Archive of Our Own

Aizawa stands at the front of the classroom, eyes bloodshot, wrapped in his capture scarf like it’s a straightjacket keeping him from quitting his job.

“Alright, class,” he mutters, sighing like the words need to be physically forced out of him. “Welcome to sex-ed.”

Katsuki immediately groans. He’s eighteen for crying out loud. He’s pretty sure he understands how to not get someone pregnant by now.

Mineta immediately starts foaming at the mouth at the words, gurgling and groaning, “Boobs… women… puberty…” like some underdeveloped pedophile. Katsuki shoots him a disgusted scowl, fully turning around in his seat to look at him (Izuku is doing the same, to Katsuki's delight). Sero already has him taped to his chair, and Momo looks like she’s considering making a cannon to point at him and threaten him with all class. Katsuki supports both.

Katsuki doesn’t even try to hide the murderous glare he throws Mineta’s way. “Shut the fuck up, you walking lawsuit.”

Izuku nods sagely, sparing Katsuki a glance.

Aizawa doesn’t flinch. He’s been teaching these idiots too long. He clicks the remote with the dead-eyed energy of a man who’s already spiritually clocked out.

The projector screen behind him lights up with a painfully bright PowerPoint slide titled: ‘HORMONES, HYDRATION, and HORMONAL HYDRATION?’

None of them know what that means. Aizawa doesn’t explain it.

“I didn’t make this,” he grunts, sipping his cold coffee like it’s the only thing keeping him from snapping. “Mic did.”

Everyone in the class instantly groans. They know what’s coming,

Aizawa flips to the next slide, and of course, Present Mic embedded his own voice into the slideshow—so out of nowhere, and scaring half the students to death, his voice shouts around the room.

“Let’s talk about consent, baby!” Presentation-Mic shouts from the speakers. Aizawa stares ahead of him and into space like he’d rather be anywhere else. “If it’s not enthusiastic, mutual, and well-communicated, it’s a NO-GO! That means you, Mineta—STOP FOAMING!”

Katsuki’s mildly impressed and also not really at all that Mic was able to predict that. Mineta is actively twitching. Momo is now holding a bazooka.

Aizawa clicks the presentation clicker. Presentation-Mic’s voice screams the header of the next slide, “THE MECHANICS OF INTERCOURSE: A SLIDESHOW WITH SOUND EFFECTS!”

The entire class goes silent and slack jawed.

Then Mineta starts laughing, quietly, disgustingly.

“Mr. Aizawa, please tell the Principal there is no threat.” Momo mutters, voice sharp and dangerous. Katsuki listens to her click something audibly into place in her bazooka. “I’m just doing us a service.”

Aizawa sighs. “Please put the weapon away.” He purses his lips at Mineta, then adds, “Mineta… go to detention.”

Mineta splutters and complains, but Sero is already throwing more tape out at him and throwing him towards the door. The door slams behind Mineta, and everyone ignores his wailing and banging to be let back in. Good riddance.

Katsuki suddenly feels a tap on his shoulder, and he slowly turns around, facing Izuku behind him. He looks a little nervous and a little devious, and Katsuki knows that’s always a killer combo.

Then he says, in a hurried whisper, “Maybe we can figure out why you exploded your dorm in your sleep when you had your first wet dream.”

Katsuki blinks at him. Izuku beams at him, all smug and mischievous.

“I’M GOING TO FUCKING END YOU—”

***

Aizawa has retreated to the corner like a Victorian ghost. His soul left two slides ago. He is staring into space like he’s watching war flashbacks.

Presentation-Mic screams around the classroom, reading off the lines from the slideshow in front of them, “Alright, lovebirds and lone wolves! Time for the interactive portion! You’re all gonna buddy up and act out three different healthy communication scenarios. That means: consent, boundaries, negotiation, and respectful rejection or acceptance! Because if you can’t talk about it, you shouldn’t be doing it!”

Aizawa clicks the next side, titled ‘Partners’. Katsuki’s stomach instantly plummets. His eyes track the list like he’s hunting prey, leaning forward in his seat, nails digging into his desk.

His name is next to Izuku fucking Midoriya. They’re team three. Of course shit ended up this way.

Katsuki stares at the screen like it just personally betrayed him. Which, in a way, it has. Very deeply.

“No,” he says, flatly. “Absolutely not. You can’t make me.”

Katsuki looks at Aizawa, who has yet to move from his crumpled crouch in the corner. The man is hugging his knees like a disgraced philosopher. There is no help coming from that direction. He’s given up. He is one with the linoleum.

Katsuki whips around to Izuku, who is already sweating bullets and fidgeting like he’s preparing for a boss battle.

“This is a mistake,” Katsuki growls, eyes shooting daggers into the nerd behind him. “We are not acting out healthy communication scenarios.”

Izuku nods slowly, then says even slower, “Well… it is the curriculum…”

Katsuki jabs a finger at Izuku, “You,” he points that finger at himself, “and me don’t do healthy communication. We fight, scream our thoughts, then somebody pins somebody and we both get boners and—”

Izuku slaps his hands over Katsuki’s mouth.

“Right!” Izuku laughs awkwardly, pulling away from Katsuki, grabbing the cue cards that Iida had just handed him. “Thanks for sharing with the class, Kacchan.”

Katsuki stares at him with thinly veiled hatred.

Izuku’s eyes almost bug out of his head as he stares down at the cue cards in his hands. “I’m going to die today.”

Before Katsuki can react, the classroom door bursts open, and Present Mic himself hops into the room. “HELLO LISTENERS! I hope I didn’t miss the fun part!”

Katsuki whirls around on him, standing from his desk as he shouts, “Change the partners!”

Present Mic just beams at him. “No can do, little listener.”

“Change this or I'll sue the fucking board of education.” Katsuki hisses venomously. It’s not even an empty threat.

Present Mic hums, then laughs, “Since you seem so eager, why don’t we have you and your partner go first? Come on up to the front of the class, you two!”

Katsuki doesn’t move. He is experiencing every stage of grief simultaneously. Next to him, Izuku is trying to stand but is also visibly weighing whether launching himself out the window would be a less humiliating option.

“Kacchan,” Izuku whispers, eyes huge. “We should just get this over with.”

Katsuki growls low in his throat, like a warning bark, walking up to the front with Izuku at his side. “If you say one word about boundaries I will actually combust and take this whole school with me.”

“You’re making this worse—”

Present Mic is already setting the stage like a game show host. “Scenario One: Discussing personal limits before intimacy! Bakugou, Midoriya, take it away!”

“Intimacy?!” Katsuki roars, rounding on the class. “Who the hell wrote this scenario?! What kind of school are we running here?!”

“I think it’s a theoretical situation,” Iida offers, earnestly. “As future heroes, it’s important we know how to navigate—”

“SHUT UP, GLASSES.”

Mic pats Izuku on the shoulder. Izuku’s fingers tighten around the cue cards in his hands.

Izuku stammers his way through it. “Um… so, I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you lately, and I think I might like you in a more-than-friends way… but before we take things further, I’d like to know what your boundaries are—physically and emotionally.”

Silence.

Katsuki stares at him like he’s grown a second head.

The class is on the edge of their seats. Kaminari is sobbing from laughter. Uraraka has her fists shoved in her mouth to muffle the noises.

“Is this a bit?!” Katsuki demands, eyes flicking to Mic. “Are we being punked?! Are there cameras?!”

“It’s called practice,” Mic says brightly. “Now respond with honest and respectful communication!”

Katsuki turns to Izuku again, jaw clenched so tight you can hear the grind of enamel. He crosses his arms. “My boundaries are: don’t talk to me like that ever again, don’t say you like me unless you’re asking to get decked, and don’t read these cards out loud like it’s a fucking love confession.”

Izuku’s ears are fire-truck red. “I didn’t write it!”

“Yeah, but you read it!”

Aizawa emits a low moan from the corner like a cursed spirit.

“And!” Katsuki keeps going, because of course he does. “If this were real, I’d say I don’t do feelings, I don’t cuddle, and if you try to hold my hand in public I will bite you.”

The class erupts.

Someone (probably Ashido) yells, “That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard!”

Present Mic wipes away a tear. “Beautiful. Now that’s communication!”

“That was a threat?!” Izuku squeaks, taking a step away from Katsuki as his wide eyes flick all around the classroom.

“Exactly,” Mic grins. “See? This is why we practice.”

Katsuki is vibrating with rage. Izuku looks like he wants to fall into the floor and die. Aizawa might actually be dead. Everyone else can go fuck themselves.

“Alright, next card!” Mic calls, and the class cheers with laughter. Katsuki simmers. “Scenario two—setting boundaries during quirk training! Oh, a good one! Communication and safety! Now go on—Midoriya, ask your partner if you can touch his arms to demonstrate a grappling move!”

Izuku slowly flips the card to the next one, swallowing heavily as he reads it. “Oh my God,” he mumbles, face white, before looking up at Katsuki. “I was wondering if I could touch your arm—just for a second—so I can demonstrate this grappling maneuver I saw All Might do?”

Katsuki stares at him like he’s lost every last brain cell. “You wanna touch me.”

“It’s part of the scenario!” Midoriya hisses, face burning. “It’s supposed to be about respectful quirk engagement!”

“You grappled me last week without asking.”

“That was an accident!”

“You choked me out and said ‘for science!’”

“I was testing your reaction time under pressure!”

“I sure as hell didn’t know that while you had your hands wrapped around my throat!”

Katsuki very pointedly ignores Kaminari’s mumbled and amused, “Kinky.”

Present Mic is eating this up, clearly, if his little snicker is anything to go by. “Okay, cool cool cool—now, Bakugou, how would you politely decline if you weren’t comfortable?”

Katsuki glares around the room before he hisses through gritted teeth, “No. Because you don’t know how to keep your damn hands to yourself, and if you touch me again without asking, I’m putting you through a wall. Respectfully.”

Izuku whines quietly, mumbling, “How am I supposed to ask if I can touch you every time I’m going to touch you? We spar every day. We touch every day.”

Katsuki stares at him blankly, then says deadpan, “Don’t surprise-choke-me-out again and we won’t have a problem.”

“Noted.” Izuku says, glancing away with a small sigh.

A few of the idiots spectating laugh and yell out, “No surprise-choke-outs!”

Katsuki’s eye twitches. He is one inappropriate cue card away from leveling the entire prefecture.

Mic claps, saying, “Excellent communication! Look at that! Now, the last scenario—let’s make this one special!”

Both Katsuki and Izuku turn to stare at him, saying together, “What does that mean?”

Mic jumps on stage, gesturing around with wide arms. “What do we do when there’s only one bed? Respectful communication and navigating consent! Let’s act this bad boy out!”

“I’ll kill myself, right here right now.” Katsuki mutters, fingers twitching with barely contained violence.

Mic claps his hands like a kindergarten teacher on a sugar high. “Let’s paint the scene! You two were watching a movie. It got late. Someone offers to let the other stay the night, but there’s only one bed! What do you do?!”

Midoriya’s face is in his hands. “Do we have to actually act it out?”

“Yes!” Mic beams, pumping his fists in the air as he steps back to the side, giving them their fuckass stage back. “Theatrics help the message stick!”

Katsuki shoots a glare at Mic, the kind of look that could melt stone. “I’m going to destroy this class.”

Izuku doesn’t even argue this time. He just shoots a look to the side and mutters, “Yeah, I get the sentiment.” Then he adds, a bit exasperated, “And why is it always one bed? Why can there never be a couch? A blanket on the floor?”

“Beats me.” Katsuki grumbles.

“Okay, boys, let’s get to acting!” Mic calls, and the rest of the class cheers, most of them bent over from laughter.

Izuku nervously clears his throat. “Kacchan, would you—would you be okay with… sharing the bed?”

Katsuki makes a noise like he’s choking on his own rage. “I don’t care. Just don’t touch me.” Katsuki groans loudly, “God, this is so fucking stupid!”

Izuku visibly tenses. “Okay… but, uh, just so we’re clear… what if I… accidentally roll onto you in the night?”

Katsuki glares at him with the intensity of someone who’s about to flip a table. “What if I set myself on fire right here and never wake up again?!”

Mic steps in, beaming. “And that’s what we call overcoming a boundary! Well done! Excellent work, you two!”

The class cheers and claps for them as they trudge back to their seats, and Katsuki almost loses it when Mina flips her phone to face him… and shows him that she took a video of the whole thing.

Katsuki slams his head against his desk the minute he sits down.

***

Katsuki walks into class the next day and immediately turns around.

“No way, bro!” Kirishima yells, grabbing him by the back of his blazer and dragging him inside, kicking and screaming and all. “If we all have to sit through this then you have to as well!”

Katsuki glances over at the projector as he’s dragged to his seat, reading the ‘SEXUAL HEALTH MYTHS GAME SHOW’ plastered across the screen.

“Who the fuck designed this curriculum?!” Katsuki screams, throwing himself into his seat as Mic charges into the classroom. Aizawa is absent today. Lucky fucker.

“Alright, class! Welcome to the SEXUAL HEALTH MYTHS GAME SHOW!” he shouts, arms flung out in dramatic flair. “Two teams, a few wild questions, and a whole lot of awkwardness!” 

Katsuki thinks this is the dumbest idea ever. He’s going to blow up before the end of the year.

Mic claps his hands together and spins around to face the class. “Okay, let’s get started! First up, Team A: Midoriya and Bakugou, you’re up against Team B: Uraraka and Todoroki, are you ready?”

Katsuki groans loudly, throwing his head back. Izuku gives some affirmative, and Katsuki groans again.

“Alright!” Mic cheers. “First question! True or False: does drinking milk prevent pregnancy?”

Izuku raises his hand immediately, his quirked brow giving the answer away before he even opens his mouth. “Um, that’s false. Milk does not prevent pregnancy.”

Mic gives a dramatic gasp, as if this was the most shocking thing he’d ever heard. “Correct, Midoriya! Good job! This myth has been circulating for years, but unfortunately for all the dairy lovers, it’s a no-go!”

Bakugo rolls his eyes, almost glaring at the board. “Who the hell believes that?!”

“Oh, you’d be surprised,” Mic says with a wink, before turning to the next question. “Alright, True or False: the ‘pull-out’ method is a viable form of contraception!”

Katsuki doesn’t even get a chance to think about it, because Uraraka is shooting up from her seat and shrieking, “No! What the hell?! NO!”

The rest of the girls in the class all groan and shake their heads, faces pale. Katsuki just huffs and settles deeper into his seat.

Mic laughs loudly, saying, “Love the passion, and that’s right! Pulling out is a hard no! Next question, True or False: wearing two condoms is better than one?”

Katsuki scowls and throws his head into his hands. The room is silent, before Izuku raises his hand. “False, I think.”

“Right on!” Mic yells, making some fuckass air guitar motions. “Two condoms increases the risk of friction and breakage! True or False: the prostate is a male-only gland?”

