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"I'm really sorry again, Raph…" Leo's quiet voice reached Raph's ears, who simply shook his head with a smile.
"No sweat, little brother. I knew it was a risk with taking ya to it." The snapping turtle dismissed the apology, shaking his head as the two of them walked down the quiet, dark streets of New York City.
Leo frowned, hugging his arms to his body, "But you love watching those matches."
"Yeah, but I love you more." Raph argued, glancing over at him. "Besides, did you see how those guys were fightin'? I ain't missin' much."
Leo forced himself to chuckle, guilt still wound tightly around his heart like a snake. 'I still wish I wouldn't keep panicking every time there's noise for more than five seconds…'
Leo's family had started doing little…exposure therapy sessions with him based on that fear. Every now and then, when he was feeling up for it, they'd head out into public and just…walk around. Let him experience the sights and sounds of New York City or the Hidden City— for as long as he could handle it.
And now, Leo had just panicked only an hour into the wrestling matches he'd agreed to go to with Raph. One measly little hour before he'd inevitably started hyperventilating and Raph had needed to take him into the back alley so he could calm down.
He hadn't been able to help it— the cheers had sounded too much like screaming; the slams of the wrestlers hitting the ground too much like metal hitting shell.
Walking back to the Lair felt more like coming back from a failed mission than it did from a fun outing with his big brother.
"Hey." Raph's voice cut through again, and Leo hesitantly turned his head to meet Raph's gaze. His older brother frowned at him, "Seriously, Leo. I'm not upset with you. You did a great job tonight. I'm proud of you."
Leo swallowed tightly. That affirmation was something his family kept using on him like a weapon— their pride felt unearned. Not until he did something noteworthy to deserve it.
'That's not true. You've done enough already.' The nagging voice implemented by his brothers— by their insistence that he try to think more positively about himself and his achievements— rose up suddenly.
"Hey, you two!"
Leo stilled as Raph tensed, both of them turning around towards the speaker.
There were about 6 men behind them, looking very hostile. 'Eugh boy….' Couldn't he ever get a break?
"Heeey, what's up?" Leo greeted them in a friendly manner, hoping it would be at least somewhat effective.
The man in front wrinkled his nose in disgust, as if Leo merely speaking set him on edge.
"Leo—" Raph's hand landed on his shoulder as he murmured quietly, "We gotta go."
Leo shrugged his hand off, staring back at the humans, "Do you need something? Cause otherwise, me and my brother here are gonna get out of your hair."
"Brother?" One of the men sniffed, "You call that monster a brother?"
Leo felt a cold anger begin to burn in his gut at that.
"You're both monsters! You're all monsters, the whole lot of you!" Another one roared, a disgusted sneer on his face. "You disgusting creatures have been popping up everywhere! I'm so sick of it! If the government won't do anything about you lot, I guess I'll have to!"
The speaker pulled out a baseball bat from behind his back, swinging it right at Leo's head.
Leo reflexively stepped back, sweeping his arm up to catch it before the man could pull it away.
"Come on, there's no need for all this!" Leo tried placating them again, though it seemed he'd just angered the group even more.
Leo vaguely noticed Raph stepping up to his side out of the corner of his eye. 'Fine, I guess this is gonna be a fight…'
The other men attacked right as that thought ended, lunging forward with bats and golf clubs alike.
'Golf clubs??' Okay if Leo hadn't been judging them before, now he would be.
Leo ducked under one of the golf clubs, grabbing it and yanking it out of the human's hand. He flung it down the alley, listening to it slam against the concrete wall at the end.
The red-eared slider moved through the fight with ease— these humans clearly had no idea what they were doing. They relied far too much on their own physical strength— which, in comparison to mutants, wasn't much. There was no form, no technique in their attacks.
Leo could hear Raph dealing with some of the guys by himself somewhere near him; he wasn't worried. He knew Raph could handle this just as easily as him. If not even easier.
The fight moved by in a blur until the man who'd first tried to attack him was suddenly there, swinging his bat towards Leo's head again.
Leo proceeded to copy the same move he'd used before with a chuckle, "Oh come on, you literally already tried thi—"
Leo's sentence cut off with a sharp inhale as the man's other hand flew forward, plunging a knife deep into Leo's shoulder.
…okay. Maybe he shouldn't have underestimated them so much.
______
Raph hadn't even bothered to pull out his sai when the gang started attacking them; this wasn't his first time dealing with a situation like this. It certainly wouldn't be the last.
