Archive of Our Own

Personal space was always something that Eddie shared with Buck. It happened so naturally that he had never thought too much about it, never considered that it was too much or that it could cause his heart to ache instead of flutter. At least, not until he was unable to separate the space between them. Then it became unbearable.

For a number of reasons.

Probably the most significant being that he realised that he was in love with Buck.

There wasn’t some big moment that happened to make him realise, it was more an accumulation of little things, little moments, little touches.

They had touched one another more times than Eddie could count, and it hadn't meant a thing, until one day, it did. Until one day Buck leant in close while they were sat on the firehouse couch, his shoulder pressed tightly to Eddie as he whispered something about Chimney just to mess with him and Eddie felt the urge to lean back into his body and linger in his warmth. Until they were working in the kitchen helping Bobby with dinner and Buck's fingers casually paused on his hip as he shifted past him, a reminder that he was in his space and not to step back or turn into him with the hot oven tray, and Eddie had hesitated, wondering what it would be like if his fingers lingered or tightened, or held him simply because he wanted to.

It had just been the way they were until Eddie really and truly noticed it, and until he realised that the comfort he sought in so many places was never quite as fulfilling as when he was around Buck.

And then it became all he could think about.

At first, he felt like a teenager, trying to place himself in Buck's space so often that they'd be forced to collide, not that it was hard. They gravitated to one another naturally, and the way they moved around one another was so fluid, so easy, as if they had been built specifically with the other in mind, complementary in so many ways. It took his breath away every time their bodies were close, felt sparks whenever they touched. Now that he understood what it meant, he found himself still seeking Buck out despite being plagued with longing, unable to stop himself even if that would make it more bearable.

Eddie thought that eventually it would get easier, providing he had the option to put space between them when it got too much.

Well, that was easier said than done.

It started out as a pretty straightforward call. Multi-storey building fire, structural damage, people still trapped inside.

By the time the one-eighteen arrived on scene most of the spot fires were out and they needed to do a sweep though the building looking for anyone who might still be stuck.

"Alright," Bobby said as he addressed the team outside the command post. "Hen, Chim, you're going to stay here and take in some of the people still waiting to be checked out. Triage is set up just to the left of the one-thirty-six engine."

They nodded and headed towards the ambulance to bring it around to the triage post.

"Buck, Eddie, you're on patrol on the ground floor, past the main stairwell," he said, pointing towards the now cleared entry into the building. "We don't know how many people were in the building but there are still a few unaccounted for. Be thorough, but don't dawdle. They're not sure how steady these floors are so keep an ear out for the order to evacuate."

Eddie tapped Buck on the arm with his fist, getting a nod in reply as they headed in. The side of the building they were checking was clear of smoke, but it was dark, a few flickering lights illuminated the corridors and rooms, but otherwise there didn’t seem to be any movement.

“Looks like this way’s clear,” Buck called out as Eddie finished his sweep through a hallway and came back out to meet him.

“This way too,” he said, hearing a creak in the foundation above them and looking up as it continued down towards the way they came. “That didn’t sound good.”

“Come on, we’ve got like four rooms left on this floor,” Buck said, already heading to the next location.

There was a voice over the radio from the incident commander saying that all teams needed to make their way out of the building.

“We need to leave Buck,” Eddie said, standing in his place as he watched Buck walk away from him.

“This will take twenty seconds, what if there’s still someone in here?” he said over his shoulder.

Eddie shook his head with a sigh, but he followed him anyway. He was right, they were almost done with the floor, and he would hate to learn later that they had left someone behind.

As he passed the stairs to the upper level he felt a rumbling under his feet, but he knew well enough to be sure it had started above him.

“Buck!” he yelled, having lost sight of him through one of the doorways.

Everything seemed to happen simultaneously.

The walls shook, cracks shooting up the wall behind Eddie as he heard a grainy voice over the radio.

“All teams evacuate immediately! Building is coming down!”

Instead of running towards the closest exit all Eddie could do was follow Buck, from the sounds around him there wasn’t time to get clear anyway. His heart thudded and as he yelled for him again, the hallway they had just come from seemed to collapse inwards.

He turned to try and decide the best place to move, but the choice was made for him when he felt Buck’s arms wrap around him, shoving him back until they were almost in the recess under the stairs.

Eddie’s back hit the wall hard, knocking the wind out of him as Buck crowded in front of him, and then there was the deafening rumble of concrete crashing down around them that made his ears ring and his hands reached instinctively for Buck, gripping tight to the turnout coat and just waiting for the moment he felt the debris come down on him.

If he was about to be crushed, having his hands on Buck would make it just that little bit less painful. Figuratively.

He had his eyes squeezed shut as he felt a pressure in his chest, letting out what he thought was an audible yelp, but he didn’t hear over the din around him, and he felt nothing come down on him. After what felt like the longest time, the reverberation slowed to a stop, dust now filling the air around them and some small pieces of chipped concrete bouncing off his shoulders.

He couldn’t hear very well, it sounded like he was surrounded by white noise, but he was alive, he knew that much. But god, he could barely move.

"Eddie? You okay? Eddie!" Buck's voice was loud, he could tell, but his ears were still ringing from the sound of the collapse around them.

He grunted, trying to move himself to relieve some of the pressure but realising he was mostly stuck. Shit, that was close. As he began to wonder if the debris around him was stable, he froze, a new realisation dawning on him. He wasn't pinned or trapped just by concrete and rubble, he was trapped face to face, chest to chest, against Buck.

"Eddie?" he repeated, and he could feel his name in the vibration of his chest.

He was starting to think that getting crushed might have been the less painful option.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m here.”

I’m right here, he thought.

“Oh thank god,” Buck said almost under his breath and through a deep sigh.

Oh god, I can feel him breathing. The expanding of his chest compressing against Eddies, his heartbeat perilously close, separated between just two sets of ribs and skin.

The radio was still working, and Eddie heard Bobby’s voice calling out over it.

“Firefighters Buckley and Diaz of the 118, please respond!”

“Are you okay?” Buck’s voice was shaky, his hands either side of Eddie against the wall.

Surprisingly, Eddie didn’t feel much pain aside from the ringing in his ears and the ache in his chest where Buck burned into him.

“Can you move?” he said instead of answering that loaded question.

“I think the floor above came down,” Buck said, and now it seemed like they were both having their own conversations independent from one another.

“What the hell were you doing, running back out here like that?” Eddie said, his body frozen in place, afraid to move for a number of reasons. “You’re supposed to find a space and keep yourself safe!”

“You were just standing there!” Buck finally acknowledged him, hissing the words out incredulously. “You’re supposed to find a space and keep yourself safe!”

“I was about to.”

“Firefighters Buckley and Diaz!” Bobby’s voice sounded again. He very rarely broke his façade but if you knew him well enough you could hear it. “Buck, Eddie, are you alright?”

“Shit,” Buck said under his breath. “You think we can get out of here?”

“Can you move?” Eddie repeated, more of a grumble than anything.

He made a sound like he was contemplating it, but Eddie knew it must be tight if he hadn’t already extricated himself from Eddie.

Buck shifted his body upwards and holy fucking Christ did it light a fire inside him.

