Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

My mom died when I was born, great way to start a story huh? I guess I could crack some jokes about it, but it doesn't change my father's broken heart. Or how he killed himself 4 years later, Fatherless and Motherless, right? 

Maybe I should change the subject? 

My brother Oda was raised by them both, a happy alpha and alpha relationship. My mother was beautiful, with long wavy auburn hair just like 'Saku. Oda still says she was the most gentle human being to ever exist. At least, that's what I've heard since I've only met her once; the day I was born. He also said she had quite a strict attitude, often scolding 'Saku a lot during his middle school days. But, Oda said he drove them both insane when he was a young teen. So, maybe he deserved the scolding he got.

All I remember from my mother is her face, they say you forget your infant memories; but maybe I locked that it was important. She had the most gentle look in her eyes, those dark blue irises running back and forth to look at me. But, needless to say that was the last and only time I ever met her. 

Now, my father is often compared to me, dark brown hair, deep amber eyes and if you met him; you would've been terrified due to intimidation. But, that man was so deeply in love with his mate, he imprinted on her the first date. All I remember of him was his gentle sad smile, I like to call it his "regret" smile. A smile that felt so forced, it was almost haunting. It always felt like he only lived on for the promise made to my mom, to stay for me and Oda. Too bad he's shit at fucking promises.

Moments before he killed himself, he told me how sorry he was, how he couldn't live without Tane. I remember the moment vividly. He handed me a phone, make sure to call the police in an hour. The handgun was on the table, when I was a kid I thought we were playing a game. He convinced me the gun would go off and we would call the police as a prank. 4 year old me really believed that lie. 

When the police showed up, they kept me away from the bathroom. I kept asking where he was, and if the game was over. I sat in the police car until Oda came to the house, of course my little brain couldn't process why he was breaking down in front of me. Or why my brother was hugging me so tight. 

Oda was 16 years older than me, and in school at the time, 2 years into college. I was a miracle baby, my mom was warned we could both die in the birth. She was already told after Oda, he would be her last child. But she was stubborn, one ear out the other with the doctors. So she got pregnant with little me, trying the waters with god or whatever. Too high on the pheromones to care about the repercussions, as 'Saku says. 

At 4 I felt a lot of guilt depending on Oda, even though dad's life insurance fund took care of us; Oda still had to graduate as fast as possible. I tried not to be too much of a burden, helping as much as I could. 

Things got better for us when 'Saku was hired at a police station. We had to sell the house and move across the country. New York to California, when I was 6. I was very behind on English, since Oda didn't have the time to teach me. It was better in San Fran, lots of Japanese people around, and teachers. I knew nothing about reading or writing English. I knew the Japanese alphabets by heart, none of the "abc" crap America had. I also hadn't gone to school yet. 

I was a smart kid so it was easy to get used to English, Math, History ect. My best friend, or enemy was Kunikida, he was the only other kid that spoke Japanese. I used to make jokes in class and mess around, it annoyed the shit out of him. I think because he knew that I was extremely intelligent, but didn't do homework, and just aced my tests. 

Back then, Kunikida had the ugliest bowl cut, but I feel like every Asian kid did. Except, Oda made sure I didn't get one, plus bowl cuts don't really work on wavy hair. But Kunikida's was buzzed underneath, he used to punch me for making fun of it. 

By 4th grade Ranpo came into our friend group, lazy and funny. I think together we make the perfect, "Piss off Kunikida duo" truly we would get in so much trouble together. There was this one time we stole all the red and pink markers out of the Crayola boxes, and everyone was making Valentine's cards. It was fucking hilarious to see outer peers cry because there weren't any markers. 

I miss those days, doing stupid shit. But the biggest mistake I made was when I was 13. My heaviest, and happiest regret I've ever had the purchase of claiming.

To tell you the whole story, I gotta go back to 6th grade, 2nd semester.

Little Dazai Osamu.

-

"Kunikida you got rid of your bowl cut" I snickered.

"Shut the fuck up" He hissed back.

"Yeah he might actually get a partner" Ranpo laughed.

"Nah, with that ugly face he's not gonna get any omegas" I rolled my eyes with a smirk.

"Bold of you to assume Daz, he wouldn't be an omega" Ranpo walked into the class first.

"That is bold of me"

"Both of you, stop it!" Kunikida sighed out with a tinge of annoyance, "My parents are betas, I'm probably going to be a beta" 

"You're such a pipsqueak though, so tiny n cute 'Kida, you've got to be an omega" Ranpo pet through his new haircut, "You've even got a pretty haircut to match your presenting"

"Off!" Kunikida smacked his hand away.

"Look he's reacting to our pheromones" I laughed.

"You guys don't even have those yet, dumbasses" Kunikida snapped back.

"What do you mean I totally have alpha pheromones coming at you!" I waved my arms near him, Ranpo copying me. 

"I fucking hate you guys, you're so stupid" Kunikida chuckled a little, pinching his temple.

"Ranpo, Dazai, Kunikida..." The teacher raised a brow.

"What!? I wasn't doing anything!" Kunikida groaned.

"You were encouraging the behavior" She put her hands on her hips, "Now sit in your assigned seats" Her tone was sharp, and demanding.

All our seats were spread apart, all the teachers already talked crap about how all three of us together were hell on earth. It wasn't until middle school that an unknowing teacher would assign us together, hopefully, I smirked.

"Alright class, let's all start with icebreakers" Mrs. Jackson started the class.

Another kid ran into the class last minute, bright ginger hair, and blue eyes. His hair was short, along with his height. Something seemed off about him, as he sat down in his seat, the name on the placker, Chuuya. 

I didn't really pay any mind, nor did I care, "Lets start with, your names, where you were born, and an unbelievable fact that is true about you" The teacher said, "Starting with, Kunikida"

"My name is Doppo Kunikida, but I like to be called Kunikida" He started, "I was born in Los Angeles, California, and I can solve any math in my head, like a calculator" 

"Mmn hmm" The teacher nodded. A few more students went, then it came down to Ranpo in the middle.

"My name's Ranpo Edogawa, I was born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, moved to San Francisco 3 years ago..." He paused, "I can find almost anything that's lost, I just sense it" He shrugged.

More peers went as I grabbed out a notebook, I knew Mrs. Jackson would give us a lot of homework. She was known for that, plus, I actually had to do it because 50% of my grade was homework.

"えっと... My name is Chuuya Nakahara... Born in Osaka, 日本... I'm half 日本人..." Me, Ranpo, and Kunikida looked towards the kid.

"I'm sorry, Neehan gin?" The teacher tilted her head.

"Nihon jin, Mrs. Jackson!" Ranpo corrected her.

"What did he say?" A kid whispered.

"He said, he was born in Osaka, Japan, he's half Japanese" Kunikida translated.

"Yes" Chuuya mumbled, he looked so embarrassed.

"Ah, it's okay Chuuya, a big move from Japan to America must be tough, especially with two parents that only speak Japanese"

"僕のパパは英語がわかってる" Chuuya rolled his eyes, whispering under his breath.

I snickered a little, at the comment, "What's so funny Osamu?" The teacher raised her eyebrow.

"He's not stupid, his dad speaks English, getting Nihon, and Japan mixed up is common, I had trouble with it" I smirked.

"Well, this is America, he'll have to adjust because we speak English here" She stuck up her nose.

"Can you speak another language Mrs. Jackson?"

"No"

"Seems like Chuuya is a lot smarter than you" I cracked.

"Güera..." The Hispanic kids snickered.

"Okay Dazai, how about a pop quiz right now" She smiled.

"Sure" I shrugged.

"Tell me what an pseudonym is" She smiled.

"Author's signature name, like J.W. Griffith..." I answered.

"Jubilation"

"Great happiness"

"Demagogue"

"To lead the people" I smirked, "Mrs. Jackson, I should warn you I read dictionaries for fun" I giggled.

"How about this one, Referral"

"It means you're mad I was right" I cracked my fingers.

"Go to the office, Osamu" She handed me the yellow paper, I grabbed it gladly and walked out of the class.

This meant I had to sit until recess, which was ass. I hoped Kunikida would get the homework for me, he usually did that. I walked all the way up to the office.

"What was it this time, Dazai?" The front lady asked, "On the first day too?"

"Mrs. Jackson is racist" I mumbled.

"Racist?"

"She said to the immigrant kid, how we speak English, this is America" I rolled my eyes.

"Mmm mm, I woulda threw some hands" The office lady scoffed under her breath.

"Do I get out of detention?" I smiled, hopeful.

"No" She deadpanned.

"Aww" I turned to the empty desks.

When I went into the detention area, there sat my biggest rival. Fyodor, or Fyo as people called him, he was held back a year for wreckless behavior. "Wreckless behavior" being he stabbed a kid in the eye with a sharpened broken spork. She made it out with her eye fine, but the dude gave me crazy school-shooter feelings. He practically bullied me the first 4 years of elementary school. We've been separated ever since I threw his head into a concrete wall.

He laughed when I did it.

I sat down in the desk farthest from him, not trying to invoke anything between us. I pulled out my notebook for poems, I liked to write them when I was bored.

"Osamu" 

I ignored his voice, reading my previous haikus and English poems. I felt a little paper ball hit the side of my head, and then another one. I was trying my best to ignore all of the balls landing on my fucking notebook.

"What?!" I snapped, "What could you possibly want Fyo?" I looked at him.

"Hey"

"Hey?!" I scoffed.

"What do you think you're gonna present as?" He asked, he was a year older than me.

"Beta probably"

"Oh? So confident" 

"My brother is an alpha already, so that's that"

"What if you present as omega?"

"My father's side of the family is all Beta, my mother's parents were both alpha, so it's impossible" I said.

"It's too bad if you turn out beta"

"Why?"

"My pheromones are really strong, they'd effect you, but you're pre-presented, got in here for making a teacher submit" He chuckled, "I just thought it would be interesting to see you grovel"

"Where is this conversation going to?" I asked, "Even if I was alpha, I wouldn't present until middle school, or at the earliest the end of this year, we would be in separate classes" I raised a brow.

"You're right, it's too bad, you'd make a cute omega too" He snickered.

If you could see my face it was disgusted, "Cute omega" I repeated, trying not to throw up.

"Yeah, I've never had someone throw a punch back, let alone make me bleed" He smirked, "I have to say I left with a little crush on you"

"Okayy..." I looked back at my book, I definitely did not feel the same way. Plus I was only 11! Crushes were fucking weird.

"Dazai, tell me, you have any crushes?"

"No, I'm 11"

"What about Kunikida?"

"That ugly mug? No, he's my best friend" I giggled, even the thought was fucking hilarious.

"What if he was an omega?"

"Still would be my friend, I don't think of him that way" I scoffed with a little laugh.

"Ever watch porn?"

"No, I-" I got red, "I don't watch that stuff" 

"Innocent, and clueless" He smiled.

"I'm going to stop this conversation" I said, looking away. 

"Adult conversations make you nervous?"

I kept quiet, continuing my poems, not giving him what reaction he wanted. Of course I had come across porn once or twice, but I don't fucking watch it, religiously. This freak probably fucking did, I think he was trying to get a disgusted reaction out of me.

The time continued until it was lunch, which we all had together. I practically dashed to get out of that detention room. Something was mentally wrong with that guy.

I went behind Kunikida, grabbing him by the neck, pulling him in to ruffle his hair, "Dazai!" He groaned.

"Whassup guys"

"How was detention?" Ranpo asked.

"Fyo was in there"

"So, terrible" Ranpo chuckled.

"Something like that" We stopped in front if the bathroom, "Why are we at the restroom?" 

"We're waiting for Nakahara-kun" Kunikida pushed off my arm.

"Oh, the redhead?" I raised a brow.

"Yeah, the ginger" Ranpo smiled.

"Are we?-"

"I think so, we've been a trio for far too long, gotta be the quad squad soon" Ranpo smiled.

"We have to have the interrogation first" Kunikida smiled.

"Interrogation?" Chuuya came out, our eyes meeting.

"Yeah, we're thinking of you becoming part of the trio, but you have to pass our interrogation" Ranpo smiled with a thumbs up.

"Yep, we've considered you cool enough to join us" Kunikida crossed his arms.

"Oh.." Chuuya chuckled.

"What? What's wrong?" Ranpo asked.

"I just thought..." His eyes looked around, "I wouldn't get friends in California"

"Well, don't worry about that" I mentioned, watching Ranpo walk towards the cafeteria.

"Well, let's get something to eat" Ranpo motioned me over, "Chuuya, do you have a free lunch?"

"My Nee-chan packed me a bento" He pointed to the package.

"Onee-san?" Ranpo arched a brow up.

"Oh! I meant, my mom, Nee-chan just gave it to me" Chuuya smiled.

Kunikida and Chuuya walked to find our normal table. Ranpo's mom had an important job, so he had no bentos. And, well, Oda barely knew how to cook rice, and Golden Curry, I had to teach myself to cook. Me and Ranpo both got hamburgers, and some terrible iceberg lettuce salads.

I heard from Oda the ones in Japan are much better. Or at least that's what I hope, I've only been to Japan once, since my parents passed, our family doesn’t contact often. I sat down at the table, all of us huddling in the corner.

"Let the interrogation begin" Ranpo chomped on his hamburger.

"Alright, first question, are you Japanese?" Kunikida asked.

"Uh, yeah" Chuuya gave an annoyed look.

"Second question, why do you have red hair?" Ranpo blurted.

"I-" Chuuya fumbled, "Father is Irish" He made himself smaller.

"I'm a quarter white" I said briefly. 

"Wait, what?! You've been wasian this whole time?" Ranpo's hamburger fell out of his mouth.

"My grandmother was Scottish, that's why Oda has red hair and blue eyes" I shrugged. 

"Whether you have white in you is irrelevant, you're Japanese, raised with the culture" Kunikida ticked his eyebrow in anger.

"But, Dazai, you didn't say anything about being w-"

"Shut it! Let's continue the conversation" Kunikida cut him off, "Okay, third question, do you like to play video games?"

"Oh, yeah, favorite is Final Fantasy" Chuuya lit up, "And Persona"

"Perfect, fourth question, are you not normal?" Kunikida asked.

"What does that mean?" Chuuya's eyebrows furrowed.

"Are you like and outcast, don't get along with other kids, ect." I translated to Japanese.

"Oh, yeah, that's why I thought I wouldn't get along with anyone" Chuuya bit on his words.

"Last question, do you like anime?" Kunikida closed the notebook.

"Uh, cho- a little" Chuuya looked scared.

"Hmm" Ranpo stroked his non-existant goatee.

"They're not actually thinking about it, you passed" I whispered in his ear.

"Oh, goodness" Chuuya breathed out.

"You ruined the suspense!" Ranpo exclaimed.

"You guys were scaring him!" I fought.

Kunikida stared at us both, sighing out, "Those two can argue for hours" He whispered to Chuuya, as me and Ranpo continued to bicker.

"Well, that's what you guys did with me!" He spat.

"Yeah cause you could handle it!"

"I cried!"

"Yeah, you were a baby-"

"I was 9!"

"Baby"

"Guys" Kunikida stated.

"You're the baby!"

"Guys" Kunikida strictly warned.

"Nu-uh I am not!" 

"Guys!" Kunikida yelled.

"Yeah" We chimed.

"We have to initiate the spit seal" Kunikida smiled, spitting in his hand, as we all followed.

"Uehh" Chuuya gulped, spitting in his hand, we all shook eachother, our hands sticky with eachothers.

"And just like that, we are the quad sqaud" Kunikida brought out hand sanitizer wipes.

"Cool!" Ranpo exclaimed, all of us excited to hang out.

"Alright kids, out the cafeteria! Your 30 minutes is up, if you still have food take it outside!" The teacher yelled, Ranpo and me trashing our food.

We all headed to the playground, flipping up on the monkey bars. Helping Chuuya up to the bars to sit on top of them. I sat on the edge, looking down at the ground, Kunikida and Ranpo starting conversation with the new guy. My mind swirling with the thought of how easy it would be to land on my neck and the-

"Dazai! Stop thinking of suicide!" Ranpo joked.

Kunikida laughed, same with Chuuya, "You're right, I should stop" I joked back.

"Why did you move to America?" Ranpo asked.

"Yeah Japan sounds so much better, less idiots" Kunikida chuckled.

"Uh, my dad he... uh-" Chuuya mumbled, "He did a bad back in Japan" 

"A bad?" Ranpo hooked a brow.

"He loved another woman, so my mom moved back with my grandparents"

"Oh, so he's a manwhore-" I chucked, "An unfaithful bastard"

"He's not a bastard!" Chuuya got upset.

"Why would he cheat then? He's a bastard, who didn't love his omega right" I deadpanned.

"He loves my mom!" Chuuya yelled, "He just made a mistake-"

"Oh so his dick slipped and went in another woman?" I smirked.

"Dazai!" Ranpo yelled. 

"What? You shouldn't do that to your mate!"

"He just-" Chuuya started crying.

"Yeah, and your dad should have you assist his suicide but here you are defending him too!" Kunikida crossed his arms. 

I gritted my teeth, "You're comparing Apples to Oranges 'Kida" I rolled my eyes, "My father needed help, he wasn't cheating on his sick wife!" 

"But he shouldn't have had his pup fucking call the police while he blew his brains out!" Kunikida clenched the bars.

"My dad wasn't a bastard enough to go and cheat on his wife" I defended.

"No but he was a coward enough to join her, when he needed to care for you!"

"Coward? Do you know how much guts it takes to take your own life? Trust me, I'm a coward!" I screamed.

"Then-" Ranpo covered Kunikidas mouth.

"Don't say something you'll regret you two" Ranpo sighed, "Fuck you're dramatic" 

I gritted my teeth, looking away, "My dad isn't a bastard" Chuuya said through tears.

"Sorry" I turned away.

"Kunikida, you need to not be so sensitive about this subject because your mom cheated her first year of marriage" Ranpo let go of his mouth. 

"We all have our own family issues, and our own shit, throwing it in eachothers faces is stupid!" He continued.

"Sorry, Kunikida, sorry, Chuuya" I muttered, under my breath.

"Its okay" Nakahara looked away, wiping his tears, his little face wet from crying.

"Kunikida?" Ranpo warned, almost as a threat.

"Hmph!" He stuck up his nose, typical of Kunikida.

The bell obnoxiously rang, all of the kids running to the set up lines, while we all walked to them. Mrs. Johnson lined up to the line, our silence scaring her as we stood on that yellow paint.

"Alright let's get into class everyone, you're all 6th graders so let's set an example for the younger elementary students" She said as we followed into class, sitting in our seats.

The class went on, we all kept quiet and did our work to ourselves. I focused on thinking about everything, I knew where I went wrong, I apologized, but what made me react so harshly? Why did I care so much that I genuinely had harsh words with someone I barely knew?

It kind of ate at me, I was trying to pay attention to integers at the same time though. Four minus negative 6, well, that was just 10. Still, I tried to think back on it, was it a moral? Not to treat people that way? No, it wasn't one of my morals. Then it kinda hit me. 

The conversation I had with Oda in 5th grade.

