, he looked around, they seemed to be quite done with Bill. Alec’s thoughts at the moment only consisted of ‘Warm. Soft. Bill.’ so he sluggishly turned around until he could hug his free arm and fall unconscious again.

There was a moment in which only the heart monitor filled the room, then one of the nurses spoke.

“Teresa, you owe all of us.” Gwen said, a malicious smile on her face. Susan just stared at the two men with raised eyebrows, trying to focus on the exams.

“Well, yes, okay. Geez, why are all the hot ones gay?” Teresa said, a little dreaming sigh coming out of her mouth as she stared at the clear couple lying in the hospital bed.

Alec quickly found out why couples in marriage bid to “sickness and health”. He was quite sure that if Bill had been his husband, he would have probably divorced him out of spite just now.

Bill, as sick, was the most stubborn, idiotic, prideful prick of the whole damn world. Not only he insisted that he wasn’t sick, despite the doctors having clearly told him that he needed to spend at least two weeks in bed before he’d be able to move, he also made sure to make it everyone’s problem.

Bill wanted to spend his time working on his patients’ files, despite clearly being light sensitive and struggling to read? Fine. As he pleases. Alec is not going to tell him to stop for the fifth time, but he would at least appreciate it if Bill didn’t throw up on the damn floor after doing it.

“I can’t keep on like this.” Bill exclaims, pinching the bridge of his nose as he tries to regain his breath. “It’s been a week already.” Alec quite literally forced him to lie back on the bad as soon as he got in, turned off the light, and was now aggressively scrubbing the puke from the floor. They had agreed that Bill would stay at his house for the entirety of the two weeks, Alec imagined it as a bliss, having him always close, but now the stubbornness that matched him so well and that he found incredibly attractive was just right down annoying.

“One of the two weeks. One. And she said even maybe three weeks.” Alec says, stopping the scrub for a moment as he looks over at him. “And since you apparently don’t take care of yourself, they may as well become four.”

“This is bullshit.” He groans. “What am I supposed to do? I can’t go to work. I can’t work from home. I can’t go outside. Jesus, I can’t even watch TV. Am I supposed to just lie down for another week and look at the ceiling?”

“And listen to the radio. Yes.” Alec points out, the old thing that he himself had gone to retrieve from Bill’s house, the fossil that worked only on divine intervention and luck, it was one of the only things Bill could do without throwing up or developing a killing headache.

“This is such idiocy.” He mumbles.

“Yeah say that all you want, who’s scrubbing your guts off the floor right now?” Alec snaps, Bill doesn’t deign him an answer. Bastard.

He huffs as he leaves the room, having finally cleaned it all off. He throws away the gloves and the sponge and tries to shake the smell off his nose. He gets back inside Bill’s room instead. They’ve decided that he will sleep in the guest room for now, despite still sleeping with Alec for most of the nights, it’s safer for him to also have a place to lay down during the day without disturbance. Also, when Alec feels particularly anxious, he is always scared of moving during his sleep for the nightmares, so he prefers Bill to have a safe space where he can’t make his pain worse than how it already is.

“Oh you came back.” Bill just said, his voice oddly quiet. During those days, Bill has also been incredibly… Vulnerable. Alec doesn’t know how to put it, he remembers Bill’s quite adamant lecture about mood swings and the effects of a concussion, but despite that he is all in all quite softer than usual.

“Of course I came back. Where would I go? ‘S my house.” He said, closing the door behind himself.

Bill says nothing once again.

“I’m sorry I’ve been gone, most of those days.” He sighs, slowly heading towards the bed until he can sit on the very edge of it. “You know how work is. I tried to leave as early as I could.”

“It’s not a problem, Alec, I’ve already told you that.” Bill says curtly.

“Well, I don’t like leaving you alone like this.” He replies. “So forgive me for being sorry about it.”

“I forgive you.”

Bastard. Alec sighs once again.

“Are you actually mad at me for telling you to stop working until you puke?” He asks. “Because I’m sure you can tell how stupid that sounds on your own.”

“I’m not mad at anyone.” Bill says, clearly mad. “I am just… Frustrated. I want to go back to my normal life.”

“Well then maybe if you stopped being a dick about this whole thing, you could go back to it faster.”

“Oh. Okay. Let’s have you staying at home then. No one around. No technology. No work. Just you, on this bed, in the dark.” He half-shouts.

Alec grimaces. “You… Have the radio.”

“I don’t care about the fucking radio.” Bill quite literally shouts, taking a pillow from under his head and throwing it at Alec.

“Okay. Okay. I’m sorry.” Alec says, lifting his hands up. He slowly bends forwards and grabs the pillow, moving to crawl on the bed. “Lift your head.”

