Chapter Text
Stan stares absently at the computer screen, where the word "WASTED" mockingly flashes across its entire width. He's been sitting there for several minutes, running his finger across the keyboard but not touching the keys. The letters form words in his mind, and then a single sentence that Stan can't remember. The world seems muted to him, and he'd be glad if everyone would leave him alone for a few days. His half-drunk energy drink, his school books, and the flickering screen of his cell phone create a background that's more irritating than relaxing.
Stan sighs heavily and rests his head on the table.
What are you sighing about? You live a life that is the envy of many in your city and beyond. You should be grateful, you useless piece of shit.
His stomach rumbles unpleasantly, more from nerves than from hunger. Stan needs to study for a midterm test, but he puts it off until the last minute. Thoughts are randomly generated in his head and just as quickly disappear, leaving behind a bitter aftertaste of disappointment.
Stan feels like he's going crazy.
Really, he probably shouldn't have spent the entire night playing games to distract himself. Stan is aware that he's running from his own thoughts, but he doesn't want to think about that either. He turns off the computer and stretches in his chair. Trying to hide the mess he’s made, he sweeps all the trash into the top drawer of his desk, throws the sheets of paper with unfinished homework into his backpack, and hears a knock on the door.
“Stanley, are you awake? It’s time to go.”
His mother’s caring voice warms his heart, but even this doesn’t free Stan from the painful feeling that everything in his life is going wrong. All the way to school, he plays through the moments of his childhood in his head. It seems that it was during that period of time that he felt the happiest in the world. Although it sometimes seemed to him that the world had lost its colors, there was always a ray of sunshine in his life, warming and illuminating his entire existence.
After all, at that time, Kyle was always next to him.
***
The relationship between them is truly strained now. It's not like Kyle is intentionally ignoring Stan. They exchange a few words when they meet at school, smiling awkwardly, but that's where it ends. Their friendship has changed irreparably over time. From being the best friends in the world, they've become almost strangers who only see each other at school, and it really hurts Stan. He wants to be a part of Kyle's life, wants him to share with him all the important things in his life. He wants everything to be like before.
"Are you thinking about your failed love life again?"
"Oh, get off," Cartman's voice jolts Stan out of his stupor, and he remembers that his lunch is still untouched in front of him. How long has it been since he's eaten? A day?
“See, I guessed it right,”Cartman stretches into a satisfied smile and continues to chew beef with pleasure, telling Kenny about his latest brilliant idea.
Something really does remain unchanged, Stan thinks, and his soul still becomes a little lighter.
However, at the next break, his stomach seems to turn over when Stan sees Kyle in the company of new friends. A mixture of envy and disappointment overwhelms him, but he immediately pulls himself together and turns away so as not to provoke himself. And it's not that Kyle can't be friends with someone else. Stan is only happy to see his friend having a good time. Kyle laughs, gesticulates actively and shows something on his phone, not paying attention to everything around him. Stan feels like he's about to throw up from excitement, but with an effort of will he takes the first step.
Am I not good enough for him?
“Kyle,” Stan approaches the group, catching questioning glances at himself. He doesn't pay attention to them. The only thing that matters to him is the person in front of him. “Are you... free today after school?”
Kyle thinks for a second, and then makes a sad face. For the first time, Stan can't say for sure how much of this emotion is feigned.
“Sorry, I promised to help the guys with their homework. Maybe next time?”
Kyle smiles at him, waves goodbye and hurries out of the school with his new friends, leaving Stan behind.
Kenny touches Stan's shoulder in sympathy, but understands that he is not able to completely relieve his friend of bitterness.
“People change,” Kenny whispers, not hiding the fact that he is not happy with the changes in their lives.
“I know.”
Is everything that happened between us already in the past?
***
“Go to hell, bitch!”
“Go to hell yourself, idiot! All these years I thought we had a chance!”
Stan froze in the doorway, unable to move.
His parents often fought, and there was nothing surprising about it. Their fights could happen almost several times a day, but they always followed by reconciliation. Stan could even say that he got used to it, it seemed like a kind of game to keep the spark in the relationship.
This time, however, he feels that something is wrong. An unhealthy gleam in Randy's eyes, unlike alcohol or drugs, and a tremor in Sharon's voice scream that something is wrong. Something has changed, and Stan is sure that this time it is serious.
Sharon, not noticing her son, climbs the stairs, shouting curses after Randy. Randy runs his fingers through his hair, tugging nervously as he paces the room. Finally, he sees Stan out of the corner of his eye, and for a second he shudders at the realization that Stan saw everything. With a heavy sigh, Randy grins unkindly and sits down on the couch.