-

"So that's how babies are made?" I looked down. Everything I had known seemed like a simple explanation compared to this.

"Yes" Oda uncomfortably pursed his lips. "I know it's a lot to process" He shifted his seating, "I wanted to talk to you about this before your school did, I feel like you're someone who learns very quickly, so letting you know more-" He sighed, "It seemed more beneficial to explain it logically to you"

"Yeah" I looked down, "So... I shouldn't take advantage of Omegas?" I stopped, "You said that earlier, what exactly does that mean?"

"Omegas, and women specifically, in society are treated differently than us" He gestured out, "A male omega will be treated better than a woman one" He looked around, "They often during heats, are very weak, and vulnerable, and Alphas... they'll take advantage of that weakness" 

"How?" I asked, "I feel like you're avoiding that topic"

"You hit it right on the nose everytime kid" Oda sighed, "It's a difficult subject, sexual assault" He explained. 

"So, they force them to do things?" I asked.

"Yes, the things I explained"

"But I thought that you're only supposed to do things when the other person says yes, doesn't everyone follow that? Shouldn't they feel horrible?"

"Not everyone is selfless Dazai" He held my shoulder, "People are horrible, they take advantage of those social imbalances and hurt their omegas" 

"Is, sexual assault, is it the worst thing you could do?"

"Worse than murder" Oda said, "Some of the Women and Omegas I've helped on the job, they wish they were dead" He breathed out sadly, "So don't ever let your urges take over to control you, and hurt somebody"

"That's assuming I'm an alpha"

"I don't need you to present to know, it's all in your demenour and physic, so you have to promise me, like I promised our dad that you won't ever mistreat them, you won't abuse them, sexually, or emotionally" He looked in my eyes.

"I promise" I looked in his eyes.

"You have to make sure you keep them safe, Omegas, women and children" He patted my back.

"I will" I smiled slightly.

"Dad would be so proud of you kid"

-

"Dazai?!" The teacher snapped, I woke up from my memory dream, looking at the board.

"Yes?"

"The answer!" She pointed to the problem.

"34"

"How did you get that answer?" She sighed, "Come up here, and write it out" 

"Alright" I went up and answered very quickly, writing down everything on the board.

The teacher watched as I wrote down the explained equation. My mind boggling with the dividers as I continued. I slashed the expo marker a few more strokes until I approached the answer. Slowly I backed up, going back to my assigned seat. I sighed out as Mrs. Johnson looked over my answer. 

"Good job Dazai, looks great" She continued her lesson, noting down more information and a few more problems to solve on the board.

Chuuya was called up to do a hard question, while Kunikida was flying by the problem with no issue; I watched as that little redhead clenched the Expo marker, his face becoming red with embarrassment. Kunikida looked like he was whispering something to him, as if he was telling the answer over to his ear.

“Kunikida! Let him answer the question by himself” She scolded, Kida’ walked himself back to the seat. But, Chuuya was frozen, lost in the numbers as if they were a threat, I swore maybe he was shaking. 

“I..I-” He stuttered, “I don’t know” He gulped, “I don’t know any of this” He admitted, putting down the marker on the ledge of the whiteboard.

“How far do you know?” The teacher asked.

“I don’t know these…” Chuuya pointed to the negatives and positives on the board.

“Integers? Have you not been in school the whole year?” She scoffed.

“My parents are separated, and we moved 6 months ago, so no” He angrily responded, she deserved the sass after that comment.

“Oh, that would’ve been wonderful for your mother to fill in” She rolled her eyes, “You wouldn’t be in this class if that were the case…” She walked to her desk, “How are you to make up 6 months of sections” She pinched her temples. 

“I… don’t know” He shook, “I can’t go back” He sighed.

“Set back on English and Math, let’s hope your science and history are up to date” She tapped on her laptop.

“I’m not stupid, I just don’t know integers, Japan is ahead of America in lessons” He sighed, “And of course I don’t know American History, but I could tell you about the Nara to the Meji period” He rolled his eyes.

“It’d be nice if your mother spoke more English to explain rather than you” She backhanded.

“Shut up” He snapped, “うらさい !” He screamed, “You’re racist, and I’m sick of it!” Chuuya stood his ground, “My mother is trying her best, she’s only been here twice! And then she has to deal with people like you when she’s trying so hard!”

“It is not my issue that we speak English here, she needs to learn if she’s going to raise her children here, obviously she’s not trying hard enough” She narrowed her eyes, and Kunikida started recording on his iPod.

“How could you say something like that!” One of the kids yelled, “Chuuya’s mom is trying her hardest!”

“Immigrants shouldn’t be in this country if they can’t speak the language we require” She laughed, “I don’t know why I’m arguing with children!” She screamed, slamming the paper on the desk. “I want everyone to shut up about this, it’s non-negotiable, all of you should love this country and be proud to be here!”

“We’re proud to be American, but not the American you want” I said, clicking my mechanical pencil.

“And what is that Dazai?”

“Your family came here not speaking English, busted their ass to make this country the way it is, don’t you think it’s insensitive to expect a traumatized, single woman omega to make up and learn a language scared and helpless?" I asked. 

"She should do her duty as an omega and raise her children" Her eyebrow ticked up.

"Its the duty of an Alpha to also raise their children, they have duties as well, omegas aren't treated the same way in this society" I clicked my pencil, staring into her eyes. 

"If you know so much Dazai, how about you do something with it" She narrowed her eyes.

I cultivated bullets with my stare, "No wonder your husband left, since you act like such a conniving wretch" I smirked.

"No wonder your father committed suicide, he had nothing left" She looked me up and down.

"I mean, I'm the failure, but there was no reason for my brother, so he just wanted to go…" I trailed off, "I also don't recall in his suicide letter, Dazai was a shitty kid so I offed myself" I scratched my nose, "But since you know so much, Mrs. Johnson please enlighten me where it said that-" I snickered.

"It doesn't need to"

"Did I step on your toes? Thought you'd get under my skin?" I rolled my wrist as explaining, "I'm the one that seemed to hit a nerve, you must have some guilt about how you treated your husband" I blinked nonchalantly.

"Shut up!" She slammed her ruler on the desk, "The point of this conversation is how behind Chuuya is on math-" She scoffed, "I'm over this crap in my classroom"

Some of the kids were shaking in the classroom, although I couldn't feel it; I'm sure the kids that were reacting were hormone sensitive. Brianna had presented over the winter break as Omega, she was older by birthday, and she was like a leaf. Mrs. Johnson was an Alpha, no surprise there. But the fact that she tried to intimidate me by hormone control was illegal; and could get you charged with being a registered sex offender. It was one thing for children to do it, they can't control those aspects just hitting puberty. 

But an adult will do it on purpose, to control a child, or another adult. Regardless, the rest of class continued, Kunikida stopped recording, as the rest of the class just did the work they were supposed to. I debated contacting Oda, but I feel that would end in handcuffs and not really well. I stayed and thought, it'd be better to tell the principal, rather than doing the other. 

-

"I'm so sorry this has happened, I will do my best to not let it happen again" The principal told me, Kunikida, Brianna, and Chuuya.

"Are you going to fire her?" I asked.

"I don't think that's necessary, I think talking it out will change things" He sighed.

"As much as I believe that would change things, Brianna here could gave been forced into a heat" Kunikida pointed out.

"But she wasn't, and at least we get to work from there" He smiled.

"Brianna has every right to press charges Mr. Anders" I said.

"She does… but Mrs. Johnson has gone through a lot last semester with the divorce, I think it's best to let things flow away"

"If this happened between a boss and an omega assistant she'd be in jail" I pointed out.

"Dazai, I know you like to uphold the law, just like your brother, but sometimes people make mistakes, they do things wrong" He sighed, "Would it be better for you guys if I moved home classrooms? You'd never have to face her afterwards" He offered.

"I- I think that's best I would not like to feel that again" Brianna peeped out.

"Maybe I could do that for the people who feel uncomfortable, I think that would be best." He sighed out, "I'll transfer you guys, and Ranpo outside, it's probably good you guys stick together" He waved off.

We stood up and followed to the assistant out, I felt like it was better. Maybe things would be resolved, but I was mostly glad we were out of that teachers room. It almost felt like that would've happened anyways, I had several little fights with her last semester. Maybe it was only a matter of time before we popped. 

I'd have to explain to Oda, and God, did I not want to do that. He always had his way with things, or his opinions…

And Oda didn't hear any others

-

Chapter Text

"So she just got away with it?" His eyebrow ticked up, he seemed pissed honestly.

"Yeah, pretty much" I picked at the rice curry I made for dinner.

"You should have called me" He sharply inhaled.

"I felt like it would've been too much drama" I looked away.

"It was already enough drama to that girl, Brianna" He ate his rice aggressively, "And that…" He bit, "New kid… Chuuya was it?"

"Yeah"

"You're friends now?" 

"Pretty much, Kida' and Ranpo approved of him in our group" The sound of my spoon echoed.

"And you got along?"

"I-" chucking, "Don't know why that matters"

"Dazai?" His eyebrow arched, "If it didn't you would have answered yes"

"We got in a fight"

"Physical?" He stared at me, his eyes wide.

"No, not that… just argument"

"About what?"

"His uh… mom got cheated on and abused in her relationship by her alpha husband…" I trailed, "He was defending his dad by saying it was a mistake" 

"Dazai…" He looked at me with those eyes; the ones that screamed you shouldn't have done that. 

"I know!" I snapped, I didn't usually snap.

"Then I don't even have to tell you" He kept eating.

"Yeah, you don't" I snarled, eating up my food quickly, sitting up, and going to the sink.

"I've raised you better than to snap at me like that, could you come sit at the table and talk?" He offered.

"I want to be alone" I held back my anger.

"Dazai" He warned, "Come back to the table" He practically ordered.

"Let. me. go." I eyed him.

"Don't speak to me that way!" He raised his voice, "I want to have a mature conversation with you, and you're making it difficult" He pinched his temple.

"Yeah?! Mature? You mean lecturing me for an hour! I'd rather save myself the fucking trouble!" I screamed, jetting to my room, slamming the door.

"Shuji Osamu! We do-" It paused as he opened the door, "Do not slam doors in this house!" He yelled at my doorway, he used my formal name.

"I don't care!" I yelled, "I don't care that I told that other kid his dad was trash!" I screamed, "You told me to stand up for what's right, and then you change your mind when I hold up my opinions?!" I could feel myself getting angrier, "And then you have the audacity to tell me I'm wrong!"

He stood in silence, sighing out, he took a deep breath. "You aren't like other kids Dazai" He said calmly, "Do you even understand why you can't say that stuff in public? Your opinions?" He asked.

"No!" I shook my head frantically.

"Yeah, you don't" He sat next to me, I curled myself away, "That uncontrollable anger you feel, it's hormones" He explained.

"No its because you acted above me" I snapped.

"Dazai, I am above you" He said, I rolled my eyes, "I raised you, I've been here longer, and it's my mistake that I tried lecturing you instead of teaching you" He said, "One day, you'll be above me, and that's my biggest hope"

"I hate this!" I yelled into a pillow.

"Would you like me to leave you alone?" He offered, "Until you're ready?"

"Yes…" I grumbled.

"Okay, you come to me when you're ready" He sighed, walking out the door.

Why was I so angry? I sat up on my bed, holding my pillow, to think of it; the whole argument was stirred by me being irrational. That wasn't like me, why would I just egg-on an argument with Oda? Maybe it was hormones that made me so angry, maybe it was the challenge of my decisions. I couldn't quite tell.

Oda was right about me not being like normal kids. I can't communicate right, I can't socialize correctly, and it made me angry again; that it was just another mess up on my shit. Sometimes I hate having a disorder, sometimes I hate having PTSD, and Depression.

I don't even want to think about it, how that shit challenged me. An 11 year old who thinks like a 20 year old, but I can't figure out why it's inappropriate to tell my opinions!

I wanna kill myself

I punched the pillow, screamed in it, and became numb. Honestly, I just hated Oda's parenting moments, I hated being told what to do. I hated it, and I didn't know why.

I held the pillow, put it down and went to open the door. I walked out to Oda finishing up the dishes, I sat at the table pouting. 

"You're ready?"

"Yeah" I pouted, crossing my arms.

He sat down, sighed, and took off his apron. "You've never reacted like that, Shuji " His eyes met mine, "It's not like you"

"Yeah" I looked down.

"Its refreshing sometimes to see you act like a pre-teen" He slightly smiled, "Reminds me that you're still a kid in there" 

"I-" I bit my words, "I feel like disconnected" I said, "Like I'm not like other kids, I don't know how things are wrong for me to say-"

"I know Dazai, it's almost like you're Autistic" He joked, but I didn't laugh, "A normal kid would've been embarrassed after saying what they did, reacted to making someone upset" He pointed out. 

"I don't like when you bring that up" I exhaled, "My whole life isn't defined by that" I looked away.

"Shuji, but it is part of your life, you struggle with it" 

"Please, just explain to me what I did wrong" I pinched my temples, "Enough with why I'm stupid" I propped myself up by my arm.

"You're not stupid" He corrected, "Your brain is just made differently" 

"Just-" I sighed in annoyance, "Just explain"

"Alright" He pulled his chair in, and clasped his hands almost dramatically. "When people express their morals aloud, it makes others uncomfortable" His thumbs touched back and forth, "People argue, and want to convince you of their side"

"Even if their sides are wrong"

"Dazai, things aren't so black and white" His eyes met mine.

"But it's factual evidence, you shouldn't cheat on your partner, it's shitty and abusive"

"Yes, but some people have -"

"How is that complicated? Don't slip your dick in another woman?"

"Well, I'll give you an example" He coughed, "Say you find out you're gay in a longterm relationship with your wife, you choose to sleep with someone you love…" He trailed, "And you have children"

"Divorce?"

"The children will suffer from a divorce" He mentioned, "You see?" I connected the dots a little, "Its beneficial to stay for the sake of the children"

"So… I can't judge based off of circumstance?"

"Yes, exactly" He sighed out, "But also its rude to tell your opinions without asking"

"How?" My eyebrows furrowed.

"Well, it…" He struggled, "its-" He paused, "It's just something people think is rude" He scratched his head, "Just trust me on that one, Dazai"

"Okay"

"You're doing great kid, honestly, you make parenting easy sometimes" He got up and chuckled a little, putting back on the apron; he went back to the dishes. 

"Do you ever wonder, Oda…" I trailed.

"Hmm?" He turned off the water, looking at me.

"Nothing" I walked back to my room, sitting on the bed, I pulled out my homework. I started working on math, trying to collect my thoughts.

Do you ever wonder what it'd be like if dad was still alive?

I hated that thought, cause I always imagined scenarios of how my dad would be here. How Oda would be married and with kids by now, and a beautiful wife; if it weren't for me. He tried dating but none of the women he wanted were ready to be a mother. I don't blame them, I'd run to the hills too after hearing how his father passed. They must think we're all crazy, all going to off ourselves.

They're not wrong though.

I tried to off myself at 6 years old, over and over again through the years. It wasn't until I found it a useless thought that it stopped; it helped that Oda had a mental breakdown last time. Not that I wanted that, but a year ago he started to snap.

Cried in my chest, told me that I was the last reason he was alive. That it was selfish to do that to him, that we had eachother left. That at least we had our parents in our blood, we could survive on that. He's survived knowing that dad is still with him through me. I can't deny I cried too.

It was too many times I had blamed myself for his death; my rational brain hadn't thought for a second how selfish the act was. He had left me an Oda all on our own, and with my brother in the middle of College. Oda was only 20, not ready to raise a child. And for that, I always blame myself for existing.

I hope Oda finds a beautiful wife to love, and raise his own kids. I hope God has a plan for him, a plan passed my bullshit. 

But my mind always wonders what I'd be like if he was alive. If Oda had gotten married, if I had little nieces and nephews running around in this house. Oda was kind, brave, and loving, he deserved a life he planned out. It truly is my fault he's suffered so much.

If I hadn't been born, mother would be here, and so would my father. Even though Oda says he wouldn't have it any other way; I know his happiness would be fulfilling if he hadn't struggled.

I know my existence has only caused a lot of harm.

Before I snapped out of it, I realized I did all my homework. These dissociative episodes really got me going sometimes. At least I can get my work done at the end of the day. 

Thinking about it, got me back to the stuff Fyo had said. 

"Left me with a little crush on you"

God, he was fucking crazy sometimes, psyco to be honest. But I definitely know that was just the start of our rivalry, we never got along. Neither would we ever get along, man was not in his right mind. As I've said before.

Fyo and me are separated for a reason, it even surprised me that they let us in the same detention room. Enough for me to become disgusted, but that would've happened in seconds anyways.

I felt bad for any Omegas that had to interact with Fyo, As it was, most teachers are Omegas, so it wasn't surprising he was taking advantage of them. 

Although, that guy would get any chance to take advantage of anyone.

A knock stampled on my door, "Hey, Dazai…" Oda smiled, "I'm going to go out for a bit" He notified me.

"Why?" I asked.

"Did you get your homework done?" He asked instead of answering me.

"Yes" I answered.

"All of i-"

"Yes, will you answer my question now?" My eyebrow rose.

"I'm going out with a friend" He said.

"Uncle Saito?" I opened my eyes in curiosity, "He's your only friend"

"No, someone from work, I met… They just moved into town" He was smiling.

"A girl?" I smirked, closing my textbook.

"Yes, Dazai… a girl" He got red, embarrassed as hell.

"Do you like her?" I got up, excited.

"She's… nice, I'm interested, but I wouldn't call it like" He chuckled, "I want to get to know her… so we're going out"

"On a date?" I grinned.

"Yes, like a date" He deadpanned, "I just want you to promise you won't burn down the house" 

"You're more likely to burn down the house than me"

"You're right… well, I'm going out with her" He started closing the door.

"What's her name?".

"Amber" He said, "Amber Hollow" His chest lifted with a sigh.

"A white girl?" I looked confused.

"She's… not" He shook his head.

"Then, it's not usual for you to go after non-asian women" I pointed out.

"She is" He defended.

"Half? I tilted my head.

"She's Black and Asian-"

"What kind of Asian?"

"Dazai it does not matter" He said in annoyance, "She's my date, race doesn't matter"

"I want someone to make me Bentos" I said sadly.

"Well, crush those dreams, she's Vietnamese" He shut the door.

I pouted, looking at my textbook, and back at my ipod. I guess I could invite Ranpo and Kida' over.

I really wanted bentos.

-

"You brought the red-head?!" Me and Ranpo chimed. 

"Well, I found out Chuuyas grandparents are the old couple down the street" Kida said, "So I brought him over?"

"We don't mind-" Ranpo defended, "I just didn't expect it" 

"Yeah, and Dazai?" Kida asked.

"Its fine, but did he bring a ps3 controller?" I asked.

"Well, as expected we're ahead of you-" Kida pulled it out of his bag. 

"Good, you like Mortal Combat?" I smirked, "Or sonic racers?" 

"Both, I like both" Chuuya mumbled.

"You're so quiet all the time, Chuuya" Ranpo pointed out, "We don't bite"

"I'm not… silent I don't know how to put together English sentences" He sighed.

