Archive of Our Own

Eiji could barely hear the vibrations of the blasting music coming from the house behind him, eyes closed. Headphones over his head, blasting the kind of tunes he liked while dangling his legs over the edge on the unfilled pool beneath him. There was a small spasm of pain that shot up his ankle, because of the cold. It was chilly tonight despite it being late September. He tightened his hold on the sleeves of his sweater before deciding to jam his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. Rubbing his hands against the rough texture of fabric for warmth. Grinding down on his teeth in vain, to ignore the discomfort throbbing in his ankle. 

Eiji feels a familiar presence of somebody standing over him. He knew it too well, he always felt safe in it. Comfort. A shiver passes throughout his spine, feeling a rush of heat in his cheeks. He opens his eyes meeting summer green eyes. Those eyes never failed to make his breath hitch and heart soar. Like he was taking that first leap into the sky. Back when he pole vaulted. 

Homecoming. 

Eiji never understood that word. But whenever he looked into those green eyes. 

I think I get it now. 

“Ash..” 

“Why aren't you inside..?” He pauses, "Not on the prowl tonight, Okumura?” 

Okumura? Stupid. You never referred to me by my last name. Not even on the day we met. You, rude American boy. 

But by God, Eiji knew his given name was the safest in Ash’s mouth. 

Cherished, perhaps. 

The blonde’s words were slow and sluggish though. 

Which is rare. And impossible to tell most times. Ash Lynx drunk? No, the man knew how to hold his liquor. 

**

‘My old man used to feed that shit to me for breakfast when I was seven. Till Griff caught him.’ 

Ash scoffed that time when Eiji caught him sneaking some whiskey into the crappy gas station coffee. Where they took off for the weekend, putting gas in the truck. Trying to escape from their everyday responsibilities and lives just for two days. 

Jim’s drinking and fists barreling. 

Griffin catches them and throws them back. Just trying to protect his little brother and make a decent home out of a decaying, rotting house. 

Ash’s mom who only came around when she needed something. 

Never once has she asked for Ash.

‘I’m hurting here, sunbeam.. can you lend me some money? Your father is being a tight ass. You know how he is..’ 

‘I know, mom.’ 

‘Oh, you're the only good thing that came from that man. I'm so lucky.’ 

While Eiji's father is sick, dying slowly in the hospital. Day by day. Always asking for his wife. 

She never came. 

Eiji had to break his heart every day when he visited him. 

“She's not coming, Otou-san.. not today.”

“Tomorrow..?” 

Eiji smiles. “Maybe.. we'll see.” 

Eiji hated himself seeing the hope shimmer in his father's eyes. 

Just to see it dim the next day. 

The life in his father, his mind, was fading away just like the fog on the glass window. No matter how much or many times you breathe on it. It's the same old story. Same sad ending every time. 

Just like when Eiji sat across from his mother at the dinner table. His little sister is in the middle between them. While they force their lips into a smile. Pretending. For her sake. 

Eiji asks her every time, in Japanese. “Are you going to see him?” 

Eiji’s mother. Who he looked so much like. Who he used to look up to, admire. 

She hums, tilts her head to the side,

 “Oh.. tomorrow, I will. For sure.” 

She doesn't even wear her ring anymore. 

Eiji wonders if that's what he looks like when he lies. 

**

Eiji rolls his eyes, sucking a harsh breath through his teeth. He reaches to take off his headphones, sliding them down to his neck and letting them rest on his shoulders. Cutting off Mazzy Star’s Fade Into You when he pulled out the cord from his walkman. “And you're drunk, I see.” He pats his ripped jeans, feeling for his pack of cigarettes. 

He never smoked. Not till recently. Not since that one time Shorter caught him staring blankly at the sunrise. On a balcony, at another party. While everyone was crashed out in various places on the floor and furniture. Sleeping off their dooming hangovers. 

**

Ash had a pretty brunette snoozing on his lap. Himself was slouching back against the couch. Where the beginning stages of sunlight from dawn always seem to find him. Draping over his body, eyelashes, and hair. Highlighting the freckles on well toned biceps. 

Eiji wanted to push back his hair, run his fingers through the gold locks. Cover him up with a blanket, and stare at him till Ash wakes up. Who'll grumble, smack a hand over Eiji’s face, and call him a “Creep..” in a raspy, teasing tone.

 “.. quit yer fucking staring..” flipping him off till they're snickering and throwing jibes at each other. 

But he can't. So he cries on the balcony. Feeling pathetic. Shorter wraps a comforting arm around him and offers him a cigarette. He takes it. And inhales the nicotine. 

The day before he caught his mother in bed with one of his teachers. He still doesn't know how he did that. She always hid her affairs well. And he always checked the driveway to see if there were any unusual cars. So he can take his sister out to the comic book store as a detour. Or to Shorter's to meet up with Ash and play games together. 

He was off his game this time. 

Between working at the Cafe, picking up his grandmother's prescriptions or taking her to church, taking his sister and picking her up at school. While going to school himself, then seeing his dad before visiting hours are over. 

It all kinda slipped by him. 

Ash always helped take some of the load off for him. But he had his own shit show to deal with too. He worked at the library and as security there too. Sometimes for graveyard hours because people kept trashing the place after closing. Or busy chasing after Jim with his brother cause he got too drunk again. Always pestering Ash’s mother at the motel she stayed at. And she called Ash all the time. Like tonight, right before Ash and Eiji were gonna go to Cain’s party. 

