Chapter Text
Tim takes a deep breath as he tugs on the large wooden doors. The doors creak loudly on their hinges as they open, echoing down the narrow hallway.
The hallway is covered with framed paintings and drawings. Some are familiar works of art while most are hand drawn images done by children.
The walls are also painted bright colours full of life, nothing like what Tim expects a therapist's office to be.
Genny mentioned to him that Dr. Fuller shares her office with a paediatric psychologist and Tim did not think anything of it until he walked into the small one storey building.
There are little yellow and blue arrows that are about knee high pointing to the direction of the main lobby. Little dots following in its wake a clear makeshift map for children to engage in and follow.
Tim wonders briefly if Dr. Fuller would be the right fit for him. Be the right fit for what he needs.
Except Dr. Fuller is the third therapist Tim has reached out to since the fiasco with Dr. London and he’s currently at his wits end.
He needs to stop spending all his time searching for a therapist and just find one that can do their job.
Genny recommended Dr. Fuller due to her background in childhood traumas not to mention she had multiple references for veterans groups something Tim is also interested in looking into.
So here he is following the yellow brick road towards the therapist he’s hoping that can help him. Help him fix his life.
He pushes open the glass door at the end of the hallway and is greeted with silence. The lobby is empty, short for a young woman with thick curly black hair dressed in a simple blue jeans and blouse. Next to her is a little girl no older than 5 or 6 with brilliant bright red hair that reminds Tim of Genny.
She’s kneeling on the floor, sitting on her heels as she colours in her book that is resting on one of the many coffee tables in the sitting area.
Tim walks up to the receptionist who has her bright coloured hair in two pigtails. On seeing Tim she smiles brightly. “Hi! How can I help you?”
“Tim Bradford. I have an appointment with Dr. Fuller.”
“Ah yes! You’re a bit early, but no worries. It looks like you filled out all the prerequisite forms already. So why don’t you take a seat and I’ll give you a call when it’s your turn.”
Tim nods and thanks her before he wanders back to the sitting area. There are chairs lining the two walls on one side is a large shelf filled to the brim with toys and books alike.
He spies Dr Fuller’s door on the opposite room, the bland cream coloured door is a stark contrast to the bright colours of Dr. Beckett’s rainbow coloured door.
Tim takes a seat on the chair furthest from the woman and child.
He pulls out his phone intending to read some of the Sergeant memos and other bulletins he’s yet to look at for the week.
He’s now reading the notice for the new rookies that start in a few weeks time when a shadow is suddenly cast over his phone screen. He looks up and is surprised to find the redhead little girl looking at him curiously.
“Hi,” She says brightly, her red hair is pulled into two messy braids and a light yellow ribbon woven between each braid.
She’s dressed in light blue jeans overalls and a blue Stitch tshirt underneath. Both the tshirt and overalls are frayed in multiple places showing their wear and tear. Her fluorescent green sneakers are covered in dirt.
“Hello,” Tim greets in return, a smile tugging on the corner of his lips.
“I’m Lily,” she introduces matter of factly. “What’s your name?”
“My name is Tim.”
“Are you here to see Dr Becks too?” Lily asks curiously, she peers up at him with big round green eyes. “You’re a bit old to see her.”
“Lily!” The woman with her admonishes looking at Tim apologetically.
“It’s not rude Shelby!” Lily insists as she turns to face her. “It’s just the truth. Dr Becks only sees kids and Tim is old .”
“Lily, it’s not nice to call people old.” Shelby says gently.
“No, it’s okay she’s right. I am old .” Tim chimes in, earning a giggle from Lily who turns around to face him. “And you’re right I’m too old to see Dr Becks. I’m here to see Dr. Fuller.”
He points at the door and Lily follows his finger till she sees the door as well. “Is your brain a big puzzle too? Is Dr Fuller gonna help you find all the pieces?”
It’s a simple way to say he needs help with his thoughts and emotions and Tim finds himself liking the analogy.
“I hope so.”
“I hope so too,” Lily says with genuine honesty that only children can possess. “Dr Fuller will make you smiles more just like Dr Becks does for me.”
“I really hope so, Lily.” Tim says truthfully.
