Work Text:
Text conversation with angel😇
May 30 2020 5:23 PM
Crowley: surprise
Crowley: its me
Crowley: this is the grand high arsewipe gabriel monitoring you through this small black rectangle
Crowley: kidding lolol
Crowley: very much kidding
Crowley: shit i hope you didnt throw the phone out the window
Crowley: its me its crowley
Crowley: i know you can see this
Crowley: i got delivery notification on the package like half an hour ago
Crowley: and i know you love getting packages and always open them right away
Crowley: the thing youre holding is called a smart phone
Crowley: not smart like intelligent
Crowley: it just does more things than just make calls
Crowley: still technically a phone tho
Crowley: it CAN make calls
Crowley: but texting is more fun
Crowley: this is texting im sending you text messages
Crowley: theyre like tiny letters you send between phones
Crowley: no stamps required 😆
Crowley: you can type things back to me you just need to unlock the phone first
Crowley: its very easy
Crowley: when the screen is lit up you just have to swipe up
Crowley: angel
Crowley: angel
Crowley: okay too much
Crowley: lets assume that none of this is intuitive
Crowley: put one finger on the bottom of the screen and move it up toward the top
Crowley: move your finger i mean
Crowley: dammit angel I know thats you trying to call my regular phone
Crowley: IM NOT ANSWERINF
Crowley: YOU CAN DO THIS
Crowley: dont do it dont leave a message
Crowley: youre leaving a message
Crowley: IT ISNT “NONSENSICAL” ITS FUN
Crowley: AND IM NOT CALLING BACK
Crowley: JUST TRY
Crowley: come on there are a bunch of little cute pictures you can put in text messages
Crowley: look its you 😇🍰☕️
Crowley: come on try again
Crowley: hold the phone in one hand
Crowley: when you get this text the screen will light up
Crowley: look at the bottom of the screen
Crowley: should be little words that say swipe up to unlock
Crowley: take one finger of your free hand
Crowley: put it on those little words
Crowley: and move your finger toward the top of the screen
Crowley: that should unlock it
Crowley: okay wait
Crowley: if that worked youll just get little popup notifications at the top of the screen
Crowley: okay ill write short messages now
Crowley: so they fit in the popups
Crowley: there are little square pictures on the screen
Crowley: theyre called icons
Crowley: they take you to apps
Crowley: tap the green one with the speech bubble
Crowley: wait thats probably confusing
Crowley: with your finger
Crowley: touch the green speexhbubble icon with your finger
Crowley: that opens your text messages
Crowley: im the only one in here
Crowley: see me? should say crowley😈
Crowley: tap my name
Crowley: finger again
Crowley: you should be able to see all my messages now
Crowley: down at the bottom theres a little oval thing where you can write back to me
Crowley: OMG ITS MARKED AS READ YOURE HERE YOU DID IT 🎉🥳🍾
Crowley: arent you clever
Crowley: tap in the oval with your finger
Crowley: a little keyboard will pop up
Crowley: alphabet its just an alphabet
Crowley: write a message
Crowley: you can send the message with the little blue arrow there on the right
Crowley: angel
Crowley: ANGEL
Crowley: what is the holdup
Crowley: ohhhhhhhhh wait wait
Crowley: i know what went wrong
Crowley: aziraphale you are killing me 😫😫😤😖😖🤬🤬😖💀
Crowley: ooooooooooookay
Crowley: okay
Crowley: the little alphabet is a keyboard
Crowley: look at the left side of the keyboard
Crowley: right there under the a, next to thr z
Crowley: theres an arrow
Crowley: tap the arrow
Crowley: theres your Proper Capital Letters
Crowley: theyll pop back into lowercase after one
Crowley: or you can double tap the arrow to SHOUT LIKE THIS
Crowley: RHIS IS HOW YOU SHOUT IN TEXT
Crowley: so dont do that unless youre yelling at me
Crowley: which i suppose you might want to do after all this 😁😁
Crowley: now
Crowley: below the arrow, left of space
Crowley: little 123
Crowley: tap that and you get numbers and punctuation n all that shit
Crowley: little happy face down in the corner brings up all the pretty pictures
Crowley: which are emojis but please please dont ever use that word
Crowley: my head will explode if i hear you say emoji
Crowley: now will you PLEASE TEXTME
Crowley: omb i see the dotdotdot
Crowley: its happening
Crowley: why is this so exciting lol
Crowley: what will it be
Crowley: what is his first ever text
Aziraphale: Look, it’s you: 😎🍷
Crowley: ANGEL
Crowley: LMAOOOO 😂😂🤣🤣🤣😂🤣
Crowley: im fucking cryinf laughing so hard
Aziraphale: What does that mean?
