Chapter Text
He probably should’ve told his mother after the first time, and after the second time he knew it was too late to get sympathy.
Todd had seemed so kind at the start, but things changed—and changed fast. Kissing became slapping, hugging became shoving, and the protective arm Todd used to throw around his shoulders when they walked together down the hallway at school had become possessive—restrictive. Kellin had been shy at the start, not wanting any negative attention from his classmates or teachers, but Todd had managed to convince him that gazes fixed on them should be perceived as flattering. Anyone who scoffed at them was just jealous of their love, Todd said.
But even that had changed, too. Kellin wasn’t allowed to look at the people who watched them. One day, out of nowhere, Todd had pushed him to the floor in the hallway—causing his books and papers to scatter everywhere—then started yelling at him for checking out some kid named Tony that Kellin didn’t even know. He was in Todd’s grade, not Kellin’s. He only knew Tony by sight and he wasn’t even Kellin’s type…
Kellin told Todd so, but it didn’t change anything. Todd yelled at him until everyone was watching them and a teacher came and told him to stop it. Todd had been escorted to his classroom by the teacher and Kellin was left to pick up his books on his own, cheeks burning with embarrassment as he felt the eyes on his back.
That was the first time Todd had hurt him. Kellin had been so caught off guard and wounded that he’d spent the rest of the school day on the verge of tears, trying hard not to think about it but unable to keep the thoughts at bay.
Todd was such a nice guy, he’d thought. How could he have done something to make him so angry and jealous? But he hadn’t done anything. He didn’t even like Tony. He wasn’t going to check him out… He had been happy with Todd. There was no reason for him to look at someone.
That was what he told Todd that night on the phone. Their relationship probably should’ve ended then. If Kellin had been smart, he knew he would’ve ended it that night. People who loved you didn’t push you onto the floor and scream at you in front of all your peers. A little jealousy was healthy in a relationship, Todd had argued. It was because he loved Kellin so much that it pushed him into a rage when he thought of someone else taking him away.
Stupid Kellin… Stupid, stupid Kellin had taken that as a compliment and he hated himself for it now. If he’d just broken up with Todd then—if he’d stood up for himself at least—it never would’ve gotten this far.
But no, Kellin had accepted the lies Todd told and then began believing them. After the day he was pushed to the ground, he found himself unable to look up from the floor as Todd walked him to class. He didn’t want pushed again or to cause a scene.
Then, after a few more weeks, he learned he didn’t have to do much of anything to earn Todd’s animosity. He was smacked the first time when they’d been eating together in the cafeteria—because he “wasted” a French fry by refusing to eat it after it fell from his tray onto the greasy table.
The other students turned to look but none of the teachers had seen. Kellin held his cheek and stared at Todd in shock, then got to his feet and ran to the bathroom to hide. It really hadn’t hurt that much, but it surprised him. Physically, the pain dissipated in a few minutes, but emotionally he’d been cut so deep by the action.
He felt at war with himself as he hid in the bathroom stall. He saw that this was wrong. He knew you weren’t supposed to hit the people you love. But he saw Todd’s side of things as well. Todd had grown up very poor. There were nights he’d had to go hungry and would cry from it as a child. Of course he would be upset by Kellin refusing to eat perfectly good, safe food. He wished Todd could just say that, though, instead of smacking him and causing a scene.
Kellin had gone from loving attention to hating it. He wanted to be invisible.
By their three month anniversary, Kellin was doing everything he possibly could to disappear into the crowd. He stopped wearing anything with too much color, made sure to keep his head down even when he walked alone in the hallways, and never under any circumstances talked to another student. He didn’t even talk to his friends so long as they were in the high school. He met them for band practice and Todd always supervised.
Gabe and Justin tried so hard to get him to break up with Todd, but it was too late. He wanted to be with Todd and he wanted to make Todd happy—he just wished he could be good enough for him, good enough to stop making him mad all the time. But he wasn’t. He wasn’t good enough to make Todd happy; he couldn’t make anyone happy. Todd was the best he was ever going to get…
Even after the rape.
No… The “sex.” He wasn’t allowed to call it a rape because he’d said yes when they’d started.
