Archive of Our Own

          There are demons fighting in him, trying to claw their way up to the surface. They’re professional divers with how expertly they’re navigating the waters, and it would be funny if Hyuck hadn’t so desperately wished these demons in him simply died. 23 years and, yet, they live. They’re swimming in there, still trying to force their way up to break through the water surface. 

“Jeno?” Jaemin calls out, softly, endearingly. They’re behind him, but Hyuck could hear them well and clearly. He’s the only one who could, it seems. “Do you wanna come back with me to my room after this?” 

“Sure, but I’m tired, though,” Jeno agrees easily. 

“Don’t worry about that, baby,” Jaemin responds, all greasy in his tone and smile. Jeno laughs along, and Hyuck grimaces when he’s sure no one can see him.

There’s an innuendo in the invitation somewhere. Knowing Jaemin, and knowing Jeno, there’s definitely an innuendo in there somewhere. Hyuck wishes they weren’t so brazen with it. He can’t explain why he wishes so, can’t quite put a finger on why he thinks there should be some kind of shame they should be feeling lest he questions where these notions take root from. 

Hyuck knows deep, deep down. Deep down. He recognises this ugly swirl of disapproval seated in his guts. 

          Renjun once said a few years back that he couldn't possibly fall in love with his friends. He’s one of those people who has to have a clear line between friendships and romantic relationships. It gives him some peace of mind, a sense of security for him to be able to show what he feels comfortable showing. His friends get a part of him his romantic partners couldn’t possibly dream of receiving, and the other way around applies too. 

Hyuck had been evidently comfortable with him, comfortable with teetering around the imaginary boundaries he’d set up for himself. Renjun’s queer, yes, but he won’t fall for Hyuck. He’ll continue to tease and orbit around like a wary cat. He’ll bring out the claws if he has to, he’ll hiss, puff up to appear larger than life. That’s if. If he has to. 

Renjun once said a few years back, again, that he was queer. He came out right at the tip of the edges of where their friendship had started flourishing, and a part of Hyuck should have known but he was too busy denying the possibility somewhere in the recesses of his mind. There was a sense of familiarity upon knowing, like slotting a key into a lock, and everything about Renjun he hadn’t quite understood just yet made sense all too suddenly. Honestly, Hyuck hadn’t been paying much attention to what Renjun had to say after the first sentence of his coming out, and he should have hung on Renjun’s every word in case he had a chance to update on Renjun’s character lore, but he was too busy trying to not shake. 

Whatever Renjun’s label was, Hyuck had to then live with the newly acquired knowledge that Renjun is attracted to men. He spent the first few months tentatively, and he inched closer as time flew by. With such pressure on their young shoulders, he had little choice but to trust Renjun. 

He had been so caught up in watching his every move with Renjun he had failed to catch the others in the group. Hyuck caught the tail ends of Jaemin and Jeno’s makeout session somewhere along the way and found, to his utter shock and terror(?), that they’re attracted to men too. He froze upon seeing them, belatedly pulling up a taut smile when they started apologising for making him witness the classic tongue-in-throat action. He brushed it off, but when they were no longer in his sight, Hyuck doubled over, heaving for air as silently as he could. 

He choked in the confines of a clean little office restroom. The office staff had gone home hours before, and it was just them idols and the managers staying back. Warm tears slid down the divots of his jaw, running down his neck when he took a little too long to wipe them away. He died. It felt like he was dying. The way his lungs constricted, the way his hands went numb, the way he had to dig his nails into the pale flesh of his tummy. He broke skin. Hyuck died in that tiny restroom. 

The door opened, there were shoes clicking and clacking on the tiles, before the door to his stall that he stupidly left unlocked creaked open. Mark’s huge wide eyes peered at him in concern.

Pathetically, like a baby deer learning how to walk just then, Hyuck stumbled into Mark’s arm. He finally let out an audible sob, shoving his face into Mark’s shirt, turning his world dark for a second. 

“A panic attack?” Mark asked, familiar enough with the motions to not fumble through it. 

Hyuck nodded, choking on a sob. “S-Sorry.”

“Aw, nah, it’s okay, haha.” Mark stroked the back of Hyuck’s hair, taming the shaky breaths down to a normal rhythm. He waited patiently, unspeaking till he deemed it okay to ask, “Feeling better?”

Hyuck wanted to say no, but reality came crashing down into his world the moment a coherent thought emerged from the back of his mind. He let go of Mark, and he knew his eyes were all puffy and red, so he chose not to meet Mark’s soft gaze. 

Thank the heavens Mark didn’t press him for answers, because by the time they were ready to head back to the practice room, Hyuck was ready to get over the next hour before they could head home. 

          Hyuck could never understand the unshakable bond Jaemin and Jeno share. 

He has never understood how the nuanced link they share weaved in such a way, how it could have possibly formed at all—how the threads of their bond lie in wake of a rocky beginning. The theory goes like this: Jeno was the most handsome star within their bunch, some might argue he still is, and Jaemin couldn’t stand being compared to Jeno for too long. His ego couldn’t take it. Single child Jaemin who’s used to receiving all the love, who has never done any wrong up till then, never knew the struggles of being wrong and doing wrong—wrong that has meaning, wrong that is intentional. 

Their bond only formed because Jaemin decided to fuse into Jeno to not be overshadowed. Intertwining their identities till even their names blend together, their smiles, their scents, their very purpose blend together into one whole existence. Jeno seemed happy it happened, glad that there’s someone for him he could call his in every sense possible, to be someone’s in every sense possible. Jeno seemed to overlook the glaring problem with being attached to someone as unhealthily and deeply as he has been with Jaemin (codependency). Or, perhaps, Jeno knew all along, but yet he chose to coax the elephant out of the room and right back into the wild. 

Despite that, despite some part of Hyuck knowing that Jaemin isn’t the only one who wants to fuse into this codependent bond with Jeno, he could only bring himself to blame Jaemin. The problem still lies in Jaemin. Hyuck seethes thinking about him. He tosses and turns in the dead of the night, wasting away precious time thinking about Jaemin’s pomposity instead of sleeping. Hyuck doesn’t dream normally, but he sometimes dreams of a boy with a smile too big for his own good.

Because, in truth, Hyuck sees himself in Jaemin—the sickest, cruellest, most twisted parts. Maybe their intentions weren’t identical, but Hyuck decided to liquidise himself and Mark so they’d be two tiny miniscule droplets forming into one huge one for the same reasons Jaemin decided to phase into Jeno’s skin. Hyuck has grown since then, and he feels guilty, but he can’t bring himself to talk about it. What would Mark say? What would Mark do? They’re great friends now, he doesn’t have to ruin a perfectly healthy friendship, he doesn’t have to lose the single best thing that has ever happened to him—besides, of course, debuting, and maybe that time Jisung said he was the most handsome member in the group, because if he ranked above Jaemin and Jeno that’s serious business. Mark wouldn’t care anyways, always the type to look beyond the mistakes of the past and consider what’s important in front of him, always the type to let bygones be bygones because his morals have been forged by his faith in the graced divine and his love in the less graced people surrounding him. His morals aren’t skewed like Hyuck’s are.

Now, even though Hyuck sees himself so clear and crystal in Jaemin’s very existence, the man himself has this insane need to distinguish the people in his life as either totally identical or totally opposites and has disagreed many times to Hyuck’s vision. Jeno had been a total opposite, but Jeno is quite literally spineless when it comes to people he loves so now he and Jaemin are indistinguishable. The alleged list goes like this:

• Identicals: Mark, Jeno, Chenle (this one took Jaemin a couple of years, and Hyuck had been an unconsenting witness to it all only because Chenle had been vocal about shifting his Number 1 Hyung from Hyuck to Jaemin), Jisung.
• Opposites: Renjun, Donghyuck.

Hyuck disagrees. He thinks the actual list goes like this:

• Identicals: Donghyuck.
• Opposites: Mark, Renjun, Jeno, Chenle, Jisung. 

Jaemin adamantly refuses to acknowledge just how similar they are, so Hyuck is left all alone with his thoughts and analysis and late-night conversations with himself. He speaks into the void most nights, sometimes to do a personal recap of the day he’d had or to get rid of his wild ideas (world domination) permanently. On some nights, the topic of Jaemin came up, and Hyuck can’t even blame anyone else but himself. 

Sometimes, it’s a passing thought; “Why does he act like that? It’s gotta be because he felt threatened right?” 

Other times, it’s a breakdown of their interactions; “Why did Jaemin look at me like that? Did I accidentally say something and he does that thing where you stare at the other person and telepathically tell them they fucked up?”

One time, it was Hyuck rambling to himself out of restlessness towards a specific situation; “Why did Jaemin look at me like that before they both left? Jeno was just apologetic, but Jaemin’s look meant something. What was he trying to tell me? Was he upset that I cockblocked him and Jeno? Is he upset I found out about them? Is he upset I found out about his sexuality?”

Mark talks to himself too in the personal confines of his bedroom, which Hyuck had been another unconsenting witness to many times over the years (he seems to find himself as an unconsenting witness more times than he can count to multiple things). Jisung rambles on and on to himself in public. It’s gotten to the point where he’d have to constantly stick his earpieces in so anyone who didn’t know him well enough wouldn’t be freaked out. At least Hyuck keeps the urge in till he’s truly alone. These freaks (affectionate) scare him with how careless they are. “But I’m just too comfortable with you!” is Mark’s main defence, meanwhile Jisung brushes off Hyuck’s scandalised “Why do you do that?” with a laugh.  

Abhorrently, Hyuck still manages to find them absolutely lovable. All of them, really, from the oldest in 127 to the youngest in DREAM. But with how things stand, Hyuck feels different when he’s with DREAM. Not in a bad way, but not in a good way either. Different is different, and Hyuck finds that growing up alongside people he’s spent his most embarrassing years with sometimes makes him lose balance of his identity. There’s a clear line between Donghyuck and Haechan when he’s performing or spending time with 127, but that line is blurred when he’s with the kids. Really, it’s thanks to Doyoung insistently calling him Donghyuck and treating him differently off stage and off cameras that the rest follow suit. He feels confident in that sense, confident that his arrogance and his incessant chatter on cameras, and the way he begs and begs and begs with his cutest smiles and his flowery words for attention and love from his hyungs would all be explained away by his dual identities, and how one (Haechan) is just that tyrannical. 

But with the kids? No, that would never work. Renjun, with all of his people-reading skills he claimed he absorbed from over-exposure to the therapist he frequents, would say point-blank that Hyuck is full of shit. Renjun says there should be no distinction because who Hyuck shows on stage and in front of the cameras should be one and the same with who he is other times, he’d tell Hyuck to work with integrity and authenticity. Renjun is often loud and proud even if he wouldn’t like to admit it, and sometimes he’s even loudly and proudly wrong. Which, hey, really is in line with that whole take on authenticity that he has. 

Hyuck would honestly have to brave through many more panic attacks, and maybe his suicidal ideations might even flare up uncontrollably, if he couldn’t draw a clear line between the limits he has on stage and off of it. It’s more good than bad, he thinks, because it allows him to scope out the limits of each identity. Haechan gets him through the especially loud days where he feels like the flash of cameras and the sounds of excited screaming are too much to bear, while Donghyuck gets him through the especially quiet days where it’s nothing but practice and practice and more practice that makes him feel stuck in an endless loop of exhaustion laced with “what is this all even for?” because it was Donghyuck who dreamed of the stage Haechan stands on. Little Donghyuck had big dreams. Haechan lives those dreams out. 

But Hyuck knows, to the kids who've grown alongside him, the distinction blurs. How could it not when they were there the whole time Hyuck carved out every puzzle piece that formed such a glorious Haechan? Mark doesn’t see how different it is between 127 and DREAM because Mark sees the difference in each and every member, feels the difference in how each individual receives and gives love when he’s around, so it doesn’t matter if the units they’re in are categorised into two, there’s a plethora of differences in each individual already. 

Jaemin and Jeno especially love interchanging Hyuck’s identities. They’d call him Donghyuck when he’s deliberately being Haechan and they’ll call him Haechan when he’s trying so hard to just be Donghyuck . There’s a hairline gap between every puzzle piece that these two idiots love to jam their skilled skinny tools into to break away some. Painstakingly, Hyuck would recreate the puzzle.

He wouldn’t admit ever that there is a sense of intimacy he holds close to him whenever the kids wash away the line between his identities. Kind of like ocean waves washing off a child’s lovely picture of a house drawn on sand. There’s a childlike glee in watching his sand-drawings get washed away, knowing he’d get to draw the same picture again, and this time maybe he’d add in more details, or forgo drawing other details. Maybe there’s a childlike glee in watching the waves per se, how the water keeps coming back, and he knows he has the choice to simply take a step back so he’d be out of the water's reach. 

So yes, 127 and DREAM aren’t the same, but it’s good. It’s perfect. Jaemin has his Identicals & Opposites, and Hyuck has his 127 & DREAM. 

          It’s not like there ever was a shortage of sympathy going around, so Hyuck couldn’t bring himself to understand why Mark’s so concerned about him. The last panic attack he had was silent and painless, but he still tensed up, all muscles locking up, stuck in his own body like it was holding him captive for a felony he would never commit. He couldn’t even respond to Mark’s rushed questions and frantic attempts at figuring out what was going on even if he wanted to as his mind races without his body’s permission. 

The silent ones happen once every few years, and they’re equally awful each time. Hyuck doesn’t need Mark to breathe down his neck any longer, so he slinks away like the slimy little thing he is and spends more time with the kids anytime he can. It’s easier to get away from Mark now that they have their own places. Granted, they live incredibly close to each other, but a separate space is a separate space no matter how close one orbits the other. 

“You’re around a lot these days,” Renjun points out, ever oblivious to Hyuck’s desperate times.

Sitting across the table from Hyuck is Jeno, and to Jeno’s right is Jaemin, the other slimy little thing who tries to discreetly chance a glance at Hyuck. He ends up meeting Hyuck’s deadpan expression with a mildly surprised look on his face before clearing his throat like an old man and going back to his food quietly. 

“I had a panic attack a week ago and Mark wouldn’t stop being overbearing,” Hyuck explains as briefly as he could. They can fill in the blank spaces themselves. Why did Hyuck have a panic attack? Most likely work. When? Most likely when he was working on 127’s schedules. These kinds of blank spaces. Then, when Renjun starts lowering his chopsticks and slowing down his chewing, Hyuck scrambles to change the topic, “And we also fought!”

“Ah.” Renjun pauses. “What did you guys fight about?”

“Differences in opinions? You wanted the choreo to go this way, he wanted that way—that kind of thing?” Jaemin mumbles, looking up and blinking slowly at Hyuck, to which he chooses to bare his teeth and hiss like a cat.

Jaemin probably doesn’t know that Hyuck is well-versed in the language of cats. He loves to listen to Jeno ramble, after all, even if he pretends he doesn’t care for the sake of his nonchalant image, so Hyuck knows slow-blinking is one way to say ‘I love you’ and also a way to say ‘hey, don’t freak out.’ Hissing seems like the proper response. Hyuck takes delight in Jaemin’s surprised jolt, followed by the reddening of his ears. He puts his chopsticks down and leans back against the backrest of the chair, massaging along his jaw as he stares Hyuck down predatorily. 

