Chapter Text
The lights are too bright.
Shizuku squints, the bright fluorescent lights blinding her momentarily as she shakes herself out of her half-asleep stupor.
Words swim in and out of her ears, and she is not fully there, because she is so, so tired. The walls of the reception area are plain, with laminated lists of her patient rights in black print. A clock ticks from above her head somewhere. Beyond the thick glass that enclosed the reception area she had fallen asleep in from the rest of the facility, she could make out the forms of the people she would be spending the next few months with.
How did it all end up like this? They were both doing so well, she thought. Then Shiho had tried to leave her, getting shipped away somewhere beyond her reach, and she broke in his wake. Shizuku cannot bear to be alone.
The clock keeps ticking. The nurses are checking over her paperwork, checking her for contraband, having her change into paper scrubs that hung loosely on her gaunt frame. She isn't sure how much time has passed. She's not sure if it passed at all.
She is empty. She is unbearably happy. She will not be alone anymore, and she is overjoyed.
She wants to laugh. She settles for a pained smile.
She's brought into the main common area, where a TV blares from behind a protective screen of clear plastic and she sees some of the people she'll get to know over these coming months. They all seem like fairly kind people, if the way they each interact within their separate little groups is any indication.
It makes her a sad. She cannot place why.
There's a cluster with four people, a girl with a pink bob, shining eyes and a wide smile, all her bright energy directed at a loud boy with pinkish-blonde hair (is that Tsukasa?). A green-haired girl sits slightly off to the side, looking at the group with some… some kind of look on her face, and a purple-haired boy watching over the other three with a coy smirk.
A few feet away from them sits two boys, one with two-toned blue hair and the other with a bleached streak in his mop of orange. They seem to be writing something, though she isn't quite sure what.
On the opposite side of the room is a quieter group, all sitting in a circle on the table. A girl with long white hair sits awkwardly, fingers curling into her palms. Next to her is a purple-haired boy, the quietest of the bunch, his face flat, emotionless. Deep within her heart, Shizuku yearns for the blankness of that stare, even though she doesn't know what he's like in actuality.
The rollercoaster of her violent emotion is too much for her to handle alone. She is always alone.
Opposite of those two is a brown haired girl, hunched over the table with her cheek in her hand. She seems to be drawing with crayons, and from the angle Shizuku is at, her art looks gorgeous. Finally, there's a pink haired girl talking in a quiet voice - her tone low because of the white haired girl? Maybe - and motioning with her hands. Her hair flows down her back, and it seems similar to Shizuku's own in the way it curls.
(It does not matter; they will all leave you in the end.)
The nurse who directed her inside steps forwards slightly, his hand reaching to touch her shoulder, but dropping back down.
"It's overwhelming for everyone when they first get in," He says, looking over the group, "I'm sure you'll adjust well."
He nods and goes back to wherever he was before momentarily, leaving Shizuku standing in the doorway.
Shizuku looks around once more, eyes falling on one corner of the room she hadn't checked before.
"Icchan, are you drawing Miku again? She looks so cool!"
"Thanks, but.. it's really not that good.."
She recognises those voices, and she recognises the faces even more. Which means…
"It is, though."
Shizuku lights up, shock, happiness, maybe giddiness, or anything else of the sort runs through her veins like a tidal wave. Shiho. Shiho's here. She isn't alone. He's okay.
He's… sitting seperate from the other three, face flat, similar to the purple-haired boy's, but there's less pain behind his eyes, his shoulders a bit less tense. Maybe it's because he's with his friends.
And not with her.
She swallows down the hurt that bubbles in her chest. He has his own life. it's only natural he move on.
Why did it hurt so much?
(They will all leave you, because they are too good, too human, too alive. You are not worthy of company.)
Before she has time to think further, to pry herself apart for the crimes she's committed, for not being enough for anyone at all, her sibling looks up and locks eyes with her.
Time freezes.
Shiho's eyes widen, warring emotions flashing over his face before settling back into a blank stare. Shizuku looks away instead. She is not the same girl that he knows. She is broken now. He will be disappointed, they will hate her for running away from her responsibilities as the older sister, she is nothing but a failure behind pretty face.
"Shizuku."
Her eyes snap back to her brother's face. She doesn't think she wants to see him anymore.
She wants to throw up.
"What are you doing here."
It's more of a statement than a question, though she isn't sure quite why. Her sibling sounds... sad? Why would he be sad?
"It got too empty at home without you," she says plainly, a faint smile that she doesn't really mean playing across her lips. and leaves it at that. She hopes he does not see the rope-burned skin around her neck, that he will not make her want him to care again. Everything already hurts so, so much.
She knows him, she knows he will notice. He always does. She tries to deny it anyways.
