Chapter Text
Thirteen years ago, Elliot could never have imagined that today he would be living in a small apartment and that he would have a specific day of the week to see his children. Most notably, he would no longer be at SVU and wouldn’t see Olivia or his other colleagues almost every day. It pained him to know that he wouldn’t wear his badge anymore and probably would never be called a detective again.
It’s been a month since Jenna passed away. A month since he hasn’t seen anyone: not the captain, not Olivia, not Kathy, and not his children. He and his ex-wife never managed to resolve their marital issues. Initially, the divorce was challenging. He didn’t want to accept it, didn’t want all his struggles for his family and marriage to go to waste. After a long conversation with Kathy, he understood that he couldn’t continue making her unhappy, and he himself couldn’t be miserable in a relationship neither knew how to manage.
Many years in that relationship passed before they realized what existed between them wasn’t love. It was more an obligation to follow what was imposed on them: to be married, faithful, honorable, and pretend to be happy. Kathy found love in someone else. Now, his ex-wife lives in a new house, and strangers inhabit their old home. She has two children with her new husband, and Elliot has his nightly rendezvous with a bottle of beer.
He’s certain he hasn’t gone mad in recent years, returning to that empty apartment solely because of Olivia. She was the one who led him to a final beer, or a last coffee, or the one who always woke him in the middle of the night because they had a new case, or because she couldn’t sleep and needed to investigate. He used to chase after her like a puppy, much like he did when he was married.
It’s been a month since he last spoke to her, and a week since he’s been ignoring her calls. Exactly a week ago, he handed in his papers and gave up his detective career. It wasn’t an easy decision. What led him to this were nights upon nights waking up in the wee hours with cold sweat streaming down his face after another nightmare that made him relive Jenna’s death and remember everything all over again.
It wasn’t easy for him to accept that he wouldn’t see those brown eyes every day, hear her voice. Another thing that crossed his mind was that he couldn’t take Olivia down this spiral of suffering and self-pity he was going through. In the past 30 days, he has thought about something he wants to do, also reflecting on what Kathy said years ago when he mentioned Olivia had gone to the other side of the country. He recalls his ex-wife’s words: “She’s running to another state because of you, and you don’t realize it. You don’t realize you’ve done so much harm to her, Elliot. That she’s running from you. Running from decay. You destroyed me when you started choosing her over our marriage and family. And now, you’re destroying her.”
Kathy’s words echoed in his head, along with Tucker’s, the words that filthy rat told him almost a month ago: “It’s an easy decision. You retire and get a good pension. But if you persist, I’ll be forced to investigate not only you but your partner. And the first, out of order, thing I discover will not only end your career but hers too. Do you really want that?” Those words haunted him for hours until the answer emerged in his mind. No, he can’t destroy Olivia’s career. He can’t stop her from staying in SVU. He knows he needs to distance himself from her. In 13 years, he only brought misery upon her. He feels like garbage. How can he be a good partner if he made her have to move to another state? How can he be a good partner if he made her leave SVU because of him? How can he be a good partner if he’ll always put her first, above anyone or any victim? These questions lingered in his mind as he held the pen, looking at the retirement papers.
In recent days, he woke up before sunrise and went for a run for almost three hours. Then he returned home, ate something, and headed to the gym, channeling his anger into his own body, punching boxing bags until his joints hurt and running until exhaustion claimed his body. That’s how he finds himself returning from his late-night run, almost midnight.
As he approaches the building, he spots her figure leaning against the door. She wears that old gray hoodie they shared for years and jeans that always made him glance at her backside. However, what catches his attention are the swollen eyes, indicating she had cried, and it hurts him deeply, especially because he knows the reason for her tears is him.
Elliot slows his pace as he walks towards her. Finally, when he's closer, Olivia notices his presence. She looks, and having those eyes staring at him makes the pain of the decision he made even more intense.
"Liv, what are you doing here?" he asks, and his voice comes out more fearful than he expected. He wasn't ready for this conversation; he spent years avoiding it. He looked into her eyes for years, recognizing the feelings in them, but always ignored it because deep down, he knew he couldn't ruin someone else's life.
The divorce process with Kathy was filled with detailed descriptions of how he was a terrible father, a terrible son, and a terrible husband. He heard about how he was never home to deal with the kids' problems, how for years he ignored the existence of his own mother, and that such behavior wasn't a good example for their children. Finally, he heard about how he wasn't a good partner, how he struggled to open up to her, how he didn't pay attention to her, and how he resembled his own father. The last accusation was what made him sign the divorce, as being compared to Joe made him feel like garbage as a husband and a father.
In recent years, he tried to be with the children, but he never managed to establish a relationship that lasted more than two weeks.
