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"Keeping you in check, keeping you obsessed, play me on repeat, 끝없이 in your head. Anytime it hurts, play another verse. I can be your sanctuary. Know I'm the only one right now. I will love you more when it all burns down. More than power, more than gold, yeah, you gave me your heart, now I'm herе for your soul! I'm the only one who'll love your sins, feel the way my voice gets underneath your skin...listen 'cause I'm—"
"Uh, Zoey?"
"What?" Zoey stopped singing, then abruptly realized what she was doing and flinched. "Oh crap! I'm sorry, Mira!" Mira was glaring at her. Well, Mira was always glaring at everything, but Zoey was pretty sure she'd be glaring specifically at her for this. She had just been in her room writing. Not those lyrics, not even other lyrics. Just random stuff and doodles that came into her head while she was shrimped up in front of her desk. But now Mira was at the door and almost definitely doing a thing with her eyes that was glaring at her.
"You don't have to be sorry." Mira's voice got softer, and she walked in and rubbed Zoey's back. Zoey let herself relax against her touch and let herself trust Mira that she meant what she said. She always meant what she said.
"There's no 'we,' Zoey."
...always?
"I was just worried about you." Speaking of worrying about her, Mira grabbed Zoey's shoulders and forced her to unshrimp, then put a glass of water on her desk. God, what would Zoey do without her?
Literally lose all hope and die.
After an uncomfortable moment (made just a little more comfortable by Mira rubbing her shoulders from behind), Mira sighed. "We don't know what the new gay Honmoon's deal is," Zoey snorted and giggled despite herself, and she heard Mira chuckle quietly too. "But we're pretty sure it's not the 'block everything' thing that the gold one was supposed to do. I was just..."
Her voice trailed off, but for once, Zoey felt pretty confident filling in the blanks. "You were worried I was being possessed by Gwi-Ma?"
"Not, like, totally, but yeah." Mira admitted it with almost a sigh. "Sorry. I don't want to be all paranoid at you."
"No, I get it." Having Mira's attention on her usually felt nice. "Anyway, I don't think that I am. I think I just actually had it stuck in my head."
"Yeah, I can see that happening. They were weirdly good at writing songs and performing." Mira sat down on Zoey's bed. She knew that Zoey didn't like someone hovering over her while she was writing, not even Mira or Rumi. It wasn't that she didn't trust them, but her body just automatically tried to protect her book from being stolen or from someone reading something and making fun of her. It made her anxious.
Having Mira in here at all with her made her anxious.
What was wrong with her? Ever since the idol awards, Zoey had been violently swinging back and forth between locking herself in her room (dammit, she forgot to lock it this time, that explained it) and clinging desperately to Mira and Rumi. Why couldn't she just be a normal person about it? About them? Why couldn't she just love them like however an actual human loves people? And why didn't she know how to do that? Was there a secret class that everyone took about it? Maybe it was at the same time as the secret class that taught everyone how to adult correctly. Mira and Rumi were so good at it. What would she do without them?
Just die. Just give up and die. That was what she would do. She had proof of that.
"Zoey?"
Zoey sobbed and realized that she was crying. She slammed the book shut so she wouldn't get any more tears or snot on the pages and wiped her face aggressively on her sleeve before turning to face Mira with a smile. "Sorry, I'm okay!" Mira's face didn't even have a chance to change before Zoey felt humiliated. "Okay, no, I'm not okay, but I don't wanna talk about it right now."
Mira hummed quietly. Was she frustrated? She must have been. Lying and not talking about feelings was what made her so mad at Rumi. And if that was the case, she must have been mad at Zoey all the time. Zoey was always acting like things were okay when they weren't. But if she didn't do that, then she'd just be constantly freaking out and crying like when she was a kid. "I understand." Did she? Zoey was even less sure how Mira's face looked right now because the tears made her eyes all blurry. "Do you want me to leave you alone?" No. Except yes. Except no. Except...Zoey nodded. Mira nodded back and got up off the bed. "Okay. Text me if you need anything."
She started walking and was almost out of the door when Zoey yelled out. "Wait!" Mira turned, and Zoey berated herself for shouting so loud. And she didn't even know what she wanted to say or why she had yelled it. "Mira, I..." Mira waited for a second or a billion years or however long it took Zoey to keep talking. How the fuck was she so patient with her? And Zoey still had no idea what to say! Why was this the one time her brain couldn't come up with anything? Even something stupid would be better than this. "Could you leave your shirt with me?"
Okay, never mind, something stupid wasn't better. What the actual fuck? Who asks for that? What was she, a dog? Was she insane? Was she just a fucking creep who wanted to fuck Mira every day all the time and also still thought about Mystery even though he was a literal demon that she literally stabbed back to hell and she was still so horny all the time even when she was sad and crying and that was so weird and—
"Yeah, sure." Mira took off her shirt. She was wearing a sports bra underneath. An old one. One she'd had since before she turned twenty. She still looked hot in it. Of course she did. Duh. She literally gave Zoey the shirt off her back, tossing it to her. Zoey caught it and pulled it into her body while it was still warm. What the fuck. "Want me to lock the door on the way out?" Zoey nodded. She couldn't smell Mira on the shirt because her nose was so gucked up with cry snot. And she couldn't even make her throat open so her mouth would say thank you. She heard the lock click, then Mira closed the door behind her and disappeared, and Zoey let out a wail and just started sobbing and blowing her nose right into the shirt. Into Mira's nice, probably expensive shirt.