“Come get this fucking bastard!! My neighbors are gonna call the cops and get me kicked out!” 

This time Jim tried to take a swing at Ash when the boy tried to drag him away from the motel door. 

Eiji landed him on his ass. Threw him in the back of the truck like a bag of garbage without a hint of remorse. 

People never see it coming from short, naive, soft spoken, weird, and polite, Eiji Okumura. 

Only a few knew there was more to him. 

And no matter how hard Griffin tried to, he couldn't stop laughing on the drive back home. 

“Asshole had it coming.” he says in between wheezes of short, quick breaths. 

Ash couldn't tear his gaze away from the blisters forming on Eiji's knuckles. 

Heart in his throat. 

Eiji always made him feel like that. 

Warm. Safe. And looked after. 

After that fiasco, they were dropped off at Cain’s house to blow off some steam. The party was still thriving despite it being one in the morning. 

Ash had turned to Eiji before they went inside. Grabbing his hand, the one he used to punch Jim. Dragging him to the side of the house, where abandoned bicycles, outside furniture, and a BBQ pit was stored at. Grass overgrown, due for a trim soon. There were already weeds tangling in it.

 It was dark, only lighting was the moon and an old red porch light. Patting Eiji down for some bandaids or wraps. Because he knew the Japanese boy always carried them on him. His thumb caressing over his bruised knuckles. A softness gleaming in his sour apple green eyes. “Idiot..” he cradles the hand in between his own with care and tenderness. 

“Don't do that again. I hate seeing you hurt, birdie.” 

Birdie. 

Was something sacred, sweet, that Ash only called Eiji when it was just the two of them. 

Ash wraps his hand in green wrap. 

“Too tight..?” 

Eiji felt his knees buckle and stomach swoop. “N-No..” 

Ash guides the wrapped hand to his lips, very lightly pressing a kiss against the bandage, bruised knuckles. “Good. I don't want you hurting.” 

“Ash.. I don't want you to hurt either..” 

“Who cares..? I'm fine-” 

“I care!” Eiji holds tighter onto the blonde's hands. 

Ash’s hands were always so cold. 

Eiji squeezes them hoping to heat them up. Bringing them to his mouth to blow on them. 

Ash stared at him, memorized by the sight. A burn creeping inside his chest. He could hear how fast his heart was pounding. 

Wondering if Eiji could too? 

Fuck. 

Ash swallows hard, his Adam's apple bobbing upside his throat. 

“I know you do, Eiji..” 

Eiji's night-like eyes seared into his soul when he set that heavy gaze on him. Griffin was the poet, not Ash. But Ash swore he could write endlessly about those eyes. His hair too, his tan skin, and that smile. He knew just about where every beauty mark was on Eiji's body. Probably more than Eiji did, since some were located where the boy couldn't quite see or paid attention. 

Like the one behind his ear, the back of his neck, his inner thigh, his right hip, the one hidden behind his left thick eyebrow, or the few on his back. Hell, he even had one right under the cleft of his cheeky ass. Eiji would always complain in a whiny voice whenever he pinched it or kissed it when he went down on him. Claiming that it was dirty. 

Dirty. Right. There was nothing dirty about Eiji. 

“C’mere..” 

Eiji made a confused face, scrunching up his nose. “What..? I am here.. what do-” 

“I want to kiss you.” Ash slips one of his hands out of Eiji’s loving hold. “Slow.. soft .. hard. Can I..?” He murmurs, his hand reaching for Eiji's face. Tilting his head back. His thumb brushes over a peach soft lip. Pulling it down a little to reveal that cute little gap between his teeth that Ash had always found endearing. It was just so.. Eiji. He uses his other hand to cradle the back of Eiji's head before pushing him against the wall. “Is that okay..?” Caging him in, shielding him, wanting to use his body to shelter the smaller man in the safety of his arms. 

Eiji's face flushed, breath hitching. 

Gives a quick short nod. 

Ash pushes his head against Eiji's, green eyes meeting brown. 

“Words. Birdie, use your words.. Tell me.” 

Eiji bumps his head against Ash’s in retaliation, “Same.. old same?” a little bit of his accent coming out through his words. 

And by that, he meant. 

Ash kissing him. 

Which always turns heavy.

Heated. 

Tugging at clothes. 

Skin against skin. 

Fucking. 

Ash hated using that word with Eiji though. It was never just that with Eiji. Never. 

Cause Ash has fucked before. He actually felt like he hated sex sometimes. When it comes to other people. They made it seem like it was owed to them just because of the way he looked. He fucked those girls hoping to feel something. Anything. But all he felt was disgust with himself. Shame. 

**

There was one girl he felt something with. They both were twelve when they met. Carlie, was her name. He really liked holding her hand. Kissing her cheek. It didn't last long between them, she moved away after her mother had gotten a DUI. Almost killing them both while under the influence. Her father and grandmother took her back to Missouri. 

He never forgot her. Hoping she was doing better now. 

He met Eiji a year after. After school, it was snowing. Arthur Frederick was starting shit with him as always. Spreading rumors about him, making everyone cautious around him. 

Also didn't help that he was always messing with the pocket knife that Shorter gave him for his birthday. It had a lynx and a bird engraved on it. The bird was guiding the lynx through the mountains. He was cutting up some pieces of fruit and nuts to feed the ducks at the park. Arthur and his gang were laughing at him. 

But then the new transfer student from Japan went up to him. Shy, quiet, polite. Struggling to pronounce his words in English. “Your knife.. very cool.” 