Ever since yokai had started coming up into the limelight from the Hidden City, things had been…a little dicey with a certain percentage of humans, to say the least.
Raph uppercut a man trying to whack him over the head with a golf club— 'The handle literally isn't even the width of my finger, what the hell does he think that's gonna do to me' —though he hit with restraint. While these types of people did piss him off, he didn't want to kill anyone.
And then he heard it.
A sound that cut through the rest of the battle's overall atmosphere as if it had been a scream, though all it was was a sharp inhale. So faint, but Raph had jumped as if it were a loud BANG!
Raph had heard that sound enough times by now to know what it meant.
When Leo helped Mikey with making dinner and ended up burning his hand; when during a training session CJ had accidentally whacked him with his hockey stick a little too hard, when they'd gotten back from destroying Krang Prime once and for all and had been treating their injuries and they’d needed to treat a deep cut on Leo’s forearm.
No matter how light or severe an injury was, Leo always reacted that same way. He pretty much never screamed after suffering one; either from a heightened pain tolerance, having trained himself to not ever be too loud, or more than likely both.
With all this background knowledge, Raph felt his heart plummet before he even saw.
The moment he turned, it was as if the entire world slowed to a halt.
One of the men stood in front of Raph's little brother, gripping the handle of something buried in Leo's shoulder. The man ripped it out, blood flying off of the long blade attached.
Leo stumbled back, falling against the wall behind him.
Raph's eyes locked onto the blood pouring from the wound.
"Casey listen to me. When I get to the other side…you close that door."
"Heh. You're one to talk, big bro. Hero moves are totally your style!"
"CASEY, CLOSE THE PORTAL NOW! CASEY! PLEASE!"
"WHERE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE!! IN THE PRISON DIMENSION!!!"
" I will tear your shell open, rip your organs out and watch as you choke to death on your own blood."
The memories of all the things his little brother had said, everything he'd gone through, that last threat from Krang Prime that haunted Raph's every waking moment surged through his mind as one as he looked at his baby brother's crumpled form against the wall.
And Raph. Fucking. Snapped.
As the man who was still holding the knife dripping with his little brother’s blood turned back to Leo, aiming for his throat—
Raph wasted no time.
He was there in an instant, grabbing the man's knife arm forcefully and twisting it to force him to release the knife.
The man cried out as Raph heard a crack! But he didn't care. Not when his baby brother had been injured on his watch again.
He slammed the man's head into the concrete wall across from Leo, not bothering to keep an eye on him as he collapsed to the ground like a discarded toy.
Raph turned back to the rest of the men, a deep snarl reverberating through his throat and off the walls of the alley as he glared at them.
It seemed they finally grew a brain, as they all turned and sprinted away full speed. Raph heard a nearly comical, cartoonish gulp from one man as he dashed forward to grab his unconscious friend, before turning and chasing the others with his metaphorical tail between his legs.
Raph watched them go for a moment, wanting to be sure they were truly gone before he dropped his guard.
The snapping turtle whipped around, heart dropping as he took in the sight of his little brother again. Blood was pouring out of his wound, completely drenching his side— though Leo's hand was over it.
"Oh god— LEO!" Raph's voice rose a few octaves in pure, raw terror as he found himself at his brother's side in an instant. He was already kneeling before he even knew it, moving one hand to press against the wound— and subsequently Leo's hand— in an attempt to staunch the bleeding.
"No, no, no, nonono—" Raph gently reached his hand out to cup Leo's cheek, tilting his baby brother's face to look at him.
"Heyyy hermano." Raph felt a rush of relief as green eyes looked back at him, even if they were a bit cloudy. "Don't panic, alright?"
"Don't— don't panic?!" Raph shook his head violently, carefully curling his arm around Leo's back to pull him towards him, "You got stabbed!"
"Yeah, I know. Wild." Leo shrugged, wincing slightly. "'s not a big deal, big bro. Just…just hand me my med kit, I can fix it."
Raph stared at him as if he'd grown two heads. Leo's eyelids fluttered, and Raph could feel his grip on his wound loosen beneath the snapping turtle's hand.
"Fuck— stay awake. Stay awake, stay with me, okay?" Raph gently lifted the red-eared slider into his arms. He could feel his own heart racing— 'Not again, not again, not again, not ag ain, not again, not again—'
"I'll get you home. Don't worry." Raph promised, quickly sprinting towards where he knew a manhole was.
