Chapter Text
*Matsu, thank you!* Misa looked over the magazine cover with her photo on it in delight. The shot had turned out so well that she rose on her toes and unexpectedly hugged the officer.
Matsuda, his hands stiff, gave her a light hug in return, raising his fingers and touching her back only with his palms.
*Ha… It was nothing. You really look amazing, Misa. Light tones really suit you.* He pulled back, embarrassed.
Misa immediately forgot about him, rereading her name at the top of the shimmering cover again and again.
*Actress. Singer. Model. Her talent cannot be confined to a single genre. Misa Amane is versatility.*
She slowly traced her finger over her own photo.
*Actress…* she whispered. *Model…* Her eyes gleamed as if she might cry from happiness. *…Singer… That's all me.*
Matsuda was glad to see such emotion on her face. She evoked nothing but sincere, kind feelings in him. When he first saw Misa, he'd nearly lost his voice — he was so struck by her bright, albeit flashy, yet so effortless, childlike beauty. She knew she was beautiful and didn't try to be modest. But Matsuda admired something else.
Without having studied Misa's personal file, the officer would never have guessed that beneath the surface, she hid deep wounds and the pain of loss.
Once, the girl's photos had been accompanied by very different headlines.
*Unspeakable Cruelty: Brutal Murder in Tokyo.*
*On the morning of August 12th, the owner of a law firm and his wife were brutally murdered in the Shibuya district. Their 8-year-old daughter discovered the bodies upon returning from school. The perpetrator has been apprehended.*
*Tragedy in the Amane Household.*
*Child psychologists believe that 8-year-old Misa Amane requires specialized treatment to regain her speech. Shock therapy has proven ineffective — the child, who witnessed her parents' murder, cannot utter a single word.*
*Suspect in Murder Case Released Early* — the final entry in the case file.
Matsuda had shared his indignation with Soichiro, who only shook his head grimly and replied, *It happens. Much to our regret.*
Matsuda waited until Misa looked up at him again.
*I listened to the soundtrack you did for the drama with Ryuga Hideki. You have a wonderful voice, Misa.*
*Ah, that drama…* She rolled her eyes dreamily and flopped onto the couch, hugging the magazine. *I hope Ryuzaki lets Light and me go soon so I can finally start filming.*
Matsuda carefully sat on the armrest.
*I asked Ryuzaki for permission to accompany you on set, in case Light can't make it.* He smiled nervously. That morning, he had indeed been pleading with L to let Misa take the chance to play the lead role. The detective had said he'd think about it.
*What do you mean "can't make it"?!* The girl sat up abruptly, frowning.
*Well… I mean… They're busy with the Kira investigation right now… I mean, we are…* The officer shifted uncomfortably.
He felt awkward reminding Misa of her and Light's situation. Not that he shared Ryuzaki's suspicions… But yesterday the detective had made it clear he still suspected them as much as before, despite the possibility of a third Kira existing.
*By the way, you said Ryuzaki decided to send that crazy guy to spy on Kira?* The girl perked up. *That's good! I was so worried he might make my Light do something dangerous… or you.*
*Th-thanks for worrying…* Matsuda smiled. *Yeah… We were a bit surprised, the chief argued with him at first…* He watched as Misa slowly unwrapped the straw for her milkshake. *But eventually even he agreed. After all, Kira couldn't kill this Beyond guy back then, you know?*
*Maybe he is Kira?* The girl exclaimed in fright. *Matsu, help me!* With an expression of genuine fear, she handed him the long pink straw.
He carefully removed the plastic wrap.
*I don't think so… Besides, Ryuzaki said he's not dangerous. At least under his supervision…*
*I don't like Ryuzaki,* Misa said curtly. She made a face, sipping her strawberry milkshake which had already warmed to room temperature. *What did Light say?* Her eyes lit up with interest again.
*Light… Well, he… didn't really say anything. I think they'll discuss it alone.*
The girl's lips suddenly froze, the straw clamped between her white teeth.
Matsuda noticed the change in her expression.
He wondered if it was even appropriate to share such details with a suspect… *But she is Light's girlfriend, right? He probably tells her everything himself…*
*I think they had a fight,* he added, just to fill the silence.
*But they didn't get in another fight, did they, Matsuda?! Don't lie to me!*
Suddenly, the strange scene in the kitchen flashed before the officer's eyes again. Did they fight? Who knows… But something was definitely… going on between them.
*Of course not! I think Light is just stressed about the investigation. Don't worry about him, Misa.* He glanced at his watch and stood, adjusting his trousers. *Well, I need to get back to headquarters.*
*Wait.* Misa grabbed the edge of his jacket. *Matsuda, tell me… Does Ryuzaki…* Her voice dropped. *…act weird with Light?*
*Ha-ah…* The officer froze in confusion. *What do you mean?*
*Well, you know… When I was visiting Light at the university… they arrested me, remember?* She asked so casually that Matsuda couldn't help but be amazed at her psyche's ability to process traumatic events.