Crowley: angel
Crowley: you know
Crowley: the thing that you are
Aziraphale: Not that. The other message, with all the happy faces. It isn’t a word. What are you even saying?
Crowley: it’s an acronym
Crowley: guess
Crowley: btw if you doubletap the space you get a .
Aziraphale: Left My Apron On?
Aziraphale: Late Magicians Always Offend?
Aziraphale: Look, More Ancient Obelisks!
Crowley: have you considered context
Aziraphale: Love My Apples and Oranges?
Aziraphale: Lemon Merengue And Oolong? Oh, now I really wish I had pie.
Aziraphale: Let Me Ask Others?
Aziraphale: Leftover Milk And Oats?
Aziraphale: Like My Ascots Orange?
Aziraphale: Legalize Marigolds And Orchids?
Crowley: angel
Aziraphale: Little Mustache, Always Ornate?
Aziraphale: Lollies Mean: Always Optimistic!
Crowley: angel please
Aziraphale: Lick My Angry Otter.
Aziraphale: Leaving My Avocado Overnight?
Aziraphale: Let Me Announce Opera!
Aziraphale: You were right, this is fun!
Crowley: AZIRAPHALE ATOP
Aziraphale: Little Monsters Are Odious!
Aziraphale: Love Means Always Ordering (food).
Aziraphale: Lipstick Makes Anthony no, wait, how do I erase something?
Crowley: little boxed x lower right of keyboard
Aziraphale: Thank you.
Aziraphale: …What about erasing something that’s already been sent?
Crowley: cant do that
Crowley: its there forever
Aziraphale: Well, ignore it.
Crowley: sure thing lol
Aziraphale: What is lol?
Aziraphale: Is that another acronym?
Crowley: NO
Crowley: no
Crowley: its an earth word
Crowley: just means somethings funny
Aziraphale: Ah! Lol. I like it.
Crowley: what have i done
Aziraphale: So what is LMAO, really?
Crowley: means somethings very funny
Aziraphale: It sounds like a French cat.
Crowley: like a what
Aziraphale: When you say it. Le-mao?
Crowley: thsts it
Crowley: im going to personally reduce your phone to its fundamental atoms and scatter them the whole way between here and alpha centauri
Aziraphale: Why?? You’ve only just given it to me!
Crowley: youve committed a crime
Crowley: the texting police will be there any minute
Crowley: nice knowing you
Aziraphale: Oh, that isn’t a real thing.
Aziraphale: Is it?
Aziraphale: Come now, Crowley, that isn’t fair.
Aziraphale: What did I even do??
Aziraphale: There isn’t a police division for this, is there?
Aziraphale: You’ll tell them I didn’t know what I did wrong?
Aziraphale: Crowley, you’ll come and get me, won’t you??
Aziraphale: CROWLEY!
Crowley: bloodyhekl will you calm down
Crowley: i put down my phone for literallt one minute
Crowley: theres no texting police angel
Aziraphale: Oh, you’re so mean!
Crowley: 😈
Aziraphale: What is the point of texting, anyway? You could just call.
Crowley: texting is nice
Crowley: dont have to sit down to talk
Aziraphale: But I like sitting down to talk.
Crowley: well you can still call me
Crowley: ill answer next time
Crowley: promise
Crowley: but consider this
Crowley: if I were walking down the street
Crowley: properly masked and distanced of course
Crowley: and happened to pass a bakery
Crowley: and saw a lemon merengue in the window
Crowley: i could text you like oi would you like some pie
Crowley: and say you were out in the park with a book
Crowley: nowhere near the phone in the shop
Crowley: you would see the text
Crowley: and you would say
Crowley: ??
Aziraphale: But I’m not at the park, I’m here in the bookshop.
Crowley: its a hypothetical angel
Aziraphale: Oh! I see. I’d say, “Yes, pie would be marvelous! How did you know I was craving lemon merengue?”
Crowley: lucky guess
Crowley: dingdong
Aziraphale: Hold on one moment, there’s someone at the door.
Aziraphale: Crowley, where are you??
Aziraphale: Did you really leave an entire pie on my doorstep and flee the scene? Come back!
Crowley: can’t congregate
Crowley: lockdown rules
Aziraphale: That isn’t fair, I didn’t even get to see you!
Crowley: i saw you lol
Crowley: through the window
Crowley: nice tie is it new
Aziraphale: It is, actually, thank you. You’re very sneaky!