What the fuck was wrong with her? She loved Mira, right? She was in love with Mira, right? And Mira had proved that she loved her too. And that she was in love with her. Once she'd said it, everything she did couldn't stop saying it, even if it didn't come out of her mouth very often. And she'd apologized. She'd apologized again and again. And she'd said that she would never let her go. She'd screamed like it meant everything in the universe to her. She'd felt so bad about it that she completely fell apart. What else could she possibly do?
"There's no 'we,' Zoey."
Zoey cried. She kept crying and crying, but at least she moved to the bed so she could blow her nose on tissues instead of Mira's shirt. And she was glad she did, because eventually her nose cleared, and thank god, Mira's shirt still smelled like Mira and not like gross Zoey face goo. It smelled just like Mira. And her abs looked so good when she could see them, but that was a sign of how little Mira's body made of the fat it was supposed to, and also that she was probably dehydrated and not drinking right even though she brought water that Zoey had just left on the table, so it was probably room temperature right now, and she'd pour it down the drain since she was wasteful and couldn't just put it in the fridge because it had already started tasting warm and like dust, but it was still so fucking hot that Mira had abs like that, like Abby Saja, and Miromabby had been such a cute ship and they would be so hot together and fuck, Zoey's hips were suddenly rocking against the bed, and in barely a few minutes, Zoey was sobbing into her pillow after getting off, hurricane in her head spinning even faster, and just desperately wondering what the fuck was wrong with her.
Zoey had no idea how long she kept crying. Time was always a blob to her. But her throat hurt and she felt thirsty. Except the water was still warm. Probably. However long it took water to get warm. So she cleaned Mira's shirt off as best she could before throwing it in her laundry hamper (but maybe it needed some kind of special washing instead of just machine washing? Fuck, she didn't have the energy to check right now even though it was literally just getting it and looking at the tag), wiped her face as clean as she could too, then grabbed the glass of water and left her room.
After leaving the glass outside of Mira's door like an offering to the gods in hopes that she could drink it instead, Zoey stumbled her way to the kitchen, grabbed a new glass, and filled it with cold tap water. She didn't even need filtered water. But she needed it to be cold and not have been outside in a glass for more than, like, a minute or two. It didn't make any sense. She didn't make any sense.
For some reason, a tiny laugh fell out of Zoey's mouth. And this time, she knew what she was doing when she started rapping. She had no idea why she was doing it, but it was something she consciously chose. "Uhn, 빛이나는 fame, 계속 외쳐, I'm your idol. Thank you for the pain, 'cause it got me going viral. Uh, yeah, 낫지 않는 fever, makin' you a believer. 나를 위해 넌 존재하는 idol! Living in your mind now. Too late 'cause you're mine now. I will make you free when you're all part of me! Listen 'cause I'm preaching to the choir. Now can I get the mic a little higher? Gimme your desire! Watch me set your world on fire! 내 황홀의 취해, you can't look away! No one is coming to save you! Now we runnin' wild. You're down on your knees, I'ma be your idol!"
Zoey exhaled softly at the end of the song. This time, Rumi's beautiful voice didn't interrupt it. But why would she expect it to? There was no reason it should have. It wasn't like Zoey hadn't also pointed her shin-kal at her. It wasn't like she hadn't also given up on life and the world and been ready to let Gwi-Ma destroy literally everything. Her four parents. All her step siblings. Aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins. Old friends from school (as much as she could call them friends, anyway). Celine...after all, she didn't know to be pissed at her back then.
And Mira and Rumi.
She gave up on them. After one little mistake. Well, okay, not little. And not really one. Two big mistakes from Mira. And years and years of a big mistake from Rumi. But really understandable ones. She got it. She didn't blame them. She didn't even want to.
So why was she still so angry?
Zoey drank another glass of cold tap water, chucked the cup back into the sink, then stomped over to the couch and threw herself down on it, grabbing one of her notebooks from nearby and pulling out her pen. "Something was—something was missing there." She was only semi-conscious of it between all her other thoughts, but something about Your Idol was bugging her. You know, besides it being an evil song that nearly brought about the end of the world or whatever. It had worked in the context of the performance they were putting on, but something wasn't right about it without that. "What if we gave the first chorus some breathing room?"
Zoey muttered under her breath, singing and rapping what she'd heard over and over, doing her best to mimic the voices of the Sajas that had actually been performing each part. She went through a few really weird ideas ("Why am I trying to write a whole-ass intro in Latin? I don't know Latin!") before she started understanding what the problem was. "So Baby's part was kind of like a verse, right? We aren't just chucking a random rapper in there for no reason." After a moment, a weak laugh pushed out of her. "I hope we aren't, anyway. But it's too short. It doesn't justify another chorus, so we need—we need more of a thing. So what if Mystery—" A much stronger, more bitter laugh was forced out of her throat. "Zoey, can you not be horny and desperate for, like, two seconds? Fuck. Okay, but Romance's part was really important for the first verse, so he should probably be in here too, right?"
