Chapter Text
Returning home after the trip to Hershey was a good feeling. Saying goodbye to Spencer had been… hard. But then it always was, and Buck knew it would always be a little difficult. But he and Spencer always made it work. It didn’t matter how far apart they were, Spencer was always a phone call away. Just one simple call away.
If Buck needed him then if there was one thing he knew it was that Spencer would come running, he always had before after all. The distance was annoying but it didn’t stop them from being as close as they always had been.
It was comforting, something he knew he could always hold on to. No matter how much he missed Spencer.
So yeah, the goodbyes weren’t easy.
When Buck said his goodbyes to Spencer he clung just a little tighter than he had the last time, had lingered a moment longer than he had last time, and Spencer had taken a moment longer too, pressing his face into Buck’s soft curls and whispering him to him that he’d be okay.
Rina had hugged Spencer before they parted ways, and demanded that he visit LA as soon as he could so that he could see some of her paintings. Apparently she’d been more than a little inspired by the butterfly atrium and she was excited to start painting as soon as she got home.
Even the prospect of a ten hour flight couldn’t dampen the girls mood, though by the time they were home she had no choice but to admit that she was too tired to do much painting.
Instead they simply ordered some pizza and had a chilled out movie night.
He sent out a series of texts after carrying Rina up to her bedroom and carefully tucking her in.
That was something he would make the most of while he could. She was already too old for it really, but that little smile she had on her lips as she’d rolled onto her side and grabbed at one of the stuffed teddys he’d got her was telling. She might nearly be a teenager, but Rina was still a kid. She still had that innocence that Buck would fight tooth and nail to protect.
As long as he could savor moments like that he would.
After that he headed into his room to send a whole bunch of texts, letting Maddie and his team know that he was back home. That everything was settled and he was doing better. That they didn’t need to worry about him.
He got several texts in response.
Maddie responded quickly of course, checking in that he was definitely okay, she’d been incredibly worried after Chim had told her what happened at the station.
She’d had questions of course, but Buck had deflected them well enough, though a part of him felt guilty. How long could he keep what had happened to him when he was a teenager a secret? It would come out eventually and yet… Buck wasn’t ready for that. Wasn’t sure he ever could be ready to tell his newer family the full truth. Even now he found it damn near impossible to talk about.
Hen had checked in to make sure he was okay too, as had Chim, who had reminded him that Maddie had been worried sick and if he hadn’t ready texted her could be please do so asap; and that had made Buck smile, feeling a rush of affection for the older man.
Bobby texted him too, telling him he was glad that Buck was home and that they’d talk at the start of the next shift about what had happened.
Eddie’s made him smile a little.
Good. Beers on me, Chris and I’ll be over in the morning to hang out for the day.
Not a question, a simple statement, Eddie would be there, one way or another. Buck could appreciate that, and he always enjoy seeing Chris and it was a Sunday so it wasn’t as if either of the kids had school. They could have a nice quiet day in just all hanging out before it was back to work on the Monday. Maybe they could order in food and watch a bunch of Disney movies, that always made both Chris and Rina happy as long as they picked ones both kids would like.
And sure enough, not long after Buck and Rina had finished their breakfast Buck heard the door unlock and he grinned to himself, pausing in the middle of washing the dishes.
Rina had already headed back upstairs to get to work with her painting, though she’d said something about making sure she had some paper and paints set aside for Chris to use.
“Kitchen!” he called the word easily before, “Rina’s upstairs Chris. Ri! Chris is here sweetie!”
“I’m coming! Chris I’ll grab your crutches.” And Buck found himself smiling proudly at the sound of his daughters voice and the fast thuds of her rushing out from her bedroom and barrelling down the stairs.
She always, without fail, came down and helped Chris get up the stairs, carrying his crutches up for him, since he used the banister for balance, and standing behind him so that she could help the boy if he fell, make sure he didn’t get too hurt. She protected him. And Buck loved her all the more for that.
And a moment later Eddie appeared in the doorway into the kitchen, holding up a pack of beer. “You provide lunch and I’ll order us Chinese later. Sound fair Buckley.”
“A good compromise.” Buck grinned at the other man, “I’m glad you’re here Eddie.”
“So, are you okay?” Eddie raised an eyebrow “I was more than a little worried when you sent a text saying you were leaving town for a few days right after the incident at work. Considered coming over but I figured you’d be gone before my shift ended.”
“I’m good.” Buck set down the dish he’d just washed, turning so that he was leaning back against the counter, watching Eddie set the beer down on the table. “Don’t give me that look. I am I promise.” Buck laughed despite himself. “Do I not look okay to you Eddie?”
