Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Casey couldn't keep the smile off his face when Hallie walked through the elegant wooden door Dawson had picked out for the bar. Oh he knew that he probably shouldn't dare to hope, that she probably hadn't changed her mind on having a family, but he was still happy to see her. At the end of the day, they were still friends first and had been together for years. They may not want the same things out of a relationship, but they could still talk and meet up and well, other things.

And hey. maybe she had changed her mind. He could only hope anyway. There wasn't anything wrong with grabbing a coffee and catching up. Right?

He didn't quite know what to do other than to smile when they arrived at the cafe, he was just so surprised to see her. Drinking their coffee in comfortable silence, as if they’d never been apart wasn't as awkward as he'd expected it to be considering how it had ended the last time, it was as if they were just continuing from where they had left off.

He hated that he wasn't sure about all this, Hallie turning up made things more complicated than he needed right now, and with what they had found at the end of their shift, it looked like it was going to get more complicated. As much as he missed her and wanted her back, he also would rather she be away from everything until it was cleared up again.

"You okay, Matt?" Hallie looked worriedly at him.

He smiled at her, "I'm fine.", he knew it was his standard answer, but he didn't see any point in worrying her right now, not when he didn't know what it meant yet. Voight was still behind bars as well which helped a little but then how has Curtis been found and who else knew about it.

She gave him a look as if to say she didn't believe him but then that was normal as well. He smiled again and they chatted about what they had been doing over the past few months.

After and few more minutes of chatting, Matt began to feel groggy and a little nauseous, maybe he had been working too hard recently and was coming down with something. Or maybe he'd just drunk too much coffee, and his body needed to sleep rather than be kept awake. 

The silence only became awkward when they'd finished their drinks and didn't know what to do next.

"So..."

"Shall..."

They spoke at the same time; they looked at each other and smiled and Casey indicated to Hallie that she should continue first.

"I should probably let you get some rest."

Thinking about it, he was starting to feel the past few days catch up to him, maybe, if he rain-checked, and got some rest, he'd feel up to catching a movie with her later in the day as long as she wasn't back on shifts yet.

He was about to ask her as they stood up, but he stumbled slightly and grabbed the table for support, suddenly dizzy and feeling rather warm, maybe he really was coming down with something, he sighed, that's just what he needed.

"You sure you're okay, Matt?" She looked worried now, grabbing for him, “What’s going on Matt?”

He sat down again and looked up at her but felt a little disconnected from his surroundings, brain foggy, sounds dulled; then the feeling went as quick as it came so he stood up tall, pretending that everything was fine because it was. Right?

"Come on, Matt, let me take you home." Her voice was getting further away, and he could feel her small hands leading him away from the café.

He found himself agreeing through sheer exhaustion that had settled deep into his bones. Hallie was safe and would look after him, she’s always had. Especially when he had a talent of not looking after himself when he was busy or stressed.

During the journey home he found that he struggled to keep his eyes open; body lethargic and heavy, scenery rushing past, too quick to really take it in fully.

He was losing track of time every time he blinked the scenery would change from familiar to not and back again. The journey was taking a bit longer than normal and attempted to open his heavy eyelids to no avail. There was something dragging him down into unconscious oblivion and he couldn’t stop it, not even if he wanted to.

Something that wasn't down to him just being tired.

Thoughts were muddling together in his mind, and he couldn't find one single line of thought to concentrate on. Something was wrong, he'd been given something.

Drugged.

His breathes became shallower as his consciousness started slipping away, like sand through his fingers.

Maybe... it was Voight, but then he was still in prison...but then again....they’d just found Curtis dead...and it wouldn't take too much for someone to slip something into a drink...damn!

What about Hallie?

"Hallie?" His voice was thin and strained past the numbness of sleep that was creeping through his body.

Maybe. she'd been drugged as well, putting her in danger driving.

His head moved sluggishly round to look at her.

Hallie!

But the words couldn’t make it passed his dry lips.

Except, she looked fine.

Before Casey fell unconscious in the passenger seat of Hallie's car, speeding away from his house, he knew he was in trouble.

There was a cold pit in his gut which wasn’t helped by what sounded like her making a call to someone unknown; and just before he was pulled into oblivion, said something that turned his blood cold.

“I’m sorry.”

And that was the last thing Matt Casey heard.

TBC

Chapter Text

Chapter 2:

Deny. Deny. Deny.

Something felt wrong, his body was frozen, breaths puffing out in white clouds.  

His thoughts were slow, vision blurred around the edges.

Casey waking up exhausted and cold, wasn't a completely alien situation to him since his job sometime took a lot out of him physically and his heating would pack in when it got frozen over.

But this was different in two very big, almost glaring ways.  

One, that it wasn't the usual kind of exhausted that you'd get running into a blazing fire and hauling people out of buildings, though he couldn't say that wasn't there either. It was the kind of drugged, stuff your head with massive amounts cotton wool, type of exhausted you got when you found yourself unfortunately waking up in hospital having had surgery and still on strong painkillers.

Two, the cold wasn't because his heating had decided to stop working again or had frozen over. More it was the chilling breeze that was coming from the open door on the other side of the room that he was currently in and the fact that all he had on was a t-shirt and a pair of faded jeans that he'd left work in. No shirt, jacket or even shoes or socks which was odd.

Flexing his muscles he realised just how odd a situation he was in.

Apart from the stone floor his feet were planted to being freezing cold and making a good attempt at turning his toes into ice cubes, his wrists and ankles were tied firmly with rough rope to the arms and legs of an almost hospital hard type of wooden chair. If he moved even a little the rope would tear a layer of skin off his wrists and ankles, he'd found that out just a second ago when he was flexing and cursed at the tightness of the rope.

His mind was muddled still from whatever he had been given, his short-term memory was like a train wreck, bits of what had happened over the last few hours everywhere and not everything making sense. But what he did remember, was that he hadn't been on his own.

Hallie had been in the car with him, and he would never forgive himself if something happened to her because of trouble that he'd been mixed up in.

He shouted her name a few times, his anxiety increasing as it received no response.

Where was she?

If he was honest, it seemed like he was trapped in a nightmare, everything seemed disconnected and sluggish, even his movements since he had awoken. I mean, he hadn't really seen Hallie smile as he had lost consciousness...had he?

No. He couldn't, wouldn’t believe that; it was too irrational. Hallie wouldn't do that...wouldn't be involved in something like this.

Wouldn’t betray him like this.

Maybe he was just getting his memories mixed up.

But then where was she? Why wasn’t she here with him

Why had they left the door wide open, taunting him with escaping

like that to mess with him, making him think that he was so close to escaping but never could.

That hope was futile.

An odd sense of hopelessness was creeping up through his frozen toes, right through to his inner being, increasing his heart rate. Wispy tendrils of fear clung to his skin, but he wouldn't let them in because Matthew Casey didn't do scared and weak. He would fight until he couldn't anymore.

Those wispy tendrils took hold stronger, turning into thick ivy vines when he realised just who this could have been when the memory of Curtis fluttered passed his vision.

Voight.

That and nobody would miss him for at least a day or two, when they were next due on shift.

Voight could do a lot of damage in that time, even in prison, the man was probably well connected.

Shaking his head, he tried to clear his foggy vision, whatever he had been given had been strong and didn't agree with him as the nausea he'd been feeling after waking up had increased ten-fold and he felt rather sweaty even though the temperature in the room itself was cool.

He cursed himself for not looking after himself properly since Hallie had left again, she'd always warned him about his eating habits and running himself into the ground with work.

The memory of Hallie calling someone and say that she had him invaded his muddled mind. ‘I’m sorry’, but why would she have been sorry? What did she have to be sorry about.

Surely, she wouldn't have led him to this.

But then maybe, he'd led her to this, trying to force her into something he knew she didn't want. Maybe, he'd driven her away to that other country where she'd been vulnerable to the horrible side of people there and it was all his fault for putting her in that position.

Guilt was a familiar friend of his and had been for a long time, and while the rational part of his mind told him that it wasn't his fault that everything had happened, guilt was hardly a rational emotion. Maybe if he was a better person, he wouldn't push people away or into to doing something horrible. Maybe, if he'd been a better son all those years ago, things wouldn’t have...

A loud banging noise in the distance startled him unusually, what in the hell had he been given that had him on edge? Something was causing his skin to crawl and sweat to bead down his face, overheating and yet cold at the same time.

But nothing else happened for the minute after, or even a few minutes after, Casey half expected for footsteps to follow the noise that could have easily been a door being slammed opened or shut, but nothing.

It was starting to creep him out, he’d faced many hairy situations before, I mean it came with the job, he'd even been trapped in rooms where the entrance had been cut off by falling building or fire.

That he could handle without a problem, but this, this was new even for him.

Then there was another loud bang, and this time it was followed by complete darkness, the dim light swinging on a thin cord that had vaguely illuminated his way out and partially down a dank corridor was now dark.

Leaving the drugs still running around his system and the darkness to mess further with his tired, foggy mind.

Just as his vision was adjusting, he thought he felt the air move beside him, causing his tightly bound limbs to scrape against the harsh rope as he tried to move to see what it was.

But this also was futile, he couldn't see a thing, so he strained his ears, using the senses he still had to his advantage.

And he realised, albeit a little late, that the presence that he thought had just moved past him was standing right next to him now.

All he could hear was the breathing of the other person and the sound of his own heart rate beating faster before his head was snapped to the side when a punch to the jaw that had him seeing stars and shadows in the darkness that was all encompassing.

He'd been just about to spit out the taste of his own coppery blood when a dirty rag was forced into his mouth, much to his protest and detriment as he received a few more punches to his unprotected mid-section and securely fastened with duct tape.

He was really in trouble here.

The presence still hadn't spoken a word.

And he couldn't see anything through the stifling darkness.   

All he could do was hope that Hallie didn't have anything like this happening to her, his mind was still muddled from the drugs and was still allowing him to deny the fact that she had been the last person he had been with, and he'd remembered the phone call and the apology.

He attempted to loosen to ropes so he could fight back, do something, but it was no use, anytime he tried now, he would receive a punch to some unprotected area of his body.

The guilt was back, screaming at him that he should have tried harder earlier, and filling is head of images of Hallie being in a similar situation.

Not allowing him to see the truth because it would be too hard to handle.

All the compartmentalising ability in the world wouldn't stretch that far, not in his world where Hallie was or had been the one good thing in his life and until he saw evidence to the contrary; then denial was safer.

He felt the eyes of the other presence in the room staring at him and heard laughter, it wasn't a nice sound, not at all.

It was laughing at the turmoil it could see he was in.

Almost as if it knew exactly what he was thinking.

And there was something very wrong about that.

There were only a few people that knew how he thought.

That didn't leave many options.

It was someone he knew, or that knew how he reacted to this kind of situation.

But it's not like he could ask any questions; bound, gagged and lethargic with the drugs he’d been given.

All he could do was sit there, eyes widened in horror at the person starting back at him through torchlight, making their face look menacing.

His mind was a hive of scrambled questions, none with an answer forthcoming.

And for the first time since he'd woken up, the gravity of the situation thickened the vines of fear piercing his skin right through to the core of his being.

He may not make it out of this alive.

Leaving his team without its leader and letting them all down, and it would be completely and totally his fault.

Just like it would be if Hallie was hurt or held hostage here as well.

TBC

Chapter Text

Kelly Severide, while driving to work two days later, thought it odd that the other lieutenant's truck was parked outside a café. Especially since Casey was generally in work before him as the guy just didn't know when to stop sometimes. Didn’t know how to relax.

Can you blame him though?

Sighing heavily, he knew that some of it had been his fault over the last few months, they used to hang out quite often together with Andy and... well, that had just stopped as if it never existed. He’d admitted to himself a while ago that he'd been an ass to Casey afterwards and even more recently with the whole Heather thing. Over the last couple of days off, Shay had forced him to see the error of his ways and remember that Casey wouldn't actually do any of the things that he was accusing him of. She had also tried to convince him to call Matt of the last two days to get it all out in the open.

However, he'd put it off, just like the Tara thing and thought it could be dealt with later, like maybe at work when they got there this morning. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a bad feeling crept into his gut as he drove past.

What he couldn't see from the angle he was driving which would certainly cause alarms bells to go off, was the two days’ worth of tickets in the windscreen wipers which had built up.

He shrugged off his concern though, maybe Matt had just made it into work a different way because the truck was broken or something like that or he'd gone home with Hallie as apparently she had shown up at Molly's the other day when he'd been called back to the firehouse.

Arriving at the firehouse, Kelly wrapped up against the chill in the air he thought about what today's shift might bring. Also hoping that he’d finally make amends because he truly did want his best friend back. As much as they fought, they also cared or at least had done in the past. It upset him that Matt wouldn’t fight for them, constantly feeling that he didn’t deserve friendship, wasn’t worth it. He’d just exist quietly, not an ounce of pain showing, but Kelly knew what to look for and he would see it when Matt hadn’t noticed he was staring.

I’m sorry, Matt.

Upon entering, he could tell that something was wrong, the atmosphere was far too tense and unsure. He walked into the dining area and when Casey's team saw Severide they asked him a bunch of questions as if it were his fault. The one clear question out of the many being.

"Where’s Casey?"

He resented that his actions in the past and recently had meant that Casey's team felt the need to come at him like they were and sighed.

"Look guys, I don't know where he is, I've not seen him since the last time we were on shift." He hoped that they would believe the honesty in his tone, but he knew it was going to be hard for them to believe him.

He expected them to look at him like he'd been lying and to his surprise and adding to the feeling that something was really wrong, they looked at him like he'd been their last hope of finding out where their team leader was and it unsettled him deeply to see it.

There was something else going on here and he needed to know what it was. Knowing the question he was about to ask they all spoke in turn of how they had tried to contact Casey and Hermann spoke about a project with the Bar that he'd promised to help with and didn't show up.

Casey always kept his promises.

Shit!

Boden walked into the dining area with a serious face, his presence hushing the conversation between the two teams. He took a breath and addressed the room with a heaviness that could be felt by all.

"Voight has escaped." He looked around at the one person that this would affect the most, upon finding him missing and the looks his other men's faces, he feared the answer to the question that needed to be asked.

"What's happened?" His voice low with concern.

With nobody forthcoming with an answer, Severide stepped forward.

"We don't know where Casey is."

The frown on Bowden's face deepened, that wasn't the news he wanted to hear right now.

Severide turned to leave the room, amid calls for him to stop and asked where he was going.

Feeling more and more guilty by the minute that he hadn't checked up on one of his best friends because of his own damn attitude; he was going to Matt's house, hoping that he'd just merely overslept, and all this worry was for nothing.

The atmosphere outside of Casey's house didn't match the inner turmoil of the person entering the too quiet house. He still had his spare key from when they had been good friends which was lucky but it only made him feel worse about everything.

Searching the silent house, with two days worth of post behind the door, and not finding his friend sleeping drove up his guilt to epic levels.

Why hadn't he at least called him?

He'd tried on his way over here like the others had this morning and gotten the answer machine straight away as if it had been turned off. Matt what never unreachable, Hallie's number was the same and she hadn't been into work for as long as they were now assuming Matt had been missing.

Which meant they were both missing.

Chicago was a big city to search.

And it killed him that he could have easily come to check up on him and may have noticed sooner that he was missing. The guilt was tearing into his chest.

Where are you Case.

With a heavy heart, he called the chief so they could contact the police department to see if they could get things starting on searching for their missing people. Because Hallie was one of their own as well.

X-Chicago Fire-X

Voight.

 The shock of the reveal froze Casey to the spot; the tendrils of fear digging deeper than he thought possible. This was the man that had tried to have him killed.

One who had connections to people who had hurt and tortured many people. One who had caused him and Hallie to live in fear until he had been put behind bars. He wondered briefly just how he had gotten out.

The taste of his own blood mixed with the musty taste of the rag that was drying his mouth almost caused him to gag, but he knew that he would be a very bad idea at the moment.

With the darkness of the room complete, there was no passage of time, his watch had been taken and there were no windows to speak of so he’d no idea of how long he'd already been here, if he was late for work and leaving his team a man down. That did not sit well with Casey, it wasn't that they couldn't do the job without him, it was just that he'd prefer to be there for his team.  

And now that Voight seemed to be free he might go after the team simply because of the association between Casey and the friendships he had formed with his men. It wasn't like the guy didn't know what was important to Casey after all.

Still trying to comprehend how Voight had managed to get out, his thoughts were cut short when his world was toppled backwards by a strong hand slamming into his chest, causing the chair he was sat on and his head to smash against the unforgiving concrete behind him.

Dazed, in pain the world became a blur. He thought he saw Hallie between the waves of light and agony, signalling one hell of a concussion starting up due to the force of the impact with the floor. He would have groaned or breathed deeply to try and settle the pain but the cloth suffocating, leaching the moisture from his mouth, him prevented him from breathing deep and severely cut down the air supply to his body; breathing was quite difficult now, short, shallow breaths.  

For a moment he thought he heard Hallie trying to talk to him, attempting to sooth him like she used to; but everything was garbled through the ringing in his ears and not knowing if she was really there or not. Straining already exhausted muscles he turned away not wanting her to see him hurt as he knew it had upset her the last time he'd been in hospital, he couldn't stand to see her worried.

I’m sorry Hallie. I should have protected you.

Once his head had stopped spinning and the heaving in chest had calmed down, he noticed that the lights had come back on; migraine inducing and far, far too bright. Squinting around through slightly blurred vision he noticed something that didn't bode well for him at all. The rising panic that his mind was succumbing to was alien for him, it made him question again what he'd been given. He was used to highly charged situations and managed them without panic, this was different sure, but he was sure something else was at work here.

Old blood stained chains were hanging off the cold stone walls, smudges of red haphazardly strew across the grim grey walls almost like clouds against a grim sky. Had he been that pre-occupied that he'd not noticed them? Or had he been moved? But that didn't make sense either.  He shook his head in effort to clear the fog in his mind but immediately regretted it when his world spun at an odd angle again.

 A hand came out of the confusing swirls his head was making around the room; dragged him and the chair he was sat on bolt upright so fast that his stomach rebelled against him.

His body spasmed, muscles shaking from the lack of oxygen and effort not to choke on the acidic bile that was creeping up his throat. Hands grabbing uselessly at the arms of the chair, driving splinters into his skin.

The ensuing minutes of confusion a few things happened all at once.

Somebody that disturbingly sounded a lot like Hallie shouted at Voight to stop what he was doing.

“Stop! Please, Stop!”

But he didn’t understand how this was possible, she wasn’t here, was she? Just a figment of his own muddled imagination.

Maybe this was some kind of nightmare? This couldn’t be happening, not really. Voight was not out and Hallie was safe. 

Matt's body continued to convulse with the effort hang on; ripping further layers of skin from his wrists and ankles, he couldn’t breathe and couldn't make any sense of what was happening around him; the edges of his vision greying and wavering to black.

The duct tape and rag were suddenly and roughly ripped from his face, but he was already spent of energy and was only clutching on to reality by a thin thread. A thin strand of saliva or bile leaking out the side of his mouth, lips chapped and dry. His cough effort was non-existent and his breathing shallow, rasping roughly around the room, trying to right the balance of oxygen and carbon dioxide but failing.

He could vaguely feel someone shaking at his shoulders, but it didn't really register in his brain before his body shut down. There was one last whisper of thought before the darkness consumed him.

I’m sorry I failed.

TBC

Chapter Text

Duplicity

Waking up the second time, if possible, was worse.

Body heavy, lethargic, muscles and joints aching deeply. Memory fuzzy from drugs and pain; unsure if they’d given him more.

There was drip, drip, dripping somewhere to the left of him, echoing around and setting his body on edge.

He didn’t know where he was, why he was here.

Nothing was making sense.

Something clinked and scrapped above him, but he wasn’t sure where it was coming from.  

Parts and fragments still crashing around his mind, wavering, fleeting but nothing really he could grasp; causing a headache which throbbed behind his eyes. But that could have been dehydration as well.  The water had been scarce and food non-existent, not that he was hungry in any case with the drugs coursing through his system.

The dim room that seemed to be his unwanted home for the moment seemed colder than the last time he had awoken in it.