Huh. Maybe he pissed Jaemin off. This is something Hyuck will discuss before he sleeps tonight with himself.

The general unspoken consensus they have is to move past the hiss. Hyuck goes back to his food while Renjun asks what Mark and him had been fighting about. 

“Um,” Hyuck stalls.

“You can tell us, you know?” Renjun presses on.

“I know I can. I just don’t want to.” Also, he was lying and now he can’t think of a suitable reason for a fight to allegedly occur between Mark and him. They’re extremely cordial these days, everyone could see that. “Plus, I don’t know if Mark would be happy with me telling the lot of you about our marital affairs.”

“I’ll ask him then,” Renjun says offhandedly. 

Due to his alarmed state, Hyuck may have vocally protested against that a little too firmly, “Fuck off, Renjun, stop prying.”

Renjun regards him with initial shock, then hurt, and then easy acceptance. On a normal day in the past, Renjun would have fought back, or Hyuck would have played it off as a joke to let him know he didn’t mean it, but today, they’re both exhausted from the retrospect of the past week and exhausted from the prospect of the coming week. It seems they’re ageing with quite the amount of dignity to their names, both now so honest with each other without the fear of falling out. That’s the beauty of true friendship: relinquishing the need to keep peace because true friendship prevails. 

Jeno perks up in his spot, ever the diligent captain, and lets out a nervous laugh. “What Hyuck means is… um, just let them settle their own problems, you know? If we’re meant to know, either one of them will tell us on their own.” Jeno must have nudged Renjun’s foot under the table, because the sullen look directed towards his food angles up to Jeno’s food instead. 

“Yeah, okay.” Renjun nods, a small smile perched on his lips. “Got it.”

Hyuck felt like committing to the bit as a villain, wanting to snap at Jeno and tell him to mind his business. He’s not sure if this stems from Haechan’s tyranny or Donghyuck’s individuality. Hyuck wanted to tell Jeno to not speak for him, but Jaemin’s predatory eyes from before sharpens even more when he notices the telltale signs of Hyuck wanting to act out, and he lightly kicks Hyuck’s chair from under the table. The little scribbles Hyuck writes on the table using his finger as the words formed in his mind, the way his micro expressions twitch in and out of view—Jaemin must have seen it. Hyuck is privy to his own quirks and habits, after all, after years of intellectualising his every thought and move. And truth be told, Hyuck is a little afraid of what Jaemin would have to say if he decides to be the bad guy in today’s story any more than he already is.

Jeno leads the conversation from there on out, and Hyuck manages to squeeze out little hehes and hahas wherever he thinks is appropriate. They clear the table, and Jaemin invites Jeno out for a quick run to the convenience store. Jeno seems perplexed at the idea, making intense eye contact with Jaemin as if to wordlessly ask if he’s sure. The latter smiles reassuringly. Hyuck watches the whole exchange with an untempered frown on his face, all the while sensing Renjun heading to the toilet in his peripheral vision. 

“We’re going to the store. Do you want anything?” Jeno finally turns to Hyuck and asks, putting his jacket on while he does so. He leaves the front door open, getting ready to head out. 

Jaemin gets his phone and puts his jacket on too, staring Hyuck down with a slight smile curving the tails of his lips. Hyuck has a violent flashback of the day he found Jaemin and Jeno making out, and shudders. 

“Um,” Hyuck says as he thinks, still shuddering.

Jeno gingerly closes the front door with a concerned look on his face. He puts his shoes on while he waits for Hyuck to say something.

“We’ll get you your favourite ice cream,” Jaemin chimes in, voice low as he leaves a comforting pat on Hyuck’s shoulder. He opens the front door wide and looks back at Hyuck. “You don’t have to pay me back the money.”

They leave, and Hyuck is then left alone with his thoughts for a good two minutes. In his head, Jaemin’s voice replays over and over again. Not having to pay him back the money means Hyuck would still have to pay him back in some other form. And right now, that other form is looking too close like making up with Renjun.

Once Renjun is back on the couch, Hyuck turns to him and immediately says, “I’m sorry.” And he means it with his whole heart.

“I’m sorry too,” Renjun says softly, lips pursing into a grim line. 

“You just want to know, that’s it. I shouldn’t have been so harsh with my words. I could have just said a simple ‘don’t’ and you would have given up.” Hyuck hunches over a little, pouting a little, scratching on a scab that’s formed on his ankle. “So, yeah, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, Injunnie.”

“And I shouldn’t have pried. I know we’re tired these days, you especially, and I know we can get a little high-strung—” Hyuck snorts. A little is an understatement by a long shot— “but, yeah, I hope you can be nicer next time.”

Hyuck pulls up his corporate smile, noticing something in his exchange with Renjun that he files into the meeting agenda with himself for tonight. Around ten minutes after their talk, Jeno and Jaemin come back with a bag of snacks and drinks. Jeno appears happy as ever when he drops the bag on the coffee table, and that tells Hyuck most of those snacks and drinks are his.

“Um… my ice cream?” Hyuck rummages through the contents of the bag in search of his ice cream, only to find that they hadn’t bought it. Disappointment bleeds in his entire body, and Hyuck feels himself about to deflate from how crestfallen he’s become. “Did you guys forget?” His voice is controlled and soft, but anyone who’s known him since his crybaby pre-teen years knows that’s when his tears threaten to fall.

Jeno’s jaw falls to the floor when he realises he’d forgotten, turning to Jaemin to search for the other’s reaction. Jaemin seems apologetic for the most part, and his voice is equally as sorry when he rushes out, “I’ll run back down the street and get you that ice cream.”

Halfway through Jaemin’s sentence, Hyuck scrunches his face and shakes his head, somehow sensing that it’s all too late. It’s not their fault for forgetting, it happens, and it’s not like Hyuck hasn't had it coming for him with how he snapped at Renjun earlier on. Karma is extremely quick when it comes to him. 

“I’m sorry, Donghyuck,” Jaemin says once more, tilting his head just a tad to the left as he appraises Hyuck’s awkward attempt at laughing it off. 

“Sorry, Haechan,” Jeno mumbles from right next to Jaemin, guilt apparent in the way he tacks on Hyuck’s name at the end. 

Hyuck continues to laugh it off, joking around as he points out how softly Jeno’s cooing at him. They move past it quickly after he suggests they watch a movie, quickly regretting that choice as Renjun insists on watching a horror movie he’s too scared to watch alone. Hyuck grows restless by the minute, so much so that he’s not even that frightened of the jumpscares and the special effects this horror movie desperately hinges on to even be called a horror movie. 

When the movie ends, Hyuck is the first one to announce that he’s exhausted and wants to sleep. He chats with them for a bit before he gathers his things and his jacket while pulling up the taxi app on his phone. Jaemin stands up, taking the one and a half stride needed to press uncomfortably close to Hyuck’s side.

Like a cat would, Jaemin headbutts the side of Hyuck’s shoulder with a noncommittal squeak. Hyuck is extremely endeared, though he appraises such endearments sceptically, and he expresses it with a short amused huff. 

Jaemin swiftly presses the side lock button on Hyuck’s phone, and before he’s bombarded with a round of irritated complaints, he follows up with, “I can drive you home.”

“Oh.” Hyuck blinks dumbly. “Okay.”

At least Hyuck could sleep on the way back home without having to fear for his life now, so he takes this small blessing with a happy yawn. Hyuck exits the dorms first, waiting out in the hallway for Jaemin to get his things and maybe even give Jeno a little goodbye kiss. Hyuck cringes, sighing dramatically to get the thought out of his head. 

“You didn’t forget anything, did you?” Jaemin’s voice booms as he asks on his way out the door. 

“No,” Hyuck lazily responds. 

“You sure?” Jaemin walks past him, his eyes trained diligently on his phone, his screen open on some messaging app Hyuck thinks is Telegram. Jaemin mindlessly pushes the lift buttons. “I won’t drive you back here just to get your things if you forget something.”

“Hm. It’s fine.”

The lift ride and the walk to the car is silent save for Jaemin’s little ‘here’ every now and then so Hyuck wouldn’t go the wrong way. Jaemin unlocks the car doors, and he lingers outside even after Hyuck has settled in the passenger seat with the buckles on. Hyuck waits patiently as the sounds of Jaemin’s fingernails furiously clicking against his phone’s screen grows more daunting by the millisecond. 

Once that’s done, Jaemin gets in with a sigh, tossing his phone into the dashboard with a clatter. He starts up the car, lets it rumble for a minute more as he fidgets around with the hem of his sleeves. They sit in silence the whole time, with the sound of steady breathing filling the car. Up close like this, in such a compact car, Hyuck could smell Jaemin. It’s only when Jaemin finishes whatever task he was on before and turns to look directly into Hyuck’s eyes does he realise he was staring the whole time. 

“Sleepy?” Jaemin doesn’t appear at all fazed by Hyuck’s stare, only smiling wide and close-lipped at him. 

“A little.” Hyuck looks away, face now stoic as he curls up on himself from how cold it is. The heater’s taking longer than expected to do its thing. 

Jaemin starts driving about a second later, heaving a dreamy sigh out when he realises Hyuck’s quickly running out of his quota of words for the day. He knows Hyuck could conjure up some more if he’s in the right mood, but with that shitty dinner and the forgotten ice cream—and the shitty horror movie, let’s be real—Jaemin figures it’s too much to ask Hyuck to simply cheer up. Throughout the car ride, Jaemin doesn’t play any music, and it’s only out of courtesy to Hyuck who’d said he was sleepy. 

Hyuck tries to take a nap, but about 10 minutes in, that restlessness from before sets in once again. It faded away for a bit when the loops in his heart and butterflies in his stomach went wild in Jaemin’s presence (he can’t figure out why yet, but his best guess is because Jaemin intimidates him when they’re alone), but now that restlessness is back. Hyuck can’t help feeling like today was an incomplete day, like he was meant to do something and simply didn’t. 

“Can’t sleep?” Jaemin notices him fidgeting and asks.

“Hm,” Hyuck nods, “I don’t know why.”

And they fall back into a wordless state after that. Jaemin never takes his focus off the road, but maybe that’s why Hyuck is confused when Jaemin takes one right-turn too early and keeps on going like it was a deliberate choice. Mutely, he notices how safe he feels still even when Jaemin’s driving him to God knows where. 

At some point, Jaemin pulls over to the side of the road and gives Hyuck a cute smile before stepping out of the car. He locks the doors after he’s left, and Hyuck, like many times in his life, is left with his rampant thoughts. He looks around the place, getting spooked just a tad when it’s only rows and rows of lights-out houses as far as he can see. There’s a junction behind, but Hyuck can’t see where the other lanes lead to from where he sits. All he can do is wait till it’s 10 minutes later and he spots Jaemin trotting over with a small plastic bag in his hands filled with mysterious things. 

The car opens loudly and messily. Jaemin’s panting just a little, seeming like he ran for most of his way back. He gets into the car and grins wide, with too many teeth and too much happiness this late into the night for Hyuck to handle skillfully, before he presents to Hyuck the contents in the plastic bag. 

Ice cream. There’s Hyuck’s favourite ice cream and another one he presumes is Jaemin’s. 

“Oh…” Hyuck mouths dumbly, for the lack of better words. 

Jaemin turns his body sideways so he’d face Hyuck, taking Hyuck’s ice cream and unwrapping it for him carefully. He hands the ice cream over, staring expectantly at Hyuck with big sparkly eyes that could only melt his heart and do nothing else. Hyuck takes the ice cream, holding it gingerly in his hands as he watches Jaemin unwrap his own.

“Why aren’t you eating it?” Jaemin asks curiously after he takes his first bite. “Too sleepy?”

“No, I—” 

“Hm?” Jaemin prompts him, then he’s distracted by the flavours on his tongue. “Hm! Ice cream will never taste as good as it does on the coldest days that could freeze your balls solid.”

Hyuck giggles. “You’re right.”

They don’t speak as they finish their ice cream, even as Jaemin finishes first and opts to watch Hyuck take the last few bites with a loving gaze that could outburn the Sun. Jaemin shoves the trash into a designated spot in his dashboard and turns back to Hyuck, blinking lazily at him with questions ready to roll from the tip of his tongue. 

“How are you feeling now?” Jaemin asks.

Hyuck wasn’t expecting that question. “I’m feeling okay. What about you?”

“I’m sorry, Hyuckie,” Jaemin apologises again, “for forgetting.”

“It’s fine,” Hyuck repeats the same thing he said before, but this time he’s sated and he means it from the bottom of his heart. 

“I won’t forget next time, okay?” Jaemin speaks kindly. 

Jaemin speaks like he’s grown to love all of mankind and its atrocities, like he chooses to love humanity despite learning by himself the evil that humanity is capable of. Jaemin’s tone is reassuring, and its weight is bounty, and it does wonders to Hyuck’s already sensitive heart. Words will always mean so much to Hyuck who’s learnt to wield them like a weapon, especially if it comes from Jaemin who wields his words as a fifth limb instead, a helping hand. 

“You’re really nice, Minnie,” Hyuck says, and even though he means to say it normally with a rugged edge as a finishing touch, his throat is currently closing up and his voice is doing that thing it does before he cries.

Jaemin stiffens up, pupils quivering as he watches the first tear roll down Hyuck’s cheek. Immediately, it’s gone, wiped away with the back of Hyuck’s hand. 

“Is it Renjun?” Jaemin manages to guess correctly in the first try, frowning as Hyuck nods. “What did you guys talk about? I thought it was settled?”

“It is, but I just—it is. Yeah, it is settled.” Hyuck wipes away another tear. “Sorry, I’m just sleepy. You know when babies cry when they’re sleepy? Yeah, it’s that, I bet. Can we—Can we go?”

“Haechan, you’re not a baby,” Jaemin argues with a frown. “Are you afraid of telling me? Is that it?”

“You’re Renjun’s best friend, man. He goes to you first with every news, good or bad. I’m not going to—to talk shit about Renjun to you.” Jaemin gropes around the deepest corners of his dashboard and hauls out a huge pack of dry tissue. He rips into it and pulls out four tissues at once for Hyuck who accepts it easily. “Thanks, but I’m still not gonna tell you—” Jaemin ignores him in favour of reaching his huge yaoi hands out to grab Hyuck’s face and pulling him closer. 

Hyuck falls silent, trying his best to make out Jaemin’s facial features when he has no contact lenses on in addition to his vision being blurred by his tears. All he knows is that he’s incredibly close to Jaemin. He can smell him so strongly now, the sort of clean musk that smells expensive more than anything else. Jaemin is an expert at portraying himself the exact way he wants to, from the niche scent down to the practised smiles. Thinking about the intricacies of Jaemin while he’s this close is making Hyuck’s stomach do that weird swoop again, more so when he feels Jaemin’s breath hitting his cheek.

“You’re full of shit,” is what Jaemin says first as he dabs a tissue to Hyuck’s tears. “I know what Renjun must have said.”

“What?” Hyuck intends to challenge him, but alas, trying to do so when Jaemin’s holding his face hostage isn’t quite a smart choice, so he backtracks mid-tone only to end up sounding comical. 