"Well, cool we're all fluent" Ranpo said, "If it does make it easier we could just speak Japanese" Ranpo switched.

"I need to practice" Chuuya said back.

"Well, how about we speak Japanese when hanging out, and English in school" Kida said.

"That's good" Chuuya replied.

"Is it real?" I switched to my other language.

"What?" He asked.

"Your hair? Is that your true color?" I asked.

"Yes, I can't dye it in Japan-" He defended. "Doesn't your brother have red hair?" His eyebrow lifted.

"Yes, he does" I pointed to the picture on the wall.

"What's Oda doing anyways?" Ranpo started to set up the Playstation in the livingroom.

"On a date" 

"Whoa!" Ranpo and Kida chimed.

"He doesn't have a wife?" Chuuya asked, "Did she die like your parents?" 

"No! Oda never got married!" I scoffed.

"Sorry! I assumed!" Chuuya waved his hands, "He's just very handsome, I thought he'd have no trouble with the ladies-"

"Does Chuuya find your brother attractive?" Ranpo did his stupid smile.

"No! He's just very attractive!" Chuuya defended, "Like, as a compliment, I'm not into older men!"

"Sounds defensive" Ranpo giggled.

"Sakunosuke is an attractive man, I don't deny he can land a very beautiful woman" Kida' said honestly, "And I wouldn't put it past Chuuya to have a crush-" Kida smirked.

"I dont!" Nakahara got red in the cheeks.

"Oda isn't into men, and especially little boys-" I rolled my eyes, "So all of you stop"

"Aww… but it was fun to tease Nakahara-"

"I forgot to ask do you prefere to be called your last name or first?" Kida' asked.

"Uh, you are my friends so Chuuya is fine" His cheeks were so red.

"Chuuya it is, and enough about my brother" I sat down in the livingroom. 

"Who's the girl?" Ranpo asked.

"Some girl from his work" I turned on the Playstation.

"He's never dated since I met you, honestly thought to guy was just a loner" Ranpo took off his hat. 

"Well, he said women his age weren't very interested in raising a kid, so I think since he's turning 27, he thought women his age would be ready for that-" I assumed.

"That's true" Ranpo sat back as Kunikida went in my room to get the other controller.

"Is this your dad?" Chuuya asked, I hadn't even noticed he got up and was looking around.

I looked over behind, "Uh if he's got brown wavy hair, yeah" I called back.

"Wow…" Chuuya stared at the picture.

"What? Do you think Dazai's dad is attractive now too?" Ranpo teased.

"No! I was admiring how much they look alike!" He pouted again.

"Stop teasing the red-head" I smirked, pulling up Mortal Kombat.

Kunikida came back with the controllers, plugging each of them in to register the connection. He handed each of them over to Chuuya, and Ranpo. Chuuya sitting down by Kida' his legs tucked under him as he sat. Ranpo seemed to get his attention span on picking out a character. 

"No I want Scorpion!" Ranpo complained to Kunikida.

"You always get him!" Kida' argued, "I can't always have the others!"

I picked out Chun Li, sighing as the two argued back and forth over Scorpion. Chuuya had already picked, his giggles filling the room as the two continued. I kind of dissociated until the two had settled down; of course Ranpo got what he had wanted. Kunikida was butthurt, but compromised to have Scorpion next round. 

"Alright, let's start" I mentioned, pressing the start button.

I had won against Kunikida the first round, The next being Ranpo vs Chuuya. Everyone was so surprised when the little red-head had beat Ranpo in under 10 minutes. Ranpo was hard to beat, and that made me nervous. I always went easy on him cause Ranpo had sore loser syndrome; it really effected him.

It was me vs Chuuya, and I amped up my game to beat him. The game kept going on and on, 30 minutes of defense and offense from both sides. Ranpo cheering me on while Kida' cheered on Chuuya. It was wild, it wasn't until 40 minutes that Chuuya had finally beat me, the whole crew getting loud and cheering.

"WOAH! Chuuya you're super good! You should play on regular mode, holy shit!" Ranpo egged on.

"GG, bro" I fist bumped Chuuya.

"GG?" His head tilted, confused.

"Its stands for Good Game" Ranpo blurted. 

"Aaah" Chuuya nodded, "GG" He smiled.

"Still I'd love to see you play gameplay" I mentioned, handing over the first person controller.

"Sure" He grabbed it.

All of us for some time watched Chuuya beat level after level. He was honestly a beast at the game. The cheering got crazy as soon as he got to the boss level; unsurprisingly Kida' backseat played. But Chuuya knew what to do to defeat the boss.

I hadn't realized how much time had passed, and dinner needed to be made. I know I had Katsudon planned for me and Oda but I could honestly split the porkchops into four for is to eat. Or, I could order a pizza...

Oda left me his credit card to use for emergencies; this wasn't one but I'm pretty sure he'd not care. So I made the call for large pepperoni, so we could eat all together. Ranpo, Kida' and Chuuya made calls to their parents letting them know they might stay the night and they were eating there. We had a spare bedroom, and it could fit 2, we had couches and I didn't mind sharing with Kida' we always did back in the day. 

It took about 30 minutes for the pizza to show up. After eating we decided to play minecraft together. Me and Ranpo did killing and looting while Kunikida did the mining. Chuuya was good at building houses. With pizza plates everywhere, greasy controllers, and no adult supervision we were chaotic and crazy. Staying up past midnight, and getting into the ice cream. 

I wasn't allowed to do that on a school night, but everyone had their homework done for tomorrow. I didn't see the big deal, we were kids having fun, pre-teens being rebellious. Well, rebellious but responsible.

Ranpo had passed out, his pizza by his side. And me, Chuuya and Kida' were talking about life and getting to know one another. The minecraft world saved, only pizza plate out was Ranpos that he fell asleep eating. 

"In the end I never expected to move to the US" Chuuya said.

"When my mom cheated, somehow it worked out, my dad forgave her. It helped that they were pregnant with me" Kunikida said.

"Are you someone elses?"

"No, my dad got a DNA test the moment I was born, to check that the man she got with never had to be part of our life" He looked up to the ceiling. 

"Ah, it's just me and my older sister in the house... plus my grandparents" Chuuya said 

"I'm an only child" Kida' said, "My mom got her tubes tied after me" 

"What about your mom Chuuya?" I asked.

"She's there... but she's suffering from mark withdrawals" He said, "She's trying to fight the mark my dad gave her" He looked away.

"Your grandparents must love your mom a lot to choose her over your father" I mentioned.

"They do, they've always loved her over my dad, said she was out of his legue a lot" He mumbled out quietly. The silence hitting the air for a moment.

"Do you think she'll forgive?" Kida asked.

"No, she's done" Chuuya sighed, looking over at me, "What about you Dazai? What happened to your mom?"

"She died giving birth to me, too high off of hormones" I deadpanned.

"O-oh" He stumbled, "I'm sorry" He looked at me.

"Its okay, didn't know her... plus I think Oda's been a satisfactory father figure and older brother" I smiled, "We've always had eachother" I sighed out, both of us noticing Kida had fell asleep.

Chuuya laid quietly on the floor, looking to the ceiling. "What do you think you'll be Dazai? When you grow up?"

"I want to be a police officer or case worker like Oda..." I mentioned, "I want to help people" 

"No, I meant like... presenting" Chuuya mumbled, "I want to be a model, or a actor though" He giggled.

"Alpha or Beta... I have the parts for it" I said blankly, "Oda thinks I'll be an Alpha like him, cause he was growing like I was"

"I'm gonna be an Omega or a Beta" Chuuya mumbled, "The parts... there's no way I can be an Alpha" He frowned.

"What are you hoping for?" I asked.

"Beta... I don't want to be an Omega, like my mom and suffer" He looked away.

"Omegas are mistreated a lot" I notioned, "But there's people who care for them, they're often protected by the masses" I mentioned.

"Yeah..." He stared off, "I just want to be treated normally, not effected y'know?" He smiled, "Not like a baby machine"

"I don't think Omegas are that, they care a lot, and have good heart" I smiled back, "Look at your mom, she's trying so hard, I think Omegas have grit" 

He looked in my eyes, "Yeah" He grinned, shifting closer to me. 

"Your eyes are so pretty" I said aloud, "it's so interesting to see someone Japanese with blue eyes and red hair"

"You think?" He giggled, "It's funny, my hafu features were made fun of back home... I can tell you're the same though" He turned to me, "Your eyes are amber, light brown... not many Japanese have that"

"I can't believe someone would bully you for having beautiful hair and eyes" I chuckled, "Trust me, here people dye their hair to have what you got" I scoffed with a giggle. 

"You called me beautiful and pretty" He had the most genuine smirk on his face, "I don't think you realized that"

I got up, embarrassed, "I didn't mean it that way! It was a genuine compliment" I whisper-yelled, "I have a lot of trouble with compliments versus intentions" I fiddled with my hands, my stimming going off the hook.

"No you're fine, I'd just thought I'd let you know" He got up, "I understood your intentions" He grabbed my hands, holding them.

For once, someone had understood me, and it hit me like a truck. Chuuya got what I was meaning even though it isn't what was communicated, and I felt my heart flutter with happiness. "Thanks for letting me know" I looked in his eyes again, "You're a good friend, Chuuya" 

"Thanks" He nodded, "You too" He let go of my hands.

"How did you know?"

"Know what?" He asked.

"Know to grab my hands and how I communicated" I mumbled.

"My cousin, she has uh... this thing called Asburgers... Your hands were the same as her" He looked away. 

"Oh..." I said quietly, I felt like I was back in a box.

"Do you have a disability like that?" He asked.

Ranpo was the only one to know, when we were younger his mom wanted to get him friends. Ranpo had AuADHD, he knew we communicated a lot alike, but he leaned more to his other diagnosis. So it was hard, getting others to understand me.

"Yeah" I mumbled, I felt like I was corned. 

"I have no idea what it's like to have that..." He grabbed my hands again, "Thank you for telling me, I won't say anything"

"Please don't" I squeezed his hands.

"No problem" He smiled, giving my hands a last squeeze, letting go.

I was about to say something back when the door opened. Oda was with a woman, his hand on her waist, and her hand under his button up. Me and Chuuya looked wide-eyed.

"Odasaku!" The woman pushed him off, her face bright red as she kept up her composure.

"What are you doing up?! It's 2am!" Oda yelled at me, he looked at us kids. 

Oh, he was mad

"Why is Kunikida, Ranpo and..." He trailed, "Who is that!?" He woke up Kida' and Ranpo.

"I'm Chuuya" He peeped.

"We have all our homework done!" I defended, Kida' and Ranpo nodded.

"I don't give a shit-" He slurred, "You shouldn't be up this late, and a I leave you for one time-" He scoffed, "One time, Shuji!" He yelled.

"Are you really upset with me or mad that you got embarrassed in front of your date?" I said flatly.

"No! I'm furious you're a bunch of 11 year olds, on your own in a house!" He got upset, "and yes! I'm embarrassed Shuji!" 

"You make a fair point but..." I trailed, "I didn't think you'd be gone so long..." I mumbled, "I thought you'd be home by 10"

"Dazai-" He stumbled, "You know what I'm too drunk to care anymore, just know you'll be grounded for sure!" He ordered.

"I'm sorry"

"All of you need to go to the guest room, someone share a bed with Shun- Dazai" He shooed us off, Kida' and Ranpo going to the guest room. 

"Dazai you are in so much trouble!" He made a face of dissapointment. 

I felt so guilty, but at the same time, I didn't understand what was so wrong. Well, it's not my fault that I was left all alone until 2am. I was a kid anyways, I felt like I wanted to argue, but Oda was drunk. And he wanted us out to do dirty things with his date, I intervened that.

"I'm so sorry... I hope I didn't ruin the mood" Oda said to Amber.

"No, I have lots of siblings, it's understandable" She said, "And you're so hot, you could never ruin the mood~"

I audibly gagged with Chuuya going into my room and shutting the door. I sighed out, yeah I was in trouble but I was secretly hoping Oda was so plastered he wouldn't remember.

"Your name is Shuji?" 

"Shuji Osamu Dazai... is my full name" I looked at Chuuya, "I'm sorry you'll have to sleep with me, I'm relatively still, so I won't kick you off"

"Its fine" He mumbled, "Do you think he'll be forgiving tomorrow?"

"He's mad he didn't get laid" I deadpanned, "Should've gone to her place" 

"Laid?" Chuuya’s head tilted, I hadn't realized I was speaking English to him.

"Like..." I couldn't explain in Japanese, I was never taught dirty words or sex-education words. "Like you know, when two people love eachother-" I said in Japanese.

Chuuya said something in Japanese, I didn't know it, how could I explain? I knew very little about that. I decided to use the word Chuuya had used earlier, which I'm pretty sure had meant to mark someone.

"You know the thing you do when you mark someone" I said, Chuuya got so red.

"Already?!" He mumbled.

"No, the thing you do" I was frustrated.

"I don't understand-" He sighed in worry.

"Sex??? Do you know sex?" I said it in English.

"No?" He tilted his head.

God I need to learn from Oda about those words! I made a stupid hand gesture, which of course he didn't understand.

"Give me a moment!" I went on my ipod, looking it up briefly, "This!"

"Ooooh!" Chuuya sighed, "That word is, 房事" He said, I face palmed. "So Laid, it's like slang?"

"Yes, Oda is mad he didn't get Laid" I explained finally.

"I'm pretty sure he will still get what he wants" He giggled, "She looked very intrested"

"And in his type" I mumbled, "So I'm not surprised he's upset" I looked down, "I ruin everytime he has a good thing going for him"

"I don't think that's true" Chuuya smiled, putting a hand on my shoulder. 

"You know, you're a really good listener" I grinned back, "That's gonna come in handy later"

"Yeah, my sister says so too" He looked in my eyes.

"Let's go to bed" I motioned, going under the covers, Chuuya tucking himself under next to the wall.

I felt myself dive into sleep pretty fast, forgetting to set my alarm for school. I would say that was the last time Chuuya and I talked about deep shit; but it truly wasn't. Over the years we got closer, the best of friends, and maybe a little more.

But that was just the beginning.

Chapter Text

4 months later

"You boys get back here!" The store clerk yelled, as me and Ranpo ran off with cupcakes.

"You... know we ... could of just asked for money to pay for these?" I mentioned, breathing for my life as I ran.

"Yeah but it's not as fun!" Ranpo giggled, as we ran to our hidden bikes, pulling the beanies off of our faces. We got on the bikes, riding down to Ranpos place.

Ranpo was an only child, and you could tell by the way he acted. So was Kida' though, they were both only children, but in their own ways. Anyways, we stole these cupcakes for tomorrow for Chuuya's birthday. His mom couldn't afford any for the class and all of us wanted a little celebration, and me and Ranpo secured the bag.

By the time we got to Ranpos place, his mom was home. We had to avoid her figuring out we stole the cupcakes; so it was off to my house. It was only a little bike ride away, and I knew Oda wouldn't be home, he was at work.

"Well, shit" Ranpo said as we stood there on our bikes, the cupcakes in hand.

"That's that" I stared at the blue Toyota Corolla parked in the driveway. "Would you rather deal with your mom or Oda?"

"Oda" He answered frantically.

We took our losses and walked up to my house, short giggling could be heard from the front door. I opened the front door, of course the giggling came from Amber and him.

"Dazai, you're back home" Oda mentioned, there was whiskey on the table. He stared at the cupcakes. "And Ranpo" He added.

"Yeah" I said without a word going to put the cupcakes on the table.

"Where did you get the cupcakes?" He notioned to them, picking up his cup of alcohol.

"I bought it with my allowance" Ranpo lied.

"You must have saved up a lot" Amber smiled, "It's good you're becoming responsible with money, especially this early"

"Yeah…" Ranpo trailed off, stuffing the cupcakes into the fridge. "You'll bring them tomorrow right, Dazai?"

"Yep" I noted.

"Well, I better be on my way" Ranpo was bad at lying, so it was better for him to go away than keep the facade. He quickly was getting his bag.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" I asked, "We're riding with Oda remember?"

"Oh yeah, uh, see you tomorrow Odasaku!" Ranpo waved off, smiling at me before he shut the door.

Hopefully Oda was too buzzed to notice the awkward silence. I grabbed my bag, slowly heading to my room, sighing under my breath in relief. As soon as my heels of my converse clicked over I realized what I had done.

"Shit!" I ran over to the doorstep, flopping off the shoes at the door.

"Language young man, you must've read my mind cause I was just going to note that" Oda pointed me up and down.

"Who are the cupcakes for?" Amber asked.

"Chuuya, it's his birthday tomorrow, and his mom can't afford to get him cupcakes for the class" I walked off with my socks.

"You talk about this Chuuya a lot, do you think you might have a crush?" Oda asked.

I stopped in my tracks, turned around and laughed, "Crush on him?" I giggled, "That's hilarious" I deadpanned, "I don't have a crush on him!" I walked away, gripping my bag.

"Sounds defensive"

"You're drunk" I said, looking at Oda, "Too drunk to be worrying about who I like" I huffed away, closing my bedroom door behind me.

It had been 4, well, almost 5 months with Chuuya around. I always thought of him as a close friend, like Ranpo and Kunikida. I wasn't in love with him.

I placed my bag on my bed, how could you even tell you liked someone? I was 11, turning 12. Never had my heart pittered or pattered for someone, and definitely not Chuuya Nakahara. We just understood eachother deeply, it never felt like the movies. I decided to do some research, as I always did to understand my feelings. But nothing came of it, I didn't feel what others felt. 

Maybe I can't have crushes, maybe I'm asexual. The thought pondered, but my logistics got in the way. I wasn't presented yet, so no use of jumping to conclusions, when my hormones weren't even developed. I just had to get through it to understand.

I had to think before I jumped.

-

The cupcakes were a lovely surprise to Chuuya, even bringing him to tears. It was a fun little recess break, the whole class congratulating him, and singing. Chuuya seemed to actually thrive a little, and in months I hadn't seen that of him.

I think he really felt like he was at home, welcomed to a new life. I'm glad that I'm a part of that memory as well, that he could rely on me in the littlest of trials. And even in his errors, he was someone that had life around his two fingers. I always think about little moments because loosing someone has taught me to cherish what you have. 

The very few memories of my father I hold on to dearly; memories of Oda raising me and teaching me English. With this, it was memories of happy moments, a smile spread on a red-headed Hafu. I think I started to feel genuinely happy as well, it was a first in a while.

I was happy, and everyone's lives were getting better around me. Oda was dating longterm, and Amber, while I thought was a distraction; is actually the best thing that's ever happened to him. 

When recess ended, we all went back to doing classwork and hitting the final moments of Elementary School. It was back to math and introducing integers with substitutes, I has already studied ahead in the books. Something I wasn't supposed to do even though we were finishing the book. What can I say? I want my finals to be easier, so I can enjoy my summer. 

And with that, Chuuya had invited us over that weekend for a sleepover, a little birthday party just for him. I was actually excited to spend time with friends, go places and live my childhood.

I think I can finally put a date on the time I actually stopped feeling suicidal. 