He should’ve told his mother. He should’ve told somebody. He wanted out of this poisonous, toxic thing, but he knew that just telling someone wasn’t going to change anything. He was too afraid of Todd to leave him, and too afraid to be alone to even attempt to work up the courage to try. Todd was the only person who gave him worth…
The first time it happened, they’d been alone in Todd’s car, parked behind the old theatre on the edge of town. It was where they used to sit and talk when they’d first started dating. It was where they’d had their first kiss—Kellin’s first ever kiss—and where Todd decided their first time should be.
Kellin had been a little excited, hoping that this would change things. Todd would see how committed he was, how eager and agreeable he was, and everything would get better. Todd wouldn’t have to feel so insecure because he’d know that Kellin was his and just his.
And then it had started to hurt… And then Kellin had started to cry. Todd didn’t stop until his lust was slaked, and then all he had to say to Kellin were cruel jeers.
“You can’t try and change your mind like that. You said yes. It’s a real dick move to try and back out!” And when Kellin argued that he’d been hurting, Todd just grew wickeder. The awful words resonated in Kellin’s mind over and over—all the time that he was alone after it happened. “I don’t see how it hurt you when you’re obviously a fucking whore. Virgins are supposed to be tight. You? Fuck—it was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.”
Kellin had groaned in disgust and cursed at Todd, but the shame ate away at him regardless. He knew he’d never been with anyone else and even though he was sure Todd was just saying those things to be hurtful, he was scared that there was something wrong with him and he really hadn’t been good enough.
He wasn’t good enough…
He never would be.
He’d spent days trying to figure out a way to tell someone what happened to him in the backseat of Todd’s car. He typed it so many times in text messages he wanted to send to Justin, but he knew his straight friends wouldn’t want to hear about it. They’d be grossed out. They’d tell him it was his own fault and he deserved it for not listening to them when they told him to dump Todd in the beginning. He even started trying to tell his mother once, only to have her cut him off to tell him to take out the trash. She didn’t understand where his story was leading and he didn’t blame her, but the interjection just reminded him that no one needed to know.
No one needed to know how low he’d become or how stupid…
Todd wouldn’t do it again. Kellin had been so sure that Todd wouldn’t do it again.
But he did—in Kellin’s own bed. Kellin didn’t even say yes at the beginning, but he didn’t bite down when Todd stuffed his length into his mouth. He consented by not fighting back. That time, Todd’s closing remarks had been just as brutal as in the car.
“God, isn’t there anything you’re good for? How can you fuck up a blow job?”
Kellin knew then that he’d never be good enough for anyone—not Todd, not anyone.
And now it had happened three times. Todd had left him, cold and bleeding, under the bleachers at their school’s football game.
He hadn’t even wanted to come out tonight, but when Todd said they were going, he hadn’t fought. They walked around together, got hotdogs from the concession stand, and cuddled on the bleachers until after halftime. Once everyone had settled back into their seats, Todd had stood up and made Kellin follow him.
Kellin tried to smile and act like he wasn’t afraid when he was led down the bleachers and into the dark underneath. He naively hoped that all Todd would want was privacy for them to make out, but he ended up on his knees in the muddy grass—then on his stomach with his face pressed into the mud and muck.
He’d screamed, but his cries got lost in the cheering overhead. It felt as if people were rejoicing over his agony—he felt like he was being stabbed over and over. There was mud in his hair, then someone’s drink spilled next to his face from the bleachers overhead. He’d never felt so low—so filthy.
He said one word to Todd after it was over, even though he knew of the poison his cruel lover would spit at him.
“Why?”
“Why!? You sit there looking at Tony two rows below us and you ask me why!?”
“I don’t even know him!” Kellin screamed, tears streaking through the mud on his cheeks. “Todd, I didn’t do anything! I love you—this has to stop!”
Todd’s response was to smack him so hard his head cracked into one of the metal support beams of the bleachers.
“You know what? I’ve had enough of your shit! You cheat on me, you never quit running your mouth—you want this to stop? Fine. We’re over! You can walk home.”
Kellin hadn’t expected that and the words struck him to his core. He was in pain and he was already frightened, but the thought of being alone—all alone—left him terrified.
“Todd, no! No—That’s not what I meant! Please!” He didn’t want dumped. He didn’t want to be alone after this. He scrambled to his feet despite the pain that ripped through him and stumbled after Todd, trying to button his jeans as he moved.
He only managed four steps before the pain became too much and he had to stop. He fell down to his knees, his stomach starting to churn, as he watched Todd walk away from him. He tried to call after him and make him come back, but Todd didn’t even pass him another glance.