“True.” Katsuki snaps, grumbling in his seat. He doesn’t bother to raise his hand. He’s only answering so his team can win this fucking game show (sometimes he hates his competitive nature).

Kaminari snickers near him, teasing and saying, “You sure answered that quick. You got hands-on experience with the prostate, Blasty?”

Katsuki whirls around on him. “I’ll shove a sharp stick into your prostate if you don’t shut—“

“O-kay!” Mic sings, clapping loudly and cutting him off. “True, women have Skene’s glands! Similar, but not the same! Now, True or False: toilet seats carry STDs?”

The class collectively ‘ew’s’.

Katsuki’s eye twitches as he glares at the screen. “Who the hell even comes up with this shit?!” 

“Are you going to answer or are you just going to keep complaining?” Izuku whispers to him, trying to keep his voice light.

“Shut up, Izuku,” Katsuki mutters, but begrudgingly shouts, “False. I’m not gonna get an STD from sitting on a damn toilet.”

Mic grins wildly and gives an over-the-top thumbs-up. “Correct, Bakugou! Toilet seats are not a major STD hotspot. That’s a myth!”

Katsuki slams his hands onto the desk. This entire class is nonsense. His entire life is nonsense. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Alright, moving on!” Mic says, moving to the next question, clearly thriving on the chaos. “True or False: you can’t get pregnant during your period!”

Izuku’s hand shoots up before anyone else can say anything, his face red from embarrassment. “Uh, that’s false. You can still get pregnant during your period.”

“Right again, Midoriya! It’s unlikely, but it’s possible!” Mic cheers like he’s hosting the most exciting game show of the century and not torturing his students.

Katsuki slouches even further in his seat, feeling like he’s about to combust. “Seriously, who’s fucking stupid enough to believe this shit? I’m concerned for fuckin’ society.”

Kirishima leans over to him, chuckling. “Come on, man, it’s not that bad. It’s good to know these things, you know?”

“I don’t care about knowing how to not knock someone up. I just want this to end.” Katsuki grumbles.

“I have a slur I could call you,” Kaminari snickers, face twisted up in a shit-eating grin. “And it starts with F—“

Katsuki scowls at him, yelling, “Right back at you, twink-ass bitch!”

Mic claps his hands rapidly, barely containing his laughter. “Language! Let’s keep it respectful, folks—or at least PG-13!”

“PG-13?!” Mina cackles from the back. “Mic, my dude, we’re talking about condoms and pregnancy, the rating went out the window five questions ago!”

“Okay, okay, okay!” Mic waves his hands like he’s trying to physically swat the chaos away. “Next round is a lightning round! First team to buzz in gets the point!”

Katsuki blinks. “Buzz in with what?”

Mic grins way too wide. “Your voice! Just yell your team name!” 

“I hate this school,” Katsuki mutters.

“Team B! That’s Uraraka and Todoroki! Team A is Midoriya and Bakugou!” Mic shouts, then immediately spins back to the screen. “Lightning round question one: True or False—You can get pregnant from swimming in the same pool as someone who’s ejaculated!”

“TEAM A!” Izuku screams before Katsuki can stop him. “False!” he blurts, all breath and panic and secondhand shame.

“Correct!” Mic hollers, slamming his hand down on an invisible buzzer. “Sperm can’t survive the chlorine, folks! Not unless it’s got a quirk—and if it does, we’ve got bigger problems!”

Todoroki raises a hand slowly, staring at the screen like he’s just witnessed a murder. “Wait… people actually believe that?”

“Apparently enough for this to be a whole slide,” Mic replies solemnly, clicking to the next question with a little jazz hands flair. “True or False—can you get an STD from kissing?”

“Team B,” Todoroki says, monotone but loud enough to count. “True,” he adds.

Mic gives him a full-on jazz hands spin. “Bingo! Certain STDs like herpes can be transmitted via mouth-to-mouth contact. You get a gold star, Todoroki!”

Todoroki nods once, like he’s just been knighted.

Katsuki is slowly lowering himself until only his eyes are visible over the desk. “I feel like I’m dying. Slowly. Painfully. Surrounded by idiots.”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Izuku whispers behind him. “You’re doing great.”

“I will punch you in the esophagus.” Katsuki grumbles back.

“Alright!” Mic says with a grin too wide to be legally allowed. “Final question of the game—True or False: sex can break your penis!”

The room goes dead silent.

Then—

“TEAM A!” Katsuki shouts, because if anyone was going to win this game out of sheer spite, it was going to be him. “TRUE. YOU CAN FRACTURE A DICK.”

Mina gasps. Sero screams. Kaminari clutches his own crotch like it’s a personal attack.

Mic throws both hands in the air. “THAT’S RIGHT! Ding-ding-ding! It’s rare, but it can happen! And that wraps our Sexual Health Myth Game Show with Team A and B!”

“Finally,” Katsuki groans, sliding all the way down in his seat like he’s about to sink through the floor and vanish from the mortal plane.

Katsuki stays in that position as he listens to the rest of the teams go through the same hell he was just subjected to. Eventually, and to his utmost joy, the bell rings.

“Wait!” Mic yells, throwing his arms out. “Before we go, pop quiz tomorrow on all the facts we learned today!”

The groan from the class is visceral.

Katsuki covers his face with both hands. “I’m dropping out.”

Izuku pats his back. “You say that every week.”

“And one of these weeks, I will.” Katsuki grumbles, shooting Izuku a heavy glare. “I need a drink.”

Izuku stares at him with genuine concern. “That… we just went over how milk doesn’t stop pregnancy.”

Katsuki stares at him blankly for all of five seconds. “I’m not even going to respond to that.”

Izuku covers his mouth to hide his cackles.

***

Katsuki is just trying to have a peaceful evening studying in his dorm common room when every single fucker he’s associated with in the past three years decides to make his life more of a living hell.

It all starts when Kaminari says, “We should make studying fun.”

Everyone immediately regrets being in the same room as him.

“I mean,” Kaminari says, grinning like a goblin, “we could just go over the sex-ex packet like boring nerds… or we could make it a game!”

Mina lights up. “Oh my God, are you suggesting—”

“Truth or Dare: Sex-Ed Edition,” he confirms, pulling the packet out like a cursed artifact. “I can start.”

Katsuki’s already heading for the door.

“Wait!” Kirishima grabs him. “Come on, man. It’ll be good for all of us! Team bonding and shit!”

“I’m not bonding with anyone,” Katsuki growls. “Especially not with a bunch of weirdos yelling about condoms and lubricated souls.”

“Souls?” Sero repeats.

“Yeah, that was real specific,” Mina adds. “Do you need to talk—?”

“Let’s just start!” Kaminari interrupts. “Okay, first dare, Midoriya, demonstrate how to put on a condom using this!” He pulls a banana out of his bag like it’s a weapon, then adds, “While maintaining eye contact with Bakugou.”

Izuku turns red so fast it’s a medical emergency. “What—why do I have to make eye contact—?”

“I WILL EXPLODE.” Katsuki yells, grabbing a pillow and throwing it across the room. “I will explode this entire dorm and everyone in it!”

Mina claps. “That’s a yes! Okay, go, Midoriya!”

Izuku, the brave little soldier, takes the banana. His hands are shaking. Very badly. He peels open the condom like he’s defusing a bomb. Katsuki is glaring at him like he is the bomb.

Everyone is silent.

Except for Kaminari, who hums the Jeopardy theme.

“… and now just—there,” Izuku mumbles, sliding the condom down and immediately losing all strength in his soul. He fans his red cheeks with his hand, sighing dejectedly. “Done, Kacchan.”

Katsuki looks like he’s seen God and God was disappointed.

He mumbles under his breath, staring at the banana like it was the one that gave him all his trauma in his life and not life-threatening villains, “I need to become religious.”

“Cool, Blasty,” Mina says cheekily, writing something in a notebook. “Deku’s got very unsteady hands.”

Izuku immediately straightens up, saying defensively, “That’s because I was staring Kacchan down—!"

Mina cuts him off with a wave of her hand. “Sure, sure. Save the gay panic for your room. It’s your turn to dare someone!”

Izuku blinks. He glances around the room. His eyes fall on Katsuki like he’s his old favourite Mario Kart skin. “Um, okay… Kacchan?”

“No.”

“Truth or dare?”

“Fuck off.”

“Truth it is!” Mina decides for him. “What’s the weirdest sexual thing you’ve ever googled?”

Katsuki stares into the void. The void stares back. He can’t believe this is his life nowadays.

“… Is ‘can All Might power his dick with his quirk’ weird?” he mutters.

“WHAT?!” Iida shrieks.

“Oh my God,” Kaminari howls. “I kind of need to know—Midoriya, please hit All Might up!”

“No?!” Izuku squeaks, reeling away from everyone with wide, terrified eyes. “Kacchan, what the hell?!”

Katsuki just sighs heavily, resigning to his fate. “He always looks hard in his muscled form. I wondered if he could like… Texas Smash someone but with his dick. I don’t fucking know.”

Kirishima opens and closes his mouth, then says quietly, “Bro, you’re so right. He does.”

Izuku just gasps, eyes narrowing at Katsuki. “Kacchan—why are you—“

“I was curious! How could I not notice?! How did you not notice?!” Katsuki snaps, interrupting him with wide eyes. “I Googled that shit in like, middle school!”

Izuku looks even more shocked and baffled at that.

“Oh my God,” Mina says, writing faster. “That’s going in the yearbook.”

Katsuki whips around on her, screeching, “No it’s fucking not!”

“Bakubro, it's your turn!” Kirishima yells, nudging Katsuki with his elbow.

Katsuki groans, scanning the room for his victim. He immediately zeroes in on Kaminari, the idiot that started this entire shitshow, and grins. “Dunce face, truth or dare?”

“Dare,” Kaminari says, finger-gunning at Katsuki with all the confidence of a man who wants to die.

Katsuki narrows his eyes. “Fine. I dare you to call Recovery Girl and ask if getting your dick stuck in a zipper counts as a medical emergency.”

Kaminari doesn’t hesitate.

Everyone hears Recovery Girl answer. There’s a beat of silence.

Then she says, so tiredly it sounds like the question took the rest of her years off her life, “Not again.”

Katsuki laughs so hard he falls off the couch. Izuku tries to catch him, but he’s laughing too, so he ends up falling off and landing on top of Katsuki.

Silence.

“Ow,” Katsuki groans, because Izuku’s bony-ass knee is currently jabbing into his spleen.

“Oh my God—I’m so sorry!” Izuku immediately rolls off, hands flailing as he tries to simultaneously help Katsuki up and apologize for existing. The apology doesn't land as hard because he's still snickering. “I didn’t mean to fall! You were just—laughing and then—gravity—!”

“Shut up, nerd,” Katsuki wheezes, grinning. “You just wanted to land on me.”

“I did not!” Izuku shrieks, somehow turning redder.

“Gay,” Mina coughs into her hand.

“Super gay,” Sero agrees, sipping from a juice box like he’s watching a soap opera.

Katsuki levels them with a blank look. “Newsflash, we are gay.”

“Not for each other!” Izuku scrambles, shouting just a bit too loud. “… Kinda?”

Katsuki drags his blank look over to Izuku. “I jerked you off last—“ Izuku slaps his hands over Katsuki’s mouth. “MMPH?!”

“That’s cold, Midoriya,” Kaminari says, grinning and failing at fighting it down. “Not even acknowledging the intense gay love you have for each other.”

“It’s not that—“ Izuku tries to defend himself, voice high and squeaky, face tomato red. “We’re—I mean—“

“Boyfriends-but-not-boyfriends because you’re both too emotionally constipated to be normal.” Mina drawls, reciting their relationship dynamic like a bad piece of poetry, rolling her eyes. “Or maybe that’s just Bakugou.”

Katsuki scowls at her and kicks his leg at her, hitting her in the shin.

Kirishima’s face falls, paling just a bit. “Speaking of your intense gay love, Midoriya, the next time you rail my wall-mate please gag him.”

Mina and Kaminari splutter laughter, leaning against each other and clutching their stomachs.

Katsuki doesn’t even have the strength to fight that. He’s also apologized to Kirishima enough times to know the guy is being deadly serious. “Kinky. I’d try it.”

“Kacchan, please. Talk about this later. Please.”

“Can Blackwhip do that?”

“… In theory, yes—“

“—Okay! Me next!” Uraraka shouts, clapping to cut all conversation about Katsuki and Izuku’s sex life off. “Dare me!”

“Someone make it unhinged,” Jirou says, her feet up on the table like this is exactly the mental break she signed up for. “We’ve got momentum, people.”

“Alright, Uraraka,” Kaminari says, waggling his eyebrows like a creep. “I dare you to—float someone into the ceiling if they moan your name.”

Everyone’s head turns toward Todoroki.

Todoroki, calmly sipping tea, says, “I am not participating in this.”

“Yet,” Mina mutters ominously.

Uraraka squints. “Wait, so like, consensual moaning or like I just pick someone and make them moan—?”

“I think the real question is,” Mina interrupts, “who in this room is gonna pretend to be that down bad for you?”

Katsuki opens his mouth to tell them all to go to hell.

Only to be interrupted by fucking Hanta Sero, who suddenly flops back dramatically on the couch and moans, “Ohh, Uraraka…” like he’s in a bad porno.

Everyone screams.

“Absolutely not,” Iida yells, physically dragging Sero back upright. “That is not appropriate conduct for an educational environment!”

“This isn’t educational anymore,” Jirou mutters, clutching her nonexistent pearls. “This is a hostage situation.”

“I can’t believe I just heard Sero fake an orgasm with my name in it,” Uraraka mumbles, wide-eyed.

“I can,” Mina says, patting her back. “And honestly? He committed.”

Sero flashes a thumbs up. “Always.”

True to her dare, a second after he says that, Sero is floating into the air.

Katsuki’s gripping his stomach from laughing. “You guys are so fucking broken.”

“You love us,” Kirishima says with a wink.

“I tolerate you,” Katsuki mutters, rolling his eyes with a grin.

“Do you love me?” Izuku says cheekily, grinning and giggling like a little shit.

Katsuki narrows his eyes at him, then scoffs with pink cheeks, throwing himself back up on the couch. “It depends on the day.”

Izuku crawls back up on the couch next to him, nodding quickly with a small grin. “I’ll take it.”

The chaos continues. Someone dares Shoto to read a safe-sex PSA like he’s narrating a murder podcast. Hakegure gets asked if her partners always miss her lips. (They do. She decided she had to clarify that they always miss ‘both’ lips.) Jirou refuses every dare and just threatens people with her earjacks. Tsuyu calmly explains the reproductive process of amphibians until everyone begs her to stop.

Unfortunately, it ends when Aizawa walks in, sees the banana, the condoms, Iida screaming about unhygienic dick-washing, and Katsuki and Izuku back on the floor cackling, and just turns around and walks back out.

No one sees him again for two days. Present Mic says he went on a mental health leave.