“I know how you apologise when you truly mean it. You say what you did wrong, you say what you could have done better, and you make it all about the other person because that’s what an apology should look like to you. It should be about the other person. And I know how Renjun apologises too. He says what he did wrong, he says what he could have done better, but he doesn’t make it all about the other person. He was hurt too, so he makes it about himself, just a little.” 

“If you know so much, why did you ask?” 

Jaemin finally releases some of the grip on Hyuck’s face, leaning back to be able to stare at his red-rimmed eyes with unreadable eyes. There’s something so intimate about the way he swipes his thumbs along Hyuck’s cheeks, how he cups the side of Hyuck’s face like he’s going to do more than just stare into his eyes. 

“Why do you have this incessant need to pinpoint a villain in every story?” Jaemin asks curiously. “Why does every interaction you have with another person need to happen according to some format in your mind?”

“What are you talking about?” Hyuck frowns. “You’re making no sense.”

“And when the interaction doesn’t go according to your little script, it makes no sense to you, so you brush it off till you have time to dissect it.” Jaemin lets go of Hyuck’s face completely, leaning back to rest against the car door. He stares Hyuck down like he did earlier that day, predatorily. “You play a character each time. You’re not just some character, you know? You’re a real person. There’s real people around you, real people talking to you with real feelings that they feel in real time. Not everyone gets to stow away their emotions and analyse it at a more convenient time like you do.”

“I wanna go home,” Hyuck murmurs out in defeat. 

“Yeah, if I were you and I followed a specific format to apologise, I’d get upset too if other people apologise differently. I wouldn’t understand it at first, and I’d mistake it as carelessness. And I’m sure if you’d dissected that whole apology scene with Renjun sooner, you’d realise that you hurt Renjun a little more with your words than he hurt you with his nosiness, and him making his apology about himself just a teeny tiny bit isn’t something to blame him for. I’m sure you would have figured it out in due time, Donghyuckie.” Jaemin straightens up, arms folded on his chest as he leans till their faces are mere inches apart. Their breaths mingle together until Hyuck decides to hold his breath in. “Am I still nice now?”

          There’s a reason why Hyuck thinks he and Jaemin are identical, a very solid reason, and it keeps Hyuck up at night. They do things from the heart, both of them, and he doesn’t mean they do things out of the goodness of their heart, he means they do things proudly with intention and wholeheartedly too, but they still use their heads plenty. That’s what he means, and he’s not really the best people analyser, not quite there yet when there are some people in his life he can’t figure out for the life of him, but he thinks his motivations line up with Jaemin’s motivations quite well. 

Hyuck did end up dissecting that whole of yesterday, from the hiss at Jaemin to the very last moment their eyes were locked as Hyuck rode the lift up to his floor. Jaemin had been thoughtful in the end, walking Hyuck back because a frail pretty boy like him couldn’t possibly fend off petty ghosts. He thinks it was just Jaemin’s way of showing him they’re still good, that the words he spoke to him in the car were said in good will. Yesterday drained the hell out of him, more so than any other day. He’d take a physically strenuous concert than a mentally strenuous hangout with friends any day in general, but yesterday had been something else truly.

“Hey, haven’t seen you for, like, a day.” Mark comes knocking on his door a few minutes before the manager is due to arrive. Hyuck lets him in without saying anything, too tired to think of the right words to say. He goes back into the kitchen where he’d been in the middle of breaking into a new carton of coca cola. His last one lasted three days, he hopes this one doesn’t run out too soon. “Man, you gotta lay off those.”

“Mind your business,” Hyuck quips back fast, but there’s no bite in his tone.

Mark lets out a short laugh, but otherwise doesn’t say anything till they’re waiting in the living room for the manager. “Jeno said he forgot to buy you ice cream yesterday.”

“Oh, yeah,” Hyuck replies, “but Jaemin stopped somewhere to get it on the drive back to my place.” 

“He said you were about to cry.” Hyuck keeps mum even as Mark stares him down like a mom trying to catch one of her kids when they’re lying. “Donghyuck.”

“What do you want me to say?” Hyuck spits out. “That I wanted to cry because of ice cream? 

“Why are you so defensive?” Mark frowns. “It’s not—”

“I know it’s not their fault. People forget stuff, I know that, and I know I shouldn’t have even felt like crying—shouldn’t have shown that I felt like crying because it’s not their fault and I shouldn’t make them feel bad.” He can’t meet Mark’s eyes even as he says all these, too embarrassed to do so as he admits his faults. “I know, Mark, so just—please, just let it go.”

Mark doesn’t respond, doesn’t even move in his spot where he’s sitting right next to Hyuck, so the latter turns to him out of curiosity more than anything. He flinches when Mark’s looking at him all pissed and sulky. What did he do now? What did he do wrong? He would have thought that after all these years, Mark could understand where he’s coming from like it’s second nature, as easy as breathing and moving and thinking, and he thought he was safe. 

“Why do you like to think of yourself as the villain every single time?” Mark says finally, his low tone sounding disappointed. 

“What?” Hyuck shoots back in surprise. “What do you mean?” This reminds him of last night with Jaemin, stuck in his car as the frost eats away at the glass windows.

“I was gonna say it’s not like you did anything wrong. I don’t get why you’re so defensive—I’m not blaming you for anything, I was asking if you really were about to cry out of concern. I’m worried about you. That panic attack you had about a month ago, the panic attack you had a week ago, your behaviour lately—it’s just concerning to me.” 

“Oh.” Hyuck feels dumb.

Like mentioned, Hyuck knows he isn’t the best people analyser, but even this came out of left field to his guilt-addled brain. He feels bad now, feels like the villain in this story once again for doubting Mark’s trust in him. It’s an endless cycle, an endless loop, and his first instinct is to tell Mark to maybe mind his own business, with actual venom this time so it’d hurt, but Jaemin’s look from yesterday stops him—the one he gave to Hyuck before he could make things worse out of pure intrusiveness after hurting Renjun. 

Mark pulls on Hyuck’s earlobe teasingly, can’t help but to laugh at how ridiculous everything is. “You really thought I was gonna say it’s your fault?”

“I don’t know, I thought you—” 

“Hated you as much as you hate yourself?”

“That wasn’t… what I was… gonna say…” Hyuck ducks his head down in shame, picking on his scabs habitually whenever he doesn’t know what to do. 

“Hey.” Mark nudges his shoulder to catch his attention. When their eyes meet, Mark pouts in sympathy, a twinkle of a laugh bubbling at the back of his throat as fondness oozes from him. Hyuck doesn’t know the exact face he’s currently making, too caught up in not wanting to appear shameful, but whatever face he’s making is apparently tugging at Mark’s heartstrings. He coos, “Donghyuck, you’re okay, okay? And cute too—but, anyway, you’re okay, you’re okay.” Mark pats his head, smoothing down the back of his hair with a chuckle. “You’re okay.”

Hyuck doesn’t know why Mark feels the need to repeat it more than once, but just to reassure him, he nods and says, “I’m okay.”

Hyuck doesn’t have a format to his social interactions, not all of them anyway. He has a script he sticks to when fans come up to him or when he’s interacting any other way with fans, but Hyuck doesn’t hold down the people he knows personally into a certain script. That’s no fun, frankly speaking, and Hyuck is nothing without his love for fun. Perhaps, Jaemin has a script, and yesterday was all about him projecting onto Hyuck like how Hyuck projects onto Jaemin. Maybe calling him nice was not in his script and he felt the need to act out, maybe he didn’t want Hyuck to call him nice, maybe Hyuck shouldn't have called him nice. Whatever his reason is, Hyuck could understand it. 

          Jeno ends up hurting his pinky finger during practice two days later, and it’s a small fracture that needs to be wrapped up as per the doctor’s orders. They carry on with practice till Jeno comes back with a new bandage and a radiating smile on his handsome face. Jaemin inspects the pinky finger carefully, his touch light and his face adorned with a small concerned frown. That specific concerned face doesn’t make an appearance often, but each time it does, Hyuck thinks it’s only ever for Jeno. It’s heartwarming, it tugs at Hyuck’s heart and it scares the restful butterflies in Hyuck’s stomach into swarming around chaotically. Jaemin intimidates him even when they’re not alone, it seems, because it’s foreign to see someone like Jaemin who has sent a mean punch to Hyuck’s face act so gentle other times.

Practice ends when the instructor is satisfied with how clean their formations are, and the manager from 127 peeks his head into the room with a smile directed to Mark and Hyuck. Meanwhile, DREAM’s managers busy themselves with gathering their things to drive the kids back home. 

“Hey, boys! I’m here to drive you back home!” 127 Manager Hyung announces. 

“Oh, what?” Mark asks in surprise. “I thought we had practice with the hyungs?”

“It got cancelled for tonight. A few members came down with really bad colds. They’ll be fine enough tomorrow, though.” 

“Hey, since you guys have free time now, wanna eat together?” Renjun chirps in.

Mark turns to Renjun, a smile growing on his face. “That sounds good. Hyung, we’ll go with them instead, sorry.”

“Nah, it’s all good. Haechan, you too?” 

Hyuck nods, smiling. “Yeah, me too.”

The last time the seven of them gathered for reasons outside of work was a hell of a long time ago, and excitement bubbles up Hyuck’s whole being. He works best in huge groups, with all the jokes and the comments he could make to every member. Except, when they’re back at the dorms and the food comes, Jaemin takes the seat next to Hyuck. Or maybe he’s taking the seat next to Jeno and Hyuck happened to sit on his other side, but technicalities don’t really matter when Hyuck’s mood drops considerably. 

Hyuck eats his food peacefully, only laughing when someone says something funny, talking when someone says something to him, keeping quiet and minding his own business the rest of the time. Jaemin cracks a joke about something Chenle said, and Hyuck can’t help giggling at it even when no one else laughs, can’t help that Jaemin’s humour matches his in a sui generis manner, too close to the heart for him to simply ignore. Jaemin leans closer to him for the rest of the meal, and whatever little weight he uses to do so is familiar to Hyuck. 

They play UNO, only because Jisung wanted to play and Mark’s heart bleeds for their youngest with so much love that makes it impossible for him to say no, and then they have a lengthy debate about the actual rules of UNO. By the time Chenle starts yawning like a beast, and curling into himself on the couch like a tired cat, everyone knows it’s time to disperse and head to bed. Jaemin announces that he’s got his car parked downstairs since he drove to the dorms this morning, somehow having the premonition that he’d end up here at the end of the night.

Hyuck, by some odd luck, is forced to take the passenger seat when Chenle and Mark tumble into the backseats. They giggle about something funny on their phones while Jaemin lets the car rumble for a minute, playing music at a low volume, scrolling through his texts with his mom. Hyuck takes his own phone out, fingers flurrying quickly to text Jaemin before the latter starts driving.

[Hyuck: jaem.]

He sees his name popping up at the top of Jaemin’s screen, and then he watches the way Jaemin’s eyebrows shoot up for a second, stunned. He huffs out in amusement but slides the notification bar up and away. Hyuck watches everything, absolutely floored by how brazen Jaemin is. So, he tries again.

[Hyuck: jaem. ]

[Hyuck: jaemin.]

Jaemin doesn’t swipe the notification bar up this time but he ignores it till it disappears all on its own. Hyuck didn’t think Jaemin had it in him to be even more of a dick, but here he is trying his best not to sulk because of Jaemin. He gnaws on his bottom lip as he tries again.

[Hyuck: jaem.]

[Hyuck: jaemin.]

[Hyuck: jaemin oppa~]

Jaemin takes in a sharp, loud, presumably vexed breath that startles Hyuck, making him jolt. Mark and Chenle’s voices taper off for a moment, eyes trained on the way Hyuck stares at Jaemin expectantly like a kicked puppy. Jaemin clicks his tongue in irritation, but finally clicks on Hyuck’s text notification like he’s got no choice but to do so. 

[Hyuck: jaem.]

[Hyuck: jaemin.]

[Hyuck: jaemin oppa~]

[Jaemin: what]

[Hyuck: can we stop by

a 24/7 mart near my

place?]

[Jaemin: too much work]

[Jaemin: how about]

[Jaemin: no]

[Hyuck: pls?] 

And Hyuck looks up at Jaemin with huge doe eyes that he knows Jaemin loves. He’s a sucker for all things cute, after all, and Hyuck has mastered the art of manipulating people with his big round eyes and cute pouts. Jaemin tries not to let it get to him, but his gaze lingers on Hyuck’s lips before he turns away. 

[Hyuck: jaem.]

[Hyuck: jaemin.]

[Hyuck: jaemin oppa~]

[Jaemin: what]

[Hyuck: can we stop by

a 24/7 mart near my

place?]

[Jaemin: too much work]

[Jaemin: how about]

[Jaemin: no]

[Hyuck: pls?] 

[Jaemin: fine]

Crazy how malleable Jaemin is when it comes to cute things. Hyuck finds pride in himself when Jaemin starts driving right after, knowing he’d won this round of psychological warfare fair and square. Jaemin sends Chenle first, unmoving till he sees Chenle entering the building safely. He then drives off to the next place which is Mark’s, also staying till Mark is gone from sight. Finally, he turns to Hyuck with a deadpan expression, hand reaching out to pinch Hyuck’s cheek painfully.

“Oww!” Hyuck whines, swatting Jaemin’s hand away. “What was that even for? That hurts, you’re literally a bully. I’m gonna tell my mom—”

“Alright, alright, be quiet,” Jaemin says with a roll of his eyes, manning the wheel with his left hand as his right rests on Hyuck’s thigh. He grips it tight through the denim material, promptly making Hyuck’s lips zip up and his body freeze up too, nonplussed. “What are you gonna get from the mart?”

“Two cartons of cola…” Hyuck replies, feeling oddly ashamed.

“Nothing else?” Jaemin scoffs in disbelief. He’s long given up on trying to nag Hyuck into consuming healthier things, thank the heavens for that, but it doesn’t stop him from still being disappointed. He gives Hyuck a look, unreadable at first, but Hyuck thinks it means ‘do better’ or something of that sort. “You should stop hurting your body,” Jaemin dramatically says after a long silence, the tip of his thumb slipping between one of the rips on Hyuck’s jeans and searing deep into Hyuck’s flesh. 

They pull over in front of the mart, and Jaemin retracts his hand that had practically seeped into Hyuck’s thigh, needing it to adjust the gears of the car. Hyuck tumbles out clumsily, needing to take a breath of fresh air—fresh enough that Hyuck is sure it’s not imbued with Jaemin’s perfume. 

Jaemin steps out too, much to Hyuck’s surprise since he expected him to wait in the car, and then the car beeps as he locks the doors. Jaemin follows him into the mart, staying just a distance away the entire time Hyuck slithers through the aisles, having known by heart the layout of the mart from how frequently he comes by. Even as Hyuck takes the two cartons of cola and loads it up on the counter, Jaemin follows him without uttering a single word. Hyuck is instinctively reminded of boyfriends and husbands following their girlfriends and wives around the mart, appraising everything in their line of sight in silence, secretly happy that they’re there. 

When Jaemin takes the two cartons while Hyuck pays for it, the boyfriend-girlfriend/husband-wife comparison pops up again in his mind. Butterflies. Butterflies all around. So many of them that it flies down to his palms, where they fly around under his skin and make them tingle. Jaemin goes ahead and puts the drinks in the backseat before he’s back at the front and driving off. 