Ash was weirded out at first, “Pocket knife actually..” 

“Pocket.. knife.” Eiji sounded it out carefully. Testing the words in his mouth. 

“Mmh.” Ash side eyes him with the corner of his eye. 

“May I hold it..?” 

Taken back, Ash blinks but only for a quick second. Shrugging it off to show he wasn't affected. The corner of his lip twitches. “Sure. Why not.” handing the knife to him. 

Eiji never feared him, and didn't listen to the bullshit rumors. 

But god did Eiji terrify him a little, there was this warmth that surrounded him. Pulling Ash in. Soft. Kind. Safe. 

Over the years since knowing each other, their friendship grown, and their bond getting stronger.

Along with those feelings he's been trying to deny and shut out by kissing Carmen Wilson at the winter ball dance in the last year of Junior High. Swearing he could feel the sensation of eyes burning at the back of his head. 

The first time they had sex. They had just turned eighteen that year. They snuck into the community pool at one in the morning. No one cared since people were still popping off fireworks for the fourth of July. 

After that, sex with other people was nothing like it was with Eiji.

He actually felt.. turned on. Horny. He didn't really like that word either but fuck did it describe what he was feeling. When he saw Eiji slip out of his underwear and skinny dipped into the pool. After Ash dared him too. 

He couldn't stop staring. 

He always catches himself staring at Eiji. Even when he's doing the most mundane things. 

Eiji just smiles at him. Didn't look at Ash like he owed him anything or lustful. Sure there was want in those bright eyes, but there was also adoration, and… god he didn't dare to think it or hope at the time. 

When they laid out over a blanket near the pool, with their swim shorts back on. Both watching the fireworks in the midnight sky. Fingers kept bumping into each other till Ash finally thought fuck it.

“Taste this.. it's good.” Ash takes a swig of the hard lemonade they snuck in. Then presses his lips against Eiji's. 

Pouring the lemonade into his mouth, pushing his tongue against Eiji's. The alcohol stinging his taste buds. Or was it Eiji? Fuck, the little moan the other boy let out. Made his heart burn. More. He wanted more. 

“E-Eiji.. tell me this is okay.” 

Eiji nods, quick and fast. 

Ash brushes his lips against the side of mouth. “No.. use your words. Talk to me. Hell, you could punch me for not asking before-” 

“Ash.. kiss me.” 

Ash melts against his forehead, “Just kissing..?” He wanted a clarification. 

“No.. everything. You can even put it inside me.. please. I want it all. I want you.” 

Everything went by so fast. Ash made sure he stretched Eiji out well. Even while he begged and cried for more. Both of them rutted their hips in desperation. Till Ash finally pinned Eiji's down, running his cock between the crevice of his cheeks. Teasing his tip into the tight heat every once in a while. Kissing, they weren't even sure they were kissing anymore. Breathing each other's air more like it. Panting hard. Licking and nipping at necks, chins, and collarbones. 

The high pitched gasp that escaped Eiji's red bitten lips. When Ash finally pushed his cock inside him. Can't be erased from his memory. If it was possible it would be recorded within his heart. 

Both of them were lost in each other's movements after that. Clinging, laying kisses all over their faces. Whispering nonsense and giggling out breathy moans. The distance between them was nonexistent, Eiji kissed Ash with all the sweetness and tenderness that the blonde felt like he lacked or didn't exist in him. But then the brown-eyed boy reminds him that's not true at all. It's always been there. 

When Ash twisted Eiji over onto his stomach, covering his body with his own. Trying to protect him in some way. From what? Ash didn't know. He felt comfort doing this, wrapping his arms around Eiji from behind. Chest pressed against back. One arm across his neck and the other under his belly. Feeling the slight bulge of his long length poking against it. Eiji welcomes the weight, melting into it almost. 

Ash kisses the back of his neck and mouthing at his ear. Where little dark moes lie. While he plowed him from the back. 

Ash wanted more. 

Eiji was insatiable once he let go. Needy. 

"Ash.. Y-You make me feel so good.. p-please don't stop. I need you.. I-I lo-" before slipping into Japanese, reaching for Ash's hand. Squeezing it, pressing feverish kisses on the back of it. Uttering hushed Japanese in between moans and gasps. Ash always wondered what he was murmuring all the time. 

It didn't stop there.  

After that, when they showered together at the pool. They did it again. Eiji on his knees, taking him into his mouth. Then in the changing room, where Ash took him again. Eiji curled his arms around his neck. Rubbing his back or caressing his hair when Ash slipped in and out of him. 

Before dropping Eiji off at home. They had more sex in the truck. Eiji climbing into his lap and riding him. Ash slammed back into his gyrating hips. Both not taking their eyes off each other. Ash had felt so desperate, whining into tan skin all while rutting into the tightness. Eiji hushed him, “I got you, Ash.. let go.” Mouthing tender kisses against his forehead. 

The sex with Eiji.. despite the rush and desperation. It was sweet, gentle, pure, comforting, and soothing. Almost fun. Freeing. 

It's weird. Sex shouldn't feel like that for Ash. 

It was embarrassing how much Ash craved for Eiji. 

Especially that same night after he made sure Eiji made it inside safely. He came back before dawn, climbing up to his window. Knowing it was unlocked, he hated that Eiji left it open like that. Anyone could break in. Even though he knew it was specifically for him to sneak in anytime he wanted. 

There's that warmth again. Ash clutches at his chest. Eyes watering. 