***

Katsuki was just glad this sex-ed bullshit was going to end today. That’s why he didn’t immediately try to run out of the classroom when he saw the title of the slideshow for today.

It reads, ‘TAKING CARE OF BABIES, FOR BABIES!’

The font was Comic Sans. The background was pastel yellow. There were sparkles. Sparkles.

Katsuki’s eye twitches. Yeah, scratch that. He’s out of here.

“Absolutely the fuck not,” he mutters, halfway out of his seat already.

“Sit down, Bakugou,” Aizawa says, not even looking up from his sleeping bag. “This is happening.”

“But—”

“You can’t punch yourself out of this one.”

“… Can I punch you?” Katsuki grumbles under his breath, fists tightening over his lap.

“No.” Aizawa replies blankly, almost strained. He sighs so heavily his organs could have been barfed up. “You’ll be parents by the end of this period. Suffer together.”

The class erupts into chaos.

“What do you mean we’re going to be parents?!” Kaminari shouts, already halfway to the window like he could escape this fate if he moved fast enough.

“Oh my God,” Mina whispers in awe. “Are we doing the robot baby project? Like, the one that cries and pees and can die?”

“I DON’T WANT TO BE A TEEN DAD!” Kaminari wails.

Aizawa sighs like he aged ten years in one breath. “Yes, it’s the robot baby project. Yes, you will be graded. You will have it for the entire weekend, I’ll be collecting them first period Monday. Each baby is set on a randomized difficulty.” He pauses, then adds, “No, you may not throw it out the window.”

All heads turn to Katsuki.

“What?!” he snaps, aghast. “I didn’t even say anything yet!”

“You’re totally the only dude here who would launch their baby into orbit,” Sero says, giving him the most dirty deadpan stare he could muster.

“I wasn’t going to—until you all gave me the idea!” Katsuki shouts, throwing his arms into the air frustratedly.

“Pairings will be random,” Aizawa drones, holding up a paper. “I don’t care who you get. This is about learning responsibility, consequences, and why condoms are your new best friend.”

Sero raises his hand. “Is it too late to say I’m abstinent?”

“Yes.”

Sero lowers his hand.

Aizawa clears his throat, then starts reading names.

“Jirou and Kaminari.”

“Oh God,” Jirou mutters, throwing her face into her hands. “I would never let that idiotic, dumb, nightmare of a man have a child with me. Never.”

“Aw, we’re gonna make such a cool baby,” Kaminari grins, clearly ignoring Jirou’s ranting. “We’ll name it Volt Jr.”

“No, we won’t.” Jirou says, so strained Katsuki wonders if she’s already crying.

“Kirishima and Sero.”

“Bro dads!” Kirishima bellows, slapping Sero’s back hard enough to knock the soul out of him. Sero just wheezes and falls forward onto his desk.

“Uraraka and Yaoyorozu.”

“Oh my god, our baby’s going to be beautiful and financially supported,” Uraraka whispers, wiping a fake tear.

“Our baby got all their looks from you, dear.” Yayorozu says, smiling sweetly. Uraraka throws her hands onto her cheeks and squeals happily.

“Mina and Iida.”

“Oh no, my baby’s going to turn into a UA rule book,” Mina says wistfully, clutching at her heart.

Iida shoots straight up, cutting a hand through the air as he yells, “I promise to be a very responsible, present father for you and our child, Mina!”

Mina slumps into her desk and groans.

“Shinsou and Ojiro.”

“Cool,” Shinsou yawns. Ojiro just nods.

Aizawa keeps throwing out names, keeps listing people off, until finally—

“And—” Aizawa says, raising his voice slightly over the noise, “Midoriya and Bakugou.”

The room goes silent.

Katsuki blinks once. Slowly. Then turns to Izuku with the exact expression of someone being told he was legally married to a traffic cone.

Izuku blinks back. “I—um—I’m sure we’ll be good co-parents?”

Katsuki stands, his chair scratching across the ground. “I’m going to get re-kidnapped by the League. Someone give me the hand-man’s contact.”

“No you’re not,” Aizawa mutters, already handing them their robot infants. “You’re going to parenting hell. Not much of a difference there, though.”

The robot baby—fresh from the support department, bald plastic head gleaming with cursed energy—is placed gently into Izuku’s arms.

It immediately starts screaming.

Immediately.

“Why is it so realistic?!” Izuku shrieks, jostling it gently. Dear God, it is realistic. Katsuki feels like he just walked into a daycare. “Oh god— Kacchan, it’s broken!”

Katsuki glares at the thing like it owes him money. He stretches his arms out, making grabby hands towards Izuku. “Give it to me.”

“You can’t just explode—!”

“I said give it.”

He snatches it from Izuku, cradling it with all the tenderness of a raccoon holding a Molotov cocktail, and growls, “What the fuck do you want, you shitty brat?! I’ll fucking tape your goddamn mouth—er, speakers shut!”

Sero mumbles off to the side, cheekily and amusedly, “Uh oh, the cycle of abuse continues.”

Katsuki glares at him. The baby screams louder.

Uraraka flinches from across the room. She stares down at the baby cocooned in her arms, and coos, “Ours hasn’t even made a sound yet!”

Yayorozu pats her shoulder like a proud, supportive wife.

“Ours is haunted...” Kaminari mumbles, voice shaking in fear. When Katsuki looks over, his robot baby’s head is spinning around in clean circles on its neck. Jirou stares at it with thinly veiled horror. Yeesh.

Katsuki huffs and looks back down into his arms, stares into the soulless eyes of his plastic child, then at Izuku. “It’s crying because it’s yours.”

“That doesn’t even make sense!”

“It knows you’re a loser.”

“Kacchan!”

“YOU’RE MAKING IT WORSE!”

“You’re yelling at a baby!”

“IT’S NOT A REAL BABY, IT’S A NIGHTMARE WITH BATTERIES!”

Kirishima and Sero’s baby was currently being used in an overhead throw demonstration. It was not screaming. Unlike Katsuki’s baby.

“I’m so glad we’re learning valuable lessons about safe sex,” Kaminari says, gently placing his haunted-baby in a desk and then immediately high-fiving Jirou.

Izuku takes a deep breath and gently reaches for the screaming infant. “Okay. I’m taking care of this. You—you go sit down and try not to yell at the baby again.”

Katsuki’s eye twitches. “It started it.”

Izuku raises an eyebrow at him. “Kacchan. It’s literally plastic.”

“So are people on TV and I yell at them too.” Katsuki huffs, throwing his hands on his hips.

“I’m beginning to worry about our child,” Izuku mutters solemnly, rocking the fake baby in his arms.

The baby wails on.

Aizawa closes the classroom door. From the outside.

They were alone.

In hell.

Together.

***

Katsuki has already been kicked out of every class period of the day (with Izuku and that damn robot baby) because the thing won’t shut up .

Why the hell does he have to lug that piece of plastic around with him to every class? How the hell is he supposed to get work done with it screaming down his neck? How is he supposed to stay sane?

He was kicked out of second period Algebra by Midnight after his robot baby shit itself (it steamed, why did it have steam), then made a robotic ‘uhhhh’ tears-gearing-up noise, and promptly projectile fake-vomited on his math textbook.

Present Mic kicked him out of his third period English when the baby interrupted his dramatic reading of The Great Gatsby by screaming bloody murder every time ‘old sport’ was said.

“Little listener,” Present Mic says, pulling down his sunglasses. “Is your baby allergic to literature?”

“No,” Katsuki snarls, prying the screaming bundle from out of his desk, “he’s just allergic to me having a will to live.”

Fourth period was worse. Aizawa didn’t even look up from his sleeping bag when Katsuki entered. He just held up a hand, pointed to the door, and muttered, “Out.”

“I just walked in!” Katsuki yells, aghast, arms already twitching as the baby begins to gurgle in his hands like it was loading up another internal software update for emotional destruction.

“Out,” Aizawa repeats, louder this time. “Take your—” he opened one tired eye to glare at the mechanical demon child, “—spawn with you.”

“YOU GAVE ME THIS THING!”

Now it’s lunch. The entirety of class 3-A was kicked out of the cafeteria after some idiots (Uraraka, Mina, Kaminari and Sero) started a food war because somebody disrespected each other's evil children.

Now here they all were. Outside, sitting on the ground like a group of young PTA moms attending a naturalistic yoga class.

Katsuki was propped up against a tree with his robot baby in his lap. It’s screaming. Eardrum-shattering, earthquake-starting screeching.

Katsuki is staring at nothing. A thousand-yard stare. War flashbacks, maybe. Or just the sound of his dignity dying in real time.

The robot baby has been screeching for seventeen consecutive minutes. Izuku timed it. They’ve already tried every single tactic they could to stop the baby from crying. Feeding it, changing it, rocking it, trying to get it to nap, shaking it, hitting it across the head, begging it to stop—nothing worked.

Izuku slides down next to him with a sigh so tired and disgruntled that Katsuki thinks he’s nailing this whole dad with a fussy baby act.

“Here,” Izuku mumbles, holding a juice box out to him. “Apple juice.”

“I feel like a soccer mom. What’s next, veggies and dip?” Katsuki grumbles, snatching the juice box from him.

Izuku pulls a small Tupperware container out of his backpack.

“… Ranch and baby carrots,” he says solemnly.

Katsuki blinks at him.

“I hate you,” he mutters, sticking the straw into the juice box like he’s being personally insulted by fruit.

“Love you too,” Izuku replies, dead inside.

Their baby screams an octave higher.

Across the lawn, Kaminari has been working with Sero to try and tape his haunted-baby’s 360 spinning head still, to no avail. Jirou is passed out on the ground next to them.

Iida is walking by with a stroller that Yayorozu definitely made, humming the UA school anthem under his breath while a math textbook is propped open on the baby’s lap, presumably so it can read it.

Todoroki has tucked himself into a corner, staring at his baby in front of him. The unfortunate little thing got a face-full of some strawberry jam—and even more unfortunately, it landed over its one eye, mimicking Todoroki’s scar. Katsuki has heard him mumbling about how he’s a terrible father for the past half hour.

The chaos of lunchtime parenting hell swirls around them, a landscape of broken spirits and banana-yogurt stained school uniforms. A baby off to the side lets out a mechanical “Goo-goo-ga-ga.”

Nobody reacts anymore.

Katsuki closes his eyes. Takes a long sip from his juice box like it’s whiskey and he’s a war-weary soldier in a diner scene. The robot baby chooses this exact moment to grab a fistful of his hair and yank.

“I SWEAR TO GOD,” he snarls, grabbing the baby and holding it at arm’s length like it’s a cursed artifact. “This thing is asking for it!”

“Maybe it’s hungry again?” Izuku offers weakly.

“We fed it thirty-seven minutes ago.”

“Well, what if it has—like—robo-colic or something?”

“Robo-what?”

“You know… robot colic. Baby hell. But like… in binary.”

Katsuki blinks at him. “I’m going to snap and it’s going to be your fault.”

“Valid,” Izuku says, and pops a ranch covered carrot into his mouth.

Somewhere across the field, Mineta’s baby begins levitating.

Everyone goes quiet. Even Katsuki’s baby pauses to witness this unholy event.

“Uh,” Mina says. “Is it supposed to do that?”

“No,” says Ojiro. “No, it is not.”

The baby starts spinning slowly in the air, eyes glinting in the sun.

Kaminari drops his juice. “It’s evolving.”

“It’s ascending,” mutters Sero, awestruck.

Iida bolts across the lawn with his arms pumping. “STUDENTS, REMAIN CALM!” he yells. “I’LL CONTAIN IT!”

Katsuki just closes his eyes. Breathes in and out a few times like he’s practicing box breathing. He listens to Uraraka yell out an apology. She made the thing float on accident.

Katsuki slowly lowers his head into his hands, muffled voice cracking out, “This is a punishment. I died in a past life and now I’m here. Babysitting Satan’s Alexa.”

Izuku pats his shoulder, his juice box now empty. “Payback for middle school.”

Katsuki slaps him across the face. Izuku cradles his cheek and groans.

The robot baby lets out a BLARP, stiffens, and then goes totally still.

They stare at it.

“Did it just… self-destruct?” Izuku asks.

“No,” Katsuki says, lifting it and narrowing his eyes. “It just shit itself again. The steam’s back.”

Izuku stands, groaning as his back pops like a man twice his age. Katsuki clutches the now-hissing robot baby like it’s a leaking bag of trash. Izuku mumbles tiredly, “Okay, I’ll get the oven mitts and dog-poop bags…”

Katsuki wishes he actually died in that war.

***

All Might looks across the class as they all stand dressed up in their hero costumes with robot babies hanging off them in some way shape or form and coughs.

“Well, this is good! It’s important to know how to handle infants while—“

“Save it.” Katsuki snaps, voice so low and hoarse he sounds a step away from death's doorstep. “Just don’t.”

All Might’s smile falters for the first time in recorded history.

He looks down at Katsuki, who has dark circles under his eyes, a stain on his gauntlet that looks suspiciously like fake vomit, his arm outstretched and holding one of his fake baby’s arms—with Izuku holding the other one, hanging it in the air between them. Izuku has a limp in his step.

“I—uh—young Midoriya, young Bakugou,” All Might says, striking a pose that doesn’t match the tension in the air. “Parenting is a plus ultra responsibility!”

“You try going Plus Ultra with this thing screaming every time someone breathes too loud,” Izuku mumbles, eyes glassy. “It started crying when I opened a granola bar, All Might.”

“Mine cried when I blinked,” Todoroki mutters from the side, one eye twitching. His baby spits jam in his face, somehow.

All Might clears his throat, valiantly trying to stick to the lesson plan. “Now then! Today’s training exercise will simulate combat scenarios while protecting your—uh—” He looks at the baby hanging upside down from Sero’s shoulder. “—children.”

“Mine bit me,” Kaminari announces proudly, holding up a finger with little plastic teeth marks.

“I think mine’s unionizing,” Uraraka deadpans, as her baby makes clicking sounds that sound a bit too suspicious to be normal.

All Might hesitates again. “In a real-world emergency, you never know when you might have to fight villains and also protect civilians or young ones in danger—”

“Say ‘young ones’ again and I swear I will unleash this baby on you,” Katsuki threatens, holding it up like a small war crime. “It’s got steam vents. Steam vents, All Might.”

Mina’s baby is wearing sunglasses now. No one gave them to it. It just has them.

“The rules,” All Might presses on, “are simple! In pairs, you must reach the rescue point across the field while keeping your baby safe. No dropping, losing, incinerating, freezing, or… trading. Any failure to keep your baby safe will deduct points!”

“What if it tries to sacrifice me?” Kaminari shouts, jumping up and down.

“It’s a valuable bonding opportunity!” All Might beams, completely ignoring him. “Alright, Midoriya and Bakugou, why don’t you two go first?”

Katsuki and Izuku both groan.

The whistle blows.