"Buck, Buck, stop," he said, not really worried about the context, just needing him to stop before his body started reacting to it.

"What? Are you hurt?" he said instinctively, turning back towards him until their helmets made a clunk sound.

Eddie just closed his eyes and clamped his jaw down tight.

"Just, worried about the debris," he said through his gritted teeth.

"I don't think it's going anywhere soon," Buck said, letting out a single chuckle that made his chest swell up into Eddie's again.

He let out a long and heavy breath. This was like two nightmares in one.

"Can you reach your radio?" Eddie asked. “We need to let them know we’re here and not…”

“Flat?”

Eddie tilted his head and gave Buck a dry look.

“I can reach yours,” Buck said, lifting his arm so he could reach out to the team. “This is firefighter Buckley, I’m with firefighter Diaz. We’re alive but we’re stuck. Ground floor, back stairwell.”

The reply came almost right away.

“We’re coming for you, just need to figure out how to get in there. Hang tight guys.”

Eddie heard the relief in his voice as Buck pressed down on the button again.

“Oh, we’re tight,” Buck said, and Eddie didn’t need to see his grin to know it was there. “You don’t have to worry about that.”

Eddie rolled his eyes but couldn’t help the warm feeling in his chest that spread through him.

“Alright what’s your plan now big guy?” he asked, and really wished he hadn’t opted for ‘big guy’ as his preferred term of endearment.

“Uh…” Buck replied, looking side to side and making their helmets clunk together again. “Still working on that.”

Eddie just sighed, standing in place, unmoving, not that he could go very far anyway. He was acutely aware of the line of his body pressed up against Buck’s and trying very hard to think of anything else.

"I think I can get this helmet off," Buck shuffled, trying to raise his arms without digging his elbows into Eddie.

"You should probably keep it on," he grumbled, doing his best to plaster himself back against the wall behind him and keep his hips as far from Buck's as possible.

"Eddie," he said lightly, trying to look at him again with another clunk. "If this thing comes down, I hate to break it to you but the helmet's not going to help."

He chuckled again and Eddie felt himself tense up. Buck shifted and shuffled, unclipping the strap on the helmet but not having enough room to move it.

As he looked down Eddie had to turn his head sideways to give him the room.

"Looks like we could have a bit more space if we shuffle down a bit," Buck said, and great, more shuffling. "Not hugely, but might make it a little less..."

"Cosy?" Eddie offered, and there was that rumbling chuckle again. "Yeah alright, just... how are we doing this?"

If it meant he could get a little relief from being pressed against Buck's chest he was willing to try it. Surely they had a plan to get them out of this soon.

"Uh, okay, if you shuffle down using the wall you can probably sit," Buck said. "Then I'll have space to get this thing off and get down there with you."

"Alright," Eddie said with a sigh.

Buck pulled his shoulders back, trying to get himself as flat as he could against the wall behind him to give Eddie more space. It was enough so that their helmets weren't bouncing off one another anymore, enough for Eddie to inch himself down slowly. He reluctantly had to put his hands on Buck's sides to help steady himself, and then there was the slide of his chest down Buck’s torso.

"You can brace on me if you need to, I'm good," Buck said, his legs wide and feet planted firmly.

Eddie sighed, hoping it sounded like the result of the laborious movement and not the way the thought popped into his head that this was not the way he wanted to have his hands holding tightly to Buck's thighs. He slid down the last few inches to the ground and landed with a soft thud, keeping his face turned to the side as Buck leant forward and unclipped his helmet, the newly found space enough for him to pull the helmet from his head and drop it to the left of them with a loud clattering sound.

He exhaled in relief and let Eddie know he was on his way down too. Though from what Eddie could see, there was not going to be enough room for them both to sit up comfortably, not unless Buck wanted a serious hunch-back or to lie in the foetal position. 

"There's a not a whole lot of room down here," he warned, but Buck was already moving downward.

He stopped on his feet in a crouch and looked either side of Eddie with a 'hmm' sound and a furrow in his brow.

"Told you," Eddie said, making Buck crinkle up one of his eyes and bite down on his lip.

"I mean we could stand again," he offered, but Eddie shook his head.

"Not enough room for both of us up there, it's so narrow. It's a miracle neither of us got crushed," he said, looking up in the space above them and realising how lucky they actually were.

"Well, I could stand," Buck shrugged, looking at Eddie with a grin. "But I don't think you'd appreciate the view."

Eddie made a tsk sound and shook his head, because Buck didn't know how true that was, just not for the reasons he was probably thinking.

"Just get down here," he said irritably, gesturing with his hand for Buck to join him.

"Alright," he mumbled as he tried to work it out, trying to stand and bumping his head on the angled concrete.

"If only you had some kind of protection for that," Eddie said, giving him a look and a grin that had Buck rolling his eyes with a quiet 'yeah, yeah'.

He planted his feet either side of Eddie's legs and braced his hands on the wall behind Eddie as he lowered himself down.

"I might have to uh," he nodded his head towards Eddie's lap, and dear god was this really happening?

Eddie closed his eyes with a deep sigh and just nodded. He couldn't really deny it, there really were only a few positions that were going to work, and having Buck perched in his lap was looking like the easiest for now.

Buck managed to get one knee down first, the inside of his thigh against the outside of Eddie's turnouts, followed by the other. As much as less gear would make this exponentially more comfortable, Eddie had never been gladder for the bulky uniform.

"If I'm too heavy I'll move," he said, letting his weight come down slowly.

Eddie shook his head.

"You're fine."

Buck sighed and relaxed a little into him, putting one hand on the wall behind Eddie's head and looking around in the space again. Eddie did the same, his mind trying to come up with a myriad of other positions that wouldn't wind up with Buck in his lap, the only one he could think of still involved one of them draping their legs over the other.

He looked down at the way Buck's legs were spread open, it couldn't have been comfortable on his knees or otherwise, especially since Eddie could tell he was holding some of his weight back to save Eddie taking the full brunt of him.

Little did he know that Eddie had often thought about taking all of him, thick and heavy and rough and all the things he'd never let himself want before.

He scolded himself for the thoughts that crossed his mind. He shouldn't be thinking about Buck like that, not now, not under the circumstances. It was inappropriate, they were friends, and friends weren't supposed to imagine these kinds of things when they were forced to straddle each other while waiting to be rescued.

"Your thighs are going to ache sitting like that," Eddie grumbled.

"My thighs can handle this position for a while, I'll be fine," he said, and why, why did he have to be so damned Buck?

"Of course they can," Eddie said under his breath and shaking his head, making Buck smirk back at him.

Just don't think about it, don't picture it, turn off your imagination and remember where the hell you are, Eddie thought to himself. Though it was a bit hard not to let his mind wander when Buck was sat atop his thighs, wholly unconcerned about comfort and sweating lightly.

Eddie's eyes flitted over to him without turning his head. Surprisingly, he hadn't imagined this position before, but now that he was in it he couldn't help but think about how easy it would be to reach out and take Buck's hips in his hands, slide them forwards until he was fully seated in Eddie's lap, the curve of it the perfect shape for him to slot into, those heavy thighs pinning him down–

"You can take that off you know," Buck said, breaking Eddie out of his spiralling fantasy and pointing at his helmet.