The girl had endured severe interrogation by the detective after her arrest.
*So… Someone grabbed my phone then…* She bit her lip and turned towards the window. *Right out of my back pocket.*
Her tone was different now, unlike her usual playful high-pitched voice.
*And… oh. I see.* Matsuda felt completely unprepared to comment. Surely L wouldn't actually… do something like that.
He took a moment to find his words.
*Misa, do you… think Ryuzaki would… touch someone in a public place?* He felt himself starting to sweat. What he'd seen was stuck in his head and now seemed even stranger.
Misa turned back to him and suddenly giggled.
*Yeah, that does sound pretty silly!* She shrugged. *There were so many people there… I probably imagined it.* She smiled again. *Do you want to finish my shake? It's just full of artificial coloring, Misa would get ugly teeth!*
Matsuda awkwardly took the crumpled cup from her hands.
*Hey… There's a pool here!* He wanted to say something… anything. *Right in the headquarters.*
*And I'm only just finding out about this now?!*
Misa's voice was back to being bright and pleasant.
Meant only to bring pleasure to others' ears.
*Promise you'll convince that pervert Ryuzaki to let Light and me have a date there?*
*Yeah… I'll try.* The officer smiled stiffly.
*Thank you, thank you, thank you!* Misa spun around three times. *Well, you said you had to go! And I'm going to go rehearse my lines!* She jumped up and, clutching the magazine, walked toward the door.
Matsuda slowly got up and followed her, but just as he was about to step into the corridor, he stopped.
*You know, Misa…* He looked somewhere down at his feet. *Sometimes, when someone is arrested but they can't find any evidence for a long time, guilt is only assigned based on their own confession. So an innocent person should never incriminate themselves… Even under pressure.*
He forced another smile and quickly left.
---
*I probably just imagined it,* she repeated once the door closed.
The girl had had to say this phrase too often in her short career.
*But if I imagine someone touching Light too… Misa will be very angry.*
---
**The Day Before**
After a long discussion about the plan to surveil Yotsuba at the restaurant, El asked Beyond to leave, and the workday continued as usual.
The detective liked how the presence of the new character unnerved Light, but everything in moderation.
El had studied the top student's behavior when he was happy, defenseless, and angry. He found the latter especially breathtaking. But none of these states had yielded the main prize — a voluntary confession. For his next move, El chose provocation. Kira had already shown, by killing Lind L. Tailor, that he was easily hooked by that. All that remained was to make the surveillance on Yagami Light a little less… obvious.
Light pretended to read a magazine while El put on a show of working at his computer. He could feel the occasional burning glances of those brown eyes on his back, and when he briefly put a dark image on his monitor, he saw he wasn't mistaken. Light was reflected in it, his full indignation showing in his glare.
El rested his chin on his hand, pressing his index finger to his lips.
*Maybe Kira wants to frame this Namikawa guy…* he said softly, feigning thoughtfulness.
Light showed no interest, turning the page.
*Maybe the real Kira was actually killed…*
Light seemed not to hear him.
*Or maybe Kira… is in love with me and is trying to get my attention with this new strategy…*
*What are you muttering to yourself, Ryuzaki?* Light sighed.
A slight smile touched the detective's lips.
*Light-kun eavesdrops on my conversations.*
*Your conversations? Ryuzaki, when someone talks out loud in a room with another person, you don't have to try hard to eavesdrop.* The magazine lowered onto his lap. *Besides, I thought you were talking to me since there's no one else here.*
*I was talking to myself. Thinking… Dreaming.* El leaned his head back mysteriously and closed his eyes.
He noted with satisfaction that his playful mood invariably attracted Light's attention quickly.
*I can only imagine how bored you'll be when we catch Kira. Nothing to dream about before bed.* Light chuckled.
*You can't,* El thought with melancholy.
He still sat with his head thrown back, eyes closed.
Suddenly, a hand descended weightlessly onto his shoulder. The detective's eyes flew open, meeting the sharp line of Light's chin and neck. El immediately lowered his head back down, looking ahead.
*I didn't mean to startle you, Ryuzaki. What are you working on?* Light stood behind him, looking at the monitor.
El noticed that the angry edge that had been in his voice all day was gone.
*Nothing interesting,* the detective replied, on alert.
He tried to guess Light's intentions by the pressure of his fingers on his shoulder. During the day, El had expected Light to grab him by the collar any moment and drive his forehead into the detective's nose in front of the whole team. By all logic, something like a warning should have been evident in Light's behavior when they were alone.
But El found nothing like that in his light touch. It felt more… explorative? Light subtly moved his little finger where El's shirt collar ended, brushing against his exposed collarbone.