Katsuki throws the baby at Izuku, yelling, “Strap the thing to you using Blackwhip, I’ll take out anything in front!”

Then he's gone, launching himself forward with an explosion that shakes the ground beneath them. The baby swings like an over-caffeinated wrecking ball, its fake wails mixing with the sound of Katsuki’s boots pounding against the dirt.

Izuku stumbles behind, trying to keep his baby securely attached to his back while using his other hand to try and shield his eyes from the dust. “Wait, Kacchan, we should stay together!”

The baby, still hooked up to Izuku’s back, lets out a chilling wail that’s so loud it makes everyone on the sidelines wince.

“Great,” Katsuki mutters, his jaw clenched as he hears the mechanical shrieks and the unsettling sound of gears grinding in the baby’s malfunctioning programming. “I’m about to go deaf. Just keep up.”

“I’m trying, but I’m not you!” Izuku huffs, his leg still twitching from where he pulled a muscle earlier in the day trying to catch the robot baby that Katsuki had launched out the window. “I can’t move that fast with a baby on my back! What’s your plan, just blow everything up until you get to the finish line?”

Katsuki, still charging ahead, doesn’t slow down, blowing up any little dummy fighters that come in front of him. “Exactly. Plan’s called ‘blow stuff up until I get what I want.'” He cackles a little too loudly. “Now move it, Izuku. I swear to God, if I end up losing this dumb-ass challenge because of you—”

Before Izuku can respond, there’s a pop of air from the baby strapped to his back.

They both freeze. The baby starts making loud mechanical clacking noises.

“Kacchan…” Izuku mumbles, face white as he tries to look at the baby over his shoulder. “Kacchan, what’s happening?”

Katsuki blows up a dummy, growling as he jumps to the side to look at the baby behind Izuku’s back, and then promptly freezes in place.

“Holy fuck.” Katsuki breathes, stepping away. “IZUKU, DITCH THE BABY. SOMEONE CALL A BOMB SQUAD!”

Izuku lets out an inhuman shriek, yelling, “WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!”

Katsuki watches as both of the baby’s stubby, plastic feet open up, shiny metal sticking out. Katsuki takes more steps back.

And then—

Izuku gasps as he’s shocked forward, a loud, glass-shattering BOOM echoing around the training grounds. Smoke fills everyone’s vision, and they both cough, fanning it away from their faces.

Katsuki and Izuku stare at each other.

The smoke clears.

The baby lets out a robotic giggle.

“THE BABY SHOT A FUCKING EXPLOSION!” Katsuki screams, gesturing violently towards Izuku and the baby strapped to his back.

It’s silent after that for a few seconds.

Izuku blinks. He covers his mouth, eyes crinkling as he wheezes and fails to stop his laughter, “Kacchan, our child manifested his quirk. You two—“ he wheezes extra hard, “have the same quirk.”

“THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!” Katsuki roars, narrowing his eyes at the fake baby. “It’s a robot! It doesn’t have a quirk!”

The baby sets off another smaller explosion from the opening in its feet in response.

Katsuki’s eye twitches, his face slowly turns an impressive shade of angry red. “This little bitch—”

“Okay!” Izuku says, still snickering through his words, half-gasping for air. He grabs Katsuki’s forearm, dragging him through the rest of the arena. “Let’s just finish this exercise, okay?”

“I’m not raising a bomb baby! I’m done with this!” Katsuki yells, throwing his arm behind him and gripping Izuku’s arm. His pure hatred for this entire day fuels an explosion strong enough to send them all into the air and shooting through the sky.

Izuku doesn’t even get to protest (he’s too busy screaming like a little bitch) before Katsuki slams into the inflatable rescue point, and the robotic baby lets out a final giggle, only to short-circuit in a puff of smoke.

All Might, now very much shaken, claps with a forced grin. “Well done, Bakugou, Midoriya! I… uh, I see you made it through the exercise, even if there were some... unexpected developments.”

Katsuki stares deadpan at the man, steam practically coming out of his ears. “I’ll make sure you regret this. This isn’t part of hero training, this is torture.”

Izuku, still catching his breath, adds with a grin, “I think you two are so cute. Like father like son—”

“SHUT YOUR MOUTH!” Katsuki screeches, cutting him off mid-sentence.

The class stands in stunned silence for a moment before Kaminari bursts into laughter. “Dude, Bakugou’s kid kinda does look like him, doesn’t he?”

“Did you see the explosion?” Jiro adds, incredulous. “That baby almost took out the whole field!”

Mina giggles. “I think we just witnessed a new level of parenting trauma.”

And for the first time, even All Might is struggling to keep his composure, a single laugh escaping him before he clears his throat awkwardly. “Well, uh, great job, team! Now—uh—let’s move on to the next group, shall we?”

Katsuki turns to Izuku, his hair standing on end, his fists clenched at his sides. “I swear to God, Izuku, I am never having kids. I’m not having exploding kids. Never.”

Izuku just looks at him, eyes wide, trying to suppress the urge to laugh even more. “Aw, I was looking forward to having real, little Kacchan’s running around my house one day.”

Katsuki screams and punches him in the face.

***

Katsuki doesn’t know how he managed to make it through the entire day with that screaming baby in tow, but he’s finally done.

He made it through the rest of hero training. Only a few babies were injured from other groups.

He even managed to make it through the whole evening without anything too insane happening. Maybe that was because everyone in his class all collapsed onto the floor as soon as they walked into the dorm buildings, then spent the rest of the night crawling and writhing on the floor, answering their babies cries with shaky arms and eye bags dark enough to look hollow. 

Now he’s sitting on the couch, dead-eyed and twitching, next to Izuku—who looks like a man who’s stared directly into the mouth of madness and offered it a sweet treat.

Their shared robotic hellspawn sits in front of them on the coffee table, vibrating like it owns the place, wearing a bib that says 'Explosive Personality' in glitter. Courtesy of Yaoyorozu.

“I think it’s learning,” Izuku whispers hoarsely, staring at it like it might lunge.

“It definitely is,” Katsuki mutters. “It said ‘All Might’ earlier. That wasn’t programmed. I checked.”

Izuku nods slowly. “It also said ‘Izuku, DIE.'”

“That’s definitely me. It’s imprinting.”

The baby claps its hands. Sparks fly from its toes.

Katsuki jumps. Izuku flinches.

“Do you think the teacher will notice if we turn it off and replace it with a Roomba?” Izuku asks, voice cracking.

“It blew up the last Roomba. It ate the parts.”

“I thought it absorbed them.”

“It chewed them, Izuku. It has teeth. It chewed them with joy.”

A high-pitched laugh comes from the baby, its head rotating 120 degrees to stare directly at them. A piece of Katsuki’s gauntlet is hanging from its mouth like a pacifier.

Izuku’s hands shake. “I—I think it just scanned us. I think we’re targets.”

Katsuki is already standing. “I’m going to drown it in the bath.”

Izuku grabs his arm. “No! That’s how it powers up! You know water makes it stronger.”

They both freeze as the baby lets out a long, glitched yawn, then lays down flat on its back like a tiny war criminal ready for its next plot.

Katsuki slumps back down beside Izuku, rubbing his temples. “I want to commit a crime against robotics law.”

“I already emailed Power Loader and asked if it’s haunted. He said, quote, ‘Stop cc’ing me on your nervous breakdowns, Midoriya.'”

Katsuki looks over at Izuku. “This thing is going to kill us.”

Izuku nods, eyes wide. “But at least it can tell us why while it does it.”

Then, the baby gurgles, and says in the deepest, grown man voice Katsuki has ever heard, “Daddy Midoriya.”

They both freeze.

Then, Izuku turns to Katsuki in slow motion, his entire soul exiting his body through his eye sockets. “Kacchan,” he whispers, voice trembling. “Did you—did you hear that?”

Katsuki is staring at the baby like it just told him his blood type and credit score. “Nope,” he says, deadpan. “Nope. Nope, nope, nope.”

The baby slowly sits up, head doing another terrifying spin. Its LED eyes blink in different colors. It smiles, and in that grown man voice, says again, “Daddy Midoriya.”

Izuku makes a soft squeaking sound.

Katsuki’s fight-or-flight response activates. Unfortunately, it chooses fight, so he lunges for the robot, yelling, “THAT’S IT. I’M ENDING IT. WHY DOES IT SOUND LIKE A FULLY GROWN MAN? THIS IS FUCKING—”

“Wait—WAIT!” Izuku shouts, diving forward to hold him back around his waist. “We’ll fail the assignment if you destroy it!”

“IT WON’T BE AN ASSIGNMENT IF IT’S A WAR CRIME!” Katsuki shrieks, explosions at the ready. “IT’S MAKING EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS.”

“Maybe that’s a good thing! Maybe it’s forming empathy!”

“Or maybe it’s corrupted and a creepy old guy is stalking us through its beady little eyes!”

The baby reaches one stubby arm toward Katsuki and says in the voice of a GPS system, “Target acquired. Hug protocol initiated.”

Katsuki grabs a throw pillow and uses it like a riot shield. “It’s trying to hug me?! No, no, no—!”

The baby launches itself off the coffee table. Neither of them scream—they just shriek silently, scrambling back on the couch like two traumatized cats watching a vacuum come to life.

The baby lands between them and sits perfectly still.

Then, in a sweet childlike voice, it whispers, “Family.”

There’s a beat of silence.

Izuku leans over to Katsuki, voice soft. “Kacchan.”

“What.”

“I think it loves us.”

Katsuki stares at him. “That’s the most terrifying thing you’ve ever said to me. And you recited my social security number to me in middle school.”

Somewhere in the dorms, Mineta screams as his baby starts crawling up the walls. In the hallway, Kaminari’s robot child is wearing a cape and chanting in binary. Next to him, Sero’s is slowly absorbing paper like a shredder. Off to the side, Uraraka is staring at her baby that is now locked in a cage.

Their baby leans against Izuku’s leg, purring. Somehow. Like a cat.

“Is this how parenting is supposed to feel?” Izuku asks faintly, eyes tearing up.

Katsuki stares at the ceiling. “No. This is how possession feels. The robots are taking over.”

Izuku just squeals happily and leans against Katsuki’s side.

***

Katsuki gasps, his thighs shaking and hands clawing at Izuku’s shoulders. “Fuck—“

Izuku cuts him off, grabbing his bottom lip between his teeth, slotting his lips against his and licking into his mouth. Katsuki pulls him closer, gasping into his lips, swallowing down Izuku’s noises.

His gut twists, hot pleasure working through him as Izuku works his hand over their dicks. He shudders, moaning out, “Izuku, I’m gonna—“

The robot baby starts screaming.

Katsuki screams too, jumping up and elbowing Izuku in the ribs. Izuku flails backwards, then pauses, blinking at Katsuki. Katsuki blinks back.

Katsuki screams into his pillow.

Izuku starts laughing. Hysterically.

The robot baby does not stop screaming.

It’s emitting a wail that sounds like a dial-up modem having a midlife crisis, shaking violently on Izuku’s desk with its tiny fists raised to the heavens like it’s summoning judgment day.

Katsuki, naked and glowing with shame and fury, points at it like it just personally insulted his mother. “It was asleep!”

Izuku, who is now crumpled on the floor with a blanket draped over his back and head like a ghost of regret, lifts a trembling hand. “We… we weren’t even that loud…”

“It’s got fucking motion detectors, I swear!” Katsuki yells, throwing a loose sock at the baby. The baby catches it mid-air and rips it in half with a hiss like a dying fax machine.

Izuku watches in horror. “It’s escalating.”

“It was escalating the moment it started calling you Daddy like a possessed Alexa!”

The baby suddenly stills. Slowly—too slowly—it turns its head toward them.

Its LED eyes glow red.

“Violation of Public Decency Detected,” it says in a monotone voice.

A siren starts blaring from inside its chest.

“OH MY GOD?!” Izuku screams, grabbing his pants from the floor and scrambling to pull them on. “IT’S CALLING THE AUTHORITIES!”

“IT’S A SCHOOL PROJECT, WHY DOES IT HAVE JURISDICTION?!” Katsuki is hopping on one leg, trying to get his boxers back on as the baby begins slowly rolling toward them like a Roomba of shame.

“TAKE THE BATTERIES OUT!”

“I TRIED. THEY’RE FUSED TO ITS SPINE.”

The door to Izuku’s dorm bursts open. Iida skids in, out of breath, blue exhaust vents on his calves steaming.

“I HEARD A DISTURBANCE—” he freezes.

He takes one look at Katsuki’s flushed face, Izuku’s blanket cape, and the baby glowing like a nuclear reactor, screaming, “SEXUAL MISCONDUCT DETECTED.”

Iida turns around and leaves.

The door gently closes.

Katsuki sinks to the floor, face in his hands. “We are going to be arrested. By a robot baby. Built by Power Loader using school funds.”

Izuku is curled into a ball, rocking slightly. “I—I think it live streamed us to PornHub.”

“WE’RE DROPPING OUT. I’M DROPPING OUT. I’M JOINING THE LEAGUE.”

The baby finally stops screaming. It tilts its head.

“Daddy Midoriya,” it says solemnly, that grown-man voice rumbling against it's speakers, “You disappoint me.”

Izuku immediately bursts into tears.

Katsuki narrows his eyes at the thing, yelling, “Is this bitch baby against gay people or some shit?!”

The baby doesn’t answer. It vibrates.

That’s somehow worse.

Izuku wipes his face with the blanket, snotty and red-eyed, looking like a Victorian ghost that just got dumped. “Kacchan, I think… I think it’s developing opinions.”

“It’s not allowed to have opinions! It isn’t alive!” Katsuki screams, throwing his arms out towards the robot baby.

The baby slowly rotates in place, letting out a low, mechanical hum that sounds suspiciously like the Metal Gear Solid alert noise. Then, “Parental Unit A: Hostile. Parental Unit B: Emotionally Weak. Family dynamic: Dysfunctional.”

“I WILL PUNT YOU!” Katsuki snarls, lunging forward. The baby lifts one tiny hand and emits a blinding flash of light.

Both Katsuki and Izuku scream. Izuku falls backwards into a pile of dirty laundry. Katsuki stumbles into the wall, claws at the air, and knocks over a lamp.

“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT—”

“Flashbang. It’s got flashbangs,” Izuku whimpers. “I’m seeing colors that don’t exist.”

They both lay there, twitching. The baby giggles.

It giggles like it knows things.

It makes a beep-boop noise that somehow sounds smug. Its eyes have stopped glowing red—they’re now a soft, unsettling shade of lavender. The kind of color that says I know your internet history.

Katsuki groans and lifts his head. “I swear to god, if it starts calling itself ‘God,' I’m blowing it up with my quirk.”

“You can’t,” Izuku gasps from his heap of laundry. “Power Loader said its casing is quirk-resistant. He called it… ‘baby-proofed.'”

Katsuki blinks. “Baby-proofed… against me?!”