"I... I heard that you're... that you signed the..."
Olivia, always straightforward, the woman who consistently gave him answers that made him feel like a fool, couldn't formulate a sentence at this moment. Her lips trembled, and it seemed like new tears threatened to fall from her beautiful brown eyes before she took a deep breath and finally managed to say:
"I've tried calling you every day since I found out you were leaving SVU and the NYPD."
She speaks, and the words taste bitter on her lips. Uttering that made her body ache; speaking aloud seemed to make everything more real, and it scared her deeply. After thirteen years, what would life be like without Elliot? It wouldn't be as if he would vanish from her life for the next ten years, but not seeing him every day hurt deeply. Having another partner, being with someone she didn't trust, and, worse yet, being with someone she might end up hating. She was comfortable with Elliot, trusted him, liked him, they worked better together than any other pair. She loved him! She loved him... she loved him, and now he was abandoning her like everyone else!
“Liv, I… I couldn’t go on with this. I couldn’t stay there anymore,” Elliot said. He loved working for the SVU, felt that his work made a difference, saving children, women. However, in the past days, he could only see himself as incompetent, feeling that if he stayed in the SVU, he would cause more tragedies than victories. He believed he wouldn’t contribute to helping the victims and wouldn’t be a good detective. Kathy’s words, Jenna’s lifeless eyes, and Tucker’s threat replayed in his mind every day, affirming that leaving the SVU was the right decision.
“You’re not going to be my partner anymore, and you just thought it was okay for someone else to tell me?”
Anger and hurt are present in her words as she approaches him, descending two steps of the staircase. Only one more step separates their bodies from being close. Olivia takes a deep breath, trying to contain the anger that takes over her body, while her mind wonders how much longer Elliot would continue to ignore her calls. How much longer would Elliot ignore her, pretending that what they lived in the last decade never happened?
“I… I can’t…”
Now, it’s Elliot who’s lost for words. He looks into her brown eyes and has to interrupt himself to avoid saying something inappropriate. He fears revealing that he wouldn’t be able to make this decision if he told her, as seeing the sadness in her eyes would derail his plans to make her happy.
“Liv… It wasn’t easy for me. It’s not easy for me.”
“Not easy for you, Elliot? I patiently waited for you to come talk to me. Gave space and time. And then I find out that you… You’re… leaving me. Leaving the SVU. Abandoning our partnership. DO YOU THINK THIS IS EASY FOR ME?”
She screams inches from his face, and it seems to have relieved her a bit. She takes a deep breath, not wanting to cry once again, like in the past seven days. When she looked at his desk in front of hers and knew he would never return. When she gazed at the photo of the two of them in her home. When she stared at the unanswered calls. It wasn’t just anger and hurt that occupied her body, but also fear. The fear that he would vanish from her life, just like everyone else did. How each one left her without ever reappearing.
“I know. You think I don’t know that this would hurt you? That it would wound you? I made this decision thinking about you, Olivia. You deserve a better partner, someone with fewer issues than me. You deserve a composed partner. You deserve someone who can do the job, not someone who will always prioritize you over any other victim.”
Then, the missing step brings their bodies mere millimeters apart. Elliot approaches her. His hands firmly hold her face. Olivia doesn’t resist letting him get close to their faces, letting him look deep into her eyes, knowing he can read every tiny emotion of hers.
“I can’t let your career and your name be ruined because of my decisions and feelings. I would never forgive myself if you left SVU because of me. If I did what I did there, it was for you, painful as it is. I acted that way because you shouldn’t lose what you love most because of me.”
Elliot’s face stings as Olivia slaps him. It hurts a lot because that’s how the woman knows how to make it hurt, but he doesn’t utter any complaint. He clenches his jaw to try to dissipate the pain as he looks at her. Tears glisten in her eyes. He knows he deserved that slap, and if he didn’t know she could break his nose, he’d tell her to punch him right in the face. However, he doesn’t expect the next move. Certainly didn’t expect that, after that slap, Olivia would pull him into a kiss.
When Elliot finally grasps that Olivia is kissing him, and it’s not another one of his wild dreams, he pulls her closer by the waist, if that were even possible. She wants more. More than suppressed feelings, more than arguments, more than a kiss on the staircase of his apartment. She loves herself. She wants more. And she lets her desires, deeply hidden in the recesses of her heart, surface. But not now. Now she won’t let her desire slip away. Now she’ll have him for herself.
Elliot always knew he would find paradise when his lips touched hers. He just didn’t expect paradise to be this wonderful. He can’t pull away from her. It feels like they’re glued together. His hands roam the body he fantasized about for years. How many times had he seen her enter a squad room in tight, short dresses that outlined her curves? And he hated the bastard who could touch her, kiss her, see her without that piece of clothing. But now, she was in his arms, and he wouldn’t let anyone else touch her anymore.