And suddenly El wanted to touch Light's hand with his cheek.
Then it would be just like in his fantasy.
A stolen moment of love between Misora and her fiancé at the threshold of Erald Coil, who never removed his fencing mask. Ray had simply hugged her when he came to pick her up from work. El himself didn't know why he watched them through the camera then. He was just curious… Just curious.
Misora lifted her head and looked at Raye Penber with joy-filled eyes. He placed his hand on her powdered (and, surely, very pleasant to the touch) cheek, and she just pressed closer into his palm, closing her eyes. As if she knew that in his embrace she was in the safest place in the world.
El rewound again and again when he reviewed that recording weeks and months later.
A hand gently stroking a cheek. A smile. Trust. Safety. He had none of this and could never have it.
And yet, Light was here now.
El tilted his head slightly to the side. Almost imperceptibly.
The warmth left his shoulder. El wanted to mentally thank Light for walking away, sending El's foolish thoughts back into his head where they belonged.
But Light only lifted his hand to brush the back of it along El's cheekbone.
El exhaled through slightly parted lips but didn't pull away from the touch.
Light slowly ran his knuckles over El's flushed face, down to his neck, and back up.
El was ready to dissolve into this feeling.
*Light… kun…* He finally opened his eyes, but the drawn blinds kept him from seeing Light's reflection.
The dark monitor showed El only his own face — half-lowered eyelids, the back of his head pressing trustingly against someone else's chest.
*What are you doing?* The whisper came out uncertain, as if he and the reflection belonged not to the detective L.
Light realized what was happening a moment later. The genuine surprise in the detective's voice burned him inside. His skin seemed electrified, a charge running down his spine, sending goosebumps over his body.
*And you?* Light breathed out.
*I… I don't understand you…* El wasn't lying. He didn't understand himself either.
*I don't want to fight with you, Ryuzaki…* Light's whole palm settled on his cheek, and he trembled at how real this felt. That pale, thin skin provoked so many emotions alien to him.
*Were we fighting?* The words came to El with more difficulty, though there were so few.
*That's how it seemed to me today…* Light answered hesitantly.
El could only clearly recognize one thing — his mind was clouded by some unknown manipulation. It was one thing to imagine indecent scenarios in the shower, satisfying his ego, and quite another to be overcome by only one desire… to get closer.
El pressed harder against the warm hand, surrendering to the magic that tangled his thoughts.
*That was today…* He didn't understand what he was saying. Language and eloquence had lost their connection.
Light froze, unsure what to do next. He'd only meant to approach the detective, to see what he was typing… To make sure everything was okay. Not daring to do what had been consuming him for days, Light listened to the loud beat of his own heart.
El dispelled his doubts. He tilted his chin slightly, freeing himself from Light's trembling fingers, and gently kissed first one, then another. Closing his eyes, he began to cover Light's palm and wrist with soft kisses.
Light drew a heavy, disbelieving breath. He spun the detective's chair toward him, closed his eyes, and awkwardly leaned toward his face.
This almost brought El to his senses. He lifted his head, meaning to stop, to prevent a crime against his own, hard-earned, honest name. But the movement only allowed Light's lips to land immediately on his neck, burying everything El had ever thought himself to be.
The majestic black letter L slowly dissolved, turning its dazzling white background into emptiness.
It couldn't even be excused by hormones, as both were educated enough to know that such a connection was completely unnatural.
*No,* El thought. *This is right,* he convinced himself as Light's wet tongue traced lower and lower, touching so many unexpectedly sensitive places. *Everything I want… is right…* Somewhere deep inside, he realized this logic belonged more to an eighteen-year-old Light.
El grabbed his chin, regaining the illusion of control, and looked into his hazy eyes.
*See, Light…* he breathed against hot lips. *We're not fighting at all…*
He had never done this before and vaguely suspected now wasn't the time either, but he still caught Light's lower lip between his own.
Light buried his fingers in the hair at the back of El's head and answered the kiss with heat.
El was afraid that Kira had finally gotten to him because a healthy heart couldn't beat this fast.
He finally allowed himself to know what Light's shoulders and ribs had felt like all this time. El never pounced on truly worthy dishes like a savage or a beggar. Carefully building his sugar towers, the detective planned each move. Picking up a glazed strawberry with his fingernail, he calculated probabilities and anticipated victory. But the amazing sounds (which El knew were just waves emanating from Light's throat and resonating with the air) escaping every time their lips parted for a breath… All this was even better than sweet soda after poker.
Light sank to his knees, and El followed him, sliding to the floor. Light reveled in the unintended roughness and greed with which he was pulled closer by the hair clenched in El's fist. Something inside him craved this treatment — punishment mixed with worship on the edge of madness.