Hyuck swallows thickly, not believing what he’s about to say, “Thank you.” Jaemin glances at him briefly but says nothing. “And sorry.”

That catches Jaemin’s attention, causing him to frown. At the next red light, he cranes his head to the side to fully look at Hyuck. “Why are you sorry?”

“For inconveniencing you.” Hyuck smiles sheepishly. “And also for hissing at you a few days ago.”

Jaemin bursts out laughing, pinching Hyuck’s cheek again for the fun of it till the light turns green and he has to go. He seems fond, more than anything, and Hyuck doesn’t know how to react. “You’re so cute. If I didn’t wanna drive you to the mart, I wouldn’t have driven you to the mart.”

“Still—”

“And why apologise for that hiss?” Jaemin questions him, tone bordering on incredulity. “You’re so weird.”

There’s a few minutes where Hyuck has to pause to get his cognitive gears going at maximum efficiency. “Wait,” Hyuck mutters, “you weren’t pissed off at me for hissing at you?”

“You thought I was mad at you?” Jaemin giggles. “No, Hyuckie, it was cute. It was so, so, so cute.”

“What?” 

“Yeah! I thought you were cute! Hissing at me like a cat? You know how much I love cats—oh, my God, you were adorable.” Another red light. Jaemin turns to him again with his full attention, eyes darkening all too suddenly as the tails of his lips curl menacingly. “So adorable,” the timbre of his voice dips low as he enunciates loud and clear, “I wanted to eat you.”

The chemicals in Hyuck’s brain sloshes around, trying to formulate a response suitable enough for whatever Jaemin just threw at him. He comes up with nothing. He can only go rigid, open-mouthed in bewilderment, blinking stupidly as he surveys the shape of Jaemin’s lips for fear of meeting his eyes instead. 

Jaemin snickers after a few beats with the full knowledge that he’s managed to disconcert Hyuck in one quick second. The drive back home is palpably slow, to Hyuck at least, but it ends sometime. Jaemin, the bastard that he is, carries the two cartons of cola for Hyuck and follows him to the lift. When he figures that’s surely as far as Jaemin would go, he’s rudely proven wrong when Jaemin enters the lift before he does. He can’t even protest since he knows Jaemin isn’t above opening each individual can of cola and dumping them down the drain out of spite. 

At his door, Hyuck punches in the code and holds it open wide enough only for himself, standing by the gap so Jaemin couldn’t force his way in as well. Jaemin laughs inaudibly at how clear Hyuck’s desperation in wanting to be left alone is, apparently not wanting to enter the apartment himself as he easily transfers whatever’s in his arms into Hyuck’s. 

“Good night, baby,” Jaemin singsongs, not letting Hyuck get a word in before he’s sauntering down the hallway to the lift. 

Hyuck stands there stupefied for a moment, but not long enough for Jaemin to have time to look back and see him still standing out there. He hurries inside, his mind empty and eerily quiet for the rest of the night. 

          Hyuck at long last susses the poignant truth that is his extremely shitty mental health. He discovers three separate factors altogether that leads him to that conclusion. 

The first factor is his panic attacks. Previously, he thought it was normal for panic attacks to occur at all, until he notices no one but him and Renjun have those. And Renjun is openly mentally ill, hooray to the guy and everything, but Hyuck doesn’t know what having panic attacks on the regular (Mark thinks once every two to three months is regular enough of a cause for concern) says about himself. The thought of therapy never crossed his mind, and it never would have if his suicidal ideations were tempered down enough to a point of normalcy. Which leads him to the second factor. Suicidal ideations have no normal point since even the most tempered down thoughts like “Haha, what if I killed myself?” and “This makes me want to kill myself.” aren’t normal if he means them. He had that realisation after noticing that nobody besides Renjun and himself—and maybe Jisung sometimes—meant their little jokes about wanting to die. Lastly, the third factor is his need to blame himself in any given situation that doesn’t have a clear person to blame. If Chenle annoys him to the point of pissing him off, there’s a clear person to blame. If it was Mark who spoke harshly first, there’s a clear person to blame. But otherwise, when Hyuck can’t figure out truly if the other person is wrong, and he finds himself in an unpleasant situation, he blames himself first. This particular enlightenment is all thanks to Jeno who, in true Jeno fashion, accidentally spilled his drink on Hyuck’s shirt. He made a dramatic show of being insulted and absolutely horrified, but when Jeno muttered an adorable apology, he laughed it off.

“I saw you about to fall, I should have been able to avoid you, clumsy puppy,” Hyuck said fondly. 

Jeno hated his response it seemed like, and what he said next floored Hyuck, “Why do you blame yourself? I tripped. That’s not my fault. You happened to be in the crossfire. That’s not your fault.” 

Jeno was right. Hyuck saw now how he has to always point fingers at someone, and more often than not he points them at himself. So this was what Jaemin and Mark had been talking about. They had been trying to get him to see that there wasn’t any need to pin the blame on any one of the two sides. Maybe this was what Jaemin meant when he said Hyuck had a format for his social interactions. There’s a role each person plays. Free reign script and all, most times, but they play characters nevertheless, and Hyuck takes the last role available at all times.

It’s depressing. Maybe Hyuck needs to look for a therapist, maybe he should ask Renjun to introduce him to a good one, or maybe Mark could be his therapist. He discards all three options and goes for a secret fourth one.

          Hyuck hangs out at the dorms with the kids again, this time without Mark who’s busy learning a choreo for the hell of it, ever reluctant to actually rest when he has free time. Once it’s time to go home, Hyuck waits for Jaemin to offer to drive him and Chenle home but pretends like he isn’t doing so anyway, pulling up the taxi app like he always does. 

Jaemin offers to drive them home eventually, of course, because he is actually really nice even if he hates it when Hyuck calls him that. Hyuck naturally takes the passenger seat again, feeling like even if the car was packed to the brim, this seat is his and his only. Even if Jeno was there. Chenle babbles on about something Hyuck doesn’t pay attention to, happy to yap away even if he knows no one’s available to entertain him. At his stop, Chenle waves to them cheerfully and practically skips away. How he’s so full of energy still is beyond Hyuck.

When Jaemin pulls out of the driveway of Chenle’s block, Hyuck chances a shy glance at him. Noticing that, Jaemin murmurs out, “Why?”

“Jaemin, can I ask you something?” Hyuck nervously asks.

“What is it?” Jaemin prompts him.

“You know me well, right?” It feels taboo to ask, like it’s an open secret that Jaemin knows Hyuck like how every trainee in the company past the year 2013 knows the choreography of Growl. But he has to ask. He has to make sure, or give Jaemin a hint, or give him some kind of cushion for the favour he’s asking of him. Hyuck knows Jaemin knows him, but does Jaemin know Hyuck knows that he knows Hyuck? “I feel like you know me best, besides Mark.” Maybe in some sense, if he wanted to, Jaemin could understand him even better. 

Jaemin swallows, frown twitching in and out of view in a split second. “Where are you going with this?”

“I realised recently that I have the habit of blaming myself when there’s no need to.” 

“Uh-huh.” Jaemin nods along. “Congratulations.”

“You know me well, right?” Hyuck repeats his question from before, forcing himself to bypass Jaemin’s sarcasm in favour of the bigger picture at play here. “I know you do, so—okay, I wanted to ask you to be my moral compass.”

“What?” Jaemin exclaims in shock. He’s manifestly thrown for a loop at Hyuck’s request, finding it hard to believe that he’s just been asked such a thing. “What?” He says again. Then, “Donghyuck, what?”

“Be my moral compass,” Hyuck asks of him again, less shamefully this time and more resolutely.

Red light. Jaemin doesn’t face Hyuck like expected, his eyes never straying from the road in front of him. He has both his hands on the wheel too, gripping it so tight his knuckles turn whiter than usual. Jaemin processes everything at top speed, because he’s formed a list of questions for Hyuck by the time he switches the engine off in the carpark of Hyuck’s building.

“I—” Jaemin sighs. “I have a few things to ask.”

“Go ahead.” Hyuck smiles encouragingly.

“Okay, so, you realised that you’re a little fucked up, and now you want my help to unfuck up yourself?” 

“What an eloquent way to put it.”

“Stop joking around,” Jaemin deadpans.

“Sorry.” Hyuck deflates. “Um. Basically, yeah.”

“And you’re asking me to become your moral compass?” 

Jaemin shakes a little from where he’s sitting, enough for Hyuck to notice. He can’t tell if Jaemin’s shaking from confusion or from the cold, but it’s very cute. Clearing his throat, Hyuck puts his palms together and bows low, clearly begging to be understood. “Please, Jaemin, It’s really easy. Anytime something happens and I feel like something’s my fault, I’ll come to you to ask if it really is or if it isn’t.”

“Why me?” Jaemin asks. “You said it yourself, besides me Mark knows you best. Why not ask Mark?”

“Because I trust you to be impartial,” Hyuck responds quickly, having already thought of that reason when he first decided to pick Jaemin as his moral compass. “You know how Mark is. He’s an emotional guy, leads with his heart and all, and while that’s true for you too, I think you can be one-hundred percent impartial if I need you to be.”

“I wouldn’t say that’s wrong…” Jaemin mumbles softly, trailing off.

“Please? Effective tomorrow.” Hyuck nudges him. 

Jaemin’s eyes dart all over his face, probably in search of any indication that would suggest Hyuck’s merely trying to have a laugh, but when Hyuck grimly stares back, he realises again the severity of the situation. “Are you sure?” 

Hyuck nods. “A hundred percent.”

          Turns out, Hyuck needed Jaemin’s moral compass more often than not. He finds himself texting or calling Jaemin to ask about this and that a lot more recently. Sometimes it’s about an actual conflict, and sometimes it’s just little things he keeps on overthinking about like his conversations with his siblings. With most scenarios, Jaemin would say none of whatever that transpired is Hyuck’s fault, regardless of how much Hyuck feels like it is. It takes a bit of accepting too each time, like he has to talk himself out of feeling like the villain, and Jaemin’s reassurance that “No, it’s not your fault.” serves as a nice reminder to anchor down on.

This whole arrangement leads to Hyuck being able to take quick peeks of Jaemin’s mind too, and it feels quite like being exposed to a government secret that would topple the economy. Jaemin would explain each time why it’s not Hyuck’s fault, he’d explain how he sees each scenario, and Hyuck has come to make peace with the fact that Jaemin’s mind truly is the 8th wonder of the world. Hyuck wants to kiss it. Not him. But his brain. Hyuck wants to take that brain out on a date, pay for the food, bring it back home, make love to it—the whole point is that Hyuck’s been truly improving in his way of thinking all thanks to Jaemin, and about four months later, he’s closer to Jaemin than he has ever been in almost a decade. 

Mark notices his lack of a panic attack or mental breakdown on the fourth month in, and his scrutinising eyes prompts devilish little giggles from Hyuck who takes the chance to appear mysterious to Mark. They know each other so well there’s barely any need to question each other on anything, but now is definitely not the case since Mark is so perplexed he goes to Jaemin to ask.

Past Hyuck would say it’s betrayal of the highest degree, but Present Hyuck doesn’t mind. Even when Jaemin sidles up to him at the airport boarding queue, pressing his face flat into the back of Hyuck’s neck, and murmurs, “I asked Renjun to switch seats with you.” 

Hyuck ponders over the possible reason, and when they’re about to fly off, all buckled in and trying not to cringe at the roaring engine of the plane, Hyuck leans over and asks, “What’s up?”

Now is the perfect time to say secrets aloud. The members are either listening to music or sleeping, and add to that the sound of the engines, Hyuck could scream out anything and no one would hear him. Jaemin turns to him and smiles at him in a way that sends chills down Hyuck’s spine. “Mark came to me earlier today and asked if I knew what was up with you.”

“Cute,” Hyuck lamely remarks, “And then?”

“I said to him: all I know is that Haechan is cute.” Jaemin giggles softly. “Mark sulked.”

“Why did he sulk?” Hyuck asks.

“Because he asked about you and didn’t get the answer he wanted.” 

“Thanks for not telling him.” Hyuck smizes. “I know you hate it when I say this, but you’re really nice, Jaemin, seriously.”

Jaemin stares unspeakingly at Hyuck, face impassive as he swallows thickly. “Why do you think I’d hate being called nice by you?” He asks, utterly confused.

“You don’t hate it?” Hyuck shoots back instead of answering.

“No,” Jaemin mumbles softly, “of course not.”

“‘Cause I thought that night you drove me back and got me ice cream—I thought you acted out because you didn’t like being called nice.” Hyuck fiddles with the blanket on his lap, his uncertainty in what exactly happened rendering him almost thoughtless now. “Was that not it?”

“Donghyuck, I quote-unquote acted out when you called me nice because you said it in a self-pitying way, like I was nice and you could only wish you were as nice as I was. You were putting yourself down and blaming yourself. Sure, you were harsh to Renjun but that was in response to him prying rudely as well. There wasn’t any particular side to blame there. And then you call me nice, and then you cry. If I played the villain, I thought maybe you’d see that I’m no different from you—I could be harsh too, I could hurt your feelings too.” 

“Oh, I assumed you were acting out and then I blamed myself for calling you nice…” Hyuck trails off, another thought intercepting the previous one. “Tell me, my handsome moral compass, should I not have blamed myself back then?”

“No, you shouldn’t have,” Jaemin says with pity, voice sympathetic as he melts under Hyuck’s indecipherable gaze. “I’m sorry for making you feel that way.”

“Bygones,” Hyuck mumbles dismissively.

“You’re a good guy, Haechan. You’re nice too. You’re okay, understood?” Jaemin lightly taps under Hyuck’s chin with the tips of his fingers in an adoring manner before he shifts to browse through the movies available on the plane.

Belatedly, Hyuck reaches an enlightenment somewhere in the plane ride regarding that time Mark repeated over and over again to him the words “You’re okay.” It wasn’t a reassurance telling Hyuck he’d be okay. Mark was saying he was okay, that he was good, that all is perfectly fine with him personality wise—he’s an okay guy, all things considered. Some would consider ‘okay’ as a subpar description, but it’s easy to live up to even on bad days where all he feels is the urge to become a prick to his members. Overcome that urge and he’s not necessarily a good guy, just an okay guy, a decent one who’s aware of basic social norms and morals and what he should or shouldn't do. Hyuck could live up to that. 

          It’s going well. Everything’s going well. Hyuck breezes through his packed schedule with more grit than usual, shame filling him to the brim when his inactivity at the start of the year haunts him. In July, Hyuck gets sick, missing DREAM’s 7th year anniversary fanmeeting regretfully. He calls Jaemin that night, with a little sniffle from the flu to greet him first thing after the call is answered. Before he can say anything, Jaemin laughs over the phone, softly, endearingly.

“It's not your fault you got sick, Hyuckie,” Jaemin says. “Get well soon, okay? I’ll see you the day after tomorrow, baby.”

“Okay,” Hyuck croaks out, “see you soon.”