Eddie shook his head. The damned helmet was the only thing providing any kind of barrier or shelter from Buck being able to read his face.

"It's fine," he said, and he didn't need to turn to Buck to know he was giving him a suspicious look.

"Seriously Eds, we're going to be here a while. May as well at least try and get comfortable," he said.

"Comfortable, huh? Is that what you call this?" he said, gesturing between them and accidentally brushing Buck's chest as he did.

If he didn't know any better, he would say that Buck's cheeks flushed pink for just a moment as he looked down at them.

"Yeah, this is uh, a little more intimate than we usually get," he said it with a joking tone, but Eddie didn't laugh.

Because honestly, if it had been even a few months ago he probably wouldn't have thought too much about it. Now... now he was so painfully aware of how much he craved the space around Buck, and there was nothing worse he could imagine than being stuck there.

Aside from, you know, literally being crushed.

“How the hell did we end up in this bubble and not…” he said as he looked around at the tiny space.

“With major crush injuries?” Buck offered, and Eddie didn’t have to look at him as he huffed out a sigh to know he was giving him a grin. “Well, universe certainly likes us.”

“Don’t start with that,” Eddie groaned. “It’s bad enough we’re stuck like this.”

“You know what will be bad, if you’re forced to keep your neck turned that way in that helmet,” Buck said, ignoring him and gesturing up, bumping Eddie’s shoulder as he did.

“Alright, fine,” Eddie said.

As much as he needed the façade to hide behind, it was warm where they sat, and that was compounded by Buck’s abnormally hot body against him. Not to mention his neck was already starting to cramp.

“Here,” Buck said quietly, reaching up to the strap under Eddie’s chin.

Eddie swallowed as Buck’s fingers brushed against his throat, struggling for just a moment with the clasp before it was unbuckled. And then his fingers were pulling at his chin, turning it slowly back to him.

He kept his eyes down as Buck’s hands reached for the sides of the helmet, but he couldn’t stop himself from looking up at him.

God, they were so fucking close.

It was just a helmet, but there was something intimate in the way Buck was helping him remove it that leant itself to being undressed, the relief of being freed of the heavy material, the way he knew his hair was stuck to his forehead with sweat. It made him want to keep going, to strip Buck out of his turnout coat until he could get more of that relief, that comfort, too. More than that, he wanted to reach up and cup Buck's jaw in his hand, press his fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck and tell him they'd be out soon, wanted to pull Buck in closer with an arm around his waist and lean his head against Buck's chest.

He wanted to hear his heart beating beneath it, close his eyes and soak into the rhythm of it. He wanted to nuzzle into him and know that things would be alright, if for no other reason than because he was in his arms.

“There you go,” Buck said, breaking him from his thoughts as the helmet came down with a clatter.

He gave him a smile, and for a moment Eddie was lost in it, stuck in those shining blue eyes.

The static from the radio made him jump and stare down at it, as though that would help, the feeling in his chest swirling as Bobby’s voice cut through the silence.

“Buck, Eddie, you guys going okay?”

Buck grabbed Eddie’s radio again and put the receiver to his lips.

“We’re just getting comfortable Cap, don’t tell us you’re coming to get us already?” he had a cheeky grin on his face that he flashed at Eddie.

He was fairly sure Bobby would have the same tired expression on his face that he did as he looked back at him with a gentle shake of his head.

“Almost, we’ve got a plan, just working out the details. Don’t worry, we’ll be in there soon.”

“Copy that,” Buck clipped the radio back in place and let out a deep sigh.

Eddie was sitting deathly still again, head turned to the side and breathing in shallow breaths. Buck was a lot of things, but he wasn’t unobservant, especially when it came to Eddie. His gaze lingered on him, making Eddie stare back, eyes darting for a moment to Buck’s pink lips.

“What?” he asked softly.

"You know we're going to get out of this, right?" Buck said, and Eddie's eyelashes fluttered as he tore his eyes from him and nodded, knowing that Buck was probably seeing the fear in his eyes and misinterpreting it. "Bobby said they've got a plan. We'll be fine."

"Yeah," Eddie said quickly, eyes darting back to Buck's glowing blues for a moment and nodding as he turned away again. "Yeah, I know."

"Okay so, what's up?"

"What's up?" Eddie raised a brow.

"You look like you're about to have a panic attack," Buck said, mouth twitching as though he was trying to make a joke, but Eddie could see the concern in his eyes.

“We’re stuck in a tight space, we almost had a building collapse on us,” Eddie said, which was technically not a lie. “And I don’t panic.”

Buck raised a brow, making Eddie roll his eyes a little.

“Anymore,” he grumbled.

“Are you angry because I didn’t turn back when we could have?” he asked, and Eddie’s brow creased in confusion.

“What? Of course not,” he said.

“Because I know you said it sounded pretty bad, and I wanted to keep going and–”

“Buck, if we didn’t come this way there’s a good chance we would have been crushed under some of that rubble,” Eddie said, putting a hand on Buck’s thigh without meaning to. “You not knowing when to turn back probably saved us here.”

He smiled back as he tried to crack a joke and Buck just nodded and looked down, eyes pausing for just a moment on Eddie’s hand before he was pulling it away like Buck had burned him and resting it on the floor beside him.

Buck let out a heavy exhale, leaning back and against the concrete behind him that used to be part of the upper floor. Eddie watched as he closed his eyes, felt his weight come down heavier on his thighs. He let his eyes wander down the length of him, the way we was stretched back with his hips open and he wanted nothing more than to place his hands over Buck's thighs and slide them up and back comfortingly.

This was where it hurt, being so close, being able to have Buck so comfortable in his space but having no right to touch him in the way he so desperately wanted to. Never closer, never further away. He wished he was a better person. He felt like an asshole sitting here in this position, in this whole situation and instead of being glad they were alive he was almost wishing they'd been trapped feet apart. Especially when he felt his legs starting to tingle.

"Shit," he said under his breath, and Buck's eyes shot open, looking back at him with concern.

"What? Are you okay?" he asked immediately.

"Yeah just..." he flexed his feet and calves, trying to stave off the numbness. "Going a little numb here."

"Sorry," Buck said, sitting forward on his knees.

"You can't sit like that," Eddie shook his head but lifted his knees so he could plant his feet on the floor which seemed to help.

"These things have shin and knee guards," Buck tapped on the turnout pants.

"Buck," Eddie said with a sigh. "We need to move."

"You want to be on top this time?" he said it with a grin and all the innuendo that he couldn't help slipping in, but Eddie felt his cheeks flush with it.

Before Buck could question him on it, they heard Bobby's voice on the radio again.

"Firefighters Buckley and Diaz, you still copy?"

Buck grabbed for Eddie's radio again instead of his own.

"Loud and clear Cap, we on the way out?" he said.

"Working on it, we're about to start shifting materials but if you feel anything moving where it shouldn't I want you to let us know immediately."

"Got it," he said, taking his finger off the button. “Does that sound a little ominous to you?”

“Well, it doesn’t sound like an easy job,” Eddie said. “Would you sit back down, I’m fine.”