“Well, congratulations, son, our mother has a new boyfriend.”
The words leave a sharp pain in his chest, and Stan feels his vision blur, just like when he was 10. The only difference is that now Stan really doesn’t believe that everything can be fixed, but a fading hope for the best burns in his heart. He nods silently to his father, pursing his lips, and follows Sharon. Every step up the stairs creaks, but Stan hears only the sound of blood in his ears. He carefully approaches the door to his parents’ room and sees Sharon throwing things into an open suitcase.
This is the end.
Stan crawls to his room, completely unconscious, and closes the door, sliding down the wall to the floor.
The entire house turns completely silent.
***
luminousgirl: Parents did what???
stanleyxo: yeah
Stan tries not to punch the wall with his fist. It's been an hour since he got home, but it feels like it's been at least a year since he went up to his room.
The realization of what's happening is only now catching up with him. Are his parents really getting a divorce? What's going to happen to his mom, where the hell is she even going? To a new love? Stan clenches his fists even harder, but he can't help but notice that this is best for Sharon. He hopes that this new boyfriend of hers is at least better than his dad. At least in some way. At least a little.
It's good that my sister is in college. At least she doesn't have to see all this fucking shit.
stanleyxo: mom's leaving
stanleyxo: probably for a new lover
luminousgirl: Oh shit.
Stan sighs imagining how Shelley feels right now. As she's gotten older she's become more responsible and less angry. She still has her tantrums but at least she's learned to control them. As for their relationship, it's surprisingly improved. Shelley has become a real big sister, caring and maybe a little overprotective, but Stan is happy to have her to rely on in those moments.
luminousgirl: I'm worried about you, Stan.
luminousgirl: I know this is weird coming from the person who bullied you your entire childhood, but you know I love you.
stanleyxo: yeah
luminousgirl: Let's face it, our dad is a total asshole and I wouldn't want you alone with him.
luminousgirl: Mom's not any better, of course. I can't forgive her for leaving you alone with him.
luminousgirl: Aren't we her kids anyway? Why didn't she tell us?
luminousgirl: We're not stupid, we saw how bad her relationship with her dad was.
luminousgirl: Ugh, I'm mad. Really. Sorry for the spam.
stanleyxo: when are you coming?
luminousgirl: In a month, for Christmas.
stanleyxo: oh
stanleyxo: okay
luminousgirl: Stan.
stanleyxo: ?
luminousgirl: Can you stay with your friends for a while?
Stan smirks and puts his phone down. No matter how you look at it, he finds the idea absolutely disgusting. And who would he go to? Cartman who would demand to kiss his balls every minute to live on his property? Or Kenny who already has so many problems that adding more to his load would not only be wrong, it would be horribly unfair?
stanleyxo: haha
stanleyxo: very funny
luminousgirl: Stanley, I'm not kidding.
stanleyxo: honestly? this is a shitty idea
luminousgirl: Why?
luminousgirl: I'll talk to Kyle's parents, I don't think they'll mind.
stanleyxo: woah woah wait
stanleyxo: who said i wanted to live with Kyle
luminousgirl: Stan, it's for your own safety.
luminousgirl: I don't know what our dad would do when he's angry.
luminousgirl: I don't think he's capable of anything serious, but I'd never forgive myself if he dragged you down with him out of desperation.
stanleyxo: you don't understand
stanleyxo: i can't live at kyle's house
luminousgirl: Why? Aren't you, like, the best friends in the world?
stanleyxo: ha
stanleyxo: you don't know much
stanleyxo: it's complicated
luminousgirl: Stan. Please. I’m begging you.
stanleyxo: i'll talk to him first
stanleyxo: what does he think about this
stanleyxo: don't call anyone (unread)
Stan gets out of bed and paces the room. He paces like a maniac, unable to find a place for himself. How did Shelley even come up with such nonsense? No, sleepovers were common as a kid, but this is a different story. And he doesn't have friends close enough to just drop in for a few weeks. And Kyle...
Again, it's complicated.
This is the last option Stan is willing to take. But Shelley is right. He has only recently managed to pull himself out of a particularly severe depressive episode and if his father were to slip into a downward spiral now it would be extremely difficult for him to stay afloat. After all, he loves him and is emotionally involved in his problems no matter how much of an asshole he is.
Oh, shit.