( ) ( ) ( )
“I’m only going to ask you one more time,” his mother said, pressing the bag of ice to Kellin’s bruised cheek. “What happened to your face?”
“I told you—I tripped on the bleachers,” Kellin whispered. After spending the latter half of the football game under the bleachers crying and trying to gather the strength to move, Kellin took himself to the filthy bathrooms and washed the mud and snot off his face. Todd still wouldn’t answer his calls or texts, driving the spike of fear further into Kellin’s chest. Usually after they fought, Todd would storm off and then call him and profess his love and remorse. But not this time… This time, Todd was serious.
“Right. You tripped and hit one side of your face, and then bruised the other. Is that what you’re telling me?” His mother asked, looking at him with frustration and disappointment. “Who hurt you?”
“No one,” Kellin mumbled.
“Kellin…”
“I told you. I tripped.”
“And you’ve told me that the last fifty times I’ve asked, but I don’t believe you. Is it bullies? Do you need me to call the school?”
“No, Mom. I’m just…clumsy.”
“I’m calling the school on Monday,” she said, convinced he was being picked on since he’d never told her about Todd. She thought they were just good friends, not boyfriends who spent every spare second together.
“Mom, you can’t!”
“Why? So these kids can just keep getting away with beating you up? No. I won’t have it. I want to know you’re safe when you’re on their grounds. With how much I pay for tuition, they should keep a better eye out for bullies. I don’t care if it was a football game. They should have better security!”
“It’s not bullies. There’s nothing security could have done. I told you, I tripped.”
“And you’re lying. I can always tell when you’re lying because your lip starts twitching.” His mother started petting his hair, frowning as she picked part of a dried, brown leaf from the black strands. “I wish you’d just tell me who did it, Kellin. I could get them expelled.”
“I tripped, Mom,” Kellin said, staring at the tile floor of the bathroom.
“Alright. If that’s the story you’re sticking with… Here, give me the ice. I’ll put it back in the freezer for when you get out of the shower. Your hair is just filthy.”
Kellin sighed and handed her the ice pack, already missing its cold pressure on his cheek. Once his mother left the room, he slowly started to undress, trying not to catch his reflection in the mirror. He didn’t want to see the scars Todd had left on him or the new bruises he knew would be on his hips and thighs.
There were streaks of blood in his underwear and he knew he was going to have to hide them and throw them away later to keep his mother from finding out. He’d had to do it with the pair he’d worn that first night in the backseat of Todd’s car, but the bleeding had been much worse that time.
As soon as he was undressed, Kellin stepped into the shower. The warm water immediately worked to soothe him, washing away the filth even though it never really made him feel clean. The stream of water caused the aches from his bruises flare up as it struck him, causing him to look down at his hips and sides.
There was a gash on one knee and a dark bruise on the other, his left thigh had finger marks on it and his right hip had more of the same. A reddish, orange smear of blood was making its way down his leg and spreading across the floor of the tub on its way to the drain. The sight made his stomach churn and he turned his face away, tears rimming his eyes.
I love you, Todd had said—many, many times. I love you, I care about you, I just want to see you happy.
So why had he done this? Why had he beaten him? What had Kellin done to make him so hateful and angry? He knew he wasn’t perfect, but he didn’t understand how he’d become so awful that Todd hated him.
Not only did Todd damage his body, he’d dumped him immediately after the fact. He wasn’t just throwing a fit like he did sometimes. He didn’t call to apologize this time or hurry back over to help Kellin up off the ground. He’d yelled at him and he’d left him in the mud. He said they were over…
He’d left Kellin behind—left him alone. And after being with Todd for more than six months, Kellin was scared to be by himself. He didn’t know who he was anymore without Todd. Todd had stripped him of everything he’d ever had—everything he’d ever been—from his cheerful disposition to the clothing he’d worn. Kellin didn’t know what to do with himself except for try to call Todd after his shower and apologize for whatever he’d done wrong. He would beg for forgiveness and promise to do better—to be more worthy of the love they’d had in the beginning.
He was stupid. He was foolish. He knew what Gabe and Justin would have to say to him when he told them what happened. They’d cheer—they’d say it was a good thing. They wouldn’t understand that Kellin didn’t know how to function without Todd telling him what to do. They just wouldn’t understand how hard even the littlest of decisions would be now that he wouldn’t have Todd’s opinion to help guide him.