'I can't lose him again.'
___________
Footsteps pounded down the tunnels leading to the Lair.
Raph decided against the waterfall entrance, due to the fact it would put sewer water on an open wound , terrible idea— not to mention the other one was closer anyway.
Raph burst through the tunnel entrance, gold eye wildly searching for either of his other brothers to help before screaming, "DONNIE!"
The resulting SLAM! And a distant yelp from across the Lair would've been humorous if it weren't for his half-conscious baby brother bleeding to death in his arms.
The softshell came flying around the corner, slamming into the adjacent wall from the momentum. Mikey wasn't far behind, halting just a step behind him as the box turtle froze entirely.
Donnie sucked in a sharp breath before he was at Raph's side faster than he could track with his eye.
Donnie's shaky hands flew up, one touching where Raph was covering the wound, the other grabbing Leo's face. "Nardo?! Leo!"
"Yeah?" Leo glanced over at him, blinking fuzzily.
Donnie's shoulders relaxed slightly as he huffed, "Of course you're completely calm about this."
His eyes snapped up to meet Raph's. "Med Bay, now."
Raph didn't need to be told twice. He ran towards the Med Bay, faintly hearing Donnie and Mikey both following; the former must have snapped from his frozen stupor.
Raph made it through the doorway, quickly setting Leo down on one of the cots. But he stayed, keeping his hand firmly planted against the wound.
Donnie appeared on Leo's other side closest to the wound, quickly bringing up a scanner to look at the injury.
Raph swallowed as Donnie didn't say a word and merely swept away to ruffle through the drawers to get the supplies he needed. Raph could hear shuddering, rapid breathing from somewhere behind him. He knew it was Mikey, understood he must be thinking the exact same thing Raph was.
'Not again.'
Donnie returned, gesturing for Raph to move.
"But if I let go—"
"Move." Donnie didn't seem to be in the mood for talking much, considering the way he practically hissed that word.
'Not again.'
Raph moved his hand away, watching as Donnie worked to save their brother. 'How bad is it? Will he be okay? Or are we going to lose him?'
'Not again.'
Raph felt like time was passing by in a rush— he remained frozen in place, staring down at his brother for so long until finally—
"He'll be okay."
Raph let out a breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding. It must've been awhile, considering the way his lungs screamed for air.
Donnie's voice had been clipped and short, though sprinkled with pure relief.
"He'll need to take it easy on that arm, but it wasn't that serious to begin with." Donnie reported. "Well— it wasn't life-threatening is what I mean."
Raph could barely hear him past the ringing in his ears. 'What if I hadn't stopped it in time? What if that guy had aimed better? What if we lost him again and it was MY fault?'
Raph flinched back, jerking to his feet. He turned and left the room without another word, vaguely hearing Mikey jolt out of his seat to take Raph's place at Leo's side.
Raph couldn't see anything beyond the scene in that alley. The horrifying way Leo had looked like a corpse. The terrifying thought that that was not even close to the first time Leo must have looked like that. Worse, even.
'I almost lost him again.'
__________
Leo rose to consciousness with his eyes still closed, hearing the soft sound of beeping.
He felt a weight on his stomach and glanced down, unsurprised to see Pinky's head resting there as she slept. A fond smile spread across his face.
He felt a gentle weight in his hand, and slowly turned his head to blink at Mikey. His baby brother’s hand was in his uninjured one, head resting on the bed as he slept.
“Oh, good. You’re awake.”
Leo jumped in surprise, glancing over to his other side. Donnie was sitting in a chair next to Pinky, absentmindedly petting her head while he stared at his twin with a mingled look of relief and apprehension.
“Hey, Don.” Leo replied quietly, glancing down at his left arm, where his shoulder was wrapped and arm tied in a sling. “Eugh boi. They got me good?”
“Well thankfully it wasn’t life-threatening, but yes they ‘Got you good.’” Donnie replied in a huff. He looked almost angry.
“Sorry.” Leo mumbled, exhaustion still weighing heavily on him. It was steadily ebbing, but at the moment present.
Donnie’s expression softened slightly, “I’m not— I’m not mad.”
Leo raised a brow.
“At you.” Donnie rolled his eyes, “I’m not mad at you. I just…” The softshell sighed, shoulders hunching as he looked away, before turning back to his twin. “I can’t lose you.”
“I know.”
“I can’t go through that again.”