“Hmmm.” Eddie’s eyes narrowed, but there was a flicker of amusement in his expression, “I guess you seem okay, yeah, yeah you look pretty good to me. But dude if you’re not that’s okay-“
“Eddie I am. I mean not perfect but.. I dealt with some of what was bugging me. I plan on selling the property. Should get a good chunk of money.” It was in a damn good neighbourhood. The property was work at least 300k, if not 400. Maybe more to the right buyer. Buck was doing most of that stuff over the phone. He didn’t have to go back there to sell it with the real estate agent acting as a go between.
“Huh.” Eddie watched him for a moment before, “Well you do look a lot better than you did.”
“I feel it.” Buck gave the other man a reassuring look, “I promise Eddie.” He paused, “So, did I miss much.”
“Eh, the shift wasn’t too bad.” Eddie hummed. “I uh- do have some other news. It’s not a big deal or anything but… I figure you deserve to know since you were the one telling me I needed to deal with it. You were right about that one.”
“You do?” Buck found himself leaning forward slightly, “Come on then Eddie. What is it? I mean obviously I was right about whatever it was, but what is it I was right about?”
“Shannon and I finally figured out what the hell we’re actually doing.” And that explained why Eddie looked almost… lighter. More free than he had since Shannon had first come back into his and Chris’ lives.
Buck knew it was hard for Eddie, trying to figure out where everyone stood. He could understand that. The situation with Shannon was a complicated one in ways Buck was sure he didn’t fully understand what Eddie was going through since it wasn’t his life. He’d never been in that situation. Oh he could examine the psychology behind it all day but that would be weird. Eddie was his friend. He didn’t need to psychoanalyze the other man. He just needed to be there for him. To support him in whatever he and Shannon had decided they were doing. Because clearly Eddie was content with his decision.
“So what are you doing then?” Buck hummed, a curious look on his face. “I know you said you kept falling into bed because that’s what felt natural because that’s what you always did.” And if Buck wanted to there could be so so much to unpack there.
“Yeah. Yeah it is.” Eddie hummed, “I mean- Shan and I were both kids when we got together. She was my best friend. It just… seemed the natural thing to do. And then Shan got pregnant. We weren’t... I mean we hadn’t even been together long.” Eddie rolled his shoulders, exhaling, “So we did the only thing we could. I mean our parents were furious and I mean it was what we were supposed to do. What I was taught would happen someday. Meet a girl, get married, have kids. We messed up the order but I mean. We were married when Chris was born.” His brows furrowed.
“I ran. I mean I told you that already. I told you how I ran.”
Buck nodded, watching Eddie carefully as the man spoke, “I don’t think Shan and I ever really spent more than a few months together. We never really dated y’know? We were married young. And whenever I was home we did what.. you know, married people do. It’s not like I didn’t enjoy it.” Eddie’s face was just slightly flushed and Buck had to stop himself from laughing. “But… Shan and I talked and we both realised that it was never because we wanted each other. It was because it was what we were supposed to do.”
“Oof.” Buck winced, “Now that is a hell of a realisation to have.”
“Oh yeah. We talk a lot about it. We’ve decided it’s better if we’re friends.” Eddie admitted. “For us and for Chris because if we keep going the way we were it would fuck up and lead to more trauma for him.”
“Which is the one thing you want to avoid.” Buck nodded. “That makes sense. So, you’re just friends now.”
“Yeah. We are.” Eddie shot Buck a small smile, “It’s a good change. Honestly I thought I’d be upset or something but I was just so relieved y’know? I missed my friend Shannon. It felt like I lost her when we got married.” Eddie snorted.
“Woah.” Buck’s eyes narrowed in mock suspicion, “Tell me she’s not about to replace me as your best friend Diaz or I might just have to have words with her-“
“Hey, a man can have two best friends.” Eddie laughed, rolling his eyes, “And you know, technically Buckley you replaced her as my best friend. She’d be reclaiming her original position-“
“Betrayal!” Buck clutched at his chest, letting out a feigned noise of pain. “I don’t know if my heart can take it-“
“You are such a dumbass.” And Buck found himself almost… surprised, by the fondness in Eddie’s expression. It made his chest feel kind of tight and warm in a way he couldn’t quite explain. “Besides, no ones replacing anyone Buck. Haven’t you ever had a best friend before me?”
Buck froze, his eyes wide at that- and Eddie frowned, his expression softening, “Buck? Are you okay?”
“I uh- I know it’s kinda early but- I think I could use one of those beers right now.” And now that had Eddie looking worried.
Buck didn’t tend to drink before midday, and it was still early.
Even so Eddie grabbed one of the beers, cracking it open and handing it to Buck. “Okay. Now you have me worried Buck. Why would you need a beer to talk about best friends?”