April, 29th, 2012.

-

2 months later

Ranpo being the oldest and held back a year, presented in the summer. As thought, he was an Alpha, unfortunately locked up for the week of my birthday. Which relatively sucked, but understandable, it was just bad timing for my 12th birthday. 

They say just like Scorpions, Alphas and Omegas are the same. Alike to a baby, they can't control how much venom they attack with. The same goes to presenting, they can't control how much hormones they produce. It's very dangerous, especially for Omegas to present in public. Almost like distributing an Aphrodisiac 10 times the recommended dose. 

Luckily for most Adults they can handle these dosages by a blockage in their brains. Connected to the frontal cortex, is a system called instinctive hormonal gyri. It's a blockage that lets instincts be blocked by mental power. The gyri doesn't activate or control as well when two 11-13 year olds are in the same vicinity. 

But, as a 12 year old, what do I know about Neurology? 

Maybe it was a bad idea to give me an ipod for Christmas. All I do is learn more information to info dump on random people with. It's exhausting, but, back to Ranpo.

I was curious after the week what exactly presenting felt like? Was the world different? Some forms of Alphas were stronger than others. What was Ranpo's rank? I wanted to know all of that information, so I could hear it from someone other than-

"Hey sport-"

"Don't call me sport, you sound like a white dad" I cut off Oda.

"I gotta live up to our quarter though-"

"No you don't" I sat up from my bed, "What is it?"

"Grumpy, maybe you're getting closer to presenting" He scoffed, holding the doorframe. 

"I'm just upset-"

"Yeah, that Ranpo couldn't come to your birthday last weekend, I know…" He sat down next to me.

"God has the worst timing, I really miss him" I sighed.

"It calls for a celebration when he comes over though, he's growing into a young man" He smiled, "I can't wait for you to do the same, you're already so grown"

"What was it like, your first rut?" I asked, I had never asked this question before.

His face blew up with embarrassment, a soft exhale followed by an awkward smile. "Sometimes… I wish dad was alive" He winced, "So I could just be a cool older brother" He sighed out in annoyance.

"Do you not want to tell me?" I arched a brow up.

"No! Shuji … I…" He trailed off, "It's awkward, embarrassing… At the same time I raised you, I'll always feel this barrier…of-"

"Ew, gross that's my brother" I cut him off.

"Yeah!" He agreed, "But I've been more of your father than your brother… so this question is totally appropriate to ask at your age" He straightened.

"I'm just… scared, what if it's really rough for me?" I held my knees to my chest.

"I presented as a Dominant Alpha which, I've explained to you" He scratched the back of his head, "It was really rough, mine lasted for a week and a half, it was scary" He sighed.

"I just want the normal kind" I pouted.

"Likelihood of that happening kid, slim to none-" He chuckled, "Dominant Alphas run in the family"

"But, what was it like, what do I do?" I freaked a little. 

"You'll have me kid, and Amber… having an Omega adult in the house helps a lot with these things" He explained.

"I don't want Amber!" I said in disgust.

"Its not like that" He deadpanned, "Omega hormones with a presenting child help soothe the symptoms… Mom helped soothe mine when I had my rut, despite not being an Omega" 

"Amber is not my mother!" I said in anger.

"I understand that, I'm just saying what would help you through it" He calmly explained.

"You still are refusing to explain anything"

He went to close the door, locking it in a hopes of some kind of privacy. Sitting back down, he exhaled a long breath tinged with annoyance. "It was like, a drug took over my body, I couldn't think, I couldn't control… all I wanted in that moment was another Beta or Omega… and the knot-" He rolled his eyes, embarrassed, "it hurts really bad the first time, so bad that you want to tear your own dick off"

My eyes widened, "But what kind of pain?"

"Sexual, it's sexual pain, constant throbbing a week straight" He mumbled, "You need toys to get through it, especially your first" 

I looked away, fear in my eyes, "I don't want that!" I winced, holding my crotch. 

"It gets better after the first Dazai, and it only happens 4 times a year… I can't promise it won't be scary but you won't be alone during it" He held my shoulder. 

"I don't like pain!" I snapped, "It sounds like it sucks!"

"It does, but spending it with someone makes it way better… one day you'll have a partner that you trust enough to handle you" He promised. 

"Okay…" I grumbled.

"Which comes to my next talk after that embarrassing one…"

"What?" I asked, nervous.

"Amber will be moving in with us" He announced, "Things have gotten really serious between us, we want to take it to the next step" 

"Oh" I said in reply.

"I really think she's the one Dazai…" He smiled, "I want to marry her one day"

"You've only been dating for 5 months…" I mentioned, "How do you know she's the one"

"I just know" He smiled, "I've never felt so happy"

"I want you to be happy" I smiled, it's all I've ever wanted watching you suffer all these years.

"You're the best kid a father could ask for you know that?" He put his hands on my shoulders, bringing me into a hug.

"I know" I hugged into him.

-

Chapter Text

"I can smell everybody!" said Ranpo, "Like Oda, his girlfriend, my mom, my dad!"

"I think everyone can smell their parents Ranpo" I rolled my eyes.

"But it's more intense!" He emphasized with his fingers.

"What does Amber smell like?" Chuuya asked.

"She smells like sunflowers, like a sunny day, and Oda…" He paused, going over to the kitchen to sneak a sniff.

"Well?" Kida' ticked his brow up.

"He smells like a rainy day, and the musk of cedarwood" Finished Amber, "It's the ultimate compliment to sunflowers don't you think?" She set down Gỏi cuốn, as we all circled around.

"Sorry…" Ranpo bashfully looked away.

"You're nothing but a fresh blossom, it's natural to smell your surroundings right after presenting" She set the table, bringing more food.

"Thank you Ms. Hollow" Ranpo sat down, little did we all know, that Amber was his first crush.

"What were we conversating at the table about now, baby?" Oda came down the hallway, taking a seat.

"Dazai… could you get the shrimp from the counter?" She asked, I got up and went to the oil rack, "We were talking about scents, and how Ranpo has been exposed to the wonderful world of them" She continued.

"He was noting how Ms. Hollow smelled of sunflowers" Kida' stated.

"Amber has a sun-like smell to her yes…" Oda said as I walked back with the fried shrimp.

"She was talking about how you compliment her smell" I outed Amber.

Oda flushed at the comment, caught off guard, "Yes, I think so too, darling" He smiled with a genuine tinge.

"Doesn't that mean you'd make a good baby together?" Chuuya commented, Oda spit out his beer, coughing on it. 

Amber giggled a little, "Yes… it usually does" She responded to Chuuya, eying Oda, "It's far too early to be thinking about children though, plus, having one child in the house is enough at the moment" 

"I agree, having a toddler around would be very stressful with a preteen too" He joked.

"You two act like I'm such a nuisance" I sipped kool-aid, rolling my spring-roll together. 

"Stealing cupcakes, hanging out late at night, using my credit-card for pizza… and being out past dark are a few" He eyed me. 

"Stealing cupcakes were for Chuuya's sake, we wanted to do something nice" I argued.

"We already talked about this" He cut me off.

"Well, I think that having heart matters, and I think that's something you and Dazai have in common" Amber complimented.

"Its probably from mom" I noted, chomping my roll.

"Likely" Oda grumbled.

"Speaking of which, how's your mother Chuuya?" Amber asked him.

"She's taking lessons at USF for English so she can get a job soon" He smiled, "and filing for divorce" 

"That's good, she deserves better… I always worry about single Asian mothers… they have a hard time out there…" She mumbled, it was from personal experience that Amber had lost her father at an early age. It was something that Oda and her shared, loosing his mom at 16. 

"She says it's nothing that she can't handle, my sister helps her a lot too, but she's going to University Santa Barbara soon" Chuuya smiled, "I'm happy for them, and my grandparents love us, so we'll be fine"

"We Asian women are strong, we'll get through anything that comes our way, all three of you remember that about your mothers" She pointed to them, "And no matter who or what a woman is, you treat her with respect"

"Yes, ma'am" They chimed, I sat eating my spring roll continuously. 

"Dazai? Could you pass me the red flakes?" Oda asked, I passed them over, "Thanks"

We ate dinner and then watched a movie together before Ranpo and Kida' were picked up. It was another me and Chuuya night, for some reason he preferred to sleep in the same bed as me. It was something with trauma that gave him anxiety of being abandoned; and waking up alone triggered that. I didn't mind so much anymore, being with Chuuya felt complete. Sometimes he would cuddle against my side, laying his head on my chest. I would pretend to sleep when that would happen, just in case he'd wake up. Often, Chuuya was flustered when he realized, whispering sorries as if I could hear them asleep.

Tonight was one of those nights where he was bundled up against my side, slightly hugging me. Ranpo had done this multiple times in his slumber, spooning me annoyingly. Most of the time, I'd hit him with a pillow and he'd roll over. Not Chuuya though, his head placed on my ribs. Whenever we were like this, my heart would catch up with a panic. My face would feel so hot, and I couldn't move. It was like I didn't want the moment to end but it would. I was so hesitant but I wanted to hold him back. But, I knew that would be out of the question, Chuuya was as embarrassed as I was. That little fact kept me from confronting any of our sleeping nights. Any of the times I felt my heart beat in my chest, or how my eyes felt heavy. It didn't include how much I wanted him next to me, or how his sleeping face brought me comfort. 

How sometimes I snuck holding the back of his head, and ran my fingers through his ginger locks. It didn't change the fact that for some reason I could talk about everything with him. The details of my father's death, how scared I felt in those last moments. How I have meltdowns and panic attacks; ones that debilitate me. Most of all, I could talk about how suicidal I felt. Something only Odasaku knew, but now Chuuya did too. I don't know exactly what I was feeling but it felt like trust, a deep trust I felt for him. With each moment of him in my arms I felt that feeling. I only hoped it felt the same for him. I only wish I brought him the similar comfort of a warm embrace. 

I pushed his hair behind his ear, looking at his sleeping eyelashes. My cheeks were hot, my heart messy; as I counted each freckle on his face. Our noses touched for a moment, my lips anxiously close to his. I could feel my eyelashes falling with a heavy pull. I pushed slightly more forward, my breath catching on his. My mouth was centimeters away from kissing him. 

What was I doing?

I pulled away from him, my head looking to my dresser. The thumping was loud, obnoxious, my ears slightly ringing. The taste of metal was on my tongue, nausea present in my mood. What exactly was I thinking? My cheeks were on fire, blazed with embarrassment. How could I take advantage of Chuuya? My eyebrows furrowing, guilt settling in. I cared about him so much, and here I was trying to kiss him in his sleep-

Kiss him?

I tried to kiss Chuuya Nakahara? I had never tried to put my lips on anyone before. I never thought about it or craved that. I never had these feelings before, often I thought I was asexual. That I just didn't feel anything for anyone, but this was different. It brought me a slight chance of normalcy, I knew what I was feeling by definition. Increased heartbeat, rising temperature in my cheeks, urges to romantic actions…

Shit.

I liked Chuuya Nakahara.

My hands still raking through his hair, I turned back. Meeting his eyes for the moment, I jumped. I wasn't expecting him to be awake, nor to be connecting with my gaze. We stared at eachother for a while, maybe the while was a little shorter than I thought. The world was moving so slowly. I was begging God currently for Chuuya not to remember that I almost kissed him. That our lips almost touched and I wanted that. I was so terrified of being rejected because I'd loose the closest friend I've ever had. I didn't want to chance that, I wanted us to stay like this forever. I wanted someone who truly understood me. Please-

"Osamu?" Chuuya broke the silence, my breath hitching.

"Yes?" I peeped.

"Did you just try to kiss me?" He asked.

Lie.

Lie about it, it didn't happen you were just sleepy.

"Oh, I was just falling asleep-"

"Don't lie to me" He cut off, "I was pretending to sleep" Chuuyas eyes were lit in the dark, I felt so scared.

“I didn't” I defended, biting my lip subtlety, “Truly I was trying to sleep” I mumbled. 

He stared at me for a minute, calculating a comeback, “Please don't lie to me” He whispered, “I know you're lying-”

I felt stuck, what would happen if I told the truth? Would we be no longer friends? Would everything between us stop and never come back? “I can't say the truth” I responded, “I don't want to loose you” I whispered as a plea. 

“You won't” He said, “I promise nothing will change if you tell me” He smiled, looking in my eyes for a moment, he placed his hand on my arm in reassurance.

I hesitated, “I did, I was trying to kiss you…” I trailed, “I don't know why, and I'm sorry for taking advantage of you, I didn't mea-”

He put his finger over my lips to shush me, “I'm fine Osamu, let me save you the headache-” He chuckled in a slight whisper, “I like you” He stated, “I have for a while now…” His cheeks dusted bright with a rose color, “I didn't know if you liked me back, I'm sorry for the miscommunication, and that I kept cuddling you every night by accident…” His nose scrunched in disappointment, “I guess my body is more honest when I'm asleep-”

“How long?”

“Huh?” Chuuya said, off guard. 

“How long have you liked me?” I asked.

“Since… well, since the first night…” He peeped, “When you got in trouble-”

“That long?” I pondered, I just figured out I liked Chuuya and here he was pining over me for almost 8 months. “I'm sorry I'm dense-” I chuckled.

“You're not, I was trying to hide it” He whispered to me, “What about you, why did you try to kiss me?” He asked.

“Well…” This was embarrassing, “I just found out I had feelings too” I mumbled, “I'm kinda dumb when it's understanding feelings…” I felt my cheeks burn.

“So we feel the same way?” He stated, even though it was a question. 

“Yeah, I guess” I mumbled, what do we do about it? Just… remain friends?

“Do you still want to kiss me?” We both looked up at the ceiling, an awkward air filling the room as Chuuya’s question rang.

“We're kinda young for that right?” I looked over, “I mean, we're only 12” I stared in his eyes.

“So?” He shrugged, “What's the hurt in trying?” He smiled, “I wouldn't mind”

“I just want us both to be sure, I just figured out I have feelings for you…” I gulped, “Maybe we should wait” I said.

“How about, if you still feel the same…” He held my hand, “I want my birthday present next year to be a kiss from you” He stared into my eyes with a soft content. 

I felt my heart swell slightly, basically a whole year will go by then. I liked Chuuya, that feeling would just get stronger as the time passed. Hopefully things stay the same, I wish for all of us to have the best of 7th grade. I wish, even with these feelings Chuuya and I continue being so close. 

“I'm pretty sure by then I'll like you even more” I held his hand and entwined our fingers. “I'm glad nothings changing” I felt a smile peak from myself.

I'm glad Chuuya was my very best friend. 

-

Chapter Text

When 7th grade started everything felt so different, even if it was just the other side of the school. Lots of our classmates got their classes over the summer, some even disappearing the first few weeks of courses. Even if you hadn't presented, you had to go to your home classroom and spend an hour controlling hormones. Chuuya and others with the promise of being Omega or Beta, were separated. Ranpo had a hard time with controlling hormones, others fought and got upset with him; even though he didn't mean it. I on the other hand was considered a late bloomer.

Just as Odasaku warned.

I never understood these so called urges of sexuality. Or to become horny as one claimed, Ranpo talked about it a lot. I mean, he wouldn't shut up about how horny he was all the time? But, the kicker, a lot of Alphas were like that. In the locker rooms, they boasted about how much they wanted a partner, and how annoyingly, their dick sizes were to each other. I didn't understand the concept; but, I kept smug in the idea, that mine was arguably one of the big ones. I'm not the boasting type though.

I'd never show off just to bring others that weren't as well endowed as I was. Also it was weird that 12-14 year olds were doing this. We should've been worried about math or science. Not, does Jimmy have the biggest dick? But, middle schoolers can be ruthless as they say. Everything was a competition within the school, who had the prettiest girlfriend, who had the biggest dick, who had the best muscles, run the fastest ect. It was honestly a headache how others viewed themselves either on a pedestal or the lowest of the low.

A relief hit me that Fyo wasn't in the secondary part of the school anymore and moved on to high school. I was truly thankful that his antics wouldn't affect me for the next 2 years. He was a creep and a stalker, well, living across the block didn't count; but it still freaked me out to see him. Hopefully, he'd just grow out of being a horrible person in the coming years.

I hoped mainly that transitioning into the other half of the school would be easy. But with the consideration of myself; I don't think so. It was disaster at first, peers fighting left and right, teachers getting in the middle, sexual assault was also at an all time high. People, or, well, Alphas can't take no for an answer. The best thing to happen was that Ranpo got a girlfriend, it lasted a week before she cheated on him, but still. He kinda needed the lesson to get him in the right direction.

Little did I know the direction was several girls at a time.

I also had my first confession, other than Chuuya and I. She was a bright girl with glasses, and a cute smile. I didn't have interest, but I let her know several bachelor's similar to me to go after. She was very thankful that her first rejection wasn't horrible. I'm glad she had a good interaction considering my autism pretty much messed that up 24/7.

Chuuya had many, many admirers, some in love with him, some just truly idolized him. He had a great sense of fashion coming into 7th grade, many Omegans looked up to that. But also he was passionate about his goals, getting a modeling agency to sign him that year. Chuuya had at least 20 guys confess to him alone before Christmas. I was the true competition behind all of it, a little jealous myself, and terrified. Compared to these 8th graders, I was puny.

Not that I doubted myself.

When Christmas hit, Oda and Amber had planned an entire getaway from Japan to Vietnam. It had been a long time since I had seen my grandparents. My mother's parents were long gone before I was born. But I do remember my extended family in Japan; they always send new-years cards to me and Oda. The last time I saw them was my father's funeral in Japan-

“He belongs with us, Odasaku-” My aunt argued, “You are in your studies!”

“I won't let you take him from me, he belongs in America!” Oda yelled.

“You are being selfish! You cannot care for a 5 year old! You have no wife!” My uncle interjected.

“He is my only family left, all that I have, you know Tane's are gone!”

“He is only 5, you are barely prepared-”

Soft older hands cupped my ears, “Shh, come with me Shuji, let grandma take care of you” She smiled, taking me away to another room. Grandma always held me close that entire month.

I had never forgotten how she cared for me; or how she cried when I got on the plane. I missed my grandmother dearly. I hadn't seen her in 8 years, considering Oda's bad relationship with our Uncle, it made sense why we hadn't gone in so long.

The plane trip was long and exhausting, Kunikida's mother dropping us off at the airport. SFO is huge, but the Japan Airlines section was directly next to the parking garage, and the drop off is super easy. 16 hours of sitting on a plane, with the yummiest bentos and best service imaginable. Call me biased but this was way better than any American airlines food I've tasted.

When we finally got to Tokyo, we were greeted by many taxi sellers, left and right asking to take our luggage. Many of them are scammers, or well, overcharge due to us being American. Oda got a taxi ahead of time, directly to my Uncle Yūji’s house. It was a little bit of a drive, 30 minutes, me and Amber in the back. My grandpa and grandma lived with my Uncle, his wife and him taking care of them.