          The demons from the very start of the story swims up to the surface eventually, and it happens at a very troubling time. For Chenle’s birthday, Renjun organises an intimate celebration with just the seven of them. Chenle’s lovely, lovable, loved. He preens like a cat with all the attention and love directed to him, rightfully so since it’s his birthday. At about 3 in the morning, Mark announces that he and Hyuck have a packed schedule lined up for them, which is another way to state that they have to go. Besides Jisung who’s sleeping over at Chenle’s place, everyone else decides to leave too.

Jaemin, as always, announces he brought his car, so the rest of them happily trots behind him as he leads them to the carpark. Hyuck speeds up, catching up to Jaemin so they’d walk side by side for a moment before he goes even faster. He looks like one of those old aunties in the park who likes to brisk walk across the entirety of Seoul. The universe loves Hyuck, because no one calls shotgun before he could get to it first. And, yeah, he could have been the one to yell “Shotgun!” like a loser, but that passenger seat is his. He doesn’t have to claim it out loud. 

Jaemin obviously sees what Hyuck is doing, and he shakes his head in goodwill as a response, a small smile dancing on his lips as he gets in the driver’s seat. Like always, while he lets the car rumble and the engine warm up, Jaemin goes through his texts he’d put off from this morning. Hyuck settles comfortably in the passenger seat, happy that he’s not back there with the other three idiots (affectionate) who are busy bickering about staying in their respective spaces. Renjun clicks his tongue at Mark who allegedly takes up too much space with his manspreading legs, and Mark bites back saying Renjun should have sat in the middle seat because he was the smallest. Jeno laughs, but otherwise, he squeezes towards the door to give Mark space to come closer. 

Hyuck takes his phone out, and he sends a text to Jaemin.

[Hyuck: jaemin.]

Jaemin replies quickly this time.

[Hyuck: jaemin.]

[Jaemin: what?]

[Jaemin: wanna go to the

mart again?] 

[Hyuck: hi.] 

[Jaemin: ???]

And that’s all Hyuck says, tittering to himself when Jaemin looks up at him with a deadpan expression. Hyuck cheekily tugs on Jaemin’s earlobe softly, just like how Mark likes to do to him, and grins even wider when Jaemin inaudibly responds by baring his teeth like he’s about to hiss all cat-like. Hyuck points a finger to Jaemin’s teeth in slow motion, waiting with bated breath before he retracts his finger back when Jaemin makes a show of biting it. Butterflies turn his insides out, the fear of actually getting bitten overcoming him briefly. But it’s a fun thrill Hyuck enjoys.

Hyuck giggles, and laughter is dangerously contagious after all, so it causes Jaemin to rasp out a low laugh as well, staring at Hyuck like he’s the only one in the car right now. The two of them haven’t said a word to each other, as far as the onlookers (the three idiots [affectionate]) can tell, so they feel like the third-fourth-fifth wheels of something they shouldn’t interrupt. 

Jaemin starts driving when Hyuck flushes red bright enough for it to be noticeable in the dim light, a million-dollar grin decorating his stunning face. He drops Jeno and Renjun off first, blowing a kiss to them from his seat as he laughs at Mark stretching his legs wide freely while groaning in relief. Then, Jeno runs back to them before they’ve driven off and whispers something to Jaemin, their faces pressed so close it’s impossible for anyone to even try to guess what he’s saying. Jaemin bursts out laughing at whatever’s said to him, and nudges Jeno away playfully. Jaemin winks at Jeno, greasy as always. 

Seeing that whole exchange made Hyuck lock up. His mind starts going at a million miles per second, palms tingling and muscles constricting as he tries to move them but fails. He hasn’t had one of these—these panic attacks—for more than half a year now, and it feels like an old toxic friend that would only use him for money and fame, all Hyuck has to do is stand in place, unmoving, unfeeling, reduced to a mere statue as people appraise him like he’s a spectacle to behold. Never pick him apart, never look too close, because this statue has been chipped away by the elements, and it’ll continue to chip away as it stands in place, unmoving, unfeeling. Hyuck closes his eyes, since that’s the only thing he can do, and hides his inner turmoil as a nap.

It’s only when they’re nearing Mark’s place and Mark decides to ask Hyuck something about their next-day schedules do they realise Hyuck hasn’t been doing well. Mark shakes Hyuck, trying to get him to wake up, but Hyuck’s sweating abnormally hard and his eyes are red around the rims. He opens his eyes, meets Mark’s deathly worried face head on, and then the tears gnaw through the dam in record speed, bursting out in floods against his will. The car stops behind Mark’s block, where they’re obscured by the buildings around them. Jaemin turns to Hyuck, face adorning a slight frown that’s equal parts tender and rare. Mark immediately gets out of the car, swinging open the door to the passenger seat as he kneels right by Hyuck’s side.

“I’m gonna—hey, I’m gonna touch you, okay?” Mark warns him, before he takes Hyuck’s hands into his own ones, cringing at how cold they are while warming them up. “You’re visiting your mom’s place this weekend, right? I know you said your sister was asking you to spend time with them. Talking about siblings, my brother called. He said he met this girl…” The rest of Mark’s rant falls on deaf ears, Hyuck’s mind floating away again. The moment that snaps him back into reality is when Mark says, “…right, Jaemin?”

“Yeah,” Jaemin’s voice comes from the side, a controlled laugh slipping from his lips. “I’m… gonna touch you, too, Hyuckie.” His hand reaches to the back of Hyuck’s neck where deft fingers burn shapes into his skin. “My grandma wanted to see me in between schedules. She’s coming over to my parents’ place next week. I miss her.” Goosebumps crawl up the back of Hyuck’s spine, and he’s sure it’s visible judging from how Jaemin’s touch slows to a still. He leaves his touch there, but he doesn’t move. 

Hyuck thinks about Jaemin and his grandmother, thinks about the time they had that encore concert in Seoul and his whole family showed up to support him. Jaemin had spoken in a deep tone the whole time, and Hyuck was reminded of himself and his own family. Tone deepened, words scarce, so that way their families could view them seriously and normally. Despite the bright smiles and boisterous performances while they’re working, they’re no longer youthful boys, not so much as they should be with a career that only seems freeing to the uncaring audience, and being treated like an animal in a zoo by their own family members is the last thing any of them would want. A sense of paradox permeates the whole ordeal; Hyuck wants his family to take him seriously and normally, but having a career like his requires an understanding of its whimsicality from the people in his life who aren’t also his colleagues. But he guesses that’s the uniqueness of his career, the selfishness of it, and the innately immature side of it that requires and requests and demands of people. 

When he’s 20 minutes into thinking about Jaemin’s family and his own family, Hyuck notices he’s calmed down. He tries to move his fingers first, twitching them in Mark’s hold gently. Mark releases some of his grip and waits patiently till Hyuck is able to slump forward and into his arms. Hyuck hugs him tightly and speechlessly for a good minute, then muttering an apology into his jacket. 

“It’s okay, man.” Mark rubs his back comfortingly. “You scared me for a bit, haha.” 

Hyuck’s nose is frozen cold as he sniffles pathetically. “I know it’s cold, you can—you can go home if you want to. No need to worry about me.”

“I can come home with you if you want,” Mark offers.

“It’s gonna be a busy day tomorrow. Get some sleep.” Hyuck smiles. “Sorry, again, for holding you up.”

Mark searches Hyuck’s face. “You sure?” 

“I’ll bring him back home safely, hyung, don’t worry,” Jaemin says lightly, darting his eyes from Mark to Hyuck with a reassuring smile. 

Mark only leaves after a few more minutes of pestering Hyuck to contact him if anything happens, somehow knowing that if he didn’t insist on it, Hyuck wouldn’t even think of bothering Mark. Once Mark is gone, Jaemin drives him back home in silence. He accompanies Hyuck all the way up to his door solemnly, and Hyuck doesn’t have the energy to try to convince him that he doesn’t have to do that. 

Hyuck turns to face Jaemin with his whole body in front of his door, the words he had at the back of his mind fading away into a quiet hum when Jaemin pulls him into a tight hug. Jaemin’s hugs will always be so comfortable, always so safe and warm and loving. His arms wrap around Hyuck’s waist completely, trapping him in with no room for rejection. Jaemin nuzzles his face into Hyuck’s neck, taking a huge whiff of the special blend of smells that make Hyuck so Hyuck, a blend of his perfume and body lotion. 

Jaemin sways them from side to side for the remainder of a minute, whispering things like “It’s not your fault.” and “Don’t say you’re sorry.” before Hyuck could even think of saying them. 

“Thanks, Jaemin,” Hyuck mumbles, face impassive.

“Do you want me to pick you up in the morning and drive you to the company?” Jaemin chooses to ask in place of a proper response. 

“For what reason?” Hyuck’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “I don’t wanna make you get up that early just for me.”

“Then, would you like me to pick you up from the company and drive you home instead?” Jaemin tries again.

“The manager hyung is probably gonna do that anyway. You don’t have to do all that for me, really, truly.” Hyuck tries to create some space between them two to be able to look at Jaemin properly, but the latter refuses to let him do so, petulantly whining under his breath as he buries his face in the curve below Hyuck’s chin. “Minnie, why do you need—why do you want to see me tomorrow?” Jaemin’s breath hits Hyuck’s sensitive skin as he sighs heavily.

Jaemin finally loosens his grip just enough for him to be able to lean back and look Hyuck in the eyes. His gaze trails down to Hyuck’s nose, down to his lips, and then back up to his eyes. Hyuck hates calling Jaemin predatory because that would mean he’s the prey in this situation, but there’s really no other way to describe the shift in the air whenever Jaemin stares him down like how he’s doing now. “Can you do me a favour and let me see you tomorrow? Even if it’s just for half an hour.”

At his honest request, Hyuck stutters as he rushes out to say, “You don’t—you don’t have to ask me like we’re not literally best friends.”

Jaemin pinches the divots in Hyuck’s cheeks with his pointer finger and his thumb, leaning in close till their foreheads touch. “You won’t say yes if I don’t guilt trip you into it.” Jaemin grins teethily. Hyuck would love to argue against that but he knows Jaemin’s right. Arguing with Jaemin when he doesn’t know if it’d be a landslide victory in his favour is literally suicide. Hyuck will never put himself in such a situation willingly. “So, a ride in the morning or at night?” 

Hyuck shushes the butterflies in him to keep mum lest Jaemin finds one of them imprinting into Hyuck’s skin and figures out that even after all they’ve been through this year, Hyuck is still terrified of him in an indescribable way. 

Hyuck concludes it wouldn’t hurt to indulge in Jaemin’s whims. After all, he’s probably just worried after witnessing one of Hyuck’s panic attacks. The first time Mark sat through one of Hyuck’s episodes, he wouldn’t let Hyuck out of his sight. He was full of praise, full of love, so desperate to make him better and functional. It’s easy to lose yourself in a job like theirs, so perhaps Mark didn’t want to be alone, because alone is exactly what he’d be if Hyuck wasn’t in the picture. The first time Jeno sat through one of Hyuck’s panic attacks, he’d been so emotionally equipped, somehow doing a better job than anyone else in Hyuck’s life at calming him down. Jeno smiled his handsome smile and sat across from Hyuck so close their legs were slotting in between each other. Jeno took his hand, started massaging them, started talking about how Doyoung had planned on taking them out to have fun sometime, talked about how his cats fight over the one lovely spot in his home where the Sun shines just right, talked about the language of cats. There were a lot of things he gave Hyuck to think about, a lot of things unrelated to whatever set Hyuck off in the first place, and he’d calmed down so quickly it was truly a wonder. Hyuck was grateful to Jeno, and their friendship solidified even quicker than his friendship with Mark did. 

So, now, considering how it was partially thanks to Jaemin for easing him out of his panic attack, Hyuck thinks it wouldn’t hurt to drop whatever nonchalant, uncaring, I-can-take-care-of-myself act he has and let Jaemin in. “You can drive me home, then.”

          Mark groans like an old man as he sits next to Hyuck on the floor, their backs pressing up against the floor-to-ceiling mirrors as they watch the hyungs sort out the formation for a new choreo during practice. He turns to Hyuck, his eyes a giveaway of what’s about to come. 

“So…” Mark clears his throat. “Jaemin’s picking you up tonight?”

“Yes, Mark,” Hyuck says with a tired drawl.

“You guys are—you’re close. These days. With Jaemin.” 

“Yes, Mark.” 

“How did that happen?” Mark asks.

Confused, Hyuck finally looks back at Mark with a frown. “We’re best friends. We’ve been best friends for almost a decade now. What do you mean?”

“You know…” Mark picks on a stray thread in his sweatpants, kissing his teeth. Hyuck doesn’t, in fact, know. “I thought you guys were frenemies and all that.”

Hyuck snorts. “The frenemy thing is exaggerated for fanservice. You know that.” 

“I don’t think so, Donghyuckie,” Mark refutes. 

“Yes, it is. Jaemin and I were never enemies.” 

“But you were never best friends either,” Mark points out. “It’s like—it’s so sudden.”

“What do you want me to say?” Hyuck sighs. “What do you want me to tell you?”

“When you’re around Jaemin, do you feel anything weird?” Mark’s voice dramatically drops in volume as he leans closer to ask, almost like he’s a journalist trying to scope for the freshest tabloid story. “Like, do you feel tingles, or butterflies, or something? Does he make you feel anything at all?”

Hyuck gasps, perking up in his spot. “You too?”

“No…” Mark trails off. “So, you—you do… feel that way then, with him?” 

“You don’t?” Hyuck frowns, then he slouches back down. “I mean, he’s always nice to you so I guess you have no reason to feel that way towards him.”

“Wait, okay, so—” Mark pauses, holding a hand up to shush Hyuck up who’s trying to cut in. “Okay, so—okay, I may feel the same way towards him but I need you to describe in detail what you feel so I can be sure it’s the same thing I feel. Or not.” 

“Scared,” Hyuck states matter-of-factly, “Terrified. Anytime I’m alone with him, he terrifies me, and I feel these butterflies in me and my hands tingle, it’s—I get nervous, you know? That’s what the body does when you feel nervous. I feel genuinely intimidated by him even when we’re not alone, you know? Like, if he sits next to me during meals or if he’s driving us home and he’s right there, just—just sitting there. Like, what a guy. His presence is just so huge it terrifies me.”

“Uh huh, uh huh,” Mark nods along, face pensive, his lips curving uncontrollably as he tries to hold his laughter back. “Yeah, that’s not what I feel at all.”

“Go ahead. Laugh,” Hyuck says. Mark shakes his head, going as far as burying his face in his hands so Hyuck wouldn't have to watch how much of a struggle it is to keep his composure. “Look, I know it’s pathetic that I’m still a little bit scared of Na Jaemin, and trust me I laugh about it too, so you can laugh.”

“No—” Mark full on cackles.

Hyuck sighs. “Not too much, now.”

“No—I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but you’re so funny and you don’t even know why you’re funny.” Mark has literal tears in his eyes. It takes a while for him to truly settle down, and by then Mark is a pathetic mess, needing to wipe his tears away with his sleeves. When he’s finally ready to continue their conversation, he looks at Hyuck with a smile— that smile. The proud-dad smile. Hyuck doesn’t know what he did that would warrant that smile. “You should bring it up tonight.” Hyuck baulks. “I’m serious. Bring it up tonight and tell Jaemin that his presence alone makes you feel butterflies in your stomach.”

