Chapter Text
Sirius wakes up to Regulus elbowing him in the face.
It’s sudden, ripping him from a deep slumber, just narrowly missing his eye. Sirius swears under his breath as he wakes up, pressing his fingertips to his face to soothe the throbbing pain.
“What the fuck, Regulus!” Sirius groans, rolling onto his back and away from his sleeping brother.
He scowls, turning to look at Regulus who’s dead to the world. He pushes his younger brother off him and turns around to check the time. Regulus tends to latch onto Sirius when they sleep in the same bed, similar to a koala, so Sirius spends most of those mornings literally peeling him off his own body and shoving him back to his own side of the bed. The idiot’s a deep sleeper too.
It's just gone 10:30am on a Sunday morning, but Sirius can already smell the various aromas of breakfast floating up from the kitchen, so he decides it’s a good a time as any to get up.
(He also needs to check if his brother has given him a black eye, and if so, graciously return the favour.)
Once he steps into the bathroom he claimed years ago, he flicks open the bathroom cabinet to reveal the small selection of skincare products he keeps for emergencies. He stays over so often that Effie went out and brought his favourite products so he wouldn’t have to rush home after staying the night.
He goes through the motions, brushing his teeth and double cleansing, especially since he slept in the cheap face paint. He checks for any bruises and luckily for Regulus, his skin looks intact. He takes his time, massaging moisturiser into his face whilst thinking back to yesterday.
And he can’t stop himself from smiling. Couldn’t even if he wanted to. He even tries, pinching his cheeks in the hopes of stopping his lips from stretching, but no luck. Sirius is all smiles today and that is definitely the fault of one Remus Lupin.
Lovely and tall and broad and chiselled and sweet and caring and funny, seriously funny, and charming and wonderful and kind and hot Remus Lupin who does terribly nice things for people who don’t always know they need it but deserve it. That’s Remus; pulling the best out of a person so it sits on the surface forever. And Sirius likes the idea of a forever with Remus Lupin.
The crush on him wasn’t exactly a surprise to a young Sirius Black. He knew he was gay from a young age but never really had the compulsion to act on it - slim pickings and all. And then Remus Lupin turns up in September of their year 11 like puberty had taken a paintbrush and crafted a masterpiece out of his best friend.
And there’s a natural progression to things like that. He loved Remus because they were best friends, throw in an extra 4 inches to his height and his sun-kissed skin from his holiday in Greece and you get one Sirius Black pulling a pillow into his lap every time Remus exited the bathroom after a shower.
Sirius tried it on with Remus once. It was more of a self-preservation tactic than an actual request to go out with him, which now that he thinks about it, was a really stupid way to ask Remus. See, Sirius did ask him when they were both 17, "Hey Moony, we both like boys – why don’t we help each other out so we get some experience, huh?"
The answer was a firm no.
Sirius was more offended than he was heartbroken. He wasn’t in love with Remus back then, no, he was just infatuated with him at a level he himself couldn’t really comprehend. The falling-in-love bit came later when they were older and at a time when Sirius realised, he fucked it for himself back in school.
But he is still hopeful. He’s really just waiting for a situation where he can swoop in, knight-in-shining-armour style, and sweep Remus off his feet. Until then, he’ll secretly pine and take up as much of Remus’ time as he can – it’s his favourite hobby. And besides, Remus threw him an entire birthday party and it’s not like it’s going to kill Sirius to stay in that delusion for a little longer, is it?
He walks back into the room, sending a conscious Regulus a nasty glare whilst he looks for the clothes he was wearing yesterday morning. “You fucking elbowed me in my eye, dickhead.” Sirius grunts.
“Sorry,” Regulus replies and Sirius’ ears perk up in a bad way. He never apologises which is why sirens start to go off in his head. Sirius turns back around slowly, trying to make out the look on his brother’s face. It’s not a scowl, it’s more of an expression of discomfort.
“What’s wrong?” Sirius asks gently.
“I’m trying to figure out if yesterday was a dream or not.” He rasps, rubbing some sleep out of his eye as he turns around on the bed to let Sirius change.
“It was real,” Sirius says carefully, quickly changing out of his onesie and leaving it on the back of the armchair in the corner of the room.