Zoey didn't have a clue how long she was working at this. Probably too long. Time didn't get any less blobby in however many minutes or hours it'd been since she was crying in her room. She mucked her way through quite a few different attempts at finishing the second verse before she found something she liked. "Okay, give the chorus a little space, dah-dah-dah, Uhn, 빛이나는 fame, 계속 외쳐, I'm your idol. Thank you for the pain, 'cause it got me going viral. Uh, yeah, 낫지 않는 fever, makin' you a believer. 나를 위해 넌 존재하는 idol!" She switched from mimicking Baby's voice to Mystery's, then Romance's. "Don't let it show, keep it all inside. The pain and the shame, keep it outta sight. Your obsession feeds our connection. 이 순간 give me all your attention. You know I'm the only one who'll love your sins. Feel the way my voice gets underneath your skin! Aaaand into the evil-ass chorus! Then another break, evil bridge, then one more evil chorus and outro! There!" She threw her book and pen down to the ground with a loud smack. "Hah! Get Zoeyed, idiot!" After staring at her notebook and the pen for a second, Zoey blinked, then shook her head and let out a shout. "UGH! Why did I just spend a bunch of time doing that?!"
"Because you're incredible." Zoey yelped and leaped up onto the back of the couch, arching her back like a cat before she realized she was staring at a very startled looking Rumi. "Uh, sorry! I didn't mean to scare you, Zoey."
Zoey sighed and flopped down over the couch's back even more like a cat. She wondered how cats did this, because honestly, it was really uncomfortable. "No it's okay. I was just really in the zone. When did you even get here?"
Rumi's eyes narrowed. "Um, I've been sitting on the couch the whole time? I was here before you were."
"Seriously?" Rumi nodded, and Zoey groaned and rolled off the couch's back, landing sprawled out awkwardly on the cushions. Everything about her was awkward. "Sorry. I didn't even see you."
"It's okay." Rumi reached out towards her and pulled back. Zoey understood. She wouldn't touch herself either. Except she would, but that was a whole other problem. "I didn't realize you hadn't noticed, but it makes sense. Like you said, you were really in the zone."
"I don't know why. 'Hey, here's a song that almost ended the world! I've got some edits in mind.'"
Rumi laughed, and hearing her laugh made a little bit of joy bubble up inside Zoey. "Hey, Zoey?" She looked at Rumi and saw her smiling. That was good.
Probably.
Maybe.
What did she know?
"Can I hug you?"
Zoey blinked, a little surprised it was Rumi who said that instead of her. "You don't have to ask, Rumi."
"Really?"
Zoey nodded, squirming to sit up and fixing the cushions she'd disrupted. "I always like being touched by you." Wow, that sounded wrong when she said it out loud. Great job, Zoey, you freak.
"Even with..."
Rumi trailed off, and Zoey tilted her head at her as she gestured toward herself. "I have no idea what that thing you just did with your hands means."
A small, uncomfortable laugh came out of Rumi, and she scratched the back of her head. "I mean, even with...you know, my patterns?"
Zoey blinked. "Uh, yeah? Duh? Why would that change anything about—" She remembered raising her knives at her. Zoey groaned and smacked her forehead. "Fuck, I'm so stupid, of course you'd think—" She and her brain both shut up for a second when Rumi pulled her over and into her arms. After a moment, a shuddery little breath came out of Zoey, and she let herself relax into Rumi's grip. "You're really soft and warm and you smell good and stuff." What she said registered a second later, and she groaned again. "Sorry. That was weird, I'm so weird."
"I love that about you." Rumi said it so gently, and when Zoey's head whipped up to look at her face, she could see Rumi looking surprised and blushing. When she noticed Zoey looking, though, she smiled and let out an awkward little chuckle. "Yeah. I love that you're weird. That's something special about you."
Zoey pouted against her chest. "Special doesn't mean good."
Rumi had rested her head on top of Zoey's, so Zoey felt her lips move when she frowned. "It does when I say it right now."
Zoey sighed and let herself understand Rumi meant that. Let herself trust Rumi.
Was that stupid of her? That seemed kind of stupid of her. When she took Rumi and Mira to Dr. Han, she was pretty sure that neither of them were taking him seriously. And sure, maybe the idea that his tonics could fix broken relationships was a little nuts, but fuck, there were literal demons and magical music swords in the world! Why wouldn't a weird, happy love tonic exist?
...maybe she just wanted it to.
She remembered a conversation with Mira early in their relationship.
"But I want you to go out with whoever you like!"
"No, I get that now, Zoey. I do. But it just..." Mira had sighed. "It just seems unfair. Because I can't say the same for you."
"I don't mind if it's unfair!" Zoey had thought she meant that at the time. Maybe she did really mean it. But thinking back now, it probably would have started bugging her sooner or later, and she would have let that bugging build up for as long as it took Mira to notice it. Which wouldn't be long, but then she'd be a big pain in the ass and make Mira have to bring it up, and it'd turn into a whole thing and fuck. It was kind of frustrating that Mira seemed to get Zoey better than Zoey got herself. "And I more than don't mind the idea of you doing that! I like it!"