Olivia playfully teases him, nibbling and sliding her hands across his body, and he allows it. He’s there, captive to her, to her touches, her body, her lips, her heart. Elliot tries to pull away, ready to trace her skin with his lips, but barely manages to get inches away before Olivia grabs his face, furious for letting him go, and then buries her mouth in his again. Desperation, anger, desire. He feels how her hands grip him, just as he holds onto her, fear underlying it. God, how can he do this to her? Knowing her palpable fear doesn’t make him feel any less like trash.
Slowly, he manages to pull away, holding her firmly and looking into her brown eyes. Her face is red, lips swollen, breath hitching as she stares at him and then says:
“You’re a complete idiot!”
Elliot looks at her. Her words resonate as the most accurate affirmation he has ever heard in his entire life. He is indeed an idiot. He let himself be swayed by others’ opinions because they claimed it would be the best for him and Olivia, based on what he thought was best.
He distanced himself from her in the last month. Perhaps because he knew that, after so many years of restraint, he was at his limit after Jenna. He knew that just being in the same environment as her would prevent him from containing his feelings; it would scream to the heavens.
Why did he let others influence him? Why did he believe Kathy’s words and avoid Olivia all these years? He kept his love for her deep in his soul because he didn’t feel worthy of loving her. He didn’t feel worthy of having her love, as he believed that getting involved with Olivia would ultimately destroy his life, hurting her. And he would never forgive himself for hurting her.
"Yes, I am."
He speaks; his voice is low, like that of a child who has just been scolded by his mother. He can't look her in the eyes. The weight of his bad decisions, of his wrong choices, makes him feel even more foolish in front of her. God, he spent so many years running away from the woman of his life, just because he was a fearful idiot.
He feels Olivia's palm warm against the skin of his cheek. She caresses his face slowly, and it's as if her touch alone is enough to make his heart race even more. She moves her hand, enriches his face, makes blue eyes meet brown eyes. Before she says,
"Yes, you are an idiot, but you're my idiot, Elliot."
He opens and closes his lips, unsure how to respond to her words. Truly, he feels like maybe those words were enough to make his brain burn. He looks deeply into those brown eyes and then to her lips, as if hoping one of them would give him proof that what she had said was just a figment of his imagination, his heart hitting his brain and making him believe that she still loved him, even after all the nonsense he had pulled in the last month, all the mistakes of the past years. However, what Olivia tells him next is proof that he’s not delirious.
“You are an idiot. I really mean that because I’ve spent the last years trying to show you that I am not me without you. I’ve been trying to show you how, despite our fights and disagreements, we always formed the best partnership in the SVU. I’ve spent the last years trying to show you that I love you, Elliot, but you’re so foolish that it seems like you’ve never realized it.”
Elliot’s laughter leaves her puzzled. The way he chuckles softly, his gaze momentarily shifting away from Liv.
“God, Liv. I am an idiot, yes. But not for never realizing that you loved me. But for realizing that you loved me. And doing nothing about it. On the contrary. I knew you loved me. And I pretended not to know. I ran away from that feeling. Because I didn’t feel worthy of your love. Because I felt I would ruin your life. Because I felt I didn’t deserve to be loved by someone as amazing as you.”
“I just won’t slap you again because I’ll end up with some assault charge from your neighbors. But I really feel like doing that right now.”
Olivia says, staring at him. God, how could that man have ever thought he wasn’t worthy of her love? She believed she wasn’t deserving of someone like him protecting and taking care of her. Perhaps that’s why they were so good together. Maybe they were two fools avoiding the love of their lives, failing to notice the love sitting next to them in a police car after hours of surveillance. That was a fitting answer. Thirteen years of dreams and silences, all because these two were passionate fools.
“Please, cease being a fool and invite me in,” Olivia says as I gaze into those blue eyes, the same blue eyes that have been present in her dreams for the past twelve years.
The eyes she always loved, forever desired in him. She always wished to wake up in the morning and see those eyes. Over the last six years, she doesn’t know how patient she has been or how she engaged in other relationships for so long. Well, her relationships didn’t last for years, but some lasted for months. She reflects on how she tried to use other people to fill the void in her heart that Elliot occupied but never succeeded. That was his place. It always would be. No man would occupy that space in her heart, she doesn’t even consider it. When she feels Elliot’s warm palm on her face, her whole body trembles. God, how good it was to have his hand touching her. How good it was to have his eyes on her, to see the desire burning in those blue eyes, the passion, the love that was in them. She knew her eyes must be shining for him with the same intensity.
“Olivia, do you want to come in?”
“I do, Elliot.”