Though in all fairness, that could have also been down to the fact that he was now half sitting and half lying on the frozen stone floor from earlier, he’d also lost his t-shirt since the last time he’d been awake. Shifting slightly, a stinging pain in his ankles and wrists vaguely reminded him of the jerking of his body; convulsions he barely remembered. It had led to layers of skin being ripped off to the point they were now red raw and seeping blood slowly.

That was when he noticed the other subtle changes from the last time.

He was alone, no open door to make him think he could escape, the dim light above swinging gently allowing some light to the room. No windows, no passage of time. No presence in the room this time either, no shadows to make him think someone was watching him. Just nothing. Breath hitching slightly as panic danced the edge of his weary mind.

He was completely alone

He would die alone with no answers. And wasn’t that just typical of his whole life.

That's what the point of this was now and he didn't understand why.

Suddenly, that seemed worse than anything else that had been done to him so far.

Forcing away these thoughts he focused on the rest of his new predicament.

Heavy manacles had been secured to his already raw wrists, forcing his already tired arms above his head, making movement awkward and painful. Pausing a moment watching as the small rivulets blood trickle down and around in circles towards his elbows- there, just at the crease where his arm should bend there was a telltale sign of needle marks, how much had they given him already, how long had he been here? The thick chain connected him to the damp wall, it seemed to have been purposely made short to make sure he couldn't move.

Puffing out shaky breaths that seemed to have started to rattle through his chest; an internal heat that could indicate a fever building but his skin like ice. Wondered at the details of this whole thing, what he thought he’d heard, it couldn’t have been, it was a hallucination; even if he had upset her, she wouldn't have been involved in this.

It just wasn't in her nature.

He trusted her. They’d known each other for years.

And he was so tired of trusting the wrong people, his head bobbed down in exhaustion, vision blurring, body giving in to rest.

But it wasn’t to last, as soon as his mind shut down enough to sleep, arms dropping, pain drove him awake, wincing at the added pressure the cold metal cuffs were putting on his torn wrists he decided that maybe standing up would be a better idea, and maybe it would get his blood flowing again to his cold limbs.

Taking a deep breath, using the chains to drag himself up, he readied himself to stand. Expecting that something was going to hurt almost made it better. Almost.

What he didn't ready himself for though, was the tilt-o-whirl impression that his vision did as he stood, sending him straight back down to the unforgiving floor, he'd forgotten about the previous blow to the head. The metal biting even more at his wrists and muscles stretching to almost beyond their limit and a pop of his left shoulder sent shards of pain through his brain, hot tears of pain and frustration escaping, breathing ragged and harsh in the silence.

Once he got his body under control again, he groaned; getting out any time soon was looking slimmer by the minute in his condition. Head leaning against the slimy wall made him shudder, right arm needing to take his weight now from the chains. Left arm limply held by the chain above him, no strength to give to him.

Not being able to do anything physically right now was a problem, always had been, it left him thinking of all the things he'd done wrong up to now.

Maybe, he shouldn't have gone after Voight like he had, but then he kicked himself at the thought because it had been the right thing to do, even Hallie had known that. That had never been questioned.

Having decided that Hallie wasn't a part of this and that he was just mixing up his memories, because she wouldn’t be part of this, part of hurting him like this; he wasn't expecting what was to come next.

And that it would change everything he knew.

He pushed away the thoughts that were bombarding his brain; it wasn't going to help him right now. He needed to get out of here and probably sooner rather than later if the weakness he was feeling and the amount of his blood staining the floor was anything to go by. It wasn't that he's wrists and ankle were bleeding profusely but weeping wounds were deceptive and everything was burning.

Deep in thought, the door slamming into the wall startled Matt.

He'd been expecting Voight, or one of his cronies to appear at the door like they had sporadically in the last few days to rough him up a little more, just to make his life more miserable.

Who he did see however, turned his already nauseous stomach. He'd been so convinced that this wouldn't be the case, but then he already had a suspicion of the same thing. He'd just had the hope that he wouldn't be proven wrong. That he could still trust in people. 

But it was Hallie that stood there, not tied up, not hurt, not that he wanted that for her, but it meant that she was at least partly responsible for his current situation.

And even with her standing there he didn't really want to believe it.

Thoughts raced faster through his pounding head, making him dizzy.

"Hallie?" His voice quiet, shocked.

The questions held in the tone too difficult for him to voice. The rug had well and truly been pulled from under him.

"Matt, i'm sorry, I..." She moved towards him, reaching for him, but he moved away as much as he could, disbelief on his normally stoic face.

She had to look away from him, she knew how hard it was for him to trust anyone with as much as he had shared with her. She knew it would kill him, but it also had to be done, she just hoped that he would understand it someday.

His state shocked her, a rattle in his chest, bruises, blush of colour high on his cheeks and his left shoulder looked out of place. What had they done to him? But she’d had no choice. She didn’t!

Matt looked at her closely, he could tell that she was sorry to some extent, but it didn't override the betrayal he felt. Never would he have thought she would do something like this and especially with Voight, someone he had tried to protect her from, and this is how she repaid him. Teaming up with someone that tried to harass them to the point they feared for their safety.

It didn't make any kind of sense. He noticed that she had come closer again and suddenly felt that he was too exposed, too hurt, mentally and physically.

“Matt, your shoulder.” She was still fighting herself. Torn between wanting to help him and pleading with him to understand the decision she’s had to make.

"Don't." He didn't shout and that only made her feel worse, he'd been starved and locked up like an animal, he didn't have the energy to get angry. Even worse than all that, she could see he had shut down emotionally, there was now a mask where his endearing neutral expression would be when he didn’t know what to do.

"Matt, I..." She paused, he wouldn't look at her, "I didn't have a choice."

At that he looked up, but the expression was the same, as if the last eight years of their life were gone, that loving look he’d always had on his face when he saw her was nowhere to be seen now.  

"There's always a choice." Matt really wanted to believe her. he honestly did, but there is also always a choice, whether to do the right thing or not. He wasn't so naive to think that there was only right and wrong, shades in between did exist, but this was wrong in so many ways that he didn't know what would happen now. To them, to her.  

For a moment he thought she was going to hurt him when a flare of anger sparked up in her eyes, but she remained relatively calm as she spoke her next words.

"They have my sister and her children, Matt, if there had been any other way..." She looked sadly at him trying to make him see the truth in her words, that she really hadn't had a choice.

To her surprise, the question she thought he was going to ask didn't get asked, she'd thought he was going to question her about how she could be able to trade his life for theirs like a normal person would have. He said instead, "I could have helped you, you know I would do anything for them. For you." And he said it with so much acceptance that it physically pained her, tears blurring her vision now,

 Matt Casey would never have even thought about himself for a second and she knew it, deep down she knew that was the reason she'd done this because she knew Matt would have accepted it without question because he valued every other person's life above his own. She couldn't have risked going to the police to try to get help, it had to be this way. Her finding out about Curtis solidified this for her, Voight had taunted her with this fact.

She hated herself for it and probably would for the rest of her life.

"Matt, I..." She tried to step towards him again but the heavy wince when he tried to move away from her again, stopped her. Voight and his cronies had put Matt through a lot, she could see the evidence all over his chest, back and arms. She never had liked to see him hurt even slightly and this was more than just slightly; and she could hear the wheeze in his voice when he spoke, that either meant he was getting ill from the cold room, or that his ribs were putting pressure on his lungs.

"I'll ask just one question..." but he stopped as a coughing fit overtook him, damn he thought just what he needed, though he knew it had been coming on for the last few hours.

Their eight-year relationship and the doctor in her made her want to step forward to help him but she realised that she had lost that right the moment she'd drugged him and handed him over to Voight.

"Ask me anything." She sighed sadly after the cough fit had passed and his breathing had calmed down. He looked how she felt, drained from the whole situation.

"Are you absolutely sure that he is telling the truth?"

At first, she thought the question odd, but she thought back to how she had been told, she had just taken Voight at his word. I mean sure she had rung her sister and got no answer from her mobile or home, but her sister sometimes forgot to charge her phone with looking after the kids and wasn't at home much.  She hadn't looked any further than that in her panic.

Looking at Matt's bruised and battered appearance, thinking about what they had gone through the last time Voight was around, he had been mostly focused on Matt after all and just took Voight at his word.

She paled.

What had she done.

Could all of this have been for nothing?

Matt, I’m so sorry.

TBC

Chapter Text

……You’re going to die here Matthew Casey……mark my words…..we’ll take our time…make you suffer.

….Go to hell Voight….

Rough hands pushed him up against the slimy wall, squeezing around his throat, he tried to kick out to no effect. More hands, deep voices belong to shadows with no faces or names, holding him while others drove needles under his skin……

There was shouting, screaming echoing around the room, sounds spinning around him and he couldn’t really make sense of it, everything was moving so fast making his stomach churn….

Then he jolted awake, tears and fevered sweat trickling down his face, his short blonde hair sticking to his forehead. Head pounding incessantly.

Then his chest spasmed, harsh coughs draining him of more energy, not that he had much left.  Groaning, he looked around to see if there was anything that he could use to get out of here. Surely the team knew he’d be missing by now.

Each time Matt woke up, he seemed to have new needle marks, new bruises; none of which he remembered getting while he was conscious. He wondered what drugs they were using to keep him subdued enough that he could barely fight back, because it was clear he was losing the fights given how cluttered his arms and chest were with cuts, burns- huh that’s new- and bruises.   This time his shoulder seemed to be where it should, but now was more painful, daggers of agony running up and down his arm.  

The room was still damp, he was still chained to the wall, fever still climbing which wasn’t helping with figuring out how long he’d been here now. It felt like days going off his stomach and headache that were his ever-faithful companions now, he was past hunger and just plain nauseous constantly. Shadows swirled around the room if he looked long enough, mind playing tricks again.  He was at the end of his tether-

He snorted, tether, that’s funny. God, he was losing it, mind slipping away from him.

He grabbed the chains, shaking them a bit to see if they’d pull free, not remembering if he’d tried this yet.

Well, looking on the bright side, Voight seemed to want him alive for a little longer as he had been given small amounts of water throughout his stay, likely just wanting him to suffer for as long as possible and enjoyed keeping Matt hostage while watching his guys beat the shit out of him.

He hoped that Hallie was at least safe, even if the betrayal ran deep, simmering under the surface never to find light. He still blamed himself in a way, but his mind was telling him that she'd had a choice here and she'd chosen.... well, he couldn't say the rest of what he was thinking lest it destroy the hold he had on his emotions. That's all he had now.

The manacles around his wrists were getting heavier, his breaths more audible now, even to him. The coughing kept him awake when he wasn’t drugged, sending spikes of pain through his whole body when they gripped him.

Once he'd gotten over the initial physical and psychological pain of awaking up a hostage in this cold room, he'd begin a new routine of finding a way out until exhaustion set in. Though he had been sent one saving grace as one point, he'd found a slither of some kind of metal and had been trying to unlock the manacles ever since, ignoring the scrapes he was adding to his already raw wrists.

He briefly wondered if he'd been missed on shift yet, but Voight had taunted him, telling him that his team didn't need him, that they were fine without him. He'd not completely given up on the hope of being found and this flickering optimism fuelled his resolve to survive. He knew it was pointless to hope on the person he'd gone to in the past, it was obvious to him now that they’d only tolerated him for Andy’s sake, but the rest of the team might still come.

He could still fight for them, for the firehouse.

With that thought in mind his hands twisted more, digging at the metal, trying to release the chains holding him.

He flinched as footsteps sounded behind the door.

Was he out of time?

X-Chicago Fire-X

Severide watched, guilt twisting in his stomach, as the men and women of firehouse 51, Casey's friends, walked dejectedly to their cars heading home.  He knew there wouldn't be any real rest for any of them, not until Casey had been found.

Not until Matt was safe.

The shift had dragged horribly, they'd had a few calls, regular stuff. They'd been professional to a tee, they always were, no matter the torment in other aspects of life. All of them knew they could work together and trust each other while on a call. Which is why guilt was twisting away at him, because everyone at the firehouse had someone else; someone they entrusted with their personal lives and such dramas that came with life, someone who would watch out for them, someone who'd watch their backs.

It had been a stark realisation earlier in the day that drove his current dilemma. Who had been watching Matt's back? Who had been there for him? It had hit him like a tonne of bricks, the memories, swirling enough to make him dizzy.

Matt, while fiercely stoic and close-lipped about discussing emotions and problems, used to come to him...well, kind of...once Kelly prodded and poked at him telling him he could share the burden. Eventually, it had been him and Andy who’d notice when Matt was out of sorts and practically force him to share what was going on and they would help him even if he didn’t think he needed it. It just worked for them in ways that no one could explain.  

But then Andy died, and he'd been so wrapped up in grief that he stopped. When Matt had tried to talk to him, wanting to help, Kelly had pushed him away. Sometime with words, more times physically, not wanting that connection of friendship, which could be taken away in an instant. So, he'd pushed and shoved and raged against the world until he felt like he could handle things again. Not realising that his need to not get attached had left Matt drifting. Alone. To face Andy's death, to face Hallie breaking his heart, to face his mother’s trial, to face arguments with his sister over what the right thing to do was.

Just watched as his other friends’ life fell apart.

Most importantly, he had left Matt defenceless because the only person Matt would really speak to was him.

It was killing him because the shift had been too long, because they hadn't heard anything from Gabby's brother and because Matt wasn’t here with them. Wasn’t where he was needed, where he should be and where he’d made a family out of a firehouse.

And because this had been the second shift without Casey trying to make amends with him.

Which also meant that Casey had been missing for six days with the way their shifts worked. Twenty-Four on, Forty-eight off. But to him it had been one hundred and forty-four hours too long.

He had started to wonder what condition Matt would be in after that long, but he'd immediately stopped, it was too hard to think about that when he remembered what Gabby's brother had said about kidnappings and survival rates. He didn’t want to hear it, not now, not at all.

Damn it!

He pounded his fists against the table he was sat at, they’d been told everything was being done by the police, that there was nothing they weren’t looking at but without any leads at all it was impossible. His gut wasn't telling him anything, nothing that could explain this other than Matt was in danger. Of that he was partly grateful, at least in danger meant he was still alive.

He wasn’t willing to think anything else, not at all. No way!

Taking deep breaths to calm his nerves, Kelly lifted his weary body up from the chair he'd been sat in and willed his body to move towards his car so he could get his plan started.

He was going to drive around himself looking out for anything and try talking to people Matt knew to see if he could find him himself. He'd be dammed if he'd wait through another shift wondering if his friend was going to live or not.

And that first inkling of doubt that soared through his gut almost stopped him cold. Would be get there in time, if at all?

However, he didn't have much time to think about it when he turned to go to his car he saw a familiar figure walking towards him.

"Hallie?" His voice was rough with anxiety.

The closer she came, the more exhausted she looked, the more she looked like she'd been crying non-stop. Severide led her to a chair in the hope that she could help him find Matt, she'd been missing along with him until now, so maybe if she was free then he was as well.

She looked like she didn't know how to start the conversation.

"Hallie, what happened? Are you hurt?" She flinched at the last question. She didn’t deserve his concern.

No, she was fine, practically unharmed...but Matt....he....but she couldn't even find the words to explain. So, she shook her head sadly, trying to think of something to tell Kelly.

Severide waited; God he hated waiting but that's all he could do right now. When she finally spoke, nothing in their world could have prepared him for what he was going to hear, and it didn't convince the doubt that had been gathering to go away either. In fact, it intensified it ten-fold because he knew, knew that this kind of betrayal would push Matt over the same edge that he'd done a good job of starting.

"It was all for nothing."

Her words were so soft he barely heard them, but the anguish in the whispered words hit him solidly in the chest like a wrecking ball and he knew it was going to be bad.

"What? Hallie, what was all for nothing?" His tone a measured calm mixed with need. He needed to know what had happened.

"Hallie?" He encouraged again, he was restless, he needed to be doing something right now and not sitting waiting for an answer that may not come. They were running out of time; he could just feel it now.

Hallie seemed to find some resolve and started trying to explain what had happened. "I'm sorry, Voight has him...he threatened my sister and her kids....and I couldn't risk it...I knew he'd help...knew he'd accept...I'm sorry...I shouldn't have believed him...I'm sorry"

"Hallie, wait, slow down," She wasn't making sense, they'd already figured that Matt had been taken by Voight and he'd gotten that Hallie felt responsible for it, but he couldn't see why it was her fault.  "It's not your fault, Voight is a nasty piece of work. Matt knows that. You didn't do anything wrong, Hallie." But Kelly saw that tears had started rolling down her cheeks.

Her next response stopped him cold. A feeling of dread crept into his weary bones.

"I didn't even double check on my sister....I... just drugged him....handed him over.... like he was nothing... " She looked up and had to immediately look away from him, she couldn't stand the betrayal in his eyes, mostly because she knew that's how Matt felt but refused to let that show, not in front of her, not now.

Severide had no idea what to say in the face of that, but something was nagging at him all the same, "You said it was all for nothing." At that she seemed to break down more, tears flowing more freely.

"Voight lied, my sister was safe...he....I... I’m sorry…. believed Voight’s pictures…they were fake..."

A rush of fury surged within him, he stood up sharply, causing Hallie to flinch at the sudden change in him.

"Do you know where he took him." She could see that while he wanted to have a go at her for being so stupid and believing Voight, he was controlling that for the sake of finding Matt and that made her feel worse.

Once she had found out that her sister had been safe she'd just wandered around in the dark trying to figure out what to do now, she hadn't even realised that she'd wandered to the firehouse until she'd seen Kelly.

He watched her at the question, hoping that she knew, at her solemn nod he indicated her to follow him to his car. He would call their chief and Gabby's brother on the way.

He was going to get Matt back.

Hallie's instructions were quiet, and he couldn't find it within him to offer her comfort, not after what she had done. If Matt wanted to talk to her after all this then he would think about it, but he'd wait to see what Matt did about it first.

When they arrived at the place, she said they'd been keeping him, his insides rolled at how close Matt had been to the firehouse, to his team, and they hadn't been able to find him. It physically hurt to know he'd been that close and helpless to the horrors he imagined Voight would put him through.

However, that didn't compare to how much it was hurting him to find the place quiet, corridors empty, walls damp and cold. His breath freezing in the air and wrapping around his voice, causing it to croak as he spoke.

"Are you sure this was the place?" He asked.

She nodded again, not able to find words at this new revelation, there had been a few people here.

Maybe, they’d just left him there to be found and this would all be over.

But any hope they had, was stripped away when they walked into the room, blood smeared walls staring right back at them, the temperature chilling them to the core.

Hallie sobbed quietly while Kelly tried to find something that could indicate where they'd gone. Find anything that meant he’s friend had a chance to be alive.

Matt was gone.

He’d left it too long and now it was too late.

TBC

Chapter Text

Chapter 6

The arrival to the scene for the chief was anti-climactic at best, dreadful at worst. After the hurried call from Severide, he’d hoped they actually had a lead on Casey and were going to get him back today.

But the looks on Kelly's and Hallie's faces smashed that newfound hope to pieces; they hadn't found him. What had worried him more, however, were Hallie's fears and what she had told them had happened to Matt while she had been there. What was happening now he couldn’t bare to think about, without anyone watching. She told them that Matt's resolve was still strong when she'd last seen him, but that was 48 hours ago now.

They all knew what could happen in a few minutes in their job, never mind 48 hours with a dirty cop.

"Kelly, let them do their jobs." Boden ordered while stepping up to Severide. Kelly had been hounding the cops; ever since Antonio had arrived on the scene.

"But..."

"Kelly." Boden's tone wasn't asking, he directed Severide outside away from anyone else. "They are capable of doing their jobs but not with you here, go home and rest." Severide's expression turned dark.

"I won't leave him out there alone. I can’t, Chief.” His voice was wrecked now, filled with all the regret he held for the way he’d been treating Casey.

"There is nothing more we can do right now."

And there was the rub.

In real terms, they had nothing, just blood smears that were currently being tested by the city's forensics lab.

Hoping they weren't all Casey's because there was so much of it, enough so that it was going to be hard to believe that he was okay, that he would survive this.

They couldn’t bare that, none of them.

But there was nothing; nothing that could lead them anywhere else, no paperwork about who held the lease for the building – the police had searched from top to bottom- nothing had been so much as moved apart from the room smeared with blood; there was even still dust on any remaining office furniture, as if to prove to them how little this area was used. How futile things were.

They were at a dead end.