“Jaemin’s gonna laugh at me.” Hyuck pouts.

“He definitely will not laugh at you,” Mark stresses. “On God, he will not laugh at you out of mockery or anything. And you know I don’t play with my vows.”

“It’s true, you don’t.” Hyuck nods in acknowledgement. “But he doesn’t have to know.”

“It’s good for him to know. He can explain to you why you don’t actually feel intimidated.” 

“Why would he try to tell me what I’m actually feeling? Or not feeling, in this case.” Hyuck gives Mark a dirty look.

“Sorry. Did I say that? My bad, I’m a foreigner. I meant he can talk to you out of feeling intimidated.” Mark titters. “Just.” He slaps Hyuck’s bare thigh loudly and painfully, grinning at how Hyuck doubles over, muttering a string of curses under his breath. “Talk to him!”

          Jaemin shoots Hyuck a text saying he’s arrived downstairs about 10 minutes before they end the practice session. The instructor gives them a few things he’s aiming to go over tomorrow before releasing them like he’s the bell and they’re a bunch of overgrown school kids. Hyuck rushes to get his stuff, even putting his jacket on the wrong way around the first time as the hyungs laugh at him.

“Why are you rushing?” Doyoung asks while snickering.

Mark scoffs. “Jaemin’s downstairs waiting for him right now.”

“Ohh,” Doyoung drawls out, “Is it a date?”

“What? No! It’s not a date. Haha, what?” Hyuck sputters, his heart dropping to his ass for some reason. “How can it be a date? Haha. He’s just sending me back home.”

“We’ll see his car on the same roads then on the way home. The manager usually sends the two of you first, remember?”

“No, no, he has errands to run first.” Hyuck doesn’t know why he lied out of reflex, but that’s something he’ll have to figure out later before bed.

Hyuck practically runs out. He catches the lift before the hyungs do and bars them from taking it with him, smiling apologetically at their annoyed faces while the door closes. He then starts running again to the back exit of the building where there’s Jaemin waiting patiently in his car. Hyuck practically crashes into the passenger seat, panting heavily as he faces an alarmed Jaemin. 

“You have errands to run,” is the first thing Hyuck says amidst the thick silence.

“What?” Jaemin croaks out. He clears his throat. “I do?”

“I told hyung you have an errand to run after he said their car could see you driving me back home on the roads. They’re sending Mark off first too. You have errands to run. So they won’t see us. Errands. Jaemin.” Hyuck peels his jacket off and throws it to the back of the car. “Do you have any errands to run?”

“At 2 in the morning? No.” Jaemin snickers incredulously. 

“Ugh,” Hyuck groans, vexed. 

“Maybe.” Jaemin then smiles, searching Hyuck’s dishevelled state with his imploring eyes. “When was the last time you ate today?”

“Me?” Hyuck takes a moment to think. “Last I ate was at 6.” 

“Good.” 

Instead of driving straight to Hyuck’s place, Jaemin stops by the 24-hour mart they went to previously. Hyuck follows him in, thinking Jaemin really needs groceries or something, but then Jaemin turns to him and asks what he wants to eat.

“What do I want to eat? What, are you gonna cook it?” A smile blooms on Hyuck’s face, and Jaemin mirrors his expression adorably. Teasingly, since Hyuck knows Jaemin isn’t a big fan of it, he requests, “Can you make me kimchi fried rice?” 

“Yeah, sure!” Jaemin agrees easily. “Choice of protein?”

“Wait, really?” Hyuck’s eyes double in size. He hangs onto Jaemin’s shoulder, peering up at Jaemin’s face with a glimmer of hope in his eyes. Jaemin nods, grinning and ducking his head down to the shelf before him shyly. If Hyuck didn’t know any better, he would have thought Jaemin looked like a lovesick idiot. “Minnie, you’re the best!” He squeals. “Could we do chicken? I kind of want pork but it’s 2 in the morning…”

Hyuck breaks out into song rather embarrassingly for the rest of the grocery trip, pumped up with too much excited energy. He goes around looking for ice cream and drinks too while Jaemin looks for the onions, still singing under his breath. He comes back and dumps everything he’s gathered into the basket Jaemin has been carrying since the minute they walked through those doors. When Jaemin sings along to a song he recognises the lyrics to, it fuels Hyuck up even more. 

At the counter, Jaemin pays for everything, flirting casually with the male cashier who calls him handsome. Hyuck witnesses the whole exchange with an emotion he recognises as jealousy. He has to tell himself that there’s many people who like him and find him handsome too, and that he gets random people who aren’t even fans of his calling him handsome too. Jaemin laughs at the obvious distaste on Hyuck’s face, teasing him about it as they walk back to the car. 

“Can’t believe that made you jealous.” Jaemin laughs.

“Die,” Hyuck counters back lamely.

The drive back to Hyuck’s place is full of Hyuck singing again. Most of the songs on Jaemin’s driving playlist is Ariana Grande and Taylor Swift and although Hyuck rarely listens to them, he knows the melody to most. He pulls up the lyrics on his phone and belts to their songs the best he can, uncaring if Jaemin thinks he’s being too loud or no. Once they arrive, Jaemin carries all two bags of stuff they bought up to Hyuck’s apartment.

He lets Jaemin in, singsonging a small “Tada!” while toeing his shoes off. Jaemin has only been at his place once when Hyuck first moved in near the start of the year to help with moving the boxes. Since then, it’s changed a lot with how the decor had been a simple minimalistic one and is now evident with the touch of personality. There’s a few picture frames of family and friends along the walls, and Jaemin stops to survey one of them of Hyuck and the DREAM members. There’s him at one end of the group, staring at the camera with a corporate smile. 

“I’m probably gonna replace it with a newer one,” Hyuck comments when he notices where Jaemin’s staring.

“Don’t, it’s cute,” Jaemin murmurs. “Isn’t it?”

“It is, but we were so young.” Hyuck grimaces.

“Exactly.” Jaemin beams, radiating such warmth from just the expression on his face. 

Hyuck lingers for a bit, not sure what this sudden gnawing on his heart means as he watches Jaemin. He blinks cluelessly for a second, before he laughs it off and disappears into the kitchen. Jaemin trails after him, setting up the counter quickly to chop the ingredients up. He puts a pink apron on, the same one Hyuck’s mom uses when she comes over to cook for him (she left her apron there because Hyuck didn’t have an apron in his house, and didn’t plan on buying one too), and does his work efficiently and neatly. Hyuck plays some music, his music this time, and sings to it.

Hyuck perches up on the counter, next to the sink, and he watches Jaemin move about like he’s a character in a reality TV show. Jaemin pushes Hyuck’s thighs further from the chopping board (it’s right next to him) when he brings out the knife but otherwise he sticks as close as possible, focused and handsome all while his hair falls over his eyes distractingly. Seeing that, Hyuck combs his fingers through Jaemin’s silky hair, squeaking out a soft sound of delight upon feeling it on his fingers. Jaemin’s ears are red, probably from the warmth in the kitchen (Hyuck tends to run the heaters high in his house except for the bedroom), so Hyuck presses his cold fingers to the ear facing him. 

“Why are your fingers so cold?” Jaemin breaks the silence.

“Why are your ears so warm?” Hyuck shoots back. It’s meant to be a light jab, playful and jestful, but Jaemin doesn’t entertain it, only coughing dismissively. It’s an odd response, but Jaemin’s an odd person so Hyuck doesn’t think much of it. “You’re so handsome,” Hyuck says in awe, going back to running his fingers through Jaemin’s hair, “You’re so—what do they call it? Boyfriend material.”

“I’m boyfriend material?” Jaemin angles his face up, resting the knife on the board so he could pay full attention to what Hyuck has to say again.

“You want me to repeat it?” Hyuck raises a brow. “Fishing for compliments much?”

Jaemin giggles. “But do you really think I’d be a good boyfriend?” 

“Yes!” Hyuck gladly goes along with Jaemin’s need to get his ego stroked, his hands busy playing with Jaemin’s hair still as he speaks, “You’ll cook for your lover, drive them around, cheer them up when they’re sad, talk them out of self-sabotaging. You’re attentive, loving, handsome. You’re clean, you’re strong, and you’re safe, you know? You’re just perfect as a boyfriend.”

“You’re just… describing how I treat… you.” Jaemin grips the edge of the counter, knuckles turning white, and he maintains one of the most intense sessions of eye contact Hyuck has ever had with Jaemin. He feels trapped, like he can’t break it off if he doesn’t want dire consequences to befall him. “Do you want me to be your boyfriend?”

“What?” Hyuck blushes red, from the base of his neck to the roots of his hair, he flushes red. Butterflies.

He freezes in place, the song in the background coincidentally singing out such intimate lyrics; “Don’t you know now is the perfect time? We can dim the lights, just to make it right.” And Hyuck, for the first time ever, wishes Michael Jackson would shut the hell up. He doesn’t know if he should retract his hand that’s still tangled in Jaemin’s hair or pretend like he’s got this handled because he’s a nonchalant guy who can take a joke well, but with the dim lighting (again, shut up, M.J.) casting a perfectly beautiful shadow on Jaemin’s face, unobscured by his hair, Hyuck finds himself wanting to stare a little longer. 

“Jokes,” Jaemin breathes out, chuckling airily. He goes back to cooking mutely. Hyuck blinks his stupor away, gathering his hands back so they’d rest safe and snug in his lap. Before he stupidly allows his hands to stray away to places where he’d end up losing full reign of them, Hyuck tucks his hands under his thighs safely. “Pass me that, please.” Jaemin points to the salt next to the sink. 

While passing him the salt, Hyuck hums pensively, and then he says, “You don’t have to worry about me, you know?”

“Debatable.” Jaemin snorts. “I worry about you all the time.”

“All the time?”

“All the time,” Jaemin doubles down. 

Hyuck keeps mum, watching in fascination as Jaemin fires up the stove and throws in the chopped kimchi first. He’s skillful in his actions, like he’s done this a million times. The whole group knows Jaemin can cook excellently, and although Hyuck himself could make a mean ramen and could cook simple enough dishes, Jaemin’s actually skilled. In a way, his cooking and how his proficiency improves over time is a testament of his love. The only reason he started cooking was for his friends, and now he only cooks whenever his friends ask for him to.

Jaemin bought the pre-cooked portioned rice bowls (only because Hyuck hadn’t restocked his rice, which was a scandalous surprise to Jaemin who claims they should stick closely to their Asian roots) so the actual frying doesn’t take a long time. He divides the portions of the fried rice equally into two bowls and leans against the sink across from where Hyuck sits with his food. They eat wordlessly, the only sounds they can hear are from Hyuck squealing at every bite he takes. Jaemin’s eyes and smile are filled with pride, practically firing laser beams shaped in hearts at Hyuck who’s swinging his dangling legs giddily. 

“Happy?” Jaemin beckons for the bowl from Hyuck once they’re both finished with their food. Hyuck gives it to him.

“Very happy,” Hyuck says with a nod. 

“Good.” Jaemin washes the dishes quickly, not even thinking about asking Hyuck to do them instead. It’s just as Hyuck said; Jaemin does things with his whole heart. He wanted to come over and cheer Hyuck up, and he doesn’t half-ass it at all. 

Hyuck stares down at his socked feet, wriggling them around in idle. “Mark said you wouldn’t laugh at me if I told you this so you have to promise not to laugh…”

“I won’t laugh. What is it?” The sound of the sponge and the soap and the water scratches somewhere deep in Hyuck’s brain pleasingly, making him feel like he’s finally satisfied with trying to reach that itch sitting deep in his ear. His mom said he might need to go to the doctors to check for an ear infection, but the remedy might just be Jaemin doing his dishes for him. At his hesitant silence, Jaemin prompts him, “Hyuckie?”

“I—you… um.” Hyuck shrinks into himself, staring at Jaemin’s broad back with a sheepish smile. The apron is discarded somewhere so he’s only looking at the back of a black compression tee. “Sometimes when I’m alone with you, or even when I’m not alone with you—when you’re driving me home or when we’re just spending time together, your presence gives me butterflies in my stomach.” The water sounds stop abruptly. “You give me tingles all over, you know? My hands tingle, butterflies swoop around in my stomach. You make me feel these things.”

Jaemin drops the sponge and the bowl right back into the sink with a clatter, rinsing the soap on his hand away and wiping them dry with a kitchen towel. He turns around and folds his arms on his chest, silently waiting for Hyuck to continue with a ghost of a smile dancing on his lips. When Hyuck doesn’t say anything else, Jaemin asks him, “Are you telling the truth?”

“Why would I lie?” Hyuck jumps on the defensive, clearly affronted. 

“The feeling is mutual,” Jaemin says.

Hyuck’s eyes widen, his mind reeling for the possible reasons why he thinks Jaemin would feel the same way. “Really?”

Jaemin nods once, sedately. “Yeah. Everything you just said, you make me feel things like that too. It’s been going on for quite a few years, I’m not sure how you haven’t noticed.” Jaemin chuckles nervously.

Hyuck breathes out a sigh of relief, grinning wide. “It’s been going on for the entire time we’ve known each other for me. Your presence is just so…” Hyuck trails off.

“So what?” Jaemin starts stepping closer to Hyuck, invading his personal bubble in a quick breath as Jaemin makes space for himself in between Hyuck’s legs. He tips his head up, leaning so close they’re about an inch away from kissing. Hyuck doesn’t lean back, less of not having enough room to do so and more of not wanting to lose this psychological warfare Jaemin has initiated once again. This must be one of his ways to intimidate Hyuck. “You’re so pretty like this.” Then, Jaemin kisses him, lips to lips for a second, before he’s trying to gently ease his tongue in.

Okay, odd intimidation tactic. 

Really odd intimidation tactic.

Hyuck parts his lips, wanting to ask what the fuck’s going on, but Jaemin dives in at that chance, his hands sliding up from Hyuck’s knees up to his bare thighs, his fingers digging under the hem of the fabric and quickly palming their way even further up. Hyuck moans when Jaemin squeezes his thighs, and instantly shame fills him. He’s enjoying this. He’s not putting in much effort to stop it. He doesn’t want to stop it. This is confusing. Hyuck rests his hands on Jaemin’s shoulders, his fingers gripping the fabric tight.

“Jaemin—” Hyuck tries to sound normal, but it sounds like he’s moaning Jaemin’s name out loud. It’s embarrassing. Jaemin peppers loud smooches along his jaw, down his neck, and along whatever exposed part of Hyuck’s shoulders he can get to. Hyuck’s face burns bright red again, one out of many times today, and he blinks wispily at Jaemin’s dark eyes after nudging him away by the shoulders. “Jaemin, pause.”

“Hm?” Jaemin sounds absolutely destroyed, and all because he kissed Hyuck for a grand total of three minutes. “What is it, baby?”

Pet name aside (Hyuck felt his dick twitch hearing that), Hyuck’s still confused why telling Jaemin he felt butterflies in his stomach and tingles in his hands because Jaemin intimidates him would warrant this sort of reaction. There’s a clear disconnect that Hyuck is so desperately trying to reconnect. “Jaemin, this is wrong—you don’t understand, I—” 

“Ssh, ssh, ssh,” Jaemin shushes him tenderly. He brings a hand up to cup the side of Hyuck’s face, smiling fondly. Jaemin swallows thickly around empty air, his pupils blown wide as he says, “I’m your moral compass, am I not? It’s okay. It’s okay, baby.”