“I’m not a fucking princess, I don’t need you to do everything for me.” Bill snarls, but lifts his head up anyway. Alec huffs until he can adjust the pillow under him, then settles back down next to him.

“Then clean your own vomit.” He says, before moving forward and hugging Bill from behind.

“What are you going? Release me.” He says the moment he feels his arms, but doesn’t make any move to take him away. Alec only tightens his grip, resting his head against his back.

“I miss you.” He mumbles against his skin. “Wish you were feeling better.”

Bill seems to soften up considerably at that. “I am here. Always at your service, how can you miss me?” There’s an hint of tease in his voice and Alec is happy to hear Bill smile, even if it’s for a second only.

“Ah. Don’t know. Just being stupid I guess.” He sighs. “Just miss you being happy. No actually forget I ever said that, that’s cheesy as Hell-“

Bill turned around just then, his arm coming over Alec’s shoulders until he could pull him towards and into his chest. “I’ll recover soon. I didn’t mean to be so rude.”

“Nah. Not rude. Just a little bitchy. Very bitchy. You did just throw a pillow at me.” Bill snorted a little at that, adjusting his legs so they could intertwine with Alec’s ones.

“I’m very sure you deserved it.” Bill said, still chuckling, pressing some little kisses on top of Alec’s head. He hesitated a second then before speaking again. “I think I remember.”

“What? The pillow? Glad you did. ‘T was a very dramatic scene if you ask me.”

“The incident.”

Oh.

Alec stiffens a little in his arms. During Bill’s recovery, he had been the one to retrieve his car - with his signed authorisation - and take it to the mechanic. They had been trying to find the dynamics of the accident, also by the cameras, but it was a lonely and dark street and the footage was taking forever to come back.

“You- you don’t have to talk about it.” Alec immediately says, although he’s even unsure why. He knows that it’s not, technically, such a traumatic thing, but it still feels wrong to have Bill as vulnerable as he was in these days.

“No it’s nothing. I think I was a bit tired, had a long day from work. Some idiot cut me off. I remember the car coming in front of me and swerving around, I don’t remember much from there, I think I hit a tree and then it’s all a blur.”

“Yeah Miller told me that when you were in the hospital. Told me you probably hit your head and just went somewhere that felt- uh. Ah. Safe.” He doesn’t know why this sentence makes him blush so much, especially now that he’s quite literally pressed against Bill’s chest.

“I honestly do not remember, but it’s common for people with concussion to make such decisions and not remember them.”

“Such a doctor.” He huffs. “Even when you were unconscious on my fucking floor you just kept on telling me clinical information. I was- I was so fucking scared honestly.”

“You can’t die from a concussion.” Bill parrots back immediately, like he’s been doing all these damn days.

“Yes well, let’s make it so I’m the one passing out in front of you and slurring words and looking like death on feet, see if you don’t get a little scared.”

“I’m always scared about you.” Bill sighs again, his hand finding the back of Alec’s head to brush the hair there. “You know how I feel about your heart.”

Alec, ironically, feels a pang in his chest at his words. He knows what Bill thinks, he knows how precious Bill considers him, how scared he is about an heart attack, how adamant he is in lowering at a minimum all of his efforts in fear of some consequences.

“Yeah. Okay. Touché.” Alec mumbles. “At least you’d never seen me actually have an heart attack.”

“Thank God I didn’t, I don’t know how I would’ve handled it.” He exhales shakingly. “You really should take better care of yourself.”

“Not this shit again, give me a break.” He protests, trying to get out of his arms but Bill’s hold doesn’t allow him.

“It’s true. The only time I’ve seen you cook a decent meal was- was-“ Right.

“Yeah. Not a good memory.” He utters. “Maybe Ots a sign, the universe is telling me to keep up my tea and toast diet.”

“Not on my watch.” Bill mumbles. “When I feel better, I’m going to cook you an entire gourmet meal.”

“Like Hell you will. Your cooking is shite.” Alec chuckles at the words, swatting at Bill’s shoulder.

“That’s is untrue and uncalled for.” Bill lowers his head just then, capturing Alec’s lips in a traitorous kiss.

Alec quite literally melted into it, tasting the toothpaste on Bill’s lips and bringing his hands up to cup his cheeks. He felt Bill moan into the kiss, his hands gasping and grabbing lower and lower…

The doorbell startled the both of them, making Alec jump in his arms. They stared at each other for a few seconds.

“Perhaps you should get that.” Bill rasped against him. Alec let out a little shaky breath.

“Err. Yeah. Right.” He adjusted himself up on the bed, giving Bill a discreet once-over. He huffed as he went on the door, opening it to reveal Miller on the other side of it, two full bags on her hands.

“Hello. Here comes the help.” She doesn’t wait for him to say anything, just pushes past him and heads for the kitchen.