Crowley: eat your pie 🥧
Crowley: but you could keep texting too
Aziraphale: Well…all right.
Aziraphale: I’m taking the pie upstairs.
Aziraphale: It smells heavenly. Freshly set, I can tell.
Aziraphale: I cut a piece, and I’m sitting down at the table.
Aziraphale: It’s rather a large piece.
Crowley: its free pie dont measure the pieces
Crowley: just enjoy it
Aziraphale: You’re right. And you’re right about texting, too—I can talk to you here in the kitchen! Even while eating! I’m chewing right now, but I’ll bet you can’t even tell!
Crowley: cant tell at all
Crowley: how is it
Aziraphale: Smooth as silk, exactly the right level of tart. Oh, this is just what I needed. Thank you so much, Crowley, this is the sweetest gesture.
Aziraphale: Pardon the pun! Lol!
Crowley: it’s just what i n
Crowley: fuxk
Crowley: disregard, ignore that
Crowley: glad you like the pie
Aziraphale: …You know, I can see how asking to ignore something doesn’t really work.
Crowley: 🤬🤯 please shut up
Crowley: another fun thing about texting is that i can put down my phone and walk away
Aziraphale: No, don’t go! I’m enjoying this!
Aziraphale: Consider it ignored.
Aziraphale: Thank you for the smart phone. And for teaching me to use it. You’ve been very patient.
Crowley: you caught on quick
Crowley: expert texter already
Aziraphale: Well, I haven’t really gotten the hang of the emotees yet.
Crowley: the what
Aziraphale: The little faces! The emotees! They’re adorable. But there are SO MANY of them! It took me ages to look through them to make the one that looks like you.
Crowley: allright
Crowley: i gave you a phone
Crowley: you owe me
Crowley: so heres the deal
Crowley: you texting me is my official lockdown entertainment
Crowley: everyday were stuck like this you need to text me
Crowley: i am not joking
Aziraphale: I don’t know why you sound like you’re trying to convince me. I would be happy to text you every day!
Aziraphale: We can still call sometimes, too, right?
Aziraphale: Sundays and Wednesdays?
Crowley: deal 🤝
Aziraphale: Oh, I like that one! Is it still called an emotee if it isn’t a face?
Crowley: yes
Crowley: yes it is
Aziraphale: 🤠 I found a hat! Remember our duel in Contention?
Crowley: omg why does that look exactly like you
Aziraphale: What is omg?
Crowley: its an expression of surprise
Crowley: or exasperation
Crowley: or excitement
Crowley: very versatile
Aziraphale: Omg, I’m learning so much today!
Aziraphale: For instance, did you know that half a pie is probably too much pie?
Crowley: no such thing as too much pie
Aziraphale: Well, I agree in principle, but I may have to lie down for a bit now.
Crowley: dont forget to put the other half in the fridge
Aziraphale: Oh, yes, thank you.
Crowley: well have a nice liedown
Aziraphale: Wait, we don’t have to stop texting, do we?
Aziraphale: This smart little phone doesn’t even have a cord. I can take it anywhere. See, I’m on the sofa now!
Aziraphale: And this is nice. It’s almost like having you here. I do miss the company.
Crowley: well it does have a cord
Crowley: far upper right
Crowley: little battery icon
Crowley: youll have to plug it in for a bit when that gets low
Crowley: cord is in the box
Crowley: should be fine for now tho
Aziraphale: Yes, the little battery is almost full.
Aziraphale: There were other Icons when I went looking for the green speech bubble. What do they do?
Crowley: smart phones do loads of things
Crowley: play games take pictures
Aziraphale: Pictures…like photographs?
Crowley: yes theres a camera
Crowley: you can swipe up from the bottom of the screen again to get back to the icons
Aziraphale: But I can come back to the texting, right? It won’t go away?
Crowley: it wont go away
Crowley: ill still be right here
Crowley: in fact when you see the little popups you can just tap one to go back to the texting
Aziraphale: Oh, good.
Crowley: go find the camera
Crowley: see if you can figure it out
Crowley: okay its been like ten minutes are you all right
Crowley: angel
Crowley: aziraphale??
Aziraphale: [17 nearly-identical, off-center, clueless-older-person selfies of Aziraphale]
Crowley: ………………
Crowley: i honestly cant tell if this is the best or the worst thing ive ever wrought upon the workd
Aziraphale: I’ll get better at it! It’s hard to aim the camera when I have to turn the entire phone around. I can’t tell just where it’s pointing.
Crowley: well you can
Crowley: no you know what never mind
Crowley: youre doing great
Crowley: keep at it
Aziraphale: It’s more difficult than you’d think! You try.