Eiji was asleep on his bed. The expression on his face was serene. Ash noticed he fell asleep in his jeans. The taller boy shakes his head in dismay, knowing the other will wake up in discomfort. He helped pull off his jeans, leaving him in just his black brief shorts and tank top. Ash pulled off his shirt and pants too. Before tucking Eiji in and laying next to him in bed. 

He doesn't know when Eiji curled up next to him, snuggled into his chest. Head resting over where his heart is. 

Ash let himself be weak for a moment, blamed it on being sleepy and tipsy. He tightened his embrace around him, kissing the mop of messy dark locks. 

**

Afterwards, whenever they had sex. They always take care and help each other dress. 

Ash would double check before leaving for the party inside the house. Then after a while Eiji follows. 

Ash can always feel the other boy’s longing stare across the room. He knows he’s hurting. Getting tired. Weary. Doesn't even expect Ash to come out or anything. Just wants him to stop denying that there is something more between them. Pushing him away. Holding him at arm's length. 

So Ash has a few beers then fuck some pretty girl. Doing whatever he can to deny the feelings he's been harbouring for one of his best friends. 

Who's a guy. 

And it terrifies him. 

**

When he was seven. 

His baseball coach. A man. 

Stretched across over his smaller, quivering frame. 

In the equipment room at the baseball field, after practice. 

His mother, for once in his whole fucking life. Showed up on time. 

Saw that her son was about to be raped. 

And she actually acted like a fucking parent. Or at least he thinks she did. She screamed bloody murder, startling the pig headed bastard. Grabbing one of the bats from a hook behind her. And swung it over his head. 

Bashing it over and over again. 

“Mama!! Enough!” Aslan sobs. 

She swung towards him, her poison green eyes crazed. “No! He's dirty, Aslan!! It's a sin! People like him are dirty! Scum!” She turns around to slam the head of the baseball bat into the dead man's crotch. Till she heard a sickening crunch. 

He screams in anguish. 

Red. Red on his cleats. The floor. The wall. 

“Twisted. Twisted. They're all twisted. Sick. Sick. Sick!” She kept stuttering, lost in her mind. 

Aslan whimpers, “Mama.. it's okay.” 

She drops the bat. Her body heaving with rage. “Aslan.. baby.” She whispers. 

Aslan stays where he's at, on the bench. Frightened by her bloody, trembling hands. Red. So red. 

“Y-Yes…?” 

“No man is allowed to do that to you. Ya hear me?” 

Aslan shakes his head, hiccuping. Tears streamed down his red face. 

She reaches for him. 

Aslan scrambles back, “Mama, please..” 

She embraces him. 

Aslan whines into her chest. Her bloody hands stroking his sunflower hair. 

“Shh.. my sweet sunbeam.” 

“M-Mama..” 

“You're good, Aslan.. you're such a good boy. Nothing like them. Never like them. Never like them. See what he tried to do..? It's sick. If a man tries that ever again. You kill them.” 

Aslan froze. “W-What… N-No, mama..” 

His mother grabs him by the shoulders, shaking him almost. Causing him to let out a startle yelp, forcing him to look up at her. “You have to! That's all they do, Aslan.” She cups his blotchy, tear stained face. Finger nails digging into his skin almost, causing him to wince. “They hurt. They're depraved. Don't fucking let them, sunbeam. Don't.” 

Aslan sniffles, looking up at her. Bottom lip quivering. 

“O-Okay, mama..” 

“Never.” 

“N-Never ever.”  

Her hard green eyes soften, some of the madness lingering away. “Let's get you cleaned up. Your shirt is ruined.” She lifts him by under his arms, placing him on her hip. “Oh, and your cleats. What a shame.. Don't worry, mama will make it all better. How about a milkshake? I need a little pick me up myself after that mess..”

Aslan couldn't hear her anymore. Just a loud ringing. 

Her hair was buzzed now, freckles covered her arms. He felt like she lost more weight but her arms were solid. Strong. A tattoo of the sun on her shoulder. She was wearing baggy jeans, grass stains all over them. And a bright canary yellow tank top. There was a wildflower pinned to one of her straps. 

He remembers her scent, cigarettes and a sickening sweet perfume. 

“W-What about him-” Aslan clung to her shirt. 

“Aslan.” 

Her voice was stern and unwavering. 

“Don't ever ask about him again.” 

His tummy hurts. 

**

He never did ask. 

One night the coach's house was set on fire where they found scattered remains of children. Revealing the town’s beloved coach’s sinister secrets. Everyone seemed to put two to two together. Or made up their own stories about what happened to the coach. Or some just didn't give a fuck. Good riddance. 

Ash didn't need to be a genius to figure out what had happened. 

And he had a 200 IQ.

 They moved away shortly after that from Cape Cod. Jim bitched and moaned about it till his mother cocked him in the nose with her first. 

He never spoke of it again. 

Griffin's mom moved out after that incident, calling him pathetic. 

Ash's mother's words haunted him. He knew some were built from hysteria and wrath at what she was feeling at the moment. 

But still.. 

He's never seen her like that before. 

She was always disappearing and wandering off. She came back. Always. Asking for money. Most likely for partying. 

That was the only time she was actually a parent or felt like one. 

What the hell. 

“Ash..? You okay..?” 

Ash flinches away from the memories. 

“You drifted away again.. your mind has been very far away all night.” Eiji was about to push away and give him space. 

Eiji knew. About what happened to him. What his mom did. Not what she said to him though. 

Shorter didn't know any of it. 