However, that wasn't going to stop Kelly, not today.

Severide walked away from the cold, lonely room and out of the warehouse to head to his car. His gut telling him that Casey didn't have too much longer, that he needed to be found. At least that meant he was alive though right.

Right?

So, Kelly Severide, put his car into gear and drove off in search of his friend, not planning to go home until he'd found Matt.

X-Chicago Fire-X

Matt knew he was in serious trouble as he woke up this time, it was getting harder; for him to catch up, for his mind to function. Granted he was only tied up by rope now, his wrists and hands were numb with cold and pain. His brain, he was convinced was trying to leak out through his ears, the pressure from the dehydration and the blows to the head he'd received before they had moved him. The beatings he’d taken, the drugs coursing through his system, the infection that had started had all seen to it that he barely remembered why he was here, who had him, or why.

The memoires that he did have were fuzzy, vague and almost dream like. Like fragments of a broken mirror with pieces missing, that you couldn’t put back together. His skin burned like a furnace, but inside he was shivering, frozen and stuck within his walls. Part of him knew that this was dangerous, this was likely the end for him, no matter if he wanted to live, soon that choice would be taken from him, if it wasn’t already. Pain would rip through his chest on every cough, aching deeply on every exhale he could take. If he wanted to survive this something was going to have to be done and quick.

He'd tried before, when they moved him, but it had been futile.

The door smashed into the wall, making him jump, two men coming towards him. He eyes bleary with fever and drugs, they seemed to change the times, concentrations and types that they were using.

The latest burned like acid through his veins but seemed to give him a burst of adrenaline, this he could use.

He felt penned in, trapped, caged. He needed out. There were fire ants crawling under his skin.

So, when the manacles were off, he ran at the two men, curling his hands into fists, striking out to the guy closet to him. He landed a solid punch to man’s jaw, it felt good to finally be able to hurt them back. Twisting around-having heard the other man come up beside him- he aimed his elbow to the guy’s face and revelled in the crack he heard.  

“Son of a bitch!”

But Matt’s energy was flagging now, even the drugs couldn’t complete with the damage his body had taken.

No! Come on! Fight!

But it wasn’t enough.

He first man he’d hit grabbed him by the neck, pressing too hard, cutting his oxygen off. Vison darkening. As he faded out, he heard them laughing, felt more blows to his body and then everything just stopped.

Now he was here, he strength long since waned away, hazy memories of Hallie being here that he still couldn’t believe. Exhaustion set deep within his bones now. He was hard to believe that he was going to get out of here. He was the only one that would be able to do it, it was clear that no one was coming for him. He knew that all his guys on truck would try or at least hound the police so much that it would make them act. That he could believe still without a doubt.  

Taking a deep breath, psyching himself up, he had to get out, he couldn’t let any of him team down. Couldn’t let them get hurt, because who was to say Voight wouldn’t send anyone after his team just for knowing him-

He flinched at the door slammed again, it had to be now!

But it was Voigt this time, and something silver shone disturbingly even in the meek old lighting of the room he'd been trapped in.

X-Chicago Fire-X

The light from the chilly day had diminished two hours ago, the rush hour traffic had petered out. A light drizzle had settled on the city, grey dull clouds lingering, likely signalling a heavier shower to come. The wind blew plastic bags and leaves across the sidewalks and roads, scattering them across the city's landscape. People were returning home from work, their families happy for their return and the end of a dreary day. Unaware of the torment of the world.

The weather reflected the emotions of a lone man in his classic car, scouring the city for his lost friend, dread creeping higher than the hope within him. He'd been looking all day, barely stopping to take rest or refreshments. Yet it still hadn’t been enough, hadn’t found anything.

Severide sighed, even the light was against him now, as if the universe didn't want him to find Matt, or maybe it was telling him that it was too little too late and that he hadn't tried hard enough when it may have counted.

A frustrated growl worked its way out of his chest, and he pulled over the car in the next safest place. This was taking too long, there were just too many places in this damned city to search.  Matt had been in the hands of Voight over a week, tomorrow would mark out eight days. The CPD were giving up hope, sure they were still looking but they had nothing to go on and had told them to expect the worst.

But he just couldn’t, not yet. Not ever.

The shrill ring of his phone caused him to jump, a faint hope to trickle through his veins, maybe someone had news.

Come on, please have answers.

Briefly looking at the caller display he saw the Chief's name pop up and answered it immediately, questions running amuck in his tired mind.

"Chief?" The word was heavy with the questions he couldn't ask, lest he crumble under the guilt that had been eating away at him since this had all started.

He heard the Chief sigh heavily on the other side of the phone which prompted him to ask; "They haven't found anything we can use, have they?" though it was more statement than a question.

"No, nothing other than some of the blood matching Casey's." Damn, they'd been hoping that none of it was his, but given what they had been told from Hallie, at least some of it hand to be and that hurt.

Severide shut off the cell and chucked it in annoyance onto the passenger seat, wanting to both break it and make sure it wasn't damaged in case Matt could get to a phone.

He slumped over, his shoulders hunched, head leaning on the steering wheel of his car, a picture of dejected misery. He needed to find his friend alive, he couldn't lose another one, not when it was nearly a year since Andy.

Scrubbing his hand down his face, he blinked away his tiredness and refocused on the current area he was searching through the windscreen of his car. Leaving his car, he hoped the cold air would wake him up further, he didn't have time to sleep right now.

Before he knew it, he'd wandered away from his car, down a barely lit alleyway for no apparent reason...other than it felt like the right way to go.

The alleyway led to a disused industrial estate, tall looming warehouses stood abandoned, gales of wind whistling through the broken windows, plastic and cardboard flittered across the ground with no direction.

Kelly groaned, there was too much ground to cover on his own, and the scene before him reminded him of the dark alleyways on the crime dramas where nothing good would happen. Pulling out his cell phone, he needed help and if his current gut feeling was right, Matt would need everyone on hand.

After a quick call to Antonio and the Chief, he looked around, hoping to find a shred of evidence that led to Matt, he tried to think like Voight but shuddered at the thought of that man and what he was capable of.

Pacing around, waiting to hear sirens was putting him on edge, his brain was telling him that he didn’t have the time, that he couldn't wait for the help to come. The feeling in his gut led him forwards to the furthest abandoned looking warehouse and he didn't look, wouldn’t because he just knew that Matt was here.

I’m coming. Just hold on.

The looming warehouse filled him with a sense foreboding like none other he had felt before, not even on the calls they had been on in all the years as a fire fighter, and it honestly scared him. Sure, he was strong and didn't fear that much but this was his friend's no, more like his brother's life on the line here. No matter all the hate he’d spewed at him recently over heather, he still cared.

And he couldn't do this again, not after Andy.

The entrance was a large room, old yellowing paper scattered around the bare ground, looked like it hadn't been used or entered in a while, but his gut was still leading him forward towards a cold, dark corridor.

Just because the first entrance hadn't looked like it had been used, didn't mean that there hadn't been any other door to the place. The more chance as well that he could have been moved again.

Severide sighed roughly, the chances of finding Matt alive were plummeting as fast the temperature since the sun had set, they all knew it, but then he was still in denial.

The poor lighting in the corridor wasn't helping Kelly to see anything other than a few feet in front of him. However, it wasn't going to stop him because he just knew that Casey was here, and if Casey was here then he wasn't leaving until he found him, that was final.

That was when he heard the shuffling of feet.

Slightly panicked but resolve strong, Kelly dodged out of the meagre light into the shadows, making sure he wasn't found before he'd rescued Casey.

Listening closely, he couldn't hear the shuffling anymore and wondered if he'd been caught and if the other person were just waiting for him to reveal his position. With determination borne out of fear for Matt and how he would explain things were he to come out empty handed,  he stood forward into the dim light, standing his ground and unwilling to back down.

The shuffling continued up again a little faster this time but... moving away this time and Kelly was confused.  

“Casey!”

The figure jumped and darted away, as if terrified and skittish. Frowning he continued on, quickening his pace to catch up to the figure but if anything, it just moved away faster.

"Matt!" He shouted, remembering what Hallie had said about Matt's condition last, she had seen of him, he was probably running a fairly good fever by now and likely delirious.

But they were still moving away, frustrated Kelly breathed deeply.... maybe he'd been wrong...why would he run if it was...but...

The figure didn't get very far this time before crumpling to the ground, Kelly, heart racing with worry, caught up in about three or four long strides.

The figures face was turned away from him as Kelly knelt down, Matt. His concerned eyes roamed over his friend's form, trying to determine any injuries that would stop him from taking him out of this hellhole.  The light was useless, he could barely see anything under the black smudges of dirt on Casey’s skin and the shirt that covered his shivering frame.

Turning Matt over, Kelly winced at the swollen left eye, cuts and gashes, mingled with dark bruising which littered Matt's face, arms and chest that he could see through the open shirt.

Casey stirred as Kelly set about getting Matt warmed up by wrapping his own coat around his friend.

"K-Kelly? You…here?" Matt's voice was rough-likely from dehydration-and faint, Kelly cursed himself that he hadn't brought anything with him; but they was something else in the voice as well.

Wonder.

As if Matt hadn't expected Severide to come. That hurt but it was expected given what had happened between them.

Kelly could see sickness, pain and fever in Matt's glassy eyes. but the stuttered question made his own eyes well up with both guilt at not being there until now and relief at finding his friend alive.

Matt looked around and up at Kelly as if seeing for the first time, he was confused, and Kelly knew he had to get his friend seen to sooner than later.

"W-what?" But Matt's question was cut off when his body was wracked with a coughing fit that wrecked his body.  

Kelly automatically rose Matt up leaning Matt's back against his chest both to keep him upright and share what heat he had to spare as Casey was still shivering fiercely.

The coughing stopped as abruptly as it started and Severide felt Casey's smaller body lean back into him; exhausted, short wheezy breaths escaping his battered chest. A hand found its way into Kelly's grip, Casey was trying to ground himself to where he was and Kelly wasn't going to refuse him that, not now. He knew Casey wouldn't normally allow it but then he was a little confused right now so Kelly left it and smiled, happy that even though they had had their differences that somewhere Matt did trust him to keep this secret.

"S'rry."

Casey's voice was raw, exhausted and when he stayed silent after that, Severide worried and his pulse rose, his gut screaming that they needed to move.

"What are you sorry for..." There was no answer, "Matt?" He increased his volume even though it wasn't necessary, Matt was right next to him except...

Casey's head had fallen forward against his chest, his body still and the hand that had gripped Severide’s so tightly less than a minute ago had fallen limp against his leg.

Kelly moved quick as lightening, holding Casey by his shoulder, so that he was facing Casey and lightly shook him, trying to rouse him.

"Casey!"

Had he been too late?

Shaking his head, Severide gently moved Casey so his back was against the wall, so his hands were free to check Casey over.

Damn....he's too still...this isn't right...damn...damn...damn. Matt!!!

Severide placed his shaking hands on Casey's chest and throat simultaneously feeling for a pulse and waiting for his chest to rise.

There...wait....no......damn it Matt!....i can't...please, Matt!

It felt like forever before he felt the too slow beating of the pulse under his fingertips and the stuttered breathing movements he could feel under his palm. His brain was almost giddy with relief when he felt the beat, but they had no time left to waste.

Hauling himself up, he grasped Casey under his shoulders and then with his other arm he lifted Casey's legs and took his too light body into a protective hold, making sure his jacket was attempting to keep Casey warm.

He thought it odd that he hadn't seen anyone else here, but he wasn't going to complain about that right now, he just wanted to get the hell out of here.

So that's what he did, he carried Matt through the darkness and out towards what he hoped were police and his friends, who should have arrived by now.

He also hoped that they'd called for an ambulance as well because he knew that Casey was only just hanging on.

TBC

Chapter Text

Chapter 7

The earlier hope of a swift escape quickly got encompassed by the darkness.

A darkness that lingered longer than Kelly Severide remembered on the way in.

Anxiety and fear wrapping around him like fog encroaching on a lighthouse in the night, sneaking in when no one was looking, stealing away the light from the incoming ships.

While it wasn't warm by any means he had started sweating profusely, the moisture irritating the bottom hem of his shirt. Slowing for a moment he tried to calm his breaths, this was taking him too long, the limp form of his friend in held tight his arms kept him pushing forwards. But was also slowing him down and that hurt.

Casey was dying, he could feel it, and he couldn’t find the god damn way out.

They had no more time.

Casey wasn't even heavy, in fact, he was probably one of the lightest in both teams; but then Severide hadn't been resting well over the last week or so and his body was taxed with all the worry, hope and frustration that had been borne out of necessity. All for Matt, a friend who had never, would never abandon their friendship. A better man than he could claim to be himself.

His feet dragging tiredly, he almost tripped, only him twisting so that his back hit the wall saved them both from hitting the ground hard. Kelly shook his head at the bizarre situation, one which he never would have thought would happen as they were just fire fighters. These things like this didn't happen to the good guys, right? Right?

Marching onwards, placing one foot in front of the other to get them both out, he realised his mistake, one that could doom them both if someone was still out to get Matt. In his haste to find Matt he hadn't waited for help, and even worse, he'd been that relieved to find Matt alive, when Matt had tried to turn away, Kelly had lost the way that he'd come and had no idea where the exit was.

Sighing, he gently placed Casey on the ground and sat alongside him for a few moments trying to get his bearings. He cursed himself again for not even bringing any water with him, he could feel Casey burning up next to him, even through the jacket he had warped protectively around him, could feel the shivers that indicated the fever was high.  

Leaning against the grimy cold wall wasn’t going to be helping either, at least he’d bought his jacket so he could protect Matt from something, even if it was just against more infection from the cuts littering his body; the deep ones on his wrists especially raw and weeping.

Looking sideways at his friend he was amazed to find his eyes open. The joy was short lived though, Matt's eyes darted around, confused, as if trying to find something real to hold onto, his arms and legs shooting out in different directions, uncoordinated in his body’s fevered state.

"Matt."  Severide tried.

Casey's movements slowed a little, but Kelly thought it was more because Casey's body was exhausted than he'd actually comprehended what was happening right now. He tried again to ground his friend; as gently but as firmly as he dared grabbed Casey's clammy arms and held them gently to his sides.

What he could see of Matt’s skin in the dim lighting nowhere near healthy; the patches not covered in bruises, grime or cuts was grey and sunken. He had obviously been starved to some degree over the time he’d been missing, firefighters tended to have a high metabolism and would drop weight quickly.

The flinch he felt beneath his own hands and the raw fear he saw, tore at his adrenaline fuelled heart. Voight had done this, and for what, revenge, fun. What exactly did he gain here.

Matt, being the type of person his was, was just trying to do the right thing and had caught all amounts of hell for it. He didn’t deserve this.

Matt was looking at him warily, as if he would hurt him as well. He hadn’t spoken since he’d woken back up, caught between illness, beatings, starvation and the trauma of being held captive for as long as he had.

"Damn it!" Kelly banged his hands on either side of Matt, his anger at what had been done to his friend bursting from his chest.

Taking calming breaths, he looked up into his friends face and realised what he'd done because Matt was still, motionless and watching his every move like a scared child.

And it was ten times worse than the flinch from being touched unexpectedly; because Matt didn’t get driven to this very often, only when things became too much. He’d seen this only a few times since he’d known him.

Worse because the fear was of him now.

But the hope that that was the worst thing was dashed the second Matt spoke, his voice rough, stuttering, powerless and the way he looked away from Kelly as if Matt was the worst person in the world for making him angry.

"I'm sorry."

Severide was at a loss, he knew Casey was confused and feverish but this, it was something different, something he hadn't seen before, not from Casey anyway.

"Matt, you've got nothing to be sorry for, " Matt tensed as if he could sense that Severide was moving closer again, "Matt, look at me, please." The dirty blonde hair that had grown longer than normal didn't move a muscle.

The stillness was disturbing, as if Matt was frozen in place, trapped. Severide had no idea why and no idea if help was coming or if Voight would show up. He was apologetic but they didn't have time for this, he needed to get Casey moving, they had already spent too much time resting as it were.

Kelly placed his hands on either side of Casey's face and gently forced him to look up, he could feel Casey tense further than he thought possible. "Matt, I'm sorry, we have to go, I have to get you out of here." Casey was too pale, too injured and too sick to hang around this damp place any longer...

If only he could find the way out, distracted by trying to form a plan he almost missed what Casey said; if he hadn't felt his jaw move beneath his fingers he wouldn't have thought Casey had said it at all.  It didn't escape his notice either that the voice was more strained and the body right in front of him had given up its tense stance a moment ago against the wishes of its owner.

"You should go," It was Kelly's turn to be frozen now, the words like ice being driven into his very core. "I..." Casey started to say but a coughing fit erupted. A fit that sent blood dribbling down his chin and on to Kelly's shirt. Severide tried to help but Casey managed to push him away with whatever strength he had left, leaving him on his hands and knees coughing for all he had left with Severide attempting to sit him upright after the fit had passed.

"Go...please...all i do....is get...people killed." Casey was gasping now; if they had more light Severide would have seen the blue tinge to Casey's lips but Severide was having none of it.

"No!" Casey flinched again, confusion clear in his eyes. There was definitely something else going on here. "I won't leave you. I can’t lose you as well." Severide grabbed for Casey again, he moved away but it was at a cost, his strength was failing, and he was panting heavily at the exertion.

"It's my...fault..they’re dead."

"Who?" Severide's eyes were darting around but still watching Matt, trying to look for a way to go, where they hadn't been yet, who knew these buildings were like mazes.

"Killed my dad..." Casey was weakening fast and it was scaring Kelly, but he couldn't touch him- Matt wouldn’t let him- without causing more harm and it was killing him to have to watch this. He vowed to make sure they got all the people responsible for doing this to Casey.

Wait....does he really think..."You didn't kill him, your mom did."

"Said...did...for me." Casey's voice was quieter, distant, slipping away.

Rage welled up for his friend at the mother who would do this to the child that had given her her freedom. He crept closer, they were mere feet away when Casey next spoke and Severide wished he hadn't.

God, please don’t.

"Killed…your…friend."

And just like that Casey dismissed his own feelings about it, more focussed on getting everyone else through it. All he'd done was be a dick about it and because he knew as much as Hallie had; that Casey would forgo his own feelings and accept anything from them even if it wasn't the best for himself. As long as they felt better about it.

"Nobody blamed you, Casey."

"You...did..." Casey stopped, his eyes rolling back, his body falling but never to hit the ground because Kelly stopped his head from hitting the slick floor.

That was a crux of it, for all the firehouse could see, their fights, their arguments, their heated words and the tension that filled the house was because they blamed each other for something that they hadn't caused. At the end of it all, not once does he actually remember Casey directly blaming him yet he can remember distinct moments where he'd turned his back on Casey, blaming him when all Casey had been trying to do was be a friend.

I’m so sorry Matt.

That's when he picked Casey up, his breaths coming in short gasps, the shivering returning ten-fold and ran.

Ran for all he was worth, hoping the exit was near.

Please, please, please.

His gut would have to lead him out because his mind and body was focused on him running.

Ran because Casey's life, Casey's friendship was worth more than the burning lungs and the aching muscles. More than the tears blurring his vision that he didn’t know he was crying.  

More than he had professed it to be worth. Casey needed to know how much he was worth to them all. Casey couldn't die thinking that he was to blame because the people around him took advantage of his forgiving nature, took advantage of his good heart.

He was so focused on running, on saving Matt; he didn't realise he'd reached the outside until someone shouted his name.

"Severide!" He knew the voice of his chief anywhere and looked up.

Everyone was there, it looked like they'd just arrived. Shay and Dawson were moving towards him, shock clear on their faces, he was breathing heavily from the strain of running with his friend in his arms.

"Kelly, are you ok?" Shay tried to move closer only for Severide to step back. Guarded.

Everything was coming into focus slowly and they all looked like they needed him to do something, but he couldn't for the life of him think of what.

"Severide, you need to let him go so they can help him."

He frowned, they were talking to him as if he was scared or going to break if they told him the truth.

Re-arranging Casey in his arms he noticed what they had been trying to tell him, the ice that had gnawed at his soul earlier buckled his knees, ripping apart the hope he’d found. He lay Matt down gently despite his shaking and need to keep him safe in his grip. He didn’t want to let go.

Oh god, I waited too long.