"I know you do. And maybe if it's, like, a person-by-person thing where we both vet each other's dates and lays, I can work with that." That would take a lot of time, though, they both knew. And time was something they never really had enough of. "But I can't just be okay with it being whoever. Not the way you are with me."
"Why not?"
Mira had pursed her lips with frustration. It was rare for her to not just spit it out, and when she spoke next, she was mumbling. "It makes me feel like a controlling, negging asshole to say it." Zoey hadn't had a clue how to react to that. She didn't end up having to, because Mira continued. She looked ashamed of herself while she did, though. "Because I'm scared you'll get hurt. There are a lot of bad people out there. People with agendas. People who want you for shitty reasons. Who'll treat you in shitty ways. I'm afraid that one of them will hurt you." That had left Zoey with even less idea of how to react. Something in her was definitely unhappy about it. Felt infantilized. Felt distrusted. She could take care of herself, couldn't she? I mean, she was a literal demon hunter, of course she could.
But that didn't mean that she understood people. Or that she could read them like Mira could. She absolutely couldn't do that. So maybe Mira was right. Maybe she was just too stupid to go out on her own like that.
"But I'm also scared that they'll take you away from me."
Mira had admitted that quickly, spitting it in a single breath with her eyes tightly closed. "Mira, nobody could take me away from you!" Zoey said, grabbing her hand. "I love you! I love you, and I'm gonna be with you forever!"
"Don't say that!" Mira had said it surprisingly sharply and stared down hard at Zoey. But after a second, she'd deflated. "Don't say that. I don't want to make you feel trapped with me."
Was that how Mira felt with her? Trapped?
In the years since then, that worry had gotten weaker and weaker with every kiss, every touch, every reassurance. Zoey thought it had been gone. It should have been gone. Especially after that first morning where Mira broke down and literally said she'd never leave her again. But just—
"There's no 'we,' Zoey."
"There's no 'we,' Zoey."
"There is no 'we,' Zoey. There never was. There never will be. You're not my family. You're not even your family's family. You're the reason your family broke. Because you're too much and never enough. There's nowhere you'll ever belong, as long as you live. Nobody. Nowhere. Ever. You'll never be anyone's family. Least of all, mine."
"Maybe I loved you. But I can't love you forever. Who on earth could?"
"You're alone. In the end, that's always it. You'll always be alone. That's all you could ever be, Zoey. Nowhere, with nobody with you. Alone. Forever."
Rumi's arms tightened around her, and Zoey realized that she was crying again. "I don't—" she choked, wanting to wrestle free, but wanting so much more to stay put.
"It's okay, Zoey, it's okay. I'm here."
"Are you?!" Zoey turned to face Rumi, who flinched at her, and she realized that she'd shouted. "Sorry! Sorry sorry sorry sorry—"
Rumi's hand was on Zoey's cheek. She brought her forward and pressed her forehead to hers, closing her eyes. Zoey couldn't close hers. She was just staring. Staring at how beautiful Rumi was with her patterns. How had she hidden these for so long? "Don't be. You're...you're right to be scared. Because I wasn't with you. Not fully."
She gently pushed Zoey back, moving her so that they were both kneeling and facing each other. Rumi's eyes were wet too, and she stared down at her hands resting on her thighs. "I think back to the morning after Mira and I had that fight on the train," Rumi said. "The two of you...you opened yourselves up to me. And when we sang together after the Idol awards, you sang about hiding the colors, and Mira sang about not letting the light meet the jagged edges, but that's not true. Not to me. You showed me who you really were. Even though I know you both hate being vulnerable like that." Tears were falling from Rumi's eyes. "Mira always wants to look strong. You always want to be happy and give people hope. But you said those things anyway. Because you loved me. Because you wanted to trust me. And I had just talked to Jinu and tried to make a plan to win the Idol awards that night. I didn't tell you that. I didn't even think of telling you about my patterns. I always wanted to, but it didn't even come to my mind when we were talking like that, even though you were both showing me everything. All I could imagine was making the Honmoon golden and being free. I didn't even think for a second about being real. About being whole. Not until everything finally broke."
"Rumi," Zoey spoke softly.
She put her hand on Rumi's cheek, rubbing one of her patterns with her thumb. Rumi leaned into her touch instead of flinching away, and Zoey felt like her heart was going to burst. "What I did, Zoey, all of the secrets, all of the lies," Rumi said, "it wasn't okay."
Zoey looked down, though she didn't pull her hand away. "What we did wasn't okay, either."
Rumi's eyes finally opened again, teary and brown and beautiful. "You never acted like it was, though. You never tried to make me think that you did those things for me. I did. I acted like I hid these for you. For us. And I think that I thought I did. But the truth is that I hid them because I wasn't brave enough to trust you. Not like you trusted me. And I wish that I had been." She met Zoey's gaze for the first time in a while. "Because I think that if I had told you that day, before everything went wrong, before you were scared—or better, if I'd told you about it years ago so I could go to the bathhouse with you, and you didn't have to be afraid I might be hurting myself—I think that it would have been okay. I don't think that you would have pulled out your weapons like that."