“Wha- Miller, what are you doing here?” She doesn’t wait for his response, just leaves the bags on the table and starts taking stuff out of it.

“Here is the pasta. Always helpful. I took four bag because I didn’t know which kind you wanted. Then the sauces. I have found a few vegetables that look good enough even for you, so shut up about it really-“

“Miller. What’s this? Why have you… Bought me groceries?” He asks, watching as she starts stuffing stuff on his fridge.

“First of all, I wanted to see how your doctor was feeling, after I was rudely kicked out of the hospital. Second, I knew that you wouldn’t have anything at home, God forbids you take care of yourself, so here I am.”

Alec has, indeed, been ordering take out every night. But it’s different, he’s not used to having to care for two on dinners, he usually just doesn’t eat unless he feels like it.

“Well. Uh. Okay.” He stared at her, awkwardly watching her put away all the stuff. “Thanks, I guess.”

“No need to thank me, just good neighbourhood deeds.”

He smirks a little then. “You’re not my neighbour.”

She looks over at him. “Watch it.”

He snorts, helping her put the things away. In a moment then, Bill appears in the kitchen. He is, indeed, more disheveled than how Alec remember him. He insisted on not spending his entire day in his pyjamas, so he put on some old sweatpants they had retrieved from his house and a white shirt. His hair was kind of a mess and his expression still vie the signs of a never ending headache.

“Oi, I told you to stay in bed.” Alec reprimands, moving forward to him and grabbing him by the arm.

“Wanted to see who our guest was.” He only replied, swatting his han away. “Hello, Ellie.”

“Hi Bill. Good to see you. How are you feeling?”

“Likewise.” Alec puttered around, moving so he could turn off the lights and then close the blinds, plunging all of them in entire darkness. “Quite a bit unwell.”

“I see.” Ellie said, looking around. “Must be gloomy, all in the dark like a ghost.”

“Yes well, I have now acquired my own personal doctor that makes sure I don’t ever see a ray of sunlight ever again.”

“Haha. Funny. Let’s talk about that when you have an headache so bad you start crying.”

“I don’t ever cry Alec, I’m American, remember that? Different brain constitution.” Ellie chuckles at that, Alec just decides to not say anything to not hurt Bill’s pride again.

Conversation with Ellie is, as it always is, easy. She doesn’t seem to mind much the fact that they’re in the dark, or that Alec really doesn’t have anything to offer her. She seems pretty content on just chatting with Bill, who is much better at small talk than him, allowing Alec to be able to just sit there in silence.

In the darkness, he also feels himself much more secure. He feels the right to allow himself to stare at Bill more as he talks, without having to hide the admiration. He slowly, slowly, moves one hand until it can snake over Bill’s own, trying to hide the both of them by crouching his legs on the sofa.

When Ellie leaves, he greets her goodbye, he’ll see her at work tomorrow after all, but manages to catch a little whisper of conversation between her and Bill.

“What did she say?” He asks, feigning nonchalance. Bill doesn’t reply immediately, just moves forward until he can press a firm kiss on his forehead.

“Oh I’m afraid that’s a little secret, between friends, you know.” He smiles maliciously.

“Fuck off.” He says, grabbing Bill’s arm and directing him to his bedroom. He fluffed his pillow as he directed Bill to lay down.

“She told me that she likes me.” He admits, finally. “She likes how happy you are around me.”

Alec stares at him for a moment, feeling his cheek colour themselves in bright red. Fuck. “Yeah. Okay. Remind me to fire her later.” He mumbles, hearing Bill’s rich laugh in the background. And maybe this was it. In sickness and in health. Maybe this was what it was all about. Everything.

In a week or so, Bill would feel better, at least better enough that his stubbornness would lead him to go to work again. In a week or so, he’ll come back from work with a terrible headache and a throughout scolding from Alec for allowing himself to go out on such conditions, relieved at least that he took a cab and didn’t dare to drive.

In a week or so, Alec would prepare a bath for him, gently leading him to their dark bathroom. He would scrub his hair and his skin, hoping that the boiling hot water would alleviate his headache and muscle tension.

In a week or so, Alec would cook again.

In a week or so, Bill would sit on sofa, with a clear vision of the kitchen, covered in a blanket and with an headache cape borrowed from Alec - which hurt his reputation quite a lot, but was necessary - giving him instructions. Alec moved in the kitchen like a little working bee, and after an hour and quite a lot of shouting, he brought their meal. He grabbed a tray and handed it to Bill, making him scooch a little further to take his position.

In a week or so, Alec would be actually quite proud of himself, if not for the food itself, which was mediocre at best, for the happiness that painted Bill’s face while eating it. He would glance at the man next to him and be unable to stop himself from grabbing his cheeks and pressing a lingering kiss on him.

In a week or so, perhaps, they would be fine.