“I feel weird about it.” Regulus comments, turning back around to face Sirius. There’s a hesitation in his voice, one that makes him sound much younger than he is.
“How so?”
“It’s like…I feel really happy, but I also feel overwhelmed and want to run from it. The happiness, I mean.” Regulus explains, a crinkle forming between his eyebrows as he stares past Sirius.
“Well, we were never used to it lasting long when we were younger, so I think as a method of self-preservation; we never held onto any happy feelings otherwise it would end up being thrown back in our faces,” Sirius says, sitting back on the bed with his legs crossed under him. Regulus looks up at him with a childlike sentiment.
“Yeah. And I guess having the party was really nice, but it just made me think about our lives in that house and how even years later, we’re still haunted by it. I can’t be happy without thinking about how sad we were back then.” Regulus sits up against the headboard, looking down whilst he picks the skin around his thumb nervously.
He speaks quietly and Sirius tries to not show how the confession is picking away at him. It’s not the first time they’ve spoken about it and it won't be their last so Sirius normally knows what to say in this situation. But it doesn’t make any of it better. It won't erase years of trauma.
“They work in tandem; I think. And then what happens with us is that both the happiness and sadness pull us side to side until we fall into the centre of what can only be described as ambivalence.” Sirius explains hesitantly, gesturing whilst he speaks. His younger brother stares back at him and there’s a sense of understanding between the two – he gets it, he’s really the only person that will ever get it.
“But you know, we are allowed to be selfish,” Sirius continues, dropping his hands and catching Regulus’ gaze, “We are allowed to exist in a state of happiness and not feel as if there's a catch because there isn’t with these people that love us. It’s self-sabotage when we try and outrun it, so just let yourself sink. It’s okay.” Sirius imparts, holding onto the very intense and sometimes unfamiliar feeling.
“Sinking feels a lot like drowning,” Regulus says quietly, looking down and avoiding Sirius’ eye contact.
“Not when it’s love, I don’t think.”
Regulus doesn’t say anything for a moment, but Sirius can tell he’s gotten through to him. He always does. And the thing is, Regulus knows all of this, he knows he’s loved and protected and safe, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t need to be reminded every now and then, and Sirius is always happy to be the one that jogs his memory.
“I really thought we would’ve outgrown the fear by now.”
“I thought we were going to be stuck there forever, so I guess things change. And that fear, it’s just something that’s going to stay with us, but we don’t have to let it overrule us. We just acknowledge it and unlearn what we can. Like right now, we can learn that there are people out there who love us for free. No conditions.”
“Yeah, you’re right.”
“Of course I’m right. Are you okay?” Sirius asks attentively.
Regulus finally looks up with a look of mutual understanding. He nods, a hint of a smile creeping up on his face that Sirius pockets. “Yeah, I’m okay. Just stuck in my head sometimes. I’m going to go find Pandora and let her hug me.”
Sirius stifles a laugh. “I know for a fact that Effie is making breakfast so don’t be too long.” He pushes off the bed and checks his hair in the mirror, scrunching it to give it some life. “I know James has a seat saved just for you.” Sirius teases quietly and ducks as he anticipates the pillow being thrown his way.
He cackles and runs out of the room before Regulus can do any permanent damage to him. Down the stairs and he finds himself in the kitchen, leaving a kiss on Effie’s cheek whilst she fiddles with 3 different saucepans at once. “Hi Mama,” He says, moving past her and towards the coffee pot.
“Morning, my Jaan. Sleep well?” She asks, moving her attention to the mushrooms on the chopping board.
“Yeah, until Regulus took it upon himself to wake me up by elbowing me in the eye!” He repeats, pulling the skin around his eye for Effie to check. She coos, grabbing his face to give him a once over and then squeezes his cheeks after she determines no permanent damage. Sirius rolls his eyes and takes his mug out to the dining table where Monty is setting their table for breakfast. “Morning, Baba.” He says.
Monty makes the mistake of asking him the same question his wife did a minute prior, which then leads Sirius into a whole 10-minute rant about how Regulus should be put in a straitjacket when he sleeps and how he’s a genuine safety issue for Sirius. Monty entertains the idea for Sirius’ sake, but he’s always had a soft spot for the younger boy so Sirius knows it’s frivolous.