Eiji moved from Japan to New York City at thirteen years old. Ash had already been living there in New York since he was eight. Right after..

Yeah. 

He met Shorter when he was ten. They both were in detention. 

The duo became a trio when Eiji became a part of them. All sophomore year they were in detention. 

He’s not sure what would've become of him if he didn't meet Shorter Wong and Eiji Okumura. Less detention probably. 

“I'm fine.” Ash quickly brushes off, pulling Eiji by his belt loops. Curling his fingers in, tugging him hard against his body. Eiji almost lost his footing, grabbing onto the taller boy’s hoodie. “A-Ash!” 

“What?” Ash smirks. 

Eiji puffs his cheeks up in annoyance. “Watch it..” 

“You like it when I grab you like that. Not my fault, you're a klutz.” 

The dark haired boy narrows his eyes, a playful grin tugging at his lips. “Oh?” He slides his hand down over the front of Ash’s jeans. “Well, if I'm such a klutz then.. maybe I shouldn't..” he cups over the shape of Ash's clothed cock. “I might miss.. and poke my eye out.” A teasing gleam shines in those almond brown eyes. Man, they always seemed to change from whatever Eiji was feeling or if there was a certain light reflecting on them. Brown, black, sometimes even blue. Ash was trying to figure it out. 

‘Beautiful..and very Eiji.’ Ash thinks, trying to keep his cool. Not wanting to show how he was affected by the other boy's ministrations.  

“W-What the fuck, Eiji..!” He bursts out laughing despite the heat stirring upside inside him just from the way Eiji touched him. 

Eiji laughs just as hard, “You should've seen the look on your face..!” He says in between breathless laughs. “Still want that blowjob..?” 

Ash smacks a hand over the shorter boy's mouth. “Oh god, don't say that. That word just sounds wrong coming out from your oh so polite mouth.” 

“It wasn't so polite a few nights ago.” Eiji replies cheekily. 

“You're nasty, y'know that?” Ash huffs out. 

“Well it did have your weiner in it a couple times, so you would know.” 

“Eiji!!” Ash chokes out, feeling his whole face heat up. His left eye twitching. 

“You said that too.” Eiji sticks his tongue out at him. It's short lived though after letting out a squeak when Ash makes a grab at him. 

“C’mere, you little shit.” Ash growls, wrapping his arms around Eiji's waist. Lifting him up and pushing him up against the wall. 

Eiji laughs some more, automatically wrapping his legs around Ash’s hips. 

 Ash nips at the tan skin on the side of his neck. Making sure he nipped into every beauty mark he could find. Like he was searching for the constellations in the sky. He could feel the vibrations of Eiji's laughter against his lips. 

It was true bliss. 

This, with Eiji, wasn't just some fuck.

Not an experiment. 

Not just an experience. 

Right..? 

Eiji smiles at him. Reaching for his face, holding him like he was precious. 

God, he was magnificent. 

“Kiss me, Ash.” 

If only he could tell his mind to quiet. 

**

“Mhm..” Ash slouches down next to the dark haired boy, bumping his shoulder against him. Face flushed, eyes unfocused, biting down on his red, chapped lips. His neat slicked back hair looks like it's usual messy style now, looking like hands have been running through the locks. “Why weren't you inside..” he asks again. 

“You know, you got the nerve to complain about me prowling around. All night, when you've been kissing every girl here who wants you.” Eiji grouses while pulling out a cigarette, his lighter in the other hand. 

Ash snorts, “One even gave me a handy in the bathroom.” he eyes slant towards the cigarette in the other's hand. Wondering in his foggy mind when did Eiji start smoking?

Eiji grimaces, inhaling the first hit of nicotine in his lungs. But that's not what burns the most at the moment. “Lovely. And why aren't you with her right now?” 

Ash leans his head over Eiji's shoulder, pressing his lips against it. 

“Ash..” Eiji warns, trying to shrug him off. Even though everything inside him wanted the man next to him. But Ash was clearly drunk. They would never cross that boundary with each other. He should take him home. 

“God, you're lovely..” Ash ignores him, trailing kisses up Eiji's neck. “You smell so good..” 

“Ash. You're fucking drunk..” Eiji drops his cigarette into the empty pool beneath them before clasping Ash by the shoulders with his hands. 

“Yeah, so? I want you.. God, I always want you. Even though I shouldn't.” Ash whispers, voice cracking with desperation. 

“You’re only saying that cause you're drunk, so you can have excuse to kiss me and fuck me without any guilt.” Eiji bites back, trying his hardest to fight the urge to give in to Ash's antics. 

“And why can't you just give me that?” Ash falls over Eiji, knocking the breath out of him. Laying his head over his lap. His arms went around his torso, tightening his grip. 

Eiji places his hand by the collar of his neck, “I'm always doing that. But I can't just be-” he's interrupted by a pair of insistent lips. 

Eiji moans softly, parting his lips for Ash's tongue to slip in. Eiji cups the other man's face, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles over his cheeks. Ash melts further into the kiss, laying all his weight into Eiji. Grinding his hips against Eiji's crotch. 

“Eiji..” Ash whispers against Eiji’s lips, “I want you. I want you so bad. I lo-” 

“Ash! Are you out here!?”

Ash tore himself from Eiji as if he was burnt. 

Eiji felt ice fill inside his stomach. 

Ash flushes, his eyes darting around frantically. “Shit.. y-yeah, I'm here!” 

“Come on, man. We're about to do spin the bottle!” 