Now it was his turn to shiver, the ice leeching any hope or warmth he had gained from his run.

Shay and Dawson worked with horror in their eyes, for Casey and for him.

"Kelly!" Shay's voice was dulled, the blood rushing through his head muffling the sound.

He looked at her through the haze his mind was creating, "Kelly, how long has he not been breathing for, Kelly, please we need to know."

"I'm not....I just ran...I don't." Voice broken.

His chest was constricting at the fact he hadn't noticed. Hadn’t noticed that Matt had stopped breathing.  In his hurry to save him, without help, he may have killed him. Trying to grab at his chest he noticed a sticky residue on his shirt and looked down.

He'd thought it was just sweat earlier...but this was....

"Kelly, are you hurt, where is all this blood from," He felt his shoulders being shaken, "Kelly?"

Shaking his head slowly he tried to remember if he’d seen an injury to cause this amount of blood, if he’d not been observant enough to have stopped this. That he’d not been enough to save his friend.

He looked to where Dawson was working on a very pale Casey, a white gauze pad having been strapped with tape to Casey's side. Gauze packets, empty fluid bags, blood covered gloves littered the ground around him.  

"Matt...." That was all Kelly could manage, Shay had to go, had help Dawson who was trying to hide a few tears as they worked on their friend.

Everyone was waiting in desperation.  

Through the haze of everything, Kelly didn't know what else to think other than...

He'd waited too long to get him out.

I’m so sorry.

 TBC

Chapter Text

Chapter 8

Severide was sat in the back of the ambulance, a blanket wrapped around his numb body as he watched Dawson attempting to resuscitate Casey, Shay was also in the back going between helping Dawson and trying to get something out of him, concern pouring off her in crashing waves.

The moment a beep was heard on the heart monitor things changed again, Kelly felt the Ambo roar into life and race to the hospital, but he was wholly focused on the blood that stained the inside of the mask they had placed on Casey's bruised face.

Then Casey was convulsing with the fever that coursed through his body, the monitor screaming a shrill monotone sound until the shaking stopped and he'd done nothing, he couldn't move a muscle.

Casey!

A harsh shout wrenched Kelly Severide out of a fitful sleep, throwing the sweat soaked covers off him he sat on the edge of the bed, head in his hands and gently shook his head, trying to clear the tormented images running through his mind.

Breathing deeply no longer helped when it got to this point, scrubbing calloused hands over his face, he only barely resisted the urge to gouge his eyes out, it wouldn't help anything. He stalked angrily to his bathroom, turning on the taps and hanging on to the edge of the basin like it was his only lifeline and stared at himself in his mirror.

The hairline fractures present, spiralling out; a reflection of his weary soul and made by the same hands that hadn't realised...

NO!

He'd promised not to let his mind wander to that, Shay had told him that he couldn’t have done anything more-but the guilt....it held on so strong, he wondered if this is what he'd done to Matt not so long ago; in the wake of Andy's death and now here he was...

Feeling so torn apart, eyes watching him as if he were going to break or rage a someone else now his favourite punching bag was no longer there. How could he have done this to Matt? All that guilt heaped upon already heavy shoulders.

Splashing water on his face in attempt to cool himself down he found himself looking out his small window at the endless darkness, ever present each time he would wake in this state. Nothing would calm the fury within him, bruised hands attested to many nights of late-night sparing with anyone dared approach him. And it only made him hate himself more, he’d had an outlet after Andy and all he had done was berate Casey, blame him, even when he could see everything was falling apart for him and ignored it.

Just like he hadn't....

"Kelly? This has to stop."

Shay's worry forced him to look at her, her own features speaking of the difficult time they had all been having. Tired, sad eyes bored into him imploring him to speak to her.  The lack of anger or blame in her eyes forced his to blur at the surrealism of it.

“Kelly, please.”

“I can’t, He should-”

He couldn’t breathe.

He turned away from her-like he always did- she hated everything about this, hearing words she’d heard a hundred times in the past few weeks. Like a broken record suck on the same song.

"How…. can you... stand to look at me… after..." He was gasping between the words, now she was angry but not at him, angry at the situation they'd been forced into again.

"Kelly Severide! None of this was your fault!" She tried to remain angry, but her voice cracked, silent tears tracking down her face at the pain her friend was in.

"But I should have...." His voice still raw from the nights he woke screaming his friend’s name.

"Should have what? Ran to get help?" she saw the imperceptible nod in his frame, but she continued, "Should have left him to find us, should have left him cold and alone, confused as all hell thinking there was no one coming to save him, thinking that his men, his friends had abandoned him." She had to stop to catch her breath.

"You wouldn't have done that to anyone, not even if you hated them and we both know it! You did the right thing Kelly!" The anger now was deep rooted, but not at him, at the world.

Kelly stood shocked but he recovered quickly, "But at least he might..."

"Nobody can know that." She reasoned sadly; she moved towards Kelly hoping to sooth him after the nightmare that had become his new routine.  She sorely hoped that he would be better by now but considering everything they didn't know yet, she didn't know how to help or what had happened between Kelly finding Casey and them arriving at the scene what seemed like a lifetime ago.

She could see the horror sometimes creep around him, like a disturbing storm wrapping around, stalking him and sucking his life away. He wouldn’t talk about it, not even with her.

When he always had before; the contract, the promises they made years before to always be there for each other, no matter what.

Always.

And he still couldn’t.

It had been a shock to them all, the events after blurring and twisting themselves in such a way that they all felt responsible, guilty and Kelly carrying the worst of it. The ones truly responsible had gotten their comeuppance from the one they had attempted to destroy. All of them apart from one.

Voight.

The name poisonous to the heart of fifty one.

"Kelly, " Shay tried to be gentle but she knew her next words would hurt him no matter what anyone did. "We have to get ready soon."

The words unwanted and all too much.

Kelly tensed at the words and looked again to his window; the sun barely peaking through the grey clouds predicted to last the whole day, a perfect imitation of that day weeks ago, as if nature knew the torment of the firehouse. A house that strived to protect and defend; crumbling under the times they hadn't been able to not even for one of their own.

But this was worse, because they’d hadn’t gone looking for this. It hadn’t been a call gone wrong, a mistake made to blame someone for, or even a freak accident that while shocking and traumatic they there was nothing they’d could have done better.

This had grown from anger, premeditation and hate from one man. A man that used power and coercion like weapons, twisting things around to make betrayal look like a choice that had to be made.

“Kelly, please,” Shay was begging now, asking him to be there with her and tell her how he’d failed, not that she thought he had, he knew he had. It was frighteningly close to the way doctors gave bad news, “I’m sorry.” He couldn’t hear the rest, only watched her expressions shift from pain to sorrow to agony and back.

Doctors had that tone, that indescribable one, the hushed words of ‘we’ve tried everything, but it wasn’t enough’. Spoken in the weary hours of the morning after the rescue, ones that no one wishes to hear, not after everything they had already been through. A soft quality to it that tells you must prepare yourself for the worst, rips your soul out through your stomach and that there was no hope left. Even with all the medical advances, all the lifesaving miracles, they’d pulled off in the past, it still hadn’t been enough.

Not this time.

‘I’m sorry’

Then he was back in the bathroom of their apartment, Shay looking as devastated as he felt, all sharp edges and bleeding wounds.

"I," He started hoarsely, "I can't be there."

"You can..." She couldn't continue her thought though, Severide had stilled, gaze distant and she wondered what he was remembering this time.

The darkness was back, so dark it was that he could barely see but he held Casey's hand to ground him through the fevered confusion. Then, as if a switch was flipped, he was outside, Matt's cold dead body in his grasp and everyone shouting his name. Shouting that it had all been his fault then, he was spinning, lost in the fear that he had killed his friend.

"Kelly, you promised..." Shay's voice was soft, gentle and non-intrusive, but it still made Kelly flinch.

"I promised I'd get him out of there as well," He could still feel Casey's hand searching for someone to ground him in the darkness. Feel the fever, the fear, the dagger in his heart.

"You did, Kelly!" Shay looked confused and concerned at the same time; she grabbed him by the face and forced his glazed eyes to look at her. This was worse that she thought, even so much time later he was still stuck there in a waking nightmare.

"But it didn't help!" Kelly was trying to pull away, but Shay wouldn't let go, her slim fingers digging into his rough skin hoping he could feel it.

"You. Got. Him. Out!" She tried to emphasise every word, this hadn't the first time this had happened, but it was the first that he couldn't be convinced.

"But he died right there in my arms, and I didn't do a thing, I didn't even notice!!" Kelly turned so fast his fist hit the mirror again and the fractures deepened. The blood and pain in his knuckles were ignored even as the drops splattered to the ground. Crimson staining crushed glass and the white tiles.

Shay sighed, they had been down this road before.

"Kelly, you got him out, you stayed with him, you made sure he wasn't alone when he needed you, you couldn't have done anymore than that."

"I could have found him earlier! I could have saved him!!"

"He's not dead!" Shay had gone from worried to angry so fast that Kelly didn't have time to dodge the slap to his face- the only thing left in her arsenal- when all else failed to ground him.

"But he's not here either!" Kelly voice was now small, childlike. “And the doctors are going to stop soon, and I can’t.” He was gasping again.

“I can’t lose him as well.”

And that's what all this was about, it had been three weeks since Kelly had come running out of a disused warehouse building with Casey in his arms not breathing. Sure, they’d gotten him breathing in the ambulance, the seizure caused by infection that had days to take root had all taken a huge toll on his body. Between surgery for the stab wound, more fevered nights and losing nearly one third of his total blood volume along with the head injury he had yet to wake up.

With the fever breaking last week, they’d had some hope that he was going to come round soon, but it never happened. They’d done another scan of his head to see if they could find anything, but it hadn't shown anything, no bleeding, no visible, physical damage. The bruising had faded over the last three weeks, and the stab wound that he'd originally known nothing about was even healing, albeit slowly.

The doctors were at a loss as to explain why Matthew Casey was in a coma when in every other respect, he was getting better. He was still on a ventilator because his lungs refused to breathe on their own, they’d stopped the sedation a week into the ICU stay in effort to help him wake up but nothing happened. Even painful stimulus failed the rouse him, sure his body had all of its reflexes, well, enough so they knew he wasn’t brain dead. His bloods more normal than they had been in days but still nothing. No twitching of eyelids or fingers or anything that signalled that someone was coming round.

Now the doctors were talking about the effects of trauma, the whole ordeal his body had gone through. Physically and mentally.

Like his body was still there but there was nobody home.

Each time he would be brave enough to visit, his friend lay there, not moving, everything the same as the last time.

And yet nothing was.

TBC

Chapter Text

Chapter 9

Walking into the firehouse felt like the worst kind of betrayal; that he could walk in here able to do the job that they all loved, that he could move, that he could even breathe on his own...

To look at the trucks on the floor, having been cleaned recently and people milling around the house going about their daily business as if nothing was wrong. From the outside it looked like there was absolutely nothing wrong, that it was just a normal day of fighting fires and saving lives.

The lack of banter out on calls- would look like professionalism- like they were a well-oiled team that didn't need to tell each other what to do because they were practiced over the years.

But, for those that did know.

Those that knew the men and women of firehouse 51, knew that all that sparkling of the trucks and professionalism was their way of coping with something that should never be. Outsiders didn't see the subtle signs of the tired, worn out, but now unified teams.

In the kitchen, the TV was on, but the mood was defeated and deflated, similar to the morning sun being smothered by the dull clouds.

Casey's team were lost without their leader.

It wasn't that they couldn't do their jobs without him, I mean sure they could and very well, but given the choice they just didn't want to, shouldn’t have too. Severide had tried to be there for them out of a respect that they were all still suspicious of and they were trying; they all were but sometimes it all boiled over for them all.

It had been a relatively quiet shift so far; everyone attempting to relax in the wake of knowing that it was going into the fourth week of Casey being in a coma. Over a month since some of them had spoken to him, well at least in a state that he could respond to them anyway.  

Nobody afterwards would even remember how it started, not that it really mattered, but start it did.

The chief heard a commotion, chairs scraps against the vinyl floor of the kitchen, pans clattering against the work tops. Growling, the chief left his office to see what it about this time, he would have thought given the situation, the guys would have reconciled some difference for the sake of keeping the peace, especially while one of their own was recovering. Being the chief, he couldn't believe that anything else would happen.

The peacemaker in Casey had been sorely missed over the weeks, everyone liked Casey, and even though on the face of it, it looked like Kelly hated him, the chief knew the truth.  They’d bonded at the academy, had worked together for years and only in the last year had things gotten so rocky after Andy died because neither knew how to deal with it. Shaking his head he caught the end of a taunt that he knew his other lieutenant would take to heart.  

"You walk around here, as if he was your best friend when you couldn't stand to be in the same room as him not a day before all this happened.” The voice held all the built-up anger and hurt the whole house carried. “Now, you can't even stand to go and visit him for longer than a brief look through the window!"

All was silent, the sun that had attempted to peak through the clouds to the windows was overshadowed by the gloom of the day. It was as if the whole house had heard, not even the people in the offices sounded like they were typing.

Just silence.  

Severide was standing in the doorway from the apparatus floor as if he'd just come into the room, Casey's team were glaring at him from their recently seated positions but were now standing to defend the accuser. Kelly's team had been following him in but seemed unsure whether or not there was truth in the statement.

Shay and Dawson had been deep in conversation, but Shay looked like she wanted to deck the person attacking her friend.

"Herrmann, that's not fair and you know it!" Her eyes were dangerous, but she knew that on the face of it they would all in some part believe what had been said.

The chief, for his part, was shocked that the normally mild-mannered older firefighter would say something so harsh. He was Casey’s second in command, but he had always been fiercely protective of Casey, knowing the situation with Casey's own parents, he always had been there for advice to all the younger firefighters but not so completely as it had been with Casey.

"Shay, it's okay, they're right." Severide just sighed, defeated.

"How dare.." Christopher started until he registered what Kelly had said, not expecting the response considering his responses to his lieutenant in the past. He took in the appearance of the other man as well; he looked like crap. Well, they all felt like crap sure, but Severide looked exhausted, and he tried not to feel for the guy as he'd done the same to Casey. Never relenting on the same point. Even though Casey had been witnessed to Andy's death, had nightmares over it for weeks, Severide hadn’t seemed to care then. Now, though, Chris couldn’t be the same, it wasn’t who he was. He sighed harshly and walked away; they shouldn’t be fighting.

Not like this.

It’s not something Matt would want for them.

The tension in the room left as quick as it had bubbled up, the men weary and wanting to get the person responsible for hurting Casey. The chief cleared his throat as if to speak but was interrupted by the ringing of his cell, frowning at the intrusion, he answered when he recognised it was a call from the hospital.

All heads were turned towards the Chief and holding their breaths, they'd been waiting for news for what felt like forever. They didn’t even need to ask who was calling, the chief got this look on his face when it was the hospital, all torment and pain.

The way the chief seemed to deflate at the end of the phone call put everyone on edge. An edge, so sharp it would slice through you before you knew you were bleeding out. One they knew was coming but refused to believe, it wasn’t time yet.  

You'd be able to hear a pin drop once the call was over, they needed some sign, some hope that things could get back to normal now.

"They have to make a decision soon."

The Chief could picture the tiny speck of hope that had been holding everything, everyone, together so far had just been thrown to the ground and shattered into a million pieces.

Severide paled, well more so than the rest, turned and left the firehouse.

This can’t be it.

The shouts of both teams and the Chief not stopping him.

There was something he needed to do, and he needed to do this alone.

Back inside the house Shay moved to follow Kelly, but the Chief lightly grabbed her arm, she turned to face him, hating the look of sadness crinkling his face.

"He needs to do this on his own, of his own free will."

"But, he..." She stumbled unusually over her words, he was her best friend, and he was hurting, but at the same time she knew that the Chief was right. Kelly might have run if anyone was there to watch.

They all knew in an instant where he was going and hoped that this was a turning point for everything.

X-Chicago Fire-X

Kelly Severide paced outside the hospital a few moments trying to decide what he should do. What he could say to his comatose brother that he hadn't even been much of a friend to recently. Shaking himself he decided to go in, he needed to do this sooner or later and before the doctors took the decision out of their hands completely. At least now there was still some hope; as long as nothing else happened.

Stepping up to the room; there was chaos and destruction. All the hopes he'd had before entering were thrown like glass against concrete and shattered. Icy tendrils of fear leeching into his blood, ripping at his veins.

The once rhythmic cadence of the monitors surrounding his friend had been drowned out. All replaced by one mono-toned note that every friend, relative and medical professional hated.

Hated it because it meant that the fight may have been lost, that there was nothing more that could be done but attempt to force the failed heart to beat again. Worse to those who had to watch every time when the attempt hadn't even been started, and all that could be done was watch and wait to comfort the distraught relatives because at the end of it all; death had been the only relief to the suffering the person had lived before.

Kelly Severide had been here before, many times even. As fire fighters they had all seen this happen with victims they had saved from the fires they fought; the injuries too severe, too overwhelming for the body to survive. And at the end of it all, while the relatives had been distraught, they were still grateful to everyone for trying.

Distracted wholly by the sound the one and only time he'd thought to venture into the room, not merely hang around the window, he almost failed to see what was actually happening and almost got the resuscitation team killed in the process.

"Stop!" Severide blocked the door with his body, back to the hallway, but facing the room. Heart racing, mind in chaos. He really hoped that someone had some sense to call the police department because this could go wrong and fast.

"Sir, you need to let us past!" The lead doctor shouted at the firemen and tried to barge past him to reach their patient.   

The ominous click of a gun stopped everyone in their tracks.

"I'd stop right there." The voice was smug and leering at them all, he knew he was in control and Severide hate it, the anger at the situation boiled within his veins and he couldn't help himself. This was meant to be safe, Matt was meant to be safe now.

"Voight! Don’t" Kelly was beyond angry.

Voight had his arm tightly wrapped around Casey's chest, his pale body limp, rivulets of blood trailing from places that once had drugs and fluids attached to him keeping him alive. The ventilator tubing-that had kept him breathing-having seemingly been ripped out, leaving bloody salvia leaking from the side of Casey's mouth. Kelly worried if his friend was even breathing but Voight shouted again before he could count the breaths, before he could tell if Matt was even alive

"He needs to pay!"

"For what? For doing the right thing?!" Kelly shouted back and dared to look briefly at the team of medical professionals, shaking his head, telling them to wait, even though he knew it would cause Casey more damage the longer they had to wait. The resus team looked concerned for their patient but afraid of the madman who had been a police officer at one point.

Looking back at the scene had Kelly's fear ramping up to new heights, Voight now had his left arm around Casey's neck, the strain on Matt's body was obvious to anyone looking and his right hand held the gun which was alternately swapping from Casey's newly bruised cheek and Kelly to stop him from trying to rescue his friend.

Voight sneered in such a way that Kelly knew that what he was about to hear wasn't going to be good.

"What will the city think though, a fire fighter protecting a murder in his own firehouse. Tut tut, what will they think…" Kelly saw red and moved forward but stopped immediately when Voight dug the gun harder into Matt's cheek, enough so that it drew blood.

"How dare.....it was self defence and you know it!" Not everything had been made public, and Kelly knew that if the wrong people heard there would be hell to pay with the media.

Once they had gotten Matt away from the warehouse and on his way to the hospital, the police had searched it and had found the body of one of Voight's men; not far away from where Kelly had found his friend. They had each other's blood clinging to their clothes, creating pictures of the desperation Matt had faced. The forensic techs had ruled that Casey, in a surge of panic, fighting for his life had killed the other man with a blow to the back of the head from a two-by-four. Kelly knew that if Casey remembered it, he would feel guilty, but he hadn't had a choice if he'd wanted to live and it had been ruled self-defence, case closed. 

That was when Antonio turned up and tried to diffuse the situation.

"Voight! You have nowhere to go, put the gun down." His own raising to aim at Voight, the team behind him trying to see if there was any other way into the room and getting the medical team out of the way just in case anything happened.

One of them that Kelly didn't know tried to move him, but he stood firm at the entrance to the room, unwilling to move this time, out of the corner of his eye he saw that the Chief had also showed up, probably having heard the call over the radio for the police to the hospital, shock marring his tired features.

Seeing this, Voight's smile, if anything widened, his eyes gleaning with malice.

"Well, " he drawled evilly, looking at all the players, "now that we are all here." 