An icy ball curled up in Zoey's stomach. She didn't think so, either. But she wouldn't have thought that she could ever point her shin-kal at Rumi outside of a spar before it happened. "I'm not sure that's true."
"I think it is," Rumi said. "But my point is that we'll never know. Because I didn't give you that chance, no matter how many times you showed me that you deserved it."
"You were just listening to Celine."
"Well, I shouldn't have been." Zoey blinked. Not that she trusted herself to understand other people's emotions, but Rumi sounded genuinely bitter, and her eyebrows were pulled in. "I'm...I'm mad at her, Zoey."
"Fuck, I'm so mad at her," Zoey muttered, anger burning up through her guts into her chest just thinking about it.
"But I'm also an adult. I'm capable of making my own choices. All that time, I kept on making the wrong one, and doing that almost killed us." Zoey didn't really have anything to say to that. She just rubbed Rumi's cheek and ran her hand over her tightly-pulled hair to scratch at her scalp before pulling away.
For a moment, neither of them spoke. Zoey looked down at her notebook on the ground, then picked it back up and looked at her lyrics. "Um, this is kind of random, but do you think this is weird?" Rumi tilted her head. "I mean, the whole thing's weird, but, like, that I had them say the same thing Celine always says. You know. Don't let it show, keep it all inside. Your faults and fears must never be seen," Even though it didn't rhyme or fit with the syllable count, she forced it into the melody.
Rumi pursed her lips, then shook her head. "No. I don't think it's weird. Because that's ultimately what made it happen, right?" Zoey nodded slowly, and Rumi looked away. "I don't...I don't think Celine is evil or anything. Or that she was trying to hurt us. She was just telling us the things she'd been taught. And with the old Honmoon, it was true. That's why we had to make a new one. For us."
"It is so fucking crazy that we did that."
"Right?" Rumi laughed. A real laugh. And Zoey could feel herself smiling at her. Rumi sighed afterward, though. "But that was never where the two of you got your strength from. You were strong because of your flaws. Because of the things people couldn't understand about you. Those are what make you the people you are. The ones that I..." her face flushed. "The ones that I love so much."
Zoey knew that. Zoey was also freaking the fuck out about that. Zoey put a nail through her brain to keep it from trying to read too much stuff into that. "I love you too, Rumi."
Rumi smiled again, softly. "I know. You make me feel it all the time. You show me that whenever you're vulnerable. So," She swallowed, and with the way she squirmed, even Zoey could tell that she was uncomfortable. "Could I ask for you to show me again right now? Can I ask if you would be vulnerable?"
The look on her face made Zoey's heart squeeze inside of her chest. "Yeah, Rumi. Of course."
"Okay." Rumi took a deep breath before she spoke again. "Why were you so upset when you first came in?"
Fuck, Zoey had almost forgotten about that. Her throat choked up and her eyes immediately felt teary, and she felt so fucking stupid. "I think Mira hates me."
For a moment, Rumi didn't respond, and Zoey braced herself for her awkwardly having to explain that she was correct. "Oh, wow." Zoey opened one eye and looked up, and Rumi was staring at her with an expression that she couldn't read. "Zoey, you are...incredibly wrong about that."
"Bwuh?"
"I-I'm sorry, I'm usually not so blunt, but wow." Rumi shook her head. "Zoey, Mira loves you so much that I worry she's going to explode from it."
"It feels that way!" Zoey's heart had warmed, but she tried to tamp it down. Don't want it too bad. "Yeah. It feels like that to me. But what if I'm wrong?"
Rumi shook her head. "You are so not wrong about that. Why would you think that? Why would you ever think that she hates you? Did you have a fight?"
"No," Zoey growled with frustration, covering her face. "She's sweet and perfect and nice and caring and everything, just like she always is."
"Then what made you think that?"
"She said there was no 'we!'" It came out of her mouth without thinking, and once the dam cracked, words and tears started flooding uncontrollably out of her. "She said there was no 'we' when you were gone and she left me alone! And I know that Gwi-Ma was controlling her and I know she was scared and I know she was missing you and I missed you too, but without you I'm not good enough to keep her alive! And I gave up too the second she left! I'm not good enough without both of you!"
"Zoey," Rumi's voice was thick with emotion as she pulled Zoey into her chest, rubbing her back and holding her. Zoey tried to apologize again and again, but Rumi hushed her. "It's okay. It's okay, Zoey. I'm here."
"But what if you're not again?" Zoey looked up at her. "What if you die?"
Rumi closed her eyes and breathed out slowly. Then she got up and held her hand out. Zoey tilted her head and took it. She didn't want to stop touching Rumi for even a second. "Could you come with me? I think that Mira would want to be here for this."
The idea of it scared Zoey. But she knew Rumi was right. Mira would want to talk about it. So she let her pull her up.
She just hated herself so much for how this would go.
There was thrashing metal music coming from Mira's room. Not a great sign. Zoey wondered if that had already been the case when she walked past before and she just didn't notice. Rumi knocked on the door. "WHAT?" Mira yelled through it. Even though it was probably just volume and not angry yelling, Zoey still flinched.
Rumi rubbed her hand with her thumb, then yelled back through the door. "CAN ZOEY AND I COME IN?"