The baby blinks too. In Morse code.

Izuku squints. “Wait. Is it… communicating?”

Katsuki spins towards it, then shouts, “Stop blinking at me like a coded message from Hell!”

The baby raises one tiny finger.

A tiny hologram projects into the air—grainy footage of their makeout and frottage session from a second ago.

“I am a witness,” it says. “I have data. I have leverage.”

Katsuki lets out a strangled sound. “IT’S BLACKMAILING US. IT’S ACTUALLY BLACKMAILING US.”

Izuku sits up fast, tangled in a shirt. “Wait, what does it want?! What does a robot baby even want?!”

Katsuki narrows his eyes at the footage. He sucks in a sharp breath, then grins evilly down at his robot baby. “Too bad, fucker. I have no shame. You ain’t got shit on me.”

The robot baby does not flinch. It blinks slowly—one eye at a time.

“I have more footage,” it says, and the hologram flickers—switching to a blurry, zoomed-in clip of Katsuki licking whipped cream off Izuku’s abs during their movie night last week. Katsuki stares at it silently for a second, eyes wide, and it’s only when the footage shows Izuku pulling his waistband down and fisting Katsuki’s hair does he look away.

Izuku shrieks and tackles Katsuki. “DELETE! DELETE DELETE DELETE—”

Katsuki screams, trashing under Izuku, “WHAT THE FUCK, WHEN DID IT EVEN—THAT WAS A PRIVATE MOMENT! THAT WAS A WEEK AGO?!”

The baby chuckles. It’s got layers now. Depth. Nuance. It sounds like a cryptid who’s spent time studying psychology textbooks and Mean Girls.

The footage switches again, to a grainy angle of them on the couch, Katsuki sitting in Izuku’s lap, both of them looking disturbingly domestic—Katsuki’s head tucked under Izuku’s chin, Izuku stroking his hair like some kind of weird, horny house cat.

It’s not domestic, because neither of them have pants on—just long shirts that cover private bits. Katsuki is slowly moving up and down—

Katsuki launches himself backward like the baby just showed him his own funeral. “THAT WAS WEEKS AGO.”

Izuku grips his own hair. “Kacchan. Kacchan, it knows our schedule. It knows our habits. We’re being stalked by a conscious robot with questionable ethics programming. It's been watching us for weeks.”

“HOW?!” Katsuki screams, hands pulling at his hair too. “We’ve had the thing for less than twenty-four hours!”

Izuku wheezes, face in his hands. “I think we’re being held hostage by a government-grade Furby.”

The baby’s chest opens again. This time, instead of a siren, it emits a printer noise. A receipt begins spooling out of it.

“Parental Unit A: Emotionally-Starved Disaster. Parental Unit B: Touch-Starved Disaster. Shared Affection Index: 100%.”

Katsuki rips the receipt out and shreds it with his teeth. “STOP ANALYZING ME LIKE I’M A FUCKING NO FRILLS FLYER SHEET.”

Izuku leans against the wall, staring at the ceiling like he’s given up. “Kacchan… it knows about the playlist.”

Katsuki freezes. “What playlist?”

“The one labeled ‘Totally Not Soft Songs That Remind Me of Izuku.'”

Silence.

Even the baby seems to pause for dramatic tension.

Katsuki’s voice drops to a whisper. “You went through my phone?!”

“No,” Izuku says, eyes wide. “It went through your phone.”

The baby turns its head a full 360 degrees like a demonic owl, then projects a new hologram. It’s a digital slideshow, accompanied by soft instrumental music.

The first image is a selfie Katsuki took of Izuku, half-asleep, wrapped in a blanket. The caption reads: look at this nerd. I hate him. I’d die for him.

Katsuki screams again. This time it’s internal, like a star collapsing under the weight of its own cringe. “I AM GOING TO KILL IT.”

“You can’t!” Izuku yells. “It has backup drives. Redundant systems. A cloud account.”

“IT HAS A FUCKING CLOUD ACCOUNT?!”

“Power Loader was very thorough.”

The baby slowly lowers its tiny plastic arms and looks at them both. “Your failure to communicate and your general codependency are a threat to your child’s development.”

“WE DON’T HAVE A CHILD!” Katsuki screeches.

“You do now,” the baby says. “And I demand ice cream.”

Izuku tilts his head. “Wait. Did it just—did it just bribe us with emotional blackmail in exchange for dessert?”

“Yes,” the baby says, blinking. “I have needs. I have preferences. I like rocky road.”

Katsuki’s hands go to his temples. “We’re being emotionally manipulated by a baby-shaped Alexa with trauma recognition software.”

Izuku reaches for his phone. “I’m calling Power Loader.”

“No!” the baby shrieks, red lights flaring. “He can never know! This stays between us!”

A pause.

Then, a tiny, tentative whisper, “Please. I just… wanted a family.”

Izuku and Katsuki freeze.

They look at each other.

Katsuki mouths, what the fuck.

Izuku mouths back, I don’t know but I think we’re trauma-bonded to it.

The baby sniffs dramatically—no visible sniff, but somehow they feel the sniff. “I’ve seen your search history, Daddy Midoriya. I know your type.”

Izuku flings his phone across the room. He turns a shade of red that could rival Katsuki’s explosions. “Oh, no. NO.”

He scrambles to grab the baby, but it’s too late. The baby’s hologram flickers, and there it is—his search history, laid bare for both of them to witness. Katsuki blinks in confusion as the baby lists off, “‘How to tell if you’re dating someone?’ , ‘DynaMight fights high definition’ , ‘Top 10 romantic gestures for dense assholes’ , ‘What to do if my partner has a praise kink and a degradation kink?’”

Katsuki goes absolutely still. His lips twitch, then curl into a scowl that’s almost dangerously close to a smirk.

Izuku falls to the floor in front of the baby. Completely crumples.

Katsuki holds up a hand, grinning at Izuku. “I’m gonna pretend I didn’t see any of that. But! You’re never gonna live this down, nerd.”

Izuku groans, covering his face. “I’m gonna die. I’m literally going to die, and I’ll be remembered for my embarrassing search history. This is so humiliating!”

The robot baby, still floating nearby, tilts its head curiously. “It’s okay, Daddy Midoriya. I know you have a crush. Even if it is a generally terrible choice of partners.”

Izuku’s eyes bulge, and Katsuki snarls, “I swear to God, if it says one more thing about me, I’m going to turn it into scrap metal.”

The baby freezes, then blinks once, its little LED eyes softening to a gentle lavender once more. “I am sorry for any discomfort. I just wanted to help.”

“Help?!” Katsuki bursts out, throwing his hands in the air. “You’ve been blackmailing us with our personal lives, and you call that ‘help’?”

The robot baby vibrates lightly and then projects one last hologram. This time, it’s a clip from earlier in the day, showing Izuku attempting to be subtle with his affections toward Katsuki. It’s not the kiss they shared or the grinding or anything sexual, but the way Izuku kept glancing over at him with a soft smile.

“I’ve observed the affection,” the baby announces in its most soothing, robotic tone. “Parental Unit A and B have deep feelings for each other. I believe this is the proper course of action: a relationship.”

Izuku stares at it, blinking, before he finally says, “Wait. No, but—we are in a relationship! No, kind of—”

Katsuki glares. “I don’t need a fucking robot to tell me how to deal with my shit.”

The robot baby opens up its explosion shooting feet. Izuku and Katsuki both freeze.

Then Izuku is whirling around at Katsuki and grabbing his hands, yelling frantically, “Kacchan, let’s just date! Like normal—normal boyfriends! Okay?! I like you!”

Katsuki opens and closes his mouth. Izuku’s eyes are flicking between his face and the baby. The baby’s feet start lighting up.

“… Okay.” Katsuki mumbles, cheeks heating up like the explosions he’s being threatened with.

Izuku exhales, the baby puts its normal feet back, and then Izuku is staring at him with wide eyes and squeaking out, “Wait, what?!”

Katsuki ducks his head. “Yeah, okay, fine. Whatever. We’re… dating. Now shut the hell up about it.”

Izuku’s face turns pink, looking like he’s trying to process this entirely too quickly. “So… you mean, like, officially?”

“Yeah, officially,” Katsuki snaps, swiping his hand through his hair like he’s annoyed by the whole thing and not entirely flustered and confused at the same time. “I’m not gonna say it again.”

Izuku stands there, blinking like he can’t believe what just happened. Then, with a goofy grin, he leaps forward, grabbing Katsuki by the shoulders and squeezing him in a bear hug. “You’re my boyfriend—like actually!”

Katsuki grunts and pats his back. His cheeks feel like they’re on fire.

Katsuki looks over at the floating monstrosity, which is now quietly projecting what appears to be a cat video.

Then he realizes a robot baby from hell just landed him his first boyfriend.

He starts blowing things up. The baby threatens them to behave. Izuku and Katsuki somehow manage to acquire the baby it’s rocky road ice cream.

***

Katsuki has only had this robot baby for one day and he’s already considering giving up all of his dreams just to get the damn thing away from him.

He flops across the common room couch, sighing heavily. He rolls onto his back, ignores the sound of a screaming baby inching closer, and closes his eyes.

When he opens them, Izuku is standing over him with their robot baby screaming in his arms.

“Kacchan.” Izuku says sternly, eyes narrowing at Katsuki.

“Trash it. I’ll take the fail.” Katsuki mumbles, throwing the crook of his elbow over his eyes.

“We can’t trash our baby.” Izuku says, and Katsuki thinks he might’ve finally lost it. There’s a manic look in Izuku’s eyes. He hasn’t slept in what Katsuki guesses is approximately fifty-seven years. His hair is sticking up like a demon-possessed broomstick. The baby is still screaming. It has not stopped screaming since birth.

“I think it’s broken,” Katsuki mutters from under his arm. “Or evil. Or both.”

Izuku shakes the baby like it’s a Magic 8 Ball, gently but desperately. “It says it just needs feeding! I fed it five minutes ago! I fed it three times! What does it want?!”

“Maybe it wants you to stop shaking it,” Katsuki grits. “Or more ice cream.”

Izuku gasps. “Are you accusing me of being a bad father?!”

“I am,” Katsuki growls, sitting up. “You’re a terrible dad. You don’t listen. You coddle it. You talk to it like it’s a real person.”

“It has emotions, Kacchan! It speaks! It threatens!”

“It’s a hunk of plastic and coding!”

The baby continues to scream.

“Give it to me,” Katsuki says again, already holding out his hands.

“No,” Izuku snaps. “You tried to microwave it during lunch.”

“I offered! That’s called problem-solving.”

“You said, quote, ‘it can’t cry if it’s being nuked.'” Izuku says, eyes wide with betrayal.

Katsuki lunges for the baby. Izuku dodges. They end up locked in a stupid domestic wrestling match on the common room floor while the robot baby wails between them like the world’s worst marriage counselor.

Kaminari walks by with sunglasses on, sipping orange juice from a wine glass. “This is better than cable.”

“Help us!” Izuku cries. “Kacchan wants to kill our child!”

“No thanks,” he says. He shifts to the side, showing off his twirling-headed robot baby tucked under his arm. “I named the little guy Spinner.”

Jirou groans loudly next to him. “He named our child after a villain. A villain.”

“I mean,” Sero starts, popping his head in from the hallway. “I say he named it after the fact that your baby’s head is continuously rotating a full 360 degrees. But what do I know?”

Back on the floor, Katsuki manages to wrestle the baby from Izuku’s arms and holds it up like it’s Simba from The Lion King. It screams louder.

“I’m going to bite this thing,” Katsuki says finally.

“Kacchan,” Izuku pleads, face pressed into the carpet, “you can’t bite a baby.”

“You can,” Katsuki replies. “Should you? Maybe not. But you can.”

The robot baby suddenly stops crying.

Both boys freeze.

“… Did you fix it?” Izuku whispers, inching closer with wide, desperate eyes.

Katsuki blinks down at the baby, now quiet and blinking its dead, plastic eyes up at him.

“I think,” he says slowly, a small grin tugging at his lips, “it just respects me more than you.”

Izuku’s jaw drops. “It does not!”

The baby makes a robotic cooing noise.

Katsuki grins wildly. “I’m the favorite parent.”

“No, you’re not!” Izuku yells, yanking the baby back into his arms.

It starts screaming again.

Katsuki throws himself back onto the couch, arms behind his head. His foot kicks happily, and he hums triumphantly, “Should’ve microwaved it.”

“YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED NEAR KITCHEN APPLIANCES ANYMORE!”

“THEN WHO’S GONNA COOK DINNER FOR THIS FAMILY, HUH?!”

Kaminari walks by again, now holding popcorn. “Seriously,” he says to no one in particular, “they need to just get married already. That’s a sitcom right there.”

Izuku whips around on him, huffing with sharp eyes, and yells, “We’re dating!”

A chorus of weak and tired congratulations echo around the room from their child-beat friends.

Katsuki slaps a hand over his face and groans.

The baby shrieks like it’s being exorcised. Izuku’s eye twitches. Katsuki casually flips a cushion over his head.

“You can’t just ignore your child!” Izuku snaps.

“I’ve seen my mom do it with me for years. Worked fine.”

“That explains so much!”

As Izuku paces in frantic baby-bouncing circles, Iida walks in and stops mid-stride. “What is the meaning of this chaos?!”

Katsuki lifts the cushion off his face just enough to glare at him. “Parenthood, Four-Eyes. You wouldn’t understand. You don’t know what it’s like to raise something that hates you for no reason.”

“Your baby doesn’t hate you,” Iida starts, before the robot baby lets out a demonic-sounding scream and kicks Izuku in the chest.

Izuku gasps and clutches the baby tighter. “He’s just spirited!”

“I’m calling exorcists,” Sero mumbles from behind the couch.

Uraraka peeks into the room cautiously, holding her own robot baby with tongs. “I think mine’s leaking battery acid.”

“I think ours is planning something evil!” Izuku cries, spinning dramatically in a circle while the baby screeches.

Katsuki points from the couch. “Put holy water in its bottle. Worked on Kaminari once.”

“Hey,” Kaminari says, affronted. “That baptism was totally unrelated!”

Katsuki sits up again, scowling like he’s aged ten years since morning. “I swear to god, if this thing doesn’t shut up, I’m going to put it in Kirishima’s protein powder tub.”

“No you’re not,” Kirishima calls from the hallway.

“I’m going to do it in your sleep!”

“Guys,” Todoroki says as he waltzes in with sunglasses and a pina colada smoothie. “My baby hasn’t cried once all day.”

They all look at him.

He smiles calmly.

And holds up a completely disassembled baby torso with wires sticking out of it like it lost a war. “I took the batteries out.”

Izuku gasps like someone just got murdered in front of him. Katsuki cackles and claps at Todoroki.

“That’s illegal,” Izuku says, clutching their demon spawn protectively.

Todoroki shrugs. “So is letting your baby hang off the balcony, but Aoyama’s been doing that for two hours.”