He checks the living room where he finds Barty and Evan sprawled over both sofas, faces pressed into pillows and blankets gently placed back on their bodies as if Effie fixed them when she came down in the morning – Sirius knows the tell-tale signs.
It’s still relatively early for a Sunday morning so he’s not expecting that many people to be up, that is until James comes running into the house from the front door. “Slow morning, only got 3 miles in.” He exhales deeply, throwing a sweaty arm around Sirius as they both walk back into the kitchen. Normally Sirius would mind the overload of sweat but he’s in a good mood this morning and he hasn’t showered himself, he’ll wait until he’s home to do that.
“Lacking a bit, aren’t we Potter?” Sirius teases, grabbing a seat by the breakfast bar whilst James nicks a few of the cherry tomatoes Effie was slicing and pops them into his mouth.
“And when was the last time you ran?” James interrogates.
“Back in year 11 when Mr Dooley made me do the 1500 metre race. You know he had it out for me.” Sirius remembers, taking a sip as Peter strolls in, rubbing his face as he yawns.
“Who had it out for you?” He asks, stealing Sirius’ mug and taking a large sip.
“Mr Dooley.”
“Oh, he was a right rat bastard,” Peter says, clicking his teeth as Effie reveals herself from behind the fridge. “Oops! Sorry Effie, didn’t see you there.” He apologises with a flushed face.
“No, don’t apologise. He absolutely was! I remember going to James’ parents' evening and he complained that he took too long in the shower. I wasn’t about to apologise for my son having good hygiene. No one can actually shower in 60 seconds.” She goes off, shuffling a pan here and stirring some beans there.
“Right?! I swear he used to turn the hot water off when it was our lesson with him!” Peter agrees, nodding his head.
“Is everyone awake, then? Should we plate up?” Monty asks, walking into the kitchen.
“Remus is awake, he’s coming down. I just woke up the sleeping beauties in the living room, so they’ll be in soon, and all the girls are still downstairs in bed. I think I saw Regulus in there too.” Peter says, taking Sirius’ seat as he gets up.
“I’ll grab the girls.” He says and makes his way to the guest bedroom on the ground floor. It was converted from one of the Potter’s garages and inside sits a queen size bed. Marlene, Dorcas, Mary, and Pandora normally take it when they stay over, and that’s where he finds them all, with the addition of Lily laying on top of Dorcas and Regulus laying across their legs with his head in Pandora’s lap.
“You lot hungry?” Sirius says, leaning against the door.
“Ah, starving!” Marlene says and pulls herself out of bed, grabbing Dorcas’s hand which pulls her and Lily both up. He gives way to the girls coming through and then walks in to slowly pry Mary out of bed, alongside Pandora and Regulus.
He drops Mary at the dining table, where she leans herself against Marlene who is already tucking in, alongside Barty and a half-asleep Evan. Everyone becomes busy, trying to find a seat around the dinner table and updating Effie and Monty on what they missed when they went up to bed last night.
Sirius finds himself wandering back into the kitchen for no specific reason until he sees Remus filling up a cup of coffee. Well, he's found his reason. He turns around as Sirius steps in and smiles at him, lifting the cup to take a sip.
“Morning Moony,” Sirius says, a wide smile overtaking his face.
“Morning. Have a good night?” He asks and Sirius doesn’t have the heart to ruin this part of his morning so he just nods, walking up to the other side of the island, reaching for the cup Peter emptied.
“What about you?” Sirius asks, tracing the rim of the cup.
“Ah, you know Peter snores.” He shrugs.
“We should put Peter and Reg together. They’re both dead to the world when they sleep.”
“And where would that leave us?” Remus asks, his voice low and sultry. Sirius looks up suddenly, mildly confused by his tone but lets out a soft laugh.
“Hey, I don’t move as much as I used to!” He says defensively. “I’m actually really easy to sleep with now.”
“Is that so?” Remus raises an eyebrow knowingly before he takes a sip of his coffee.
There’s nothing but sweet looks exchanged between the two as they fall into silence. Sirius maps out Remus’ face now that he no longer has the spiderman mask face-painted on him. He definitely misses it, but Remus’ face is too beautiful to be covered. He missed his freckles, and the little scar on his nose from when he fell off his bike at 7 years old. But he missed Remus' dimple the most. The little divot in his left cheek that would only pop out when he was really and truly happy. Like he is right now.
