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Ugh.
Why did Jason have to skip the family’s weekly dinner?
He’s missing out on so much tea.
Which is exactly why Dick stood outside his apartment, two iced coffees in one hand and unlocked Jason’s door with the other, entering like he always does— uninvited and without knocking.
Jason better be damn thankful that Dick’s a nice, good, caring older brother who goes out of his way to drop by and gossip (and he travelled thirty minutes to do so!)— because obviously, it's Dick’s duty to keep him updated on the latest family drama.
And this particular drama? Oh, it involved almost everyone.
Dick’s been dying to spill ever since Tim told him what he overheard Bruce say to Steph— which completely contradicts what he told Cass.
He even brought receipts for Jason.
But instead of his brother greeting him, it was Jason’s little fuzzy void with murder mittens— Dick’s baby— and he assumed that Jason’s either asleep, dead, or doing something he doesn't want anyone to see.
“Hi, baby,” Dick cooed, placing their coffee down onto the counter to scratch Austen behind her ears, who purred contentedly. “I haven't seen you in a while.”
The cat meowed like she understood what he said, nudging her tiny head against his leg before flopping onto her side and rolling around, demanding for more attention.
He knelt down obligingly, giving the little ball of void a belly rub— Austen’s the only cat he knew that loved belly rubs— purring uncontrollably like a chainsaw.
Dick chuckled softly like a proud dad, lifted her up to pepper her innocent face with kisses. “You’re such a sweet girl. You wouldn't skip family dinners, would you?”
The only answer he got was a soft swat on his cheek and more purring.
He’s definitely going to steal her later.
“C’mon, let’s go find your disaster of a father, shall we?” Dick whispered conspiratorially to the cat and carried Austen further into the apartment. The two of them moved through the hallway like a duo of sneaky little burglars.
They were halfway through the living room when he heard voices coming from the bedroom. The door was closed. But that wasn't what stopped him. What really stopped him in his tracks was the tone— it sounded like bickering.
A voice filtered through the door, low and challenging. “Keep running your mouth like that and see how far that gets you, you asshole.”
Okay. So. Jason was home. With someone?
Then, there was a laugh.
A very familiar laugh.
One that belonged to one of his best friends.
Well, they are dating. Dick shouldn't be too surprised to find Roy at Jason’s apartment.
“Yeah? You’ve been saying that for fifteen minutes now. Starting to think you like the sound of your own threats, Jaybird.”
Huh.
There's a shift. A beat of silence before it was cut off by Roy’s gasp. “Wait— Jay. Ho—hold on. Fuck— warn a guy!” Dick heard his voice breaking in a groan at the end.
Which was… hmm.
“You never want me to. You like it messy,” was Jason’s reply. His voice was softer, and there’s something about it… there’s something… oh no. There’s something weird about Jason’s voice. A little too thick. Like his mouth was— nope.
Nope, nope, nope.
Then, there was a noise.
Oh my fucking Batfuck.
He didn't know how to describe it— just that it was wet. Inappropriate. Very, might he add. And so, very specific. Also terribly familiar. Dick’s soul almost ascended early and his brain stuttered to a stop.
Austen meowed like she needed therapy.
“Oh my God,” Dick whispered to the void in his arms, mortified as he tried to cover her ears like she was the one getting traumatised. “Oh my fucking God.”
Roy cursed again on the other end of the door, breathless in a way that Dick wanted to bash his own head into a wall just to forget it.
Which— fine. Not the first time he’s heard Roy like that. They did fool around a lot when they were younger. No feelings, no strings, just chaos and questionable decisions.
But that was years ago! Years!
There's a difference between “hearing your hot dumb bestie moan in a stupid friends with benefits type of situation when you’re nineteen and twenty two and reckless” and “hearing your baby brother actively rail said bestie, while you’re holding his cat like a support animal.”
God. He was going to die here.
On Jason’s ugly brown thrifted carpet (or was that blood?). Surrounded by the sound and image of his best friend getting pounded by his little, innocent brother. While holding a purring cat like a therapy plushie. This was it. This was how he went out.
Cause of death: accidentally walking in on his brother fucking his long time best friend.
“Okay,” he whispered to Austen, grimacing as he backed away slowly. “We’re gonna pretend we never heard that. You didn't hear that. I didn't hear that. Nobody heard anything.”
Austen blinked at him like she was deeply judging him for his choices.
Which, rude, because he’s saving her life too. But he can't get mad at her— she’s his baby!
Dick spun around— only to freeze again when something thudded against the bedroom wall. Followed by what sounded suspiciously like Jason growling, “Told you not to run your mouth.”
And then more wet sounds.
He almost dropped the cat.
“Why this is my life,” he muttered in disbelief, clutching Austen tighter as if she could protect him from the reality that Roy was, in fact, loudly and enthusiastically hooking up with his little brother.
Dick stumbled toward the kitchen, the iced coffees sweating in sync with him as he prayed a bottle of vodka would help erase his memory somehow.
Was there any in the apartment? Surely Jason has some. Would it be morally wrong to rummage through his brother’s cabinets while trying to forget said brother’s sex noises?
Probably.
Does he care?
No. Not at all.
He let Austen hop onto his shoulders and started rummaging through the cabinets like a man possessed. But he was careful to not let Austen fall.
“Where the hell does he keep— ah, jackpot.”
He popped the cap open and took a swing before dashing out of the apartment with Austen on his shoulder and the vodka in his hand. Iced coffee and gossip? Abandoned. Dignity? Lost somewhere in the living room.
And as a good brother, he, of course, shut the door before leaving.
No need to traumatise Jason’s neighbours.
…If they weren't already traumatised, that was.
As Dick finally made it out of the apartment, Austen meowed in protest, clearly not thrilled by the sudden change of scenery.
“Sorry, princess,” Dick muttered, pulling her down into his arms and bouncing her gently in his arms like a literal baby. She was, after all, his baby now. “But I’m not letting you get PTSD. They suck— a lot.”
With a shudder, he took another swing of the vodka as he power-walked aimlessly, whipping out his phone to text the groupchat they shared.
Dick: a reminder to everyone!! knock. always FUCKING knock.
Dick: oh and i need to find a way to bleach my ears somehow :’(
Austen chirruped in what sounded like agreement.