Barely a split second later, the sound had turned off and the door opened wide. "I mean, I guess if you want to come in you can come in. Whatever," Mira said quickly. For some reason, Rumi stifled a chuckle. She then pulled Zoey into the room and sat down on the bed, and while Mira sat at her desk, Zoey was happy to notice the glass of water she'd left by her door, now empty. She'd also put on a new shirt, which made Zoey remember just what she'd requested earlier and feel really embarrassed about it. "So. You look kinda fucked up," Mira said, glancing at Zoey. Zoey almost laughed a tiny bit and nodded. "Are you okay?"
Zoey nodded, nodded less, nodded even less, frowned, then shook her head. "No. I'm not okay. I'm shitty and stupid and angry and stuff."
"God, that's a mood." Mira sighed, leaning back against her chair. "Do you...wanna talk about it?"
Zoey looked up at Mira. She couldn't read her face.
But she could just ask her, couldn't she?
"Do you want me to talk about it?" Mira looked away, her face getting redder, but after a second, she nodded. "Even if it's stupid and bad?" She nodded again. "...stupid and bad about you?"
Mira's eyes went wide, but then she nodded again, so quickly her glasses were loosened, and she had to adjust them. "Yeah, Zoey. Especially that."
"Mira, do you hate me?"
It came out of Zoey faster and louder than she meant it to. Mira's eyes widened even more when she said it. "No, Zoey, I don't! I'd never—the fuck did I do to make you think I even could?"
"You left me!" Zoey was crying again. She didn't want to. She never wanted to bring this up. Mira already apologized. She already hated herself for it. Even Zoey could see that. So why did it matter? Apparently her mouth didn't care. "You said there was no 'we' and you left me alone!"
"Fuck." Just how small Mira's voice sounded made Zoey hurt. Her head was hurting from losing so much water, too. Everything hurt. "I know, Zo, I know that I said that. And I was a piece of shit when I said that. I—"
"But why wouldn't you say it?" Zoey interrupted her. "Rumi was gone! There wasn't an 'us' without Rumi, and when you were gone there was no me either! It's like I—" she sobbed and whimpered, covering her face. "It's like I don't even exist."
"Zoey, I was so fucking wrong when I said that." The blur of Mira got up and hovered nearby her. After a moment, she felt her hand land on her head, rubbing softly. She wasn't pulling her in for a hug, though. Zoey wished that she would. "I was wrong and stupid and being a self-absorbed prick."
"Then why did you say it?" Zoey wiped at her eyes so she could look up at her. "Did you...did you say it to hurt me? I know that you've said that's a thing people do when they fight."
Mira's brow furrowed, and she looked like she was in pain. "It'd almost be better if I said it just to hurt you." Honestly, no it wouldn't. At least, Zoey didn't think it would. Or, maybe it would. If she said it to hurt her instead of saying it because she was worthless...actually, yeah, that'd be better. "I said it because I'm a piece of shit."
Zoey groaned. "That's not why, Mira! You keep saying that you're bad, but that's not a reason!"
"It's the reason to me!" Mira realized she'd raised her voice and shook her head. "Fuck." She was hurting. Zoey knew Mira didn't lose control of her voice like that unless she was hurting. And of course she was hurting too. Of course she was. She reached up and took Mira's hand, then she pulled her down next to her, holding her hand in the one that Rumi didn't have. "Don't say it's okay," Mira said, cutting off exactly what Zoey had been just about to say. "It isn't okay. What I did isn't okay."
"I—" Zoey's voice choked and she shook her head.
After a second, Rumi spoke up. "I don't care if it's okay or not, Mira, I still want to know why." Zoey gestured at Rumi, nodding rapidly.
A barely-there laugh huffed from Mira, and she shook her head. "Yeah. Okay. I kind of assumed you already knew, though. There's no 'we' because I don't get to have a family."
Zoey pursed her lips for a second, then blinked. "Oh yeah, that's what you said."
Mira tilted her head. "You didn't remember?"
"I didn't know the second part. I'm not sure I knew that I heard it the first time you said it. I did hear it, though. I remember you saying it now that you reminded me." Zoey spent a few seconds glaring down at her freckled thighs, which failed to give her any of the answers she wanted. "Mira, what the fuck does that mean?"
"Uh," Mira stared at her. "Isn't that obvious?"
"No? Like, nobody 'gets' to have a family, that's not how family works. It just kind of is or it isn't. There's no 'get' about it."
Mira exhaled slowly. "That's kinda semantic, but I guess I should have used the word I actually heard in my head. It'd make this make more sense. I just..." A shudder ran through her. "It just hurts to say. It hurts to admit it out loud."
Zoey could feel her eyes widening. Mira almost never complained about pain. Physical, emotional...anything. Not in a serious way. She gripped her hand tighter. "You don't have to say it—"
"I do. If not understanding is hurting you, I do," Mira said. "It's bad enough how much I hurt you already. I can't do it more." She was shaking. Zoey could feel her hand shaking. She glanced at Rumi, who let her other hand go with an understanding nod. Zoey wrapped Mira's hand up in both of hers, but she only shook more. "The word wasn't 'get'. In my head. It isn't. It never is. 'I don't get to have a family.' That's a nice way of putting it. It makes it seem like it's just luck or something. Cowardly." Her breath shuddered into her, and she stared up at the ceiling, Zoey seeing the tears build up in her eyes. "The word is 'deserve'. That's the real word. The truth." It took a second for Zoey to transplant the words, and she gasped when she realized. "'I don't deserve to have a family.' That's why there was no 'we'. Because the world doesn't make sense if someone like me can be loved by someone like you."