Was he still supposed to wear the clothes Todd approved of or should he go back to wearing what Todd had deemed inappropriate and too commanding of attention?
Kellin stayed in the shower until he’d stopped crying, then began the daunting task of sneaking back into his bedroom to change into pajamas before his mother could spot him in his towel. He had bruises on his elbows he didn’t want her to fuss over and he definitely didn’t want the blood to start running down his leg in front of her. The bruises he could lie away until his mother forgot about them—the blood, he knew, he could not. She was oblivious to his plight, but she wasn’t stupid.
He made sure to throw his soiled clothes in the bathroom hamper save for his blood-stained boxer briefs. He tucked those under his arm and peered out the bathroom door to look for his mother. When he was sure she wasn’t on her way up the stairs, he opened the door the rest of the way and hurried into his bedroom—locking the door behind him.
He hid the pair of underwear between his mattress and the frame of his bed—to be buried in the bottom of the garbage can after his mother went to sleep—then started to get dressed. He had to line his fresh boxer briefs with a wad of tissues to keep the blood from ruining them as well, then put on a pair of his baggiest pajama pants and a long-sleeved shirt to hide the marks on his elbows.
When he took his towel back into the bathroom to put it in the hamper, his mother was hurrying up the stairs with the ice pack again.
“Are you feeling any better?” She asked him, pressing the ice to his face for him and rubbing his cheek with her other hand.
“I’m fine, Mom,” Kellin said, shying away from her touch and taking the icepack into his own hand.
She stared at him with concern, a frown pulling at the corners of her lips. He should tell her. He knew he should, but what would he even say? “Mom, I’ve had a boyfriend for half a year I never told you about—oh, and he raped me. And it’s the third time it’s happened.” Yeah, she’d take that so well. Kellin shuddered at the thought of it.
“I wish you’d tell me what’s been going on. You’ve been acting so strange lately. I’m worried about you.”
“I’m fine—”
“No you’re not! You hardly eat, you wear the same three outfits over and over again—I never get to see you smile anymore. What’s happened to you?” She was looking at him with so much worry, but he couldn’t get himself to say anything. He slipped back into his bedroom and tried to keep his head down so she couldn’t see the tears trying to spill over again. He’d cried enough. He didn’t want to be that pathetic anymore. “Kellin!”
“I just want to go to bed. Can I please just go to bed, Mom? I’m tired.” Kellin walked over to his desk and picked up his cell phone, checking for messages. His heart leapt a bit when he saw a text message from Todd, but as soon as he read it, that small spark of hope was crushed.
I can’t believe you cheated on me with Chris Hernandez. Good luck finding someone else who puts up with your shit.
Kellin couldn’t suppress the pained noise that climbed up his throat. Why did Todd think he’d cheated with Chris? He didn’t even like Chris. Todd knew that!
What are you talking about??? I love you! I’d NEVER cheat on you! I NEVER cheated on you! Kellin texted him, his hand shaking.
“Kellin? What’s the matter?”
“Nothing! Leave me alone! I don’t want talk about it—don’t you get that?” He couldn’t look at her as he yelled, ashamed and fearful that she’d turn on him just like Todd. He didn’t want her to hate him, but he didn’t want her to watch him fall into ruin either. He needed space—he just needed time to think.
“Fine,” she said, her tone harsh. “I was trying to help you, Kellin. You don’t need to raise your voice.” When she left his room, she closed the door firmly behind her and he could hear her stomping rapidly down the stairs.
Slowly he sank down onto his bed—immediately having to lay on his back after sitting sent a bolt of pain up his spine—and stared at his phone, waiting for another message from Todd. Nothing came through. Kellin sent him another text asking for Todd to listen to him, believe him, but he still didn’t get an answer. He tried to call and even left a voicemail, but Todd maintained his silence.
He must be sick, Kellin thought, to be trying so hard to get ahold of his rapist—to feel sick with anxiety over not being able to get him on the phone. He was really just that pathetic though, wasn’t he? To need Todd’s approval even when Todd was the one who had caused him to fall so low. He couldn’t help it, though.
He was no one if he wasn’t Todd’s boyfriend. He had nothing if he didn’t have Todd.
Nothing.
Nothing…