Eiji stares up at him, feeling that familiar sick dropping feeling in his stomach. “Don't.. don't go. Tell me you're not going..” 

Ash stares at him, fear burning within his eyes. “I- no, I mean.. yes. I.. Eiji, you know..” 

Eiji shakes his head, shutting his eyes tight. Same song, different lyrics every damn time. “Just.. fucking go.” 

“Eiji..” 

“Leave me the fuck alone, Lynx.” 

Eiji kept his eyes closed, sucking in a harsh breath. God, he needed another smoke. 

“Sometimes.. I wish.. I wish you were a girl.” Ash murmurs. Something he never dared to think or let alone say out loud. But the liquor on his lips was making it too easy. 

Eiji flinches like he's been struck, lips quivering. The tears that he was desperate to keep at bay, snuck out. “Yeah..” he lets out a watery laugh. “If I was a girl, you would not be here right now with me. You would be with some other pathetic boy, stringing him along too.. so yeah, I wish I was a fucking girl too. Cause at least right now I wouldn't be here, falling apart over you!” his accent slipping through the cracks of his voice. 

“Eiji-” 

Eiji threw his pack of his cigarettes at Ash's chest. “Go smoke, drink beer, fuck some girl! Marry her, start a family, get the whole white picket fence house bullshit. The true american dream! But at night, when you two lay together. You'll never be satisfied with yourself.” Eiji stood up from the ground, his movements shaky from anger. “Whatever the fuck you do. Don't come back for me. I'm done.” 

Eiji strides past Ash, knocking his shoulder against his. 

Ash didn't chase after him. 

God, Eiji wishes he did. At least one time. 

Nobody asked why there were tears in Eiji's eyes. 

** 

Texts. Voicemails. A bunch of missed phone calls. 

Eiji was tempted to just throw the phone out the window or mash it with a hammer. 

All from Ash.  

Drunk and lonely Ash. 

That was the only time the man was his. That one piece of him he got to call his own. 

Eiji was starting to feel sick to his core. 

Yet here he was standing in front of the man's apartment. 

Dressed like pretty woman. 

He wore a dark, wavy haired wig that fell over his shoulders. Clean faced, colored in simple make up. Soft peach colored lipstick, kohl on his eyelids with a light eyeshadow. Some concealer and blush to cover up some blemishes, scars, and beauty marks. 

A tight little blue, checkered skirt that reached by a few cemeteries above his knees. With a simple white blouse. Where underneath he wore a matching bralette that cups his chest. Black stockings that reached his thighs that went along nicely with the boots he wore. Over his outfit he wore a dark leather jacket to complete it. 

It was the complete opposite of Eiji. 

Eiji banged on the door with his fist. 

A few seconds later Ash opens the door. 

Shocked green eyes met dark star-like eyes. 

“Eiji.. is that..you?” 

Eiji barrels through the door, kicking it shut behind him with his boot. “Ash.” 

Ash backs up, his eyes couldn't stop roaming every angle of the other man's body. “Eiji. What is this..?” 

“What you wanted. A girl.” 

A look of regret shutters across Ash's face. “Eiji..” 

“I'm not wearing any panties. You could fuck me in this tight skirt, nice and easy.” 

Vulgar. That wasn't Eiji. He hated it. Sure he mouthed off. But not like this.

Ash has never seen this side of Eiji before, cold and aloof. 

“Birdie..” 

Eiji slips off the leather jacket that happens to be Ash’s that he borrowed from a long time ago. Dropping it to the floor. Then unties his lacey top, revealing his matching bralette. 

Ash almost chokes on his tongue at the sight. His eyes drawn to the nipples poking through the fabric. “Fuck..” he breathes out, feeling a heated pressure tighten in his groin. 

“Don't worry about down there, I taped up.. all you need to focus on is getting that cock into my tight little hole..” Eiji strides towards him in a liquid smooth walk. 

“Don't talk about yourself like that.” Ash snaps, narrowing his eyes at him. Trying to focus on anything else other than those confident swaying hips. 

Eiji grabs him by the hand, guiding him to the ratty couch by the window. Eiji lets go, to open the curtains and the window. “Don't worry, if anyone sees or hears. All they'll notice is another girl that Ash Lynx scored for the night. Just treat me like any other of your girls, Ash.” 

Ash’s mouth dries, “You're not just like any of- and they're not my girls..!” 

But god, that tiny part of himself that he always hides wanted Eiji to be his. And he wanted to be Eiji's. 

Eiji stares at him, sitting on top of the window seal before spreading his legs. “Just fuck me.” Licking his lips, “I'm your girl tonight.” 

Ash knew if he did this, he'd never see Eiji again. That this was the last time. This will be it. 

The end.  

God, he could use a drink. 

He'll never see Eiji again. 

He won't be able to call him. 

Hear his voice. 

His laugh. 

See his smile. 

Feel his arms wrapped around him. 

Dry his tears away. 

Eiji holding his hair back after he drank too much again. Rub his back, his forehead in comfort. 

His scent will dissolve from his bed sheets and hoodies. 

Shitty natto or street cart hot dogs shared at dawn when they both pulled all nighters. 

Coffee kisses. 

Eiji dragging him out of bed. 

Stealing Shorter's motorcycle together and taking off to wherever. 

Sharing a shower together, skin to skin while the water rains down on them. 

Dancing in the kitchen at three in the morning. 

Summer trips to Cape Cod. 

Chasing each other in the fields. 

Climbing up trees and diving into the lake. 