Hyuck seeps a deep breath in through gritted teeth, the words he’s hearing from Jaemin sounding too much like a solemn oath. There’s that sentence again: “It’s okay.” It has never been okay. Seeing Jaemin clearly participating in queer activities induced panic attacks in Hyuck, and for many many years, he thought it wasn’t okay. How could something so terrifying be okay? But here, as he stares at Jaemin’s confident smile, Hyuck questions his beliefs for the first time in his entire life. 

“I’m scared. Of you.” Hyuck gulps. 

“Why, baby bear?” Jaemin’s sickly sweet pet name is killing Hyuck. 

“When I said butterflies in my stomach, I felt it out of nervousness. I felt it out of intimidation. I’m intimidated by you. I’m scared of you, Jaemin. That’s what I meant.” Hyuck searches for a reaction on Jaemin’s face, expecting his expression to drop in disappointment or another facial reaction of the same nature, really, but Jaemin’s grin widens instead. For the last time ever, he definitely has too many teeth. Jaemin’s canines glint in the light, and there go the butterflies again in his stomach. Hyuck’s voice falls into a whisper as he mumbles, “I feel it now too.”

“You may feel butterflies in your stomach from nervousness or fear, yes, but when you feel it all the time for one person for many years—baby, Hyuckie, that’s not just fear anymore.” Jaemin takes one of Hyuck’s hands, kissing the back of it gingerly. A butterfly’s kiss. “You’re so adorable.” 

“E-Elaborate.” Hyuck fights the urge to smile when Jaemin kisses his other hand. 

“You’ve always been so naive of your own feelings. You think you know, but you keep your emotions to the side and then you explain it away for what it isn’t. How could I possibly scare you right now if I’m at your mercy? You could tell me to leave and I would leave, you could tell me to stop talking to you once and for all and I would do it, but you cannot tell me you don’t like me.” Jaemin presses a quick unassuming chaste kiss to Hyuck’s lips, mystifying him even more than he already is. “Romantically.”

“But I—when I saw you and Jeno, I had an episode. That time you drove us all back on Chenle’s birthday—that episode was after I saw you and Jeno whispering together.” Hyuck gnaws on his bottom lip, that action garnering Jaemin’s utmost attention for a split second. He ogles them, eyes darkening once more. Jaemin leans in to kiss him again, one of his hands going up to loosely wrap around the side of Hyuck’s jaw and neck, his thumb reaching out to caress Hyuck’s Adam’s apple. 

The wet sounds of them kissing embarrasses Hyuck. He lets himself be kissed slowly and sensually, dancing to Jaemin's rhythm for a bit before he breaks away, frowning. Jaemin’s eyes dart from Hyuck’s lips up to Hyuck’s eyes, breathing heavily. “Is this triggering an episode?”

“No,” Hyuck whispers. 

“Did Renjun coming out to you trigger an episode?” Hyuck shakes his head. Jaemin sighs. “Ever thought that maybe you’re not internally homophobic and simply troubled about your own long-lasting gay crush? Ever thought that maybe you were actually worried about your own queer feelings?”

“I think I would know the reason behind my panic attacks.” Hyuck frowns. 

“Really? Because you didn’t know intimidation was not the reason you feel butterflies in you whenever you’re in the presence of one person for almost a decade.” 

Jaemin cups Hyuck’s jaw, his pointer finger and thumb digging just a tad on each side of Hyuck’s cheeks. Jaemin kisses him again, licking along the jags of Hyuck’s teeth, exploring more of Hyuck’s mouth like he’s a starved man and Hyuck is a piece of steak. Jaemin sucks on his tongue lightly, having bitten on it just before and eliciting another moan from Hyuck. 

“Jaemin—” Hyuck whimpers out, his right hand wrapping loosely around Jaemin’s neck. He tightens his grip, only to wordlessly tell Jaemin to pause, but it causes Jaemin to groan, clearly enjoying Hyuck’s hands on him. 

“Okay, I admit I’ve been really bad at reading my own emotions. You’re right. You’re right about everything.” Hyuck squeezes Jaemin’s neck to warn him not to kiss him, already seeing the way Jaemin wanted to dive right back in again. Jaemin smiles cockily. “I like you. It didn’t take much convincing because you’re right—and God knows how much convincing you would need if I really felt a different way, it’s me after all, but what about—what about Jeno? You and Jeno?”

“Oh, I’d kill for him,” Jaemin says simply, “but we’re nothing. We were quite handsy during the tour because, well, we both needed some kind of relief. But he and I aren’t dating. He’s above everyone else, though, because that’s my best bud, but it’s kinda like you and Mark. I wouldn’t ask you to pick between Mark and me.”

“I’d pick Mark,” Hyuck easily picks even if he didn’t have to.

“And I’d pick Jeno.” 

“But I don’t like Mark,” Hyuck quickly reasons.

“Neither do I like Jeno.”

“I don’t mind if you do. I don’t mind if you and Jeno have something romantic you can’t let go of, just tell me right now and make it clear to me because accepting that I’m a repressed queer is already a lot to handle, so a messy romantic thing with you isn’t what I want. If we’re gonna do this, we’re gonna be easy on each other’s mental health. As easy as possible. It’s like our first day on the job and having to perform on hoverboards all over again, I don’t want that.” 

Hyuck doesn’t realise that the longer Jaemin stares at him, obviously lost in thought, the longer his expression falters and a sad pout gradually forms on his lips. Jaemin loves Hyuck, loves his little quirks and his voice and the way he portrays himself and the soft part of him that not just anybody gets to see. Hyuck’s self is like steak cooked by the worst licensed chef in the entire world, and he’s been ordered to be cooked to rare, because he’s still so bloody in the middle, so red and raw but ready to be eaten, palatable enough for those impatient and starved of his presence. But to those that want him more than the baseline of palatable, to those who care that he should be cooked to perfection, they’ll soon come to realise that what Hyuck needs isn’t seasonings to cover that metallic taste of blood, it’s to throw him back onto the fire. Quick and simple. Do your research, know him better, and know what he needs, cook him to medium rare, to perfection.

Right now, what he needs isn’t for Jaemin to talk about his platonic feelings for Jeno, it’s to say, “I like you,” enunciated clearly for all to hear. “Hyuck, I like you.”

Hyuck takes a deep breath in, holding it in for as long as he could while he gawks at Jaemin’s sincere eyes. “I like you too.”

Jaemin nods a couple of times, can’t help chuckling in relief. “And let’s not act like we didn’t kill those hoverboard performances. We tore those stages up.” 

Hyuck bursts out into giggles, pulling Jaemin close as he rests his head on Jaemin’s shoulder. “You’re right.” Jaemin embraces him, arms wrapping tight around Hyuck’s waist as he presses a long kiss to the side of Hyuck’s neck. “Thanks, Minnie.”

“Can we go back to kissing?” 

“Scum.” Hyuck scoffs.

“Jokes.” Jaemin laughs, but he leans up to kiss Hyuck anyway, although briefly. “I really like you, baby. I really, really like you, Hyuck.”

Hyuck hums in acknowledgement, his legs caging Jaemin in, so this time he could initiate the kiss. It gets too late too soon and Jaemin has to leave. Hyuck doesn’t persuade him to stay, not wanting to seem too clingy when they’ve just established their mutual feelings, but he does watch Jaemin go with an extremely noticeable reluctance. Jaemin laughs at him, pressing a sweet peck to his cheek as a goodbye before he’s gone. 

Hyuck goes to sleep soon after when exhaustion hits him at full force, not having enough time to pick apart the day he’s had so far. For the second time now, courtesy of Jaemin, Hyuck’s mind is empty and quiet the rest of the night. 

          The next morning, Hyuck gets into the car, squeezes in next to Mark and shooing Taeyong away as respectfully as possible to start slapping Mark as hard as he can. He’s only met with gleeful laughter, somehow feeling even more dissatisfied than before now that he’s looking at Mark still fine and dandy on this cold morning. 

“Hyung, you’re so annoying—you’re such an asshole!” Hyuck curls into himself, forming into a ball. 

“Did the talk go well?” Mark asks in between chuckles. He kneads the back of Hyuck’s neck lovingly, his cheeks hurting from how hard he smiles. “Jaemin sent me a sticker of a cat prostrating on the floor, so I assume it went well.”

“It went well,” Hyuck mumbles, “We kissed a lot.”

“Just kissed?” Mark’s eyebrows shoot up to the heavens. “With how Jaemin is about you, I thought he would have quite literally eaten you up the first chance he gets. I fully expected you to come downstairs this morning limping and everything.” 

“Hyung,” Hyuck whines. 

“Okay, fine, fine, I’m sorry, but you really wouldn’t have listened to me if I said ‘Donghyuck, you like Jaemin, you dumb idiot’ because you would have scratched my face off like a frightened cat. And you wouldn’t talk to him if I said that.” Mark startles when Hyuck suddenly straightens up. “Plus, see? It worked out!” 

“Why would you assume I would be the one limping?” Hyuck cocks one brow up. Butterflies erupt from within him when he thinks about him and Jaemin having sex, but he puts it to the back of his mind. It’s not time for that. “You’re so mean, you know?”

First Mark sends Hyuck away to poke into the mouth of a hungry tiger, and now Mark thinks Hyuck would let himself get manhandled like a damsel in distress. He doesn’t know if he’s supposed to be angered or if he should take on an uncaring facade to pretend like he’s above all that. 

“I don’t think there’s, like, one position for each—Jaemin has vivid fantasies, you know? Really disgusting ones too. It’s impossible to act out those fantasies if he doesn’t bottom.” 

“Oh,” Hyuck squeaks out. “Mark, can I confess something?”

“What?”

“I’m a virgin. As a top and a bottom.” 

“Goodness gracious.” Mark gasps in mock surprise, then he deadpans, “Everyone gets a first time, get over it.”

Hyuck swats Mark’s arm. “Have some sympathy!”

Mark giggles. “It’s okay.” He pats the top of Hyuck’s hair despite Hyuck trying to wriggle out of his reach like a frazzled cat. “You’ll be okay.”

          The next time Hyuck sees Jaemin is in a practice room. Prior to actually entering the room, Hyuck had to stop by the lift and take a breather. Jaemin and him did talk over the phone and on text, but it’s mostly normal chats with flirty innuendos here and there that would make Hyuck jump out of his skin. It’s odd, really, because Hyuck likes to chase after people, and he wouldn’t normally pay much attention to a case like Jaemin (hopelessly in love with Hyuck without so much of a challenge present), but Hyuck finds that even when Jaemin is well within reach, he can’t quite get a hold of him. Intriguing is the right word Hyuck is looking for. 

“Nervous about your boyfriend?” Mark asks, snickering.

“Shut up,” Hyuck quips back. It’s lame but he doesn’t have time to be witty right now.

Mark saunters past him and walks into the practice room with a huge grin, greeting the other boys who have already arrived a couple of minutes ago. Hyuck breathes steadily through his nose, preparing himself for Jaemin’s actual physical presence. Before he could head in, however, Jaemin comes out, looking perplexed.

“Baby?” Jaemin softly calls out. “You okay?”

“Jaemin…” Hyuck gulps. “Hi.”

“Hi!” Jaemin beams, practically blinding Hyuck with how brightly he’s glowing with love. He swoops down to catch Hyuck’s lips in a short kiss. Whispering against his lips, Jaemin says again, “Hi.”

“What if people see us—” 

“You wanna do this where no one can see us? How about coming to my place tonight?” Jaemin kisses Hyuck again tenderly, ignoring Hyuck’s incoming worried complaints with a smile. 

Hyuck swats his chest. “Scum.”

Jaemin throws his head back to let out a cackle with all his might. He grabs Hyuck’s hand that’s on his chest and brings it up to his lips to kiss the knuckles. “But seriously, you free tonight?”

“Yes…?” Hyuck says unsurely. “Depends on what you wanna do to me tonight.”

“Depends on what I wanna do to you?” Jaemin’s eyes darken. “Crazy way to phrase a question.”

“I meant—”

“I know what you meant,” Jaemin appeases him easily, breaking character immediately. “I was thinking of having a nice long talk with you about us. And also offer you another meal.”

“Another meal?” Hyuck perks up.

“Is this relationship gonna be full of me feeding you?” Jaemin sighs.

Hyuck sputters. “Relationship?” 

“What? Am I spooking you?” Jaemin taunts him. “Scared of a little commitment, huh, you tiny thing?”

Hyuck gasps in horror. “Tiny?!” He screeches. 

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” Jaemin says in between giggles. He pulls Hyuck in for another kiss, praying no one would walk out of that door and disturb them. Just a minute more. He can't seem to keep himself away for long when Hyuck is so close, so reachable, so cute, so pretty, so just a minute more, please. “Come back home with me tonight, hm?” Jaemin tucks the stray strands of hair framing Hyuck’s face to the back of his ear, secretly taking delight in how gorgeous Hyuck looks with long hair. 

“Okay.” Hyuck agrees, finally. “Let’s get back to work now.”

          “Isn’t it odd that you guys have been acting like a married couple too?” Chenle asks from the backseat. Him and Mark ended up hitching a ride with Jaemin and Hyuck since the manager had somewhere to run. “Jaemin and Haechan hyung, Mark and Renjun hyung, Mark and Jeno hyung—”

“Wait a minute, why am I in there twice?” Mark cuts in.

“If you had let me finish, I would have said everyone’s name three or four times at least.” 

“How would that work?” Hyuck snorts. 

“It’s 7DREAM. We’re all a little in love with each other, man.” Chenle speaks the truth, but Hyuck will never agree with it openly in fear of it getting to Chenle’s ego.

“Jaemin and I are really together, though,” Hyuck says.

“Great joke!” Chenle sarcastically shoots back. Jaemin clears his throat loudly, catching everyone’s attention. He looks Chenle in the eye through the rearview mirror, winking sleazily. “Oh, my God. Is it true?” He seeks Mark’s confirmation, which is ironic since Mark isn’t even a part of their relationship.

“It’s true.” Mark nods calmly. “I had to give Donghyuck sex advice a few days ago.”

“Omo,” Chenle mouths in scandalous shock. Then, he breezes past it like Hyuck really is a lost cause who direly needed such advice. “Hyung is a virgin, after all.”

“Guys!” Hyuck whines. 

The rest of the ride is filled with embarrassing teasing and hyena-like laughter that drives Hyuck crazy. He wanted to climb to the back and strangle the two multiple times, but Jaemin’s grounding hand on his thigh led to enough nervousness to tame him down. After dropping Mark off, Jaemin then drives back to his place without a single word said. 

When Hyuck enters Jaemin’s apartment, he runs into Jaemin’s room immediately, stepping over the stray cat toys laying everywhere. As a rule of thumb, Jaemin bars the cats from coming into his room so that the members who were allergic to cats (Renjun, Jeno, Hyuck) could seek refuge in his bedroom. Jaemin takes time to greet his cats, baby-talking in a high-pitched tone as the cats run around his feet. He picks one up and stands by the door where Hyuck’s staring out with a polite smile.