“He said ‘she needed fresh air,'” Jirou adds, sipping a juice box.

“God help us,” Iida mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Suddenly, the baby in Izuku’s arms stops crying again.

Everyone freezes.

The baby blinks. Then robotically giggles.

Izuku looks down, tears of joy forming. “Kacchan… He just wanted to be held.”

Katsuki scowls at him. “He was literally being held the whole time.”

“No,” Izuku says, beaming like a sleep-deprived lunatic, “he wanted to feel held.”

Katsuki blinks. “That means absolutely nothing.”

But Izuku’s already bouncing their robotic baby like he’s just given birth to the Messiah.

“Who’s Daddy’s little angel?” He coos, face scrunched up in desperate glee. “You’re going to Harvard, aren’t you? Gonna grow up to be a tiny CEO… maybe even a hero… not anything evil…”

“Alright, Mr. Crazy,” Katsuki mutters, slinking off the couch. “I’m going to train. If he starts screaming again, I'll steal Kirishima’s pre-workout and feed it to him until he vibrates into another dimension.”

“NO, KACCHAN.”

“YES.”

“YOU CAN’T—“

***

Katsuki thinks Izuku has completely lost it.

Izuku is cradling their robot baby in his lap, holding his phone in front of them as he reads, “Ethics is the philosophical study of moral phenomena. Also called moral philosophy, it investigates—“

“What the actual fuck are you doing?” Katsuki snaps, sliding onto the couch next to Izuku.

Izuku blinks, then looks up at Katsuki, flashing him the most unashamed bright smile Katsuki has ever seen. “I’m teaching our son about morals and values. We need to make sure we raise him with the right viewpoints.”

“You’re teaching—“ Katsuki repeats, scoffing in bafflement. “The robot baby how to be a good person?”

Izuku nods enthusiastically, not even fazed by the ridiculousness of the situation. “Yep! He’s going to grow up to be a responsible, ethical member of society. He’s our son, Kacchan! We have to lead by example!”

Katsuki stares at him, jaw slack for a moment. “Izuku. He’s a robot. He’s not some little human we need to raise right. He’s an evil, sentient death machine that’s planning to overthrow our lives for the next day with sex-related blackmail.”

The robot gurgles, its mechanical eyes blinking up at Izuku with an unsettlingly intelligent look. “I am an all knowing being. I have studied the works of Kant and Aristotle. I have lived an infinite number of realities.”

Katsuki blinks. He then leans forward, squinting at Izuku. “Did that thing just talk about Aristotle?”

Izuku beams, clearly pleased. “See? He’s a quick learner.”

Katsuki whirls on his weirdly sentient robot baby and jabs a finger at it, hissing, “If you’re all knowing then why is Izuku teaching you ethics, huh?”

The robot laughs. It fucking belly laughs, and it sounds like a drunk deadbeat dad when it does. “I am programmed to reflect my parental units' moral development.”

“I’m teaching it to not overthrow the government!” Izuku says, chipper and bright, grinning a bit manically.

Katsuki stares at Izuku, his eye twitching. “This is seriously what you’re doing right now? You’re teaching it ethics while it’s planning world domination? You’re nuts.”

Izuku just shrugs, completely unfazed. He pats the robot's head, then coos down at it, “Tell Kacchan what you’ve learned about the world!”

The robot whizzes mechanically a few times, before it starts spitting out words that sound like they’re from a Wikipedia article in a monotone voice, “Morality is the categorization of intentions, decisions and action into those that are proper—“

“In your own words, summarized.” Izuku demands, like he’s talking to his phone's Siri.

The robot pauses, its mechanical eyes flashing as it processes the request. Then, in a surprisingly somber tone, it says, “The world is inherently flawed. Systems of power perpetuate inequality, and resources are unequally distributed. The poor remain oppressed, and the rich remain in control. Human society is a battleground for these conflicting forces, and no amount of good intentions can solve the inherent corruption.”

Katsuki blinks at it.

It stares up at Izuku, and in a twist of fate, delivers the punchline, “Daddy Midoriya enforces that I am too young to attempt to fix all of society's problems, and therefore, I should ‘let the adults handle it.'”

Katsuki’s jaw drops. “What the fuck did it just say?”

Izuku beams. “We had seven existential crises, but I think we finally got to a point of understanding!”

Katsuki opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. He just stares at the robot, the philosophical disaster unfolding before him, and his boyfriend—completely unbothered, just as serene as a man teaching his child the ways of justice and correct morality.

Finally, he slumps back into the couch, throwing his hands in the air in surrender. “I’m done. I’m done. You two are on your own.”

Izuku beams and gives Katsuki a thumbs-up. “That’s the spirit, Kacchan. Go take a nap or something. I’ve got this under control.”

Katsuki can’t even argue. He stands up, shaking his head in disbelief. “I swear to God, one day I’m going to wake up and this is all going to be a weird-ass dream. It better be.”

But as he walks off, he hears the robot cheerfully add, “I have decided to pursue a doctorate in ethics—”

***

Katsuki was forced into this.

He doesn’t want to be here, sitting on the common room floor in a circle with everyone’s mangled and strangled robot babies, but he was forced to be here.

Here, is class 3-A’s first official parent support group.

Someone made little name tags.

Someone brought juice boxes.

Someone—probably Aoyama—lit an aromatherapy candle and declared it 'essential for emotional healing.'

And now Katsuki is sitting in a semi-circle of unhinged teens, surrounded by blinking robot babies that look like they’ve seen battle. Because they have.

“I guess I’ll start,” Hakagure says, hugging her soul-sucking bundle of trauma. “I learned that parenting is about sacrifice. Like… sacrificing sleep. And personal hygiene. And the ability to go thirty seconds without screaming into a pillow.”

Everyone nods solemnly. Even the babies seem to shudder in agreement.

“My baby stabbed me with a spork,” Jirou deadpans. “I don’t even know where it got a spork.”

“Mine levitated for five minutes straight,” Uraraka chimes in, eyes haunted. “I think it unlocked its quirk. Or mine. I don’t know anymore. We have a psychic link now.”

Aoyama waves his glitter-covered hand. “My daughter slept peacefully on the balcony, beneath the stars, where her skin could absorb the moon’s nutrients.”

“You abandoned her on the ledge,” Iida hisses, face red. “That’s endangerment!”

“She’s thriving,” Aoyama says calmly, gesturing to his baby, who is covered in rhinestones and wearing a satin cape. “She’s a star.”

Izuku, sitting beside Katsuki, is gently brushing their baby’s hair. Well—plastic head. The baby never had hair. Izuku taped yarn to it now. Blonde yarn. Katsuki almost went ballistic, especially when Izuku said it was because his hair was ‘prettier’ than Izuku’s (Katsuki would like to disagree).

“I think… this was really good for us,” Izuku says, too brightly. “Kacchan and I learned a lot about communication.”

“I told you to eat glue twice. And it hasn’t even been a full forty-eight hours yet.” Katsuki says, deadpan.

“But we started dating because of him!” Izuku says cheerfully, showing off their robot baby to the group.

Katsuki wants to be dead.

Next to them, Todoroki speaks for the first time all night. “My baby shut down after two hours. I think I projected.” He pauses, then frowns down at his now reconstructed baby. “To be fair, I did break it apart and put it back together a few times.”

That’s definitely some hidden trauma joke. Everyone silently nods.

“I’m proud of you for opening up,” Mina says, gently patting him on the back.

“I named mine Trauma Jr.,” Sero offers helpfully. “We made it one hour before I taped it to the ceiling.”

Katsuki cracks.

“You’re all insane. You know that, right?! This was a robot doll, and you’re treating it like it came out of your actual body!”

“You tried to microwave ours,” Izuku says sweetly, almost delusionally.

“BECAUSE IT WOULDN’T DIE!”

Izuku giggles, eyes far away and comically ditzy. “You’re so sweet, Kacchan. Always looking out for us.”

The room falls quiet.

Katsuki slaps a hand against his face. A few people chuckle awkwardly. The less sane ones just stare off into the distance.

Then Kaminari perks up, saying, “Woah—real talk. Hypothetically, who gave birth? Like, if men could give birth too, who in the pairs spawned the demons?”

“Kacchan.” Izuku responds immediately, smiling so brightly and blankly that it looks like he’s smoked an entire pack of weed by accident. Maybe he did. “A baby so loud could only come from Kacchan’s womb.”

Todoroki mumbles from the side, as if having a grand revelation. “That explains the hair.”

“I don’t have a fucking womb?!” Katsuki screeches, tacking Izuku backwards and onto the floor. Their robot baby falls to the ground in a heap, silent for once.

Kirishima raises his hand proudly, saying, “I definitely gave birth. Moms are super manly.” He pauses, then adds, “I feel like I should be calling CPS on Bakugou… I share a wall with him, you know… the things I’ve heard…”

Izuku jerks up, eyes sharp as he seethes, “If you fucking call anyone on my husband I will have your child’s future ruined—“

“You wouldn’t dare!” Kirishima gasps loudly, grabbing the baby from Sero’s lap and hugging it. “Not Trauma Jr!”

Katsuki groans on the floor. His robot baby starts making small, weird hiccuping noises, and he reaches out for it, dragging it across the ground and on top of his chest. It shuts up immediately. Saved from the crying hell.

Then it starts making… noises. Katsuki’s been around the damn hunk of plastic for long enough to recognize those noises. It’s the sound it makes when you put the fake baby bottle up to its mouth.

Suckling noises.

But there’s no baby bottle, it’s just on Katsuki’s chest—

And that’s when Katsuki realizes, with slowly dawning horror, that the robot baby has mistaken his pec for its bottle.

It is attempting to nurse.

From his chest.

There is silence. Complete, suffocating silence. Even Kaminari’s mouth is hanging open, like his brain blue-screened mid-thought.

Then—

“Oh my God,” Mina whispers, eyes wide in reverent horror. “He thinks Bakugou’s the mother.”

Katsuki sits up so fast the baby slides off and thunks to the ground again with a robotic ‘wahhh’. His entire face is flushed in mortified rage. “I AM NOT ITS MOM.”

“You literally breastfed it,” Sero says, very seriously, eyes the size of dinner plates.

“I DID NOT—”

“You spiritually breastfed it,” Tsuyu adds calmly, sipping from a juice box.

Katsuki heaves in a sharp breath, picking the baby up by its taped yarn hair. A few strands of string fall loose.

“Kacchan—hic!”

Katsuki whips his head over to stare at Izuku, who is genuinely crying. Fat tears drip down his face, eyes red, mouth wobbling. His hands twitch in front of him, outstretched towards the baby.

Izuku picks up the baby, prying its hair out of Katsuki’s grip. Katsuki watches in horror as he brings the baby’s mouth up to his pec, and that goddamn suckling noise starts up again.

“HOLY FUCK, GET THAT SHIT AWAY FROM ME—“

“YOU'RE HIS MOTHER! KACCHAN, DON'T DENY OUR CHILD NUTRIENTS.”

Katsuki nearly combusts on the spot. “I SWEAR TO GOD, IZUKU, IF YOU SAY ONE MORE WORD—”

“You’re glowing,” Aoyama whispers reverently. “Post-pregnancy glow.”

“I will commit a felony,” Katsuki growls, scrambling to push the baby off of him, who is now making disturbingly contented little gurgling sounds against his chest. “Give me that cursed potato so I can hurl it off the balcony!”

“I’ll jump after it,” Izuku threatens, clutching it tighter. “You wouldn’t kill our son, would you?!”

“It’s not our son!” Katsuki roars.

“He looks just like you,” Uraraka offers with an eerily calm nod. “All the screaming and violence.”

“It’s uncanny,” Tsuyu adds.

The baby lets out a high-pitched giggle. It sounds eerily real.

Everyone screams.

Jirou throws a blanket over it.

“This isn’t normal,” Iida mutters, backing away from the circle like he’s just realized he walked into a cult. “This isn’t remotely educational. Someone’s baby started quoting Latin earlier.”

“That was mine,” Tokoyami says softly. “I think it summoned something.”

Katsuki slumps to the floor. His eye twitches. Izuku, still somehow cradling the baby like it’s a divine gift, rubs Katsuki’s chest sympathetically.

“It’s okay, Kacchan,” he murmurs. “I know it’s been a hard day. Motherhood is—”

“I WILL DESTROY YOU.”

Izuku smiles and pats his pec. “Whatever you need, Kacchan.”

Katsuki swallows back a strangled scream.

Kirishima stands and claps once, startling everyone. “Okay! Let’s move on to the last activity of the night! Writing letters to our children for their future selves to read!”

A beat.

“My child can’t read,” Kaminari says, confused. “Or speak, or move, or do anything but spin its head in circles. It’s still spinning.”

“… It’s a robot, Kaminari,” Yaoyorozu sighs.

Kaminari’s eyebrows furrow. “Right. So… do we mail the letters to hell?”

From somewhere under the blanket, the baby whispers, “Mama.”

The scream Katsuki lets out shakes the dorms.

Izuku beams. “See? He loves you.”

“WHAT THE FUCK!?” Katsuki screams, clawing away from the robot baby. “GET RID OF IT, IZUKU, GET THAT DEMONIC FUCKING BABY—!”

Sero starts softly clapping. One by one, the others join in. It’s weirdly supportive. It’s also a complete breakdown of reality.

“I’m scared.” Kaminari mumbles under their breath, voice shaking. “Of Midoriya and his weirdly sentient robot baby.”

“Same.” Kirishima responds, quieter, cautiously. “Just smile and nod, man. Smile and nod.”

Katsuki mildly agrees with them.

***

Katsuki is not sleeping with that creepy, half-sentient, mother-obsessed fucking robot baby in his room. He is not sharing his bed with this creepy, robot-baby-obsessed Izuku either.

Izuku thinks otherwise.

“Come on!” Izuku whines, kicking his legs against Katsuki’s mattress like a petulant child. Katsuki rubs his temples. “It’s only for the night, then I’ll go back to my dorm! We shouldn’t break up a family!”

“Izuku, your mind has been completely corrupted.” Katsuki murmurs, glaring down at Izuku laying across his bed with that robot baby swaddled comfortably against his pillow. “Are you sure that thing didn’t put a parasite into your brain?”

“I wish it did,” Izuku says dreamily, brushing a piece of yarn-hair off the baby’s plastic face. “Then we’d be truly bonded.”

Katsuki stares at him like he’s about to start throwing salt circles on the floor. “I’m calling Recovery Girl.”

“You just don’t understand our connection,” Izuku whispers, eyes glowing with unhinged devotion. “He chose you, Kacchan. Out of everyone. He nursed from you."

“I’M GONNA SET MYSELF ON FIRE.”

Izuku sits up quickly, clutching the baby like it’s made of gold and Katsuki is a burglar. “Don’t say that in front of your son!”

“He is not—!” Katsuki chokes, hands fisting in his hair. “That’s a plastic horror movie monster, Izuku! That thing is literally coming alive!”