“I can probably get up and shift–” he said as he started to push himself upwards, and Eddie instinctively took hold of his thighs.

“Buck just, stay there,” he cut him off.

Eddie looked up at him where he knelt over his lap, Buck’s hand resting on his shoulder with the other one on the wall behind him with the radio still clutched in it. The way he looked down made the blood rush through Eddie’s chest, made a number of images flash across his mind.

He quickly withdrew his eyes from Buck’s gaze.

“I don’t want to–” he began, but he was cut off by another rumbling sound and the space they were occupying filling with dust.

“Buck!” he called over the noise, pulling hard at his thighs until he dropped down right into his lap.

Their chests were pressed against one another again and Eddie was sliding his arms around his waist. If something was coming down, he wanted Buck as close to him as possible. He pulled his knees up so Buck was cradled tightly against him as he heard his voice over the din around them calling into the radio.

“Everything’s moving in here Bobby!” he yelled, his hand gripping tightly to Eddie’s shoulder.

Eddie could almost hear Bobby yelling at the teams to stop but the radio remained silent as the shuddering slowed to a stop, and they were left in silence again. He closed his eyes with a heavy sigh and let his head rest against Buck’s shoulder.

“Buck, you alright?” Bobby’s voice finally rang out.

Buck’s breath was coming out in heavy exhales as he nodded, as though anyone besides Eddie could see.

“Yeah, we’re still good,” he said, looking around to assess things. “Maybe just, don’t move whatever you just had hold of again.”

"Sorry guys," came Bobby's staticky reply. "Looks like we've still got a few structural issues we need to work around. You sense anything off I'm listening. We'll get you out of there."

Eddie had brought his knees up higher, trying to make them as tight and small as possible to brace, only now he had Buck plastered against his front, feeling the heavy breaths he was taking in synchronicity with his. Where Eddie's chest rose outwards, Buck's sank back in, and then it was Buck's turn to take in the air, and Eddie's chest made space for him.

It was like they had been built like this on purpose, a perfect fit with the other, and for just a moment Eddie hesitated.

He could have pulled himself back and let his legs fall flat against the floor again, giving Buck's body the space it needed to retreat. But for just one lingering moment he closed his eyes and let himself feel that concomitant breathing, let his nose press against the hollow in Buck's neck as he sighed with relief, allowed his hands to keep their tight hold on him and pretend for just that fleeting moment in time that Buck was his.

Then of course, as it always did, the comfort of it turned into an ache in his chest and it burned to be so close, so he very quickly pulled himself back (which wasn't very far at all) and thought he could feel Buck's confused gaze on him.

"Are you okay? Are you hurt?" Buck's gloved hand reached for the crook between Eddie's shoulder and neck, making him flinch away.

Luckily, Buck seemed to think it was out of physical pain and not the unbearableness of the situation. Unluckily, that made Buck work harder to keep him still and meet his eye. His other hand trapped his face until it was cupped between them, holding it still with his eyes searching his features. Eddie could see the worry, the fear, in those stunning blues. He watched it shift into relief and he wondered if his own eyes were revealing more than his mouth ever would.

"We're okay," Buck nodded reassuringly, still holding steady to Eddie's jaw. "We're going to get out."

"I know," Eddie said under his breath.

He wanted desperately to tear his eyes away from Buck's, but he couldn't do it. If for nothing else than for the fear that they would drop to his lips and then Buck would be able to sense what he was thinking. He was usually good at that. He hadn't quite picked this secret up yet, but Eddie knew if he kept looking at him that way and from such a close distance, he would become transparent eventually.

"Sorry," Buck said and took his hands back to rest on his own thighs, as if sensing and misinterpreting his discomfort. "You seemed a little freaked out by that is all."

"By the building nearly collapsing in on us, again? Wonder why," he said, a little snarkier than had been his intention, and he didn't need to look up to know that Buck's eyes wouldn't be able to hide their hurt.

He regretted it immediately, especially in the silence that followed as Buck had nothing to say in return. He heard him let out a sigh and look around their tiny space some more, as if anything had changed substantially in the last thirty seconds.

"Okay, I'm going to..." his voice trailed off as he put both hands on the wall behind Eddie and gave a shove backwards to help with the leverage he needed to push off his knees.

"Don't do that," Eddie shook his head and closed his eyes.

"You need more space," he said, and Eddie could feel his eyes on him. "I'll stand."

"You're safer down here," Eddie said quietly and from behind clenched teeth.

"From being crushed maybe," he mumbled, eyes looking back up at the angled space above them. "Not from your mouth."

Eddie almost laughed at that, in fact he let out the barest hint of one through his nose and shook his head, letting his eyes roll open. Buck was avoiding his eyes, the corner of his bottom lip trapped tightly between his teeth. Eddie hadn't meant to snap, he was just overwhelmed, by everything.

He knew Buck meant he was safer from the sharpness of his tongue if they were further apart, but he couldn't help but be amused at the way he had phrased it. If only he knew. If only he knew the things that Eddie wanted to do to him with his mouth, the things he had thought about when the nights got long and lonely or when he watched him doing something entirely mundane like moving his lips as he read silently, holding random objects between his teeth so he could get best use out of both of his hands, licking the spilled sauce or ice cream or syrup off his wrist as he tried to get as much food into his mouth as would fit. He imagined his mouth in place of Buck's, feeling the whisper of soft words against him as they shared a single breath, taking his bottom lip between his teeth and directing Buck's hands to his body, dragging his tongue over every inch of soft flesh exposed to him, tasting his body and skin and knowing that it would be more intoxicating than anything else.

On second thoughts, it was better that he never ever knew that.

He had started to push himself upwards and Eddie shook his head again.

"Buck, stop," Eddie's hand landed at the side of Buck's knee, fingers curling in behind it. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be..."

Buck paused as he looked down at him, and Eddie took in a deep breath before looking up at him, the angle of it making his throat go dry.

"It's not your fault, I'm just..." he felt the breath get caught in his chest.

Just what? Just desperately wishing Buck was as far from him as possible? All the while wishing he could just pull him in closer and feel his arms around him, comforting and reassuring, just lean into him and close his eyes and listen to his heartbeat and know it would make him forget the precariousness of their situation? Just that?

"Just sit back down," he said instead of any of the other hundred things swirling through his mind.

"Fine," Buck said, sinking back down into Eddie's lap again where Eddie let his hands come to rest on the outside of his knees as he sighed. "But I will probably have to move again soon, my knees are kind of sore."

Eddie couldn't help but grin at that.

"I thought your thighs could handle that position?" he teased, dissolving any tension remaining in the air between them.

"They can, it's the knees that aren't agreeing with the concrete floor," he said, and Eddie didn't move his hands.

Eddie took in a deep breath, letting the sigh fall from his lips as his head fell back against the wall behind him. They sat in silence like that for a few minutes, that is until Buck began to squirm where he sat.

The first time was very subtle, and Eddie felt a gentle stirring in his chest. The second time was a little more pronounced and Eddie tried telling himself he was just adjusting, reminding himself not to think about the fact that it was Buck's perfect ass inching its way further up his legs. The third time felt like a low rolling grind, and Eddie knew that any more was going to make him very uncomfortable in a very awkward kind of way, especially if Buck's legs shifted higher and brushed the slowly growing length beneath his turnout pants.