Her eyes burn as she turns away, and walks briskly out of the common room. Out of the corner of her eye, she can see Shiho stand from his clunky weighted chair.
(He will leave you all over again, if you let him. They do not care about you. Leave them first.)
The hallway is empty of commotion. The MHTs are still keeping watch, sure, but there is no chatter, no raucous laughter, no Shiho to confront for her wrongdoings. It's quiet. Too quiet.
She is alone again.
No, no no no no! She can't be alone, she's here so she won't be alone. She is here to fix herself, because she is broken and battered from the idol industry, from her absent parents, from her own filthy hands. She cannot be alone but she cannot see him right now, and it is killing her.
"Shizuku?"
A voice calls her name again, and she flinches. It does not sound like her sibling, but it is human and she cannot handle human beings because she is less than, she does not deserve to be an equal to anyone who has walked the Earth. She has her beauty and nothing at all.
She looks up despite herself, and is greeted by hot pink hair and a snaggletooth. Hot pink hair and a snaggletooth that she recognizes. Airi. Airi Airi Airi, what are you doing here? Her fellow ex-idol is far more of a person than Shizuku is, so why would she stoop so low as to check on her?
(She abandoned you. She will leave you again. She left you alone in that predatory industry, do not get close, because you will get hurt. She is not trustworthy.)
The pink-haired girl cocks her head to the side in... concern? Shizuku thinks that's what the expression on Airi's face is trying to convey, at least.
"Are you ok, Shizuku? You kinda just. Ran out of the common room. Wait-" She cuts herself off to squint quizzically at Shizuku. "Since when did you even get here?"
"I don't know. Sometime today," She mutters back. She does not feel the passing of time the same as she once did.
The hands of the clock ticked too slow, too fast, some stange speed in between. She couldn't keep up with the hours that passed, or maybe they couldn't keep up with her.
Airi blinks, taken aback by the uncharacteristic reply. Shizuku wishes she didn't notice. She wishes no one would notice.
She watched as the cogs turn in Airi's brain for about a second, before the pink-haired ex-idol simply nods.
Shizuku nods back.
She blinks, and Airi is walking away. Her brain is lagging behind, a gap between her conciousness and her body that's irreparable, that will keep her empty for as long as she lives.
She wants to cry.
The same nurse from before walks up to her. His nametag reads Ken, she notices.
"Let's go see your room, Ms. Hinomori."
…
Her room is mostly what she'd expect a mental hospital room to look like - off-white walls, hardwood floors and plain beds. Two shelves stood by the two beds, next to a bedside table besides each. A small bathroom opened out if the corner, and colorful blankets covered the bed opposite her own. The shelves, nightstands and beds were all bolted to the floor, though they would have all been too heavy to throw, she thinks. Such an odd safety measure.
"You're rooming with Ms. Momoi."
With Airi, huh? Shizuku scratches her neck, gently hissing under her breath as her nails pass over a spot more affected by the rope burn - it hurt, it hurt, it hurt.
She clicked her tongue in her mouth quietly.
"Can I have my own clothes back?"
Her voice was rough, a bit scratchy. Maybe overuse from speaking to the nurses during the check-in process, or maybe from underuse. After all the time she spent alone in her house, the house that no longer felt like home, because home was the sound of her little sibling's bass late at night, the smell of salisbury steak and a head of grey-blue hair. For a while, her house was not her home.
Maybe her voice was a side effect of the rope. She didn't care to do her research. She didn't have the mental energy to work a phone at that point.
"Not for the first few days. I'm unsure of when they'll let you get them back specifically."
"…Ok."
Ken leads her back out of her room, closing the door behind him. "You won't be allowed in your rooms during the day here, but there's a bathroom in the hallway if you need it. If you really need to get something, go get one if the MHTs. They'll open the door and let you in."
She hums in response.
"You'll be in the common room for most of your time here. That's where group therapy is held, along with rec and music therapy. You'll get your hygiene items when it's time to wash up. The dining hall is over there" He points to a locked set of double doors. "You'll be allowed in three times a day for meals. If you get hungry, we have snacks, juice and water in the common room."
She nods, stomach twisting uncomfortably at the mention of food. She hates it.
"You'll get your meds at the med window. I normally do meds, but since I'm day shift, Taiga will be doing your evening meds since you missed the morning ones. We'll need your parents permission, of course, and the doctor has to prescribe you something first, but it's there for when you need anything like melatonin or if the water pitcher gets low."
Her parents would sign off anything if it meant they could go back to not paying attention to her. She just nods again.
"That's about it for the tour. You get the MHTs for anything you need, and they'll alert me if it's something they need me for. I hope your stay with us is enjoyable, Ms. Hinomori."
She smiles at him, faint and barely there, as he leaves back to the reception area from which he came. She was back in the entrance of the common room, and she thinks she may be ready to learn to be human again.