El had learned to recognize the true desires of this proper, perfect Laito, clinging to his brilliant role. He'd dreamed too long of tearing off that cursed mask, and now he was doing it with permission. He only pretended to be careless, knowing he could guess what all those touches and loud exhales begged for.
Light, pressing into him with everything he could, tried with his actions to erase the cruel fantasies that plagued his mind during the day. He didn't want to hurt Ryuzaki. Didn't want to strangle him with the chain. Though the detective couldn't know what Light was thinking, Light still, as if apologizing for violence not yet committed, gently stroked his back.
El moved from Light's lips to his ear, catching his earlobe between his teeth, and Light let out a soft moan. The detective couldn't believe that the loss of control for the one he'd devised so many elaborate traps for could be achieved so simply. He continued, moving from one exposed patch of skin to another, beginning to understand why so many crimes were committed on sexual grounds.
Suddenly, El felt another hand approaching the obvious evidence of his unconditional defeat, and realized with horror that he wouldn't be able to stop it if he didn't act now.
*Just one more second, just one, and I can stop.*
With this thought, El continued his investigation inside Light's mouth, using his tongue instead of cameras and useless evidence.
They had seen each other undressed hundreds of times, and it hadn't been awkward, so Light excused his actions by reminding himself they were just sitting on the floor, still dressed. He had never been so unpredictable — five minutes ago he'd been standing behind Ryuzaki, wanting to use even an imitation of their friendship to break the wall between them, and now his fingers were struggling with the zipper of the other's shapeless pants.
*It was inevitable,* Light thought. *You asked me how people do this, you accused me of attraction endlessly, you said… all those embarrassing things. You provoked me, Ryuzaki.* Light tried to convince himself he was just returning the detective's own suspicions.
He wanted to return to these thoughts later, and his hands almost brought to reality the very boundary violation he hadn't known he desired, but the ragged breathing was interrupted.
*Light…*
The voice seemed far away.
*Light-kun.*
El's hand tightened around Light's wrist, finally stopping them from doing anything that definitely wasn't within the bounds of detective-suspect ethics. Light came to his senses and opened his eyes. His face was buried somewhere between Ryuzaki's shoulder and neck, and the other still held him.
---
Stillness and silence for several seconds forced them both to realize what had happened.
Usually, El loved catching Light in moments like these, adding his own biting comment to any outrage. Now was a perfect opportunity, and to his shame, El considered whether he should take it.
But he concluded they were both just people. Not everything had to be a game, though he wished it could be.
He didn't want to talk to Light the rival sitting across the chessboard. Light the Kira, who'd been fooling him. Light the riddle, who'd ignited an incredible interest in him.
El wanted his words to reach Light. Light Yagami. Who was afraid of the dentist, wanted to impress his father, got angry at Matsuda, sang in the car… Who had cut his clothes in the dark, just to relieve him. Covered him. Light, whose tears fell into his palm when he dreamed of irrevocably recognizing Kira in himself.
*Light, I… didn't want us to do something… that would make you hate yourself.*
Light pulled away sharply and, avoiding eye contact, began fixing his hair.
*What are you talking about?* His voice was sharp, defensive.
El's hand rested over Light's, and even though he'd turned away, he didn't remove it from the detective's knee.
*I… wish I knew what I'm talking about.* El looked at Light's heaving chest, lost. *When I called you…* He tried to say as little as possible that might hurt Light. *When you hit me, by the coffee machine… I thought you weren't exactly okay with these things.*
Light tried to turn away more.
This was the worst conversation they'd ever had.
*Light, I don't want to hurt you… that way.*
Light scoffed.
He turned sharply, fixing his gaze on El.
*So if we go back to discussing my execution, that's fine? That doesn't bother you, L? Only now something seems wrong to you?*
*Ry—*
*I don't care what you call yourself.* Light's hand left its place, severing the last connection between them.
Light stood and went to the closed window, turning away again.
*You never considered me your friend.*
El moved to the bed, not taking his eyes off Light, who was once again trying to hold up his mask.
*Light. Whatever I consider you, I don't consider myself someone who has the right to do something like that. I suspected you, locked you up, handcuffed you. That's what's wrong here, Light. Not this. That.*
*I understand.* Light said flatly. *Sorry, Ryuzaki. I acted recklessly. Probably the confinement and the stress finally got to me. Let's forget it.*
*Light.* El wanted to say at least one honest thing.
Light turned to him.
He waited silently.
*I don't want one of us to kill the other. I don't want that… I'm scared.* He lowered his head, looking at his hands.
These fingers had typed the word *guilty* too many times, enough to end someone's life. But it could just as easily have gone the other way. L wasn't afraid of being defeated. El was afraid of being killed. Or being forced to shoot first to save himself.
*I never tried to kill you… As you can see.* Light spat out. *Be afraid of yourself.*
With those words, he disappeared into the bathroom as usual, leaving El alone with the empty room and his own professional incompetence.