"Yeah, we need to move," Eddie said, his fingers pressing into the side of Buck's thighs with a little more force.

Buck's ears flushed pink and mumbled a low 'sorry', probably thinking he was apologising for causing Eddie pain and not the discomfort of giving him half an erection in the current environment.

They both looked around the tiny space and offered up ideas as to how they could do this and make both of them less uncomfortable. They could stand, but they would be chest to chest or back to chest (Eddie didn't know which was worse). They could lie down, but neither of them were exactly short, and he would probably wind up with Buck curled against his back. They could switch, and he could perch himself in Buck's lap, but the idea alone of being cradled against him made his cheeks flush and his mouth go dry.

Eventually they settled for a crossed over position where Eddie remained in the same seated spot and Buck lowered himself down to prop himself on his elbows with his legs draped across Eddie's lap. He could really let himself relax, and the weight of his legs over Eddie's was so deliciously heavy that Eddie had to stare at the concrete opposite him and count to ten before his body betrayed just how much he liked it.

"Well, this isn't so bad," Buck said with a grin.

God, he looked so beautiful with a light sheen of sweat across his forehead, the pink birthmark flushed and standing stark against the radiant blue of his eyes and the white shine of his teeth. Then of course there was the way his shoulders seemed to broaden as he propped his weight up, and Eddie could imagine them sitting like this on his couch, Buck in a soft t-shirt or one of his hoodies, legs clad in sweats instead of the bulky turnouts with Eddie's hands caressing his calves or rubbing his feet after a long shift.

"No," Eddie said softly, looking back at him and pressing his fingertips harder against the floor. "It's not so bad."

They sat in silence a moment, only the muffled sounds from outside finding their way through. Buck reached for his own radio this time, and Eddie smile at his impatience.

"Bobby, you got any updates for us?" he asked, looking to Eddie's grin and taking his finger off the button. "What?"

"You, being restless," he said, earning a huff from Buck.

"I just want to know the plan," he shrugged.

"Just… give me a minute or two. Waiting on instructions out here,” came the reply.

"In other words, they don't have a plan yet," Buck said, hooking the radio back in place.

"In other words, they're trying not to get us crushed," Eddie grumbled.

Buck's lips turned in a smile and he shifted his leg until his knee nudged Eddie's stomach, brushing the expanse of his thigh as he did. Eddie tried not to let Buck see the way his jaw clenched behind his weak smile.

“Do you think there’s any situation you might find yourself in where you’re not moving?” Eddie asked, making Buck shrug.

“A coma?”

“Not funny.”

“Alright guys, we’ve got our next move lined up,” came Bobby’s voice again, laced with trepidation.

“Did that sound kind of ominous to you?” Buck asked, and Eddie reached for his radio.

“There a problem Cap?” he asked.

It took a moment for the reply to come through.

"We're going to shift a piece of rubble, only one way to do it and get in there to you," he said, and Eddie turned his head to look to Buck.

They both knew what that meant. They had to do this, once they start, they can't stop. And there's a risk.

Buck's face was stoic and he gave Eddie a nod; he was ready. Eddie sent him one back before closing his eyes a moment as he pressed down on the radio button.

"Do what you've got to do Bobby," he said, clipping the radio back in place.

"It's going to work," Buck said, shifting his leg to give Eddie a reassuring nudge.

"You know, your optimism could stand to take just a little hit," he said, making Buck crack the smallest of smiles.

"Someone's got to balance you out," he said, and Eddie shook his head.

They could hear the equipment moving and parts of the building being shifted. They knew it was coming, heard the sound of machinery getting closer, and then there was a deafening creaking sound as something was getting lifted possibly in the room that used to exist beside this one. There was dust and silt beginning to rain down, and as Eddie looked up he could see the wall (now directly above them instead of where it should have been) slipping where it rested against the line of the stairs. If it dropped and fell it would land square on Buck's chest, maybe higher.

He didn't have time to think beyond that, he was yelling his name and shoving his legs off so quickly that he wouldn't have had time to respond anyway. He launched himself over Buck, swinging his legs so that he was straddling him and hovering over him, elbows slamming hard into the floor beside his head to shelter him as he braced for the impact. He felt Buck's hands at his sides first, and for a moment it was enough to make him forget that he was expecting to have the walls crash down on them.

He looked down at Buck, they were almost nose to nose, sweaty foreheads pressed against one another. His eyes were squeezed tightly shut but Eddie couldn't bear to close his. He looked down at him and he could taste all the words he'd been too much of a coward to say out loud, they were just sitting there perched on his tongue. He felt something hard come crashing down into his back and growled out through clenched teeth as another hit the back of his head with a sharp sting and he shifted himself forward more so that it wouldn't come down on Buck's face below him.

The words were still there, caged behind his teeth and reaching through, begging to be released, but then the shuddering came to a stop and there was more quiet, dust rising around them and tickling his nose as he let out a long sigh and coughed into his shoulder.

Coward, he thought to himself. You could have been crushed and still you couldn't tell him how you feel.

He looked down at Buck who still hadn't opened his eyes, but his brow was creased, his hands still holding tight to Eddie. He was okay, he was alright.

You don't deserve him.

There was an ache in his back and neck, and he looked to the left to see a chunk of brick that must have dislodged and landed on him and he felt more than relieved that it had been him and not Buck's face or neck.

"You alright?" he asked, and Buck's eyes shot open, staring up at him incredulously.

"Me?" he asked.

"Who else would I be asking?"

Buck scoffed as more shaking started on the other side of the now lower wall to their side and Eddie got to his knees, being unable to get any higher.

"Shuffle back here, under the stairs," he said, and they both made awkward movements until they were better sheltered.

Unfortunately, it meant that Eddie would have to stay crouched over him, but at least they wouldn't be at risk of any more collapsing down on them. Anything that collapsed on them at this point, they definitely wouldn't be surviving.

They were breathing heavily, chests rising and falling into the other. Eddie felt something creep down behind his ear and then watched as a drip of blood landed at the corner of Buck's mouth, then another, sliding down his cheek and onto his jaw.

"Shit," he said. "Sorry."

"Don't be," Buck grunted. "Wouldn't be the first time I've had your blood in my mouth."

Eddie felt something hitch inside his ribs as he looked down at him. 

Drip.

"Let me check that," Buck shook his head awkwardly and with a sigh, and Eddie felt his hands fidgeting between them as he pulled off his gloves.

He stared back down at him as his fingers began sliding up against him so they could reach around his neck to feel for the source of the bleeding. Eddie winced as they found the broken skin at the base of his skull, feeling around it gently while Eddie tried not to make a face.

"Doesn't feel too big," he said finally, not taking his fingers away. "Might need a stitch or two. Would be bleeding a lot more if it was open."

“Just a scratch then,” he said softly, but Buck didn’t seem to find it funny.

He didn’t even crack a smile. All he did was let out a heavy exhale, but he didn’t wipe the blood from his mouth, he didn’t take his hand away from Eddie.

"I'm getting off you," Eddie grumbled, trying to shift so he could lie beside him but Buck's hand was firm and holding him in place while the other one bunched up the fabric of his shirt.