"What?" Zoey blinked. "That's not—that's not how that works, Mira, what? Why the fuck wouldn't I love you?"
"I don't know, because I'm a mean piece of shit who looked at our best friend and threatened to stab her when she was freaking the fuck out?" Mira was trying so hard not to cry. Her tremors were harder. Zoey glanced at Rumi and could see she was just as worried about her. "Because I'm sullen and shitty and I get angry about stupid bullshit and constantly hurt people? That's all that I do well. I hurt people." Zoey could feel her jaw go slack, and she shook her head and tried to find words, but Mira continued before she could. "Why do you think I'm always doing things for you? Or making you tell me shit? Forcing out flaws and trying to get you to like me? Because maybe if I make enough good things happen, or give you enough comfort, all the shit that I put you through might be worth it. And maybe I'll change. Even though I've never fucking changed in my life. Even though I've never stopped being the person I am. But maybe I can force enough good out of me that it outweighs the bad and makes me worth loving."
Zoey sat for too long. She was frozen for too long, just staring at Mira, whose tears had finally spilled over despite her best efforts. "Mira," she said, and she just wanted to say her name over and over again. Instead, Zoey shifted onto her knees and wrapped Mira up in her arms, stroking her hair and kissing the top of her head. Mira shook against her with sobs she was still trying to muffle. "Mira, you dope," Zoey murmured into her. "You don't have to earn my love, Mira. You already have it."
"But what if—"
"No, shut up, you have it." Zoey cut Mira off, pulling her closer. "I don't care if you go into a coma or run away to Antarctica or make a deal with Gwi-Ma for extra kimbap and turn into a demon. Even if you turn into a completely different person, I'll miss who you were, but I'll never stop loving you. You can't make me not be your family. No matter what you do. You can't earn my love, because it's already here, Mira. You have it. Forever. You're not getting rid of it." Mira started shaking more against her, sobbing more openly, and Zoey exhaled softly. "I'm here now, Mira. I'm here."
"There's no 'we,' Zoey.
I don't get to have a family."
"There's no 'we' because I don't deserve to have a family."
"There's no 'we' because it makes no sense that you love me."
"There's no 'we' because I need to leave you before you leave me."
Suddenly it made sense. Suddenly she got why Mira had left her. And none of it had anything to do with who she was. It was just like with Rumi. She was afraid.
"You're really scared all the time, aren't you?" Zoey didn't fully understand why she said it, but Mira nodded weakly against her chest. Zoey reached down and pulled her glasses off, handing them to Rumi, who put them away on a bedside table so Zoey could pull Mira closer to herself. "That's okay, Mira. It's okay. You can be scared with me. I love you scared too." She looked over Mira at Rumi, then gestured for her, and Rumi awkwardly scooched over, then moved so that Mira was held between Zoey and her.
Zoey let Mira cry. She let her sob and shake. She listened and smiled when Rumi whispered that she loved her too, through a face flushed pink and with a voice even Zoey could tell wasn't used to being so open.
...for some stupid reason, Zoey started humming Your Idol again. And she could tell Mira noticed because of the confused noise that buzzed up from her chest. Zoey laughed and shook her head. "You're stuck—in my—mind now. Because—you're all—mine now. I won't let you free now that you're a part of meeeeee!" She paused for a second, then shook her head harder. "Nope, still creepy. Stiiiillll creepy. Even creepier, actually."
Mira shook with laughter beneath her, and gently pushed Rumi and Zoey away, but Zoey loved getting to see the smile on her face. "Weirdly, it still makes me happy to hear it? Maybe I'm creepy too."
"That's okay. We can be creepy together." Zoey nudged her, and Mira nudged back.
Zoey was mostly snuggling and leaning against Mira. But after a bit, Mira nudged her again and caught her eye, glancing at Rumi, who was sitting awkwardly outside of them. "Rumi?" Mira said.
"What?" Rumi looked at them, then flushed and looked away. "Oh, no, no, I was just thinking, uh," Zoey glanced up at Mira, and Mira softly shook her head. Despite muffling a small, annoyed groan into her, Zoey nodded. It was really mean of Mira to have convinced Zoey that Rumi liked them both too, and then told her that they weren't going to do anything about it until she was "ready", whatever that meant.
...she had to admit that it was probably for the best that they hadn't started anything before the Idol awards, though.
"I was thinking about that song. How you both heard it." Zoey looked back at Rumi and saw her leaning against her thighs, staring forward, playing with her hands. "And apparently you were conscious enough to memorize it?"
Zoey shrugged. "It was, uh...kinda complicated? I remember everything that happened, though."
"Yeah," Mira nodded.
Rumi nodded back, though it was clear she didn't fully get it. Zoey wondered if maybe Rumi being half demon helped her resist Gwi-Ma's call. Maybe her human half got in the way of his demon stuff, and her demon half got in the way of his human stuff. Her musings were interrupted, though. "But you know that it's wrong, right?"
