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Natalie's hands were shaking, but she didn't care. Her clothes smelled like sweat, but she couldn't bring herself to care. Her life had turned into a shit, but she ignored it, snorting more coke off the nightstand.
She didn't enjoy it anymore. She had stopped enjoying it a long time ago. She no longer felt satisfied and happy like she used to. She was in pain and ill, but her body demanded more and more.
She missed the days when she would smoke weed with her friends after school and go to practice with wide black pupils, feeling Jackie's disapproval. She missed the time when Jackie would approach her and gently pat her shoulder, asking if she was okay, but Nat would just roll her eyes.
It is all gone now.
There is no Jackie and nothing to hold her up. How long has it been since the guys and the girls were found, maybe a year or so, and Natalie's still living like she's trapped in the woods with no way out. She still hopes she'll be rescued, but there's no one to rescue her.
Their whole "team" broke up, and Nat's all alone, like nothing changed.
"Bitch," Nat whispers, swiping the snot off her nose that won't stop dripping. Her skin around her nostrils and mouth is all irritated and flaky from the drug, but she ignores it. She needs to forget, she wants to let go and feel, if only for a second, that everything's okay, but it doesn't happen. She's still messed up. Every time she takes another dose, she gets anxious, followed by a full-on panic attack. She should quit before it's too late, but she can't.
She's spiraling, and what does she have to lose?
"You look terrible," someone says. Natalie frowns as she hears a distant voice. She immediately starts coughing and looking around, feeling another wave of anxiety and panic.
"What?" Natalie's throat gets dry as she finally sees who it is. Her face relaxes as she sees Jackie standing in front of her, in that damn uniform again, with that damn ponytail and yellow rubber band on her head. Why does Jackie always look so real? Natalie's breath starts to catch, and she just wipes her lips with her hand, instantly regretting it as her skin starts to itch more from irritation.
"You look terrible," Jackie repeats, tilting her head to the side as she sits down on the bed next to Natalie. She's staring at her so intensely that Natalie wants to look away, but she doesn't – she just stares back, trying to figure it out.
"And you look just as beautiful as always," her voice was hoarse and barely audible. Natalie didn't know why she said that. She wanted to take it back, but it was too late. Jackie was grinning and nodding, still staring at her. "Are these hallucinations?"
"Maybe," Jackie was still smiling, but her eyes gave nothing away. Natalie thought if she closed her eyes, Jackie would disappear right away.
"You’re a ghost?"
"Maybe."
"Then maybe you should fuck yourself?" Nat's lips were twisted into a grimace, she was already pissed off by everything that was going on. Jackie raised an eyebrow, her face still calm, like nothing strange was happening.
"Sorry… or whatever," Natalie wanted to grab her wrist, but pulled back. She was afraid she wouldn't feel anything if she did. Nat was afraid if she tried to grab Jackie, her hand would go right through and it would turn out to be just another bad trip.
Jackie nods at Natalie and her eyes soften. She climbs onto the bed and tucks her legs under her, tilting her head slightly and looking at Nat. Why did Nat suddenly feel so embarrassed? Jackie wasn't here. She couldn't be here.
"What happened to you?" Jackie says softly, exhaling. She quickly looks around the room, seeing all the mess on the floor and the remnants of cocaine on the nightstand, but she doesn't frown. She just looks at Natalie with tenderness and compassion. "I didn't think I'd see you like this."
Natalie just grunted and shook her head, letting out a strangled laugh. She didn't even want to answer, and she looked away, feeling a rolling disgust towards herself. She knew a bright future wasn't waiting for her, she wasn't as smart as Tai and Shauna, the doors didn't open for her like they did for Jackie. She was just there, watching, unable to hold back her envy, which quickly turned into self-hatred. Could things have been different?
"And I never thought I'd live longer than you," Natalie said anyway, not looking at Jackie. She felt a bitter taste on her tongue and a lump in her throat, making it harder to talk. She wanted to keep staring at Jackie, wanted to hug her and cry, but she bit her cheek, not feeling any pain.
"I miss you too, Nat."Natalie holds her breath and looks at Jackie in confusion. Why did that feel so disgusting? It had been so long, but she still wanted to erase it from her mind, lock herself away and peel herself alive. Natalie sees sadness in Jackie's eyes. Is it for herself or Nat?
"I'm sorry..." Nat's lips start to tremble and she shakes her head, trying not to cry. She lowers her head and rubs her tired eyes. Again, she mutters "I'm sorry...".
Jackie's expression softens and she moves closer to Nat. Her hand stops on her shoulder, like she doesn't know if it's okay to touch her like that. But still, Natalie felt a light touch that made her take a deep breath. She felt like another word and she would burst into tears right there. Did it matter? Why was she so hurt and embarrassed? Why couldn't she cry even when she had Jackie's ghost hallucination?
"I'm here, Nat," Jackie said, as if she could read her thoughts, and she gently stroked her shoulder, "that's all..."
"You're not here!" Natalie interrupted her rudely, raising her voice in frustration. She looked up at Jackie with teary eyes and her lip started to tremble, "I want you to be here, but I'm all alone!"
Jackie's eyes widened in surprise. She opened her mouth like she wanted to argue, but no words came out. She was silent and just nodded briefly, taking a quiet breath. Even then, she looked like a dream, while Natalie looked like a nightmare.
"And that's why I'm sorry," Jackie whispers, giving her tired shoulders a gentle squeeze. Nat knows she's not really there. She doesn't feel hot or cold, just the presence of Jackie. But is that enough?
"You're shivering." Natalie's lips press into a thin line. She didn't notice her body covered in goosebumps or her breath growing shallow as she remembered the last dose she took. She doesn't feel good or peaceful. For a long time, she hasn't felt anything good – just pain and withdrawal. Even now, she's feeling sick and disgusted, and Jackie's presence only makes it worse, reminding her of what happened in the wilderness.
She sees Jackie breathe softly, looking at her with so much pity in her eyes that Nat wants to escape the room. She hates being pitied, especially when she's like that. But she just clenches her fists harder, nails digging into her palms as she tries to stay strong.
"You okay?" Nat doesn't answer, just nods slowly, feeling like his heart's about to explode. Or is that just because of the coke? Jackie hesitates, like she's not sure what to do, but then she gives her a small smile. She sits down next to her on the bed and leans back against the wall. "I'll be here until you feel better."
"Do you want to stay here until I die?" Natalie chuckles, wiping her tears with trembling hands. Jackie shakes her head, a giggle escaping her lips. That makes Nat's stomach do a funny little jump.
"Maybe."