"You're not lying down while you're bleeding like that," he said, making Eddie wince as his fingers tightened at the back of his neck. "You're staying where I can see you properly."

“Is that right?” Eddie muttered, making Buck narrow his eyes up at him.

He didn’t say anything though. He just loosened his grip and slipped his bloodied fingers down until they were resting on his chest, now that he was sure Eddie wasn’t going to try to wriggle away from him.

There was a silence settling in the air around them, muffled sounds from outside still whirring – people talking, machines running, the slamming of tools on concrete.

Buck was just laying back with his head tilted to the side, a faraway look in his eye. He was quieter than he’d been the entire time they’d been trapped, and it wasn’t about to escape Eddie’s notice.

He was… frustrated.

"Okay, what?" Eddie asked, raising an eyebrow as Buck avoided his eyes.

"What?" Buck echoed back.

"Don't pretend you don't know," Eddie said.

"I don't know what you—"

"I know when you're annoyed Buck," he said, earning a tick of his mouth. "Least you could do is—"

"What the hell did you do that for?" Buck snapped, and Eddie's brow furrowed. "You could have been crushed if that came down for real."

"We both could have," Eddie shrugged. "And you were going to take most of it, could have been killed, I wasn't going to risk that."

"Oh, but you'll risk your own life and health?" Buck said with an accusatory tone.

"You think I'm going to just sit here and watch you potentially get crushed?" he asked incredulously. "No, not happening."

"And you think I want to see you get crushed trying to help me?"

"I had two seconds to think about it Buck," he shook his head. "I made a choice."

"Well, it was the wrong one."

"Not from where I'm standing."

"You can't risk your life for mine," he raised his voice and Eddie just scoffed down at him. "You can't just do that Eddie!"

"And why the hell not!"

"Because I don't deserve that!"

Eddie paused with more fight in his throat, all of it dissipating as his words registered in his ears.

"What?" he said, like it made no sense at all.

Because it didn't. Why on earth wouldn't he deserve someone trying to keep him safe? To keep him out of harm's way?

"You've got more to lose, more people depending on you. Don't go throwing your life away because something might happen to me,” his voice trailed off at the end, but Eddie was still just staring down at him with the slow realisation.

It felt like a conversation they'd had once before.

It would have been better if I was the one who got shot.

This felt a lot like that, like the last time Eddie's blood was on Buck's lips. He had vague flashbacks to it sometimes, to seeing Buck's face splattered with blood, his blue eyes staring back at him with more fear than he’d ever seen in them. It was only ever a flash, and he couldn't remember anything either side of it, but the image was there.

It was only in hindsight and through things he had been told about the shooting that he realised that's where it had been from, that it was even real. That it wasn’t some mix between a nightmare and dream.

"I don't deserve you giving up your life to save me," Buck said when Eddie spent too long just staring back at him in silence.

"Well too bad," he said finally, giving him a shake of his head. "If you don't think you’re worth saving then that's your problem. But I do. Jesus Buck, you have no idea how much I do."

“That wasn’t my point,” he said defiantly.

“I didn’t have time to think about it Buck, I just did it,” he huffed. “You would have done the same.”

It was the truth; he didn’t need to lie. Buck seemed irritated by it all the same, making Eddie vexed.

“Yeah well, better me than you,” he said, and Eddie ground his teeth together.

“No, not really,” he scowled down at him. “God, do you really think that we would be better off without you?”

“I didn’t say that, I—”

“No, you just implied that my life is more valuable than yours. What, because of Christopher? You know how important you are to him too, how important you are to me. You think I would have put your name in my will if you weren’t?”

Buck sucked in a sharp breath, lips parted in silence.

They hadn’t talked about that since that day in the hospital. It felt oddly clandestine to mention it now given the way their bodies were pressed up against one another, but Eddie couldn’t help it. The idea that Buck didn’t think he was worth saving made him mad, made a rage burn inside him.

He watched the lump rise in Buck’s throat as he swallowed dryly and stared back up at him.

“You have someone who needs you,” he said finally. “There’s no one who needs me, no one relying on me.”

“I need you, Buck!” he said incredulously.

He bit down on his lip and shook his head. He had torn something open now, something he couldn’t keep down.

“Dios, sometimes I just…” he took in a deep breath, staring at the concrete behind Buck’s head. "I wish you could just love yourself the way everyone else does, the way I do."

Buck’s brow pinched in the middle, and he looked up with a questioning gaze.

"What do you mean?" he asked, and all Eddie could do was let out a loud disbelieving laugh.

"What do I mean? God you're so..." the words evaded him, there was nothing he could quite think of to say that conveyed exactly what he meant.

So he said nothing at all, just closed his eyes and let his lips crash down into Buck’s.

He hadn’t thought it through, had really only wanted to get his point across. But the adrenaline coursing through him, Buck’s self-deprecation, it had made him act first, think later.

Their noses crinkled at the force of it, and while neither of them moved much, Buck didn’t try to escape it. He just lay beneath him, probably too stunned to do anything more.

Eddie pulled his lips back at stared at him, breathing heavily and scowling, until it dawned on him what he’d just done. His eyes soften and his heavy breaths come out like screams in the silence between them.

He had kissed Buck, all but confessed to him exactly how he felt. It wasn’t supposed to happen like that. It wasn’t supposed to happen at all, but especially not in the ruins of a building downtown with his blood smeared on the corner of Buck’s mouth.

And he was just staring back up at him, no words on his lips. What would he say anyway?

Eddie could feel the panic rising, eyes darting between Buck’s before there was a loud crunching sound, followed by a thud and the fading sunlight streaming in through the new hole in the concrete.

Eddie turned his head down towards their feet to see Chimney poking his head through with an ecstatic grin.

“I’ve got eyes on them Cap,” he called loudly before lowering his voice. “Who’s out first?”

Without thinking, Eddie answered with “Buck”, just as he replied with “Eddie”.

Chim had a smile on the corner of his mouth.

“You guys are helpful,” he grinned, clearly elated to have broken through to them mostly unharmed.

“Eddie’s bleeding,” Buck said quickly, making Eddie scowl at him, but he wasn’t looking back. He was staring down at Chim. “Got a laceration to the back of his head.”

Buck’s face was unreadable, still not turning to Eddie as Chim said something about helmets. Was he purposefully not looking back?

“Alright, Eddie can you roll over and scoot down here? We need to secure your neck or are you good?” Chim said.

"I'm fine, it's a little cut," he griped.

“We’ll be the judge of that!” he heard Hen’s voice ring out from somewhere behind Chim.

He sighed, giving Buck one last unreturned look before he was sliding himself off him and to the side, lying on his back and shimmying down so he could slip out the gap left by Chim.

He helps him to his feet and to climb down the rubble where Hen is waiting with an arm outstretched to guide him. Buck does the same and there’s some clapping from the rescue teams as they’re both freed and directed towards the ambulances at triage.

Somehow, Eddie doesn’t feel any sense of relief at being pulled from the wreckage. All he feels is a sense of impending doom, the realisation that he just revealed the thing he had been so desperately trying to hide dawning on him.