I had heard my Uncle Yūji had gotten a new house, well, new everything really. A new wife, a new job, a baby. Oda hadn't talked about any of it. Well, since he despised him all together, my previous aunt remarried; the divorce was mainly because she couldn't have children. Oda says it's Uncle Yūjis bullshit that truly ended it, he needed an obedient wife as my brother put it.

When we got to the house it was huge, a small mansion in Kamakura. My grandpa sat outside, cane in his hand as he sat on this fancy bench. As we pulled in he sat up, with the help of my new aunt, Ayaka.

Oda was the first to get out the car, giving grandpa a huge hug. “Japan is so pretty” Amber said next to me.

“Yeah, I don't remember it very well, but it's as exciting as I remember” I said back, it was a huge lie, so many things triggered memories. My father is buried here, it had been almost 8 years since I saw his gravestone. It had been 8 years since…

since-

“What happened?!” Oda screamed, “Please no!” He pleaded outside.

I saw a glimpse of that bathroom, pieces of his skull were on the shower wall. Blood was splattered on the tile. Drip, Drip…

Dripping from the bathroom curtain rack, the body was no longer there.

Drip-

My arms are Dripping, just like those tiles. The red staring back at me, my fingernails dug deep. I could feel myself getting numbed.

Maybe I could Drip from the tiles too?

“Where's my little brother? Where is he?!” Oda screamed to the police, “Please he can't be dead too?” I heard him break.

“He's inside sir but you need to calm down-”

“Is he alive?!” Oda panicked.

“He's alive sir, we're trying to evaluate the scene-”

“Oh god! He saw all of it!” Oda cried.

“Are you okay?” At the time I didn't understand English, “Lets try to not harm yourself okay?” He wrapped bandages around my arms.

“You don't understand, he doesn't know English!” Oda pleaded with the police.

“Let him through-”

Oda ran through the house down the hall, looking at me he bent down immediately. “Shuji? Please, oh god-” He held me close, “I'm so sorry-” He cried, “You're only 4! What was he thinking?!” He started to panic.

“Onii?” I mumbled, it was the first thing I had said. “Onii-chan?” I looked up at him, tears raided his eyes.

“You're okay-” He sobbed, “You're o-okayy-” He hyperventilated into my shoulder. “Shuji-”

I never wanted to be called Shuji again.

“Dazai? Hey!” Amber shook me, hand on my wrist. She had pulled it away from my arm, that was somehow bleeding?

Drip, scratch-

“Huh?” I mumbled, wincing at the pain that was now on my arm.

“Why did you do that-” She looked down at my arm, grabbing a few wipes from her purse. She wiped up the little bit of blood off my arm, looking at me in concern.

“Please don't tell Oda” I pleaded.

“You know I can't do that” She sighed, “Still, why did you do this? Were you overwhelmed?” She asked.

“No, I-” I looked away, “Japan reminds me of-” I stopped, she got gentler with her wipes.

“Of your dad?” She asked, Oda was still talking to Grandpa and Ayaka. “Oda said you had issues like this-” She sighed, “You know, he gets sad too-” She said.

I almost got angry at Oda for saying that but Amber was sweet, “He does?”

I knew he did, but not recently.

“Oda cried last night, said he was terrified to go back, said some memories would keep him hostage-” She worried, “He never says anything to anyone because he wants to appear strong, he wants to be a good father figure-” She kept dressing my wounds.

“I sometimes remember everything-” I felt myself tear up, “It was really bad” I whispered.

“It's okay to cry Dazai” She reminded me.

“In the back of a taxi?” I chuckled.

“Sometimes, our feelings don't care about context” She smiled, “Sometimes, we need other people”

“I'm glad you and my brother are together, you're good to him” I sighed.

“You're a good kid, Dazai-” She complimented, “But this stuff, you need to ask for help-” She pleaded.

“I can't-”

“Oda has my support now okay?” She ensured “You aren't a burden to anyone”

Yeah right.

“I know” I felt tears rise up.

“I don’t think you do know” She pulled me into a hug, “I know your mother is-” She winced, “I know she's gone, Oda has had to be both, but please trust that I'm not going anywhere” She ran her fingers through my hair, “I want us to be a family”

Amber and Oda had been dating for a year, where was all this vulnerability coming from?

“I want that too” I said, holding her, everything was going to be okay. I felt myself calm down more, maybe Oda was right, maybe I needed Amber's pheromones in my life. The small shakes stopped, my PTSD attack slowly subsiding.

“Is he okay?” Oda asked, I hadn't realized he opened the door.

“Yes, just a panic attack-” Amber ran her fingers through my hair.

“Where's my grandson?” My Grandpa pondered, slowly making his way with the cane. I wiped my face quickly from tears, composing myself, and pulling down my shirt sleeve. I pulled myself from Amber, getting out the car.

My grandpa stood wide-eyed, his breath hitched as he looked at me. “Hi, Grandpa-” I smiled softly, my body hesitated by his reaction.

“I never thought I'd see him again-” My Grandpa smiled, “Sayaka!” He called for my Grandmother, she slowly came out, with the help of my aunt.

“Gen- Shuji?” She adjusted her glasses, “Odasaku my dear boy!” She left her cane and shuffled over for a hug, Oda holding her dear and tight.

“I missed you-” Oda smiled.

“I thought Shuji was his father for a second-” She turned to me.

“He looks so much like him-” My Grandpa came over for a hug. I grinned into the embrace.

“Oda, doesn't he look like your father?” Grandma commented.

“He does, it's almost-” I didn't understand the last word Oda said in Japanese.

“Oh! and this is Amber?” My Grandpa smiled, “She's gorgeous-”

“Thank you-” Amber said back in Japanese.

She knew what he said?

“And she knows the language?” My Grandfather’s jaw dropped.

“Chotto-” Amber said, “I'm still learning-” She commented.

“I bet my Grandson has been a good teacher” My Grandma said behind me, giving me a quick hug from behind with a peck on the head.

“Don't worry Amber, all my kids learn English-” My Grandpa smiled with a heavy accent. “Except Ayaka, she is new”

“That's good, I was a little overwhelmed meeting you all-” She pouted.

“Don't be, come in!” My grandmother smiled, I helped her get inside, “You are growing to be such a good gentleman” My grandmother complimented, I helped her to the livingroom to sit on the couch.

“Amber, I'll show you over to the guest bedrooms-” My Grandpa walked us over, the room had a large bed in the middle, honestly it looked like a hotel.

“Oh wow!” She smiled at the room for her and Oda, setting her things in the other room. I stepped in the other smaller room, a small white twin bed sat on the side next to the windows. I sat my stuff down in front of it, sitting down I sighed out. I heard chatter in the other room, my dissociation setting in.

Thank god it wasn't the same house, I would be continuing that panic attack. But I truly thought about what Amber had said, Oda was just as traumatized. He had to do everything, from figuring out our lives to figuring out his own. He never had any time to have a life, and although I know it's my father's fault, I can't help but blame myself.

That was the harsh reality of things, I knew we were here for at least one thing. It was to see my father's grave. I'm not sure if I was ready to see that, ready to face the troubles that it brought. It had been a while since I had self-harmed, and it stung. I stared at the scab, along with the other scratch marks.

I looked at the scar on my arm, the deep one that had almost ended my life when I was 8. That was the last time I had hurt myself, Oda begging me to stay with him. Memories of that day plagued my mind, a week in the mental hospital along with an autism diagnosis. I would never choose to do that again, seeing Oda like that terrified me, terrified me bad.

I pulled up my sleeve, looking out the windows at the small cityscape. Tokyo was so huge you could see it from the outskirts. I was lucky to come back, lucky I didn't kill myself-

“Ne, Dazai?” My aunt opened the door, “Do you want to see the baby?” She asked in Japanese.

“Hai-” I got down from kneeling on the bed, following her up the stairs while grandpa and grandma caught up with Oda. His new wife was gorgeous, red-brown dyed hair with bright round eyes. She looked to be about Oda's age, creepy as it was, that was normalized in Japan.

“This is Yuki-” She showed the little girl in her arms. She had uncle Yūji’s nose, but the rest was all his new wife's.

“How old?” I asked.

“3 months, isn't she cute?” She handed me the baby.

“Y-Yeah-” I hated holding babies, it made me so nervous, but Yuki was as still as a brick.

“Don't be frightened, babies are super still-” She said, but I kinda guessed the middle part.

“When does uncle come home?” I rocked the baby slow.

“In an hour, he's got a tough schedule” She sighed, the baby slightly cooing in my arms.

“Ah-” I nodded, the baby staring at me for a minute, I sat down on the couch that was in the nursery.

“How is it like in America?” She questioned, sitting next to me.

“It's okay” I said, “I just go to school and study” I mentioned.

“Do you get good grades?” She smiled.

“Yeah, all A’s” I mumbled.

“That's good”

“What's life like here for you?” I asked.

“Well, Uncle takes good care of me and the baby, I stay at home, cook and clean, care for grandma and grandpa-” She continued on about her duties as a house wife, I purely was uninterested.

“Oh, thats nice he takes care of you” I smiled, Cause he didn't fucking care for his last wife.

“We're like a perfect couple!” She giggled, taking Yuki from my arms and giving the baby a few kisses before setting her down. “Your Uncle is such a good husband-”

God do I disagree-

“What's for dinner?” I changed the subject.

“I think we're going out-” She looked around.

“To what?”

“Knowing grandpa, something traditional” She nodded, gesturing with a soft bow to leave the room.

I followed her down to the livingroom, my family conversing back and fourth. Just as Ayaka predicted, Grandpa wanted to go to his favorite Onsen with a restaurant attached. And when my uncle had finally come home we went out to the place just 20 more minutes out.

The atmosphere felt different, so different from the last time we were together. Uncle and Oda were getting along well, which was incredibly surprising. Yūji seemed to have changed a lot since 8 years ago. He cared for his wife like a Dutchess; loving their baby with a care I thought I'd never see out of that man. Grandma and Grandpa seemed to like her a lot too. The same way they loved Amber, but who couldn't love that woman?

She was practically an angel in Oda's life.

I ordered a meal with wakame soup and grilled chicken, well, it was a bento. I was going to take advantage where I had it. Oda's cooking sucked and well, Amber was still learning how to cook Japanese meals, she preferred Veit food. At least my days of cooking were squared away unless she wanted a break.

“My boy Shūji! You've been quiet this entire time” My uncle smiled, oh, the whiskey was setting in to him.

“I just can't think of anything to say” I picked at my chicken.

“How's school? Girls? Grades? What you're studying?” He gave some examples.

“School's good, uh-” Girls? My mind flicked to his dark blue eyes. “No girls” I said timidly, my face hiding under my bangs, Ah, Oda noticed that.

“Omegas?” My grandfather cleared up.

Well, why don't ya just hit the hammer on the nail gramps?

“Uh…nah” I scratched the back of my head, why was I being awkward? Oda's eyebrow did the thing, the curious thing. I hate when he's on to me.

“You sound not too sure my boy, let me guess, you feel too young to have your heart soar?” My uncle teased.

“Oh he's so red!” My grandmother's hand hit her cheek, her smile in that cuteness overload feeling.

Was I really that red?

“I think I know who it is-” Oda smirked, slurping his Ramen shorty after.

Odasaku I will disown you I swear-

I shot him the ‘I'll kill you look’ I wasn't aware of the opinions in Japan about gay relationships. Some countries it's entirely forbidden to be with an Omegan male, they're treated like the lowest of the low.

“Oh! Chuuya-” Amber spilled, the table looked at her, that name was clearly male. Japanese had standards for that, my lips formed into a line.

“Chuuya is a wonderful name, he's Japanese right?” My aunt asked.

“Hafu” I picked at my chicken in grief, Amber didn't mean any harm.

“Oh! Just like Tane-” My grandmother commented, the table didn't seem to be awkward about the conversation.

“Chuuya is a boy name though yes?” Uncle Yūji clarified.

“Yes, you're correct” Oda mentioned.

“How beautiful is this, Chuuya?” My uncle asked me, what a creepy way to further explain my best friend.

I was extremely embarrassed as I pulled out my ipod, the texts over insta of me and Chuuya pulled up. He was in LA right now for a photoshoot with Old Navy, a few pictures he had sent had me smiling.

‘LA is so huge! Osamu I wish you were here I would've totally took you!’ The picture was him and Kunikida in front of Hollywood Street with his mom and grandma.

I went up the chat for some of his modeling photos, I almost forgot that Japanese didn't consider him attractive. So Uncle Yūji’s response might be different.

“Here's a photo” I turned my ipod, my aunt's eyes blew wide. The table all huddled around my device.

“He's beautiful-” My aunt gasped, “These look like modeling photos, is he a model?” She asked.

Weird, Chuuya said he was made fun of back at home.

“Yeah-” I trailed, I felt cornered.

“Well, lucky for you us Sakunosuke's are extremely attractive, just wait your turn Shūji, you'll be right on his league!” He patted my back.

“He already likes me” I peeped out like a confession.

Oda spit his Ramen juice out, “This is the first I'm hearing of this-” He sighed, “And I've been letting you two share a bed!” Oda was crossed.

“Have you already gotten your hands on him young boy?” My uncle's eyebrow raised.

“It's not like either of us have presented!” I put my hands up, “I haven't done anything either, we're only 12-” I pouted.

“Hmm, Alright” My uncle sat back down, Oda shooting me a look.

“He's very pretty” My grandmother smiled, “If he hasn't presented yet how do you know he's an omega?” She asked.

“Mother, just look at the thing!” My uncle gestured his hand, “That type of feminine beauty only comes in Omegas!” He smirked.

Creepy comment for a 12 year old Uncle Yūji.

“That's true” Her hands adjusted her glasses, my grandfather nodding to the conversation.

“Hopefully when you are older you two will fall in love-” My aunt teased lightly.

The baby cooed to her comment, the baby bottle dripping on her bib. Amber looked at the baby in awe, her hands under the table as Oda and her showed a glance to each other.

Oda was going to marry Amber I could tell, that love that my aunt mentioned; well they had it, more than anything.

He was a good father to me, Oda was. He'd be an amazing dad to his own children one day. I could see from the glances they were thinking about it.

Slowly, I would grow up, go to college, and have my own life outside of my brother. I could be an Uncle, rather than an older brother to their kid.

I just wanted Oda to have everything, I wanted to be less of a burden.

Chapter Text

Christmas Eve

I woke up to the sounds of the kitchen being messed with, a soft glowing coming from the window next to me. Giggles of my aunt and uncle could be heard as I lifted up. My phone didn't have any notifications as it was 16 hours behind in California. The time was 10am, I had slept in a little. 

A knock came on my door, Oda immediately opening the door after. “Ah, you're awake” He said in English. The door he shut behind him.

“Yeah, sorry I slept in” I notioned for him to come over.

“Uh, so-” He patted his hands on his jeans. “Here's the plan for today” He smiled, “Morning Christmas breakfast is being prepared by Ayaka, we're going to eat in about 30 minutes-” He sighed, “Then we're going Christmas shopping with your aunt and grandma, followed by lunch, because they didn't know what to get us” He deadpanned.

“Okay” I noted.

“Then-” Oda struggled, “We're going to the shrine and evening blessings” He stopped, his eyes slightly glazing over, “Um, then we're going to see Great grandma and grandpa” 

My heart dropped to the ground, “Oh, just grandma and grandpa right?” I hoped. 

“No-” He sighed, “Um, also mom and dad-” He finally mumbled out, “But I also have a surprise for everyone during- t h a t-....

I couldn't hear, surprise? Huh? 

Drip, drip-

The tiles are red again, we'll just play a game right? It's been 8 years Shuji you should be over this. Don't you remember?

Try to remember, the black dresses, the vertical stone. Itchy tuxedos? Oda's breakdown, huh…

My arm is red again, Oda's trying to talk to me, I can't hear him. The skull pieces, I remember picking one up, my dad's hair was black, attached still to it.

“I love you Shuji, it's not your fault” I read on the letter, “Please try to grow up, I know I'm selfish-” The handwriting was frantic, written in Japanese at the time.

“Shuji, please, don't-” Oda sobbed in my arms, “You're all I have!” I remember the sobbing, my wrist bleeding badly. “I hate him! I hate what he's done to us!” He screamed. “What he did to you-”

“D a z ai?”

“Dazai-”

“Dazai!” Oda grabbed my wrists, crap, I was bleeding again.

“Shit-” He mumbled, “Feel my hands-” He mentioned, "Hear my voice?” He asked, I nodded. “What do you smell?”

“Bacon” I mumbled, “Bread” 

“There you are-” He cupped my face, “I need you to be strong with me okay?” His eyes were glossy, “I'm hurting too-” He broke, tears were coming down his cheeks as he hugged me. “Try to remember the grounding your therapist t-taught you-” I could tell he was crying. 

“Why?” I asked.

“It'll help-”

“No, why did he do this to us?” I felt anger boiling, “You could've lived your life-” I sighed into tears, “I wouldn't have set you back” I whispered the last part.

“Dazai, you were the best thing that's ever happened to me” He held my shoulders, “Don't ever blame yourself, you are a good kid, and maybe you're right-” He looked to the side, “I wasn't meant to be a dad yet, but I think I've done a good job, and one day, when you've got your own, I hope you do better than me-” He smiled.

“Oda-”

“Ah!” He shushed me, “Everything happens in life for a reason, even the fucked up things” His eyes let a few more out, “If I had never gone down the path I had, I would've never met Amber” He smiled, “I would've never been ready for responsibilities-” He trailed, “I would've been so unprepared if I hadn't raised you for a life with her” 

My eyes furrowed, all of that was true, I had never thought of it that way. “I'm glad it was you Oda-” I sighed, wiping my tears, “I'm so grateful more than you think-” I cracked, “You are a good dad, you'll be an amazing one to Amber's too-” I felt my sleeve getting wet.

“Thank you, kid-” He pulled me in again, Oda was my brother, I don’t know what I'd ever do if I lost him. I don't even want to think about it. 

I think we both forgot about breakfast as we held each other. My aunt calling several times before we got ourselves together, today was going to be tough, extremely tough on both of us. Even though Oda had 16 years with them, I could feel that he missed them. 

We all ate breakfast together, the day going on as if nothing had happened. The usual talks to the family, my aunt going to breastfeed in her room. Amber and Oda exchanging flirting back and fourth. 

I could tell I was dissociating.

Time was going fast.

The mall was nice, I had gotten Blue Exorcist Merch for my Christmas gift. Another Ramen shop for lunch as my aunt and grandmother talked it up with Amber. I felt so out of place here, like life wasn't real, the world was foggy. My vision was tunneling, and I could just hear my heartbeat at some parts. My chest was rising up and down.

Back to Uncle's, 2 hours until.

2 hours.

I stayed in the guest room.

Trying to figure out how to calm myself, how was I going to face this? It was 4pm, my fingers tapping through the feed of my Instagram. I was ignoring texts at this time, I couldn't burden anyone with this crap. Not this, not even Chuuya.

And as if God heard me-

Chuu: ‘Are you up?’

Chuu: ‘Wait, that's stupid its 4 for you ^_^’

Don't answer.