For a split second, everything was almost locked in time, no one wanting to breathe or move for it would change things for the worse.

The only sound piercing the blanket of silence was the monotone that Kelly walked into earlier, a sound that he’d remember for a long time to come.

Then, like a flash of thunder, everything descended into to disorder and confusion.

Shots were fired.

Fire burned within.

Blood was spilled on the pure white floor.

People were shouting.

Bodies fell to the ground.

Shocked gasps of breath were taken.

Holes were scored into the walls.

Glass fractured and fell to the ground haphazardly, cutting hands that scrabbled desperately in a rush to save lives.

Adrenalin coursed through weary, tired bodies hoping that it would be over soon.

There was one final deafening shot, and everything fell silent once again.

Even the machines were silenced, the monitor destroyed by a stray shot.

Eyes opened tiredly for a second before pain closed them tightly.

He’d failed; there was nothing else left now.

No hope. No Bartering. Nothing.

All Kelly could see was death and annihilation.

The people who would come to repair the room would ask what had happened in days to come, the hospital staff would look solemnly at them and not speak of it again.

The fact that a former officer of the law would come into a place that was supposed to be safe and do what he'd done; would tarnish the history of the hospital and the souls involved.

What had happened here was unforgiveable.

TBC

Chapter Text

Chapter 10

Finding his way back to consciousness was more difficult than it should have been.

The fact that he had to do it at all was surprising in the first place, since when had he lost it?

The last thing he remembered was...

Oh god

Get up, now! Casey! His brain was screaming at him.

His attempt to move was thwarted by large hands and a booming voice.

"Kelly, calm down." He heard the Chief order but everything was muffled.

"I have to..." Kelly pushed himself up to a sitting position.

Stinging in his hands made him look down briefly. That was when he saw it...

Blood.

Was that? Oh god no…

It smeared around him in a disturbing pattern as he twisted around, looking for his friend.

"Casey!"

His own shout reverberated around his head, causing him to wince.

Then the Chief was talking to him again, but he couldn't hear, the sound was drowned by the dizziness for a few moments.  

Once the spinning had settled, he tried to move again, awakening all the pains that hitting the ground would cause but he pushed past it because he needed to...

"Kelly, stop."

And the Chief's voice was all wrong, it was too low and too calm. Almost as if it was lost in what had happened in here.  

Severide balled up his hands into fists, the nails digging hard and blew out deep painful breaths. He needed to be able to move, he needed to see, needed to know what happened. The only reason the Chief would be stopping him was because...

No! Please, Matt!

But it had happened before, he'd wanted to go to Andy, but he'd been stopped.

And he needed to see then too, to believe it, but at the end of it all.

He'd wished he hadn't.

Damn it Matt!

This wasn't happening again, it just wasn't.

It couldn't, not when he’d almost fixed the damage he'd done to their friendship.

His vision blurred but couldn’t figure our why, didn’t realise that tears were trickling down his face either.

 Taking one final, calming breath, he looked around the room again, slower this time, taking in the devastation.

Wires were pulled out of the machines that had been keeping Matt alive, white sheets stained with blood, shards of glass and bullet casings were strewn across the floor. Bullet holes denting the image of safety that intensive care room had once been.  There was a pool of blood where Casey had been, and he couldn't look away from it.

Solely focused on the small puddle and Casey not being there anymore, he missed the medical professionals and police officers in the room.

Almost missed Voight's body lying there, eyes unseeing and lifeless. He had to look more than once to confirm it, to really see it.

Voight was dead, they'd done it, they'd won.

But, then, where was Matt?

They say revenge was best served cold but...

...that didn't mean a god damn thing if Voight's actions had killed Matt in the end.

Please.

"Chief." Kelly knew that his voice was rough under the strain of trying to piece together the parts that he remembered, but he needed to know now.

So, with all the strength he had, ignoring the dizziness, he launched himself up off the ground and out of the room before anyone could really do anything.

He thought he heard the Chief calling him back but he couldn't stop, he needed to find Matt and he needed to do it now.

"Casey!" he started calling out his name, hoping someone knew something, hoping someone could hear him, not caring if he sounded desperate or if he shocked everyone who was watching him like a madman.

And that was how Shay found him as she entered the floor of the hospital which held one of their own.  She’d heard about what had happened and like the others, needed to be here.  She rushed over to Kelly and stopped his frantic calls; the chief was looking sadly towards them. Frowning she took in Kelly's appearance; he was haggard and exhausted, a dark bruise forming on the left side of his face, his eyes slightly lost, slightly confused. It pained her to see her best friend like this, tear tracks clear on his face, running unchecked like he didn’t know they were there. Maybe he didn’t.

But it was his voice that made her place her hands gently on either side of his face. He stopped, stock still, eyes looking around in distress before settling on her.

"I can't find him. He’s…I can’t."

It broke her heart, he sounded so lost, so hurt and she wished that she could protect him of all of this.

Between Kelly's demeanour and the Chief's forlorn expression she found her blood running cold, the fear that they'd lost another one sending ice through her veins.

None of them would survive if they lost Matt as well.

"Well then, let's ask someone. "

It came out a lot stronger than she felt and for that, she was immensely happy about because Kelly Severide seemed to have placed all his hope in her, and she'd be damned if she was going to ruin that. She took a step towards the nurse's desk and hoped.

"Matt..."  She stopped and practically felt Kelly tense up beside her, she had to do this but, couldn't if it meant...

"Matthew Casey, where..." And the question died on her lips as the young nurse in front of her had that look.

The one of unspeakable sadness.

And Shay hated it because they were all professionals, and she knew what it meant.

She grabbed hold of Kelly, turning them away from the desk, and almost ran, to take him away from having to hear it.

"Wait, he's in room four."

Her heart skipped a beat, and she knew Kelly's had too, but the ice in her veins wasn't thawing because of 'that' look. But she remembered that sometimes to live was worse and once people found out a situation someone had been put through. What had happened, especially in this place could force that look as well. Because it meant recovery was going to take a long time and cause no end of suffering to the person it happened to.

Even with the hope seeping in through the ice, like light through the clouds, Kelly refused to believe in the hope. It wasn't that he didn't want to, by God he did, he couldn't. He couldn't because he had left Matt open and unprotected, practically allowing all this to happen because he couldn't face his friend in a coma. So no, it wasn't that he didn't want to believe in the hope, it was because he didn't deserve to.

"Come on, Kelly," She pushed him along and saw the thoughts running through his mind and sighed, "Don't do this to yourself, let's go and see what we can find out." 

Arriving at Casey's room seemed to take longer, minds lost in regrets and worries of Casey hnot making it through this latest ordeal. The Chief was waiting just outside the closed door, almost as if guarding it. People were milling around, going about the business of a hospital, the chaos from earlier now seemed like nothing more than a room covered in blood and blocked by crime scene tape.

It was wrong on many levels, that nothing stopped, despite the horror, the trauma that had just happened. But life had to continue, even in the face of such actions.

He looked towards the Chief and more than anything wanted some news.

"The doctors are with him." Voice calm, strong, unwavering.

As if that was an answer, but that’s all they had. They had to wait, but the not knowing was far worse than anything Kelly had been through now, at least with Andy they had known straight away as awful as it was. His memory was treacherous, and he knew that even if he had seen Matt Casey healthy in it that it would be a lie, a lie created to keep him going and safely in the land of denial.

Lies were sometimes safer though, kept them safe from pain and loss.

But damn it...

His thoughts were interrupted by a figure hanging around at the end of the corridor-coming this way-one he wondered how they had the nerve to come here at all.

"Why are you hear."

Shay snapped her head around, Kelly's voice was glacial, she had never heard that sort of hate burn through so little words and especially not from Kelly Severide.

When she saw who it was though, she wanted to say something much worse, but then it wasn't her fight.

Hallie.

They had all been shocked them weeks ago when she'd admitted to what she'd done; it had felt like a betrayal to them all. They'd all been invested in her relationship with Casey, they all cared. She made Casey happy, everything he deserved to be.  They knew how hard it was for him to trust and if you asked him in the best part of their relationship; he would have said she was the best part of him.

She had been everything to him. Always.

Even when they'd separated earlier in the year, she had still been everything.

It broke everyone's heart that eventually he would know what she had done and they didn't know how he would react. They wanted to keep him from the devastation that it would create.

It was too much, too hard, too sad...

"I needed to..." But the stumbling words stalled in her throat, and it seemed that Kelly wanted to finish for her.

"Needed to what, betray him some more, use him for your own good knowing that he would do anything for you, especially you."

Especially you.

That hurt.

She knew he was right, of course she did, but he wasn't completely blameless in all this.

"And you weren't just as bad when Andy died."

That hurt because she was right too.

And they were both staring guiltily towards the room now not wanting to say another thing, none of this was fair.

Hallie shouldn't have gotten away with anything she'd done; she knew it, they all did. It had been classified as she had done it under duress and ultimately it was up to Casey if he wanted to press charges.

Kelly knew that he would never do that to Hallie because he would still care what happened to her, even if she didn't deserve it just like he hadn't deserved Casey's attempts to fix what HE shouldn't have broken.

That was when the Doctor opened the door looking exhausted, he looked up into the faces standing by the door and sighed deeply, this had been a dark day for the hospital. His patient though, he shook his head softly, his patient was a protector of the people of the city, and they couldn't even manage to protect him within these walls.

He knew he was worrying his audience, but he didn't know how to start the conversation with them, it was a testament to the day they'd had that he didn't know anything to say that could make any of it better.

"Is he alive?" It was more a demand from the person who was his patient's boss.

The chief had asked, knowing that being the leader he had to be strong for his house but also needing to know. There was only so much hope without knowing the answer a person could deal with, and they would only be able to get past it or start to deal with it if they knew what had happened.

"He's alive," But there was that sigh again and they were all growing to hate it.

Severide thought that he'd feel relieved when he heard that Matt was alive, but this didn’t feel like relief, didn't know what it was.

"He's breathing on his own and he’s conscious."

Everyone could hear the unspoken 'but'.

But Kelly didn't care, there was the blessed relief he'd been waiting for, Matthew Casey, his brother, his best friend was breathing on his own and not in a coma and he needed to see him now.

A few moments after stepping into the room he understood all the doctors’ sighs and the lingering doubt of the unspoken 'but'.

Because while it was Matt Casey's now freshly bruised face he was staring at, and while Casey was awake and breathing on his own. Hair longer than he usually worn still holding specs of blood. While the name and the fact that the man in front of him looked completely like his friend it also didn't.

There was something missing.

In was in the eyes, normally calm and caring, always strong for everyone else. Even when he had a particularly bad day he would still be there for his men. When it came to something personal though he could shut down and not wanting to share any emotion with anyone because he never wanted to burden anyone.

And while he could see his friend behind the fresh terror in the normally clear and strong blue eyes, he could also see the lost little boy who missed the life his mother destroyed, the betrayal and he knew.

Matthew Casey remembered every single second of what had happened. Couldn’t protect him from any of it.

It was cruel, wrong, and he couldn't save him from it.

And the look was too far away and lost to continue to look.

This was horrible and tragic and wrong,

So wrong.

He knew, knew that he sounded like a child in his mind; in denial because this wasn't really his friend sitting there and he wanted, needed his friend.

But he was lost, lost to the torment, lost to the betrayal and he hoped that the faraway look would disappear the longer he was here stood right in front of him.

But the eyes.

They stared right on through him, just lost, floating in a sea of pain and death and betrayal.

For one unforgiveable minute he wished that Matt Casey, his best friend, his brother hadn't lived because sometimes to live with what had happened was worse and at least he wouldn't have to suffer.

But he disregarded that thought because he was here now and he would stay here until Matt could find his way through and not stare through him unseeing.

He knew that Shay and the Chief were on the other side of the door, but he didn’t care, didn’t care that he probably had most of his shift left.

This was where he needed to be. Nowhere else was more important now. Chief Boden would understand that and he didn’t care what Hallie did.

So, he settled down in the plastic hospital chair next to Matt’s bed and held on to him, gripping his hand firmly, hoping in some way that it would ground him enough to bring him back from the edge.

TBC

Chapter Text

Matt’s body felt weighted, bogged down and immobile. Normally, that would worry him but there was no panic, no fear, no need to get back.

Just nothing.

Voices came from different people, he could tell by the tones and words but… Sounds were muffled like they were under water, words garbled, coalescing until they made no sense.

He knew things were happening around him, shadows moved across his eyes, but everything was blurred at the edges, like he was in a dream.

 Just existing.

Sometimes his hands felt different, not quite warm but encompassed by heat, like it was someone else’s hand around his. He knew this, knew how it felt from his past, but he couldn’t feel it. Not right now.

Sometimes, images, feelings and words, fleeting as they were, spun through his head. All sharp bloody edges, agony and harsh words. It usually didn’t last though, he couldn’t grab hold of anything solid, not without feeling something.

Echoes of pain, betrayal, fear and being ripped apart.

That should definitely worry him, he’d rather stay within the walls of this emptiness, where he couldn’t feel anything and nothing could hurt him.

Where he was safe.

Xx-Chicago Fire-xX

Severide exhaled heavily.

His friend, his brother was right there in front of him, living, breathing on his own and alive. He still had the NG tube and catheter, but the rest of the machines had reduced. They hadn’t seen much point in placing the others back on. Initially he’d been ecstatic and hopeful that everything could finally get back to normal.

However, there was just one thing missing.

Matt Casey.

And it was confusing as all hell; the doctors had run a battery of further tests in the last couple of days. Now, there were no more tests to possibly run. Sometimes his eyes would be open but there was no spark of life there. Just blue eyes staring at nothing, body still, non-responsive.

The previous pain and betrayal he’d seen just gone, stripped away and it made no sense.

Not to Kelly, and not to the medical professionals.

There were no substances left in his body from the drugs they’d forced upon him while he’d been kidnapped. No excessive bleeding or re-opening of wounds from the rough handling as the wounds had healed over the time he’d already been here. No brain damage from the questionable amount of time Casey hadn't been breathing for when they'd escaped nor, when Voight had ripped the ventilator out of him.

Nothing physically that would explain how unresponsive Matt was.

Some doctors had been saying it was psychological, that he didn't want to return

But hell, he didn't even seem to sleep not really, as if his brain was permanently stuck on. Eye’s open at times but no one truly there. 

At this point, if he was honest with himself, he’d prefer them to be closed, in some semblance of sleep. Also, so that it didn’t break his heart any more than it already had. He knew it was selfish really, but he didn’t know what else to do.

There was nothing they could do, not at the moment; the doctors seemed to think that it was his body reacting to the trauma it had been through and all they could do was hope that it would lessen in time. They’d thrown words around like catatonia, dissociation, seizures and other medical words that Kelly didn’t really understand.

They'd tried talking to him, all of them from the fire house. His sister had been by, held his hand like she had when he’d been sick as a child. They had tried to call his mother but got no answer- unreachable and had been since her release from prison. They had even begrudgingly let Hallie in to try and get through to him, the doctors had even tried painful stimuli.

But nothing.

Body still working but nobody home.  

Knowing the doctors were out of options made it harder to sit in the room with Matt but he wouldn't, couldn't leave, no one could make him. Boden had granted him leave; not that he could work with the state he was in. At war with himself constantly, if he would have been quicker to get Matt out, if he’d stopped Voight sooner, guilt eating him up and spitting him out.

Holding his head in his hands, running his hands through his dishevelled hair, he sighed again; everyone had spent time in here when Matt hadn't been having test after test but there was no reaction at all.

No inkling or recognition, just nothing but torment for everyone, at least when he'd been in a coma then there'd been hope that everything could be normal when he woke up.

But this...

Damn it!

Before he knew what he was doing, he'd grabbed Matt's arms, shaking him a little and turned him towards him, trying to find something of his friend there.

"Please Matt!"

Kelly felt and saw something change.

The expression on Matt's face changed; the empty expression morphed to pain, fear and loss. Matt's body tensed beneath his hands, trying to move away from him, trying to escape his friend.

Oh god, what have I done!

He immediately let go and turned to leave, pushing his chair away, unable to reconcile what he had done in his mind.

He could have just ruined everything.

He'd reached the door when...

"Kel..." Matt started but launched into a coughing fit at the dryness of his throat.

"Casey!"

Severide rushed to his friend to help support him. The coughing rocked his leaner frame; over a month in the hospital had robbed him of muscle mass and energy. Sure, they’d fed him via an NG tube; but that only gave calories so he could heal rather than enough to keep a firefighter’s body in top shape never mind the inaction he’d been forced into. The hospital physiotherapy team only having so much time with each patient.

"Here, try this." Kelly said while supporting him, held out a spoon full of ice chips to sooth his throat, once the coughing had died down enough.

Severide just about jumped for joy when Casey, having calmed down from the coughing fit, looked at him.

Actually, looked at him.

Casey was looking directly at him, at him, not through him and the joy on Kelly's face was immense.

But Casey frowned at it a little, not quiet understanding such elation. He hadn't been out too long surely?

Kelly didn't know what to say or do at first. The longer the silence went on, the more awkward it was getting to sit here when Casey's team deserved it more.

"I'll just..." Severide got up and got as far as the door.

"Wait." Matt’s voice was rough, like it had been scraped over glass, and weak with disuse. Matt managed to clear his throat before he spoke again.

"Stay?" He voiced then looked away embarrassed.

And that was all Casey, the way when he needed something and posed it as a question; giving anyone to option to refuse the request without them feeling guilty about it.

Damn it! Matt it's okay to ask!

"But, I.." This wasn’t his place, Matt’s team should be here. He was being selfish, taking up all the time.

"Not… your… fault." Casey stopped him before he even started, as if it were that simple.

"But I should have..."

"It's okay, I..."

"Damn it! Matt! It's not okay! I should have been there, shouldn't have blamed you or pushed you away." Kelly was angry on his friend’s behalf, that he was so forgiving even when people hurt him.

Matt flinched slightly and fear returned to his eyes. Kelly immediately capped his anger, not wanting to make things more difficult. Matt didn’t need his emotions as well as his own. Kelly hadn’t been the one tortured and betrayed by someone his loved.

The tense silence was interrupted by the arrival of Matt's Doctor.

He looked towards Severide when he asked his question.

"Any changes?"

He smiled when he responded.

"Ask him yourself."  The smile was still planted on his face until he saw the doctor’s expression then looked back at Matt.

Frozen expression, eyes lost, body tense again, not moving.

That felt like a punch in the gut, it was almost as if the last few minutes had never happened and it was only his mind that had made it up because of the guilt. His heart rate increased, had it been his fault? Had the shouting ruined the progress of the last few minutes, what did this mean now?

Matt seemed as still as he was before...

Come on Matt, please!

Then Casey blinked, shook his head a little as if shaking away what a trapped him for a short while.

"Sorry..."

He realised that the doctor was now in the room, when had that happened? He didn't know but it had, and he frowned, he couldn't work if he missed whole sections of time.

The doctor was as surprised as Kelly at the sudden change in response.

"What…happened?"  He aimed the question at them both, voice exhausted now, the small conversation draining him of any energy he may have woken with.

"What's the last thing you remember?" The doctor asked, they needed to assess what Casey knew, so they knew where to start from.

"Kelly, getting me out."

Severide, sighed in relief. Casey didn't need to know about the episode with Voight just yet. He didn’t want Matt to know that even in the safety of the hospital he’d been hurt.

"After you arrived you were in a coma, likely due to the ordeal your body had been through." Casey was about to ask but the doctor cut him off, "Around four weeks, so most of the injuries you received have healed now, but your body is going to be weak for a while, so you'll need some rehab time before you return to work. In the last few days, you've not been in a coma as such but were unresponsive in some form, we were thinking it was probably physiological rather than physical, which now we can confirm from what I’ve just seen. Like a catatonic state, I would strongly suggest that you speak to someone about what you went through before you leave the hospital. It would also be a good idea once you’re cleared to go that you stay with someone so they can watch out for you."

Casey looked shocked at everything he'd been told; Kelly wasn't that surprised when Casey didn't notice that the doctor had gone after a few minutes of looking at the door.

"Hey?" Kelly nudged Matt a little. He knew that Matt was clearly exhausted but there seemed to be little blips of him not responding but, he wasn’t going to ask, not yet at least.

"Yeah." Casey's voice was a little distant and held questions that he didn't know how to voice at the moment.