Hen tends to Eddie, while Chim checks out Buck at the back of two different ambulances. They’re both quiet, only answering to the questions they’re asked, both with a strange faraway look in their eyes.

Chim, Hen and Bobby seem suspicious, but they don’t say much.

Eddie looked over to where Chim was telling Buck about how lucky he was to get out of there without even a scratch, signing him off with not even a concussion.

He sighed as he watched Buck get up without looking back at him and walk towards the engine and Bobby. He let out a heavy breath and wondered where the hell they were going to go from here.

"Hey," he turned to see Hen walking back towards him slowly, eyeing him with a sympathetic smile as he held the ice pack at the back of his head. "How you feeling?"

"Like I don't need to go to the hospital for a bump on the head," he grumbled.

He took the ice pack away and his nose twitched at the sting and the way he could feel the blood still throbbing warm out of the small gash. Hen stepped to his side and took another look at it, raising an eyebrow with an amused smile.

"You and I both know the protocol here," she said, taking out another gauze pad from the supplies and handing it to him. "Keep the pressure on it, it's still bleeding."

"I'm not concussed, you already checked that," he said, doing as he was told despite his protests.

"You need stitches," she said, and he sighed again, trying his best not to move his head to much. "I'm not about to do that in the field. I could, but I won't."

He didn't say anything back to that, just leant against the side of the rig as he waited for them to be ready to head out. Hen was looking at him with a mix of curiosity and worry, turning her gaze out to the engine where she could see Buck and Bobby speaking while Chim helped to pack away their gear. He let his eyes wander back over too, not sure if he was hoping for Buck to look back at him or not, and not surprised when he did anything but look over.

"Eddie," she said, eyes back on him. "Are you sure you're okay?"

He looked up at her and knew that she wasn't talking about his head.

"Yeah," he nodded gently. "Yeah I'm fine."

She looked unconvinced but gave him a nod in return, her eyes searching his face before she was looking for a wet wipe and handing it over to him.

"For the blood," she said, and he used his other hand to wipe at the side of his neck and jaw where it had dribbled down.

He knew she was right of course, and he wouldn’t argue with her about going to the hospital, but all he really wanted was to get back home and sink into his mattress, to try and forget about the last few hours in their entirety.

"You missed a spot," she said as he looked back at her, pointing to her own bottom lip and he paused, catching her gaze in a silent stare.

He could already see it in her eyes, she knew something. She wasn't going to say it, but she knew that he was lying when he said he was fine, and she had a good inkling as to why. But he wasn't in the mood to talk about it, so he just mumbled a quiet 'thanks' and she left him to it, helping the others to pack away as they prepared to leave the scene.

__________

Regardless of the severity of his injury (four stitches was practically a scratch), Eddie was given a few shifts off to rest and recover. He had some mild bruising from the debris and the initial collapse, but he’d had far worse.

Rest was the last thing he was interested in.

It had only been a day, but he was already losing his mind. It didn’t help that he hadn’t heard from Buck at all.

He also had a few shifts off, and Eddie had been arguing with himself about whether he should be the one to reach out first. He had typed out message after message and erased them all, and now so much time had gone by that he had run out of possible things to say.

He didn’t know where to start.

Maybe that was part of the reason that he hadn’t called either.

Eddie sat on the couch only half watching an episode of some procedural drama when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. His heart thrummed in his chest when he saw Buck’s name light up the screen with a text.

      Buck: How's your head?

Eddie exhaled through his nose but couldn't help the way the corner of his lip turned up. They hadn't spoken at all since they'd been pulled out of that building the day prior, leaving things on a somewhat awkward note. Even still, Buck couldn't help but reach out.

      Eddie: Four stitches, otherwise fine. Glad neither of us overreacted.

He smiled as he watched the three dots appear and disappear at the bottom of their message thread. Buck finally replied with a crying with laughter emoji and Eddie knew his attempt to break the ice had worked. Maybe Buck would be able to forget the last few minutes they spent in that building, and they could go on like usual, and Eddie could just pine from across the room knowing that nothing would change between them at the same time as being crushed by the knowledge that nothing would change between them.

Then he saw the typing bubble again at the bottom of his screen and waited patiently for whatever else Buck had to say.

      Buck: Think maybe we need to talk about what happened yesterday?

Eddie sighed again and ran a hand over his face, pressing his fingertips into his temples as another message buzzed in his other hand.

      Buck: You up for company?

As much as Eddie wanted to just sink down into the couch and tell him everything was fine and that they could continue on like the day from hell never happened, he knew Buck was right. They really should talk about it.

     Eddie: If it’s not too late for you then it’s fine with me

     Buck: I’m not the one who falls asleep halfway through every movie

     Buck: I’m coming over

Eddie exhaled heavily as he read the last message. As he walked to the fridge to see if he had any cold beer, he heard a knock at the door.

His brow furrowed.

When he looked through the peephole in the door, he saw Buck standing there and felt the smile cross his lips as he opened it and gave him a questioning stare.

"I was already parked in front of your house," he said sheepishly.

"Of course you were," Eddie said with a comfortable fondness as he stepped aside to let him in.

For a moment there was silence between them as Buck slowly walked into the living room, and Eddie followed. He watched the back of his shoulders as they rose and fell with his deep sigh, finally turning around to look at Eddie with his unreadable blue eyes.

His lips parted like he was going to start whatever conversation this needed to be, but he closed them just as quickly.

Eddie cleared his throat and looked down at his feet with a shake of his head.

“So,” he said finally. “You wanted to talk?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, biting down on his lip. “See I had all these things in my head on the drive over here but um… I kind of don’t know what to say anymore.”

Eddie hummed out a weak laugh and put a hand at the back of his neck.

“That’s… fair,” he said.

“Is it?” Buck looked up at him. “I feel like I should have lots to say.”

“So just…” Eddie flourished his hand in the air between them. “Start. You know you can’t stop once you get going.”

He tried to give him a smile back, but Buck was just watching him.

“You just know me so well, don’t you?” he said softly, making Eddie swallow hard.

“Please Buck, just say what you need to,” he said, he could take it.

Only, he wasn’t sure that he could. He was perfectly fine when his one-sided feelings were hidden, but to have it out in the open when he knew he wouldn’t be able to change it. That was just going to leave an ache in his chest he would never be able to fill.

“Okay,” Buck nodded and shoved his hands into his pockets. “You shouldn’t have done that. You shouldn’t have put yourself on the line for me.”

Eddie’s brow furrowed as he looked back up at Buck, folding his arms over his chest.

“Wait, that’s what you want to talk about?” he said incredulously.

“There was no good reason for you to risk your safety like that, we were almost out.”

“Oh no, you’re not allowed to talk about taking risks,” Eddie shook his head and walked past him and into the kitchen.

He walked over to the counter by the sink and braced both hands against the edge without looking back.

Buck followed, catching the door before it closed on him.

“Our job is risk,” he said. “This was different.”

“You think I’m just going to sit there and let you get hurt if I see something coming?” Eddie spun around to face him.

“I know you’re not,” Buck said. “It’s why you’re such a good partner.”

“Okay so why is this what you want to talk about right now,” Eddie asked, unsure if he should be relieved or annoyed that Buck didn’t want to talk about the other thing.