Stan throws on his jacket, stuffs his phone charger, money, and cigarettes into his pocket just in case, and slips out into the hallway. Sharon's sobs can be heard from behind the door of his parents' room. Probably all the bags are already packed and she has one last strong-willed decision to make. This strengthens his desire to leave this house for as long as possible. Stan goes down the creaking stairs, but his father does not notice his son or the sounds his footsteps make. His gaze is glued to the TV, where a beer video is playing for the fifth time during the commercial break.
Already leaving the house, Stan understands that there is not much time left before nightfall. Such a tight deadline makes his brain work faster, and anxious thoughts spin more often and intensely. However, Stan has made this decision and will go through with it, even if he is refused.
On the way, Stan secretly hopes that he will not find Kyle at home. After all, he promised his new friends to help with their homework. Who knows, maybe he is still at one of their houses. This thought sits in Stan's head like an unpleasant splinter, and he bites his cheek. The only thing worse would probably be if his friends barged into his house and are still there. Then he will show himself to be a complete loser not only in front of Kyle, but also in front of his friends. It will be even worse if Kyle says what a disgusting, selfish, self-centered asshole Stan is. The thought is not without common sense, but still quite irrational and Stan realizes this but continues to be afraid.
Finally, Stan reaches the familiar house and knocks on the door. He hears the footsteps, and his heart skips a beat when the door is opened.
“Stan?”
“Oh, you're here,” Stan says in one breath, realizing that there is no way back.
“Of course I'm here. Did you see what time it is?” Kyle leans his shoulder on the door frame, anxiously looking at his friend.
“Can I come in for a while?” Stan feels that now everything will end for him, he will get a refusal and "I don't want to see you." He scolds himself for the fact that all his thoughts are filled with negativity, but he can't do anything about it.
“Of course,” Kyle answers without thinking and takes Stan by the sleeve, dragging him deeper into the living room.
The familiar smell of old wooden cabinets and fresh baked goods hits his nose, and Stan is ready to burst into tears right there from the feeling that he is finally home. He hasn't been here for so long, but everything seems to remain dimensionless except for a few details: a couple of portraits have been added to that wall, and the carpet in the hallway has become a little more worn. A slight nostalgic sadness becomes a saving grace for Stan, saving him from falling into the abyss.
The boys sit down on the couch, and an awkward silence falls between them.
“Shelley wants me to stay with you for a month.”
“Wha…” Kyle looks at his friend in confusion, as if he had just admitted that he loved Cartman.
“I know it sounds really weird, but-”
“Stanley!!” Sheila, hearing a familiar voice, flies out of the kitchen and freezes for a moment in disbelief. She sits down next to Stan and hugs him, to which Kyle gives an even more confused “Wha…” “Shelley called me and told me everything. Oh, my boy, I’m so sorry…”
Stan feels like he’s about to burst into tears from the awkwardness and pain that finds release under Sheila’s protective embrace.
“Stan, what’s going on?” There’s agitation in Kyle’s voice that warms Stan’s soul. He doesn't mean to worry his friend, but knowing that even after all this time, he's still worried about him makes the spark of hope burn a little brighter.
"His parents are getting a divorce and his mother is leaving home," Sheila answers for Stan, but Stan doesn't even mind, because if he says a word, he'll burst into tears.
"Shit," Kyle curses, and Sheila doesn't even reprimand him, realizing how extraordinary this situation is. She lets go of Stan, getting up from the couch.
"Dinner's almost ready. Stanley, you're always welcomed in our house. I think Kyle feels the same way."
Sheila returns to the kitchen, and the room falls into an oppressive silence again. Kyle tries to find the right words, but finds the strength to only clench and unclench his fists. Stan is still trying not to cry.
Kyle finally exhales.
“Kyle, I-“
“Stan, why didn't you text me right away when this happened? Why am I finding out about such important things from my mom?” There is hurt and indignation in his voice. Stan doesn't know what to say. That he thinks that Kyle is deliberately avoiding him and doesn't even want to think about communicating again? That Stan has become some kind of vestige in Kyle's life and that without him, things would be easier and better?
“I wanted to, but it's like... I don't know, dude, it's like I fell down some kind of rabbit hole from Alice in Wonderland,” Stan leans back on the couch, nervously picking at a hangnail on his index finger. “Do you mind if I stay at your house for a while?”
“Dude, are you serious? Ever since you moved to another neighborhood, I thought I'd go crazy with boredom. Of course, this is not the kind of circumstance under which I wanted you to come back to this area... Of course I don't mind,” Kyle sighs heavily, looking away. Stan's heart sank letting the words go in one ear and out the other and seeing only a heavy sigh from his best friend.
Is he… disgusted by me?