“Boys, come and eat. The food will get cold.” Monty says, walking in from behind Sirius and grabbing an extra 2 glasses.
“We’ll be right there,” Remus answers for them and Sirius smiles at Monty as he leaves the kitchen.
Sirius turns back around to look at Remus, who has now moved around the kitchen island to stand directly next to him. He looks at Sirius as if he wants to say something, even opens his mouth but then decides against it. He then exhales.
“Can you come with me into the garage for a sec?” He asks, gently tugging at the end of Sirius’ hoodie. Sirius looks down with wide eyes as he lets himself be pulled away. He goes willingly and finds himself pressed against the wall inside the garage. Remus stands in front of him blocking all view of anything around him.
“What’s up?” Sirius whispers, looking up at Remus curiously.
Remus’ tongue pokes into the inside of his cheek as he moves an inch closer. “Um…,” He swallows, “I wanted to ask you something.”
“What is it?” He smiles gently because he can tell Remus is nervous about something.
Remus doesn’t reply. He just starts moving closer, closer until Sirius can feel the warmth of his body radiating onto his own. Sirius’ smile slowly falls from his own face as Remus glances down at his lips and before Sirius can even register what is going on, Remus' lips are on his.
It takes Sirius by surprise, but not so much that he doesn’t fall into it. He’s only ever kissed Remus once – yesterday, but it’s already his favourite thing to do. Despite the one yesterday being in front of all their friends, it was still the best kiss he’s ever had. And this one is only better.
Remus pushes him against the wall, cupping his jaw as his fingertips press into the nape of his neck. He licks into Sirius’ mouth with finesse and Sirius can’t help but moan against his lips. He’s taken aback, fully sinking into it. How could he not? Remus is kissing him like it’s one of the purest forms of art.
And then Remus pulls away. Not without a small whine leaving Sirius’ lips as he does so, but he moves back, breathing heavily. Sirius’ eyes flutter open, and it takes everything in him not to simply whimper at the sight of Remus Lupin. His pink lips, gently parted as he stares back at Sirius like he’s waiting for him to react.
“You just kissed me.” Sirius chokes out, blinking quickly. He knows he’s blushing, but he genuinely could not give one shit about it. Remus just kissed him. Moony just kissed him. Remus Lupin, who he’s known for many, many years, has just kissed him out of the blue and he’s standing there with a smile that is threatening to turn into a smirk because Sirius knows what he looks like when he’s being cheeky.
“I know, I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself.” He says quietly, removing his hands from Sirius’ face. And then that smile turns into that smirk. Bastard.
There’s a moment of silence between the two and Sirius wishes he spent it doing some more introspective thinking. Instead, all that happens is the same sentence just repeats in his head, over and over again.
Remus just kissed me. Unprompted. He just leant in. And kissed me. I didn’t even beg like yesterday! He just kissed me. In the Potter’s garage. He just kissed me in the Potter’s garage.
“You just kissed me in the Potter’s garage,” Sirius echoes out loud. He knows there’s a dense look on his face, but he can’t think about anything else. Remus has rendered him incoherent.
“Is that a Lana Del Rey song?” He teases, biting his lip.
Sirius exhales half distressed and half overwhelmed. “Moony!” He lightly slaps the side of his arm.
“What?” He laughs, shrugging his shoulders like they didn’t just share the best kiss of Sirius’ life. As if the person he’s been in love with for years didn’t just plant a fat one on him.
“Why did you kiss me?” Sirius asks, feeling incredibly too shy for his own liking. He’s not freaking out yet, but it doesn’t make sense to him. None of this makes sense.
“Isn’t it obvious?” He asks and waits for Sirius to comment, but Sirius is still feeling dazed and confused from the kiss, so he just sheepishly shakes his head.
“Well, for starters, you practically begged me to kiss you last night, which is an image I have been replaying in my head over and over again. It’s becoming unhealthy.” He starts and if Sirius’ face wasn’t red before, it’s practically crimson now. “And then what you said last night, about me…I couldn’t sleep. I had to physically stop myself from breaking down your door. And you asked me why I kissed you?”
