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Paulie threw the carpet that had been hanging on the wall to the ground and flattened it out. “Come on, Chrissy.”
“The fuck are you doing?”
“Wrappin’ him up.” Paulie gestured for Christopher to help flatten the carpet.
“In a carpet?” Christopher couldn’t believe this was actually happening. “We in a fuckin’ cartoon?!”
“It’s not a carpet, it’s a wall hanging,” Paulie said curtly. “Now fuckin’ help me.”
Christopher sighed angrily and flattened the rest of the carpet.
“I can’t believe it, he’s still fuckin’ going!” Paulie gestured at Valery, disgruntled by him not dying yet.
“What do we do?” Christopher also looked irritated by him not being dead. He just wanted this over with. “Gun draws too much attention… Maybes we should strangle him.”
“Nah, just let the carpet do the fuckin’ job.” Paulie couldn’t be bothered to spend another moment on this guy. “We’ll wrap him nice and tight.” He chuckled as he grabbed Valery by the shoulders. “Get his legs.”
Christopher grabbed his legs and felt taken aback by how heavy he was. “Jesus! Even his fuckin’ legs are heavy.”
They both grunted with exertion as they moved him onto the carpet.
“Pass that over.” Paulie gestured across the room.
“What?” Christopher looked behind him.
“The duck tape.”
“Duct tape. Duct tape!” Christopher attacked Paulie’s mispronunciation, pissed off by this whole situation.
“Don’t get smart with me, Chrissy.” Paulie glared at him. “Duck tape, goose tape, I don’t give a fuck. Now fuckin’ get me it!”
Christopher stormed over to the duct tape and walked back over to them. “We’re never gonna hear the end of this, Paulie.” He shook his head as they started to tape the carpet to him.
“It was an accident,” Paulie lied even to himself.
“Some big fuckin’ accident.”
They rolled Valery over to tape him from the other side.
“How we gonna tell Tony?” Christopher asked.
“I gotta put some gas in the car, I’ll call him then.” Paulie paused taping Valery for a moment to fix his hair.
“And say what?”
“That I fucked his ma, the fuck do you think?”
They finished taping him up and then looked down at him and then at each other.
“What now?” Paulie asked.
It took Christopher a moment to reply because he was so dumbfounded. “I don’t fuckin’ know! You’re the one who did this!”
Paulie looked at Valery and thought things through. “Let’s just carry him out to the trunk. There’s two of us, one of him. The weight’ll disperse,” he tried to sound confident.
“Paulie, you could be standin’ on my head and we still wouldn’t be as big as this fuck.”
“Speak for yourself, I’m 5’10.” Paulie looked offended
“In whose fuckin’ shoes? Your goomah’s?”
“You’re gettin’ to be a real cunty little prick these days, you know that?” Paulie pointed at him and then at Valery. “Help me pick this cocksucker up so we can get outta here.”
They glared at each other briefly and then leaned down to pick him up. Paulie had his shoulders and Christopher had his legs. They managed to lift him.
“See, I told you we could do it!”
It was incredibly difficult for both of them to keep carrying him.
“I’m gonna get a fuckin’ hernia,” Christopher complained as they approached the door.
Valery made noise from inside the carpet.
They both stopped walking and looked each other in the eye.
“He’s like a fuckin’ cockroach!” Paulie felt tempted to just shoot him.
“Fuck.” Christopher started to lose grip on the carpet because Valery was so heavy. “I gotta drop him, Paulie!”
“You fuckin’ dare drop him, Chrissy!” Paulie yelled, also barely holding on.
The weight got too much for both of them and Valery fell to the floor. The bang was very loud.
“You think anybody heard that?” Paulie asked nervously.
“I think the deaf fuckin’ heard that.”
“Go check out there, see if anybody came out.” Paulie gestured for him to look out the door and then glared down at Valery.
Christopher opened the door ajar and peered outside. He rushed out the door and Paulie reached for his gun, thinking somebody had come to confront them.
“Look at this fuckin’ thing!” Christopher came back in the apartment pushing a cart that had been in the hallway. He shut the door behind him.
“If there’s ever a sign that we shoulda killed this prick, this is it!” Paulie chuckled and pointed at the cart. “Get him up on it.”
They dragged him onto the cart, both sweating from how much work this was.
“Check again before we go out there.”
Christopher looked out the door again and then turned back to Paulie. “Nobody’s there.”
“Fuckin’ A.” Paulie kicked the brake off the cart. “Let’s get this cocksucker acquainted with Stalin, heh heh.”
“Who?”
“Shut the fuck up.” Paulie had given enough history lessons for today.
They walked quickly towards the elevator, looking over their shoulders. Then Christopher pushed the button over and over again.
“Imagine if they didn’t have an elevator.”
The doors opened and they got inside. Christopher then pushed the close doors button over and over again.
“What happens if somebody’s there?” Christopher asked once the elevator started moving.
“Where?”
“Waiting for the elevator.”
That thought hadn’t even occurred to Paulie.
“I don’t know, we don’t got another carpet…” Paulie looked around thoughtfully.
The doors opened before Christopher could reply. No one was there.
“Another sign this prick shoulda died.” Paulie chuckled as they left the elevator.
“You sure he’s dead?” Christopher asked as they walked towards the exit.
“We wrapped him up, he’d’a suffocated by now even if his windpipe wasn’t broken,” Paulie said confidently. “By the times we get to burying him, no fuckin’ chance he’s alive.”
Christopher didn’t look convinced. “Just ‘cause in Goodfella–”
“You watch too many fuckin’ movies, kid,” Paulie interrupted him. “He’s dead as a dodo.”
“I thought it was doornail,” Christopher was being intentionally pedantic again.
“Why the fuck would a doornail be dead?” Paulie knew what Christopher was doing. “It’s a doornail, it never even lived! Stop being so fuckin’ cunty.”