“Lilian Preston.” A voice calls out and Lily stands straight
“That’s me! See ya Mr. Tim!” She waves happily as she runs off to the rainbow door.
“I’m sorry about that,” Shelby says as she rises to her feet and takes a seat closer to Tim. “I’ve told Lily that sometimes people don’t want to talk in the lobby, but she’s a chatty one.”
“It’s okay. She reminds me of someone,” Tim says politely, his mind easily going to soft brown eyes that light up with each word as she speaks, hands animatedly moving as she tells a story.
Shelby nods and goes back to her iPad, 20 minutes past before the rainbow coloured door opens and Tim can’t help but smile when he hears Lily beckoning Shelby into the room.
Lily peaks around the door and waves at Tim, bringing a smile to his face before they both disappear behind the brightly coloured door.
By the time Tim walks out of Dr Fuller’s he feels raw but also accomplished. Lily’s words of encouragement ringing through his ears and he thinks she might just be right.
She and Shelby are long gone as well and Tim wonders fleetingly if he will see the bubbly redhead again.
A few days later Tim walks into the office and is immediately accosted by a bubbly 5 year old, “Mr. Tim! You’re back!”
Lily walks up to him with a purpose, today she is in a little flowered dress, the hem is slightly undone and there is a recent stain on the strap. She is in sneakers and her red hair is in a disarray.
“I am,” Tim says, unable to hide his smile. He nods at Shelby who is a few feet away on her iPad.
“Did Dr. Fuller helps you find your puzzle piece?” Lily asks innocently.
“She did, but it will take time to find them all,” Tim says simply.
“Yea Dr Becks says it’s not a race. I can take as long as I want to build the puzzle.” Lily says matter of factly. She looks at Tim thoughtfully. “You will take longer cause you’re old.”
The blunt way she speaks still catches Tim by surprise and he has to hold back his laughter.
“Lily!” Shelby admonishes in exasperation.
“But Mr. Tim said he is old!” Lily insists.
“It’s okay, but we probably shouldn’t point out how long someone takes to build their puzzle. Everyone is different right?” Tim offers, he glances at Shelby who nods at him encouragement.
Lily places her index finger on her chin and thinks deeply for a moment before she nods her head vigorously, “you’re right Mr. Tim, and some people might be sell coin-us”
“Sell coin-us,” Tim mutters in confusion until it hits him. “Oh right. Self conscious.”
“That’s what I said,” Lily insists. “Why you no listen, Mr. Tim?”
Tim hears a soft snort coming from Shelby and he can’t hold back his own laughter. “Sorry, my bad.”
“It’s otay,” Lily says easily, “I forgive you.”
If only things were as simple in his own life.
Lily grabs one of the pieces of papers on the table and walks up to Tim. She’s small for her age, looks about the same size as Jack but her vocabulary is clearly much more advanced than Jack who will be 4 in a few short months.
She thrusts the paper in Tim’s hand. On it is a dog that crazy enough looks a bit like Kojo but with big floppy ears. The dog is bright yellow and purple in colour “I coloured you a picture. It’s a doggy. But with colours so you can take him in Dr. Fuller’s boring room.”
“Thank you, Lily. I love it.” Tim says with sincerity touched that she not only did this for him, but even did it with a purpose in mind. “You know I have a dog just like this one.”
“Him name Puppers too?” Lily asks eagerly.
“No, his name is Kojo,” Tim says with a small laugh. He pulls out his phone and Lily’s tiny little fingers grab for it.
He sees Shelby rising to her feet but he waves her off gently. He navigates to his photo app and the first picture is Kojo snoozing on the couch, his head hanging off the side tongue sticking out.
“Oh! He’s gonna fall off the couch!” Lily says with a soft gasp and a giggle.
She swipes her finger across the screen to the next picture, this time it’s a video of Kojo running after a ball in the backyard. Tim can be heard in the background calling out to Kojo to bring back the ball.
She looks up at Tim and smiles, “Kojo is cute.”
“He is and he loves to sleep all day,” Tim says with a smile.
“I want a puppy, but we can’t have puppies in da home. Mrs. Meghan said no puppies allowed.” Lily says sadly.