Fuck-

Dazai-

Stop typing-

‘It's hella late for you’ 

Chuu: ‘Yeah, its 12’ 

Chuu: ‘Merry Christmas Samu’ 

‘It's not Christmas yet :p’

Chuu: ‘Christmas Eve! But what are you doing today?’

Lie.

‘I'm going to the shrine after this, got some merch-’ I went through my pictures, sending it.

Chuu: ‘Is that Ao no Exorcist???’ 

Chuu: ‘I'm so jealous!’

‘I could get you some here’

Chuu: ‘PleASE!’

Chuu: ‘Dazaii- I will love you forever, I'm not kidding 0o0’

‘Love me forever, that's a commitment’

‘I'll get it for you 0-0’

Chuu: ‘THXX X3’ 

Chuu: ‘Waittt can we call? You're not busy right? T-T’

Dazai don't.

C'mon-

Don't hit that-

Chuu: ‘I miss you so much *^*’

Goddammit, you've got a soft spot for that red head-

I locked the door, no one would bother me for an hour at least. My hand hit the call button, usually I would talk to Chuuya in Japanese, but I wanted to take advantage of my relatives' lack of their 2nd language. 

“Moshi Mooosh-” Chuuya answered.

“Hey Chuu-” I smiled into the phone.

“English? Tired of speaking Japanese 24/7?” He chuckled, I lifted my knees to my chest as my heart fluttered.

“Nah, just don’t want my family hearing us-” I smirked into the phone. 

“Oh like we're going to say something nauughtyy~” He joked.

“They know about you” I sarcastically cut him off, “And that we like eachother-”

I heard a squeak from the other side, heat rising to my cheeks, “You told themm??” He whined, “I haven't even met anybody but Oda-” He cut himself off, “Oda knows now?!”

“Yeah-”

“Crap! We can't have anymore sleepovers now-”

“We could have them at your place” I smiled more.

“But my sister will tease me, y'know her” He sighed, “But I guess it'll have to do” There was a long pause of silence before he smacked his lips, “How's Japan anyways?”

“Good-” I wanted to change the subject, “How's Kida’ and Ranpo?” 

“Ranpo got another girlfriend-” Chuuya laughed, he was so pretty when he laughed, I grabbed my shins in thought.

“Ah- Like always” I giggled back.

“But seriously Dazai, are you doing okay?” His voice sounded concerned. “You told me things would be tough”

“I'm good, things are fine-” I trailed, I wasn't lying.

“You aren't being honest, you're using that tone” I could hear his pout through the phone.

I was silent for a moment, Chuuya wanted vulnerability, my heart couldn't deny him sometimes. “I-”

“Samu’… What's wrong?” He sounded concerned.

The tears welled up again, “Y'know, I shouldn't-”

“Don't talk like that Dazai” He cut me off, “I care about you, you're not a burden-”

“I can't do that to you-” Fuck, I was crying, “It's Christmas-” 

“Samu’ Please, what's wrong?” I could imagine the times Chuuya pulled me into his chest, running his dainty hands through my waves.

“During Christmas do you go to the Shrine right?”

“Yeah”

“Well, and after-” I looked away from my ipod.

“You go to see your loved ones” Chuuya finished, “I usually see my grandparents-” 

“That” I finished.

“Your dad” Chuuya gasped sadly, “Dazai…” He said in a worried tone. “Why didn't you say anything?” His voice wavered.

“I've just been dissociating instead”

“That's not good” He sighed, “I should've came with you” 

“No, it's okay Chuu, I'm going to be fine-” I reassured.

“Don't tell me that!” He snapped, “You're not fine-” His breath was hitched, “Should I even ask how your arms are?” 

I was quiet.

“Samu'?” He pondered, “How much?”

“They're fine-”

“Stop lying” He smacked his lips.

“They're bandaged up” I answered.

“Samu’” His voice sounded sad, “Promise me you won't do more, please-” He pleaded, I feared there might have been some tears. 

“I can't-”

“Don't tell me that!” He angered, “Promise me!” He demanded.

“Chuu, I just-” I started sobbing, fuck, Goddammit.

You should've never called, look how pathetic you are. 

No one could love you like this.

Keep it together asshole.

“Dazai? Samu?-” His sweet voice called through the speaker. 

“I'm-” I hiccuped, “I'm sorry” I cried, “Don't hate me-” 

“How could I hate you?” He saddened, “I lov- I care about you Samu'”

I heard that right, I wasn't tripping, my meltdown whiplashed from me, “You love me?” I mumbled into the phone.

“Samu’... I'm worried about you, I want you to come home” His voice was soft. 

“But you love me-” I whispered, “Right?”

“I wasn't meant to say that, it just slipped out” He swore. 

I felt myself get angry, “You weren't meant to?” My voice was slightly venomous. 

“Not like that Dazai-”

“No it's okay, I understand-” I started crying again, “I love you too” I gulped. I hovered over the hang up button, my finger pressing it before he could respond.

I stared at the ceiling, my arms stinging, the feeling of regret setting in. Why would I say that? Why did I care so much? It was too early to say I loved him. But what other way could I describe this? The way my heart craved him more than anything. 

My ipod dinged in the distance, a few times ringing before I crawled out of the episode I was in. 30 minutes before I had to go, and I felt even more like shit.

Ah,

10 notifications.

Missed call from Chuu (4)

Chuu: ‘Dazai please answer”

Chuu: ‘I care about you’

Chuu: ‘Samu please’

Missed call from Chuu (3)

‘Just enjoy Christmas Chibi’ Tears ran down as I typed it out.

Chuu: ‘Samu I'm sorry’

Chuu: ‘I love you too, I'm just scared okay?’

‘Scared of what?’

Chuu: ‘That I'm wrong that I don't know what I'm talking about’ 

‘My heart craves only you’ 

‘I know that's love, I may be 12, but I just know’ 

Chuu: ‘Me too’ 

A knock came on the door, Amber coming in. Maybe it was my distraught look, maybe it was the tear stained cheeks, but her eyebrows furrowed in worry. “Dazai, is everything okay?”

“Does it look like everything's okay?” I sighed out more tears. 

“What happened?” She mumbled out cautiously.

“Well, do you ever just get forced to go to your father's grave, get in a fight with your best friend, and say I love you too soon?” I wiped my cheeks in desperate waves. 

“You told Chuuya you love him?” Amber sat next to me.

“More like he said it too soon, and I returned the favor” I hid under my blanket.

“You sillies-” Amber giggled into a sigh, her hand gently rubbing my leg in comfort. “You're too young to be thinking about love yet” My shin getting overstimulated by her petting.

“I don’t feel young, I feel like there's no one else-” I got up, “And is that bad, that there's no one? I think I know what love is!” I said in a bratty tone.

“Dazai, you are 12… it's normal for you to feel like this, but I promise you it's not love yet” She emphasized the ‘t’.

“What is love then if this isnt it?” I mumbled.

“Love is harder than just being friends, it's being able to find your deepest flaws and your most intimate spaces and still sticking around” Amber was sometimes a poet with her words, her hands pinning her curly locks behind her ear. 

I pouted at her remark, “Maybe you're right, maybe I just am too broken to be in love” I scoffed, “I mean, who would want to be with a person like me” 

“You and your brother are a lot alike you know that? He said the same thing the morning after our first night together" She shared, “He said it was going to be tough, he was like a single father, and if I wasn't up for that, I should leave and spend my years young-” She chuckled.

“Yeah that sounds like him”

“I was 28 then, I don’t know how much younger I was going to get” She smiled, “I stayed, and it wasn't tough, but I still love him” Her cheeks dusted pink, “Somebody will love you too Dazai, just wait, you're only 12 right now, how about you focus on growing up?” Her hand rested on my shoulder. 

“Yeah” I didn't want to focus on now, now was tough, that gravestone was tougher than some stupid crush. Literally and metaphorically.

“Alright, we're leaving in 15, try to dress nice alright? And Oda told me to tell you to focus on your grounding, the EDMR” She mumbled, giving a few pats on my head before getting up.

“I'll try” I watched her close the door. I thought I had locked it, but it looks like I turned it just short of clicking in place. I groaned at the ceiling again. I felt so agitated, annoyed and overall confused.

Intimacy?

I knew exactly what that meant.

Adults were gross.

But if such an act is so utterly beautiful, and leads to cute things like Yuki, maybe it isn't as disgusting as I picture it. I didn't want to imagine Oda naked, I had already seen his ugly mugged snake against my will. I don't think anyone wants to picture their brother like that anyway. As it was, Amber was becoming a sister rather than some random woman in our home day by day. 

I stared at the traditional dark blue kimono.

Fuck this man.

Let me get dressed for the single-handedly shittiest father to roam this earth.

I put it on with a groan, grief had been enough for me today, I was choosing anger instead. It was better to feel emotions like that anyways. Better control of my PTSD as well, I couldn't look like a buffoon in from of my family. 

I looked in the long mirror, grabbing the pomade from my suitcase. I lathered my hair up so it was maintained. Pinning back the waves so one of my ears were visible, half-slicked back look. 

Good I was dressed.

Now I can focus from reality.

Just think of something else.

Ah.

Bright red hair, blue eyes, freckles, soft cheeks; that raspy voice that squares out insults every day. His bright smile and cutest laugh. When he snorts I feel my heart race, almost as if it's the only thing I can feel. His slightly rough hands clasped with mine; my hands ghosting the touch of them. 

I can hear him whisper comfort in my ear, his short hair against my neck. The smell of dove shampoo and old spice cologne, part of me couldn't wait to truly scent him. I wondered, would he smell of vanilla? Or spicy like cinnamon? Or would he smell like oranges as beautiful as his hair? I think anything to me would be addictive, he was like that to me.

I think what I most miss is his insults, that sounds insane I know. But I wish I could hear him call me stinky mackerel right now as I was in the shrine. I couldn't hear the prayers, I do remember pulling the rope for ritual. I could hear Oda and my Uncle. 

I couldn't hear much.

But I started to hear everything when we stepped into the cemetery. I could see the flowers scattered and food placed out for the holiday on each grave. If only I could think of Chuuya right now. But that wasn't possible when I was hyper focused on my surroundings.

Grandpa lit the incense, placing it in the tube, I didn't dare look up, no way I could face him. “Gene’ your kids are here-” My Grandpa whispered. 

Genemon, Tsushima.

The stone read, with a picture of him at the top, we did look alike, I'll give everyone that. Shuji Osamu Tsushima was my original name. Dazai was something I made up, not that I lied to everyone but every time I'd hear that name; I'd break down. Oda was lucky to be named after mom, Tane Sakunosuke-Tsushima was her name, buried right next to my father. Her stone was also there.

Oda placed Kani Salad on the platform in front of him, along with a cinnamon Japanese cheesecake for mom's. “I brought your favorite, it's Shuji's too” He said in a broken voice, Amber rubbed his back to comfort him. “I've tried my best-” He said in English, “To fulfill my promise-” Tears started flowing, watching Oda break always broke me inside. 

I knew what promise he was talking about. 

“Odasaku, please promise to take care of Shūji, you're all he's got now, I'm sorry”

I had snuck reading that letter Oda had hidden from me, along with my personal one. I wasn't crying, which was surprising, but my brother was practically sobbing. Maybe it was the dissociation, maybe it was my anger. But I couldn't feel anything, I was practically numb.

“T-This is my fiance-” 

That was new information, when did he propose? 

“Amber, she's going to be an amazing addition to the family” He smiled, “Grandpa and Grandma love her too-” He added. 

Everyone was watching Oda as he put some pictures down from over the years. Me in kindergarten, my elementary school graduation photos, my first completion of English tests. Oda's own graduation, his first badge, Amber and his’ first date. Then there was another picture that was put down.

The black with layered sketchy white, in a cone shape.

“This is your grand baby, Otōchan, Okachan” He smiled at both of their graves, the sudden trip all made sense. The joint trip to Vietnam, Amber's miraculous vulnerability change, everything clicked together like little puzzle pieces. 

My uncle and aunt stood in slight shock, but then proceeded to a joyous reaction. My grandma and grandpa hugged Oda so tightly he was out of breath. While Amber conversed with grandma about how far along she was. 

Two months.

Two fucking months.

How long have they known?

Ah, when Oda asked her to move in that must have been the time.

I stared at Oda in confusion, anger, betrayal, oh that was the word, betrayal. I was his brother? His fucking brother and he couldn't tell me for months? Now I'm standing in front of this stupid grave at my Nephew? Niece? I should've known. In fact, I should've been the first to know. 

“Shuji?” My uncle smiled, holding my shoulder.

I felt the tears, I hitched my breath, I didn't feel replaced. I didn't feel like I was jealous of their baby, this is all I've wanted for Oda. But I felt like I'm just stuck, like he's moving on with his fancy family, and I'm just here. Stuck in that stupid house, with those skull pieces in the cupboard. The stupid Nokia phone in my hand, the screaming. 

And I'm just fucking stuck.

Dissociate.

Dissociate Dazai-

C'mon’

Just-

Red hair, deep ocean eyes, His smile-

“Shuji call this phone when you hear the bang okay?”

Red hair.

“Shuji, I love you-” 

“Shuji?”

Sharp canines.

“Dazai?”

“Dazai?!” Oda's voice rang, blood on my wrist again, god, I promised I wouldn't look like a fool in front of my family.

“Don't touch me!” I screamed in English, “Don't-” I started crying, “Just, leave me Oda-” I started walking away down to the shrine again.

“Dazai-” I was dissociating so hard I couldn't tell who grabbed my wrist, I went to go claw at Oda, stopping myself. “Please, we aren't leaving you” Amber whispered.

I was silent at first, I wouldn't dare hurt a pregnant woman, or Amber, “I'm not afraid of that” I mumbled.

“I thought you would be happy, you're going to be an Uncle-”

“How could I be happy?!” I snapped, “Happy that my brother, the only one I've got in this world is keeping life altering news from me for months!” I felt my chest rise up and down in anger, “He was my brother before you! It was just me and him in this fucking mess!” I pointed to the gravestone, to my family. 

“Dazai, we would've told you if we-”

“No you wouldn't have!” I interrupted, “Because you're part of this new chapter in his life, and I'm just-” I started sobbing, “I'm just- I'm fucking back there-” 

“Dazai…” She pulled me into a hug, I felt myself calm down, the crying getting better. My family staring at me with the look of, he didn't get any better.

The look of pity.

“I told you he should've grown up here-” My uncle muttered. Oda turned around, gritting his teeth, but before he could react I did.

“Oda raised me well, your brother is the one that fucked me up!” I snapped, “I may have been 4, but knowing how terrible you were to your previous wife I don't think I'd ever want to live with you!” My face ripped away from Amber's chest. 

“Excuse me?!” He yelled, Aunt Ayaka holding him back.

“Am I not speaking Japanese clearly enough for you?” I tilted my head. “I was sure I was fluent-”

“You ungrateful!-” He muttered.

“Ungrateful? I'm ungrateful?! All I've been is thankful that Oda sacrificed everything for me!” I pointed out, “He's done more for me than this asshole has ever-” I pointed to the grave, “Oda's put off this life for years in the benefit of me” I sighed out with a huffed. 

“Shuji!” My Grandpa snapped, “This is your father-”

“I'll make it clear here since you all seem to misunderstand-” I scoffed, “I'm not mad Oda's having a baby, I'm not mad he's getting a better life, I'm mad that my brother, the only one I had left-” I looked at him, “Decided to not tell me he was getting better, that he was a father, that I didn't get to experience that moment with him-” I felt my heartstrings tear. “That's why I'm sad, not this-” I gestured to the entire grave with a hiss.

Oda was quiet, realization hitting him at my words, that's when the look of ‘I'm sorry I messed up’ hit his expression. “Dazai…” He mumbled, “I just wanted it to be a surprise for everyone” He tried his best to smile. 

“I guess the guest room is the baby's now?” I rolled my eyes.

Amber sighed, “Yes, later it will be but the crib will be in our room” She explained. 

I stared daggers at Oda, switching back to English, “How'd it happen?” I crossed my arms. 

Oda awkwardly shuffled, “Well, y'know how babies are made-” He stopped.

“No-” I pinched my temple, “How did you fuck up when she’s on birth control?” I sighed. 

“Our cycles lined up” He sighed, I felt myself look away in disappointment. The week I was asked to stay at Kunikida's and Chuuya's was that week. Of course, birth control rarely works when an Alpha and Omega match up on rut and heat. It's extremely rare without a bond being made for it to happen. 

I felt so stupid, a trip to Oregon? And I really believed that then. I had stopped crying by now, this was Oda's decision. I would be upset, get over it, and enjoy my stay in Japan and Vietnam. 

“Dude, you're really stupid for that” I finally responded, like a little brother rather than Oda's first kid. 

“W-well-” He stumbled, “I didn’t expect this to happen but, I think God had other plans-” He stared at Amber, “Other happier plans” 

I was sad, sure, but after the shock, saying what I wanted to say to Uncle Yūji, and calming down. I felt content with what was going on. “Next time you have a kid, tell me” I switched to my native tongue. 

“I will-” He sighed, “I'm sorry”

Uncle looked pissed in the distance with Ayaka, while grandpa and grandma were in shock. I almost forgot we were in front of my father's grave, mother's and father's. “I wish you ate that bullet when I was born” I muttered to him.

“Shūji!” My grandmother exclaimed. 

“Obaachan, go with Uncle” Oda gestured both of them over, walking them to the bare cherry blossoms.

“Dazai…” Amber put her hand on my shoulder for comfort. “I know you're angry but please try to calm down”

“No! Why do I have to keep suffering because of this asshole!” I bit my lip, “All because I was born-” I sighed, “I wish I was never born” I muttered out, Amber's eyes blew up wide.

“Don’t say things like that Dazai, you were born for a reason” She saddened, “Without you Oda would be alone in all of this-”

“If I was never born, he would've had this life already with a kid, and zero gravestones” I pointed to the printed gravel, the baby picture placed down on each of them.

“You can't change the past, what's done is done, I can't beg for my father to come back-” She shook her head, “I can't take the fact that he overdosed from reality, what ifs don't exist in this world” Her eyes darkened with those words, a small melancholy air filled the area. A deep quiet followed what she said; there was truth to that. I could never take back my birth, or take back his suicide. All these events shaped the present, Oda would’ve settled for a different girl than Amber if all these didn’t occur. The baby in her belly wouldn't exist, the happy moment with my family would cease. “So stop pondering what could, think of now-” She finished, “Be strong now” She muttered aloud. 

“I'm tired of being strong, I want to be angry-” I sighed out. My fists balled up, my breath hitching. “Why does he get to rest easy? Huh?!” I sniffed up my running nose. 

“You're spitting daggers at dirt Dazai, he can't hear you” She looked at the gravestone. 

“I know!” I pouted, my shoulders slouching, “I know…” I whispered out with a long pause. I saw Oda come back up the trail, a heavy foot in his steps. He was definitely upset, I never liked when Oda was seriously mad at me. I felt my heart drop when he was like that. 

“Dazai, I know you’re upset, but don’t be a dick to your grandparents!” He snapped, “You’re being disrespectful” His eyes narrowed.

”You forced me to be here, in front of this!” I yelled back. 