Somehow this whole conversation still felt like they were talking about it by avoiding it.

“Because if anyone is going to take risks to protect the other it should be me,” he said, and Eddie tried really hard not to give him an eye roll.

“I have four stitches Buck,” he said dryly. “I didn’t get dragged away on a gurney.”

“Yeah, and some bruised ribs,” he raised an eyebrow, and Eddie pursed his lips. Hen must have said something. “And I walked out of there basically scot-free.”

Eddie let his eyes rake over Buck’s features, his kind eyes, his pink lips, the faded stubble on his cheeks. He was so beautiful, so thoughtful and caring, and he loved with so much passion. 

“You still think you’re worth less than the people you care about, don’t you?” Eddie bit down on his tongue as Buck huffed out impatiently.

“That’s not what it’s about. You could have died Eddie, and you’re acting like that was nothing!”

“Why are you so hung up on this?” Eddie shook his head as Buck finally raised his voice.

“Because I don’t know what I would do if I lost you!”

“And you think I don’t feel that way about you?!”

They both just stared back at one another and Eddie closed his eyes, pursing his lips for a moment and taking in a deep breath through his nose.

“Why do you think I did it? If I had just been sitting there when something happened to you…”

“Better than If you had died trying to save me,” Buck said, making Eddie snort.

“Yeah, well I couldn’t live with myself otherwise,” he said. “And hey, at least I would have died knowing Christopher would be taken care of.”

Look at them go, bringing up buried conversations for the third time in two days. Buck’s face dropped like Eddie had just punched him in the gut.

“You’re not funny Eddie.”

“Maybe not,” he said, leaning back against the counter. “But are we really just going to keep arguing about this, knowing neither of us is going to give up? When there’s something else we’re both clearly avoiding.”

If he didn’t know better, he’d have said that Buck’s cheeks flushed pink as he turned his eyes away.

“You never said anything,” he said softly.

“I think we’ve established that I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Eddie mumbled.

“Why did you feel like you couldn’t tell me?”

“I told you; I didn’t want to lose you.”

“In what universe would you lose me? I mean the worst thing I could have done would be to tell you that I don’t feel that way, and yeah, it would have been a bit awkward, but I was never going to cut you out, or distance myself from you.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Maybe, but we can stop worrying about that universe because we’re in this one. And in this one, you kissed me in a collapsed building instead of telling me that you’re into me without giving me the chance to even respond? Is it just some… physical thing that you’ve been waiting to pass?”

“Of course it’s not just that,” Eddie shook his head. “How could you think it’s just some physical thing?”

“You never said anything!” Buck said again, more fervent this time, raising his voice just enough and staring back at Eddie like it was an accusation.

“What was I supposed to say?” Eddie said, escalating right back. “That I might be in love with you? That being so close to you is everything I want and everything that drives me crazy at the same time? That there was no moment of realisation or big ‘oh’ moment, I have no idea how long I’ve felt like this for you. One day I just woke up, and loving you came as naturally as breathing. How the hell was I supposed to tell you that?”

Buck’s lips were parted as he stared back, breathing steadily as the weight of Eddie’s words sunk in.

Oops, he thought. He wasn’t exactly supposed to admit that.

Then again, he wasn’t supposed to kiss Buck in the ruins of a collapsed building either.

He was still waiting for Buck to respond, heart thrumming as he realised that he couldn’t take any of it back. God, he was taking his sweet time with it too.

“So, you feel all that for me…” Buck said finally, watching Eddie with something unreadable in his eyes, a spark. “And you seriously picked that moment to be our first kiss?”

Eddie’s mouth fell open and he closed it again after far too long a moment. He swallowed hard and let his eyes drop to the floor.

“Yeah, I guess I… I guess I wasn’t really thinking straight,” he said, giving Buck a perplexed look as he heard him snort out a laugh.

“No shit,” his lips had a curve at the corner and somehow it broke some of the tension in the air between them. “Do you regret it?”

They stood across from one another, a few feet apart, and just looking over the silence. Eddie thought back to that moment, his hips flush against Buck’s, the smell of smoke and sweat and metal in the air. He remembered the way Buck’s lips felt when he crashed down into them, the taste of his own blood, the fire that came to life and spread through his veins in a way it never had before.

There was no forgetting it. Even though the timing of it was suboptimal, he could never regret kissing Buck. No matter the outcome.

“No,” he said from somewhere deep in the back of his throat.

Buck took in a deep breath, letting it out again with a nervous rattle as he nodded.

“Good.”

Before Eddie could question what Buck meant by that, he was striding across the space between them until there was none left, cupping Eddie’s face in his hands and bringing their lips together hard.

After a moment of shock, Eddie’s hands reached out to grab at Buck’s sides, fingers tightening in his shirt and parting his lips to let Buck in deeper. He was rocked slightly off his feet, stepping back until his back hit the counter and Buck’s chest surged against his own.

This was what their first kiss should have been like.

It was a little awkward as they figured out how to do this with each other, but after a moment, it was like they’d done it a hundred times.

Buck’s tongue slipped past his lips and Eddie let out a moan from low in his throat at the weight of it in his mouth, at the taste, a lingering mint and something else, something distinctly Buck that sent a jolt of electricity all the way down his body. Enduring effects of a lightning strike maybe.

The thought made him smile, and he felt Buck’s lips stretch as he smiled back, kissing at Eddie’s top lip, then the bottom, all before resting his forehead against Eddie’s.

“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about doing that since yesterday,” he said softly, and Eddie opened his eyes to see that Buck’s were tightly closed, his fingertips pressing gently into the back of Eddie’s neck, carefully avoiding his stitches.

“And you waited all this time to come over?” he teased, making Buck laugh.

“Maybe I wanted to make you sweat, also I am mad that you let yourself get hurt for me.”

Eddie’s fingers fanned out against Buck’s sides, closer now than he’d ever thought he’d be.

“You’re not going to get me to apologise for that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“But uh,” he started, and Buck’s lashes fluttered open, making Eddie’s heart thud. “I am sorry that I didn’t say anything earlier. If I knew I’d get this kind of a reaction I—"

“What? You would have jumped me in the bunk room instead of on a concrete floor?” Buck smirked, and Eddie narrowed his eyes.

“I did not jump you,” he said.

Buck hummed out in reply, dragging his hands down over Eddie’s shoulders to his chest, and then back up again.

“You kind of did,” he said. “Launching on top of me like that.”

“So I’m forgiven then?”

“You’re not getting out of it that easy,” Buck said, eyes raking over Eddie’s features and then back up to meet his gaze.

Eddie’s arm snaked around Buck’s waist and pulled him in close. He closed his eyes and let Buck’s lips sink into him again.

He could get used to this.

“One question though,” Eddie pulled back and narrowed his eyes up at Buck. “Did you have to be in my lap? Back in that building?”

Buck had a cheeky grin on his face as he shrugged.

“Is it the being in your lap that you have a problem with, or the context?”

Eddie laughed, holding him tighter so that their hips were pressed flush together.

“I’ll let you figure that one out,” he said.

Buck smirked, warming Eddie’s body at just the sight of it. “Can’t wait.”