Tim frowns at the word ‘da home’ he wonders briefly if Lily lives at one of the orphanages. He glances at his art and offers it to Lily, “do you want to keep puppers then?”
Lily shakes her head vigorously, “no. Puppers is for you, he can keep you company.”
“Okay. Thank you. I will show Kojo, Puppers when I get home.” Tim promises and makes a show of gently folding the page and sticking it in the front pocket of jeans.
Lily smiles brilliantly at Tim, just as the rainbow door creeks open, “Lilian Preston!”
“Dats me!” Lily declares, but instead of running off she turns her attention back to Tim and for the first time since meeting her, she looks at Tim with a shy tentative smile. “Mr. Tim, next time I see you can I see a picture of Kojo again?”
Tim's heart lurches at her uncertainty, in the few short exchanges he would have assumed the kid was fearless. Which he knows it’s a ridiculous assumption, he sends a soft reassuring smile, “sure thing, Ms. Lily. You can ask me any time.”
At the nickname Lilly giggles lightly, “okay! See yah later Mr. Tim!”
She waves at him before she takes off towards the officer. Dr Beckett, a tall slim brunette in her early 50s, was standing at the door watching the full exchange, giving Tim a nod in acknowledgment before she closes the door.
“She’s a good kid,” Tim says conversationally to Shelby.
Shelby nods, closing the cover of her iPad as she looks at Tim curiously. Tim clears his throat, his curiosity getting the best of him, “she’s in a home?”
“St. Gabrielle’s orphanage in Mid-Wilshire,” Shelby supplies. “Her mother was young, barely out of high school and died in a car crash when Lily was 2. She’s been at St. Gabrielle’s ever since.”
Tim knows that will be as much as he’s going to get, so he does not prod any further and only nods in acknowledgment. He pulls out the folded picture from his pocket and gently unfolds it, unable to stop smiling at Lily’s name sloppily written in big bold red letters at the top.
“Lily sees Dr Beckett every Tuesday and Friday, since she was 2. The same time each day,” Shelby offers quietly as she gets to her feet before she heads to the rainbow coloured doors.
Tim knows it’s not something she should be telling a complete stranger, but he mentally keeps track of the time and days and when Dr. Fuller asks him what day works for him. Tim finds himself booking 10:30 am on the following Tuesday.
For the next few weeks Tim finds himself in a fixed routine, a routine he actually enjoys.
With Nolan off on leave due to his injury Tim finds himself training Juarez for a few weeks . He’s surprised at the ease at which they find a rhythm, it helps that Celina is almost ready to go off on her own, but she also respects him and his boundaries and his desire to not speak about anything personal on the clock.
Despite that, Celina does on occasion casually mention what she did the night before or on her day off. Or most importantly what she got up to with Lucy.
She never once brings up Lucy’s name but she almost casually will say “we” with each activity and they both know who the we is.
Tim learns Lucy picked up goat yoga, they went to all of three classes before someone declared they wanted to adopt the goat and they had to stop.
Next was painting and wine, at first Tim had zero clue what Celina meant and he thought they were painting over the apartment until she showed him a painting of the sunset that Lucy had done.
He likes hearing what Lucy’s been up to, likes knowing she is keeping herself busy and has Celina with her, and he suspects that’s why Celina has been telling him these things every single week.
He itches to prod more, ask more follow up questions but he knows it’s not his place to ask. He does know if he did ask Celina would likely tell him.
In addition to his work schedule, every Tuesday and Friday at 10:30 am he does therapy with Dr Fuller. Every other Thursday he goes to his veteran support group.
It’s a lot, draining and some days completely unbearable. But Dr. Fuller promises it will get easier with time and that he will eventually get to one session a week.
Except Tim looks forward to these bi-weekly sessions every week, because every week like clock work he’s greeted by Lily with her blazing red hair, her rosy cheeks and freckled face and bubbly personality.
Some days he gets there a little earlier than planned and he colours with her while they both wait for their sessions.
Other days he brings her a new video or photo of Kojo to fawn over while they wait.
He looks forward to these pre-therapy sessions with Lily almost as much as he looks forward to roll call each shift just to get a glance at Lucy before she heads out for the day.