“I’m sorry.” Leo wasn’t sure what else to say— or what he was really apologizing for. For getting injured? For not seeing that attack coming? Or for sacrificing himself all those years ago?
Donnie shook his head, “Don’t apologize to me.” He sounded even more upset about that, so Leo decided to drop it…for now, at least.
The red-eared slider couldn’t help but notice the presence absent in the room. “Dee? Where’s Raph?” Anxiety rose in his chest. His big brother hadn’t gotten hurt too, right?
Donnie shrugged, “He’s fine. He left once you were in stable condition. I haven’t seen him since.”
Leo frowned, looking down. ‘Is Raph mad? Or…or did I worry him?’ That felt like the more likely option. It was difficult to force himself to think logically like that, his brain screaming that he had angered his brother.
‘He wouldn’t get mad at me over this…right?’
“I should probably go talk to him.” Leo commented lightly, glancing at the way Mikey was still holding onto his good hand, then down at Pinky sleeping on top of him. ‘Once I can get up, that is…’
_____________
Leo hesitated outside the doorway.
He could hear Raph in the dojo, punching the bags inside; he fiddled with his hands, anxiety spiking as each hit landed.
‘It’s just Raph, it’s just Raph, it’s just Raph…’
Leo stepped into the dojo, subconsciously sweeping his gaze across the room to be sure it was safe before heading towards his big brother.
Raph didn’t seem to notice Leo at first; the red-eared slider could see a dark, shadowed look in his brother’s eyes. As if he weren’t really seeing the bag. Every punch sent it flying up into the air, as if it were filled with packing peanuts instead of sand.
“Trying to launch that thing into the ceiling, big guy?” Leo asked, then winced at the way Raph nearly jumped out of his shell.
The snapping turtle whipped around, eye widening slightly at the sight of Leo’s arm in a sling. “Shouldn’t you be resting in the Med Bay?!”
Leo shrugged, “Nah. It's not a big deal Raph, just a tiny stab.”
When they were still kids, Raph might’ve reacted to this with horror and an incredulous look. He would’ve questioned Leo’s definition of a ‘big deal’ and would’ve been exasperated at the ensuing jokes from his little brother.
Instead Raph just looked away with a disgusted, guilt-ridden look on his face. And Leo making jokes was a rare occasion nowadays.
“I’m fine, Raph-a-la.” Leo walked towards him, resting his good hand on his shoulder. “I’m more worried about you right now.”
Ah. There was the incredulous look. “More worried about me?” Raph shot him an aggravated look. “Why?! You got stabbed! I wasn’t hurt at all!”
“Why do you say that last sentence like it's a bad thing?” Leo challenged him, attempting to cross his arms…then just sort of awkwardly crossed his good arm over the sling.
“Because it IS!” Raph snapped, whipping around to fully face Leo again.
“Why are you mad at me for this?” Leo took a step back, unable to fully fight his rising panic. Unable to stop the flashing imagery of someone else standing there in his big brother’s place. ‘Run, run, run, run, run— it’s just Raph. Calm down, it’s just Raph.’
“Mad at—?” Raph cut himself off, blinking in confusion. His shoulders deflated as he took a step towards the red-eared slider, “Leo I—I’m not mad at you.”
Leo couldn’t stop himself from flinching back at the arm reaching for him, and Raph immediately recoiled. His expression twisted in guilt, and he lowered his head as he squeezed his eye shut, “I’ve been messing up a lot today, haven’t I?” He muttered.
Leo frowned, a surge of guilt rising in his chest. ‘I need to calm down. It’s literally just Raph, there’s nothing to be afraid of with him here.’
And with that thought, it was as if his fears melted away. As did the lingering, looming image of Krang Prime.
Leo walked forward, grabbed Raph’s arm and led him towards the steps near the edge of the dojo’s ring. Raph let him, expression downcast.
Leo pulled Raph down to sit beside him. As they both settled, not a single word was said. Leo wasn’t sure how to begin; he wasn’t even sure what was wrong.
And then he felt it. The silent request, the ripple of a presence beyond his own. Leo let him in, tapping his feet on the floor quietly.
‘I’m sorry.’ was the first thing he heard from Raph through the mind-meld. Raph’s inner voice was subdued; Leo was almost confused by that until he felt the meaning behind it. Until he felt that treacherous tornado of worries ultimately translating to ‘I can’t scare him here, too.’
‘It’s okay, Raph. This isn’t the first time this has happened, y’know.’
