Chapter Text
The Titan launched its first attack with unreal momentum, palms aimed directly at the three heroes of the Prophecy and that Bill guy who showed up. Negative photons charged up directly above each palm-mounted eyesocket. From behind the Titan, thousands of Redaction Spawn formulated into existence from thin air with only the sheer will to censor anything it contacts powering them into existence. These football-sized devils charged forward on the Titan’s command, another pest in this unholy prophetic battle for The Dark Truth that humanity deserved.
“RUN!” Ralsei yelled as the Fun Gang dove for cover behind stacks of papers and shelves. Just a split second later, a beam of pure redaction meters in diameter blacked out everything within where they had just been. Half-charred papers flew everywhere, one landing precisely on Susie’s snout, the other wedged into Ralsei’s scarf and another grazed Kris with its sharpened edge orientated in such a way that it gave them an unwanted haircut.
“Aw darn it.” Kris muttered as they noticed a month's worth of hair growth on their left side be cleaved off by a sheet of paper that had… ██████████!??!?!?! on it. Holy shit this is big. All the puzzle pieces are falling into place. Their involvement in this entire sca-
“We’re still fighting a fucking Titan!” Susie screamed in the direction of Kris.
Kris nodded, grabbed their black shard and immediately gave themselves a self-haircut to maintain some sort of symmetry. Looking downwards and using an acidic puddle of redaction goop that was ██████ ████ as a makeshift mirror, they finished giving themselves the unscheduled glow up and jumped right back into the action.
“Aim for the faceplate!” Susie pointed out as Big Beautiful Bill drew his weaponized saxophone and charged at the Titan. Meanwhile, Ralsei was taking pot shots with his assault rifle, trying to distract the Titan away from the incoming Bill.
Susie fired off a pair of Rude Busters at the Titan’s faceplate as Ralsei’s barrage of 5.56×45mm bullets shot at just the right places to inconvenience it.
The Titan turned around after being shot in the side of the neck and elbow, preparing to spit redaction at Ralsei before Susie’s Rude Busters slammed into its face. The Titan tanked the momentum, only being knocked backwards by approximately twenty six Prunsels.
“How much HP does this thing have?” Susie yelled at Ralsei while acrobatically grazing incoming redactions to hasten her recovery of TP.
“Like what, sixty seven thousand?” Ralsei immediately replied, having blurted out the first number that came to his head.
“Sixty seven thousand?” Susie yelled in disbelief, before jumping away to dodge a Redaction Spawn that had nearly corrupted her snout off. She proceeded to decapitate the poor thing with one fell swoop of the JusticeAxe.
“Yeah! Sixty seven thousand!” Ralsei reconfirmed, reloading his assault rifle. Dozens of Redaction Spawn were now charging at the two with the agility of ferocious United Front for Humanity FPV drones on the frontlines in the closing weeks of the Great Human-Monster war.
As Susie and Ralsei periodically launched Rude Busters and hundreds of bullets at the Titan, Kris was parkouring closer and closer to the Titan. Scaling across dilapidated temple walls and violating Newtonian physics by somehow doing five block glass pane and ice neos, soon enough the head of the enraged Titan filled their vision’s crosshairs.
Meanwhile several hundred meters above, the Big Beautiful Bill flew upwards into the corrupted sky until he floated there hundreds of meters above the chaos below with the Titan and the Fun Gang exchanging blows. However, he sensed hundreds of Redaction Spawn ascending and chasing him down. Zipping around at the speed of a B-1 Lancer (are those even that maneuverable?), the gamer former president grazed enough of them to maximize his tension points, enabling him to unleash his most powerful attack.
“I call this one… the Belgrade Blitz!.” Clinton yelled as he focused his determination on bringing his trump card to fruition. From the skies above, hundreds of 500 pound Joint Direct Attack Munition bombs rained down on the crumbling world below.
“YOU’RE GOING DOWN LIKE DONALD TRUMP UNDER MY DESK!” Bill yelled as dozens of bombs made contact with the Titan and released their explosive payloads, sending it wheeling backwards and eliminating a third of its health. Viscous redaction flooded out of open wounds in a way that would get this fic rated explicit if the fluid was red instead of black.
“Yeah Bill!!!!” Susie cheered as she watched the bombs take down the Titan. “Maybe Bill isn’t so bad aft-”
Too bad friendly fire was enabled.
A JDAM slammed down just next to Susie and Ralsei and detonated, knocking off a significant fraction of their HP and yeeting them in opposite directions.