Sirius’ throat becomes unbearably dry as he glances up at Remus through his lashes, trying to rationalise everything that he just said. He’s completely speechless. This isn't even in the realm of things he could've ever imagined. Not even in his wildest dreams. Yes, he flirts with Remus constantly, but he’s never really responded to any of it. And what he said last night, whilst it was true, was both in a romantic and platonic sense. Even if Sirius could never have Remus fully, he’d always be fine with how much he has anyway. Remus has always been enough.
And then he actually realises what Remus is saying. He thought about the kiss as much as Sirius did. He couldn’t sleep thinking about him. He had to stop himself from coming to Sirius in the night.
“You wouldn’t have had to break the door down. I would’ve opened it if you knocked.” Sirius murmurs, knocking his head back against the wall as he tries to regulate his heartbeat.
“I doubt Regulus would’ve appreciated the show.” He replies, resting his hand next to Sirius’ head as he ducks down.
“He’s a deep sleeper,” Sirius whispers, giving him a heavy-lidded look.
“I doubt he would’ve slept through what I had planned.” Remus leans down, tilting his head closer to Sirius’ lips. He stops about a centimetre away and Sirius has to physically restrain himself like he never has before. A cold flush washes over his entire body whilst his face burns and he’s positive, he’s never felt like this before. How is Remus, best friend of nearly 9 years, making him feel like a blushing virgin?
“Oh, confident, are we?” Sirius chokes out, with some conviction.
“Shut up.” Remus grabs onto his face again and closes the gap again. This time, since Sirius is slightly more prepared, neither of them holds back. It’s a tug – a push and a pull between the two. Remus pressing Sirius into the wall until his shoulder blades start to ache and Sirius running his hands up and down Remus’ taut body. Remus doing absolutely filthy things with his tongue that Sirius has never experienced before which causes him to elicit practically obscene noises that Remus feeds off of.
He's trying to kill Sirius. It’s alright though, death by a kiss is a much more romantic way to go out than he expected. Oh, he’s never going to survive this. He doesn’t even want to anymore. If survival is living without Remus Lupin’s kiss then he doesn’t want to live. This is heaven, a paradise between two soft lips. It’s Remus Lupin and his mouth and his hands and him completely absorbing whatever is left of Sirius.
It's only when Sirius presses back into Remus’ body and it becomes very clear that this moment is getting away from them, that Remus pulls away suddenly, shaking his head as he tries to calm himself down. Sirius’ chest heaves up and down whilst he tries to bring himself back to earth, all whilst Remus starts shaking his head.
“You…we need to stop. I-I had a question I wanted to ask and- stop looking at me like that!” He exclaims hysterically.
“Like what?” Sirius feigns innocence.
“You look sinful,” Remus says as if he's completely entranced. He stares at him for a moment and then immediately knocks himself out of it, pulling himself back like he has to physically stop himself. Sirius doesn’t really understand what’s going on. All he knows is that his body is practically screaming for Remus to come back to where he was a few seconds ago.
“I was going to ask you if you wanted to get dinner. Tonight.” Remus sighs loudly, brushing a hand through his hair as he swallows hard.
They’re both a complete mess and Sirius even more so because he did not expect the invite. Truth be told, he hasn’t really had a grip on reality for the last 10 minutes or so, but this was still a surprise.
“Like a date?” He asks and Remus looks at him so sweetly, it makes him want to melt.
“Yes, a date. I wasn’t even supposed to kiss you; I wanted to be a gentleman and all, but you…well, you look like you, so the odds weren’t exactly in my favour, were they?”
Sirius rolls his lips inside his mouth to stop himself from doing something stupid like squealing. “Okay, yeah. I’d like that.”
Remus purses his lips as if he’s trying to stop himself from doing the same and it’s all too much, so Sirius looks down, letting himself grin to relieve some tension from his cheeks.
“Great! I’ll pick you up…from your room at 7.” Remus says, laughing at himself once he realises that they’re flatmates.
“Okay. Can’t wait.” Sirius straightens up and nods, pulling on a mask of maturity over his face. It’s just a date. With Remus. His best friend. A date with Moony. Oh fuck, he’s got a date with Remus.