Late night convenience store trips. 

Long days spent at the library. 

Kissing each other's scars in the dark. 

He'll lose all that. 

He'll lose Eiji. 

Maybe he'll be alright. 

Maybe Eiji isn't the love of his life. 

Maybe he's just some guy he knew, he got curious about. 

He's just a phase. 

A phase of his life. 

He'll forget. He'll forget him. 

It's nothing. He's nothing. 

Ash unbuckles his belt. 

** 

“Nnh! Fuck! You feel so good..” Ash moans into Eiji's neck, driving his cock in and out of his hole. 

Eiji laid there, staring out the window, his legs spread open across the bed, feeling the stretch and burn in his hole. Ash has his fingers intertwined with his, clutching his hand by his head as he nips at his collarbone. 

Ash was always so careful, loving, and gentle when they had sex. Even while he actually let himself loose. 

There was no love in this. Eiji was lying to himself. 

He didn't want to reach out and pull the man fucking him closer. 

Hold him. 

Kiss his nose and forehead. 

Rub his back. 

Whisper sweet nonsense into his ear. 

Feel his rapid heartbeat against his own. 

Run his fingers through his hair. 

Love him. Cherish him. Adore him. 

He doesn't. 

Eiji has always been a bad liar. 

‘I hope you leave a mark on me forever, Ash. I hope it burns every time I think about you.’ 

Eiji clenches around Ash's thrusting cock. Lips parted, letting out short gasps and moans. 

‘I hope one day.. you'll look in the mirror and see how magnificent you are. That one day.. you'll love freely. Don't be scared of that feeling, Ash. When you're in love. Don't let it slip away. Don't let anyone shun you for it.’ 

** 

Eiji could still feel the puffiness and stretch in his hole after the activities last night. Could still feel the way how Ash’s cock felt spread inside him. His seed stained between his cheeks. 

Eiji glances at the other man curled up. Some strands of gold sticking to the side of Ash’s flushed face, his mouth open slightly as he slept. Eiji smiles, his expression softening at the sight. He looked truly at peace. Tucking the strand of hair behind Ash’s ear, his thumb rubbing the shell of it. He leans closer to press a kiss on top of the sleeping man's head. “I love you, Aslan Jade Callenreese. Don't you forget that, you are so loved.” 

Eiji gets up from the bed, grabbing the rest of the blanket to cover up Ash. Who snuggled further into it. 

Eiji runs his fingers through his hair one last time. 

Then leaves down the fire escape. 

** 

Years passed. 

Ash never did see Eiji again. Not even at graduation. 

Eiji's not even in New York anymore. When his dad died. The Okumura family scattered. Eiji’s grandma went back to Izumo. Eiji’s mother remarried. Eiji’s sister started college out of state. He just up and left..  

He still talks to some of the friends in the friend group. 

Never seen though. No one knew where he lived. Or what he was doing. 

He became a ghost. 

Ash still kissed girls and guys. Fucked them. Never tried to love them, too afraid. 

Some of his friends knew he liked men. They never judged him, they loved him. 

Griffin didn't care, supported him as always. Even wink, and said he felt the same. His new step mother, Jennifer was supportive and kind even when Jim talked shit. Eventually smacking him when he started spitting bullshit. They just kept loving him and giving him a hard time about other shit in life. Max, his brother's best friend. Was another strong support. Liked giving him a hard time. 

His mother hadn't talked to him, which he wasn't surprised. Still came around when she needed something. Nothing new. 

He went to med school and university, and opened up a rehabilitation center afterwards. Creating a safe space and place for second chances for people. Maybe one day his mother will walk in and ask for help. 

He does some coding on the side, creating a security program. That'll be launching soon. Government hates it but honestly fuck them and the white house. 

Ash never forgot Eiji Okumura. 

No matter how many times Ash denied it. But Eiji was not nothing to him. He wasn't a phase. An experiment or experience. 

He misses him. 

Well that was putting it lightly. 

Ash carried bandaids in his pockets now. Avoided walking by the cafe that Eiji used to work at. Didn't stop by the hot dog carts on his visits to the library. Always had to curse himself whenever he bought Eiji's favorite Pocky snack or peach milk tea when he visited the convenience store. Felt hollowness in his chest when he went out shopping for some shoes and saw a yellow bucket hat. Reminding him of the summers Eiji used to wear them with cutesy character pins pinned to them. Or the colorful bandanas he wrapped around his hair to keep dark bangs out of his face. 

He hated tea but drank it on those stormy days where his mind got way too loud for him. 

He really did love him.. 

He was in love. 

He didn't know at the time… no, he did. He just didn't listen. He ignored it. Buried it deep. 

Ash likes to imagine that Eiji eventually did move back to Japan. In Izumo. His old home town. That he's living in a peaceful area, that's vibrant, and full of color for his photography. Growing his hair out, he would look pretty with long hair too. Maybe wear those stupid bucket hats, or a sun hat, or bandana. 

Maybe he finally got that cat or dog he's been wanting since he was a child. Hell, maybe he got both. 

He tinkers around with new recipes to cook, tries gardening on those lazy Sundays. Read manga on the porch on a cushion swing set. Still exercises, maybe yoga since he was always such a health nut. He knew he couldn't vault after his accident. But he finds his passion through photography. His home, despite having a pet. It is always clean, looks cozy and lived in. Him wearing a soft pink yukata during those summer festivals. Running around the beach with his dog. Laughing. God, did Ash really love that laugh. He goes to work at a job that he actually loves.. 