”Don’t cuss in Japanese in front of them!” Oda’s voice grew louder, his stance becoming angrier.

I gritted my teeth, my fists balling up, “I can say whatever I want to him as I please, he traumatized me-”

“He traumatized me too, so shut up, and get into the car-“ He cut me off, “I’ve had enough with your attitude, it’s obvious you cannot be grown enough to handle this” He started grabbing my arm to lead me down the trail. 

I pulled away roughly, fighting back at his restraint, “Grown enough? Oh, like you’re so grown Oda, look at you-“ I scoffed, “Can’t even control a 12 year old” 

“Dazai- I have tried being as respectful to you as I can-“ He laughed into a grit of his teeth, “I’ve even said sorry to my decision on my child and how to celebrate-“ He gripped my forearm. “But you’re acting like a grade A fucking brat!” He yelled, “Get it to-fucking-gether and stop acting so awful to people who love you!” 

My stare had daggers, I tried to rip my arm from his grasp, Oda was strong, of course he was a police officer. “Get off!” I yelled, his grip tightened.

”Oda-“ Amber snapped, “That’s too much” She grabbed his arm, Oda’s grip loosened, his face softening.

“Maybe Buddha is sending me karma for my teenage years” He muttered, looking to the ground, I felt myself breathe rapidly. My own heartbeat grew to my ears, I think I was seeing red but I could slowly feel it coming. My skin felt like fire, my ears hurt, sounds became muffled and loud. My balance was off, and my once clean kimono was in the grass. I covered my ears trying to cancel out the sounds of my screaming, my tears didn’t stop. Amber or someone stopped my fists, they were hitting my head I think. 

It’s been a while since I’ve had a meltdown.

Why now?

Was I really being a brat?

My head hurt.

“Dazai?” Amber’s voice called, the audio was ringing as she petted my hair. Oda was right next to her, holding me up. I could slowly hear my breathing come back into my senses, I was choking on my own spit. I coughed into my arm, lifting up to sit; my throat burned from the screaming, my breath hitching on itself. ”You okay?”

”I’m fine, I’ll go to the car” I said with a rasp in my mumble. “I don’t want to see the family after this” I felt more tears well up.

All you do is cause stress for everyone.

“Dazai-“ Oda went to touch my shoulder.

”Leave me alone!” I snapped, “I get it, I ruined your moment, so I’ll leave it!” I got up with a small limp. I walked down the trail, past the shrine, avoiding eye contact with my family. I got into the Toyota, feeling the leather seats against my fingertips. My cheeks were wet, my tears rolling by the minute.

I knew I couldn’t do it.

I was still weak even though it had been so long.

-

Chapter Text

Our trip to Vietnam was filled with much more connection and family time than Japan, Oda and I were still on weird terms after the break. I didn’t talk about my meltdown with anyone, but I did apologize to my grandparents for the scene I caused. The guest room was slowly turning into a baby room. The full sized bed was removed and replaced by a lone crib. No colors were chosen yet as the baby was fresh and without a gender. 

So many changes to tell the quad squad when I got back to school. I was hoping by then the bruises from myself would start to subside. I hadn’t told Chuuya anything, but I did send photos of Christmas family photos to him, along with apologizing for snapping at him. We were back to normal after that, texting back and forth and sending our favorite anime content. 

I didn’t avoid Oda but I knew I wasn’t as friendly to him as normal, and by the last day of break he said we were going to go out. I thought that meant as a family but by the time I was in the Corolla I realized Amber was going to work. We drove down to Japan Town in North San Francisco. We usually go to Hanami and Obon every year. We ended up parking a bit from the main center. We walked to Miyako's, an old ice cream place that’s been around for god know’s how long. 

Oda and I sat in front of each other, it had been so long since I’ve been here. I almost forgot how good those old ladies’ sandwiches were. His arms were crossed, and so were his legs. I know we were about to talk about something important with his stance. “Ya’know you can’t give me the silent treatment forever”

”I can sure try” I sarcastically responded. 

“Dazai, I brought you here cause we needed to have a big conversation”

”Hmm” I responded, continuing on my sandwich.

”12 years ago I was brought into this ice cream shop for the exact same reason, I know you’re technically going to be an uncle, but you’re going to be a big brother figure to this baby” He started, “I need you to start being responsible and contributing to the house more often-“

”Don’t I already do that?” I asked after a bite.

”What I mean is-“ He paused, “I mean you need to be a good role model” He finished, “No more, stealing cupcakes, avoiding homework, slamming doors” He finished, “You have to be a good brother figure” 

I rolled my eyes slowly, “Again the cupcakes were because we had no money” 

“Not an excuse” He sighed out, “This is what I mean, you are still arguing why the bad things you did were okay” 

“Did you just set up this meeting to argue?” I squinted my eyes in anger.

”No-” He snapped, pinching his temples, “I set this up so you could realize your antics don’t just affect you now” 

I paused, okay I was listening now, “How would it affect a baby?” My brows furrowed in confusion.

”Babies learn from people Dazai, they will learn from you and how you act” He chuckled at his own words, “So you need to be on your best behavior”

“Alright” I sighed in annoyance, “I'll try to bring on better behavior in June-”

“In now-” Oda interrupted. 

“Why now?”

“You need practice-”

“I'm fine” I finished.

“Dazai seriously” He pinched his temple, “Take this more than a grain of salt” 

“You want me to practice fine-” I laid my chin on my arm, “Just don't put me in front of that asshole again-”

“This is what I mean with the cussing!” He flailed his arms, sitting back into the seat with exhaustion. 

“You never had a problem before!” I pouted.

“Well, now I do” He furrowed his brows. “Babies can't be cussing” 

“It'd be funny-” I whispered.

“Dazai” He looked daggers into me, “Stop joking around” He gave that serious look.

”Fine” I set my milkshake down. “What’s the special talk you want out of this?”

He adjusted himself, sighing aloud he looked up in a sort of praying way. “I want you to know what it’s like to be a role model, a figure in this baby’s life-“ He gulped, “You’re going to be a big brother, and when you’re older an uncle”

”Ah yes, I’ll make sure to take after Uncle Yūji”

”Absolutely not”

”Jokinng-“ I sang out with a hum.

”Dazai, you’re going to be an eighth grader, and after that it’s high school, you understand right?” Oda raised his brows.

”Yeah I get it” I puffed my cheeks in stress.

”You can’t mess around in high school, you have to actually study for college-” He reminded me.

Oda I’m only in 7th grade chill-

“Are you listening to me?” He waved in my face.

”Yes, I’ll be more attentive to my grades” I promised, “And I’ll be a good older brother, not cussing in front of the baby…” I said with a defeated tone. 

“Okay, good” He nodded, “Ya’know I was brought here for the same conversation for you when I was 16” Oda mentioned out. “Except I was a little more of a troublemaker” He chuckled with a tone of sarcasm.

“Are you excited?” I changed the subject, talking about my father made me want to high dive into San Francisco traffic. 

“To be a dad?”

“Yeah” I confirmed 

“I’m more scared than anything” He scoffed into an awkward laugh, “Even though I’ve already done this before with you, I didn’t get all the baby stuff y’know”

”Wasn’t I a pretty calm baby though?” I asked, “Same with you, it shouldn’t be too hard” I slurped up the straw. 

“Dazai, I was a normal baby, you were autistic” There he went again, pointing out the obvious.

“Yeah and what if your kid pops out with the same thing, what are you gonna do? Tell them they’re not normal as well?” I scoffed. 

“Dazai-“ He closed his lips on his words, his face bordering on anger, “Seriously how much longer are you going to be mad at me when you messed up?”

I was silent after that.

“I don’t want to go to Japan ever again” I finally responded, “I don’t want to be forced to see that man, Uncle Yuji or anyone there” I bit my words, “I’m not putting myself through such trauma again for the sake of someone’s happiness” 

“You mean my happiness?” Oda interrupted, “Dazai you’re being selfish, never seeing any of your family again or their happiness because of dad?” 

Me? Selfish?

”All I’ve ever done is not be selfish!” I snapped, “You put me through a meltdown on purpose in front of the whole family, you knew I couldn’t handle being at that grave-“ I felt tears well up, “You tried to drag me to the car like some-“ I fumbled on my words, “Like some animal”

”Dazai you were acting out of control-“

”I was having a PTSD attack!” I slammed my hands on the table, the restaurant started to stare.

”Okay, calm down…” He lowered his arms in motion to ease the tension. “I know you can’t handle that stuff, but your family Dazai, don’t cut them off because of him-“ His eyebrows curved, “Obaachan and Ojiichan will be so sad to never see you again, they don’t have many years left… Are you going to refuse to see them on their deathbeds?” 

“I-“

”And this baby they need to see the family, they need to witness their culture, are you going to refuse those moments with them all because of this?” He got slightly upset, “That’s the selfishness I’m mentioning” 

“No…” I mumbled, “I just never want to see him again, not for a long time” I looked away.

“You don't have to go to the grave, just please don't abandon your family” He begged, “Uncle Yūji I understand, but the rest don't deserve your anger” 

“Okay” I sighed, “As long as its not him”

“Sure you never have to see him again” Oda agreed, clearing his throat he took another bite of his food. I stared outside the window, the fog of San Francisco was harsh this morning. Everything that seemed so familiar and strange at the same time, was this what it felt to grow up? You start noticing stupid things like the fog? Oda was right, I needed to be mature, find myself past this bullshit. 

The new year had started, my mistakes raining heavy on me. Oda didn't deserve my anger, my rage. This was all caused by my father. The mist in the air reflected that, like a stupid book you read where they mention the curtains mean depression. My shake was slowly melting too, so I sipped a little more. I couldn’t believe I was turning 13 in June. It didn’t feel like that much time had passed, it didn’t hit that second semester had started. I didn’t want to think about how middle school was about to get a lot harder, along with trying to figure out hormones. Oda was having a baby on top of all of this.

Here I was complaining like a brat about it.

I needed to toughen up.

-

“SEE! BR-acseees” Ranpo opened his mouth to show them off. His bands were a tan-beige with ceramic middles. 

“I told your dumbass they were going to look rotten!” Chuuya scolded. 

“They do look like they're stained” Kunikida commented.

“They match my outfits!” He defended, “Ya'll are a bunch of haters!” He closed his mouth.

“Just get purple or something next time” Chuuya scoffed, “They look terrible” 

“They do not!” Ranpo jokingly shoved his backpack into Chuuya.

“I'll fucking punch you! You bucktoothed-” 

“Watch your language Nakahara!” Mrs. Hansen snapped. “This is school”

“Sorry, excuse me” He lightly bowed, going past the teacher. 

Ranpo snickered as she walked down the hall, “Yeah, watch it, Chuuya~” He laughed harder.

Chuuya then punched him in the gut, Ranpo grabbing at his stomach in pain. “How about you watch it-” He joked back. “Next time I won't punch so easy” A smirk hit his lips.

“Eaasy?” He winced, “Punching like a full on Alpha-” He coughed out. 

“You're just weak” He waved his hand off, flipping his red hair behind. Chuuya turned to his home room, waving off to all of us. Since he was the only one with Omega anatomy, he had a separate home room from us. 

We all walked down to Mrs. Fredrick's class, taking in the atmosphere of being back to Middle School. I wish I was home again, not dealing with any of this crap. 

Homeroom was pretty chill, followed by math, then lunch, LA, Science and History. We all decided to go over to Kida's house. His mom always makes us dinner, but the main rule was we had to finish all of our homework before video games. Which mostly followed us pretending for an hour to do stuff. We talked about the winter break, and our vacations. Ranpo had gone to Florida over the time off. He annoyingly talked about how the girls were there. 

Last thing I wanted to hear. 

Chuuya had a lovely Christmas with his mom and sister, getting a brand new iPod for a present. Soon I shared what I had gotten. I was extremely happy about the computer I had received; since Oda was on about high school and stuff. The conversation eventually got to-

“She's pregnant?!” Chuuya and Ranpo yelled, I shifted awkwardly on my futon pillow. 

“Yeah, that getaway-” I mumbled, “To Oregon-”

“Oh they fucking lied” Ranpo chuckled, motioning in the air. 

“I don't want to think about Oda like that!” Kida’ belched his tongue out. 

“Neither do I” I pinched my temples. 

“She's really pregnant?” Chuuya asked again, his mouth agape, “They're not even married-”

“That's common in America though-” Ranpo added, looking over at Chuuya. 

“They're getting married after” I said, “Amber wants to fit her dress” 

“Wedding dresses are hard during pregnancy” Chuuya nodded, “Makes sense”

”Dazai’s gonna be a brother-uncle, so he’s gotta toughen up!” Ranpo grabbed my neck, putting me into a headlock to ruffle my hair, “And-“ He struggled as I began to bite his arm, “Hey! Stop-“ I bit harder, “Ow! Motherf-“

”This doesn’t look like homework” Kida’s dad scowled at our behavior. 

“We got our math done though-“ Chuuya pouted, me and Ranpo unlocking immediately to sit up, showing our homework.

”Alright, as long as you got something done” He left with the door closing behind him. 

“Oh! Caramel Apples!” Chuuya jumped to dip the bunny-cut slices. Kida’s Mom must have cut them, and that’s why his dad interrupted us. Ranpo jumped in second, chowing down on the honeycrisps. We did have some LA homework to do, but essays were easy compared to fractions. As I chomped on some apples, I thought about how fast this baby was going to come, 6 months now. That meant it was due shortly after my birthday, which meant way less presents this year. 

That genuinely sucked.

It was just the beginning of January, I had quite a while before she gave birth. I had been practically an only child since then. Oda didn’t spoil me by any means, the only reason I got a computer was because of high school prep. I was grateful since minecraft 1.7 with taiga biomes had come out on PC. But it won't be released for another year on ps3. 

I tried begging for a ps4, but was swiftly told no. Probably because I was already getting a laptop. As a cop you only make so much, so getting big presents are few and far between. Either way I hoped this new baby didn't bring too many financial problems. I remember the months after my dad’s death were hard on Oda. He put everything on credit cards, putting himself in huge debt to get a place for us. It wasn’t sunshine and rainbows with dad’s will too. He had quite literally 5,000 to his name, if it weren’t for Uncle Shuji we would’ve been homeless. Oda cried those months, mainly not from grief but for stress.

He seemed so happy these days, Amber had been the best thing that’s ever happened to him. The love in his eyes, they didn’t lie; he looked at her like the world was falling down. That same look was given to the baby bump every time he placed his hand there. He never was that happy with me, just the look of worry, pain etc.

I remember the first time I was in the testing room, the grey walls, followed by the monotone voice of the psychologist.

“Well, results vary from age, so he should be retested in 6 years.”

“Autism doesn't even run in the family-” Oda started to argue, “I mean, it's genetic right?” His brow furrowed. 

“Sometimes it could stay what we like to call dormant” He sighed, “So most likely it was that way with your parents” 

“He just, sometimes he gets upset and hits his head, I thought maybe it was from trauma-” He trailed, “He's only 7-” Oda started to tear up. “He's been through so much” 

“I understand it's been hard for your family, I'm so sorry about that” The psychologist hummed in empathy. 

“What s-should we do, what does he need?” Oda sighed through gulps. “Will he have a normal life? I mean he was mute for a year after his death-” Fear could be heard from the almost whispers Oda was sharing. 

“People with Aspergers can live pretty normal lives” The doctor nodded, “I'd start with some ABA and work with his symptoms as best as possible” He stood up with his white coat to give resources in the area of San Francisco. 

“ABA?” Oda muttered. 

“Yes, it's for those social skills he's lacking, why he has no friends up until now” He gestured. 

“I have friends” I mumbled quietly, “I have my dog coco” I argued.

“Coco is a good friend, Dazai” Oda nodded, “But you need some real friends” He worried. 

“Humans don't make sense” I looked away, holding on tighter to my stuffed turtle. 

“And now you know exactly why” The doctor pointed to my diagnostics. 

“Thank you for everything” Oda bowed to the man as much as he could. His eyes filled with welled up tears. He trembled as he got up from the chair to say goodbye to Dr. Cheng. 

Oda clenched that paper in his hand, 7 different diagnoses all in bold. We exited the Grey room, into the grey hallway. The silver elevator opened, as we walked slowly back to the car. He tossed the papers to his side, looking at them over and over. He rarely showed any signs of hurting. 

He started to sob. 

“This is all his fault!” He screamed through tears. “If you had just a normal-” He breathed, “A normal life, this wouldn't have happened” 

“I'm sorry” I started to feel tears, that same buzzing in my ears. Slowly it turned to ringing, the ringing was so unbearable I started to hit my head. I was punching so hard, my nose started bleeding. Oda held my sides, restricting my arms behind me, he started to soothe my breakdown. Poor Oda, he shouldn't have to deal with me anymore. It would be better if I was just dead. 

Better if I killed myself. 

“Don't hurt yourself please-” He begged through tears, cleaning up my bloody nose. 

Later in my life I read through those 7 diagnoses. I started to understand why Oda had broken down.

1. Asperger's Syndrome

2. Manic Depression 

3. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

4. Panic Disorder

5. Generalized Anxiety Disorder

6. Social Phobia

7. Pervasive Developmental Disorder

Chapter Text

April 29th, 2014.

A random Tuesday for the rest of everyone, but a certain someone’s locker was decorated in flowers, cards and confessions. He had cut his hair short to his ears over a modeling company requesting it. His lips pursed into a thin line as he opened the locker to find it stuffed with letters.

“I actually hate this-” He mumbled angrily, picking up the fallen letters.

“Well, you could tell a lot of people like you” I commented the bright side.

“Yeah, like I fucking want that” He rolled his eyes, stuffing the few in his backpack. “Hopefully there's some money in them for snacks later” He sighed, getting out his math book.

“I'm saving your present for this weekend” I smiled, “Hopefully you won't be pissed at it” I chuckled tilting my head.

“You guys I actually care about” He laughed, I stared at his smile a little too long for my own liking. We started walking to class together, Kida’ running up the Chuuya with cookies.

“I got your favorite!” He exclaimed, Chuuya grabbed the box with a smirk.

“Ginger snaps?” Chuuya shook his head, “Who told you these were my favorite?”

“Ranpo”

Both me and Chuuya busted up laughing. He hated ginger snaps. “I hate these-” He giggled.

“When I find that little sh-” Kida censored himself as he looked at the teacher. We all filed into the class. A few of Chuuya's admirers as I like to call them; were bombarding him with Happy Birthday's.

Math was pretty boring, along with the other classes we had. Over the day Chuuya's gifts increased to me holding them as well. They were expensive things from 8th grade Alphas who thought buying clothes was the way to go. Chanel shoes to Gucci shirts, and Chuuya didn't like a single gift he had gotten.

He hated the clothes he wore for clothing brands too. Chuuya on a normal day wore Hot Topic like it was his favorite person. He loved spiky belts and anime t-shirts. His favorite band at the time was My Chemical Romance and Fall out Boy. His new short hair suited that look way better.

Ranpo and Kida’ had already been picked up, and Chuuya's mom said I could come over. He had been complaining about each of the presents sitting next to me. His face was so cute when he was angry.