With Lucy, he keeps his distance, observes her from afar and does not approach her unless it’s work related. Till one day, she sees him making himself a coffee and instead of avoiding the break room all together she walks in an greets him with short, but warm “good morning, Tim”
Pathetically, that ‘good morning’ stays with him for days, he recalls it more times than he cares to admit and savours the way she says his name.
With Lily, each time he sees her, he asks her a new question about herself. The first time he asks her what her favourite snack is she is so thrown off she almost doesn’t answer him.
Now, she goes off on tangents about any and everything under the sun and she asks Tim questions in return.
He learns that she loves chocolate pancakes, there was a special kids day event at the orphanage a few months ago and all the kids got pancakes and ever since then she swore it’s the best thing in the whole world.
Her favourite animal is a sloth because they sleep all day.
She’s five years old and her favourite colour is yellow, because it’s bright like the sun.
She’s allergic to apples, but that’s okay cause mangos are the best things to exist.
Chocolate is also the second best thing ever.
One Friday morning Tim walks into the brightly decorated office with a yellow gift bag clutched in his fingers.
He’s been second guessing this decision since he saw the ugly ass stuffed sloth in a display on his way home from work.
The thing has long arms with Velcro hands and a tiny ugly head with big eyes. It’s soft and plush and the woman in the store told him it hugs you like a real sloth.
He knew immediately that Lily would love it even if Tim thinks the stuffed toy would give him nightmares.
When he pushes open the familiar glass door leading to the lobby and he smiles when he sees Lily first.
“Mr. Tim! I saw a raccoon today!” Lily greets as she runs up to him. She stops right in front of him and teeters on her pink jelly sandals as she looks up at him. Her green eyes look at the bag, and they go wide when she sees her name written across the bag.
“That says my name! Lily. L.I.L.Y!” Lily says brightly, she looks at Shelby who is watching the exchange closely.
Tim’s heart beats with nervousness, he didn’t think to run this by Shelby and now he worries he’s crossed some unknown boundary. But he can’t put the genie back in the lamp, so to speak, especially by the way in which Lily vibrates in anticipation.
“Is this for me?” Lily asks in awe, she’s yet to reach for the bag.
Despite her bubbly infectious personality, Lily is still a very reserved little girl. She is always surprised when Tim turns the conversation to her or makes anything about her.
In fact this is not the first gift he’s brought, he’s brought cookies from the cafe next door. The first time he brought cookies for the office including one each for Lily and Shelby. Lily mentioned she loves donuts so he then got cookies for everyone and a donut for Lily. She was so touched that Tim not only remembered what she liked but that he brought something solely for her. Tim was a bit worried she would never eat the donut.
Which is how he ends up holding the monstrosity that is this ugly stuffed sloth.
Tim glances at Shelby who only nods watching the exchange silently like she always does. Tim turns to Lily and smiles brightly. “It sure is! It’s got your name right?”
“It does!” Lily nods in agreement and that is all the encouragement before she takes the bag from Tim. She holds the bag up as high as she can so that she can read her name etched on the top. “Lily.”
Tim had noticed her little colouring book with her name written on it. When he bought her the donut he had the barista write Lily’s name on the bag and by the way she held that bag Tim suspects there isn’t much that Lily owns which is not surprising.
“A Sloth!” Lily all but yells in excitement as she pulls the stuffed animal out. “This is mine?”
She immediately wraps the arms around her neck and squishes it tightly. She looks up at Tim, her green eyes bright and eager, tugging on Tim’s heartstrings.
“She is,” Tim says with a small laugh. “She has a name and everything too.”
He crouches in front of Lily and gently flips the name tag at the bottom of the sloth.
“Lily! She has my name too!” Tim had gone back and forth about choosing the sloth that had the same name as Lily, but he sees now that it was the best decision and he can’t help but smile in return.
“Thank you Mr. Tim!” Lily surprises Tim when she leaps forward into his arms, the stuff sloth squished between them. “I love her!”
“You’re very welcome.” Tim’s voice catching with emotions, he can see Shelby smiling a few feet away, her expression thoughtful.
“And she’s all mine?” Lily asks with uncertainty clutching the sloth to her chest.
Tim looks across at Shelby, with hopefulness. He knows how these orphanages work, the kids share everything even when they aren’t meant to. A small part of him specifically chose Lily the sloth so that Lily could have more ownership on it.