"Get some rest Matt, we can talk later." Severide encouraged.

Casey nodded tiredly and tried to settle.

Severide had been thinking about letting the team know the news; but he didn't want leave the room yet, through fear of the progress not being real. He was scared that if he left, this would have just been made up by his desperate imagination.

The comfortable silence was disturbed when the door opened again.

Both men looked up at the intruder. One groggy and needing rest, the other angry at them being disturbed.

Severide stood protectively over Matt.

But it was Matt who finally spoke.

"Why are you here?" Tone curt even under the fatigue.

And his voice spoke volumes of emotions all at once and too many to be listed.

TBC

Chapter Text

"Why are you here?" Tone curt, even under the fatigue.

Everyone was silent for a time, it stretched around them, awkward and unsure.

The only sounds were the ticking of the clock, the whir of the NG pump giving Matt the calories he surely needed, and the bustling sounds outside the door to Matt’s room. He was thinner than she remembered, muscle mass reduced significantly.

Guilt attached itself to her chest, spreading through her veins, carving out its name in her bones.

What have I done?

Hallie wasn’t all that sure if she should have come here, the last time she had really seen him conscious was over a month ago where there was a glimmer of hope, tiny as it was, that they would make it. Where if she tried hard enough Matt would forgive her, like he always had before.

Now though, looking at him, she knew she didn’t deserve him.

Never had.

She knew she couldn’t undo the damage she saw now he was awake. That hollowed out look some of her patient’s had when they’d been through too much trauma, like it was stained onto their souls. She couldn’t believe that she’d done it to the person she loved. Taking a deep breath, she tried to find the easiest way to say what she needed.

She looked over to Kelly, as if signalling him to leave them alone. He was stood, guarding the other man but not too close to crowd him, or make him feel penned in. He’d had enough of that to last him a lifetime, more than.

As she moved a little closer Matt’s eyes darted around the room, fear peeking through the hazy, distant blue. As if making sure that there was no one else here, as if he could see more than they could. More lost that she’d ever seen him.

He blinked once, twice and the confusion was gone, like it had never existed at all.

“Kelly, stays.” Firm, definitive. Answering the question that was never asked, that she didn’t think he’d noticed. She didn’t have to look at Severide to know the smug look on his face, always so sure in himself.

“Why are you here?” She refocussed on Matt and on what she wanted to say.

“I…I needed to see you.” Hallie stuttered under the weight of the gazes of both men.

Matt’s emotions were closed to her, devoid of any feelings he’d ever had, moments they’d ever shared. Just gone, buried, just like everything else that’d ever hurt him.

“Why?” Voice flat.  

“I needed to know you were safe.”

 “You didn’t care about that when you handed me over to him.” Matt cleared his throat carefully, hands twisted in the bedsheets he lay upon, “You didn’t care about that when you drugged me.” 

He hadn’t even raised his voice; the words piercing her soul and made her flinch anyway.

How could he not be feeling how hard this was?

But she knew exactly why.

Dissociation.

The mind and body so overwhelmed that It shutdown, down where nothing could hurt him. Protected from any more pain.  

Matt’s vision wandered off and Severide moved to his side, grabbing his hand-strong and comforting- trying to ground him. This kind of betrayal was too complete, too overwhelming. Matt likely wouldn’t trust anyone, not now, and not for a long time after.

“I’m sorry, Please…” Her chin trembled, tears starting in her eyes. “I didn’t have a choice.”

“Yes. You. Did.” The words knife sharp and bleeding through the room.

“Matt?”

He was looking through her like she didn’t exist anymore in his world. Like he was done, and it was final.

“I loved you, Hallie.”

Loved, past tense.

Tears raged down her face now, absolute agony slicing through her heart, leaving it in frayed pieces. “I’m sorry.” Devastated in her misery. She tried to get closer to him, to make him see how remorseful she was; he used to forgive her anything.

Used to.

“You need to leave.”

Done. Finished. Final.

All her hopes at reconciliation, for forgiveness dashed towards the sun to burn to ash.

What she had done had shattered them, parts too broken to bind together again.

She was and would always remain…

Unforgiveable.

Xx-Chicago Fire-xX

Matt was quiet, unusually so.

Looking across the room at the door, just staring again, no real focus, face blank.

Lay against the pillows, forlorn, fragile. In a way that hadn’t been obvious when he’d been unconscious in the days before this.

Not that they would really know how all of this would affect him just yet. They couldn’t even guess. Not knowing the whole story didn’t help. All they knew were the injuries he’d come to hospital with. One of them, a stab wound that had required hours of surgery, nearly taking him away from them permanently.

And of course, what Voight had done in this very hospital still tore through Kelly’s mind. The fear, the horror, the shattered illusion of safety, of a place you came to heal, not be terrorised more. He hoped that Casey would never remember that part as disorientated as he had been, he didn’t need to know.

Sighing, he watched over his friend, not wanting to leave him alone with this, with the conversation he’d just had. But it was hard, one of the hardest things he’d done in a long time. He wanted Matt back, he wanted his friend back but that would take some time, so he watched over him, guarding him from everyone else.

Matt was pale, bruised; marks stark against his fair skin, from the way Voight had handled him a few days previously. His voice had held strong earlier when Hallie was in here, but there was nothing now. He was worried that Matt had sunk into the place where he couldn’t be reached. Matt’s hands were still clenched around the rumpled sheets, knuckles white, arms straining.  

That had been about thirty minutes ago at least. He couldn’t seem to let go either, almost as if he did; he would have nothing left to hold on to. Everything in his world had changed, irrevocably so.

“Matt? Come on bud, you can let go now.”

Kelly’s own hand still protectively over the top of Matt’s, still grounding and he could feel the tension coiled and trembling in his friend’s body. He’d sat down as close as he could to Matt now, they were alone, he could fall apart safely, but whether he would or not was another matter.

It took far longer than it should have until Matt looked at him, eyes shimmering but refusing to let go, brow furrowed in concentration, as if he didn’t believe that he was right there in front of him.

“Sev?” Matt’s voice was softer now, scared even, and that hurt. Casey didn’t scare easily, not with everything else he’d been through before.

“You’re okay. You’re safe now.”

“You’re sure?”

He found Matt gripping his hand now, tightly, sheets forgotten. The other hand, shaky from weakness and exhaustion, had found its way to Kelly’s arm attempting to anchor himself further.

“You came for me.” Matt was tiring faster now, tone still the conversation with Hallie earlier driven by adrenaline and a need for at least part of this to be over.

“Of course, Case, always.”

As if his strings were cut. Tension bled out of his frame, limbs relaxing finally.

It was those words that broke Matt’s tenuous hold on his emotions.

Laying his head on Kelly’s shoulder, Matt shuddered, Kelly used his free arm to encircle Matt’s shaking shoulders protectively, minding the visible tube that still remained.

Matt didn’t make a sound, not really, just harsh breaths and muttered words trembling out.

“I loved her.” Betrayed, distraught, whimpering slightly, his best friend’s tears dampening his shirt. “How could she…” The rest lost in his grief, unable to talk anymore.

“I’m sorry, Matt, I’m sorry.” Soothing and sure, Kelly hoped this would help, the breakdown, the release of emotions that had been raging to get out since all this started.

The trembling slowed bit by bit, breaths evened out and settled.

Matt’s head was heavy now on his shoulder, exhaustion finally dragging him under into to what he hoped was a more restful sleep.

Their position and the weight of Matt against him caused images to flash briefly through his mind…

Unsettling cold, shadows leeching across grimy floors, fear, heated skin, scared, tried eyes, racing hearts…

Shaking himself out of the memories he’d been ignoring for weeks, ones that kept him up at night, drove him to drink a little too much when he’d been kicked out of the hospital.  

Matt was safe now, heart beating strong and regularly.

Filthy walls exchanged for sterile white. Water drops exchanged for beeps of machines that proved his friend was still alive.

No fevered skin or cold clammy limbs, just warm and solid.

Grounding him as well.

Voight was dead.

Matt was safe.

He would stay here as long as Matt needed.

He needed it as well, he knew that for sure.

Everyone was safe.

Now he just had to believe it.

TBC

Chapter Text

Chapter 13

Holding On

Voight came towards him, something sliver shining from his hand, even in the dim light.  

Fear coursed through his veins, heart rate rapid and pounding throughout his body.

Pulling at the rope was useless, just ripped off more skin from his wrists.

Everything in him told him to run, to get out, that he would die here if he didn’t do something, anything but he couldn’t.  

Standing, as much as he could, he refused to back down or bow to this monster.

Voight was just stood there, getting closer inch by inch, staring as if through him and into his soul.

“You did this.”

The imagery changed, now there was a man on the floor next to Voight.

The man, eyes open, fixed. Skin pale, knife sticking out of his abdomen, blood leaking out from the edges in a puddle that was growing.

This made no sense, he couldn’t move, not with the rope…

Then something hard was struck across his face, splitting the skin. Hot sharp pain grazed his side.

“You killed him!”

The body now looked burnt, straw coloured fluid leaking from the awful burns. Skin black, smoke filling his senses, ash floating on the air.

Voight was back now, knife now in his own hands.

“Tut, tut Lieutenant.” Voight was smirking, as if he knew something Matt didn’t, “I guess you can’t go back now. There’s blood on your hands.”

“I’ve not done anything!”

“Look at your hand Matt, see the truth.” Voight was taunting now. Head forced down by Voight, neck aching.

Looking down at his hands.

Blood. Red, congealing blood. He couldn’t even remember seeing anyone else, how could he have done this?  

Sharp pain in his arm distracted him suddenly, a needle sticking out, fire burning through him.

Hands were around his neck again, vision narrowing.

Cloth covered his face.

Not again!

He screamed.

There was light, bright, burning his eyes.

Someone was shouting.

Behind the screams was an incessant rapid beeping.

Beaths ragged, chest tight, he couldn’t breathe and there was something on his face.

Someone was still shouting, grabbing at his arms.

He needed it off, whatever it was on his face, just off.

He thought he heard his name but couldn’t focus, not until he was free.

Off!

There was resistance when he moved his hands up to his face, it was strong, but he was stronger, he had to be.

He needed it off.  

His throat hurt, sharp, like daggers.

Maybe it was himself that was shouting?

He finally reached his face and pulled, his cheek pulled with whatever it was. It felt like a thin tube, a sticky plaster, like a band-aid ripping off.

Someone was still shouting, and he still couldn’t make sense of it.

Then the tube was out but he was gagging, tears falling down his face, breaths still ragged and short.

Darkness creeped at the edge of his vision, dizziness and there were still hands on him, holding him up as the bile rushed up from his stomach and out of his mouth.

Nothing made sense, his vision blurred, body shaking.

Unconsciousness claimed him.

Down where it was safe.

Xx-Chicago Fire-xX

Matt had been resting for maybe two hours when a twitch started in his hand. Only light, and he only felt it because he’d been holding on to it.

He’d been struggling to let go; it had taken a nurse to convince him that the position Matt had fallen asleep against him in was uncomfortable. He hadn’t cared that he would ache later, it wasn’t important. She had to tell him that Casey would also feel it before he would let go.

But that didn’t last.

As soon as Matt was lay back in the bed properly, all the wires re-arranged, the feed tick away softly, running slowly and face relaxed, he’d taken up the hand closest to him and held on tight.

For both their sakes.

Matt’s body bucked a little, head turning away, muscles straining in his neck.

The hand now latched on to his and squeezing hard.

Beads of sweat appeared around Matt’s face, blonde hair sticking to his forehead, deep steady breaths started to falter.  Eyes rolling around under his lids.

Nightmare.

He knew they would come, especially now that Matt had been conscious for the first time in a month, his brain would need to process it all. Matt didn’t deserve any of this.

The beeping around Matt quickening with his heart, alarms screeching in the once settled room.

Matt’s eyes opened, staring through Kelly, seeing people who weren’t in the room. His mouth was moving silently as if trying to get the words out, trying to figure out what was next.

“STOP! GET OFF! GET OFF!”

Kelly flinched, like he’d been punched in the gut- Hard.

Matt’s voice as strong as it had been before, cracked, a wrecked whisper through trembling lips.

The chaos bought medical staff into the room, sedatives in hand, but Kelly motioned with a quiet hand gesture for them to stop for now.

“Matt!” He grabbed hold of his friend’s shoulder but was met with a flinch and had to pull back, “Matt! It’s okay.”

He tried to get close so Matt could hear him, hoping to help him through it like he had done in the past. Casey had always been prone to nightmares since before the academy, a lasting legacy of his parents’ actions. Him and Andy had learned how to help him through but that felt like a lifetime ago now.

“Case, it’s okay, you’re okay.” His tone was soothing, collected and strong.

Kelly got as close to Matt as he could with the flailing limbs, sat on the edge of the bed and tried to lift his friend up into a tight hug against his chest but he never got that far.

Not before he was sprawled out on the floor, jaw throbbing and lip bleeding.

Shit.

Shaking his head a little to clear the daze, he looked up; Matt was struggling, two security guards holding his arms.

“Stop! Please….please…” Begging.

“Get off!”

“Sev…”

Words cut off, no sound left, exhausted. Tears running unchecked down Matt’s pale skin, expression just frozen in anxiety.

He made his way back over to his friend, heart broken and feeling sick. He knew they’d have to sedate him soon to keep him safe from himself, but he hated it. He still bucked in their arms, a nurse trying to find a spot to inject safely the doctor helping the security to try and hold him.

“Matty, please.” He saw Matt still ever so slightly, head lifting up to the sound of his voice. A small flicker of recognition amongst the waves of fear, blue nearly completely engulfed by a place only Matt could see.

His voice trembled, tears gathering in his own tried eyes. “Please, you’re safe, I promise.”

The nurse moved closer slowly, but something must have alerted Matt.

The next few moments raced through the room.

With a strength born out of terror, the guards were pushed away and Matt grabbed hold of the NG tube and pulled.

Then he was gagging, body shaking with the force of the heaving.

The pump still running just ticking away in the background, feed leaking on to the floor in a beige puddle; monitors still screeching away.

Kelly’s boots scraped across the floor; he was by Matt’s side in an instant. Arm around his shoulders, holding his trembling frame up, energy spent.

Matt jerked forwards a little, the nurse the other side of him, likely having seen this before held a sick bowl in front of him. It didn’t take too long for the jag to be over, thin bile rushing up past his lips.

Matt collapsed then, into the pillows that hadn’t been thrown off the bed in the commotion of his nightmare.

Completely focussed on his friend he didn’t realise that everyone, but him and the nurse had left, monitors quietened to a more calming level.

“Is it safe for him to sleep? Won’t he choak if he’s sick again?”

The nurse, slightly older than they were looked over at him, unrelentless bounds of compassion in her expression framed by slightly greying dark hair.  

“We’ll give him something for sickness, but it was likely triggered by the NG coming out, he'll need a new one but that can wait. He’ll be okay to sleep for a while; we’ll keep popping in and checking on him.”

“Can I stay? Please?” He was the one begging now.

She smiled at him softly. “Sure, but you need to rest as well. You’ve been here since he woke up.”

“I’ll stay.”

Checking on all the equipment and monitors, stopped when she neared him, placed a comforting hand on his arm.  

“Come gets us if you need anything or he shows signs of another nightmare. Its probably better to head off the next one even if we didn’t use the sedative this time, we could use something gentler.”

Then she was gone.

They were alone in the room, faint beeping still soothing him.

Matt was sleeping, face relaxed but red from where the plaster holding the tube had been, arms reddened and likely to bruise from his struggle with the security guards.

Him hanging onto Matt’s hand like a lifeline.

Not able or willing to let go.

And here he would stay for as long as Matt needed.

TBC

Chapter Text

Chapter 14

Unfounded Guilt

Warm, steady voices filtered through the last fragments of his sleep. Brow furrowed, he tried to remember where he knew the voices from and where he was. He remembered snippets of the same voice at times previously, woven within his dreams, always there, always comforting.

Sounds and feelings started creeping in; soft beeping of a machine next to him. There was something attached to his finger, wires trailing across his chest lightly. A tube tugging down by the side of the bed that he didn’t want to think about. There was something missing but he didn’t have the energy to care too much about that, what he was attached to now felt too much.

A hand, gentle and grounding on his left arm, not too much pressure but enough to feel it.

He lay upon something soft, head and upper body raised slightly, but his body was aching as if he’d been here a while. He’d been told that he’d been here a month? Whether that was a few days ago or just yesterday he wasn’t sure though. That would explain how aching and weak his limbs felt.

It would take some time to build up strength again. Rehabilitation. He knew this but wasn’t sure he’d have the drive to do it again. Not with how he felt right now.

Drained, worn out and beaten down to dust.

There was a sterility in the atmosphere, disinfectant, shoes scuffling in the background, trollies and bed rattling along the corridor. Other unknown voices and sounds fading in and out. It was muffled by the door, but he could tell it was a busy hospital ward he was in; the constant sounds, doors opening, beeps of other machines that hadn’t been turned down.

His throat felt raw, like he’d been screaming for hours. Maybe he had. Nothing made sense, how he felt, or what he remembered.

Images darted through his mind disorganised and chaotic.

Pain. Trapped. Blood.

Hands at his throat. Choaking.

Dead eyes staring at him.

‘There’s blood on your hands now, Casey.’

Dark eyes, tormenting, laughing.

Clenching his hands, body tense, anger, fear coursing through his veins; head twisting away from the soothing voice he knew unconsciously.

What had he done?

What would they think?

He was meant to be the one saving people, not….

“Matt? Hey, you’re okay.”

Kelly’s voice emerged out of the chaos suddenly.

He felt his body tense further, quickly, flinching really; everything a bit too close, a bit too loud. The beeping beside him picked up pace with the anxiety running under his skin.

“You’re okay.” Tone soothing, drawing his attention back, tension bleeding out a little.

Squinting his eyes open, everything was out of focus for a few moments. Matt took in his friend’s face; exhausted, jaw bruised, hair looking like it had been run through his hands multiple times.

“What-?” Wincing at the pain, swallowing reflexively in attempt to ease it.

“Here, take a sip, but not too much.” Kelly warned as he held a cup out towards him.

Matt paused, a tendril of fear creeping through his body that he didn’t understand.

Shaking himself out of his thoughts he reached for the cup with an unsteady hand, Severide held on as well just briefly until Matt sent a glare his way.

The sheepish look and shrug of his friend’s shoulders settled him more than he thought it should.

It was just water, nothing to get worked up about, Kelly wouldn’t hurt him or put anything in there that shouldn’t be. He could trust his friend.

Right?

He could feel worried eyes on him as he took a sip but ignored it, it wasn’t anything to worry about. He was fine. The water was cool, clear, didn’t taste of anything in particular. Normal.

Another sip and that was the same, no odd taste, no cloudiness, placing the cup down, hands trembling more now.

But that was all he could take for now, didn’t want to drink more before knowing he could trust it. He knew that these were odd thoughts to have now that he was relatively safe, but he just couldn’t silence them.

Paranoia had wormed its way in now he was a little clearer headed. Latching on with hooks into his brain, sharp and dangerous, no matter how much he told it to shut up.  

“What happened?” He interrupted Kelly as he’d just been about to say something,

Kelly’s eyes rolled slightly, but it was fond, like he expected him to divert to a different topic.

“When Hallie left?” He nodded to his friend.

“You slept for a little while.”

Kelly went quiet, as if weighing up if it was a good idea to continue.

“Please. Just tell me.” He didn’t really care if it sounded like he was begging, he needed Severide not to lie to him. Not now.

You don’t deserve anyone anyway.

“You had a nightmare, pushed everyone away when they tried to hold you, and yanked your NG tube out.” There was worry in Kelly’s face now, “I promise you, none of it was your fault.”

That was when Matt remembered the bruising to Kelly’s jaw he saw earlier, gaze now focussed on the purpling of the skin on his friend’s face.

A pit of nausea and anxiety in his stomach, he’d hurt his friend. Matt could feel tears building up behind his eyes, he’d hadn’t meant to.

Hadn’t meant to kill either his mind supplied.

Looking down, biting his lip; he noticed his arms that were settled in his lap. There were hand shaped marks around them both-stark against his pale skin, but he couldn’t really feel it. Narrowing in on his wrists as well; pink scars circling them, messy and uneven that he didn’t remember getting, head foggy again, like crawling through smoke in the dark.