“We should probably go back inside,” Remus says, eyes flitting between Sirius’ eyes and lips.
“Yeah, they’re probably wondering where we are.” Sirius nods, feeling his breath hitch every time Remus’ gaze travels over his body. It’s wildly exposing and vulnerable and intimidating but he never wants him to stop.
“Okay.” Remus finally gives in, dropping his chin to his chest defeatedly.
“Okay.” Sirius nods and reluctantly pulls away from the wall and pushes the garage door open. He slips out first, only because Remus looks like he needs a minute. Don’t they both?
He places a hand on his chest, doing his best to slow his heart rate down and then fixes the expression on his face before walking into the dining room.
Luckily, everyone’s busy in their own conversations so he can slip in easily. He takes a seat next to Dorcas, and Remus takes the one opposite, next to Pandora. He doesn’t look at Remus, but he can feel the heat of his gaze on him.
-
Sirius manages to get through breakfast unscathed and it’s only when everyone starts to make a move that he realises what he’s signed up for. He isn’t even sure he wants to tell anyone yet just in case it’s a dream. But that kiss. He felt that kiss in the depths of his body, in every crevice, in every heartbeat, he can still feel it. It was real. Remus kissed him.
Remus is speaking to Marlene as he slides his coat on in the opening of the front door. Sirius is hiding in the doorway of the girls’ room, trying to watch Remus’ every move. He’s doing a poor job of it because Remus makes sure to glance over every few seconds, just so Sirius knows he’s aware of him.
He finally zips up his jacket and turns to address Sirius properly. “I have to head out. Juno’s train is coming into London and I’m meeting her for lunch.” He says with a soft smile. Sirius can tell he’s holding himself back because Marlene is standing there. Well, he's a better man than Sirius who takes the moment to fantasize about climbing him in this very corridor.
“Give her my love. You know she’s my favourite Lupin.” He replies, walking closer until he’s stood in front of him, still keeping a respectable distance.
“What about my poor mother?”
“I think she’d agree with me. Your sister is way cooler than you.”
“I’m not telling her you said that. She’ll get a massive head.”
“I’ll make sure to text her in a few hours, right when you’re in the middle of lunch.” Sirius smirks. He hopes Marlene can’t tell he’s blushing. He’s only making conversation with his best friend – there’s genuinely no reason to blush but it seems as if every time Sirius meets Remus' gaze, he’s reminded of that kiss, the way he spoke to him and the things he said. He looks over at Marlene and quickly swipes the smile off his face, on the off chance he’s being too obvious.
“Uh…I’ll see you later, then? Back at the flat?” Remus asks and there’s a hopeful tone to his voice as if he’s making sure they’re still on for their date. He looks nervous and Sirius has half a mind to laugh in his face because there is genuinely no reason for Remus to be nervous. Sirius, on the other hand, has every right to be going out of his damn mind, but of course, the date is still on. He’s never been more excited for literally anything in his entire life.
“Yeah, I’ll see you later, absolutely.” He nods and Remus returns it as if they’ve confirmed the unspoken conversation they’ve been having all along.
“Okay, I should go, I’m getting late,” Remus says and makes no effort to leave.
“Yeah, you don’t want to hit traffic.”
“That would be really annoying. I’m going to go.” Remus replies and again makes no effort to move. Sirius is hoping he's doing everything in his power to make him stay, even if he has to stand in the freezing cold, he doesn’t care. Anything to just stare at Remus.
“Remus, what are you doing? Just leave.” Marlene cuts in, gently nudging his arm so he crosses the threshold into the driveway. She scowls and looks between them, but Sirius barely notices her. He watches Remus settle into his car and fumble with the seatbelt, all whilst mirroring the grin that’s on Sirius’ face. He barely makes it out the driveway without knocking a plant pot over but then he’s gone and Sirius sighs softly, biting his lip.
“What the hell was that?” She asks, effectively snapping Sirius out of his dreamy thoughts.
“What? Nothing! I was saying bye! You’re the one being weird.” He argues, turning around to march back inside. He moves quickly enough so that he isn't interrogated by Marlene, who will eventually break him and then spread it to the rest of his friends. Sirius decides to leave earlier than he planned, only to keep his sanity intact.