He knows it’s out of his hands, he can’t control what the other kids or case workers do.
“Yes Lily. Lily the sloth is yours and only yours,” Shelby says patiently, “but, you can share with the other kids if you want.”
Lily blanches at her words and Tim has to hide his smile cause he agrees. He didn’t buy the ugly monstrosity for anyone else.
Okay, so he’s being a tad bit dramatic, but his point still stands.
“But, if you don’t want to, that's fine too,” Shelby says soothingly. “Lily is yours to keep.”
Lily grins and hugs the stuffed animal tightly, she looks across at Tim eagerly, “she gives good hugs.”
“That’s what she’s there for. All the hugs,” Tim promises.
Once again the rainbow door opens and Lily is beckoned into the office. She waves at Dr Becks, but takes all of two steps before she runs back to Tim hugging him around the legs, shocking him to say the least. “Thank you so much for my LilySloth, Mr. Tim!”
Tim places his hand on her head and gently tugs on her pigtail. “You are very welcome Ms. Lily. Go on, Dr. Becks is waiting for you.”
And for the first time since meeting her Lily hesitates to go to therapy. She glances at the door, then at Tim then at her sloth a million emotions running across her face.
“Lily?” Dr Becks calls out slightly concerned
Lily seems to come out of her stupor and quickly runs towards the rainbow door. Just before she disappears behind it she sends Tim a little wave before the door closes.
“Did I do something wrong?” Tim asks Shelby immediately with a frown. “I’m sorry if I should have asked about the gift. I saw the thing hanging from a fake tree on the display on the way home yesterday and I…”
“Tim…Tim it’s fine you did nothing wrong,” Shelby reassures calmly. She glances at the rainbow door briefly before looking back at Tim, “Lily isn’t used to getting gifts. These kids, they get shuffled around through the system, sometimes moving from one foster family to the next. People donate gifts at Christmas time, take them to little things here and there but it’s not personalized. That sloth may very well be the first personalized gift Lily ever got. She is just a little overwhelmed by it.”
“Oh.”
Tim takes a seat on the chair. When he first saw the sloth he immediately thought Lily had to have it, on knowing the sloth’s name was Lily he figured it was meant to be.
It’s something he could hear Lucy telling him in his head, especially when he was second guessing his impromptu decision to buy it.
It never occurred to him that it would mean this much to Lily.
“Seems like Lily isn’t the only one overwhelmed,” Shelby observes, her voice soft and gentle.
Tim shakes his head and clears his throat, “I’m glad it means so much to her.”
Shelby hums and shifts in her seat so that she’s fully facing Tim, “Lily gets 30 minutes with Dr Beckett on her own. They talk about anything Lily wants to, sometimes they might only draw or read, it’s entirely up to Lily. The last 15 minutes I usually join them and Lily gets to include me as much or as little as she likes. These last two weeks Lily has been wanting to leave her sessions as soon as I enter.”
Tim frowns, wondering what could possibly be wrong, from what he’s seen Lily adores Shelby. It’s not his place to ask, so he doesn’t prod but Shelby chuckles lightly, clearly picking up on his concern, “she has been wanting to leave early in hopes of running into you .”
Oh .
“She’s usually finished by the time my session is over,” Tim observes. He won’t admit that he too had hoped that Lily’s sessions ran a little later so that he could see her.
Shelby only smiles knowingly, “I noticed that you would come in 15 minutes earlier these last few days. Lily noticed too, I used to have to coax her into coming to these sessions, but now when I arrive at St. Gabrielle’s, she’s already dressed and ready to go. She got a little anxious today when you didn’t show up like you usually do. I told her that you could have booked your session on a different day.”
“I was looking for the bag,” Tim says with a sheepish smile, his cheeks reddening in embarrassment, “I was looking for a bag with her name on it. I ended up in three different gift stores.”
Shelby smiles and moves to grab the bag gently folding it along the seams and placing it next to her handbag. “I am sure she will cherish the gift bag as much as the sloth.”
Tim smiles shyly in response, he clears his throat, “you can tell Lily that my sessions are always Tuesday and Friday too.”