“I’m sorry, Sev.”

“Matt?” Kelly had placed his hands over his arms aiming for comfort that he couldn’t feel. His didn’t warrant it, he knew that.  He’d killed someone. He was done. Finished as a firefighter.

“No, it wasn’t your fault, you didn’t know what was happening.” Severide’s voice was firm, steady like he knew it was true.

Matt just couldn’t feel it.

“I…” He felt his chin quake, “I’m sorry.”  

I’m sorry I hurt you.

I’m sorry I killed your friend.

I’m sorry I’ll have to leave now.

Shards of images running around his head, in and out, spinning around, attaching to his vision. Chest heaving, no way to stop what was coming next.

He felt cold all of a sudden, body dipped in ice, wrapping around his core. Fracturing any kind of warmth he’d gathered from his friend.

There was a whisper at the back of his mind, it started so softly he hadn’t heard it until he’d been listening.

‘It’s your fault they’re dead.’

It made no sense, but he knew it was true, deep down in his bones.

Especially after he’d…..no!

Can’t tell, can’t tell.

Soft pillows replaced by hard, rough walls, scrapping his skin raw.

Blood, so much blood, covering his hands until they were slick.

Knife falling, clattering to the ground where it lay forgotten.

Eyes, dead, lifeless, following, watching his every move.

‘You killed them all.’

Everything was congealing together like the drying drips of blood on his skin, creating a cacophony of sound.

Relentless.

“Case, come on, look at me. Please.” Kelly voice far away and muffled, like behind marbled glass.

He didn’t know that he’d closed his eyes until he heard that. Dizziness crept in, breaths short, shallow.

There was still pressure on his arms, stronger than before as if trying to anchor him.

“Open your eyes, you’re safe.”

Didn’t realise the tone of the alarms either, screeching against the calm of the room.

There was quiet murmuring from a distance as well. But not at all sure if it was real.

A sharp brief pain in his upper left arm, to distracted by his misery to care what they’d done.

Then the hospital room was back, a door closed, heartrate settling.  

Kelly was still talking softly to him; the slow rhythmic beating of his friend’s heart against the side of his face, arm around his back, supportive, caring, without knowing what he’d done. He had to tell him, had to tell him that he shouldn’t be comforted, that he was a murderer.

“Kelly,” His voice rasped. Kelly hummed, a sound he could feel through his body, he was listening.

“I…..I think I killed someone.”

A heavy silence followed his admission.

TBC

Chapter Text

Chapter 15

Matt had fallen into a drugged sleep shortly after his admission of guilt.

Kelly was battling with his own as well, making the decision to call the nurse in to sedate him had been hard. Nausea twisting his gut; when the hospital had run the tox panel they’d been astounded that Matt had been any kind of lucid at all when he’d been found.

Watching Matt look so fragile was awful, it wasn’t supposed to be this way. He was strong, stronger than anyone he knew. But no one’s strength was limitless, and it was looking more and more like Voight had pushed him past his breaking point.  

His body had been ravaged by the captivity, even all these weeks later, even with the nutrition the hospital had been giving he’d been losing weight, body too stressed to hold onto the calories before burning through them. Now with the NG out as well, that would be another bump in the road, Kelly had a feeling that Matt wouldn’t just let them place another one just by how he reacted to having his blood pressure taken.

He felt queasy when saw the scaring around Matt’s wrists, still red proving how deep the wounds had been, how much he’d fought. The stab wound to his abdomen, that initially had been ragged, puffy at the edges and infected- that had needed two surgeries to fix. Then there was the bruising from the last few days, hand marks from holding him down, from trying to stop him pulling at the wires and tubes. They’d lost that fight, but it still hurt him that they’d had to in the first place. Matt’s mind too tormented to know he was safe now, that they weren’t trying to hurt him.

Matt’s mood from what he’d seen so far, seemed erratic, running between scared to paranoid, to nothing-catatonic, dissociated, then right back to terror. That was saying a lot given he hadn’t been awake all that much.

The nurses had been popping in and out, taking observations, filling their charts, making sure Matt was comfortable, but even that was a struggle, Matt’s body seemed to have a sensor when people he didn’t know got too close and curled slightly away from them.

Severide hated this, hated watching his friend struggle, hated that he was in this position. And the worst part? It had been for nothing. Hallie’s sister had always been safe; Voight was just trying to get his hands on Matt and had been for months it seemed.

The things they’d found out since Voight had been killed, he couldn’t bear to think about. Addresses of places Matt liked to go, his routines, piles of photographs. Plans of how to get a hold of him, how hard each one would be to pull off when Casey worked so much between the CFD and his construction jobs, constantly keeping himself busy because he’d been missing Hallie of all people.

That made it sting more.

As soon as she came back, Voights plans became more focussed on revenge and betrayal, on making Casey pay with his sanity as well as his life. Research into drugs printed out, how much to give for certain effects, how to mix them to make the others worse. How long a human body could be kept alive without food and water and how he planned to make it go as long as he could so Casey was desperate for it to end, and how much he would enjoy it to make the stoic fire lieutenant beg for mercy.

Then, there were the videos on Voight’s phone and hard drive on his computer.

Beatings, with hands, with feet, with items hard enough to cause extensive bruising just to make it hurt more. Hours of darkness, loneliness, mind free to cause hallucinations that had been helped by the drugs. Letting him sleep in moments at a time then waking him up with eye watering bright lights and banging of doors, erratically enough that eventually Matt gave up completely trying to rest and was on constant alert, only his body forcing him into an unconscious state before he could rest.

He could hear Matt shouting deep in his soul, he’d wanted to see what his friend had been put through so he could hopefully help him. If he was honest though, he had no idea where to start.

Matt had been angry to start with, raging at being held against his will, threatening everyone; mind and body ever ready to take advantage when he saw an opening. That was until the drugs built up, injuries became too numerous to count; until the fever and sickness took over. For hours on some days, he would be listless, then seeing things that weren’t there, Voights men laughing at him to a point where, towards the end they’d hadn’t even needed the drugs to subdue him.

Too hurt to really fight back.

That broke his heart more than anything else, Matt had been driven to just existing in a damp squalor of a place, cold, alone and thinking no one was coming for him because the goons told him so.

They’d likely hadn’t even found out everything either.

For the hours of footage they did have, there was infinitely more of them they didn’t. What they had recorded had been awful, it made him sick wondering what they didn’t know.

They still didn’t know how he’d been stabbed, how he’d escaped or how he thought he was responsible for killing someone else. As far as they knew that case had been ruled as self-defence, struck to the back of the head in a desperate attempt to live, the angles of blood spatter and blood on Casey. A lot of it was assumed from the limited  information they had, but no one was willing to dig any further than that or bring Casey up on any charges, one because they weren’t one hundred percent sure and two, because who wouldn’t strike out if fear at someone trying to kill you, especially with an unknown amount of drugs in your system.

Voight’s taunting voice filtered through his brain, protecting a murderer. Kelly refused to believe that were true. He knew they’d found some blood on Casey that wasn’t his own, but he knew without a doubt that even if Casey had killed someone that it would have been self-defence.  There was absolutely no way he’d done that on purpose which is what he’d told Voight at the time. He just hoped that Matt wouldn’t remember his confession, it’s not something Matt needed to deal with right now.

If Kelly could take all of this away from him, he would do it in a heartbeat.

Forcing out a long breath, he tried to calm down. Looking at Matt’s face, brow furrowed even under sedation.

The door opened gently behind him, but he was look worn out to look around at who had arrived, his entire focus on Matt and not letting go of his arm.

“How’s he doing, Severide?”

The deep voice and supportive hand on his shoulder made him look up a little at their Chief.

“Honestly...” he trailed off, unsure of how to describe it all. “I… They had to sedate him an hour or so ago, couldn’t stop panicking, saying he’d killed someone.”

Boden’s silence and Kelly’s heavy thoughts filled the room, atmosphere thick with deep, all-encompassing suffering.

They both knew that Matt Casey wouldn’t have killed someone of his own free will, not unless his own life was at stake. And most of the time not even then.

“You need to take a break.”

“I can’t Chief, I can’t let go.” Kelly’s voice was small, desperate but unwavering.

“That wasn’t a request, Kelly.” The use of his first name surprised him more than it should have. “You’ll burn yourself out like this, he’ll need all of his friends once he’s out of here and there’s a whole firehouse behind him willing to help.”

He still struggled to physically let go, scared that if he did then all of this would dissolve, that they hadn’t found Matt.

That he’d actually died weeks ago.

Alone. Forgotten. Forsaken.

That he’d never been saved.

X-Chicago Fire-X

Kelly was pacing, he needed to keep moving, anxiety crawling under his skin. Short steps; breathe, step, breathe, step, turn, step, breathe, on and on until the anxiety settled enough so he could think.

He knew Boden was right, he couldn’t stay here all the time, but he didn’t know how to do anything else right now. Souly focussed on his friend and how much he’d failed him both before his kidnapping and when trying to get him out.

Images running around in his head relentlessly. The cold, damp corridor, the confused look in Matt’s expression mixing with the terror from hours before. The clean hospital corridor a stark difference but still unnerving. Still like they were trapped; just in a different version of the world now, clean but still tormented.

Still a long journey ahead.

“Kelly.”

Severide turned around at the voice and found his best friend, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

Shay wrapped her smaller arms around him and held on like his life depended on it; it parts it did. She had been there for him throughout this whole mess even when he knew he frustrated her, even when he was angry at the world. She’d just hold him together, strong, silent and just there.

“He’ll be okay, Kelly.” Spoken like a promise she’d already made with the universe.

“How? All he’s been through? Everything we don’t know? What they did to him, Shay, I don’t think anyone would be. The videos-”  His eyes were blurring, his heart throbbing harshly with each beat.

“Kelly, look at me.”

He did but he couldn’t hold on to her gaze for too long, guilt still eating him up, couldn’t look any of them in the face right now, not without seeing their anger, their disappointment even if they said they weren’t.

“He’s got everyone on his side; he’ll pull through this.” Her voice was steady, like it wasn’t even a question in her mind.

“You don’t know that you’ve not seen him yet,” Anger rippling around the edges of his words.

He heard Shay sigh deeply, “Because he’s also got you now, he knows that you care again, he knows that you came for him, when he thought no one would.”

Severide thought it over for a while, the explanations were so simple and honest to gods truth. Casey had never really believed words, not unless you could prove it or follow through. Actions spoke louder to him because words had been venomous and hurtful in the past, they’d been twisted to make him feel bad, feel guilty for everything that went wrong.

He nodded into her shoulder and his chest released a fraction more of the anxiety he carried.

“Come on, Kelly, you need to eat something, you’ll be no use to him if you run yourself down like this.”

“Boden said the same thing.”

Shay hummed, “Great minds, Kelly.”

The wall of anxiety chipped a little more, smile tugging on his lips for a second, like for now the world wasn’t ending. Even when it felt like it still was.

They headed to a café a bit further down the corridor from Matt’s room, Kelly to recharge and Shay to support him.

TBC

Chapter Text

Chapter 16

Low, mumbled voices pulled away the last vestiges of sleep.

His head felt heavy, foggy like he’d been drugged. Again.

Even though he’d been told he was safe here.

Someone was laughing at the back of his mind.

I can’t believe you fell for that.

It had Severide’s voice.

But Voight’s face.

‘You really thought you’d been rescued. That anyone would come for you.’

Anger was bubbling away under his skin, a prickly heat building up throughout his body. He couldn’t believe how stupid he’d been.

Looking around he tried to make sense of his world.

Blurry around the edges, vision tunnelled, whispers in his head, thoughts crawling around like ants.

“Casey?”

Oh right, the mumbled voices from before…

Three people were looming, looking at him, seemingly waiting on him to do something. They were looking at him like they were thankful his was safe, like they’d actually missed him.

“I don’t believe you.” He chuckled but it was a dark, broken sound made of glass.

He saw Severide looking towards Shay and Boden, confused and worried. Like there was something wrong with him.

Then there was only one, Severide and he-

‘Maybe you should leave.’ There was Voight again, creeping around his brain.

This was the only thing that made any sense though right now.

With shaking hands, he started removing the sticky wires across his chest. He didn’t hear the monotone behind him.

Someone grabbed both of his wrists. The hands were firm, familiar and normally comforting. But it hurt.

“Casey? It’s okay- “Severide’s voice was too close now and he jerked away, trying to pull his hands free.

“Let go.” His voice seemed weak again and he hated it.

The simmering anger from before boiled away his skin and spilled out of his mouth, raging at the room.

“Y…you said I was SAFE!”

“You are Casey. You are.” His voice was soothing but too sweet to Matt’s ears, like he was a scared victim.

It wasn’t.

He wasn’t.

“You’re lying!” Kelly looked like he’d just been kicked but it got the response he wanted, he let go of his hands.

Leave. Run away.

You’ll get them killed.

You’re better off dead.

Shadows danced around the dark corners of the room, enticing him onwards, telling him to go, to leave, to run.

Casey ripped the blanket off himself and moved shakily to the edge of the bed.

“Matt! Stop!” Kelly looked scared as he squinted at him through hazy eyes. The shadows were creeping around Kelly now.

“Have…too…leave…” He knew he was panting but didn’t really care, he needed out, where people weren’t trying to hurt him.

The blood pressure cuff was torn off easily but there was still something attached to him, inside him. It was vaguely familiar but…

They’re doing experiments on you Casey. Voights face came out of the shadow, words like lava, burning, hurting until there was no safety left.

Needles were dug into his body. Rough hands holding him down…

“NO! GO AWAY.”

He watched Kelly flinch at the shredded sound of his voice.

His legs were heavy; had he been drugged again? Betrayal on his lips as he looked up and spoke.  

“W-why? You…promised.” His vision was blurred by tears. “I can’t….can’t.” He looked at his legs, barely co-operating with his mind.

“Case, you’re in hospital. Have been for over a month, that’s why you’re struggling to move.” Kelly’s tone was soft, hands raised in surrender, watching him with pain in his eyes.

His mind drifted a little, images coming forward, dark corridors, poisoned water, pain, cold and Kelly.

He’d come for him; he knew that without question. He could feel it was true.

So why then, couldn’t he believe it.

“You…found me?” He searched Kelly’s face, tired, heartbroken and pained.

“Always. No matter what.”

His own expression crumpled, chest heavy with fear, he knew this.

Despite every heated word thrown at each other, Kelly, would always come-

But…the whispering was back.

‘He’s tricking you; you can’t trust him; he left you alone.’

“Stop!” His head was aching so much, too much, he just needed to think. He needed to get out, get some air, clear his head.

He dragged his legs to the edge of the bed, arms shaking as he held on to the mattress with all the strength he had.  

His head was filled with static now, his pulse pounding in his ears, like he was on the brink of passing out.

He had to push through though, he needed to leave, it wasn’t safe here with all these shadows, all the wires and tubes.

His body felt like thick treacle, slow, heavy. Weak.

“Matt? You’re safe, I promise.”

Shaking his head, trying to clear the fuzzy quality to his vision, his voice wavered in response the Kelly’s plea.

“I…can’t…you’re not real…”

Nothing was making any sense to him; images of them laughing over the radios on the truck, have cigar breaks, grabbing drinks flashing through him, but also the hurt between them.

Voight had told him that Kelly didn’t care, wouldn’t come even if he felt differently, even though he knew he would’ve. Just words spinning around chaotically, confusing what he knew and what he could see here now.

He heard a shuffle at the door and whipped his head up so fast he nearly tumbled off the bed completely.

Kelly said something to them, whoever they were but he didn’t hear it, head filled with cotton wool, things were muffling.

Feeling weaker by the minute he had to move now, had to get away from Voight who was lingering in the corner now.

You’re too weak Casey, look at yourself, can’t even stand…laughing again in his head.

“Shut up, Voight!”

The burst of anger got his blood going enough to push up from the bed.

For maybe a second it worked, he was standing, if barely but he was. Limbs shaking apart, visions burry and darkness covering his sight.

But then he was crashing down, knees cracking against the hard hospital floor, he expected then for the rest of his body to hit hard. Maybe it would knock him out enough to end this all.

It didn’t, and he didn’t understand why until he opened his eyes that he didn’t know he’d closed. There was a faint rumble of words through his body, someone else voice.

Kelly.

He was actually there, he was real after all, not a figment of his imagination. Not his voice on Voight’s face.

They were sat on the cold ground, Matt’s head on Kelly’s shoulder.

He could feel himself drift off, voices in his head slowing, the pounding of his heart drowning everything else out. Body and mind Exhausted and let go, safe in the darkness of unconsciousness.

X-Chicago Fire-X

Severide felt his friend sag against his chest; arms still wrapped around him protectively. Matt’s breaths were slow and easy thankfully, he also barely seemed to weigh anything which was worrying but he knew that the medical team had planned to get the NG back in. Now though, that seemed to be the least of their concerns, and he doubted that Matt would let anyone near him.

Everything had been such chaos in the last twenty-four hours between Matt pulling things out, his panicking and being sedated and now this. He was a complete loss of what had just happened.

Neither Boden nor Shay had any clue by the shocked look on their faces.

Sure, they’d been expecting mood swings and Kelly had already explained these to them, but this?

Matt hadn’t seemed to know where he was, what was happening or who was in the room and seemed to have been talking to Voight given what he had shouted.

But that was impossible, Voight was dead. Of that, they were absolutely certain.

So why did Matt seem to be talking to him?

Had all the torture caused enough trauma for his brain to break completely? Everyone had that point, no matter how strong someone was.  

Now, here he was with his best friend, passed out against him. Alive but apparently lost in the storm of his own mind.  

Kelly had kept everyone away- including medical staff, while he’d try to talk to Matt, not that it had done any good really. Then, when a nurse had tried to get a bit closer, Matt had panicked and nearly toppled off the bed.   

He hurt and betrayal that he’d seen in Matt’s eyes earlier-when he’d realised that he’d been sedated still tore at his heart, even if it had been the best thing at the time. He wasn’t so sure now given what they had all just witnessed here.  

“Kelly, we should probably get Matt back into his bed.” Shay’s voice was soft and calming.

Kelly nodded in agreement, Boden stepped up to help take Matt’s weight as Shay adjusted the bed.

Once Matt was settled in bed, blanket keeping him warm and Kelly’s hand lightly holding his hand to ground himself and Matt; Matt’s doctor stepped in the room having been forced to wait outside by Severide earlier.

For a moment no one knew what to say, the worry heavy in the room, encasing them all.  

“Has he shown any other similar behaviour since waking?” He was gentle but firm in asking but it still got Kelly’s hackles to rise, thankfully he was too exhausted and too focused on Matt to react.

He wasn’t crazy.

“No, he seemed worried about drinking the water yesterday evening but that’s it.”

“We don’t know for sure, but we are assuming that Voight may have drugged his food or water on the rare occasions he did, which could easily explain that.” Boden added in.

Matt’s doctor nodded in contemplation, but he didn’t seem entirely convinced and looked at them all with a practiced calm face, but they could feel that it was forced to ease them into something that was something else they would need to face.     

“Given the sudden outburst and paranoid behaviours I witnessed from outside the room however, I think it’s more than likely delayed ICU psychosis or even trauma related psychosis now that he’s remembering parts of what he’s been through.”

“Can he recover?” Kelly asked as he squeezed Matt’s hand. “Couldn’t it have just been a reaction to the sedation?” He knew he was grasping at straws here. The risk of this information getting back to the CFD and it ending Matt’s career was high as much as he didn’t want to think about it and as much as he knew that Boden would fight it.

It was too risky to have a firefighter with a history of psychosis and the potential of having another episode on call.

“There’s a small chance yes but, ICU psychosis or delirium is a higher chance here given the medications we had him on for the first few weeks of his stay. The best thing you all can do is remind him that he is safe and try to divert his attention to something else, tell him stories of what’s familiar to him, bring clothes that he in comfortable in, could even help. We will try to manage this without medications at the moment, but there may be a need to put him on antipsychotics which comes with their own issues in terms of symptoms and management.”   

Kelly was heartbroken-they all were, they’d got him out; he was essentially healed physically. He just needed to build his strength, gain weight and then he could come home to him, and they would work on everything else with therapy which had been suggested earlier by the medical team.

Now this.

He didn’t deserve this.