“Bad Bill!!!” Susie screamed in agony as she regained her senses, the 500 pounder having thrown her directly through four different marble walls within the citadel’s outskirts. Her clothes and her axe were painted white in marble dust. She would have to do some explaining to Castle Town’s laundromat.
Kris prepared to dive at the Titan’s head with their black shard. After taking a deep breath, they drew their blackshard and launched themselves downwards… before being parried by a JDAM that struck them right in the Solar Plexus. Kris ragdolled into the rubble between Susie and Ralsei, kinetic energy creating a crater the diameter of a Ford F-150.
“Sorry!” Bill attempted to reply, noticing the consequences of his carelessness, before several Redaction spawn snuck up on him and flanked his rear. He reflexively leapt in the opposite direction, right into the path of a Redaction beam that clipped one of his wings. Wait when did he have wings he is in no terms an angel.
With Bill’s mishap having temporarily removed the Fun Gang from the picture, the Titan set its sight on eliminating the one person present in this dark world who was in the list: Bill Clinton. The beast immediately charged forward as another wave of hundreds of Redaction Spawn manifested from its wrath, Bill immediately swooping in for another defensive combo.
“It’s just you and me, Hill-Billy.” the Titan screeched, yeeting the downed Fun Gang onto an elevated platform in the crumbling ruins with one swift swoop of its hand.
“Not just me.” Bill replied defiantly. “I’m calling for backup. Not JD Couchfucker Vance though.”
“That’s unfair!” the Titan yelled as it saw Bill pull up his cell and open Signal.
Susie gradually gained consciousness and looked at her unfamiliar surroundings, a pile of green and pink rags and a blue ragdoll laying motionless beside her. Looking up, the light of really scuffed hope shone from Bill Clinton’s angelic angel wings against the entrenching redaction. Redaction Spawn were flanking her elevated position.
“If I’m going down… I’m taking as many of you along to the pits of hell.” Susie yelled with the last of her strength, sheer spite overpowering her pain as she reached for the JusticeAxe.
“Crap, I misspelled his name.” Bill cursed himself as he tried to simultaneously call for assistance while dodging dozens of the Titan’s attacks.
It’s Al Gore, with a space. Bill. Bill remembered, having a split second window to dial another letter into the Signal chat after avoiding three death beams converging on his position like some sort of difficult Mathematics Analysis and Approaches Higher Level vectors question.
“I’M GONNA FUCKING GET YOU!” the Titan yelled, intensifying its redaction attacks against Bill.
Bill dropkicked several Redaction Spawn into nonexistence before finally pressing send in the Signal chat.
Seconds later, an infamously familiar blue pickup truck barged in from the sky.
“Ah, fuck.” the Titan said before the pickup truck impacted the Titan’s chest at Mach five, immediately obliterating it.
“It’s… gone?” Susie muttered in awe at the sudden Captain Underpants-ahhh deus ex machina.
“The author… really wants to sleep.” Ralsei said, having recovered. Susie saw green as both her and Kris were healed back to full HP. Susie immediately returned the favor with her BestHeal.
“But who or what killed it?” Susie said with some semblance of regret. The Epstein Files seemed like a cool ass Darkner before Pam Bondi did that thing.
Said blue pickup truck pulled up just in front of the Fun Gang (wait aren’t they on an elevated section of the ruins wtf). What was immediately noticeable was the critically injured body of The Original Epstein Files in the truck’s bed. What was also extremely noticeable was the occupants of the cab.
Former Vice President of the United States Al Gore… and Asgore Dreemurr.
The two immediately got to work moving the damaged Darkner off the cab and in front of the Fun Gang. As Ralsei and Susie immediately went to heal the Files, Bill landed next to them.
“So it’s been a while huh?” Al Gore said to Bill. “Especially considering how you’re…back in the national spotlight it seems.”
“Yeah.” Bill replied with some sadness. “I returned here to redeem myself, but it seems like these Delta Warriors got to it first. I seriously need to do some self reflecting…”
“Sometimes you have to branch out.” Al Gore advised. He quickly reached around and gave Asgore a wet peck on the lips, the yellow beard hair sticking onto his chin after the smooching.
Kris fainted.
“Oh yeah we should probably get going. The Feds are just outside. Jump in the bed of the pickup.” Al Gore said to Bill. Asgore hopped back into the driver's seat and initiated the truck’s escape sequence.
“Hold on!” Susie yelled. “You have some explaining to do!”
“Too late.” Ralsei conceded as the truck blasted off.