“I mean, I'd just take it all to donation, I'm sure some kid would love those clothes” I took out a Gucci shirt for example.

“I hate that none of them know me, I mean seriously, in what world would I wear this?!” He scoffed, “At least you, Ranpo, and Kida’ try”

“We're your best friend's though and also not trying to get in your pants” I chuckled in disgust.

“Truly” His teeth chuckled with fangs. Chuuya always had pointy teeth but this was a little new. How had I not noticed they had become so prominent?

“Chuu-” I mentioned, pointing to my mouth.

“Hmm?” He tilted his head, opening his mouth, “Do I got something in my teeth?” He pulled out his iPod to look.

“No it's not that” I shifted awkwardly.

“Chuuya! Dazai! 帰る時間だ！” Chuuya's mom yelled from her black SUV. We both got up in unison.

“行きます！” Chuuya called out, looking around to grab the bags. He stumbled coming up to the car.

“何これ？！” She exclaimed at the amount of presents surrounding us.

“Presents” Chuuya replied, putting them into the back of the car. I followed behind with the few I picked up, we both hopped into the seats in the rear.

“That's a lot of presents” Mrs. Nakahara replied, getting onto the gas. “How was school for both of you?” She questioned, Chuuya groaned at the thought.

“It was annoying” he replied in our native language. “I hate math”

“You have to learn, you can't just depend on looks alone” She turned her head to us in the back.

“Apparently Alphas will just buy me anything” Chuuya mumbled bratty under his breath.

“Chuuya” His mom said in a strict tone, “Being beautiful and smart is good”

Fuku was undeniably a beautiful woman who was smart. If anyone got their looks from her, it was Chuuya, Kōyō was also very gorgeous in the family as well. Although from my understanding unlike her mother she was an Alpha. That lady had learned English so fast and passed her proficiency test in less than a year. She also was working at a university teaching Japanese as well.

Chuuya huffed at her comment, laying on my shoulder in protest. “Fine, whatever” He waved off, “I don't wanna think about this stuff”

“Alright, what for dinner tonight? It is your birthday." She sighed.

“Can we go to that place with rice bowls?!” Chuuya shot up with excitement. “I love that place”

I smiled at Chuuya's request, he was so cute when he got excited. Fuku chuckled lightly at his reaction. “Sure, sure we’ll go” She confirmed. His eyes lit up in sparkles, with his recent modeling he had little carbs in his diet allowed. As harmful as that was, Chuuya ate whatever he wanted. With his high metabolism nothing really stuck to his sides at all. If anything he was already as twig as they came.

“Rice bowls…” He drooled at the thought of it.

We turned down my street, pulling into the end house’s driveway. Chuuya’s grandparents' house was a beautiful white surburban home with grey rocks on the trim. The inside was less homey, with lots of countryside modern design. When we got out of the car, Kōyō greeted us with a hug. Her and Mrs. Nakahara talking out the evening plans, me and Chuuya snuck past them. The living room had a white leather couch with a small pomeranian. The dog did not yip, just got up and excitedly licked our shins. “Pom POm-“ Chuuya chuckled, grabbing the dog up.

”Oh my grandson is finally a teenager!” Chuuya’s grandma scooped him up into a large hug, smothering him in kisses on his cheek. He groaned slightly at her actions, holding onto the dog for dear life. “Thirteen!” She gasped out with a smile, the dog finally free from squishing.

“I know, I can’t believe it” His mom came in, ruffling my hair and Chuuya’s hair.

Him and I slowly snuck our way out of the kitchen to the stairs, Pom Pom following behind. The adults were finally distracted from the evening’s plans, leaving us to finally make it to Chuu’s room. With the door closed, both of us sighed out in exhaustion; a huff escaping me as I placed down my backpack. Chuuya laughed following our escape, “Pom Pom barely even made it!” He giggled, the dog slightly barking to his name.

“I was scared for his life” I joked.

”Should be scared for mine-“ Chuuya pulled up his hair into an updo, his band bracelets jingling with every swish of his hand. He grabbed his ps4 remote, a smirk hitting his lips, “Wanna play?”

“You know I do-“ I grabbed the controller, landing on the bed with him. He pulled up Minecraft, both of us booting up the survival world together.

“Shit-“ He scoffed, “I think Kida’ had the diamonds last” He sighed out in annoyance.

“He did, it’s not in my inventory” I complained, “We can search for more” I notioned, grabbing a pickaxe.

“Yeah” His tone was monotone, with his jacket off, Chuuya had nothing but a loose band top. You could see every freckle that expanded over his shoulders, and with his hair up. I blushed at staring too long, you could see his neck. “Dude, you’re dying!” He exclaimed.

I jumped up, killing the skeleton, when did it become night? “Sorry, spaced out thinking about caves in the area”

“Well, get back to the base!” He laughed, I sped back, actually thinking about caves now.

“Dude… I think Kida’ raided all the caves nearby” I sighed, “We’re gonna have to go off-base”

“Alright, I’ll grab the coords” He pulled out his iPod to take a photo.

”I’ll grab the beds” I went to go mine them, my head suddenly became fuzzy, a weird tingly feeling.

”Alright, I made a boat” Chuuya sighed, I held my head in thought. What was I doing? I felt my skin become sensitive by the second. Was I about to have a meltdown? I know I wasn’t overwhelmed in the slightest, Minecraft was a healthy stimulant for me.

“Yeah, I’m-“ I felt my heartbeat pick up.

“Dazai? Are you okay?” He held the back of my head, I hadn’t even noticed I was laying back.

“I think it’s-“ My throat was so dry, my senses were so overwhelming, “A meltdown?” I knew I didn’t sound sure of myself. The room suddenly became so slow, the smell of ocean, tangerines, and amber assaulted my nose. “Do you smell that?”

”Smell what?” Chuuya asked, looking at me confused, I felt a wave of heat hit my body worse than I’ve ever felt in my life. I put my hand on his collarbone, grabbing onto his shirt. “Dazai?” He asked again, my hand went up to his neck, holding it there for a bit before pulling it back to my face.

I sniffed my hand again, the scent stronger, I lifted up as fast as I could. “I-“ The world shifted multiple times, my head becoming dizzy again, “I need to go home-“ I breathed, trying to keep my heartbeat down.

”Why are you trying to leave?” He pouted, the scent was even worse, intoxicating, “You can’t go on my birthday”

“Chuu, I’m afraid of myself right now-“ I held myself, my arms wrapped around me. “I don’t want to hurt you”

”Don’t leave Samu’” He started tearing up, the scent was getting progressively intense to the point of unbearable. “Please stay” He said the last line softly as a plea. “You still owe me your promise” His voice was above a whisper, but I heard every word.

“Chuuya I’m afraid-“ I felt him crawl on the bed, “I mean we’re too young-“ I interjected, “And I feel-“

His lips crashed into mine, I guess he was tired of waiting, my eyes blew wide, but my heart soared in an instant. His lips were so soft, hair too against my cheeks, his fangs lightly hit my lips. I pushed away gently, breathing softly while my head reeled over and over. “I love you” Chuuya bit his lip, “It’s not just like Samu’”

“I-“ More heat waves ran over my body, “Chuuya this is a very bad idea” I gulped my saliva in my mouth, why did my teeth hurt?

“For us to be together?” His eyebrows curved in anger.

”No I think-“ I looked to my left and right, “I’m in rut” I uttered out, like my last confession.

”And I’m in my first heat” Chuuya confirmed, “I want to keep kissing you” He grabbed my wrist, rubbing it on his neck. “I’ve been in pre for the last hour” His eyes glimmered with a certain luck, a certain emotion I could only describe as lust.

“We’re too young for-“ I gulped, looking down between us, “For that”

“Kissing, nothing else, I don’t want anything else yet” He promised, a pinky held out.

“Fine” I said, “No tongue, no grown up stuff-“ I nervously said.

”No grown up stuff” He clasped our fingers together, putting a kiss on my cheek.

“Okay” I confirmed, I still thought this was a very, very bad idea. The way Oda described how a Dominate Ruts went, it wasn’t for the weak. I didn’t feel normal, my vision going in and out as Chuuya grabbed my face again. His lips shifted lightly against mine, the room bursted with the smell of ocean. He was so pretty with his hair back, my fingers resting on his cheek, pinning back the ginger locks. My eyes opened on our actions, his red lashes still shut closed. Chuuya looked so beautiful under the dim light of the daytime. My heart was throbbing so loudly in my chest, his kisses ending with cheek pecks; his nose nuzzling into my neck. My senses got worse, the dizziness worsening, I felt myself black. I couldn’t see very much anymore, just the sounds of breathing. The feeling of skin, the small yips that escaped Chuuya, he seemed in distress, but I wasn’t aware of what was happening.

The taste of iron, like when I licked my self harm wounds back then.

Was it blood?

Did I? Hurt someone?

Was it my own blood, god I hope-

“Daz-”

”Daza-“

Somebody was calling me? Right?

”Okiro!”

Wake up? I was already awake.

“No! No please!” That was Chuuya’s voice. “It was my fault, I begged him-“

Distress, he’s in distress, I can smell it, almost taste it.

“Dazai, let go!” Pretty sure that was Koyo, “Somebody get Oda!” I smelled another Alpha, not as strong their smell was weak.

“Dazai, don’t go-“ Chuuya whispered, “You don’t have to listen to them” I was holding Chuuya, I could feel it, his clothes were still on.

Thank god.

”Chuuya, let go of him”

”Onee-San no-“ He begged, soft crying could be heard, “This is all I’ve ever wanted!” He screamed, the room got worse. She started dragging Chuuya away slowly, my fists swinging as another adult pulled me away.

“Let me go!” His screams were curdling, as I pushed my way through, trying to fight my way back to his side.

”Dazai yamate!” I heard Chuuya's mom yell. I felt myself growling, like some wild animal. I wasn’t thinking clearly at all when I was kicking, I swear my legs were just moving on their own, his mom holding me tighter.

”Let me go.” I felt an unfamiliar voice escape me, everyone started holding their ears and pinching their noses; finally breaking free I ran to get Chuuya out of Kōyō’s arms. I tried grabbing him past her restraint, but I couldn’t get past them.

Bite

Claw,

Hit-

“Shuji! Osamu Tsushima-“ His words hit like a thousand tons, “I’m very sorry I have to-“ The smell of rain, pine, and oak filled my entire being, the words-

Stop

Don’t continue,

Cease,

All of it made my body shake like a leaf, I kinda understand why this was banned in public. Fuku and Chuuya were shaking as well, but it was more out of fear than anger like I was. “Stop, please-“ Chuuya begged, “It hurts”

I felt myself get up to go to attack Oda, but I was more crawling at that point.

“Dazai, stop trying to fight everyone, Chuuya is safe” The room became clearer and so did my head at that point. “It’s just the pheromones, which you left me no choice but to use” He calmed down, Chuuya was crying silently.

”What happened?” I asked, the waves of heat still hitting over me. “I couldn’t see, or tell what I was doing” I mumbled out.

”Dominant switch, your first time witnessing it” Oda pointed out, “And mixed with a submissive, it’s pretty bad” He noted.

”Don’t take him away” Chuuya sniffled, “I need-“ He started sobbing.

”I have no choice young man” Oda noted, “When you get a clear mind, you’ll see it’s the heat talking” He snapped his fingers in gesture.

”Noo-“ Chuuya whined through tears.

”It’s already gonna be a lot to reverse that mark” Oda’s face curved upwards in worry. “Probably why you’re going crazy for this one to stay” He pointed down at me.

Mark?

I marked him?

I looked over at Chuuya, his neck was covered in bites. The taste of blood, that was when I must have- “I’m beyond sorry” I bowed immediately, my eyes looking at the tan carpet underneath me, fully bent over. What have I done? I know myself better than that, I know better.

“I wanted it” Chuuya mumbled, “It was my fault, I made you promise-“

”This is none of your fault!” Kōyō snapped, “It’s his-“ She gritted her teeth. “I bet he told you this was a good idea too, coerced you into it-“ Her eyes were like daggers. Oda stared at me with disappointment, a soft pouted sigh to his left.

”I did” I lied, Chuuya would get in so much trouble if he was the one-

“Oh you are grounded for a long time!” Oda snapped, “I’m debating if you should even get to go to his birthday or have-“

“Don’t lie!” Chuuya yelled, “Stop saving everyone from getting in trouble-“ His teeth showed as his bit into his words, “I convinced him, the whole time he said it was a bad idea!” Everyone stared over at Chuuya, in shock.

”Don’t lie to me right now Dazai” Oda bent down, I bit my lip over. “You know I hate it when people lie to me”

”I did it” I repeated.

Chuuya got up, pushing through Kōyō to grab my arm, “Stop it” More tears fell from his eyes, “You promised me, I made you promise-“

”Promise what?” His sister scoffed.

”Promise to kiss me” Chuuya admitted, “Almost a year ago I did, Dazai said we were too young, so I just-“ He threw his head into his hands, wiping tears, “And this time he said we shouldn’t-“ His eyes watered, “I told him I wanted to”

”This is no excuse for marking you” Oda’s mouth went into a line, “He knows better than to do something like this” His eyes peered over to me, as I looked away, “Good thing those aren’t permanent, and you can reject it”

“The scar might not be” Kōyō rolled her eyes.

Chuuya sniffed quietly, “I-“

“Did you beg for that too?!” Kōyō snapped.

”No, we both agreed-“

“I don’t even remember doing that” I felt myself cringe at that, looking down at my hands. Did I really do that? Mark him against his will? “I’m extremely sorry, I blacked out, I never meant to hurt-“

”I’m not hurt!” Chuuya defended, “We both said yes-“

”Neither of you legally said anything as you were under hormone influence” Oda corrected, “But I’ve taught Dazai better than that to be convinced to do something he knows could end this way” He sighed, annoyance reaching his face as he pinched his temples.

”I’m sorry again” I bowed, “I do know better, I should’ve gone home the moment symptoms started” I felt so humiliated, my first kiss and it ends in this?

I hate it here.

“I also apologize, If Chuuya needs any medical attention, I will take full responsibility” He switched to Japanese to tell his mom. “He is legally my child” He commented.

”No no!” Fuku lifted him up, shaking her head, “My son, it’s also his fault” She pleaded.

“No, it’s this little Alpha’s fault, I mean, are you seriously going to let him get away with this?!” Kōyō’s voice filled the room, “I mean in technicality what he did was illegal!”

“Kōyō, there’s no need, it was just an accident” His mom interjected, “They’re best friends”

“I understand your point of view, promise me Dazai will be grounded after this for a long time-“

”He can still come to my birthday right?” Chuuya blurted.

”I’m not even sure you will have a birthday considering your condition” Oda mentioned his current state. “But when you feel better, and Dazai feels better I’m sure you can come to his birthday”

“Come to his birthday?!” Kōyō snapped, “He shouldn’t even-“

”Sorry for Kōyō’s attitude” Fuku covered her mouth “She’s just passionate”

“Dazai, can you stand?” Oda asked me, I lifted off the floor slowly, my vision very blurry as putting those drunk glasses on in elementary school. “Good, we can walk home then” He turned quickly. I followed behind holding onto the walls.

”Wait!” Chuuya said from down the hall, I halted and leaned against myself. “Does he have to go?” His pout was paired by the most begging eyes I had ever seen.

“You al-“ I caught my breath, “You already know the answer to tha-“

Black

I think I was seeing black again.

I remember biting now, how the connection felt, how he sounded, I wish I had never done it. The yelling, him hitting at Kōyō, and I fighting his mom. How he felt underneath me, everything felt so right in that moment. He wasn't just beautiful, Chuuya was right, he was whole. Everything felt so apparent in that moment, so right.

His lips were so soft and slightly slippery. His waist was pretty, a cute belly button that sent my head spinning. The feeling of my fingers rested there, it was wrong, so wrong to want this at 13.

What were you thinking, Dazai?

I was being carried, like when I would fall asleep in the car. I could hear the puttering of rain in the background, his soft breathing. I heard the door opening with a creak. The smell of a thousand suns hit my nostrils. Sunflowers and honeysuckle; if a bee had a smell it would be this.

Who smells like that?

It wasn't Oda.

“We need to pick up some rut aids for this one” His deep voice said.

“Is Chuuya okay?”

“He'll be okay, just some rejecting-”

“Let me handle it” Amber whispered, my body transferred over to her. A feeling of calm surrounded my body, like little tingles.

“If you keep doing that-” Oda said with a smirk, “I might just lose my mind-”

“Oda!” She blushed, “This is for the baby-”

“I know” He cheekily grinned. “When's that ever-” Amber hit him, the soft sound of a thud against his belly.

“Enough of your shenanigans!” She snapped, my head finally coming to semi-normal. “He's waking up”

“Sorry” Oda winced.

“What happened?” I mumbled, “What was that?” I asked.

“Rut soother, usually the Omega of the house does this to calm a child's pheromones, only for the first few times though” She answered, her eyes filled with worry.

“Is it safe?” I mumbled. “Nothing-” I couldn't finish my sentence.

“Nothing sexual Dazai, Oda is being a menace!” She snapped at him, “It smells similar to what is released during a heat, but it's very different, it can help Omegas too during their cycles-” She winked.

“Ah-” I felt my body sway. I marked Chuuya, “Is Chuu okay-” I barely whispered. “I didn't mea-” I felt tears well up, my eyes blinking them away as much as I could.

“Chuuya will be okay, marks aren't permanent” Amber smiled, “Especially this young, these mistakes happen all the time with teenagers” She put a cold rag on my head, “There'd be a lot more teen pregnancies if that were the case”

“Okay” I didn't want to hurt him, it just happened.

“We're still talking about this and you're grounded young man” Oda folded his arms, seriousness in his tone. His footsteps heading towards the door. “Please take care of him Amber, it's going to be a long week” He sarcastically chuckled.

“You'll be okay, think you can walk to your room?” She helped me lift up. I wobbled lightly, but found my footing to stumble over to my bedroom. “It's okay” She smiled, hand around my waist for support. She set me down on the bed, putting covers over me.

“Amb-” I swallowed, cotton-mouthed, “Amber, does it hurt for you?” I asked, what I really meant is; will Chuuya suffer?

“What do you mean?” She adjusted my towel on my head.

“Heats, do they hurt?” I pondered.

“Not as much as Ruts, it's more of an ache” She answered, “Like something's missing but you know you can't have it”

“Slick must be… annoying” My voice came with a rasp, “Chuuya was leaking through” I mumbled.

Her eyebrows curved in worry, “Poor thing” She sighed, “He must've not had pads yet”

“Pads?” I coughed.

“Heats have a lot of liquids for Omega's, usually you wear a pad to soak it up” She confirmed.

“Ah” I nodded.

Chuuya-

Hopefully he gets some.

“Dazai?” Her voice was wearing out as my lids felt heavy. They were like weights on my eyes. I was drifting again, hopefully to sleep this time. Hopefully I will just sleep this off. Then I could go back to normal, pretend none of this happened.

Pretend like I didn't hurt Chuuya.

And we can be best friends right?

Right?