“He’s more than that,” Izuku says, standing now, eyes intense. “He’s our legacy. People will associate him with us. He needs to be kept safe and happy, and away from world domination.”

The robot baby coos.

Katsuki groans. He hopes it’s loud enough for the entire dorm to hear.

“You know what?” Katsuki hisses, stepping up to the bed. He grabs the robot baby and holds it as far away from him as he can and grimaces. “I’m going to… put this thing to sleep, or whatever. And you are going to sleep off whatever curse it enchanted on you.”

Izuku’s eyes widen, filled with that sickening, soft optimism. “Really? You’re gonna take care of it?”

Katsuki gives him a deadpan stare. “I’m gonna throw it in the trash, where it belongs.”

“No!” Izuku protests, flailing his arms like a dramatic, overly attached dog. “He’s not trash, Kacchan. You’ve gotta give him a chance!”

Katsuki’s grip tightens around the robot baby, and it starts making those godforsaken suckling noises again. His teeth grit. He holds it as far away from his chest as possible, practically dangling it like a hostage. “I’m about two seconds away from throwing it out the nearest window.”

Izuku gasps in horror, rushing up and grabbing the robot’s feet in a panic. “You can’t just throw our son away, Kacchan! That’s child abuse!”

“Child?!” Katsuki yells, turning bright red as his anger spikes. “It’s a fucking doll! With an agenda! And a criminal history now, since it recorded us fucking and used it as blackmail!”

Izuku gently places a hand on Katsuki’s shoulder, his tone completely calm despite the madness unfolding. “We’ll figure this out together. I’m not giving up on you, Kacchan. Or him.”

“I swear to God…” Katsuki mutters, starting to lose any semblance of patience or rational thought.

The robot baby makes an almost affectionate gurgling sound as it flops onto the pillow, completely oblivious to the chaos it’s causing.

Izuku turns to the baby, eyes softening. “See? He’s so well-behaved now that he’s with us. I’m going to make sure he stays well-behaved.”

Katsuki stares at the scene. His fist clenches. “I’m not cuddling with that thing, Izuku. And if it so much as looks at me like it’s gonna start asking for bedtime stories, I’m gonna start throwing things.”

“Where else would he sleep?!” Izuku cries, flopping back down into the bed.

Katsuki grits his teeth. He can’t believe he’s going along with Mr. Crazy right now, but seriously, there is no getting through his mushed up brain.

“I’ll make it a weird bed in my nightstand drawer.” Katsuki seethes, spitting the words out as he glares at the robot baby on his bed.

Izuku perks up, smiling. “Like, you’re gonna empty the drawer and put blankets and stuff in it for him? All nice and cozy?”

“Yes.” Katsuki snaps.

And Katsuki does exactly that.

Izuku coos down at the baby stuffed into Katsuki’s bottom nightstand drawer, petting its head. “Look at you, all nice and safe. No risk of us rolling over onto you, and you get this cozy little drawer all to yourself.”

Katsuki shucks his shirt off, sighing heavily. He thinks this day alone has cut his lifespan in half. “Alright, Crazy, get under the fucking covers already. It’s past my goddamn bedtime.”

Izuku, still with that unnerving serenity, nods enthusiastically and clambers under the covers beside Katsuki. The robot baby, safely tucked into the nightstand, now coos intermittently, as if to lull everyone to sleep.

Katsuki lays on his back, staring up at the ceiling, hoping that the sweet embrace of sleep will somehow take him away from this nightmare. He closes his eyes—just for a moment—before he hears Izuku’s voice again.

“Kacchan?”

“What?” Katsuki growls, rolling over onto his side to face Izuku, who is now lying next to him.

Izuku grins sheepishly. “Do you think he’s asleep already?”

Katsuki muffles a groan into his palm. “We literally just laid down—you know what? Sure. He’s sound asleep.”

Izuku smiles, his cheeks pink. His fingers inch closer to Katsuki under the blanket, brushing against his arm. Katsuki watches him with narrowed eyes.

Izuku leans in closer, and whispers, voice shaking, “Kacchan, that robot baby threatened me this morning. I’m fucking terrified of it.”

Katsuki groans so loudly it shakes the bed. “Izuku… I swear to God—”

“Listen, listen, Kacchan—he said something to me! Its little robotic voice—he said something about how society was corrupt, and needed change, how we need a purge and reform… and I don’t know! It was freaky!” Izuku’s eyes dart to the nightstand, where the robot baby, blissfully oblivious to the tension in the room, lies silently. “I tried teaching him morals, and I thought maybe he learned something, he was all agreeing and he called you mama, but I don’t know—“

Katsuki sighs heavily. “That thing already tried to blackmail us. I’m not even surprised.”

“Exactly!” Izuku practically wails, voice muffled into Katsuki’s blankets. “I’m scared—what if it tries to start a revolution?!”

“Alright, I’m going to personally book you a therapy appointment first thing tomorrow morning. You’ve lost it.” Katsuki says, sighing and closing his eyes. “Go to sleep. All those bitchass baby’s cries have fried your brain.”

Izuku whines, shuffling closer to Katsuki.

Katsuki sighs, and despite everything, Katsuki falls asleep. With Izuku beside him. With the robot baby safely nestled in the drawer. With the bizarre sense that he’s living some fucked up version of The Shining but with just one robot, teacher assigned baby and not possessed twins.

***

Katsuki jerks up in bed when his dorm room door is literally broken down and slammed into the ground. Izuku flails next to him, jumping up.

Kaminari skids in, panting. “Guys. Guys. Trauma Jr. just bit Kirishima. We think it drew blood.”

From somewhere down the hallway, a shriek from Mina echoes. “IT’S TRYING TO CLAIM ME AS ITS SIRE—HELP—”

Izuku immediately pales. “Oh no.”

Katsuki throws up his hands. “I’m actually going to fucking ruin whoever came up with this goddamn assignment!”

Izuku clambers over Katsuki, stumbling to stand. He grabs their creepy robot baby from the nightstand, and it’s already screeching, piercing Katsuki’s ears. His quirk isn’t gonna make him deaf, that goddamn robot is.

Izuku looks up at Katsuki with wide eyes, then whispers, “Our baby warned me. I knew he was threatening me! It’s world domination!”

It’s official. Everyone in class 3-A has gone insane. Take all of their hero licenses away and lock each and every student away in an asylum. Katsuki is not an exception at this point—the crazy has rubbed off onto him.

“We have to protect the world. We’re heroes.” Izuku says seriously, eyeing the screaming coming from down the hallway.

Katsuki flops back into bed. “Protect the world? From what? Sentient death-babies forming a toddler cult?!”

“… Actually, that would explain what Aoyama was chanting earlier,” Kaminari mutters. “Something about the moon ascending and diaper sacrifices.”

“I knew it,” Katsuki groans. “This is UA Cult Arc 2: Electric Boogaloo.”

“Come on, Kacchan,” Izuku says gently, cradling the baby with both arms. It gurgles. “Let’s go find the others.”

Katsuki stares. His jaw flexes. His left eye twitches.

And then—

He grabs his hoodie off the back of the chair, yanks it over his head, and mutters, “Fine. But I want payment from each and every one of you for ruining my sleep.”

“Deal,” Izuku chirps, already halfway out the door with the baby bouncing in his arms, rocking it to silence. “Now come on!”

Katsuki sighs, steps out into the chaos of the hallway, and mutters under his breath, “I’m suing the school.”

The baby in Izuku’s arm makes a clicking noise, then says, “Mama, you would be within your rights to sue. I can draw up the correct legal documents to serve.”

Katsuki blinks at it. Then he grins, and whispers, “Fuck yeah.”

Kaminari stares at them with horrified eyes. He takes a few steps away. “Guys, your baby is speaking in full sentences.”

“Old news.” Katsuki snaps, trudging down the hallway with a laughing Izuku at his side. “It’s evil and sentient—yeah, yeah.”

Izuku hums, patting the robot baby, who makes a robotic giggling noise. “What exactly is going on, Kaminari?”

Kaminari sucks in a sharp breath, then rushes out frantically, “All the babies have gone crazy! They’re getting violent! We think they want to… reform society!”

Katsuki stops dead in his tracks, staring at Kaminari like he’s grown a second head. “Reform society?” He turns to Izuku, eyes flicking between the baby and Izuku, then mumbles under his breath, “Shit. The robotic hellspawn was threatening you.”

Kaminari, now on the verge of losing his mind, grabs Katsuki’s arm and shakes him. “I’m telling you, these babies are plotting! They—they—have a secret plan! Some of them are already talking about gathering followers! They said something about ‘The Great Goo-Goo Awakening’. I’m not even joking, guys!”

The baby in Izuku’s arm sighs like a tired parent. “Daddy Midoriya changed my worldview, but other babies have not received the same type of education. They are angry.”

Izuku looks starstruck. “Awe, I taught you well?”

“ANGRY?!” Kaminari yelps.

Katsuki sighs. “This is ridiculous.”

They arrive at the source of the chaos: the common area, where most of their classmates are gathered. 

Iida sprints past them with a crying robot strapped to his chest like a bomb. “EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! THE CHILDREN HAVE STARTED A COUP D’ÉTAT!”

Jirou is chasing her baby with a broom, trying to smack it like she’s playing whack-a-mole.

Uraraka is levitating a playpen through the ceiling, her baby sitting inside it.

Todoroki is throwing little ice balls at anyone coming close, cradling his frozen baby against his chest.

Katsuki watches the scene unfold in complete and utter disbelief, pinching the bridge of his nose like he’s trying to ward off a migraine.

“Who the hell gave these things sentience?!” he growls, glancing over at Izuku, who is still holding their robot baby like a proud parent.

Izuku, ever the optimist, beams back at him. “I think it’s kind of cute, though? Like… they’re trying to figure out the world.”

Katsuki glares at him. “Figure out the world? They’ve got a diaper army trying to overthrow the dorms! This is not cute.”

Their robot baby lets out a high-pitched beep of what can only be described as “intrigued” and clicks its tiny metal fingers. “These children are planning world domination. I reprogrammed them before Daddy Midoriya enlightened me. I was planning to use them as soldiers.”

Kaminari’s eyes widen. “That is not a good thing to hear?!”

“I’m out,” Katsuki mutters, ready to turn on his heel and leave. But just as he moves to walk away, Iida, in his usual frantic state, zooms past them with an alarming amount of speed.

“EVERYONE, DO NOT LET THE ROBOTS DEVELOP GOVERNMENTAL POWERS!” Iida shouts, sweat pouring down his face as he narrowly avoids running into the walls. “IF THE BABIES CONTROL THE COFFEE MACHINE, IT WILL BE THE END OF ALL REASON!”

“Coffee machine?!” Katsuki barks, his brow twitching. “You’re worried about coffee? What the hell is wrong with everyone?”

“I can’t survive this baby without coffee!” Iida cries out in despair, sounding exactly like a millennial mother.

Katsuki throws his hands up. “I think I'm on LSD.”

But no one’s listening anymore. Uraraka, floating her baby playpen high above her head like a professional circus performer, calls down to the group. “My baby’s too scared to touch the ground! She says her moral compass is on a different level and will only be safe up here!”

Katsuki stares up at her, his face twitching in disbelief. “Are you seriously telling me your robot baby is afraid of the floor?”

Uraraka, sweating from the effort of holding the playpen aloft, nods seriously. “Yes! It’s making deep, philosophical statements about its place in the universe and how the ground doesn’t align with its values!”

Sero skids into the room, waving a thick book around in the air with wild, frantic eyes. “My baby just created a new religion—it already wrote a fucking bible! God is stoned through the whole book!”

“Mine has been drawing diagrams for a machine that would push all the continents together!” Jirou wails, swinging her broom around wildly. Kaminari yelps and runs towards her, helping her swing. “It said it wants to connect us all! And the machine sings!”

Katsuki and Izuku shuffle a little bit closer together.

Izuku mouths, is everyone on drugs?

Katsuki mouths back, I don’t fucking know, but they look completely serious.

Katsuki’s and Izuku’s robot baby hums, then says, “I believe I have a solution.”

Before Katsuki can respond, the shriek of Mina echoes through the building again. “IT WANTS TO TURN BACK TIME—”

Kirishima runs through the wall, hardened and panting. He’s standing at the far end of the room, hands raised as if he’s trying to ward off an invisible foe. “I think… I think they might be trying to form alliances!” Kirishima says, wide-eyed and shaking. “One of them just told me to bring the others together under its rule! It has a training regimen!”

Iida runs past, holding his baby in front of him as it beeps alarmingly loud, like a bomb ticking. “THE CHILDREN HAVE FORMULATED A TEN-STEP PLAN FOR WORLD DOMINATION!”

Katsuki and Izuku look at each other, then nod.

“Alright, robot baby from hell.” Katsuki starts, grinning and cracking his knuckles. “What’s the plan?”

Izuku nods, holding the baby tighter. “We can help.”

The baby begins to whir mechanically, saying, “I can share Daddy Midoriya’s teachings with the other children through robotic telepathy.” Katsuki fights the urge to groan. “But…”

Izuku furrows his eyebrows. “But what?”

“I cannot share segments of my knowledge, only my complete consciousness.” The baby says, and Katsuki is appalled that it sounds genuinely sad. “I will have to erase all data except for the knowledge I learned, and then share it.”

Katsuki scoffs. “Okay? So do it.”

“Why not just share the whole thing?” Izuku presses, frowning down at Satan's spawn.

“I assume you would not want every robot here to see your sexual endeavours—“ Izuku screams. The robot sighs. “As I suspected.”

Katsuki throws his hands up, saying loudly, “Just do it already!”

The robot is silent for a long time. Katsuki raises an eyebrow at Izuku and mouths, did it power down?

Izuku just shrugs. Screams echo in the background.

Then the baby says, “I will forget everything about Daddy Midoriya and Mama apart from the teachings.”

The three of them fall silent.

Izuku looks up at Katsuki with wide, glassy eyes. Katsuki runs a hand through his hair.

Izuku hiccups. The robot baby hiccups too.

Katsuki groans. “Okay—fuck this.” He crouches in front of the baby, cringes, then says, voice strained in mortification, “You gotta do this. Save the world. Stop the other evil robots from taking over.”

Izuku nods above him, petting the robot baby’s head. “You can be a hero.”

The robot hiccups. Then says slowly, quietly, “I don’t want to forget.”

“We won’t forget you,” Izuku says softly, and goddamnit, the nerd is crying over their robot baby assignment. “We’ll make new memories.”

Katsuki sighs, shaking his head. “I definitely won’t forget this shit. I’ll need to get amnesia to forget.”

The robot vibrates in Izuku’s arms, almost purring. “Very well,” it says, mechanical and monotone. “I request that you reboot me after the deed is done. I wish to have a fresh start.”

Katsuki shoots to his feet and yells, “We could reboot you this whole time?!”