The silence encompassing the room now was laden with fear.

Would Matt be able to come back from this?

Recovery seemed an infinity away.

TBC

Chapter Text

Chapter 17- Control or Fear

It had been a couple of days since the last talk with the doctors.

Severide didn’t know what to do, not the way things were at the moment. Both he and the staff at the hospital had noticed that he was the only person Matt felt even remotely safe with.

But even that was fragile.

Especially, when Matt had been tormented with nightmares most of the time he did manage to sleep.

They’d also lost a number of cannulas for IV fluids that way; thinking they were sticking him with long hot, burning needles, or that something was crawling under his skin that needed ripping out. After that particular one, Matt had refused for anyone to come near him for the rest of the day.

There were moments though, when he’d brought some books in for him to read, just sparks of hope, even as small as they were. Moments where there was still fire in his friend and not fear.

Of course, it was usually related to either firefighting or construction, the things he was most passionate about. It seemed to calm him, like latching onto a world that he remembered before Voight, a world where he was the one in control as much as they could be as firefighters.

He walked up the hospital corridor, boots scuffing along the floor, limbs heavy with fatigue. Severide spent most of his time here and even he was going mad, staring at the same walls, corridors and the noises of a busy ward.

If it wasn’t so vital to Matt’s health he’d take him home, at least get him into a better environment where there wasn’t so much that could be twisted to look like something horrible.

That thought in mind, he wandered up to the nurse’s desk to ask about Matt and if much had changed. Thankfully, things were as stable as they could be for the moment.

Matt was awake more now, still exhausted but his stamina was increasing each time. He was quietly hopeful that this was a turning point now, less confusion, less hallucinations from what he was hearing. But they’d also warned him that some days were better and some worse.

He just hoped they would be wrong.

“Is he strong enough for this?” Fear laced Kelly’s tone, he didn’t want to set Matt’s recovery back. Even if it was more of a stand-off rather than any steps forward or back.  

There were a few looks, knowing ones, with wealth’s of experience behind them.

“It can’t hurt.”

As if it was the last option, one they hadn’t tried yet.

It was only three words, but they were so heavy, lingering in the air, ready to wrap around them and drain away the only spark of hope that remained.

There was still a grey cloud hanging around them, the elephant in the room so to speak.

Matt needed to eat, before he wasted away into nothing. If nothing else he needed to drink but refused anything, build-up drinks filled with protein and vitamins he was sorely missing.

If he fought them much longer, given the psychosis, they would have to act in his best interest and put the NG tube back in under sedation.

With Kelly still down as his emergency contact, he would have to agree to it.

There were other things they could try, they still had time.

Didn’t they?

It was an awful decision to be taken away from you, the betrayal in Matt’s face the last time still haunting his thoughts, even in his sleep. He wouldn’t agree unless absolutely necessary.

A crash tore him out of his thoughts, spinning around he knew where it had come from, knew by the strained voice of his friend.

X-Chicago Fire-X

Everything felt off.

It was hard to explain.

Like that moment your stomach drops away from you when you’ve gone too fast over a bump or hit turbulence in a plane, then the anxiety drips in infecting everything, the bubbling causing a nausea that was unrelenting.

He felt sick, always just simmering there on the surface.

The lights were too bright, the blankets too heavy and the atmosphere too close.

And the tray of food just off to the side of him too loud. Screaming at him, he laughed a little, like he was going to chance that.

Not even if they asked nicely or made it seem like a good idea, that it would help him.

Because he couldn’t.

They would have put something in it purposely; to make everything burn through his veins, making his blood like lava.

His body ached so much, he’d been told it was because he’d been in the hospital for so long, but it was hard to believe them. Even when Kelly had told him the story.

Sometimes when he awoke it felt like a cage, like a prison- just made of brighter lights, softer surroundings but people he still couldn’t trust.  

They came in with their smiles and light voices, trying to convince him into things he didn’t want. The more they tried, the more he ignored them.

It was easier that way, he could fade away that way.

It made far more sense this way, Voight had told him he hadn’t anything to go back to anyway. They didn’t care for him, not really but…

There was another familiar voice in his mind fighting with Voight, saying the opposite, telling him that he was safe, but he wasn’t sure if it was real or an elaborate dreamscape. Something his mind wished for or truth.

He was brought out of his thoughts as his door opened, body tense, eyes watching everything.

“You really should try to eat Mr Casey.” Clearly his nurse for the day, tried to make her voice neutral but it held a sympathetic frustration that grated on Matt’s nerves.

He knew they meant well but he was sick of it, sick of all of it, all the people that came to ask questions he didn’t want to answer, the medical staff telling him what would be best for him.

“If you don’t try, we’ll have to put the tube back in.” Maybe she was one of those ones, ones that made you feeling guilty for not trying. Maybe his mind was putting words in her mouth.

But it wasn’t about that.

His head hurt, everything burned and he needed to be able to say no.

Some control.

He couldn’t.

Anger rose up suddenly, Voight’s image coming into view from the left, near the tray, syringe in hand, hovering over the tray before watching as he pressed the plunger.

“No!”

Matt could feel his veins burning again.  

Afraid and angry he lashed out.

The tray on the table got swiped away from him, soup and water spilling over him and the floor, the bowl shattering on impact.

Mind spinning haphazardly, voices drown out by the adrenaline buzzing through his system. Breaths sharp, shallow as he felt the damp gown sticking to him, warm and horrible, like congealing blood.

Theres blood on your hands Casey, everyone knows it…

“Matt?”

There was a hand on his shoulder now, supportive, sure and warm. His body calming instantly, like it was someone he knew, someone who was safe.

He blinked a few times, trying to clear his mind of Voight and fear that had leeched into him. Looking behind Kelly he only saw the cold sterile walls of his room.

“Kelly.” He let out a long breath as if he’d been waiting for too long to release the anxiety locked up inside him.

“Yeah,” Kelly smiled, eyes mischievous, “Want to get out of here for a bit?”

He noticed the wheelchair beside the bed.

As much as he wanted to, it made him stop, brow furrowed.

What if Voight was still out there, what if the others were waiting to see how much of a headcase he was. What if…

“Hey, you know Voight can’t hurt you, right?”

“How do you know?” His voice small, scared and he hated it. Shame inflaming his cheeks.

“What if everyone is just lying to make me feel better?”

Kelly squeezed his shoulder just a little bit tighter in response.

“Case, I know that we have fought over things this last year, but you have to know I wouldn’t lie about him being dead, I saw it with my own eyes. He can’t hurt you or anyone else again.”

He knew that Kelly would tell him as many times as he needed to hear it. As much as he needed until he could believe it.

His mind was buzzing with noises, images, whispers but he didn’t want to listen, not right now so he latched on to something else in Kelly’s hand. Sometimes if he focussed on his books and other people, he could ignore whatever else was coming to mind. He knew this wasn’t right, that some of these things weren’t real but also, he remembered them happening, so it was hard to tell them apart.

“What’s in the bag?” Matt was carefully curious.

“Thought actual clothes would be more comfortable that those gowns that show everything off.” The laugher in Kelly’s voice actually made him smile, it was shaky and felt odd as if it didn’t belong, but it was there.

X-Chicago Fire-X

It had taken longer than planned to get Matt into a clean gown that wasn’t covered in soup, Matt had been ashamed and had tried to get it done by himself, glaring at Kelly before he had to give in. Give into the weakness, the shaking limbs and fatigue that nearly took his breath away just by moving.

Matt’s body had been ravaged by the captivity, the hospital stay, the lack of nutrition. His ribs clear through pale skin, scars from injuries and subsequent surgeries, from being stabbed, tied up for hours, days at a time.

Kelly had to hide the sympathetic looks quickly which was hard to do because while he knew Matt wouldn’t appreciate them, it felt like he was lying even though in was in his best interest right now.

He had brought Matt to a secluded patient garden for those who had longer stays and craved some outside safely. There was a water fountain, with gentle running water and concentric circular patches of flower beds all filled with colour running around the fountain with the wooden tables around the edges. Reds, blues, purples all arranged neatly, vibrantly and ignoring the heavy overcast sky above them.

Kelly had to smile at the image of Matt wrapped up in two thick pale blue hospital blankets: one around his shoulders and one for his legs so he wouldn’t get cold in the chill that lingered around the city.

He set two drinks down onto the table in front of them, hot chocolate, with cream and chocolate powder sprinkled on top. A guilty pleasure they had both shared way back from the academy days and had continued until this last year. Maybe this would go aways in fixing what had become of their friendship, one that had them sharing cigars, watching games, helping each other with their other jobs and in the darkness of the morning when they couldn’t sleep, they would have hot chocolate without needing to say a thing about it or why they were there.

He wasn’t directly looking at Matt, just out the side of his eye and he saw that spark of familiarity again and hoped it was enough to get Matt at least drinking.

Matt’s hands seemed to have a mind of their own when they reached out to the ceramic mug on the table, but a few inches away he flinched as if he didn’t know why he’d just done that.

Kelly’s chest tightened in sorrow, to see his friend like this, so absolutely scared to even do something familiar, something as simple as drinking a hot chocolate. He didn’t know how much more heartbreak he could stand, but that wasn’t Matt’s fault.

“S…sorry.”

His voice was so quiet he nearly missed it, head down, hands twisting within the blankets.

“You don’t need to apologise for any of this, there’s no pressure, even if we just sit here in silence. Whatever you need.”   

Kelly took a sip of his own drink, eyes closed, trying not to break down and cry, Matt didn’t deserve this. No one did. It took him a while longer to collect himself. He missed the worried stare of his friend, how Casey bit his lip in anxiously and how his fingers were tapping against the table.

“You’re not getting sick? Or in pain.”

Casey’s anxious voice cut him to the core.

“No, why would i….”

Oh

Matt was trembling a little, more from fear than cold and looking around, as if waiting for something horrible to happen. Waiting for him to react to what had been put in the drink, even though he’d watched them be made.

The silence stretched on between them, Matt’s focus drifting a little, eyes darting around, watching, waiting.

“Matt? Is that what they would do?” He was surprised that his own voice didn’t break over the words.

It took a few painstaking moments where Severide wasn’t sure if Matt was non-responsive again, before he responded with the smallest of nods in the affirmative.

Matt was still watching anxiously, as is if latching on to his expression, making sure he could see every part, every twitch.

“You’re sure you’re not getting sick?”

“I’m okay, no pain, no nausea, no burning.” That last part he had added as it had come up a few times about how Matt would feel the drugs burning through him.

He watched the internal fight the other man seemed to be having he was tense, shaking hands hovering, waiting to see if Matt would win this time. Like he wanted to be better just by sheer will.

His hands moved, not towards his own mug but to Severide’s, held it between both hands, breathed in the smell deeply. The frown that had become a permanent feature on Matt’s face, loosened just a fraction. Seemed to settle his chaotic mind as his shoulders dropped an inch, relaxing a little from the tense posture they’d been holding for too long.

And took a drink of the sugary liquid, slowly, steadily until it was nearly gone. Clearly not wanting to push himself too much. Matt had a small but happier smile than the one from earlier back in his room.

Kelly smiled for what felt the first time in months, genuinely and lighter that he had felt in a while.

TBC

Chapter Text

Chapter 18

‘You know, Casey, you’re not going to make it much longer unless you eat.’

The harsh words came all of a sudden out of the darkness, the fear spiking up through his body.

His hands were tied again, thick ropes biting into his skin.

A strong grip holding his hair, forcing him to look into their eyes.

NO!

He wouldn’t do this, not even If they were fighting.

It couldn’t be Severide, not with the anger and hate glaring right into his soul.

He wouldn’t…

He’d never been here.

He’d gotten him out.

‘Are you listening, can you hear them?’ The hand twisted in his hair more causing Matt to wince, a muffled moan leaving him.

Matt couldn’t answer though, he was still gagged and bound.

Then a sharp pain pinched his arm, a needle digging into his skin and the plunger was pressed. He tried to shout but no sound was made.

Severide just let go and left him limply on the floor, eyes blurring from the drugs that had been injected.

He needed to ask why? Why Kelly would do something like this? Even when they hated each other, he wouldn’t do this.

He wouldn’t!

Then the door was opened again, someone else stepping in and moving towards him, stopping around a foot away. They leaned down to place a tray in front of him.

‘You’ll get ill if you won’t eat, Matt.’ Her voice dripping with malice.

It was Hallie. But she’d never said this, not that he could remember.

He looked at the tray, there was a small cup filled with a murky liquid, and what looked like a lump of bread that had gone mouldy at one end.

Shaking his head from the fuzz that creeped up on him, body hot and veins on fire again, the bread dissolved to a small pile of fat maggots, crawling around the tray and creeping towards him.

He tried to shuffle away from it, but it was useless with how weak his body was. Limbs shaking with any movement, muscles ravaged by the lack of nutrients.   

That was when the rope tightened around his wrists and slithered against his skin.

It wasn’t rope any longer; it was a snake, leaving trails of slime on his skin, wrapping around tighter and tighter. He tried to get it off, eyes darting around for anything to get it off, hands numbing with the pressure of the blood flow being stopped.

Laughter rang out now, both Kelly and Hallie were laughing at him, just watching him struggle to get loose.

Nothing was helping, nothing was stopping this.

His heart raced, breathing ragged and short, mind going a mile a minute, nothing making sense.

Then Kelly had gotten behind him, digging a needle into his arm, fire shooting out of it.

Then everything just stopped.

His breathing became laboured and slow.

A darkness encroached and the silence was freeing.

Maybe, this was it.

Maybe, it was all over.

Finally…

Xx-Chicago Fire-xX

Kelly, as usual made his way to Nurses station to check in with them to see how Matt was doing today.

He felt their looks of sadness and guilt like a shot to his heart, his heart rate shooting up.

“What happened?”

Carley, one of Matt’s regular and more experienced nurses, indicated him to follow her to the empty relative’s room.

He followed but every step felt heavy, weighing him down. He didn’t know how much more he could take, the small steps forwards, and sometimes the larger ones back.  Shay had tried to help him pace things and take breaks for himself, which is why he’d not visited him yesterday.

Elated that things had been going relatively well, they’d even had another trip to the café where Matt had had a full mug of hot chocolate this time. Matt had needed him to try it again before trusting it, but the fight with his mind was a little quieter that time. They had even laughed a little at a story Kelly shared about the guys at work.

That had been the only reason he’d taken a day off, and now…

Now it felt like he was responsible, that it was his fault because this could only mean that it was one of the bad days and he hadn’t been there for him like he’d promised.

They both sat down in well-worn softer chairs; these rooms made a little more with comfort in mind as difficult conversations needed to be had here.

“I’m sorry Kelly, we had to sedate him during the early hours of the morning.”

His stomach dropped, hands clenching in frustration. “I thought we’d agreed that it would only be as a last resort?” He forced the words out through gritted teeth. He was assured that this would only happen when necessary and given how he hadn’t needed sedating a in a few days he was at a loss of how to understand it now.

“We tried to manage the situation, he’d woken from a nightmare, kicking out at the staff, he didn’t seem to realise that he was safe.  Kept stating that he had to get them off, scratching at his wrists, drawing blood and couldn’t seem to stop. Like he was completely caught in what he’d seen in the nightmare, we had to make the decision for his safety.” The anguish in her voice settled around the quiet room.

“How bad is it?” The words were tense, anxious and held a sadness he hadn’t felt yet throughout these last few months. That Matt had been so terrorised by a nightmare that he’d caused damage to himself, that only being sedated stopped him doing further harm.

“He needed a couple of stiches as the scaring there is very fragile. Matt wouldn’t talk to anyone when he woke up after sedation, has been refusing anyone going near him for vitals, even the cleaner doing his job got shouted at until he left.”

Severide’s shoulders sagged, hands holding his head, willing the tears not to come. This was his best friend, and he didn’t know how to help him, not the way he needed.  

“He seems calmer when you’re there, we’ve tried to encourage him to eat, drink, talk to the psychiatrist but he only really talks to you.”

Kelly heard what she was saying but he wasn’t at all sure that he was even doing the right thing for Matt. “I don’t know how to do this.”

Carley placed her hand on his arm gently, “Just be a friend, someone he can trust.”

“And if I fail, what happens then.” Severide was terrified of the answer to that, chest seizing on the words.

The senior nurse sighed heavily, “The other option is to section him for his own wellbeing, but that’s a last resort.”

Severide flinched a little, shocked that the only other option was so drastic, it wasn’t like Matt was mentally ill or a danger to himself or others, traumatised sure, but who wouldn’t be after everything he’d been through.   

And if that did happen, there was no way to hide a psych admission from the CFD.

“The only reason that I am telling you this, apart from you still being recorded as an emergency contact, is that we are close to having the make this decision for his own good. If we spend much longer trying to get him to eat, we risk malnutrition becoming an issue again, his body is fragile right now, without vitamins, electrolytes and fats his heart will fail.”

“But it’s only been a few days, and he’s been doing well with the drinking. He just needs more time,” He was grasping on to anything here, “Just please, don’t make this decision unless you absolutely have to. It’s not something he would want.”

He felt like he was begging but he couldn’t care less, this was his best friend they were talking about, everything that had come between them before didn’t matter, not now.

Carley left his to gather his thoughts before he saw Matt, he knew the sympathetic look that would be on her face as she left but he refused to look.

He hoped that the progress they had made wasn’t ruined by needing to keep Matt safe, even if it was from himself.

He didn’t know if he would be able to stand just a large step backwards, not now.

Xx-Chicago Fire-xX

The tension in Matt’s room felt thick and dark as he walked in; like heavy storm clouds building up pressure in the atmosphere, that tinny smell right before the thunder would start.

With his heart heavy he would need to gage just how bad it was, how much of a set back they’d been delt.

Even as he looked on his friend, closing the door to the room as quietly as he could, even as Matt looked asleep, Kelly could see the anger running through his friend’s frame. Jaw tensed even in sleep, brows furrowed but just barely so no one else who did know him would see it. It wasn’t anyone else problem to deal with it but himself. That’s what Matt had told him a long time ago at least.

Severide took up the seat next to Matt’s bed quietly, not wanting to disturb him if he was resting. 

Matt’s head turned slowly towards him, obviously hadn’t been asleep as he thought.

It only took half a moment to see the damage.

Even with one look that the progress they’d made was gone, there was a despondency in Matt’s expression, similar to when he’d blamed him for Andy’s death and had no one left to trust. Again, a time when Hallie had left and no one else was around for him.

It wasn’t fair that Matt was constantly taking blow after emotional blow even before this.

Now the thread that Matt had been holding onto, the safety of his friend seemed to have snapped and all that was left was anger.

“Hey-” Kelly started but was cut off.

“Why are you here?” It was just a question but filled with a lifetime full of broken trust.

“Matt?” But the expression on Matt’s face was blank, almost back to catatonic and it hurt.

“I don’t need you, get out.”

His voice wasn’t loud or harsh, but the meaning was clear.

Severide was at a loss, he didn’t understand what had happened, what had changed since the last time he saw him.

“Please, Matt, what happened?”

Matt’s expression faltered slightly, “You were in on it.” There was a rasp there as well, like he was coming down with something.

“In on what?”

“All of it!” Now Matt’s voice was louder, but looking closer; his eyes were clouded, hair sticking to his head, face flushed like he had a fever.

Severide inched forwards as much as he could, something was wrong here, Matt’s breathing was heavy, laboured as if it was a struggle to breathe.  He must have missed the smaller signs of illness when he arrived, but then Matt was a master of disguise when he didn’t want people’s help.

Matt was panting now, frowning at him and looking around as if he had the answers

Casey’s hand grabbed on to his arm, and it was burning hot.

Kelly was trying to make sense of everything when Matt slumped over towards him.

“Matt!”

He lay Casey back into the pillows gently, he’d gone pale under the scarlet cheeks, which was stark in comparison to the white sheets.  

“Sev… sorry.”

His voice was only just above a whisper now.

Then Matt’s body stiffened, neck muscles taught like bows, eyes rolling around, limbs flailing rapidly almost like a seizure but in a body too weak for the full actions.

Shit.

Severide shouted for help and doctors and nurses flooded the room.

He was stood in the corner, staying out of the way as monitoring equipment went on.

The alarms he’d not missed screeched around the room, echoing off the walls and pierced his soul.

And all he could do was watch, wondering what the hell had happened.

TBC