Crowley: sure
Crowley: one moment
Crowley: [GORGEOUS selfie of Crowley, mask dangling from one ear, leaning against the Bentley; artful angle, excellent lighting, hot as hellfire, absolute thirst-trap]
Crowley: not my best but
Crowley: you get the idea
Crowley: angel
Crowley: are you taking more selfies
Aziraphale: Oh, because it involves taking a photo of oneself?
Crowley: yes very good
Aziraphale: Shouldn't you be at home?
Crowley: been out getting you pie remember
Aziraphale: Oh yes. Thanks again for that. And thank you for the Selfy, it’s very good.
Crowley: please dont capitalize it
Crowley: ever
Crowley: and its not that great
Aziraphale: You're being modest. It’s beautiful! It could be framed on the wall—it’s that nice. I don’t know how you did that!
Crowley: when lockdown lifts i promise to teach you to take a proper selfie
Crowley: but keep practicing in the meantime
Aziraphale: I don’t know, I’ve tried some more and they’re just the same. I should probably give it up.
Crowley: absolutelt not
Aziraphale: Are you mocking me?
Crowley: what no
Crowley: angel when have i EVER
Crowley: seriously when
Aziraphale: “Ohhh Loooooorrrrrd, heeeeeal this biiiike.”
Crowley: okay thats one time
Crowley: and that was more like gentle teasing
Crowley: im not going to mock your selfies i promise
Aziraphale: But yours is so pretty! Mine are rubbish.
Crowley: aziraphale
Crowley: if there are two pies on a table
Crowley: and one is right out of a magazine
Crowley: very fancy
Crowley: intricate crust detailing
Crowley: every grain of sugar carefully placed
Crowley: perfect swirl of whipped cream bang in the center
Crowley: and the other has the exact same ingredients but is a bit messy
Crowley: equally tasty just lacking the finesse
Crowley: are you annoyed that one pie isnt as pretty
Crowley: or are you just happy to have two pies
Aziraphale: …I’m happy to have two pies.
Crowley: EXAGTLY
Aziraphale: Selfies are pies, right?
Crowley: yes angel selfies are pies
Crowley: youve got all the right ingredients
Crowley: well almost
Crowley: 😫😫 fine ill give you this
Crowley: in the camera app youll see a little icon that looks like a circle with arrows in it
Crowley: try that
Aziraphale: [One completely adorable selfie of Aziraphale, still lying on the sofa, both arms extended, giant silly grin on his sweet stupid perfect little face]
Aziraphale: Oh, I really like this one!! What a nifty trick!
Aziraphale: Now I can definitely practice and improve. I’ll keep you updated on my progress.
Crowley: by all means
Aziraphale: It’s much better, isn’t it?
Crowley: pie is pie angel
Crowley: whats that mark on your nose
Aziraphale: What mark?
Crowley: theres a red mark on the left side of your nose
Aziraphale: No, there isn’t.
Crowley: i literally have photographic evidence
Aziraphale: Oh, FINE.
Aziraphale: When I pushed the little circle icon with the arrows, the camera was suddenly looking at me, and, well, it startled me.
Crowley: aziraphale ziraphale fell
Crowley: did you drop the phone on your face
Crowley: come on its me
Crowley: its your old pal anthony janthony
Crowley: you can tell me
Aziraphale: Yes, I did.
Crowley: 🤣🤣🤣🤣💀💀💀😹🤡🤡🤡😺🤡🥳🥳🥳
Crowley: lmfaoooooooo im dying
Crowley: DYING
Crowley: i wish id seen that
Crowley: more than ive ever wished foranything ever
Crowley: 😂😂😂😂🤣😂😂🤣
Crowley: o my bentley imight discorporate from laughinf
Crowley: bloodyf
Crowley: okay
Crowley: all right
Crowley: angel
Crowley: wait no
Crowley: no i imagined it again
Crowley: 😂🤣🤣🤣😂😂🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣
Crowley: okay i think im better now
Crowley: lolololol are you okay
Crowley: does your nose hurt
Crowley: aziraohale
Crowley: come back
Crowley: dont be like that
Crowley: come on its fucking funny
Crowley: what fun is existence if you cant laugh at yourself
Crowley: or at your best friend 😁😁😁
Crowley: angel
Crowley: angelllllll
Crowley: did you put down your phone and walk away
Crowley: should never have told you thats an option
Crowley: okay ill give you some time
Crowley: i waited twenty minutes is that enough
Crowley: ?????????