Shelby smiles knowingly, “I’ll make sure to mention that to her.”
The next week Tim finds himself working night shifts in order for Celina to meet her required quota, the fact that Nolan did not spread this out since the beginning of FTO year annoys Tim to no end.
But what is really bothering him is their shift ends up going over time and he barely has time to make it to his therapy session. Which means he almost misses Lily before her session.
He is so anxious about this he leaves work still dressed in his uniform. He thinks nothing of it until he walks into the lobby a bit more befuddled than normal and Shelby does a double take when she sees him.
He really hopes the social worker only has good memories with cops. He tries not to think too hard about why he needs the social worker’s approval.
“Mr. Tim! You’re a cop!” Lily gasps as she runs up to him, LilySloth hooked around her neck and forgotten as she takes him in. She tilts her head all the way back to look at him. “WOW.”
Tim bites back a smile unsure how to take that specific reaction. Lily looks up at him and curls her index finger inwards beckoning Tim down to her height.
Tim crouches down so they are more at eye level although he’s still a head taller than her. Lily though is far more focused on his uniform.
She presses her index finger along the stripes on his sleeve, glancing at him briefly for permission. Tim only nods and she moves to his badge with his name on it.
“Brrr…aidee?” Lil tries to sound out but frowns when she doesn’t get it.
“Bradford.” Tim corrects gently. “It’s my last name. Tim Bradford. Like yours is Lily Preston.”
“Bradford.” Lily repeats, testing out the name. She then moves to his police badge and presses it gently. “3.4.8.3”
“Very good,” Tim encourages and Lily beams with pride.
“What does this say?” Lily asks her fingers tracing the Sergeant at the top of the badge.
“Sergeant,” Tim says at her confused look he laughed gently. “I’m a sergeant. That means I’m in charge of all the other police officers in my department.”
Lily nods, and Tim suspects it goes over her head. She takes a step back and looks at him thoughtfully, “you’re like officer Nick.”
“Who’s officer Nick?”Tim frowns, not expecting Lily to know another cop. He also doesn’t expect his heart to lurch and he is filled with unexpected jealousy at the thought.
“He’s a fox!” Lily says cheerfully.
Tim looks across at Shelby utterly confused and a bit worried, but Shelby holds up her iPad to him holding back a smile.
There on the screen is a pair of cartoon cops, a bunny and a fox . Rookie cops by the looks of it in long sleeves.
“That’s Officers Nick and Judy!” Lily says enthusiastically. “They fight crime, like you!”
Tim laughs, “they look like quite a pair.”
Lily looks at him slightly confused, but she continues on as if he didn’t say anything, once again reminding Tim of Lucy.
“Do you have a Judy?” Lily asks eagerly, “She’s Officer Nick’s panda. He calls her Carrots.”
“Partner.” Shelby corrects on seeing Tim’s confused face.
“That’s what I said,” Lily says matter of factly.
Tim bites back a laugh, by now all too used to Lily’s insistence that she is saying the right word. She looks at him expectantly, “Do you have a panda, Mr. Tim?”
Tim pauses at her words, not expecting his heart clench painfully at the question. Lucy may have never been his partner on the job, but she was his partner in every way that counts.
He misses her.
Lily who is astute as ever frowns picking up Tim’s disposition immediately. She reaches out and gently touches Tim’s forearms, her tiny little fingers dwarfed next to Tim’s arm. “Is your panda a missing puzzle piece?”
Tim breath hitches at the innocent, but painfully accurate question. “Yea, she is.”
“You’ll find her,” Lily says with conviction and she pats Tim’s arm gently. “You have to have pennies.”
The misuse of the word pulls Tim from his thoughts but he can’t help but smile back, “you’re right. I need to have patience.”
“Yup, you’ll find your panda in no times!” Lily says enthusiastically.
For some strange and ridiculous reason Tim believes this five year old, as if she holds the key to all his problems.
Who knows maybe she does.
He’s just about to thank her when once again the rainbow door opens and Dr. Beckett calls out to Lily.
Lily tackles Tim in a surprise hug, her fair skin pinking up in embarrassment before she runs off again, Lily Sloth dangling from her neck. “Bye Officer Tim!”
Tim doesn’t have the heart to correct her.