Maybe he's with some great guy that loves him right. Maybe they'll marry, it's legal. Well, in the US it is. They'll adopt kids or maybe they're happy with their own little family. Even though jealousy eats at him thinking of Eiji smiling, and giving those bright eyes to someone else. 

Eiji would make a great father though. 

Ash always has those thoughts. It's what keeps him going most days. 

To quail the desperation and ache to reach out to him. 

God, does he want to. 

Ash will always regret that night. And the many before that. 

**

One day in December, a letter came in the mail. 

Ash knew right away from the writing on the envelope who it was from. 

Eiji. 

And it shattered all of Ash's expectations and dreams of his first love. 

“... My treatment starts today at eight in the morning. I'm honestly a little scared.. I never thought I would get cancer. My father died from liver disease. But it happens. This is my second time going in. They thought I was in the clear.. but it came back. And it's worse. It's spreading. Aslan.. I think I'm going to actually die. I feel like I'm rotting inside nowadays.. I'm so tired. 

Ash.. I love you. 

It's beyond selfish to dump this on you after so many years of radio silence. 

But I never told you. 

Not while you're awake. 

Maybe in the next universe we'll get it right. 

I'll be your actual girl. 

And you'll be my guy. 

Though you have to know, I will always be yours regardless. 

I left my summer home in cape cod to you, it's not in the area where you grew up though. I also left my townhouse in Greenwich to you. Along with all of my photos and plans for my exhibits. And a hefty sum I dividend that will be left to you, my sister, Ibe-san, Sing, and Shorter. I'm sorry there's not much more I could give you. 

And my pets!

Meet Buddy and Lucky. 

Lucky might be skittish at first. She didn't come from a good home, I'm afraid.. She's missing one eye and her ear was clipped. And has a clover like patch on her chest. 

Buddy just loves everyone! So you should be fine. 

Take care of them. They're gonna love you. 

Buddy loves playing fetch with a wretch. Don't ask why. 

Lucky loves the snow and eating fireflies. She's quirky but we love her. 

Ash.. it'll be okay. You'll be okay. 

I love you. 

I love you. 

I love you. 

Wow, it's so nice to actually tell you.. 

And I'll love you in the next life. 

My soul is always with you. 

Yours, Eiji.”

Ash didn't drink. He hasn't for a long time. But he did cry. 

He sobbed and screamed till he couldn't anymore. 

He let himself be free. 

** 

“Eiji Okumura..”

The receptionist at the front pointed down the long hall of rooms. “Room 616.” 

Ash carried the flowers he had in hands, sunflowers and a single forget me not. 

When he reached the room, he hardly recognized Eiji. 

He was obviously a little older, matured. Glasses slipping over the crook of his nose. He had a sage green soft looking beanie over his head, covering up the short cropped thin hair he had left. His no longer tan skin was colored in a sickish gray. He was thin.. so much weight was lost. His pink and white cardigan looked baggy on him now, slipping down on one of his shoulders. 

He was breathtaking. 

Beautiful. 

“Eiji..” 

Exhausted, gorgeous brown eyes opened up to him. A weary smile spreading across those soft looking lips that Ash missed kissing and seeing a smug grin on. 

“Hey, Ash.. probably could use that wig right about now.” 

** 

“Ash.. it's late. Where are we going?” Eiji rubs at his eyes, his head falling back against the wheelchair. Tired. Drained from today's round of chemo. 

Ash kisses the top of his head, brushing his lips against the fabric of his beanie. “Gonna get married. Then buy some street hot dogs doused with mustard and onions to celebrate.” 

Eiji snorts, “I don't think my doctor would like that food choice, especially with my upcoming surgery. God.. how are you even alive, still eating that.” 

Ash pushes him through the sliding doors, heading to the hospital chapel. “What about getting married?” 

There was a brief pause. 

“You should've gotten on one knee, you jerk. I want the whole shebang.” Eiji taunts. 

Ash grins, “I always knew you were a hopeless romantic.” 

Eiji grabs his hand, “Eh, only for you.” 

Ash stops at the front doors of the chapel, steering Eiji to face him before he drops to one knee. Gripping Eiji's hand still, “Will you marry me, Eiji Okumura? I don't want to wait for the next life. I want the whole white picket fence with you in this one. We already got the dog and cat. If I could impregnate you right now so we could start a family-” 

“Oh god, Ash. Shut the fuck up-” Eiji chokes out a laugh. “There's adoption, you dumbass.” 

Ash can't stop grinning from ear to ear. “You would make such a wonderful father. Tons better than my deadbeat old man.” 

“Aslan..” 

“I want it all with you. I want to grow old with you.. I don't want to deny that part of myself anymore, I don't want to deny you.. I'm so sorry, I'm late.. but I'm here now. I'm not letting you go.” 

“Ash, I'm sick.. it's-” 

“There's still a chance, there's still hope. The doctor's said so. Just please keep trying.. I know you're tired. But I'll be right here, with you, holding you up. Please, Eiji..” Ash looks up at Eiji, his summer green eyes swelling up with tears. Clutching Eiji's hand in his hands.

Eiji cups his face, his thumb rubbing over Ash’s stubbled chin. “Beard..” 

Ash manages to let out a watery chuckle, “You would focus on that..” 

Eiji leans over to kiss Ash’s forehead, “Let's get married. I will marry you, Aslan Jade Callenreese. And.. I'll try.” 

It was one of the best things Ash ever heard in his life.