“Hi, kitty,” Hyuck says with a wave. 

“Hi, Haechan!” Jaemin takes the cat’s paw and uses it to wave right back. He then tosses the cat to the couch (it made Hyuck’s heart drop until he remembered cats can land on their feet). “Anyway, you can stay here. I’ll cook up your meal and bring it to you.”

“Will you be long?” Hyuck pouts. “What if I fall asleep?” 

“You can take a nap if you want to. Just… put on new clothes before you lay on my bed. My home clothes are in the drawers.” Jaemin’s voice fades away as he starts walking away even before he’s finished his sentence.

Hyuck searches through Jaemin’s drawer for a decent pair of sweats and a shirt for him to wear. He knows he’ll be sleeping here tonight, and truly it’s not his first sleepover or anything, especially not with Jaemin (Hyuck considers trainee sleeping arrangements as sleepovers), but there’s a nagging feeling somewhere at the back of his mind prompting him to be nervous. It’s a good type of nervousness, since he knows he’s safe from embarrassment. It’s Jaemin, for God’s sake, no one is more embarrassing than Jaemin. 

Hyuck really does take a nap, too drained from the busy schedule he’s had today. He’s been up on his two feet since 7 in the morning, and it’s not like he isn’t used to such schedules lined up for him—it’s like getting slapped by Mark when he’s laughing his ass off, Hyuck’s used to it but it still hurts like a bitch every time. When he comes to, it’s when Jaemin’s entering the room with a tray of food. 

“What did you make?” Hyuck asks sleepily.

“Noodles. I was feeling it.” Jaemin sets it down on a tiny table-slash-tool he keeps under his desk, beckoning Hyuck to sit on the floor so they could eat together.

It’s a nice domestically intimate moment that turns Hyuck’s whole being inside out when Jaemin finally slides the food to the side after they’re done, to some spot where they can’t possibly knock it over, and kisses him till he’s out of breath. Hyuck giggles when Jaemin’s cold fingers make contact with his bare waist, so utterly sensitive to colder temperatures. 

“You taste like noodles,” Hyuck points out. 

“You taste like cola.” Jaemin grimaces. 

“At least I’m sweet.” Hyuck nips on Jaemin’s lower lip just for the hell of it, just because he can, just because he wants to. 

“Hey, I’m not sure if this is the right time to ask, but are you really a virgin?” 

Hyuck groans. He leans back, straightening up in his spot as the mood shifts from loving and sensual to downright awful. “You killed my mood.”

“Might as well. I had to talk to you about us anyway.” Jaemin grins toothily.

“What about us?” Hyuck’s eyes get shifty. He pushes himself up to sit back on the bed, scooting back so he’d lean on the headboard. 

Jaemin joins him on the bed, sitting cross-legged in the middle by Hyuck’s foot. “I’d like to be able to tell the members that you’re my boyfriend and that I’m your boyfriend.” 

“I would like that too.” Hyuck ducks his head down, fighting off a smile. “We already told each other, right, that we like each other? I think there’s nothing more to say on my part. I’m still so intimidated by you sometimes but I think it’s more about the idea of you, your presence. You, as a person, I like you so much.”

“We’re boyfriends then. Easy. Settled.” Butterflies fight to push up Hyuck’s throat. “So well-spoken,” Jaemin mumbles, “You’re so attractive.”

“I know, right?” Hyuck wiggles his eyebrows at Jaemin suggestively. “Am I attractive enough for you to come here and kiss me?”

“I’ll kiss you if you answer my question.”

“What question?” Hyuck blinks dazedly, unassuming of what Jaemin might ask him. 

“Are you really a virgin?” 

“Yes, I am. So what?” Hyuck grumbles. 

“How? I thought you lost it a long time ago with that girl you had a talking stage with.” 

“I mean… we’ve done stuff, I’ve done stuff, just not the main stuff people rave about.” Hyuck shrugs. “It’s not a big deal.”

“It isn’t, normally, but I thought you—well, never mind.” Jaemin flinches when Hyuck reaches to swat his arm. “W-What?”

“Finish your sentence!” Hyuck clicks his tongue in irritation. 

“I thought you were the type to, you know, want to lose your virginity as soon as possible.”

“I was about to but I realised I didn’t like her as much as I thought I did.” Hyuck makes grabby hands towards Jaemin, wordlessly asking for him to come closer. Jaemin complies easily, only because he has the softest spot for Hyuck. “I don’t do casual hookups. I don’t do casual stuff. If I don’t like them, I won’t do anything with them. Sex with me has to be filled with romance and emotions and all those flowery stuff, because I can’t do it otherwise.”

Even with how well Jaemin knows him, Hyuck can almost guarantee with his soul on the line that not a single person would know how he feels about sex. He’s not someone who speaks on it regularly, not someone who would laugh the loudest at sleazy dick jokes or subtle sexual jokes, and he’s definitely not someone who could treat sex the way Jaemin or Jeno or even Mark would. When he seeks intimacy, he needs it in the purest form possible. Hyuck isn’t against kinky plays or whatever the fuck else Jaemin would want to try, but as long as it’s with Jaemin, the one he likes, it’s fine.

Jaemin’s beautiful brown eyes with his beautifully long lashes is only for Hyuck to survey, only for him to see this up close from now on. Jaemin is his from now on. As long as Hyuck can wake up every morning knowing there’s someone to call him his in the most rawest sense, as long as he could go to sleep at night knowing only he could have Jaemin in any way he desires whether it be romantically or sexually or domestically or even platonically, as long as that is still the case, Hyuck is sated. 

“Is now a good time to kiss you?” Jaemin shyly asks, suddenly feeling self conscious after that monologue from Hyuck. Somehow, the way he views Hyuck has shifted just the slightest. Somehow, by some magical force, he seems to feel even deeper for Hyuck now. 

“Idiot, I asked you to kiss me before all this.” Hyuck titters. He snakes a hand up Jaemin’s chest, letting his fingers curl loosely around Jaemin’s neck, pulling the latter close to smash their lips together.

Hyuck slides further down the bed to situate his head snugly on a pillow, pulling Jaemin along with the motion so he’d hover above. Again, like before, Jaemin slithers his fingers under his shirt that Hyuck is wearing to softly knead the flesh of Hyuck’s waist. They kiss till Jaemin’s out of breath, till Jaemin has to break away with a pant. Hyuck laughs, his thumbs caressing Jaemin’s cheekbones lovingly while he traces Jaemin’s features with his eyes. 

“How are you so pretty?” Jaemin murmurs, somehow sounding angry(?). “Fuck, baby, you’re so gorgeous.”

“I was about to say just how handsome you are.” Hyuck pecks the tip of Jaemin’s nose. His hands roam down Jaemin’s front, also shoving his hand under the fabric to feel along the ridges of Jaemin’s abs, stopping right where his sweatpants start. “It’s insane. I wanna reward you just for looking like that.”

“Oh? My baby’s making moves on me?” Jaemin raises his eyebrows, tittering when Hyuck does the same to feign surprise, acting like it wasn’t him who said it. 

“I’m too tired to do anything, um, intense tonight—or anytime soon actually.” Hyuck grins sheepishly. “So don’t get your hopes up too soon.” 

“It’s—hm…” Jaemin kisses Hyuck, soft and short. “Hm…” He kisses him again. “Hm. It’s okay.” Jaemin’s huge hands slide further up Hyuck’s torso, teasing one of Hyuck’s nipple by pure chance, not intending to do so, but the way Hyuck squeaks in surprise is extremely satisfying. “I’ve always wondered if you’d be sensitive.” 

“You guys know I’m sensitive there. It’s why Jeno won’t stop pinching them till it hurts.” Hyuck pouts.

“Aw, poor baby,” Jaemin mimics his expression teasingly. Again, just to get a rise out of Hyuck, Jaemin says, “Sensitive here?” as he swipes his thumb over Hyuck’s nipple again.

“Ngh,” Hyuck whines, wriggling in place. 

Jaemin’s too much of a brazen guy not to satisfy his curiosity immediately as it pops up in his brain so he decides to bunch Hyuck’s shirt up till most of his torso is exposed, ducking his head down to press his tongue flat on Hyuck’s right nipple. At the little squeak of pleasure that comes from Hyuck, Jaemin does it again, rolling the nub along the jags of his front teeth lightly. He toys with Hyuck’s nipples with eagerness Hyuck has never seen in him. He’s never been this eager on stage too. Maybe Hyuck can be his newfound motivation. Hyuck tangles his fingers in the back of Jaemin’s hair, tugging on his hair every once in a while when Jaemin bites a little too hard or squeezes his waist a little too tight. Hyuck tries his best to hold in his little sounds, but he can’t help it when he’s been touch-deprived for too long. 

“My baby.” Jaemin leaves Hyuck’s nipple alone when he’s played with them till they’re stiff and raw, happy that he’s gotten so many reactions out of Hyuck just from this. “You’re my boyfriend. You’re mine. Mine, hm?” He noses along Hyuck’s neck, leaving airy kisses all over as Hyuck squirms from ticklishness, trying to nod a yes to his question. “You’re so… You’re my pretty baby, right?”

 “Yeah,” Hyuck breathes out, humming appreciatively when Jaemin leaves a sweet smooch on his forehead. 

Jaemin shifts on the bed, caging Hyuck’s legs in between his. “Up.” He slides Hyuck’s sweatpants off, almost dying at the sight of Hyuck’s thighs. Jaemin groans, moving his hands to knead the golden expanse of flesh rather aggressively. Hyuck seeps a deep breath in through gritted teeth when Jaemin’s fingers brush up against his cock. “You’re hard.”

“Thanks for noticing,” Hyuck sarcastically comments. Jaemin leans down to bite the side of Hyuck’s ribs. “Ow—okay, sorry, boyfriend, I’m sorry!” Hyuck has to tug Jaemin away by the hair, screeching in between disbelieving laughter as Jaemin tries to bite him again. 

For some reason, Hyuck doesn’t soften up any, still heavily aroused as Jaemin finally wraps his fingers around Hyuck’s cock, stroking along the length painfully slow and dry. Jaemin spreads the precum beading at the tip along the length, improving the slide down and up and down. They’re back to kissing, whispering sweet nothings into each other’s lips as Jaemin imbues some technique on the movements of his hand, tightening his grip just a tad and twisting his hand just right till he has Hyuck whimpering into his neck, breathing out pretty sounds. 

“Just a sec’.” Jaemin pauses for a moment, shimmying out of his sweatpants with a lot more trouble than expected, making Hyuck laugh at the way he stumbles on his knees. “Sorry,” Jaemin apologises for the delay.

“Cute.” Hyuck pecks his cheek. He looks down, eyes zeroing in immediately on his target that hangs fully hard in between them. “Hmm… Bigger than I thought.” 

“D-Don’t—uh!” Jaemin chokes on a syllable when Hyuck reaches to grip his cock in his hand. “Hyuckie—”

“I like it,” Hyuck comments, “It’s not that different from mine.”

Jaemin can’t help letting out an incredulous laugh. “Are you a scientist in a lab or something? Stop making impersonal observations.”

“How is it impersonal if I say I like it?” Hyuck shoots back, sincerely asking. 

“You’re so fucking adorable. I want to eat you.” Jaemin almost gets to bite him again if not for Hyuck quickly and aggressively tugging on his hair again to force him away. “One day, I’ll get to eat you.”

“You can one day. I’ll turn around and let you eat me from the back,” Hyuck means it as a joke. He’s sure they’ll try that one day, but he’s mostly joking now, not really putting any weight in his words. But the way Jaemin’s eyes light up at the prospect of eating him out almost startles him. “Maybe tomorrow night. Who knows?” Hyuck decides to tease him.

Jaemin doesn’t say anything in response, mind too busy to think of anything, really. He leans down, aligning their bodies together so their cocks would press together. Hyuck groans, taking the initiative to kiss Jaemin as their hands get to moving, touching themselves a little clumsily. It’s more of touching however they could, with Jaemin doing most of the work as his huge hand envelops both their cocks. Hyuck’s just there for moral support, really, but he tries still, hands meeting Jaemin’s along the way more often than not. It’s clumsy, but it’s about the intimacy, about the idea of jerking off together that does it for Hyuck. The pleasure ramps up when Jaemin leans down to toy with Hyuck’s nipples again with his mouth, humming appreciatively when Hyuck’s grip tightens on their dicks. 

“Jaemin—” Hyuck chokes on a gasp.

“I know, baby, me too,” Jaemin rasps out, sounding wrecked as he pants noisily, moaning softly every now and then.

Hyuck kisses him messily, nibbling on Jaemin’s lower lip as the latter’s hand quickens. “Jaemin—ahh!” Hyuck clenches his eyes close, throwing his head back as he comes, moaning with every downstroke of Jaemin’s hand on his cock, voice pitched high. His cum spurts on his torso, staining a part of Jaemin’s shirt too. 

Jaemin doesn’t stop stroking their cocks together, still going as he whispers desperately to Hyuck’s ear, “Just a little bit more, baby, please, please—ahh, please.”

Hyuck squirms, but he tries his best to hold it in, waiting patiently for Jaemin to come, pressing loving kisses to the side of Jaemin’s face. “Come for me, Minnie,” Hyuck urges him. As if on cue, Jaemin comes with a choked cry, moaning through the rest of his orgasm softly, almost as if he’s still trying to be polite. Hyuck finds him absolutely adorable, smiling happily at Jaemin who’s trying to catch his breath. “Good?” Hyuck asks.

Jaemin, whose face is pressed in the crook of Hyuck’s neck, nods. His hair tickles Hyuck’s face, but he simply brushes it away as they lay in silence for a bit. “I should get you a new shirt,” Jaemin mumbles almost inaudibly after seeing the copious (hyperbole) amount of cum on Hyuck’s body and the shirt he’s wearing.

“You should also put the dishes in the sink at least.”

“My God, save me from this tribulation.” 

Hyuck bursts out into giggles, everything somehow feels funnier post nut. “You don’t even have any faith.”

“My faith is you, baby,” Jaemin quips back, extra quick when it comes to being a slimy little thing.

“Alright, my humble subject, get me some tissues and a new shirt, and then put the dishes in the sink.” Hyuck kisses his forehead. “And then we can cuddle.”

“I heard the new trend nowadays is to wake up with dried cum on your body.” Jaemin grins at Hyuck without his eyes smiling as well. 

“Never look at me like that ever again.” Hyuck shudders. “And, please, go quickly!” 

“You’re so annoying,” Jaemin mumbles under his breath as he gets off the bed at the slowest pace possible.

“Quickly, Jaemin!” Hyuck grumbles in exasperation. “I wanna cuddle and go to sleep.”

“Fine, fine,” he says but doesn’t move, standing by the edge of the bed as he stares at Hyuck unspeakingly. “Baby.”

“What?” Hyuck drawls out.

“I like you.” Jaemin swoops down and gives Hyuck’s lips an unexpected chaste kiss. 

“Yeah, me too, I like you too.” Hyuck smiles briefly, then his expression drops. “Now go!”

“Annoying little fucker,” Jaemin grumbles as he leaves the room to get wet tissues.