“Wait!” Kris yelled after regaining consciousness just to witness the blue pickup truck with their dad, his new boyfriend and Clinton levitate out of the Dark World. “Was Bubba you or the horse!?”
“You… saved me…” the Files said, no longer a heap of soaked and battered papers thanks to Susie and Ralsei’s free healthcare.
“We have the perfect place for you to stay.” Ralsei walked in and immediately began to heal the files, each page slowly drying itself from water damage and unwrinkling it.
“Where’s Bill?” The Files asked, glancing around the last remnants of this Dark, Dark World.
“He called for backup and then left. The feds are still after him.” Kris answered monotonously, not mentioning that one moment at all.
“Now let’s see who’s truly on these files…” Susie muttered as she picked up a crisp unredacted page now free to convey the desired information. “First name on the list! And it’s… drumroll please!”
Kris and Ralsei immediately pounded their palms on their legs, attempting to mimic the desired effect. Meanwhile the Files used its extremely muscular legs to repeatedly groundpound the floor and give everyone temporary tinnitus.
“Sebastian Wolff!!!” Susie yelled, throwing her arms in the air with the page on full display.
“That guy that Tricky Tony fired?” Kris asked.
“Yeah. Materia Collective’s mentioned heavily on this page. Seems like they got their funding from… somewhere.”
“One time between chapters four and five Wolff barged into Castle Town and demanded all the revenue from Queen’s mixtape. Needless to say, he got banished from my kingdom instantly.” Ralsei added on.
Susie flipped the page over. Her eyes narrowed as she skimmed the contents of the incriminating paragraphs.
“Oh crap this one is big. Did you know that… CAROL HOLIDAY is on the list?” Susie said.
“She’s on the list?” Kris turned around, completely dumbfounded.
“Yeah. No wonder that old lady acted so, so off.” Susie replied.
“This… explains everything.” Ralsei said, all the puzzle pieces clicking in together. He then proceeded to monologue for like half an hour explaining some theory like those AI-generated deltarune theoryslop videos on Youtube.
Kris’s jaw dropped and their hand fell off.
“Holy shit. You’ve solved the Deltarune. You’ve outsmarted Tricky Tony.” Susie said in amazement.
“There’s just one more thing missing.” Ralsei noted. “There’s a second name in the Epstein List that is complicit in this whole plot. The god behind it all, our existence, the Deltarune, the Prophecy. Who is… he?”
“He?” Kris turned around at Ralsei mentioning the possibility of another him on the Epstein list.
“There’s one name here that… doesn’t seem to be in English.” Ralsei said confusingly, handing the sheet to Kris. Their eyes immediately locked in on the anomaly: the text on the A4 FSC certified printer paper was devoid of printer tracking dots.
“No, not that! Look at the other thing dumbass!” Susie yelled from behind Kris.
“ROYAL SCIENCES LLC” in bolded black text occupied the heading, along with lines and lines of dollar transactions, typically in the hundreds of thousands of dollars. In the name and signature section, there was one line occupied by Jeffery Epstein and the other by… Wingdings.
“Oh yeah I’m familiar with that guy.” The Epstein Files said. “The man who speaks in hands. He was mysterious as hell and disappeared after a while, but something about him was very, very, interesting.”
Kris froze like they got internally snowgraved and the sheet of paper, the final piece to this whole problematic prophecy, slid out of their hands and fluttered onto the ground.
“Gaster.” Kris said after a minute of dizzying silence. “The one behind it all. He’s in the FUCKING FILES!” Kris started screaming just like they did after the Spamton NEO fight, and it took the collective work of Susie, Ralsei and The Epstein Files to calm them down.
“We’ll get him.” Susie and Ralsei said at the same time, patting Kris’s shoulder.
“Hey Epstein Files!” Susie asked. “Do you know where this Wingding Gaster guy is located right now?”
“In fact, I do.” it answered. “The royal scientist you are seeking is… at the HQ of OpenAI right now, in a meeting with Sam Altman.”
“What?” Ralsei screamed. “I knew that guy was sketchy, but, mind my language but for him to be a cogsucker? That seems… hyperbole.”
“You know what that means.” Susie announced, renewed hope crossing her heart. “We gotta go and pop the AI bubble!”
Determination with meaning flooded back into Kris as they immediately went and high fived Susie. Then Ralsei. Then the foot of The Epstein Files???
“Hell yeah!” The Epstein Files yelled, doing some roundhouses in the air in excitement. “Now can y’all bring me to Castle Town?”
“That’s going to be uhhh… complicated.” Ralsei answered.