Buck took a long swig of the beer before he responded, taking a deep breath. “Her name was Samara. We were kids.” He swallowed hard, “I met her after Maddie left with Doug. She kept me sane. Stopped me from losing my shit entirely. Living with my parents… it was hard. They were not good parents, and she gave me an escape. Honestly if things had been different we might have fallen in love. Gotten married one day.” He saw Eddie nodding slowly, the curious concerned look on his face making Buck’s chest ache.
“What happened? The way you’re talking about her I doubt you two just fell apart.”
“She died.” Buck whispered the words. “She died and my world fell apart. I was fourteen and my best friend died.”
“Oh Buck.” Eddie was moving automatically, taking the bottle from Buck’s hand and setting it on the side before pulling Buck into a hug.
And Buck was melting into the hug, pressing his face into Eddie’s shoulder, letting a few tears fall, seeping into his shirt.
“The- the man who left me the house.” Buck shifted a little, lifting his head. “He was responsible for what happened to her.” The phrasing was vague enough, Buck knew Eddie would come to his own conclusions. People so rarely jumped to murder unless it was outright stated or at least implied a lot more strongly.
He watched Eddie’s eyes widened, saw the realisation flickering across his face. And he wondered what assumption Eddie was coming to. Buck was being pretty vague, and he knew most people wouldn’t jump to cold blooded murder, especially not when it involved a kid. Not even Eddie who’d been in the army would be that used to the idea of just how evil people could be.
The natural assumption was that it was probably an accident of some kind and the man was at fault. Which would explain leaving Buck a whole fucking house and it would explain Buck’s violent reaction back at the firehouse.
After all, to someone like Eddie… he doubted the other man could even fathom the idea that the house had been left to Buck as a sick taunt and not some sort of apology.
“I’m sorry.” Eddie shifted a little, resting his chin on the top of Buck’s head- which was strange since Buck was taller. But it felt nice.
Comforting. It helped ease something in Buck.
“I think she’d have liked you.” Buck admitted that softly, “She’d say you’re good for me. I always needed someone to help keep me level.” Someone who could listen to him ramble on and info dump with that fond smile. Someone who stopped him from spiralling and kept him steady.
Samara had done that.
Then Spencer and now…
Now Buck had Eddie. It was a comforting thought.
“Funny thing, Shannon says you’re good for me too.” Eddie let Buck pull back, watching him carefully. “Apparently she’s seen me smile more in the time she’s been around me now than I ever did while we were married. And according to her that’s mostly because of you. And Chris obviously but she seems to think you’re a big part of that. I told her what you did. With Carla-“
“Eddie-“
“You saved me. Seriously Buck. I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much what you did that day meant to me.”
“You’re my best friend Eddie. I would have done more for you if I could.”
“You’re there.” Eddie gave Buck a soft look, and there was something in it that Buck couldn’t quite name, “The fact that you are there every day. It’s enough. Its so much more than enough Buck.”
“I’d have done it for anyone Eddie. You needed some help and I mean, I knew that I could give you that help. Besides Chris is one of the best kids in the world, I love him so much. And I mean, it turned out great for both of us Eds, what with me taking in Rina. She loves having Chris around. I just wish I could do more.”
“I know. That’s part of what makes you special.” Eddie squeezed his shoulder gently. “Shannon’s right. I’m lucky to have you.” And… again there was something there. In the way he was looking at Buck.
As though he was something more precious than any gemstone.
It had Buck blushing, pulling away a little.
Right now?
Whatever it was that had Eddie looking at Buck like that… Buck wasn’t ready.
Not right now.
Not when everything was still so raw.
Jakemans death had unearthed old wounds that were sensitive again. Buck knew that he needed to give himself the time to let them heal over again.
And Eddie must have seen something in his expression because he gave a small smile. “Relax Buckley. We’re all good. Now, wanna go check on our kids?”
…
Buck headed into the firehouse early the next morning, heading straight up to Bobby’s office, where he knew the other man would be waiting for him.
He could admit he was a little nervous. Buck knew he got more leeway than anyone else in the 118 did. He and Bobby were close, the man had taken him under his wing when he’d been lost and trying to find his footing in his new life, away from the structure and support that he’d had for ten years thanks to Spencer and the team.
He appreciated that fact a lot.
Buck had never actually had a dad who gave a shit, the closest he’d come to a dad had probably been Hotch, though no. No that wasn’t quite right. Hotch felt more like an uncle.
He'd had Spencer of course, but Spencer had only been ten years older than him. He’d never tried to act like a parent, their relationship had always been that of siblings, very close siblings, Spencer had raised him through his teenage years. But still, siblings, brothers in all but blood.
But Bobby? Bobby came pretty close to what Buck felt a dad should be. And he had a feeling that Bobby felt the same way about him.
That maybe when he looked at Buck he saw not a coworker or subordinate but a son.