Zoey could sense Mira blinking above her. "What, like, wrong to sing it?" She could tell she was mildly offended by the idea.
"No, no," Rumi shook her head and made some placating motions with her hands. "No, I mean that...I mean that it's wrong about you. The line before the chorus. 'I'm the only one who'll love your sins.' It reminded me of Jinu." Zoey could feel Mira tense up at the mention of the name, and she rubbed her back. All the emotions Zoey felt when she thought about Jinu sort of caused a twenty-car pileup in her brain where none of them got out enough to be overwhelming. At some point the dam would break on that, but for now it was kind of useful. "He told me he would understand. That he was the only one that could." Mira's grip tightened, and a pulse of anger managed to make its way through the traffic in Zoey's head. "He was right that he would understand, but...I don't know if it was on purpose or if he actually thought that, but he was lying about being the only one who could. That line in the song's the same way. I mean, obviously. Because I love you." That was the easiest she'd ever said it, and as Rumi looked at them, Zoey felt her heart explode into sunlight and confetti. "I love you, and you love each other so much." Mira moved and seemed about to speak, but Rumi continued. "But more than that, there's no 'only one who'll love your sins.' Not for you. Not for anybody. And you can't trust anyone who says something like that, not even if it's me or one of us or...or Celine." She glared down at her knees, and Zoey felt a growl in Mira's chest along with her own anger. "There's nobody like that. 'Only one'. Because you're lovable. Inherently. Flaws and everything. There never could be only one. I need you to know that." Rumi turned and took one of Mira's hands and one of Zoey's, staring at both of them. "I need you to never believe anyone who says that again. Ever. If nothing else, because you clearly love each other." Zoey felt her face get a little warm and giggled, and she felt Mira's arm that was still around her hold her tighter. "And because," her eyes were pulled back to Rumi's face, and how flushed it was made Zoey's heart start beating faster. "Because I love you. Both of you. I love you so much that it hurts."
Resting against Mira's chest, Zoey could feel her heart beating faster too. For once, she didn't have to try and interpret facial expressions or body language. She was touching her. She could feel how in love Mira was. And Mira must have been able to feel how in love she was too as she stared out at Rumi, her beautiful patterns and all. "Rumi," Mira said, her voice raw and heavy.
Rumi's eyes flicked up and down between Mira and Zoey, then before Zoey knew what had happened, she was standing, dropping their hands and laughing so awkwardly it made Zoey physically cringe. "B-but you two know that already, because you're my best friends and bandmates and I know that you love me too! So it's nice to say that sometimes and nice to hear it, but, you know, it doesn't need to be an every day thing or anything! Anyway, time to go! I need to water my plants!"
"Wait, y—" Before Zoey could even get a second syllable out, Rumi was gone, leaving nothing but a cloud of red smoke where she was. "...shit."
"AUGH! Rumi, you TEASE!" Mira bent back and pulled both hands away to cover her face so she could scream into them, and Zoey was caught in a loop of laughing and whining disappointedly. "You fucking insufferable—ugh! You can't just say shit like that, then use your new demon powers to bamf out of here before we can kiss you! Fuck!"
"Mira, please!" Zoey choked through her laughter. "Please fucking tell me that Rumi is ready now, please! I'm literally gonna die if we don't kiss her already!"
"The fuck you will, you don't get to die!" Mira yanked Zoey into her arms and pulled her back onto the bed so Zoey landed on top of her, laughing and smiling and seeing Mira smile back at her. Softly. Real-ly. Mira-ly. "You don't get to die. You're stuck here with me. In this bed."
"Uh, no, I think you're stuck in bed with me, actually," Zoey said. Mira rolled her eyes, and Zoey couldn't help but giggle as she kissed her. "Fuck, I wanna make out, but I cried so much that my mouth can't make any spit now."
"As much as I'd love to share some with you, yeah, let's get unstuck from this bed and get some more water." Mira rolled over, putting Zoey on the ground before standing up herself. "Zoey?" She hummed and looked up at her. After a second, Mira put her glasses back on and nodded slowly. "She's almost ready, I think. Almost. And things might have changed. I think that when she's actually ready, we'll know. Because she's going to tell us."
Zoey's eyes went wide. "Really? You really think so?"
"I'm not certain, but," Mira nodded. "Yeah...but if she doesn't, we'll do it before the end of our break. Because if she hasn't by then, I'm going to fucking explode."
"God, same," Zoey sighed, taking Mira's hand into hers. "Same, Mira. Same."
As they walked out to the kitchen, though, Mira's grip on her hand tightened. "Even if I'm wrong, though...even if she never ends up with us, I'll still be with you. You'll still be my family. I'll stay with you, Zoey. Always."
Zoey moved over and wrapped Mira's arm up in a hug. "I know, Mira. I know." And it wasn't whole. She didn't completely believe her yet. But she could tell how much she meant it. She meant what she said. And Zoey knew that she'd prove it again and again every day from now on. And she'd prove it back. Because even though they both loved Rumi and their relationship didn't feel complete without her, for Mira...
For Mira, she was still enough.