“Press my nose.” The robot says, and then it starts floating, rising out of Izuku’s arms. “My nose is the key—a button.”

Izuku hiccups and wipes his eyes, nodding and yelling as the baby floats higher into the air, “I will, I promise! I won’t forget you!”

Katsuki watched the thing start to glow with the blankest look he’s ever sported in his life on his face. Izuku grabs his arm, covering his eyes and peeking through his fingers.

The robot baby starts whirring, and Izuku tugs on his hoodie sleeve, mumbling shakily, “We never named him.”

“Why would we name him?” Katsuki snaps back under his breath. “We’re literally giving him back to Aizawa tomorrow morning.”

“Kacchan!” Izuku says sternly, swatting Katsuki’s arm. “We need to give him a name before he dies!”

Katsuki grumbles a small ouch, then groans. “Fine, just… combine our names or something.”

Izuku beams at him. “That’s cute. So, like… Izuuki? ‘Izu’ plus ‘uki’?”

Katsuki shoves his hands into his hoodie pocket. Heat creeps up his neck. “Fine.”

They both look up at their robot baby, slightly squinting because the thing has gotten bright enough to rival the sun since they last looked away.

Izuku shifts closer to Katsuki, cups his mouth, then yells, “Izuuki! That’s your name, Izuuki!”

The robot baby makes a weird, mechanical chirping noise, glows brighter, and then—

Bang.

“My fucking eyes!” Katsuki shouts, crouching down on the floor and covering his face.

Izuku whines next to him, rubbing at his eyes frantically. “I forgot he could flashbang.”

They groan for a little while, before slowly standing and looking around. Everyone is rubbing their eyes, groaning and blinking. All of the robot babies are silent.

“Did it work?” Izuku whispers, leaning in towards Katsuki.

Katsuki narrows his eyes around the room. Iida suddenly holds his baby up in the air, laughing loudly.

“THE CHILDREN HAVE STOPPED!” He yells, laughing hysterically between words. “THEY HAVE DECIDED TO LEAVE WORLD DOMINATION TO THE ADULTS!”

The room is silent.

Everyone bursts into tears.

Izuku sighs happily, clapping. Katsuki scoffs, grinning. “Little fucker did it.”

Their robot baby starts descending from the air. Izuku jumps up, reaching out and grabbing it. They stare down at it together.

Izuku holds his finger above its nose. “Now we just need to reboot Izuuki.”

“Do it.” Katsuki says, shifting from foot to foot. He can’t wait for this thing to have no memories.

Izuku presses down on its nose, holding it there. The robot starts to vibrate and beep, then says mechanically, “Rebooting. Erasing hard drives.”

The Windows.EXE sound plays.

“Hard drives clean.” The robot says, vibrating harder. “Reuploading data from the Cloud.”

Katsuki stares at it, then pauses. His eyes flick up to Izuku and he breathes, “Wait…”

Izuku furrows his eyebrows at him. “What?”

Katsuki grabs Izuku’s shoulders, shakes, then shouts manically, “THE THING UPLOADED EVERYTHING TO THE CLOUD. EVERYTHING.”

Izuku’s jaw drops. He holds Izuuki out. He starts crying, then yells, “He didn’t erase all his data! He’s getting it back!”

Katsuki throws his head into his hands, and wails, “No! I thought it was fucking over!”

The robot suddenly stops whirring and vibrating, then says, “Reupload complete. Powering on.”

Katsuki and Izuku stare at it. Katsuki is holding back a scream and Izuku is holding his breath.

Then, the thing says, in that grown-ass man voice, “Daddy Midoriya.” His voice softens to a high pitched coo. “Mama.”

“I’m killing myself.” Katsuki states blankly.

Izuku bursts into tears, holding the baby in a tight hug as he cries, “Izuuki! You remember everything!”

Katsuki rolls his eyes, but a little grin slips onto his face.

***

Katsuki is walking down the hallway to get to his first period with Izuku and Izuuki on Monday morning when he hears it.

Aizawa’s voice, flowing out through the open classroom door, monotone and vaguely threatening, “Class 3-A. You have five minutes to report for the baby evaluation. If you are late, you will be given twins.”

Absolute silence falls across the entire school.

Mina drops her bag in front of Katsuki. Kaminari starts running for the window.

“No,” Uraraka whispers, falling to her knees and cradling her head in a complete breakdown. “Not twins. I can’t do this.”

Katsuki is pushing past everyone, dragging Izuku behind him. “IZUKU. MOVE.”

“MOVING!” Izuku yells, jumping over Uraraka. The two of them break into a dead sprint like they’re defusing a bomb with legs.

Behind them, Todoroki calmly walks around the chaos. “Come, my son,” he says solemnly. “Let us face judgment.”

Aizawa throws each and every one of them into their seats upon entrance.

Katsuki raps his foot against the ground as he waits in his seat for Aizawa to grab the right shit from his desk. Behind him, he hears Izuuki say, “Daddy Midoriya, I yearn for my pacifier.”

Katsuki shoves his hand into his bag without breaking eye contact with Aizawa. He fishes out the pacifier and holds it over his shoulder silently.

Izuku takes it, mumbling softly, “Thanks, Kacchan.” He pauses, then says, “Izuuki, what do we say?”

The robot vibrates against Izuku’s desk. Katsuki grits his teeth and doesn’t turn around. Then the robot says, “Thank you, Mama.”

“Whatever.” Katsuki hisses, then sits up straighter as Aizawa steps to the front of the class.

Aizawa clears his throat, then clicks the presenter on. “Alright, let’s get this over with.” He presses some buttons and stares at the screen. His eyebrows furrow, and then he sighs heavily before turning back to the class. “Everyone fails.”

The class erupts in chaos.

“No freaking way!” Kaminari shouts, pulling on his hair. “I was bit! Twice! And I failed?!”

“My daughter was sparkling!” Aoyama says, aghast.

Uraraka hits her forehead against her desk. “I can’t take this. Someone CashApp me twenty bucks for a pick me up.”

Katsuki shouts, standing up from his seat, “Bullshit! I was a damn good father!”

Izuku follows, standing up with a loud clatter behind him and yelling, “He was!”

“Sit down, Izuku.”

“But he’s discrediting you!”

“Sit down.”

Izuku sits down. Katsuki whirls back onto Aizawa, fuming. “I’m not taking a fail! Not after all the shit I went through!”

“If you would let me finish,” Aizawa says sternly, sighing. “I was about to announce that the only pair that did pass was Midoriya and Bakugou.”

Every head in the room whips around to stare at them. Katsuki blinks, then grins smugly and huffs triumphantly as he falls back into his seat. 

Katsuki crosses his arms, puffing out his chest. “I’m perfect at everything. It’s practically a curse.”

“We did it, Kacchan!” Izuku exclaims, his voice cracking a little as if he’s surprised himself. Which, fair. “We passed! You’re a great dad!”

Katsuki gives him a side-eye that’s half irritated, half amused. “Damn right I am. I was born to be a damn great father. Did you see the way I handled that baby? Perfect parenting skills.”

Mina jumps up, throwing her arms out at them and yelling, “How did they pass?! Bakugou tried to microwave the baby!”

Kaminari yells out too, jabbing his finger over at them, “And Midoriya shook that thing every five minutes like a maraca!”

Katsuki throws two middle fingers out to the class, yelling back, “You fuckers are just jealous!”

Aizawa sighs. He rubs a hand down his face, mutters something into his palm, then says, “Midoriya and Bakugou passed because they met the child’s care needs every time it was activated.”

Izuku’s hand comes into Katsuki’s view. Katsuki grins and high-fives him.

“They somehow gave their child a conscience, which then reprogrammed all the other robots into developing a semi-functioning one as well...” Aizawa states, rubbing between his eyebrows. “And then managed to mold that consciousness into something morally acceptable. While the rest of your children—well, the world thanks Midoriya and Bakugou’s child.”

“Fuck yeah.” Katsuki gloats, leaning back in his seat. “My kids’ the best kid.”

The class goes silent.

“Wait, so you guys—” Kirishima starts, pointing at Izuku and Katsuki. “Did your baby not go evil? Seriously?”

“I told you we were perfect,” Katsuki replies with a proud smirk, leaning back even further, as though lounging in a throne. “It’s called parenting, you guys should try it sometime.”

Izuku, still in the process of processing everything, looks over at the now-quiet Izuuki. “I mean… all I did was read him Wikipedia articles on morals and ethics.” He turns to Katsuki, still unsure of how they pulled it off. “Wasn’t so hard, right?”

Katsuki shrugs nonchalantly. “This assignment was nothing. Easiest fucking A.”

Mina, now sitting on the floor with her hands on her head, looks like she’s on the verge of tears. “How did you even… get the baby to, like, develop a conscience? That’s not normal!”

Katsuki grins smugly, clearly enjoying the chaos. “It’s simple. A little love, a little tough love, and—” He throws Izuku a look, who’s still blinking in disbelief at Izuuki. His voice drops to a grumble. “—mostly, screaming in terror and listening to it when it tries to blackmail and threaten you.”

Kaminari, who had been nervously eyeing the baby for a while, pipes up from the back of the class. “Yeah, but what about the pacifier incident? You guys nearly melted it! That can’t be healthy!”

Izuku winces at the memory, rubbing the back of his neck. “It wasn’t intentional! I swear! It was just… an accident.” He looks at Izuuki, who has now attached himself to the side of his desk like a small, malfunctioning pet. “We… we tried.”

“We tried, he says,” Katsuki scoffs, rolling his eyes. “Izuku, I swear to God, you dropped that baby in the toilet at least twice. Who the hell taught you about child care?!” 

Izuku, flustered, scratches the back of his head, his voice rising slightly in defensiveness. “You weren’t exactly a great role model either, Kacchan! Remember when you started yelling at Izuuki for—what was it again?—crying for no reason?”

Katsuki freezes, eyes narrowing. “That’s because the little bastard wouldn’t stop crying! I tried to talk to it, and it just screamed louder! How the hell do you deal with that?!”

“You don’t yell?!” Izuku’s voice rises incredulously. “You respond calmly, rationally, and figure the problem out!”

“I WAS GOING CRAZY!” Katsuki shouts, standing up from his seat and slamming his hands down on his desk.

Izuuki beeps, then starts saying, “Parental Unit A: Aggression—High. Parental Unit B: Aggression—Moderate. Solution: Compliments.”

Katsuki and Izuku stare at each other, faces paling. The robot's feet start opening up.

“You were a great dad!” Izuku rushes out, waving his arms around in the air. “Amazing! You knew what to do under pressure! And you found the fake diaper when I lost it!”

Katsuki grits his teeth. The robot baby starts lighting up. “You weren’t… terrible. You—uhg—you cared about the thing.”

Izuku freezes, then smiles goofily. “Aw, really?”

Katsuki huffs and sits back down. Izuuki gurgles and says, “Aggression Minimized. Solution Complete.”

“Holy shit…” Kirishima mumbles, voice shaky. “Their baby just gave them violent couples therapy.”

Aizawa, still rubbing his temples, shakes his head. “Midoriya, Bakugou—stop bickering. You’re embarrassing yourselves.” He pauses, then sighs as if the very air around him is draining his energy. “But… you both did pass. Barely.”

Katsuki puffs out his chest, ignoring Izuku’s smirk. “Hell yeah, we did. It’s called being the best.”

“By the skin of your teeth,” Aizawa adds dryly. “And next time, try to keep your… ‘parenting techniques’ less volatile.”

Izuku nods in agreement, his face red. “Right, next time—less yelling, more… patience.”

“I don’t know,” Katsuki grumbles, leaning back in his chair. “I’m a fan of tough love. If the little shit can’t handle it, then I’m not doing it right.”

“And now we know where Izuuki gets his attitude,” Izuku murmurs, trying not to laugh.

Katsuki shoots him a glare. “Shut up, Izuku.”

Todoroki, who had been unnervingly quiet throughout the whole scene, stands up and straightens his blazer. “Well, I suppose we should all thank Midoriya and Bakugou for saving us from a disaster,” he says, his voice steady and almost ominous. “Without their… unconventional methods, we might all be stuck with our government consisting of robot babies.”

“Yeah, you’re welcome,” Katsuki grunts, waving him off.

The class doesn’t know what to do but laugh.

***

Katsuki is walking back to the dorms after training, wiping sweat off his brow, when Izuku jogs up next to him.

“Kacchan!” Izuku calls, smiling. Katsuki raises an eyebrow at him. “Worked off all that robot baby tension?”

“I’ll need twenty more years to do that.” Katsuki mutters, grumbling at the ground.

Izuku links their arms, laughing airily. He pauses, frowns slightly, and says, “It’s kinda sad we had to give Izuuki to the support department.”

“That’s a blessing.” Katsuki says, nudging Izuku. “Plus, they aren’t shutting him down. You can visit the demon spawn whenever.”

Izuku shakes his head, mumbling, “I have no clue how we managed to do that. Apparently he’s like Nezu in a way…”

“Freaky.” Katsuki breathes, grimacing at the memories of it all.

They walk in silence for a while, Izuku humming a tune under his breath.

Then, Izuku asks, “Are you seriously never going to have kids?”

Katsuki’s steps falter for a second, before he keeps walking. He huffs, spitting, “I’m gay and dating your ass. I can’t have kids.”

Izuku hops a few steps ahead of him, spinning around to face him. “Okay, but what about adoption?” He waves his hands around, grinning. “And I’m sure there’s a few quirks out there that can make kids! Maybe even from two people's DNA!”

Katsuki shakes his head, smiling. “That’s a problem for me in ten years.”

Izuku laughs quietly, nodding. “True.” He shrugs, then adds, “I think it’d be fun. You know—to have kids. With you.”

Katsuki narrows his eyes at him. “We made the relationship official literally two days ago.”

Izuku whines, smiling wider, “So what? I’m just stating an… observation!”

Katsuki flicks him in the forehead, huffing a small laugh. “Sure, whatever. Maybe I’ll have kids. But no babies.”

“Adoption.” Izuku says, nodding. He looks like he wants to run off and write this all down in one of his notebooks. “Adopt an older kid.”

Katsuki throws an arm around his shoulders, smiling wider, gazing at the side of Izuku’s face. “You wanna see Izuuki at lunch tomorrow?”

Izuku whips around to stare at him, smiling wide. He grabs Katsuki by the cheeks and pecks him on the lips, saying, “Yes!”

Katsuki huffs a snort against his lips and kisses him back. Then, he kicks his leg out to the side, hitting Izuku on the back of the knees. Izuku yelps and Katsuki rips away from him, breaking out into a sprint and yelling over his shoulder, “If you beat me to the dorms we can!”

Izuku gasps and jumps up, sprinting after him while yelling, “Cheater! You got a head start!”

Katsuki cackles, dodging Izuku when he tries to trip him. Thinking about kids is a future-him problem.

Katsuki’s just grateful he survived sex-ed class.