‘Raph knows. I just…’ The snapping turtle hesitated for a moment. ‘...This is the first time that it was cause I yelled at you though.’
‘True.’ Leo chimed. He wasn’t really bothered by it; he was used to this by now. Getting accidentally startled into panic attacks and sometimes hallucinations was normal…for him, at least.
‘Hallucinations??’
Ah shit. Raph heard that.
‘Yes I fucking heard that, what do you MEAN hallucinations??’
‘It’s just a trauma thing, bro. Nothing you gotta worry about, okay? I’m working through it.’ Leo replied reassuringly.
There was silence again for a moment as Raph reined in his concern over that. Beneath it, Leo could feel…
‘Raph…it’s not your fault.’
‘Yes it is.’ Raph replied almost instantly. ‘I shoulda kept an eye on you. Made sure you didn’t get hurt.’
‘It wasn’t your fault.’ Leo repeated.
He felt a flicker of frustration from Raph, ‘If I hadn’t underestimated those guys, then you wouldn’t have gotten stabbed.’
Leo blinked. ‘...Raph. I instigated the fight.’
‘And?’
‘Raph, buddy, I literally started it. You told me to run, you said, and I quote, ‘we gotta go’, and yet I ignored you. I stayed, I made the situation worse. If I had listened to you, then I wouldn’t have gotten hurt.’ Leo started rhythmically tapping the palm of his hand with his fingers as he spoke…or, well, thought. ‘This?’ He gestured at his arm, ‘Was all on me, Raph. Please don’t feel guilty over it.’
‘You looked dead.’ Raph’s response was blunt. Pained. The image flashed in his mind, and therefore Leo’s. And, well…he couldn’t help but agree with a wince.
‘You looked dead. I thought…I thought we lost you. Again. Because I wanted to hang out with you.’
‘You wanting to spend time with me did NOT cause that Raph.’ Leo defended him, ‘I aggravated those guys.’
‘I know.’
Leo faltered at the sincerity.
‘I know. But…’
Raph spoke outwardly this time. "When you got back, I promised myself I'd never let anything bad happen to you again…" he squeezed his eyes shut, head hanging as he sighed, "And I failed. Again."
Leo paused, frowning at his older brother, "Raph…we talked about this. What happened to me during the Invasion wasn't your fault." He put his good arm around Raph's shoulders, “Remember? It was on the Krang. It was them. We were stuck, Raph. There was only one way outta that situation.”
Raph nodded quietly. He didn’t reply for a long moment.
During this time, Leo tentatively looked towards Raph’s mind again. And felt like a fish out of water at what he saw, and what he felt.
Grief. Unending, tormenting, excruciating grief. The agony ripped through his entire being, stabbing into his heart like thousands of knives that proceeded to rip it to shreds. The sharp loss of a presence he had always known, that had always been beside him. And now, suddenly, was not. And he had to live with that. Live with the absence of that unending, unyielding, constant presence, and forever bereave…
…Himself.
He felt his big brother’s grief for him during those eight years as if it were his own. And he understood.
If it had been one of his brothers, if he had been the one to feel this…he would feel exactly the way Raph does about him getting hurt.
Leo didn’t offer an apology. He’d been right, after all. It wasn’t right for Raph to blame himself for something that wasn’t his fault. But he understood why Raph felt like it was.
So Leo leaned against Raph’s shoulder, letting that understanding wash into Raph’s mind. He heard Raph sniffle in response, and then felt his arms wrap around him in a tight, protective hug.
“I know.” Raph began hoarsely, “I know it wasn’t my fault. Both times. But…I can’t help it, y’know?”
“I know.” Leo’s voice was just as hoarse and cracked as his big brother’s was. “I’m…I’m really sorry. I never meant to do that to you.”
Raph shook his head, tightening the hug. “It wasn’t your fault, either.”
It was so strange to acknowledge that, and to understand that. Leo felt the flicker of pride from Raph in response as the snapping turtle let out a wet chuckle, letting go of Leo as he spoke, “You’ve made a lot of progress, little brother.”
Leo rolled his eyes, “I should fucking hope so. It's been over a year now.”
Over a year. It was still such a strange thought.
Over a year since he got out. Since he escaped. Not even a fraction of the time he’d spent in agony, and yet he’d overcome it so much.
He wondered how much more he would grow. How much further he would recover.
He was glad he knew his brothers would stay with him throughout that journey.
Relieved to know that he would never be alone again.
Anata wa hitori ja nai.