But even Buck knew there were limits. Buck had damn near attacked a man in the middle of the firehouse, had pretty much threatened to kill him.
That? That was fireable. Bobby would have been easily able to justify telling Buck to get his things and not come back after that, no matter why Buck had done it.
He'd gotten off far lighter than literally anyone else would have.
But that didn’t mean he wasn’t dreading having to talk to Bobby about what had happened.
It was the fact that Bobby wouldn’t even be angry. He could already imagine the disappointed look on the older mans face and it made his stomach clench uncomfortably.
But he had to face it sooner or later. He knew he’d been stupid. Oh he’d had good reason to be upset, and PTSD was a bitch, he’d been triggered and that was understandable but that didn’t make threatening that asshole the right thing to do.
No. No he had fucked up. And this was going to be him paying for that by having to deal with the disappointed look on Bobby’s face again.
But he could handle it. As much as he was dreading it, Buck knew that he could handle this.
Unsurprisingly Bobby was waiting for Buck when he arrived, sat in his office, and when Buck knocked on the door he was waved inside.
He shut the door behind him, shooting Bobby a hesitant smile, “Hey Cap.”
“You look better than you did last time I saw you.” Bobby was watching Buck carefully as the younger man pulled out the chair on his side of the desk and sat down, his expression soft.
“I feel better.” Buck swallowed hard, “Bobby- I know I was out of line. I- I tried to attack a man and that… it’s not acceptable.”
“Buck-“ Bobby sighed heavily. “I don’t know what was going on. I could tell that you were uncomfortable. And he clearly knew that he was making you uncomfortable and he kept pushing. I can understand why you struggled to control yourself, even if I don’t know the full circumstances of whatever was going on with that… inheritance. I understand that he clearly should have stopped pushing- and he certainly shouldn’t have come here to deal with it. But Buck… you need to be able to control yourself better than that. I need to know I can trust you not to lose it on me.”
“You can.” Buck swallowed hard, hating the look on the other mans face. “Bobby I swear you can trust me.”
“Can I? Buck you nearly killed him. I know- I know things have been hard for you lately with Doug and-“
“The man who left me the house was my teacher when I was fourteen“ not everything but maybe- “He destroyed my life. I uh- I don’t-“ Buck had to swallow hard, trying desperately to draw some moisture into a suddenly too dry mouth. “It’s… hard. To talk about.”
Bobby’s brows furrowed, and Buck could see him stiffen as he thought through some of the possible explanations.
“N-not like that.” Buck managed to shake his head, “Not in the way you’re thinking. He wasn’t a Paedophile. Or a Hebephile. But he was a bad person. And him leaving me that house wasn’t some sort of apology it was a way to rub my face in the fact that he still has power. He can still remind me of it, even when he’s dead and gone.” Buck jumped a little when he felt a warm hand grabbing his, squeezing it where it rested on Bobby’s desk.
“I can understand why you lashed out Buck. Especially since the lawyer clearly knew more about… whatever happened, than I do and he still chose to do it here.” He sighed. “Do I have your word that nothing like that will happen again Buck?”
“Yes.” Buck took a deep breath, “Of course you do Cap. I am so sorry I did it. I should have- I should have just left when I realised. I should have walked out I shouldn’t have let it build and build until I exploded. I knew I was on the edge. I should have forced myself to step back.”
“You should have. But hindsight is 20/20. I could see how hard you were trying to keep yourself controlled. But if anything like this happens again you need to say something to me and walk away. I won’t ever hold that against you.”
“I will I promise.” Buck gave a weak smile, “And- I did spend my time off dealing with some of what happened. I went back to Hershey with Rina. I- I think I did what I needed to.”
“Good.” Bobby nodded, “What will you do about the house?”
“I have some calls to me. I’m going to sell it.” Buck hummed, “I mean, practicality wise I think it would be a good idea. I could just refuse the inheritance but… I dunno. In a weird way that feels almost like it’d be letting him win. At least this way I get something out of it. I don’t know how much it’ll sell for but I’d say it’s got to be at least $300,000.” His lips twitched at the look on Bobby’s face.
“Don’t tell Chim that kid.” He shook himself, a fond glint in his eyes, “Or he might just start crying about how unfair it is that you have a house and you’re selling a second property.”
“What can I say, I have a good amount in savings already.” Which was true enough. Hell he hadn’t even had any college debt because when Rossi joined the team he insisted on paying for Buck’s college.
He could admit he had a hell of a lot of privileges that most people could never dream of.
But of course the counterbalance there was the fact that he only had those privileges because of what had happened- and that… well. Buck personally knew that very few people would put themselves through what he had just for the financial security he had now.
He had suffered and fought and he’d earned the life he had. He was proud of it.