Crowley: angel i know you can at least hear the texts
Crowley: i set up the notifications with a lovely little ding
Crowley: thought it was the one youd like best
Crowley: and i put that photo of the bookshop as the background
Crowley: did you even notice that
Crowley: AZIRAPHALE
Crowley: is this because i promised not to mock you and then immediately laughed my arse off at your mistake
Crowley: thats it isnt it
Crowley: okay
Crowley: okay fine
Crowley: ill show you something
Crowley: but this stays between us
Crowley: you ever show anyone and i swear ill necer
Crowley: well
Crowley: i guess never is a strong word
Crowley: ill be extremely upset with you hows that
Crowley: for a decade at least
Crowley: so
Crowley: with that in mind
Crowley: behold
Crowley: the first selfie i ever took
Crowley: [Selfie of Crowley: low angle, chin tucked down, face squinched dubiously, slightly out of focus]
Crowley: there
Crowley: can we call it even
Crowley: angel?
Crowley: really??
Crowley: okay well
Crowley: ill be here
Crowley: sorry for laughing
Aziraphale: It took you an hour and twelve minutes to apologize.
Crowley: WHAAAANFIEJWBQJDOAJSJEIABSHDKSGHS
Aziraphale: Apology accepted.
Crowley: WERE TOU JUST SITTING THERE WATCHIBF ME BLATHER ON
Aziraphale: It was very entertaining.
Aziraphale: I had some more pie while I enjoyed the show.
Crowley: are you just having pie for dinner
Aziraphale: Well, it’s not like I can pop out to a lovely little bistro, is it? I miss that.
Crowley: yeah me too
Aziraphale: It’s starting to rain. You’re home now, right?
Crowley: yep all cozy
Aziraphale: Good.
Aziraphale: I did notice the photo of the bookshop, by the way. It’s perfect. Thank you.
Crowley: youre welcome
Aziraphale: And the little ding sound is very nice.
Crowley: good
Aziraphale: It’s rather amazing how you can be so incredibly thoughtful, and so thoughtless, all in a day.
Aziraphale: But…I suppose if you weren’t, you wouldn’t be who you are.
Crowley: if youre going to wax phikosophical ill just take a nap
Aziraphale: I was going to say that I like you just as you are, but perhaps I won’t. Have a lovely nap!
Crowley: rrrrrerrrrrrrrrrreghghhggh do not make me apologize twice
Crowley: now whos mean
Aziraphale: I rather thought you liked that about me. Just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing?
Crowley: oh shut up
Crowley: what are you up to this evening
Aziraphale: Oh, I thought I might shift some things around down in Fiction. Again.
Aziraphale: Want to come along?
Crowley: sure
Crowley: but you’ll have to describe it to me
Aziraphale: Gladly.
Text conversation with angel😇
May 31 2020 2:48 AM
Aziraphale: Crowley?
Aziraphale: Hopefully you’re asleep.
Crowley: im here
Crowley: all right angel?
Aziraphale: Oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.
Crowley: not a problem
Crowley: dont ever not text me
Crowley: ill always be here when you do
Crowley: that is literally the point
Crowley: understand
Aziraphale: Yes, I understand. Thank you.
Crowley: are you okay
Aziraphale: Yes, I’m fine.
Aziraphale: I just… Well, I realized that I never actually said it, I only sort of said that I might have been going to, so I wanted to say it.
Crowley: say what
Aziraphale: I like you just as you are.
Crowley: youre out of your mind
Crowley: you know that
Crowley: total bloody lunatic
Aziraphale: What? Why?
Crowley: nobody likes demons
Crowley: espexially not angels
Aziraphale: I never said I like demons, I said I like you. You’re my friend.
Aziraphale: I mean, aren’t you?
Crowley: yes
Crowley: im your friend
Crowley: who else would put up with you for 6000 years lolol
Aziraphale: Oh, go back to sleep.
Crowley: 😁😁 gnight
Aziraphale: Good night, Crowley.
May 31 2020 4:02 AM
Crowley: I like you too
Crowley: just as you are
Aziraphale: Thank you.
Crowley: bloodyhell dont you sleep
Aziraphale: Don’t YOU?
Crowley: apparently not
Aziraphale: I think I’ll go finish that pie.
Aziraphale: Want to come along?
Crowley: fine by me
Aziraphale: I figured it out, by the way.
Crowley: figured what out
Aziraphale: Laughed My (your) Arse Off. You mentioned that before remembering to apologize. That’s it, isn’t it?
Crowley: yes youre very clever
Crowley: just dont ever use that phrase in person or i will laugh till the endof time and never apologize for it
Crowley: hows the pie
Aziraphale: Delicious.